This kills me.
"Sasquatch stole my phone"?
What's Bigfoot going to do with a phone?
Go on Tinder?
He can't go on Tinder.
His profile picture would be too blurry.
How can anyone be stupid enough
to believe in Sasquatch?
I mean, what kind of bonehead would--
Oh yeah, right, I forgot. You believe.
Well, I wouldn't say I "believe" believe.
I'm just open-minded
to the possibility
of a huge, hairy, primordial primate
strolling through the countryside
undetected.
I'm sorry,
but I won't be getting on board until there's some proof.
Oh, sure, but you believe in gravity.
Pardon?
Gravity.
You've never seen it.
You can't hear it, you can't feel it.
If I pushed you off a roof,
you'd feel it.
You can't smell it.
At least you can smell a Sasquatch.
It's like a diarrhetic skunk, according to eyewitnesses.
And nose-witnesses.
How about unicorns?
I hear they smell like lavender and fresh muffins.
You believe in them too?
You're thinking
about which one would win in a fight, aren't you?
It's too close to call.
♪ You'd think there's not a lot going on ♪
♪ Look closer
♪ Baby, you're so wrong ♪
...and then,
just when you think Prince Hadduron
is going to sign the declaration of peace,
he spins around and... sklop! chops off Lord Farnax's head.
Can you believe it?
I can't even understand it.
I know!
What's his motivation?
No, I don't understand the words you're saying.
I don't watch your stupid War Monarch show.
It's not War Monarch.
It's Throne Strife,
and I can't believe you're not into it!
You're such an Elflock.
Yeah, that's me in a nutshell.
Hey, Hank.
I was hoping you'd come in today.
Really?
I know. Sounded weird to me too.
What's up?
Oh, can't reach the top shelf?
No. Jerk.
Do you have a jigsaw?
How's a puzzle gonna help you put milk away?
How about you just shut your question hole
and listen?
I'm planning a little something to trick Brent,
and I could use your help.
Oh, I don't know.
Tricking?
That's a slippery slope.
Not tricking, exactly.
More of a hoax.
Hoax?
That's a rich man's lie.
No, it's not lying.
It's just... It's like play-acting.
For entertainment purposes.
Well, I did do a little acting
in high school.
I was in an all-male production
of Reservoir Dogs.
I remember.
You were the waitress.
Hey, why are you guys named after colours?
Mr. Pink, Mr. Blue... more like "Rainbow" Dogs.
I didn't have any lines, but I improv'd some stuff.
They were wrong to cut you.
If you start now,
you could catch up on all the episodes
in about a month.
It would mean watching 12 hours a day,
but doable.
Because this conversation
isn't wasting enough of my life?
Are you guys talking about Throne Strife?
He's talking. I'm glazing.
I love Throne Strife!
Did you see the last episode,
when Prince Hadduron spun around and...
...chopped Farnax's head off!
Ugh.
Yeah! It looked just like that.
Hi, Brent.
Hey, do you believe in gravity?
Well, it's helpful
when it comes to pouring things,
so I suppose I do.
Sasquatches?
Did I black out
and miss a chunk of this conversation?
I knew it!
You don't believe in Sasquatch either.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down and start over.
You know what it is?
Still no.
You're from the big city,
and when you grow up in the big city,
it closes you off from anything that isn't completely concrete.
You have a concrete mind.
And now you're insulting me for no reason?
You're a product of your environment.
I forgive you.
Well, bless you, Father.
Now, could I grab a coffee to go?
I've got to get back to the station,
because Wanda isn't around for some reason.
Maybe she got kidnapped by a Sasquatch.
Serve her right.
You know, I don't find that very funny at all!
Okay...
Not my best joke, but sheesh, lighten up.
And there's the other one.
Hey, these look pretty good.
Huh? Uh-oh.
I made two left feet.
Just flip one over.
Then you'll be walking in circles.
I'll take over from here.
You go rest your brain.
...but if Lord Zolwort marries the Dark Duchess,
there will have to be a treaty.
Ooh.
I'm so glad
to have someone to talk to about this stuff.
You know, this may be a little awkward, but...
There's a Throne Strife cosplay convention in the city,
and you want me to go with you,
and I'd love to!
That was the opposite of awkward.
Hey, Oscar.
Hey yourself.
I guess with Emma hanging out with Davis
and Davis hanging out with Emma,
you and I have to hang out.
No, we don't.
Well, it beats talking about goblins and muppets!
So... if we're going to be hanging out...
We're not.
What kind of stuff are you into?
Sports? Huh?
What's your favourite team?
The Boston Bruins?
The Winnipeg Jets?
The Zipyer Lips.
This is going to be great!
Shh! Quit giggling.
You're going to wake Brent up.
Oh, you scared, Hank?
Scared of the 'Squatch?
Rrrrgghrrrh!
Quit freaking me out!
Ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ughhh!
I could have got a jigsaw
from anyone.
Drop me off at Oscar and Emma's,
then pick me up in a couple hours.
What? Why?
Emma's going to help me with my cosplay outfit
for the Throne Strife convention.
You know we're not like volunteer firemen.
This is a real job.
Emma! I'm going out.
Hi, Oscar. Emma home?
How should I know?
Hey, Oscar. Where you headed?
I'm going down to the corner of Shut-Up
and Mind-Your-Own-Business.
I'll give you a lift.
Hey, Hank.
Uh... Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, hey, Brent.
You okay?
You look like you maybe killed a guy
and hid his body and then forgot where.
I wish that's all it was.
If something's bothering you, best to get it off your chest.
Uh, well, it's just...
Hi, Hank. Whatcha doin'?
Nothing.
I didn't say something.
Or anything like that.
Oh, Wanda,
I'm glad you're here.
I'm dying to tell you
about the tracks I found around my house.
What manner of tracks?
Well, don't laugh,
but they look like Sasquatch tracks.
No!
I know!
But I can't be a hundred percent certain.
That's because they're--
Let him finish, Hank.
Why aren't you convinced?
There weren't any discernible dermal ridges,
like fingerprints.
All the quality tracks have them.
If there were dermal ridges,
I'd be a hundred percent sure they were authentic.
Ugh.
Hasn't this gone far enough?
This is slow slogging and my hands are cramping,
but it'll be worth it once I--
Aah-ow!
Dirty son of a...
That hurt?
Put your thumb down here.
No.
Put your head down here.
No.
Come on.
I'm trying to get to know you a bit better here.
You must have some hobbies, interests...
Hobbies are stupid and interests are boring.
Hey!
Are those supposed to be tomatoes or grapes?
Tehhh! Pretty weak effort!
They're grape tomatoes!
But you must like something.
Movies? Books?
Birdwatching?
Too loud, too quiet, too nosey!
Hey!
Pick up
after your stupid dog!
What the hell do you think this is,
potato salad?
Aha!
You do have a hobby, Oscar.
It's being a crotchety crank!
He wasn't picking up his dog's dump.
It was literally in his hand the whole time!
Your outfit is coming along great.
Thanks.
Not sure if you can tell,
but I'm a warrior of Sheffling.
Of course I can.
Can you tell that I'm Draxella, Queen Mother of the Lizardians?
You totally nailed it.
Really?
Because I don't see any bowing.
Sorry!
Ring kiss.
Scepter smooch.
Damn straight.
So I complain a bit.
It's good for the community.
I tell idiots they're idiots,
the idiots thereby learn they're idiots,
it's win-win!
I'm just saying,
I think you complain too much,
and you're too loud right out of the gate.
Too yelly. Is that a word?
See?
See what?
You just complained about my complaining.
Yeah, but that's...
I-I-I'm just...
Feels good, doesn't it?
Hey, you staying for another?
Ah, I don't think so.
The one bottle of red wine they have
has been sitting open since Christmas.
Come on.
I could tell you all about the Sasquatch tracks I found.
Really?
Well, no, not really.
Wanda is screwing with me,
so I'm screwing with her right back.
Going to make her jump through a few hoops
because no one screws with the screwmaster.
Hey, what sounds better, "screwmaster" or "screwmeister"?
I wouldn't Google either of them,
but listen,
are you totally sure those footprints are fakes?
Yeah.
That's an odd question.
I just...
Oh, I'm sorry I got upset earlier.
I didn't want to say anything
because I was afraid you'd make fun of me...
I've never told anyone this before,
but a long time ago, like, years and years ago,
I...
saw a Sasquatch.
Oh, my god, they killed Lord Farnax!
Emma! We're out of jam!
-: There's marmalade. -Aah! Holy hell.
Did you spend the night?
In our kitchen?
No. Got here early to finish up our outfits.
Emma's faith gown is really on point,
but the jewels of Jalagra won't stay on my battle cup.
"Joodles, jebagas"... speak English!
There's no English in the forest of Mellador.
And there's no me in this conversation.
Hi, Oscar.
And here's Officer Flapgum, on top of it.
On top of what?
Your big, dumb, fully grown adult partner
is in my kitchen,
sewing Halloween costumes
so he can pretend he's on some show.
The old shows were better--
Milton Burlesque, The Honeydrippers,
Make Room For Beaver...
Not this weirdo crap
that Emma and Davis are on about.
Davis doesn't go on about it.
He goes on and on and on about it.
They should call it Drone Strife.
Heh!
Hey, you're pretty good at complaining.
I am?
Yeah.
You got the gift of the grouse.
What else don't you like about that stupid show?
Well, I hate how Davis mocks me
for not knowing the magic words to some wizard's spell.
There ya go...
Meanwhile,
if we ever have to fill out some form,
he's like, "Karen, what's my phone number?"
Ha, ha, ha!
That's good stuff.
Let's go share your gift around town.
My gift?
You can't say "I saw a Sasquatch"
and then just leave it at that,
like you said "I own several spoons".
Spoons?
See? Now you need to know more.
Okay, fine.
Don't go spreading this around,
but yes...
I saw a Sasquatch as a teen.
How do you know it was a teen?
Because it had acne.
It wasn't a teen, you goof. I was!
It happened back in summer camp.
I was maybe 12 or 13 years old.
It was late at night.
I had to pee really bad,
but it was dark and creepy in the woods,
and the outhouse was so far away.
Don't tell me you left the tent.
I crawled out of the tent...
Oh, my god.
And headed for some bushes nearby.
I was just about to drop my PJs, when I saw a silhouette.
It was huge and upright, with glowing yellow eyes.
It glared at me, made some low guttural sound,
and then slowly walked away...
walked, on two legs, into the woods.
I didn't even finish my business,
I just pulled up my PJs and ran back to camp.
I would have finished my business
the second I saw it,
pants or no pants.
Don't joke.
It really freaked me out.
It still bothers me to this day.
What?
It's just...
I mean, it's a compelling story, for sure...
Story?
You don't believe me?
I'm just wary
that you might be screwing with me here.
Oh, you hypocrite!
You get all worked up
because Wanda won't believe this stuff,
but you won't believe me?
But, you see,
that's exactly how you'd play this
if you were screwing with me.
I can't keep up these late-night shenanigans.
I'm exhausted.
So am I.
But why are you even up?
I have to be here for work.
You have no job, no responsibilities,
no hope, no future...
I can't sleep.
I'm too stressed about this web of lies.
Web? It's one thing.
I can't take it.
My stomach's a web of knots.
Have you ever seen a web?
I have to tell Brent about our Sasquatch hoax.
You keep your yap shut!
Yeah? Or what?
Or...
I'll tell Brent
about how you've been hoaxing him
with this Sasquatch stuff.
What? No!
No, don't tell!
I'll play ball.
Oh, you guys!
You will never believe this!
You shouldn't either-- Ow!
Do go on.
I saw fresh tracks this morning.
And guess what?
Loaded with dermal ridges!
The deepest dermaliest ridges anyone's ever seen.
Ha! Well, I guess that cinches it.
Yep. Almost.
Almost?
Well, it's spring, right?
That's mating season for the Sasquatch,
so naturally anyone would expect to hear some mating songs,
long, howling mating songs,
between and 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
Then I'd know for sure!
This is a web!
Huh?
Hey, Won.
When are you going to get some bananas
that aren't 70% black spots?
These look like a Dalmatian with jaundice.
Am I right, Karen?
Uh, yeah!
And those apples look
like they belong in a seniors centre.
They're old...
and wrinkled...
kind of sad.
They're mangoes.
Oh.
Yeah, well, her point still stands!
Get some fresh stuff
or I'll never buy fruit here again!
Good.
Enjoy your scurvy!
I suppose
we could have changed into our outfits
once we got there.
Sure, we could go halfway
and look like totally uncommitted newbies.
Is that what you want, Emma?
No.
Is that what you want?
Settle down.
Sorry.
To the darkened forests of Mellador!
Seriously.
Sorry.
I kind of blew it back at the fruit stand.
Complaining is like a muscle--
it's weak at first,
but if you keep exercising,
it gets big and strong,
and pretty soon
you're kicking sand in people's faces
at the beach.
Dude! What the hell?
I can hear that god-awful rap-hop
spilling out of your head
even with these earplugs in!
It's Hall and Oates.
I don't care what you're haulin'.
You're going to get yourself killed
riding around with your ears plugged
in traffic.
Traffic?
Just because there aren't any vehicles
doesn't mean there isn't any traffic.
Uh, that's exactly what that means.
Kid's right. That made no sense.
Ah!
Stop doing that!
Just here for a coffee.
That's all.
So anyway, on another topic,
when you saw your Sasquatch,
were you surprised at how flat his head was?
Pretty flat head, right?
Mm, not really.
Actually, his head sort of rose up into a cone.
Yes! It's called a sagittal crest.
But how did you know that?
Wait, are you just trying to trip me up
because you don't believe me?
No. No, no.
I'm just-- I'm making casual conversation
about what you think
your creature's arm-to-torso ratio might be,
that's all.
I kept that a secret for so long
because I didn't think anyone would believe me.
Then I finally share it
with someone I think I can trust,
and this is what I get?
I'm sorry.
The hoaxes and pranks
are swirling around hot and heavy out there.
I'm just trying to watch my back.
Yeah, well, now you can watch mine.
Sick burn.
That skateboard kid kind of rattled me.
I can do better than that.
Well, here's your chance.
Oh, no.
Oscar, we can't.
Hey, kid!
You got a licence to operate that thing?
I don't know,
but I sqwozded the lemons myself.
Typical.
Write her up, Karen.
She's just a little kid.
Well, at least give her a good scare.
Cuff her and rough 'er.
Am I in twubble?
No, you're not in twubble--
I mean, trouble.
You are doing a great job.
You disappoint me, Karen.
I don't care.
I'm okay with telling a grown man
he's got wrinkly mangoes,
but I'm not going to shake down a five-year-old girl.
Complaining knows no age or gender.
It's blind, like Lady Justice.
You're either all in or you're out.
What's it gonna be?
I'll take one glass, please.
I choose positivity over negativity.
This is terrible!
What'd you make this with?
Fresh-squeezed diapers?
Gwow up!
Oh no...
I've become you.
Keep dweaming.
I can't believe we have to stay up again
to make stupid mating calls.
Besides,
what do Sasquatch mating calls even sound like?
Probably loud, because they're big,
but at the same time,
they're trying to be sexy, right?
So maybe it's like...
That's sexy?
This isn't romance.
It's propagation of a species.
It's about power.
It's like...
He's never going to get any action like that.
No, it's like, uh...
Huhhh! Huhhh! Huhhh!
Whatcha doing?
Nothing! Hank hurt his foot.
When?
-Gah! Ow!
I mean...
I see.
Well, I can't wait for tonight.
Between the mating calls and the fresh scat,
it's going to be exciting!
-Scat? -Yeah.
Like, wherever legitimate tracks are found,
there's always some fresh scat.
You know, poo...
flop...
dumplings...
That's it! I'm done.
There's no way I'm handling fresh poop
just to pull off a hoax!
Me neither!
Oh, yeah...
I could have just got you to do it.
Dammit!
Heh, heh. Game, set, and match.
No, game, Squatch, and match.
No, game, Sas, and Squatch.
Yeah, they're all gold.
There goes the screwmaster.
He prefers "screwmeister".
How much further?
Not far.
Maybe you should have a nap.
Ah, too excited.
Let's have a snack!
I prepared some Throne-Strife themed treats.
There's Ribs of Ragnarok,
which are really just beef,
and Bloodbred-- jam on buns,
and a thermos of hot Stormbroth.
What's Stormbroth?
The Torgon army drank it in Book 5.
Ah. I've never read the books.
I've only seen the shows.
Oh, Emma, you really must read the books.
Right, well... maybe one of these days.
You simply can't fully appreciate
the breadth of the Mellador universe
without the originating literature.
"Literature".
Let's not get too snooty, professor.
I shan't.
I don't want to make an enemy
of the Queen Mother of the Lizardians
and have her poison me
like she did King Staymick.
What?
After she found out he was her long-lost brother,
who was actually her stepson.
It was in book number...
Oh.
Why are we stopping?
Why do you think?
You want me to drive?
Your highness!
You can't just leave me here like a lost Gelderlane!
Can I have the Stormbroth?
♪ Doo-da-loo Do-loo, do-doo... ♪
Oh... my... god!
Thanks for the ride, Brent!
Jerk.
I mean, I couldn't believe
Emma would just strand me on the highway
like that.
It was a total betrayal,
like how Prince Wexling of Massacronia
back-stabbed the Crimsonites.
Oh... sorry.
I'm going on about Throne Strife again.
You don't hear me complaining.
You want another glass?
If you're buying.
Another round, Sally.
Thanks, Officer Pelly,
and thanks for letting me know I had to use sugar.
Gah!
Honestly!
Next time, you get a knife in the neck.
I'm here to apologize.
I saw something last night that sort of rocked my world.
I won't go into detail, but I'm sorry I doubted you.
I believe you saw that Sasquatch.
Oh, that?
Ah, I was just screwing with you.