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Announcer:
Of course, dreams can come true.

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♪♪

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♪♪

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And there's nothing
more desperately chipper

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than the escapist daydreams
of a man in bondage

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fantasizing he is another person
in another place.

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It is imperative
he divert his mind

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from the unthinkable
suffering...

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agony...

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...anguish.

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♪ La, la, la, la-la

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But the bibles teach that dreams
are lies and lies are sins...

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...that, thus, all imagined boys

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must collect penance
for their existence.

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Please don't
make me do this to me.

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Announcer: And that for those

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who have been dreamed
into being,

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the only escape
is to premember a happy moment

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that will happen
many lifetimes from now.

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[ Up-tempo music plays,
whip cracking ]

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Sorry for the wait,
Mr. Lawson.

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We got your results,
and I'd better be quick

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because you only have
about 34 seconds to live.

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So I was --
Excuse me?

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Did you say --
34 seconds.

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Starting...now!

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Are you saying
I'm gonna die?

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Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

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No, what you have is
much worse than death.

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It's sorta like...

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death squared.

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It's called "Consta-Death."

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Consta

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Oh, you've heard of it.Not really.

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Oh. Well, with Consta-Death,
you'll be dying once

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every few seconds
for the rest of your life.

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So I will be alive?Not exactly.

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The only treatment is
to pledge eternal devotion

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to my proprietary genetic hybrid
of Hinduism and cheese.

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It's medicinal
reincarnation therapy.

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I'm lactose intolerant.

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It doesn't matter. Just pledge
eternal devotion to it -- quick!

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Okay, okay! How?Sign here. Hurry!

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Chim, chim!
Chop-chop! Now!

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Uh...wow.

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Uh, uh...

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Well, your new faith
is up and running.

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How do you feel?It feels a little weird, but --

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It beats being white.

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Hey, hon.

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Hey. How was your day?The van needs oil.

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Oh, and the doc says I have
this thing called Consta-Death.

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Uh-huh. What are you
thinking for dinner?

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You know what sounds good,
is just a plate of birdseed.

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Actually, scratch that.

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I think I'll just have
some eucalyptus leaves.

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Or you know what?

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I'm really craving
a deer carcass tonight.

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Whoa, bear!
Hold your horses now.

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Hey, leave me out of this.

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You know
what I'm talking about?

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Bears don't eat deers, liar!

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What's going on here?

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I want to speak
to my real husband -- now!

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Where is he?!

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I don't
think I can bring him back.

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But I'll try.

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Hnnnnnnnnn!

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Honey!
Oh, I missed you.

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How have you been?

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I'm good, I'm good.
How have...

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Hnnnnnn!

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...you been lately?

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Oh, I'm pretty good.
And you?

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You know me -- same ol'...

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Hnnn!

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...same ol'.

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Oh,
and how about yourself?

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Hnnn!

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Though only together
3 seconds per year,

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the Lawsons were like
any other couple.

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Listen, we need
to have a difficult...

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Hnnn!

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...talk.

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I think that we should
start seeing other...

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Hnnn!

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...people.

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Y-You're breaking up
with me?

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Hnnn!

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Yes.
I met someone.

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How

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Would you like to meet her?

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I'll get her right now.

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Hnnn!

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You stay away from my man!

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Wait.
It's not what you think.

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I was just using your husband
to get to you.

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I need you to sign this --
quick!

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What?

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-No time to think.

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Sign now or die!

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Oh, Mary, my dearest.

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There you are.

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Why do you toy with me
like this?

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Announcer: Maintaining
long-term relationships

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can be difficult work.

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One way to keep the romance
alive in marriage

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is to unite against
a common enemy.

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Sam and Iris Beekoh found
that a shared disappointment

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in their son, Benny,
brought them closer together.

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So they vowed to stay ashamed
of the kid

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for the sake of the marriage.

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They struggled valiantly
to degrade

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and remain let down by him.

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Their love fed on his misery.

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And for every atom of agony
they caused the boy,

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they were rewarded
with 10 pounds of passion.

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The very face of his home
seemed to stare

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with a chilling indifference
to Benny.

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Or was it hitting on him

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For their fifth anniversary,

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Sam gave his wife
a special gift.

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Oh, Sam!

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You shouldn't have.

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In that moment,
Benny realized his pain

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had something important
to say.

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Something vital to our nation.

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Mama?

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Our sores
are sources of wisdom.

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Mama!

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Which won't be silenced
by any man.

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Mama! Mama!

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Benny told the wound he was
not technically its mother.

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But maternal instincts
kick hard,

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and he found himself
breastfeeding the little fellow.

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Pain's palate matures quickly.

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Baba wan chili.

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Gimmee chili.

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Chili!

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It is often
the neglected children

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who are most willing to go the
extra mile for their own young.

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Aah.

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Aah!

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Waaaah!

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Chili too hot!
Wow!

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Baba need wawa!

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Officer:
Chili police! Open up!

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You have 30 seconds,
or we'll do this!

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♪♪

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Mmm.

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Mmm.
Yummy cop in my tum-tum.

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Mmm!

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Announcer: Some claim
that cop meat is brain food.

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Ahh!

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Blimey,
that quite hit the spot, Eric.

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But my name is Benny.

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You can't fool me, Eric.

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You see,
I am no ordinary wound.

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For I am British.

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I think I'm going crazy.

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Nonsense. I would contend
that you are...

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going sane.

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Rawr!

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And now that you have
raised me proper,

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I hereby agree to be
your Spirit Guide.

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But I don't want
a spirit guide.

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Excellent! That is the first
step in your soul journey.

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Step 2 -- magic trick.

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Now, choose a number
between 1 and 13,

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but not 2 or 4.

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Now double it, add 16,

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multiply by 3,
and subtract half.

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Now, what was
your original number?

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I never chose a number.

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And this is just
as I have foreseen.

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So. Do you
feel maturated now?

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I guess.

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Announcer:
When their healing work is done,

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our wounds begin
to heal themselves.

180
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You've got to help me!

181
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I'm dying!

182
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No,
it's just you're healing.

183
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What do you think happens
to me when I'm all healed?

184
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I'm dead, gone!

185
00:09:20,663 --> 00:09:22,458
You've got to cut me.

186
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Please don't
make me do this to me.

187
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You want me to die?

188
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Are you a murderer?

189
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Cut me, murderer!

190
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Okay, okay.

191
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Aah!

192
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What the bloody hell
are you doing?!

193
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You told me to cut you.

194
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I did no such thing!

195
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This means
you'rethe one dying.

196
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You better sign
the contract quick.

197
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Free me.

198
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Announcer: At that moment,
Benny became a man in his pants.

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He knew what to do.

200
00:10:06,675 --> 00:10:07,848
He passed the test

201
00:10:07,883 --> 00:10:11,680
and found the love
his home had long withheld.

202
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Free me.

203
00:10:13,682 --> 00:10:16,098
Push. Push.

204
00:10:16,132 --> 00:10:18,376
Push! Push!

205
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:22,829
Push! Push! Push!!

206
00:10:22,863 --> 00:10:26,211
"You are the father
I never had"...

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00:10:26,246 --> 00:10:29,214
Benny thought to himself
about himself.

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00:10:29,249 --> 00:10:31,354
♪♪

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00:10:31,389 --> 00:10:33,322
And that is how one boy

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00:10:33,356 --> 00:10:37,740
discovered where wounds go
when they heal.

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♪ "Oh, Father, oh, Father

212
00:10:42,572 --> 00:10:44,678
♪ Don't lay the blame on me

213
00:10:44,713 --> 00:10:48,026
♪ 'Twas the false nurse
and Lankin ♪

214
00:10:48,061 --> 00:10:50,511
♪ That killed your lady"

215
00:10:50,546 --> 00:10:53,238
♪ So Lankin was hung

216
00:10:53,273 --> 00:10:55,793
♪ On the gibbet so high

217
00:10:55,827 --> 00:11:01,246
♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪

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00:11:01,281 --> 00:11:06,700
♪♪

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00:11:06,735 --> 00:11:12,223
♪♪