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00:00:01,209 --> 00:00:04,045
♪♪
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Announcer:
Nevertheless, if you mashed
together every soul on Earth,
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it would weigh less
than one flea.
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Ryan Regrt scratched
so religiously
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that the sore on his arm
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grew into the shape
of a small church.
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The more fanatic he scratched,
the deeper the itch became,
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until Ryan was more church
than child,
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wholly swallowed
by the swell, gone.
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His grieving parents
were grateful
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for the tragic loss
of their beloved boy,
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as it gave them
the perfect place
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to mourn the tragic loss
of their beloved boy.
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Luckily, the church pastor
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taught them how to repent
for this perverse pleasure.
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Pastor: That's good.
A little to the left.
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Right there. Ah, don't stop.
Yes. Ahh, ahh. Yes! Oh!
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Ohhhhh!
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♪♪
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Announcer:
But as man evolves,
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war itself must become
increasingly sophisticated.
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You puny maggots need me
to break you into men...
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'cause you're maggots!
What are you?
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I'm a maggot, sir!
I can't hear you!
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I'm a maggot, sir!!
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I don't understand!
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Sir! I am -- I'm saying I --
I'm saying a maggot!
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But I'm confused -- how are you
a maggot of some kind?!
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Just 'cause you told me I was,
so I'm a maggot, sir!
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But how is that
physiologically possible?!
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Huh, maggot?!
It just is!
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I can't explain
the biology of it,
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but I am a maggot,
I swear!
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Are you playin' mental games
with me, maggot?
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No, sir!
Am I playing
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mental games
with you, maggot?
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I really don't know.
I-I really don't know, sir!
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[ Sobbing ]
Do I look like
I'm playing mental games?
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Look me in the eye.
What do you see in there?
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[ Sniffles ]
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God, I hope he can't
really see inside me --
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how fragile I am...
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how I can only feel big
by belittling others...
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how I'd crumble were I not
held whole by his fear of me.
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Can he tell that
I'm the real maggot?
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Hey, now,
I'm not gonna let you
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beat yourself up like that.
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Wait. How did --
I can hear your voi--
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Shh! It's okay.
I genuinely respect you,
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not because of your performance
of masculinity,
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but in spite of it.
But...I'm toxic trash.
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You know what I see behind
all your emotional armor?
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A real cool cookie.
For real?
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Triple sugar
shine real, real.
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I've waited my whole life
to hear someone tell me that.
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Now that it happened, why do
I still feel so alone inside?
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You're not alone.
I'm in there with you.
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You're my tough
little guy, okay?
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Who's my tough
little guy?
I am.
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I can't hear you.
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I-I'm your tough
little guy!
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Louder!
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I'm your tough little guy!
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God, I feel so appreciated
for the first time.
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How can I ever
thank you, guy?
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How 'bout, uh, maybe --
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I don't know --
a -- a little kiss?
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Oh.
That's not what I...
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That -- That would make me
uncomfortable.
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After all
I've done for you?
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One quick little kiss
inside of our minds.
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No one has to know.
Um, okay.
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Um, well, o-okay,
just -- just one.
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[ Smooches ]
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That wasn't
so bad, was it?
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I guess not.
Gimme a little more.
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Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
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This is all
happening so fast.
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[ Growling ]
What was that?
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Be still, my cookie.
This'll be over quick.
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[ Crunching ]
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Where'd I go?
Where am I?
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You're in the realm
of love eternal.
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Isn't it beautiful?
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I-I don't know.
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Just kidding.
You're in my tummy.
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It's beautiful.
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Oh, boy.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
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[ Groans ]
[ Plopping ]
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I feel like you're taking
advantage of me, Private.
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Aw, that's all
in your head.
[ Horn honks ]
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Which reminds me --
I-I forgot to wipe. Hang on.
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Well, we better
get back to it
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before the guys
notice anything.
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And don't you dare squeal
about what I done did to you.
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Well, do I look like I'm
playing mental games, maggot?!
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No, sir!
You're not, I swear!
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Then answer this question,
maggot --
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why do you treat me like dirt
when all I ever wanted
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was to bask
in the light of your love?!
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[ Sobbing ]
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Great! You're ready!
What?
[ Fanfare ]
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This was all a part
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of a covert elite
psychic training program.
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You are now
the perfect soldier.
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Really? Thanks.
W-What an honor.
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Yep. Go on now. The big war
is right through there.
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♪♪
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[ Laughter ]
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Well, that takes care
of that dildo.
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Announcer: Private Ray Pontle
simply did what was required
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to get out of his
dangerous combat obligations.
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Now he was free to pursue
his true calling --
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a life of secretly watching
women purchase underwear.
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-Aah!
-He knew Sarge would be fine.
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Sergeant Pat Mounder, on behalf
of the U.S. Armed Forces,
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it's my duty
to inform you
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that we're gonna have
to let you go.
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[ Robotic voice ]
You are firing me?
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It's not your fault.
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It's just you're not a good
fit for our organization.
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You're more like a piece of meat
that just keeps on living.
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But your war made
me like this.
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Now, w-we could
get into all that
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"he said, meat said"
stuff,
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but you'd be better off
trying for a job
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as a raisin or a maggot.
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I'll kill you.
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I'll kill everyone!
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Congratulations!
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You passed your cyborg
warrior training.
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You're ready!
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What an honor.
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[ Music playing ]
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Announcer: Tessa Doinel had
wasted enough of her life
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doing whatever men
wanted her to do.
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She decided to take a stand
and buy the blue ones this time.
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Find what you're
looking for?
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Did you see these underwear?
T-They...
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Yes, all the panties on this
rack are self-bleeding.
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But why?
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They bleed
so you don't have to.
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Ooh, these would
look sexy on you.
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No, I-I don't like it.
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Not your color?
No, it's the blood.
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Oh.
Well, there are other fluids.
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These ones here
are self-snotting.
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[ Coughs ]
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Ooh,
that's hot on you.
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You looking to spice up
your marriage?
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Well, I'd like
to have kids, so...
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You should've said so.
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These ones are crotchless
for easy...you know.
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Go on, push.
Huh?
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Push.
Unh.
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Don't be shy.
[ Grunts ]
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[ Moans ]
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[ Grunting ]
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[ Moaning ]
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Here it comes.
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Harder. Harder!
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[ Grunting ]
[ Moaning ]
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[ Water splashes, baby cries ]
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Ooh, that's sexy.
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You broke it,
you bought it.
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I don't know how to take
care of it.
Gotcha covered.
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Just feed the goddamn thing
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till it moves out
or goes to jail.
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Truth is, I-I don't actually
have a husband.
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Not a problem.
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We carry a wide selection
of wifebeaters.
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I knew I'd find love if o--
Oh, oh, oh!
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He dumped me!
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I'll never bask
in the light of love...
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love...love...
love...love...
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Announcer: Private Pontle
had found his soul mate.
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He just had to speak to her
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and begin his new life
of perfect joy.
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Wait! Miss!
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[ Horn honking ]
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Woman's voice:
Attention.
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You have activated our
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00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,423
automated insecurity system.
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I didn't take anything.
Go on -- check.
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There's nothing missing.
186
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Oh. I see.
187
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You're saying that there's
something missing in me,
188
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is that it?
189
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Like there's a hole
in my soul or something?
190
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:44,732
How dare this thing attack me!
Trying to make me feel guilty?
191
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:48,569
Judge me? I'm a good guy.
So maybe I'm not perfect.
192
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But I'm expected to what --
search inside of myself
193
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:54,534
and confront
the bad things I've done?
194
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Okay, fine! I made him suffer
in a really bad war!
195
00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,166
I'm a monster!
196
00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:04,335
How can I pay
for what I've done?!
197
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:08,464
You can be forgiven for how you
treated Sergeant Pat Mounder
198
00:09:08,464 --> 00:09:11,300
if you seek absolution
from above.
199
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,803
And Sarge is probably fine,
right?
200
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:15,763
Right? Right?
Right? Right?
201
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:19,475
Announcer: Sergeant Mounder
was thrown into war after war
202
00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:23,980
until every shred
of his flesh was blown up.
203
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,691
They managed to keep
his essence alive,
204
00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:30,653
though he was stripped down
to pure consciousness energy --
205
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:34,407
the perfect killing machine.
206
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,659
Contrite,
Private Pontle prostrated
207
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:38,119
before his higher power,
208
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:41,831
begging for holiness
to bright his life.
209
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:47,461
♪♪
210
00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:48,671
It is often said
211
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:52,174
you should never give a man's
pure consciousness
212
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:55,595
a clear shot
to exact vengeance.
213
00:09:57,221 --> 00:09:59,599
But the yucks was on
the sergeant again
214
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,000
because, when you're tormented
by the itch of guilt,
215
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:05,938
there is only one path
to relief.
216
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,941
Private:
Oh, that's good. Yes, yes.
Right there. To the left.
217
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:12,278
Ah, yes. Right there, yes.
That's good.
218
00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:15,906
I'm free!
219
00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:19,452
[ Gasps ]
220
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,287
I'm basking in love.
221
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:24,707
I'm basking in love!
Oh, I'm basking in love!
222
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,584
Announcer:
And if you spend your life
223
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,586
praying for the light of love...
224
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,713
-I'm basking in love!
-...you magnify it in your head
225
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:34,091
until it can caress the stuff
between your atoms...
226
00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:36,636
-Aaaah!
-...that gunk in there
227
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:41,599
that makes them
all stick together as one whole.
228
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Tessa: Aaaah!
229
00:10:45,936 --> 00:10:48,731
♪ There's blood in the kitchen ♪
230
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♪ There's blood in the hall ♪
231
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:58,407
♪ There's blood in the parlor
where my lady did fall ♪
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00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:05,164
♪ Long Lankin was hanged
on a gibbet so high ♪
233
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:11,962
♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪