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♪♪

2
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Announcer:
Our best minds have determined

3
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that the whole universe
is the dream of one ant.

4
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Huh?

5
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Huh?

6
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Aah!

7
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A

8
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I was just sleeping,

9
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and I heard
troubled breath.

10
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Nothing. Nothing.
I-I'm fine.

11
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I just...
had a nightmare.

12
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What are you
accusing me of?

13
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I-I didn't shove anything
all up in your ear.

14
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I never seen that thing
before in my life.

15
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I don't even know
what it is.

16
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Besides,
my thing would need

17
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one twice that size.

18
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What did you do to me?!

19
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Stop this!
What d

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Huh?
Get up!

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W

22
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W-Why are you
hitting me?

23
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What have you done to me
while I was sleeping?

24
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What did you do to me?

25
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I -- I didn't
do anything.

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I don't think I did.

27
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Did I do something to you?

28
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Oh, God!
What did I do?!

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What did you do to me?
You monster!

30
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I'm sorry.
I'm so confused.

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It's okay.
I forgive you.

32
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These things happen.

33
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Why are you
so good to me?

34
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Because you have such tight,
pretty ears.

35
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Not really.
You really wanna know?

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I've never shown
anyone this.

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♪♪

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It's huge.

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Thank you.
Thank you so much.

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♪♪

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Announcer: Then again,
toddler prodigy Trudy Glimmer

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was the greatest peekaboo player
the world had ever known.

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Trudy?

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W
I just saw her.

45
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She was just here.
Where'd she go?

46
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Where'd she go?!

47
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Oh, God.
She was just here!

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Oh, my God! Trudy!

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Where'd you go?!

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Oh, my God.

51
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Oh, Trudy!
My baby!

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Where's my baby?!

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911!
Someone stole my baby!

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Oh, God!

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Someone stole my baby!

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Oh, God,
oh, God, oh God.

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Oh, God.
What's going on?

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Where's Trudy?
What happened?!

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Where is she?!
Aah!

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You get that bastard
that took her!

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If he hurt a hair
on her head, I swear,

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I'm gonna rip
God's face off

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and -- and ram it
down his tip.

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I promise
I will find your daughter,

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even if I have to
kill her to do it.

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Announcer: Police rounded up
every pervert in the area,

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torturing them
for information,

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which, naturally,
the perverts loved.

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They undulated
orgasmically for more.

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The cops were all
too happy to oblige.

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Nipple twisting,
purple nurples, blue nurples,

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every nurple in the rainbow

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turned up
a steaming pile of zilch.

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The trauma of losing their child
tore the parents apart.

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Last year, I let your brothers
sandwich my business.

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Ah, yeah, so did I, Chachi.
So did I.

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Before long, a father
finds a suitable outlet

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to properly deal
with his grief.

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If I don't see my child again
soon, I'm gonna do this.

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Announcer: Some children
are just naturally talented.

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We'll never know why.

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Peekaboo!

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Trudy!
Oh, sweetie, where were you?

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Oh, my God, Trudy.

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Don't ever
disappear again.

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Trudy?!

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Trudy! Trudy!!

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Peekaboo.

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Mama

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Announcer: We have long known
that chickens can live for years

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with their heads cut off.

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Recently, embedded Mideast
war reporters

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have been dosing with huge
infusions of chicken blood

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to frustrate
their terrorist beheaders.

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This is what western
infidels get!

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Is that all you got,
cha

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Shut up and die,
you infidel pig dog.

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Uh, correction --
chicken dog.

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Bawk-bawk.

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You are making me angry.

101
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And you have schmutz
on your dress.

102
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Bonk! Gotcha!
Bawk-bawk, playa!

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Announcer: Innocent bystanders
were so amused,

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they took the act on the road.

105
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Why will you
not die already?

106
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Uh, why don't you
brush your teeth already?

107
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I'm warning you --

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keep it up and I'll stop
this holy war right now.

109
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Bawk-bawk, homey.
A-bawk-bawk.

110
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Mmm, check the hottie
in the front row.

111
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Hey, uh, missy,
you care for a three

112
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Or at least a 2 1/4

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Hey, I'm not severed
where it counts.

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Please die,
for the love of Allah.

115
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Tell you what, I'll die
if you answer one question.

116
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You have a deal.
Fire away.

117
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Why does your faith
glorify hate?

118
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You really want to know?

119
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For me, it's --
s-see, I never had a mother.

120
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Wait, wait,
if you never had a mom,

121
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then how do you
exist at all?

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Jumpin' Jihad,
you're right.

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Announcer:
At that precise moment,

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only one man was having
a worse day at work.

125
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Man: We are
so freaking disappointed

126
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in your output, Dwyer.

127
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Everyone else
in this department types

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at least 10,000
random numbers a day.

129
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Your average is 19.

130
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Sorry, sir.
It's just --

131
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I -- It's just --What's so hard
about it?

132
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Just type random numbers
as fast as you can.

133
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See? Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That's it. Easy peasy.

134
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Now you try. Go!

135
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Uh. Um...

136
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Let's see, uh...
Ooh...

137
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Uh...

138
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Um...
Just hit numbers!

139
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Faster. Faster!

140
00:06:45,784 --> 00:06:47,821
But I can never decide
which number to choose.

141
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Don't think about it.
Just type. It's random.

142
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I know, but I still
want it to be good.

143
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Well, it isn't good.

144
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And what's this?

145
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There's some type
of Goddamn hole

146
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in the back
of your head here.

147
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Whoa.

148
00:07:00,937 --> 00:07:03,008
Weird little critter
living in there.

149
00:07:03,043 --> 00:07:06,253
Hey, little guy.
What the hell, Dwyer?

150
00:07:06,287 --> 00:07:08,738
I wish you could
see this.
What is it?

151
00:07:08,773 --> 00:07:10,153
What is it?!
Come on, Dwyer,

152
00:07:10,188 --> 00:07:11,603
how the hell
am I supposed to know?

153
00:07:11,638 --> 00:07:13,260
Get your act together.

154
00:07:13,294 --> 00:07:15,642
Let me feed
this little thing for you.

155
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:20,647
Damn thing was hungry.

156
00:07:20,681 --> 00:07:22,752
Maybe that's why
you're doing a sucky job.

157
00:07:22,787 --> 00:07:24,444
Did it eat?!

158
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What is it?

159
00:07:27,136 --> 00:07:28,482
Dagit!

160
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The damn thing's allergic
to peanuts or something.

161
00:07:31,140 --> 00:07:33,453
You're on thin ice
with this nonsense, Dwyer.

162
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,179
I'm sorry. Here, l-let me
help you wipe that up.

163
00:07:36,214 --> 00:07:39,976
Just get back to work.
And get that thing checked out.

164
00:07:50,228 --> 00:07:52,472
What are you doing?

165
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:55,371
Just keep working, Dwyer.
I'm having a look.

166
00:07:55,405 --> 00:07:59,340
W-What the he--
What the hell is this thing?

167
00:08:00,928 --> 00:08:06,347
Ah! What the heckJust keep working.

168
00:08:06,382 --> 00:08:08,315
Feisty little bastard.

169
00:08:08,349 --> 00:08:11,905
Oh, wait.
That'swhat's going on.

170
00:08:11,939 --> 00:08:14,494
Feisty little bitch,
I should say --

171
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protecting her eggs.

172
00:08:16,185 --> 00:08:18,359
Eggs?

173
00:08:18,394 --> 00:08:19,637
I'm a little scared.

174
00:08:19,671 --> 00:08:20,983
It's okay.

175
00:08:21,017 --> 00:08:23,088
She got the little things
hatching right now.

176
00:08:23,123 --> 00:08:25,090
What does it look like?Christ, Dwyer!

177
00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:28,818
Those things are loud.
Buddy, these are disruptive.

178
00:08:28,853 --> 00:08:31,511
This is not
appropriate

179
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,167
for a workspace
environment.

180
00:08:33,202 --> 00:08:35,825
I'm sorry. I could strap
a pillow to my head.

181
00:08:35,860 --> 00:08:38,000
Muffle it.I can't hear you,
Dwyer!

182
00:08:38,034 --> 00:08:39,346
It's too loud!

183
00:08:39,380 --> 00:08:40,934
Or could you fill
it with water

184
00:08:40,968 --> 00:08:42,383
and drown them?
Or piss?

185
00:08:42,418 --> 00:08:47,043
Sorry, Dwyer!
Look, we gotta let you go.

186
00:08:47,078 --> 00:08:50,668
You can fire me,
but one day I'll show you.

187
00:08:50,702 --> 00:08:52,670
I'll show you all.

188
00:08:52,704 --> 00:08:55,465
Christ, Dwyer!
It's too loud.

189
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:02,852
Announcer: When he realized
that no one believed in him,

190
00:09:02,887 --> 00:09:06,407
Doug rushed home to see
if he was there.

191
00:09:08,306 --> 00:09:12,034
Dwyer: And the noble prize
for the Most Random Series

192
00:09:12,068 --> 00:09:15,727
of Numbers of All Time
goes to...

193
00:09:15,762 --> 00:09:18,627
Dougie Dwyer!

194
00:09:21,940 --> 00:09:24,046
Announcer: When he reflected
on his strengths,

195
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,393
Doug finally began
to love himself.

196
00:09:26,427 --> 00:09:29,292
And when a man
finds self-esteem,

197
00:09:29,327 --> 00:09:32,572
he can coax himself
to go all the way.

198
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:37,335
♪♪

199
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:42,443
It got so steamy,
even his vanity became aroused.

200
00:09:44,307 --> 00:09:47,587
And Doug got to experience
every man's fantasy --

201
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:50,141
a two-way with himself.

202
00:09:50,175 --> 00:09:52,730
Dwyer: You're killing me.
Killing me.

203
00:09:52,764 --> 00:09:56,975
Kill me. Kill me harder.
Kill me harder. Kill me deeper.

204
00:09:57,010 --> 00:10:01,462
Kill me harder. Kill me harder,
kill me deeper, kill me harder.

205
00:10:01,497 --> 00:10:05,915
Announcer: But alas, someone
always gets hurt in love.

206
00:10:05,950 --> 00:10:08,366
And when one raw-dogs it
with a mirror,

207
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:12,957
the fruit of your vain
comes home to roost...

208
00:10:12,991 --> 00:10:16,029
Push! Push!

209
00:10:18,963 --> 00:10:22,863
Announcer: ...and our lives are
filled with meaning forever,

210
00:10:22,898 --> 00:10:25,763
as long as the screams
don't get so loud

211
00:10:25,797 --> 00:10:28,766
that they wake the ants
that are dreaming us.

212
00:10:42,158 --> 00:10:45,127
♪ Oh, master, oh, master

213
00:10:45,161 --> 00:10:48,578
♪ Don't lay blame on me

214
00:10:48,613 --> 00:10:50,373
♪ 'Twas the false nurse

215
00:10:50,408 --> 00:10:55,137
♪ And Lankin that
killed your lady ♪

216
00:10:55,171 --> 00:11:01,488
♪ Long Lankin was hanged
on a gibbet so high ♪

217
00:11:01,522 --> 00:11:08,253
♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪

218
00:11:08,288 --> 00:11:16,468
♪♪