1
00:00:01,863 --> 00:00:05,867
Announcer:
Of course, dreams can come true.

2
00:00:05,902 --> 00:00:08,353
[ Ominous music plays ]

3
00:00:08,387 --> 00:00:14,428
♪♪

4
00:00:14,462 --> 00:00:17,051
[ Thunder crashing ]

5
00:00:17,086 --> 00:00:24,265
♪♪

6
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:27,027
And there's nothing
more desperately chipper

7
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:31,065
than the escapist daydreams
of a man in bondage

8
00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:35,690
fantasizing he is another person
in another place.

9
00:00:35,725 --> 00:00:37,382
[ Harp plays ]

10
00:00:37,416 --> 00:00:38,624
[ Up-tempo music plays ]

11
00:00:38,659 --> 00:00:41,386
It is imperative
he divert his mind

12
00:00:41,420 --> 00:00:44,078
from the unthinkable
suffering...[ Ding! ]

13
00:00:44,113 --> 00:00:45,390
agony...[ Ding! ]

14
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...anguish.[ Ding! ]

15
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♪ La, la, la, la-la

16
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But the bibles teach that dreams
are lies and lies are sins...

17
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[ Ding! ]

18
00:00:57,505 --> 00:00:59,921
...that, thus, all imagined boys

19
00:00:59,956 --> 00:01:03,132
must collect penance
for their existence.

20
00:01:03,166 --> 00:01:06,618
[ Thinking ] Please don't
make me do this to me.

21
00:01:06,652 --> 00:01:07,826
[ Ding! ]

22
00:01:07,860 --> 00:01:09,103
Announcer: And that for those

23
00:01:09,138 --> 00:01:11,657
who have been dreamed
into being,

24
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the only escape
is to premember a happy moment

25
00:01:15,661 --> 00:01:19,148
that will happen
many lifetimes from now.

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[ Harp plays ]

27
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[ Up-tempo music plays,
whip cracking ]

28
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Sorry for the wait,
Mr. Lawson.

29
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We got your results,
and I'd better be quick

30
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because you only have
about 34 seconds to live.

31
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So I was --
Excuse me?

32
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Did you say --
34 seconds.

33
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Starting...now!

34
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Are you saying
I'm gonna die?

35
00:01:38,546 --> 00:01:41,031
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

36
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No, what you have is
much worse than death.

37
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It's sorta like...

38
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death squared.

39
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It's called "Consta-Death."

40
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Consta-Death?

41
00:01:51,214 --> 00:01:53,320
Oh, you've heard of it.Not really.

42
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Oh. Well, with Consta-Death,
you'll be dying once

43
00:01:56,219 --> 00:01:58,497
every few seconds
for the rest of your life.

44
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So I will be alive?Not exactly.

45
00:02:01,293 --> 00:02:03,847
The only treatment is
to pledge eternal devotion

46
00:02:03,882 --> 00:02:08,507
to my proprietary genetic hybrid
of Hinduism and cheese.

47
00:02:08,542 --> 00:02:10,440
It's medicinal
reincarnation therapy.

48
00:02:10,475 --> 00:02:12,028
I'm lactose intolerant.

49
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It doesn't matter. Just pledge
eternal devotion to it -- quick!

50
00:02:14,203 --> 00:02:16,998
Okay, okay! How?Sign here. Hurry!

51
00:02:17,033 --> 00:02:19,725
Chim, chim!
Chop-chop! Now!

52
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,175
[ Buzzer ]

53
00:02:21,210 --> 00:02:22,383
[ Harp plays ]

54
00:02:22,418 --> 00:02:23,557
[ Ding! ]

55
00:02:23,591 --> 00:02:26,180
Uh...wow.

56
00:02:26,215 --> 00:02:27,906
Uh, uh...

57
00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:29,873
[ Buzzer, harp plays ]

58
00:02:29,908 --> 00:02:32,082
[ Ding! ]Well, your new faith
is up and running.

59
00:02:32,117 --> 00:02:34,740
How do you feel?It feels a little weird, but --

60
00:02:34,775 --> 00:02:37,226
[ Buzzer, harp plays ]

61
00:02:37,260 --> 00:02:38,330
[ Ding! ]

62
00:02:38,365 --> 00:02:39,745
It beats being white.

63
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[ Laughter ]

64
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[ Sproing! ]

65
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[ Applause ]

66
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[ Buzzer ]

67
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[ Ting! ]

68
00:02:46,856 --> 00:02:48,202
Hey, hon.

69
00:02:48,237 --> 00:02:50,929
Hey. How was your day?The van needs oil.

70
00:02:50,963 --> 00:02:54,726
Oh, and the doc says I have
this thing called Consta-Death.

71
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,037
[ Laughter, buzzer ]

72
00:02:56,072 --> 00:02:57,763
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

73
00:02:57,798 --> 00:02:59,213
Uh-huh. What are you
thinking for dinner?

74
00:02:59,248 --> 00:03:01,767
You know what sounds good,
is just a plate of birdseed.

75
00:03:01,802 --> 00:03:03,252
[ Laughter, buzzer ]

76
00:03:03,286 --> 00:03:04,391
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

77
00:03:04,425 --> 00:03:05,875
Actually, scratch that.

78
00:03:05,909 --> 00:03:07,911
I think I'll just have
some eucalyptus leaves.

79
00:03:07,946 --> 00:03:08,912
[ Laughter, buzzer ]

80
00:03:08,947 --> 00:03:10,362
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

81
00:03:10,397 --> 00:03:11,743
Or you know what?

82
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I'm really craving
a deer carcass tonight.

83
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[ Laughter, buzzer ]

84
00:03:14,470 --> 00:03:15,919
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

85
00:03:15,954 --> 00:03:18,508
Whoa, bear!
Hold your horses now.

86
00:03:18,543 --> 00:03:19,613
[ Laughter, buzzer ]

87
00:03:19,647 --> 00:03:20,786
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

88
00:03:20,821 --> 00:03:23,203
Hey, leave me out of this.

89
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You know
what I'm talking about?

90
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[ Tink! ]

91
00:03:26,965 --> 00:03:29,450
Bears don't eat deers, liar!

92
00:03:29,485 --> 00:03:30,969
What's going on here?

93
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I want to speak
to my real husband -- now!

94
00:03:34,490 --> 00:03:36,388
Where is he?!
[ Sobs ]

95
00:03:36,423 --> 00:03:38,701
[ Voice breaking ] I don't
think I can bring him back.

96
00:03:38,735 --> 00:03:39,805
[ Crying ][ Audience groans ]

97
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[ Buzzer ]

98
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[ Ding! ]

99
00:03:42,601 --> 00:03:43,740
[ Audience "awws" ]

100
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But I'll try.

101
00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:46,709
Hnnnnnnnnn![ Buzzer ]

102
00:03:46,743 --> 00:03:48,676
[ Ding! Ding! Ding! ]

103
00:03:51,507 --> 00:03:52,784
[ Buzzer ]

104
00:03:52,818 --> 00:03:53,888
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

105
00:03:53,923 --> 00:03:57,306
Honey!
Oh, I missed you.

106
00:03:57,340 --> 00:03:58,962
How have you been?

107
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I'm good, I'm good.
How have...

108
00:04:01,206 --> 00:04:02,311
[ Buzzer ]

109
00:04:02,345 --> 00:04:03,726
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

110
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:04,899
Hnnnnnn![ Buzzer ]

111
00:04:04,934 --> 00:04:07,868
[ Ding! Ding! Ding! ]

112
00:04:09,835 --> 00:04:10,836
[ Buzzer ]

113
00:04:10,871 --> 00:04:12,148
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

114
00:04:12,182 --> 00:04:13,632
[ Choir vocalizing ]...you been lately?

115
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Oh, I'm pretty good.
And you?

116
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[ Sighs ]
You know me -- same ol'...

117
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[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!

118
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[ Harp plays, ding! ]

119
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[ Buzzer, ding! ding! ding! ]

120
00:04:25,334 --> 00:04:26,404
[ Buzzer ]

121
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[ Harp plays, ding! ]

122
00:04:27,784 --> 00:04:29,130
...same ol'.

123
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Oh,
and how about yourself?

124
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[ Buzzer ]

125
00:04:31,650 --> 00:04:33,169
[ Harp plays, ding! ]Hnnn!

126
00:04:33,203 --> 00:04:36,172
Though only together
3 seconds per year,

127
00:04:36,206 --> 00:04:39,348
the Lawsons were like
any other couple.

128
00:04:39,382 --> 00:04:40,349
[ Buzzer ]

129
00:04:40,383 --> 00:04:41,419
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

130
00:04:41,453 --> 00:04:44,007
Listen, we need
to have a difficult...

131
00:04:44,042 --> 00:04:45,112
[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!

132
00:04:45,146 --> 00:04:46,147
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

133
00:04:46,182 --> 00:04:48,874
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]

134
00:04:48,909 --> 00:04:51,360
[ Buzzer ]

135
00:04:51,394 --> 00:04:52,637
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

136
00:04:52,671 --> 00:04:54,052
...talk.

137
00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:56,019
I think that we should
start seeing other...

138
00:04:56,054 --> 00:04:57,469
[ Buzzer ]Hnnn!

139
00:04:57,504 --> 00:04:58,712
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

140
00:04:58,746 --> 00:05:02,888
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]

141
00:05:02,923 --> 00:05:04,165
[ Buzzer ]

142
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,615
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

143
00:05:05,650 --> 00:05:07,617
...people.

144
00:05:07,652 --> 00:05:09,550
Y-You're breaking up
with me?

145
00:05:09,585 --> 00:05:10,551
[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!

146
00:05:10,586 --> 00:05:11,794
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

147
00:05:11,828 --> 00:05:14,935
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]

148
00:05:16,523 --> 00:05:17,558
[ Buzzer ]

149
00:05:17,593 --> 00:05:18,973
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

150
00:05:19,008 --> 00:05:21,838
Yes.
I met someone.

151
00:05:21,873 --> 00:05:23,840
How? Who is it?

152
00:05:23,875 --> 00:05:25,083
Would you like to meet her?

153
00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:26,222
I'll get her right now.

154
00:05:26,256 --> 00:05:27,465
Hnnn!
[ Buzzer ]

155
00:05:27,499 --> 00:05:28,328
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

156
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:32,573
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]

157
00:05:32,608 --> 00:05:34,057
You stay away from my man!

158
00:05:34,092 --> 00:05:35,990
Wait.
It's not what you think.

159
00:05:36,025 --> 00:05:38,648
I was just using your husband
to get to you.

160
00:05:38,683 --> 00:05:40,098
I need you to sign this --
quick!

161
00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:41,168
What?

162
00:05:41,202 --> 00:05:43,032
-What is this?
-No time to think.

163
00:05:43,066 --> 00:05:44,930
Sign now or die!

164
00:05:44,965 --> 00:05:46,173
[ Buzzer ]

165
00:05:46,207 --> 00:05:47,830
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

166
00:05:47,864 --> 00:05:49,590
Oh, Mary, my dearest.

167
00:05:49,625 --> 00:05:50,833
There you are.

168
00:05:50,867 --> 00:05:53,111
Why do you toy with me
like this?

169
00:05:53,145 --> 00:05:55,700
Announcer: Maintaining
long-term relationships

170
00:05:55,734 --> 00:05:57,598
can be difficult work.

171
00:05:57,633 --> 00:06:00,946
One way to keep the romance
alive in marriage

172
00:06:00,981 --> 00:06:04,605
is to unite against
a common enemy.

173
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:08,402
Sam and Iris Beekoh found
that a shared disappointment

174
00:06:08,437 --> 00:06:11,405
in their son, Benny,
brought them closer together.

175
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,857
So they vowed to stay ashamed
of the kid

176
00:06:14,891 --> 00:06:17,031
for the sake of the marriage.

177
00:06:17,066 --> 00:06:19,206
They struggled valiantly
to degrade

178
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,311
and remain let down by him.

179
00:06:21,346 --> 00:06:24,142
Their love fed on his misery.

180
00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:27,421
And for every atom of agony
they caused the boy,

181
00:06:27,456 --> 00:06:31,598
they were rewarded
with 10 pounds of passion.

182
00:06:31,632 --> 00:06:35,291
The very face of his home
seemed to stare

183
00:06:35,325 --> 00:06:37,466
with a chilling indifference
to Benny.

184
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:41,090
Or was it hitting on him?[ Tink! ]

185
00:06:41,918 --> 00:06:43,989
For their fifth anniversary,

186
00:06:44,024 --> 00:06:47,993
Sam gave his wife
a special gift.

187
00:06:48,028 --> 00:06:49,961
[ Gasps ]
Oh, Sam!

188
00:06:49,995 --> 00:06:52,308
You shouldn't have.

189
00:06:52,342 --> 00:06:55,242
In that moment,
Benny realized his pain

190
00:06:55,276 --> 00:06:58,141
had something important
to say.

191
00:06:58,176 --> 00:07:01,282
Something vital to our nation.

192
00:07:01,317 --> 00:07:02,318
Mama?

193
00:07:02,352 --> 00:07:05,321
Our sores
are sources of wisdom.

194
00:07:05,355 --> 00:07:06,495
Mama!

195
00:07:06,529 --> 00:07:09,429
Which won't be silenced
by any man.

196
00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:10,844
Mama! Mama!

197
00:07:10,878 --> 00:07:14,364
Benny told the wound he was
not technically its mother.

198
00:07:14,399 --> 00:07:16,643
But maternal instincts
kick hard,

199
00:07:16,677 --> 00:07:20,957
and he found himself
breastfeeding the little fellow.

200
00:07:20,992 --> 00:07:23,822
Pain's palate matures quickly.

201
00:07:23,857 --> 00:07:25,686
Baba wan chili.

202
00:07:25,721 --> 00:07:27,861
Gimmee chili.

203
00:07:27,895 --> 00:07:29,103
Chili!

204
00:07:29,138 --> 00:07:31,036
It is often
the neglected children

205
00:07:31,071 --> 00:07:36,386
who are most willing to go the
extra mile for their own young.

206
00:07:36,421 --> 00:07:37,491
[ Burps ] Aah.

207
00:07:37,526 --> 00:07:38,803
[ Panting ] Aah!

208
00:07:38,837 --> 00:07:40,701
Waaaah![ Siren wailing ]

209
00:07:40,736 --> 00:07:43,601
Chili too hot!
Wow!

210
00:07:43,635 --> 00:07:46,051
Baba need wawa!

211
00:07:46,086 --> 00:07:47,639
[ Gulping ]

212
00:07:47,674 --> 00:07:50,504
[ Pounding on door ]Officer:
Chili police! Open up!

213
00:07:50,539 --> 00:07:54,301
You have 30 seconds,
or we'll do this!

214
00:07:54,335 --> 00:07:55,820
[ Gun cocks]

215
00:07:55,854 --> 00:07:58,408
[ Machine-gun fire]

216
00:07:58,443 --> 00:07:59,409
♪♪

217
00:07:59,444 --> 00:08:02,240
Mmm.
[ Snorts, grunts ]

218
00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:03,897
Mmm.
Yummy cop in my tum-tum.

219
00:08:03,931 --> 00:08:05,415
Mmm!

220
00:08:05,450 --> 00:08:08,660
Announcer: Some claim
that cop meat is brain food.

221
00:08:08,695 --> 00:08:10,144
Ahh!

222
00:08:10,179 --> 00:08:12,630
[ British accent ] Blimey,
that quite hit the spot, Eric.

223
00:08:12,664 --> 00:08:14,977
But my name is Benny.

224
00:08:15,011 --> 00:08:16,426
You can't fool me, Eric.

225
00:08:16,461 --> 00:08:19,222
You see,
I am no ordinary wound.

226
00:08:19,257 --> 00:08:21,328
For I am British.

227
00:08:21,362 --> 00:08:24,089
I think I'm going crazy.

228
00:08:24,124 --> 00:08:27,437
Nonsense. I would contend
that you are...

229
00:08:27,472 --> 00:08:29,578
going sane.

230
00:08:29,612 --> 00:08:30,751
Rawr!

231
00:08:30,786 --> 00:08:32,546
[ Glass shatters, guitar plays ]

232
00:08:32,581 --> 00:08:34,928
And now that you have
raised me proper,

233
00:08:34,962 --> 00:08:38,069
I hereby agree to be
your Spirit Guide.

234
00:08:38,103 --> 00:08:39,691
But I don't want
a spirit guide.

235
00:08:39,726 --> 00:08:43,177
Excellent! That is the first
step in your soul journey.

236
00:08:43,212 --> 00:08:45,421
Step 2 -- magic trick.

237
00:08:45,455 --> 00:08:47,596
Now, choose a number
between 1 and 13,

238
00:08:47,630 --> 00:08:48,735
but not 2 or 4.

239
00:08:48,769 --> 00:08:50,081
Now double it, add 16,

240
00:08:50,115 --> 00:08:51,531
multiply by 3,
and subtract half.

241
00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,084
Now, what was
your original number?

242
00:08:53,118 --> 00:08:54,672
I never chose a number.

243
00:08:54,706 --> 00:08:58,296
And this is just
as I have foreseen.

244
00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:01,057
So. Do you
feel maturated now?

245
00:09:01,092 --> 00:09:02,369
I guess.

246
00:09:02,403 --> 00:09:04,302
Announcer:
When their healing work is done,

247
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,891
our wounds begin
to heal themselves.

248
00:09:06,925 --> 00:09:08,375
[ Straining ]

249
00:09:08,409 --> 00:09:10,584
[ Weakly ]
You've got to help me!

250
00:09:10,619 --> 00:09:12,586
I'm dying!

251
00:09:12,621 --> 00:09:14,381
No,
it's just you're healing.

252
00:09:14,415 --> 00:09:17,626
What do you think happens
to me when I'm all healed?

253
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:20,629
I'm dead, gone!

254
00:09:20,663 --> 00:09:22,458
You've got to cut me.

255
00:09:22,492 --> 00:09:25,910
[ Thinking ] Please don't
make me do this to me.

256
00:09:25,944 --> 00:09:27,705
You want me to die?

257
00:09:27,739 --> 00:09:29,707
Are you a murderer?

258
00:09:29,741 --> 00:09:31,122
Cut me, murderer!

259
00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:33,331
Okay, okay.

260
00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:34,401
Aah!

261
00:09:34,435 --> 00:09:36,886
What the bloody hell
are you doing?!

262
00:09:36,921 --> 00:09:38,992
You told me to cut you.

263
00:09:39,026 --> 00:09:41,304
I did no such thing![ Crying ]

264
00:09:41,339 --> 00:09:43,410
This means
you'rethe one dying.

265
00:09:43,444 --> 00:09:45,515
You better sign
the contract quick.

266
00:09:45,550 --> 00:09:47,448
[ Clock ticking ]

267
00:09:47,483 --> 00:09:50,106
Free me.

268
00:09:51,038 --> 00:09:55,664
Announcer: At that moment,
Benny became a man in his pants.

269
00:09:55,698 --> 00:09:58,528
He knew what to do.

270
00:09:58,563 --> 00:10:00,600
[ Screeches ]

271
00:10:02,878 --> 00:10:04,431
[ Buzzer ]

272
00:10:04,465 --> 00:10:05,363
[ Tink! ]

273
00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:06,640
[ Harp plays, ding! ]

274
00:10:06,675 --> 00:10:07,848
He passed the test

275
00:10:07,883 --> 00:10:11,680
and found the love
his home had long withheld.

276
00:10:11,714 --> 00:10:13,647
Free me.

277
00:10:13,682 --> 00:10:16,098
Push. Push.

278
00:10:16,132 --> 00:10:18,376
Push! Push!

279
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:22,829
Push! Push! Push!!

280
00:10:22,863 --> 00:10:26,211
"You are the father
I never had"...

281
00:10:26,246 --> 00:10:29,214
Benny thought to himself
about himself.

282
00:10:29,249 --> 00:10:31,354
♪♪

283
00:10:31,389 --> 00:10:33,322
And that is how one boy

284
00:10:33,356 --> 00:10:37,740
discovered where wounds go
when they heal.

285
00:10:39,362 --> 00:10:42,538
♪ "Oh, Father, oh, Father

286
00:10:42,572 --> 00:10:44,678
♪ Don't lay the blame on me

287
00:10:44,713 --> 00:10:48,026
♪ 'Twas the false nurse
and Lankin ♪

288
00:10:48,061 --> 00:10:50,511
♪ That killed your lady"

289
00:10:50,546 --> 00:10:53,238
♪ So Lankin was hung

290
00:10:53,273 --> 00:10:55,793
♪ On the gibbet so high

291
00:10:55,827 --> 00:11:01,246
♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪

292
00:11:01,281 --> 00:11:06,700
♪♪

293
00:11:06,735 --> 00:11:12,223
♪♪