Hey, what was the name of that actor
that played the dad in the movie Nebraska?
Bob Hope.
No, Bob Hope was in Bad Santa.
Darn it! I see his face...
Well, he's predominantly known as a character actor
who most recently...
Bruce Dern!
That's it.
Man, what did people do before smartphones?
I'll tell you what they did.
They asked me.
I've always been the wellspring of knowledge
in Dog River,
as far back as I can remember.
You know, the game of tetherball
was invented in 1895,
but a similar activity existed in the ninth century,
when barbarians would tie an enemy's head to a pole and...
oof!
You okay?
Hard to say.
The symptoms of concussion vary from individual to individual.
Recent reports show...
I didn't mind the Internet
when it was cat videos and graphic porn,
but now it's cramping my style.
If you want to compete with the Internet,
you have to sass it up like the Internet.
What,
like those stupid lists that suck people in?
"6 ways blueberries improve your libido"?
Nobody falls for...
What?
Blueberries improve your libido?
I'm... asking for a friend...
Mr. Johnson...
if you know what I...
Ugh, we know!
Yeah, we get it.
♪ You think there's not a lot going on ♪
♪ Look closer, baby
♪ You're so wrong
Hey, where's your live bait?
I don't sell live bait.
Yeah, I don't take down signs either.
You need a ladder,
and it becomes a whole big thing.
What the hell do you mean, you don't sell live bait?
It's gross.
Buying live bait at the local gas station
is an age-old tradition.
A lot of age-old traditions are gross.
Did you know barbarians
would tie the head of an enemy to a pole
and play tetherball with it?
Where the hell did you get that?
Probably read it on the Internet.
Okay, reach for it.
Go on. Do it.
No way, you'll shoot me.
I'm going to shoot him
if he makes us explain this again.
Hank, you agreed to help us
with this armed robbery training exercise.
But how is it armed robbery when I don't have a gun?
Secondly, shouldn't I be wearing a mask?
We all know you're the thief.
If I was a thief,
why would I stand here in plain sight?
Just take the stupid money.
Why would I put my life on the line
robbing some crappy bar?
Hey!
Can I at least taze him?
Okay, who?
"Who" what?
You sent me a text saying
"You'll never guess
who was banned from the bar.
Only Wanda knows for sure."
Oh, did I?
Well, it seems last Thursday night,
after one or five too many beers,
a certain...
I got a text saying, "There's only one time
to talk to your kid about sex."
Then it says...
"What Wanda knows will shock you."
Well, "shock" may be a bit strong,
but sexologists agree...
Can I talk to you for a second?
Let me guess, you're jacked up
about my "5 Hottest Bachelors in Dog River" piece.
Okay, Number 5 is tricky 'cause he's married,
but there's trouble in paradise.
I don't give a flying click about bachelors.
I mean, tell me later,
but since your blueberry comment,
I've sold out
of blueberry muffins and pie.
So do one about potatoes.
What? Why?
I screwed up the order,
and I have way too many potatoes.
♪ You're my sweet potato You're my hot tomato ♪
♪ Gonna be cooking tonight
Well, I don't know that a few words from me
is going to generate that much interest.
Okay, what are the seven signs
your husband is cheating?
Bachelor Number 5.
Yeowch!
What are you doing?
I'm not giving someone a heart attack.
What are you doing?
I'm watching my dad put
what appears to be a bucket of squid guts
in my dairy cooler.
If you're not selling live bait,
you're leaving money on the table.
I'm also not leaving snail sludge
on the butter.
Snails go good with butter!
Even the French know that.
[Hank]: I don't like this.
I'm no criminal.
Okay.
Pretend you're a good guy
who was wrongly accused of something bad.
Now you're on the lam
until you can prove your innocence.
Yeah,
and you just need a few bucks to get by,
so you're going to rob this crappy old bar...
Hey!
You'll pay them back after you clear your name.
Like Jason Steele in "Renegade Patriot."
Yeah, sure, go with that.
Now reach for the till.
But if I'm Jason Steele,
a highly trained covert operative,
why would I reach for the money
when two cops are looking right at me?
He's doing it again.
And why is there a huge fruit bat on the ceiling?
Aah! My eyes!
My eggs!
[Karen]: Oh, my God...
[grunting]
[till opening]
You said "Number six would blow my mind."
It barely raised my eyebrows.
It was the 10 Weirdest Ice Cream Flavours.
They can't all be winners.
I'm pumping these out hand over fist, Helen.
Okay, what's the potato angle?
I don't have a potato angle.
I'm not in this to push product.
I'm about truth.
Please.
You're about trivia.
Really?
You think I can't do a story that has substance and merit?
Can it be the merit of potatoes?
No.
Come on, help me out here!
So is the competition hurting your sales at all?
What competition?
I think that's a spelling mistake.
The real mistake
was not putting him in a home.
Here's a couple of menus,
but we do have four lunch specials.
Number three will make your mouth water.
So... the other ones are dry?
No, I was just...
If three of the four are dry, that doesn't sound very special.
I don't know
how it could have gone so wrong.
Mistakes were made. We got sloppy.
We need to find him fast,
or this will embarrass the whole department.
No one can ever know about this.
Oh, yes, they can.
Oh, hey, Dad. What's new?
Open up any hastily constructed kiosks
in a ditch lately?
Tough noogies, buddy boy.
You had your chance
to corner the live bait market,
and you blew it.
[laughing]
Now ring these up.
10 bags of chips and a dozen cans of pop.
You on a health kick?
Or shall I assume
you'll be selling these at your fishgut stand?
At a discount, too...
to draw customers away from you.
I see.
So you're paying retail to buy my stuff
to keep people from buying my stuff.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
Yep, I'm really taking it in the teeth here.
Ah, well. I live, I learn.
Hey.
Hi, Emma.
I overheard some people
saying that three of your four lunch specials
are poison.
They're just dry.
They're not dry, it was... ugh...
I was luring people with leading statements.
Well, you shouldn't need tricks.
Good cooking sells itself.
Good cooking?
You mean like my...
delicious potato latkes?
The mystery ingredient will have you shaking your head.
I meant more like my potato gratin.
No head-shaking, just good cooking.
Mystery latkes, or yummy gratin?
They both sound good.
You get one, I'll get the other,
and we'll see which is better.
Coming right up.
I have a proposition for you.
He's not at the Ruby.
He's not at Corner Gas.
He's not at the Foo Mart.
We've checked everywhere.
We haven't checked his house.
Put it on the list.
What list? Whose house?
No list. What house?
Come on.
What's going on?
Who are you looking for?
Why are you so nosy?
The citizens of Dog River have a right to know
what their police state is up to.
What do you mean, "up to"?
Why so defensive, Karen?
And... [sniffing]
why do you smell like pickled eggs?
Get her off me.
Wanda, you need to back off.
Why's that?
And why is there a drink coaster
in your shirt pocket?
No reason.
You never know
when you're going to have a cool drink on a hot day...
beside an antique table.
I think I have all I need here.
You two have a good day,
but don't leave town.
Hey, that's our thing.
[Wanda]: Anything out of the ordinary
happen lately?
Hank saw a fruit bat... so he says.
Anything else?
Not really...
although he did go nuts, throw stuff around,
grab money from my till and jump out the window.
Only took the fives, though.
Idiot.
Hank stole from you?
So you called the cops.
Karen and Davis were in on it.
This is unbelievable!
I know.
Fruit bats only live in tropical countries.
Idiot.
Okay, another set of orders for our potato poll.
Don't forget to cast your vote for which one you like better.
This is working great.
It's like an Internet poll.
People can't resist.
It's kind of fun.
The Internet just might catch on.
And who cares whose dish even wins?
If it's 60-40 for you or 60-40 for me, in the end,
I've moved a ton of potatoes, right?
Emma?
What the hell is that about?
What's the big idea,
sitting your father out in the ditch like that?
It wasn't my idea.
It's a stupid idea, so guess whose idea.
I don't care.
He can't be out there in the sun and the wind,
with the exhaust and the fumes,
and you know it's only a matter of time
until he gets run over and killed.
He'll never let me hear the end of that.
Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Heh-heh-heh.
Fox is in the henhouse now, hey, jackass?
Yeah, great.
You want to hang a couple air fresheners
around your neck?
You smell like a dashboard crab cake.
Smells like money to me.
You sure you got enough chips over there?
Maybe not.
Ring me up another half-dozen bags.
All righty,
and you know I'm going to have to charge you
a small rental fee for being in here.
I think I can afford your dinky rent,
with me having a town-wide monopoly on bait.
Yeah, you better start dreaming up
names for your yacht.
Was Hank in here a while ago
buying things with a bunch of fives?
Yeah... how'd you know that?
Hank came into some money recently,
and since he never has any,
he'd probably be itching to spend it.
There's only a handful of places in town
to buy anything.
This one is near the bar, and Hank's lazy.
Whoa, you're good.
Ah, it's basic investigative journalism,
but yes, I'm very good.
Anyhoo, did Hank buy anything unusual?
No, not really.
Some candy, comic books, 30 feet of chain...
Hang on.
Did he want the chain all in one strip,
or did he have you break it up?
Broken up.
Two 10-foot lengths
and a bunch of shorter lengths.
How did you know that?
Oh, Won,
keep selling groceries
and leave the problem-solving to me.
You have to pull.
I was... checking the hinges for...
shut up.
Dents in the wall.
Furniture askew.
Must've been a struggle.
Nope. This is how Hank lives.
His struggle is hygiene.
Why did we use Hank in the first place?
We should've used Helen, like last year.
So you want me to steal this car?
Yeah, just open the door.
Freeze!
[screaming]
Oh, my bladder...
She said she was busy this year.
I've got a hunch
Hank's freak-out may have been influenced
by his love of action movies.
Hey, Renegade Patriot.
All right!
That's the one Hank mentioned.
There's just one thing to do...
[movie soundtrack playing]
[man crying out]
Whoa!
I haven't heard a joint snap like that
since Wing Night.
Shh.
Steele just found the office of the corrupt police chief.
[grunting]
Knock knock.
Anybody home?
You know, if Hank's acting out
what he saw in this movie,
he might break into our office
and steal something.
Don't be ridiculous.
[phone ringing]
Hang on, Karen, I'm getting a call from the police.
Hello?
Knock knock.
Anybody home?
Uh-oh. It's Hank.
How'd he know we were here?
Wait a minute.
You better not be where my phone tells me you are.
You mean, in your office, touching all your stuff?
Are you fiddling with my pens?
I hear pen fiddling.
You better not mess with my chair.
Up, down.
You sick bastard.
Hank, it's not too late
to make this all go away.
There's a key in my drawer.
Go lock yourself in the holding cell.
No one puts Yarbo in a cage.
I'm outta here,
but first I'm going to...
take a file!
[Karen]: Yes! Called it!
Now you'll pay
for kidnapping the senator's daughter.
The cops kidnapped the daughter?
Spoiler alert!
You won't get away with this.
Ho ho, that's what you think.
Argh!
We've got to go after him.
Or... we finish the rest of the movie
so we'll know what he's going to do next.
Hank's not going
to do everything Jason Steele does.
[Jason Steele]: Now you'll pay
for kidnapping the senator's daughter.
Go make popcorn.
[Emma]: Wow.
I didn't think our little competition
would sell so many specials.
Well...
it did, so...
Let me help count the votes.
I'm done.
This pile is yours...
and these two are mine.
This giant, huge stack is all my potato gratins?
Okay, yes, you got 98% of the vote,
but the real goal was to move some potatoes,
and we did it... together.
This handwriting looks familiar.
Did you vote for yourself?
No.
Maybe once.
Hey, everyone!
Guess whose potato dish won by a landslide?
The results will make your jaw explode!
He said he took a file.
Hard to say which one.
We have to find him.
Jason Steele had a hideout.
If Hank was a spy, where would he go?
I don't know,
but until he found someplace to hide,
he'd hide out in the treehouse that him and Brent built.
So what you're saying is,
he'd hide out at their hideout
until he found a hideout.
Don't make things complicated, Karen.
[chuckling]
A golden helicopter?
That is one rich duck.
[police siren wailing]
Dammit. They're onto me.
Come with me if you want to leave.
Karen and Davis are going to kill me?
Not "live," "leave," you knob.
[Hank scarfing food]
How long's it been since you've eaten?
Almost an hour.
Right.
I forgot you eat
like a hammered Hasselhoff in a hallway.
Cut the chit-chat. How'd you find me?
I heard you bought some chain,
and it reminded me of a little something
you said to Brent last week...
I think I'm going to buy some chain,
make a chain-link ladder...
you know... for our tree house.
From that vague nugget,
I was able to deduce your whereabouts.
Oh, you're like Batman.
All right, now you have me,
what do you want?
Your side of the story.
How do I know you won't betray me?
I'd never reveal my source.
I'm your Woodward and Bernstein.
Oh, I love those bear books!
Which one's Woodward?
Just give me something juicy.
Fine,
but all I got is whatever this is.
I haven't read it yet.
I'm not done with my comic.
Oh-oh, this is huge.
You want to see huge?
Check out this duck's swimming pool.
Live bait?
God, no.
Well, buy something or scram, Browsy-Pants!
You're blocking my stand.
Dad, why don't you take the rest of the day off?
I've earned it.
I've got a bait business to run.
I'll watch your stink shack for you.
You couldn't handle it.
Sure I can,
and I'll even sell your snacks from the main counter,
and I'll only charge you a 10% service fee.
10%?
While I'm sitting at home with my feet up?
Well, if you think that's a good deal,
who am I to argue?
[laughing]
Refill your coffee?
I'm drinking tea.
Oh, whoops. Sorry!
I have been a little distracted
over this potato competition thing.
Well... I voted for Emma's,
but just so you know,
I liked your latkes better.
You did?
Then why did you vote for Emma's?
How's my potato gratin?
Mm, it's a little too, uh...
A little too what?
Perfect... not to vote for.
But swear on your mother's life you won't tell Emma.
Ah, your secret's safe with me.
How's the pie?
Uh, it's a little too, uh...
A little too what?
It's good!
Geez, that is effective.
As a legitimate journalist,
I'm reaching out to you for comment
on the massive exposé I'm about to write.
How can I comment about a story
that hasn't even been written?
That's how it's going to be, is it?
How can I know how it's going to be
when it hasn't even been yet?
You wouldn't be so smug and/or stupid
if you knew my story was about
a certain top-secret file...
a top-secret green file.
[choking]
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I choked on a noodle.
A coffee noodle?
Hank took the green file?
Uh-uh-uh,
I would never divulge my source,
but yes.
Forget that file.
I have a deeper, darker story for you.
Wanda? You here?
Make it quick.
What have you got?
Okay, but you promised...
I give you this, and the green file is mine,
and you forget you ever saw it.
Sweet Maggie Gyllenhaal, this really happened?
Okay, flatfoot, you got yourself a deal.
Clack, clack, clack!
I chose egg salad
because it's the quietest of all the sandwiches,
and here you are,
hammering away on your clackulator.
Let me see if I've got this straight.
You bought chips and pop at retail
and sold them wholesale.
You're paying rent
to have your bait shack inside the gas station,
and you're paying Brent 10% of your sales
so you can sit at home and eat a sandwich.
And to top it all off,
he thinks he's doing me a favour!
Ha!
That's your bottom line.
Looks about right.
Why's it in red?
It's an intriguing story,
but I have a lot of unanswered questions.
Everyone will,
and they won't find the answers
on their stupid phones.
Hey, Wanda.
Who's this mysterious Mr. Y?
Are we safe in a town with cops
who can't catch a fake criminal?
Is improv a crime?
Glad you came to see me, fellas.
Well, it seems on the night in question...
What kind of a stunt are you trying to pull,
letting your own father
sell live bait in your store
for zero profit?
Sorry, Dad, but you ripped yourself off.
I just happened to be there
to soak up the cash you were hemorrhaging
out of every gaping bad decision.
You crook!
Your own father!
Oscar, we got a bunch of complaints
about your bait shack...
mostly that the live bait is dead...
plus a few reports of real worms being mistaken for gummy ones.
You see? This is exactly...
yech.
You'll have to pay a hefty fine,
and I'm revoking your fish-bait license.
Well, the joke's on you, Fitzy-Boy,
because I don't have a fish-bait license.
Brent's the one
who's been selling the bait for me,
right here in Corner Gas.
Is that true, Brent?
I guess, technically,
in a superficial sort of...
reality-based, autobiographical...
yeah, it's true.
Your business, your fine.
[whistling]
Well, there goes all my scamming profits.
Your own father!
Yeah, so you said.
[Karen]: Admit it.
You're the "anonymous police informant,"
aren't you?
Of course not.
Who else would know that...
"Local police wasted valuable time
trying to figure out the suspect's microwave
while attempting to make popcorn"?
Can't believe you didn't know
how to work a microwave.
There's a popcorn button right on it.
This undermines everyone's confidence in us.
Not as much as if they read this.
"The Intergalactic Adventures
of Detectives Davis Quinton and Jar-Jar Binks."
Ew. This is bad.
Best not let that fall into the wrong hands.
The least you could do is tell us where Hank is
so we could bring him in
and get our dignity back.
Stuff it, piggy!
He's under my protection.
Piggy?
I said, uh...
picky.
Like, you're picky about what slang terms I can use
for the police.
Fine,
but if we can't find Hank,
we can't pay him for the training exercise.
Wait!
I get paid?
[screaming]
Look, everybody!
We caught Hank.
The town is safe again.
[half-hearted] Yay...
Feel safe already.
Woo hoo!
How much... do I get?
Aw, buck up, champ.
At least you didn't lose a bunch of money
trying to innocently screw over your dad.
Well, at least you didn't lose your dignity
in a humiliating potato contest.
One vote?
I was only allowed to vote once.
It's called democracy, comrade.
That was you?
You voted for me over your mom?
Mm-hm.
Oh, that's so sweet, and very brave.
Brave?
I'm not scared of my mom.
So I can tell her?
You can never tell her.
Geez.
No, no, you can never tell her.
All right.
[♪♪♪]
♪ I don't know
♪ The same things you don't know ♪
♪ I don't know
♪ I just... don't know
♪ Ooh
♪ It's a great big place
♪ Ooh
♪ Full of nothing but space
♪ Ooh
♪ It's my happy place