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♪♪

2
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Announcer:
Our best minds have determined

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that the whole universe
is the dream of one ant.

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[ Gasps ]

5
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Huh?

6
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Huh?

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[ Panicked breathing ]

8
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Aah!

9
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A-Are you okay?

10
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I was just sleeping,

11
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and I heard
troubled breath.

12
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Nothing. Nothing.
I-I'm fine.

13
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I just...
had a nightmare.

14
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What are you
accusing me of?

15
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I-I didn't shove anything
all up in your ear.

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[ Drip! ]

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I never seen that thing
before in my life.

18
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I don't even know
what it is.

19
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Besides,
my thing would need

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one twice that size.

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What did you do to me?!

22
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[ Sobs ][ Snoring ]

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Stop this!
What d-- What did you do?

24
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Huh?
Get up!

25
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W-W-What's happening?

26
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W-Why are you
hitting me?

27
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What have you done to me
while I was sleeping?

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[ Panicked cries ]

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What did you do to me?

30
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I -- I didn't
do anything.

31
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I don't think I did.

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Did I do something to you?

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Oh, God!
What did I do?!

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What did you do to me?
You monster!

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I'm sorry.
I'm so confused.

36
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It's okay.
I forgive you.

37
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These things happen.

38
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Why are you
so good to me?

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Because you have such tight,
pretty ears.

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Not really.
You really wanna know?

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I've never shown
anyone this.

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[ Grunts ]

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♪♪

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It's huge.

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Thank you.
Thank you so much.

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[ Squealing ]

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[ Clicking ]

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♪♪

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Announcer: Then again,
toddler prodigy Trudy Glimmer

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was the greatest peekaboo player
the world had ever known.

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Trudy?

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W-Where's Trudy?
I just saw her.

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She was just here.
Where'd she go?

54
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Where'd she go?!

55
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Oh, God.
She was just here!

56
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Oh, my God! Trudy!

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Where'd you go?!

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Oh, my God.

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Oh, Trudy!
My baby!

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Where's my baby?!

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911!
Someone stole my baby!

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Oh, God! [ Sobs ]

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Someone stole my baby!

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Oh, God,
oh, God, oh God.

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Oh, God.
What's going on?

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Where's Trudy?
What happened?!

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Where is she?!
Aah!

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[ Shattering ]

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[ Sirens wail ]

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You get that bastard
that took her![ Giggling ]

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If he hurt a hair
on her head, I swear,

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I'm gonna rip
God's face off

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and -- and ram it
down his tip.

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I promise
I will find your daughter,

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even if I have to
kill her to do it.

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Announcer: Police rounded up
every pervert in the area,

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torturing them
for information,

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which, naturally,
the perverts loved.

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They undulated
orgasmically for more.

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The cops were all
too happy to oblige.

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Nipple twisting,
purple nurples, blue nurples,

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every nurple in the rainbow

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turned up
a steaming pile of zilch.

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The trauma of losing their child
tore the parents apart.

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Last year, I let your brothers
sandwich my business.

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Ah, yeah, so did I, Chachi.
So did I.

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Before long, a father
finds a suitable outlet

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to properly deal
with his grief.

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If I don't see my child again
soon, I'm gonna do this.

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Announcer: Some children
are just naturally talented.

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We'll never know why.

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Peekaboo!

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Trudy!
Oh, sweetie, where were you?

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Oh, my God, Trudy.

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Don't ever
disappear again.[ Giggles ]

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Trudy?!

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Trudy! Trudy!!

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[ Screams ]

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Peekaboo.

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Mama? Papa?

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[ Chicken clucking ]

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Announcer: We have long known
that chickens can live for years

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with their heads cut off.

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Recently, embedded Mideast
war reporters

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have been dosing with huge
infusions of chicken blood

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to frustrate
their terrorist beheaders.

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This is what western
infidels get!

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Is that all you got,
cha-cha?

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[ Laughs, yawns ]

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Shut up and die,
you infidel pig dog.

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Uh, correction --
chicken dog.

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Bawk-bawk.
[ Smooches ]

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You are making me angry.

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And you have schmutz
on your dress.

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Bonk! Gotcha!
Bawk-bawk, playa!

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Announcer: Innocent bystanders
were so amused,

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they took the act on the road.

118
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[ Laughter ]Why will you
not die already?

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Uh, why don't you
brush your teeth already?

120
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I'm warning you --

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keep it up and I'll stop
this holy war right now.

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Bawk-bawk, homey.
A-bawk-bawk.

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[ Slide whistle plays ]

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Mmm, check the hottie
in the front row.

125
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Hey, uh, missy,
you care for a three-way?

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Or at least a 2 1/4-way?

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[ Laughs ]

128
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Hey, I'm not severed
where it counts.

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Please die,
for the love of Allah.

130
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Tell you what, I'll die
if you answer one question.

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You have a deal.
Fire away.

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Why does your faith
glorify hate?

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[ Audience gasping ]

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You really want to know?

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For me, it's --
s-see, I never had a mother.

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[ Sniffles ][ Audience boos ]

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Wait, wait,
if you never had a mom,

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then how do you
exist at all?

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Jumpin' Jihad,
you're right.

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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Announcer:
At that precise moment,

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only one man was having
a worse day at work.

143
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Man: We are
so freaking disappointed

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in your output, Dwyer.

145
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Everyone else
in this department types

146
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at least 10,000
random numbers a day.

147
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Your average is 19.

148
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Sorry, sir.
It's just --

149
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I -- It's just --What's so hard
about it?

150
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Just type random numbers
as fast as you can.

151
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See? Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That's it. Easy peasy.

152
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Now you try. Go!

153
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Uh. Um...

154
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Let's see, uh...
Ooh...

155
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Uh...

156
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Um...
Just hit numbers!

157
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Faster. Faster!

158
00:06:45,784 --> 00:06:47,821
But I can never decide
which number to choose.

159
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Don't think about it.
Just type. It's random.

160
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I know, but I still
want it to be good.

161
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Well, it isn't good.

162
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And what's this?

163
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There's some type
of Goddamn hole

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in the back
of your head here.

165
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Whoa.

166
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Weird little critter
living in there.

167
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Hey, little guy.
What the hell, Dwyer?

168
00:07:06,287 --> 00:07:08,738
I wish you could
see this.
What is it?

169
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What is it?!
Come on, Dwyer,

170
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how the hell
am I supposed to know?

171
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Get your act together.

172
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Let me feed
this little thing for you.

173
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Damn thing was hungry.

174
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Maybe that's why
you're doing a sucky job.

175
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Did it eat?!

176
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What is it?

177
00:07:27,136 --> 00:07:28,482
Dagit!

178
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The damn thing's allergic
to peanuts or something.

179
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You're on thin ice
with this nonsense, Dwyer.

180
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,179
I'm sorry. Here, l-let me
help you wipe that up.

181
00:07:36,214 --> 00:07:39,976
Just get back to work.
And get that thing checked out.

182
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[ Faint growling ]

183
00:07:50,228 --> 00:07:52,472
[ Hisses ]What are you doing?

184
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:55,371
Just keep working, Dwyer.
I'm having a look.

185
00:07:55,405 --> 00:07:59,340
W-What the he--
What the hell is this thing?

186
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[ Squeaks ]

187
00:08:00,928 --> 00:08:06,347
Ah! What the heck-fire?Just keep working.

188
00:08:06,382 --> 00:08:08,315
Feisty little bastard.

189
00:08:08,349 --> 00:08:11,905
Oh, wait.
That'swhat's going on.

190
00:08:11,939 --> 00:08:14,494
Feisty little bitch,
I should say --

191
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protecting her eggs.

192
00:08:16,185 --> 00:08:18,359
Eggs?

193
00:08:18,394 --> 00:08:19,637
I'm a little scared.

194
00:08:19,671 --> 00:08:20,983
It's okay.

195
00:08:21,017 --> 00:08:23,088
She got the little things
hatching right now.

196
00:08:23,123 --> 00:08:25,090
What does it look like?Christ, Dwyer!

197
00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:28,818
Those things are loud.
Buddy, these are disruptive.

198
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[ Chirping and squeaking ]This is not
appropriate

199
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for a workspace
environment.

200
00:08:33,202 --> 00:08:35,825
I'm sorry. I could strap
a pillow to my head.

201
00:08:35,860 --> 00:08:38,000
Muffle it.I can't hear you,
Dwyer!

202
00:08:38,034 --> 00:08:39,346
It's too loud!

203
00:08:39,380 --> 00:08:40,934
Or could you fill
it with water

204
00:08:40,968 --> 00:08:42,383
and drown them?
Or piss?

205
00:08:42,418 --> 00:08:47,043
Sorry, Dwyer!
Look, we gotta let you go.

206
00:08:47,078 --> 00:08:50,668
You can fire me,
but one day I'll show you.

207
00:08:50,702 --> 00:08:52,670
I'll show you all.[ Gunfire ]

208
00:08:52,704 --> 00:08:55,465
Christ, Dwyer!
It's too loud.

209
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:59,539
[ Whimpering ]

210
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:02,852
Announcer: When he realized
that no one believed in him,

211
00:09:02,887 --> 00:09:06,407
Doug rushed home to see
if he was there.

212
00:09:08,306 --> 00:09:12,034
Dwyer: And the noble prize
for the Most Random Series

213
00:09:12,068 --> 00:09:15,727
of Numbers of All Time
goes to...

214
00:09:15,762 --> 00:09:18,627
Dougie Dwyer!

215
00:09:18,661 --> 00:09:21,906
[ Smooches ]

216
00:09:21,940 --> 00:09:24,046
Announcer: When he reflected
on his strengths,

217
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,393
Doug finally began
to love himself.

218
00:09:26,427 --> 00:09:29,292
And when a man
finds self-esteem,

219
00:09:29,327 --> 00:09:32,572
he can coax himself
to go all the way.

220
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:37,335
♪♪

221
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:42,443
It got so steamy,
even his vanity became aroused.

222
00:09:44,307 --> 00:09:47,587
And Doug got to experience
every man's fantasy --

223
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:50,141
a two-way with himself.

224
00:09:50,175 --> 00:09:52,730
Dwyer: You're killing me.
Killing me.

225
00:09:52,764 --> 00:09:56,975
Kill me. Kill me harder.
Kill me harder. Kill me deeper.

226
00:09:57,010 --> 00:10:01,462
Kill me harder. Kill me harder,
kill me deeper, kill me harder.

227
00:10:01,497 --> 00:10:05,915
Announcer: But alas, someone
always gets hurt in love.

228
00:10:05,950 --> 00:10:08,366
And when one raw-dogs it
with a mirror,

229
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:12,957
the fruit of your vain
comes home to roost...

230
00:10:12,991 --> 00:10:16,029
Push! Push!

231
00:10:16,063 --> 00:10:18,928
[ Baby cries ]

232
00:10:18,963 --> 00:10:22,863
Announcer: ...and our lives are
filled with meaning forever,

233
00:10:22,898 --> 00:10:25,763
as long as the screams
don't get so loud

234
00:10:25,797 --> 00:10:28,766
that they wake the ants
that are dreaming us.

235
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,837
[ Babies crying ]

236
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,878
[ Gasps ]

237
00:10:37,913 --> 00:10:42,124
[ Panting ]

238
00:10:42,158 --> 00:10:45,127
♪ Oh, master, oh, master

239
00:10:45,161 --> 00:10:48,578
♪ Don't lay blame on me

240
00:10:48,613 --> 00:10:50,373
♪ 'Twas the false nurse

241
00:10:50,408 --> 00:10:55,137
♪ And Lankin that
killed your lady ♪

242
00:10:55,171 --> 00:11:01,488
♪ Long Lankin was hanged
on a gibbet so high ♪

243
00:11:01,522 --> 00:11:08,253
♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪

244
00:11:08,288 --> 00:11:16,468
♪♪