Josh: We're live with the final event.
Candice the Crusher is gonna try and set the world record.
And go!
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
[ Grunting ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Slow-motion laughing ]
[ Slow-motion ] Go, Candice!
-[ Grunts ] -Ooh!
-Aah! -Whoa-oh!
Ugh!
[ Cracking, zap ]
[ Air whooshing ]
Wha-aaah!
Candice!
-Aaah! -Aaaaaaah!
What the hell are you guys -- Oh, crap!
What's happening?
[ All scream ]
Turn off the thermostat!
[ Grunts ]
[ All grunt ]
[ All groaning ]
Damn it, I just took a picture!
♪♪
Last time, I got to eat ice cream for dinner
so I wouldn't remember they were late.
But I do remember.
Yeah, my dad moved out when I was 4.
I remember that, too.
-Hey! -Hey!
Yay! Do I get ice cream again?!
Ha ha. What do you mean?
Play this right, and you'll get a waffle cone.
Emily, Joshua, I was so worried when you didn't show up.
Is everything okay?
You guys want to sit down, have a juice box?
We can't. We gotta --
Guys...
Never say, "I can't," always say, "I'll try."
[ Chuckles ] Let's sit.
I'll try.
Guys, I'm concerned that Candice
hasn't turned in her patch yet
for the family tree quilt project.
This empty space is where Candice's project would go.
I never heard about a quilt project.
Look, sorry, I know you're new here at Chamomile.
It's a tough school. Not every family is up to the task.
Candice's project needs to be done by tomorrow
so we can present it at the event in the morning.
Event? What event?
I sent you guys the class snap.
Okay, guys, remember the family heritage event is tomorrow,
and each student will present their patches to the class
and parents, so don't be late! [ Slurps ]
But if Candice isn't able to participate,
I'll be forced to give her an "A".
-Oh! -Oh!
Which stands for "Almost acceptable but not quite."
And I don't usually like being that harsh.
-Oh. -Oh.
You know what? We're gonna do the hell
out of that project.
Yeah! We're totally going to
kill it at the presentation.
Make those other kids' patches
look like S-H-I-T!
Total S-H-I-T!
Are you guys spelling "shit"?
Damn it! Those teachers are good!
So glad we can send her to that school.
O-M-G!
We get to take care of Candy Cane?!
A few quick questions before you go.
This is so not happening.
What? Why? We live together.
Can't you baby sit for one night?
Babysitting doesn't exactly gel with my plan to get off tonight.
And I -- Wait, get off from what?
You don't even have a job.
Come on, Alex.
Ohh! Orgasm?!
You're trying to have an orgasm tonight
and that's why you can't help
look after this beautiful, angelic child?!
Oh, my God! What's that?!
-Huh? -Huh?
[ Both grunt ] [ Tires screech ]
Bye!
♪♪
[ Gasps ] They got churros here?!
Josh, we didn't come all the way down
to the Fashion District to get churros.
Since I'm an expert haggler, I'll buy the fabric.
You just need to buy the thread.
Got it! This is for Candice!
Candice!
-Huh! -Huh!
Does anybody know where I can find thread?
Thread?
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Thread! Does anyone have any thread?
Oh, you're selling Nintendos? [ Bell ringing ]
[ Munching ] Have you guys seen thread?
[ Bird squawks ] [ Gasps ]
That's the coolest thing I've ever seen!
Yes, Señor, Pájaro Pals.
Where we make birds... look like you!
Lookin' good, Bird Josh.
[ Squawks, speaks Spanish ]
[ Chuckles ] Love you, too.
[ Grunts ]
My wallet! Hey, kid!
[ Breathing heavily ]
Bridgette: Where's Candice? She isn't in her room.
I don't know. She said she was gonna go grab dinner!
5-year-olds don't just grab dinner.
You have to order it on GrubHub for them.
Candice!
-Candice! -Candice!
Dinner! Is it okay if I hang out over here with you guys?
Sure, Candice. Let your landlord, Pearl,
take care of it for you.
Randy, set a plate!
Ma, I'm trying to focus! [ Grunts ]
This anniversary gift's never gonna look casually artful!
What's casually artful?
Well, it's like a thing
that doesn't seem like it takes a lot of work
but it kinda does and --
-Here's a heart. -Eureka.
Children are the future.
[ Sighs ] You're not gonna believe what happened.
Josh? Where have you been?
-My wallet got stolen! -What?
-Oh, my God, are you okay? -No! I'm not okay.
My freaking Togo's card was in that wallet.
I had nine punches on it!
Aw, they got the thread, too?
[ Inhales sharply ]
I never had time to get the thread.
It took me a lot longer than I thought to get that BJ.
What?! [ Bird squawks ]
BJ! Bird Josh.
Uh! Josh! You had one job!
Woman: The Fashion District is now closing.
Ah!
Consuelo, wait! I need that fabric!
[ Laughs evilly ]
Oof! Ah!
No!
Ugh!
We're never gonna make this quilt in time!
Maybe Bird Josh can help. Go on, find our car, boy!
[ Speaks Spanish ]
[ Squawks ]
Love you, too!
He's not coming back. That's not what he's saying.
What was that?
I don't think we're alone.
Hey, that's the kid who stole my wallet!
I worked hard for those Togo's stamps!
[ Grunts ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
Oh.
Whoa!
Ugh!
[ Breathing heavily ]
You know, you can't just take things that don't belong to y--
I mean, maybe you can?
I don't want any trouble!
[ British accent ] No, please, good sir. Scold us some more.
Oh, you guys are just kids? Wh-Where are your parents?
These are the only parents we got!
[ British accent ] Mind the world-class stitchwork, sir!
Grandad just got into an accident.
He got trampled by horses, he did!
Oh, my God.
So...you guys are really good at sewing?
Oh, Josh, you find that Togo's punch card?
-Mummy! -It's Mummy!
Yep, here she is!
Why are these adorable British street urchins
calling me Mummy?
They're gonna make the family quilt for us!
Josh, they stole your wallet. They're bad kids.
Please, miss, we're not bad kids.
My name is Calamari.
And these are my friends -- Walleye, Tilapia,
Troutface, and Scrode.
[ British accent ] It's pronounced "Scrawd"!
Can you really make a quilt for us?
Yes, we can!
And all we ask for in exchange
is some sweet, sweet parenting.
Ehhh?
♪ We're making a quilt for Candice ♪
♪ A family tree quilt for Candice ♪
♪ These orphans took us to this factory ♪
♪ Dangerous machines, so much to see ♪
♪ It kinda all smells like rat piss ♪
♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪
♪ Oh, my God, that kid just fell in a vat ♪
♪ Did anybody else notice that? ♪
♪ And I think that kid is hand-less ♪
♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪
♪ In a cave, a giant rat attacked us ♪
♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪
[ Whistling ]
Wait, this totally isn't a sweatshop, right?
Maybe?
♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪
[ Both gasp ]
All: Ta-da!
Whoa. Everyone's gonna see
that we're totally the best parents at that school!
Can we ask one thing before we give you the quilt?
-What? -Could you tuck us in?
Of course!
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
Sorry I spent all our money on zoot suits and churros.
Sorry I got too obsessed with bargaining.
I don't know if it's the moonlight through the smog
or the toxic fumes in this alley,
but you look so sexy when you're being a good parent.
Scrode likey. [ Giggles ]
-Hey, you. -Hey, you.
-Last night was so great. -Really great night.
Really, really great.
Aah!
[ All snoring ]
What happened to the British kids?
How'd they get so gross?
We're not gross,
and we're not kids, and we're not British!
-What have we done? -It's 8:00!
We've gotta get this quilt to Candice before school!
[ All groaning ] Mummy. Daddy.
-We're not your parents! -Of course you are.
That was the price for the quilt, remember?
Remember?
Together: Mummy. Daddy.
Run!
[ Both breathing heavily ]
Josh!
Get 'em!
-[ Gasps ] -[ Whistles ]
[ Both breathing heavily ]
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
-Aah! -Aah!
[ Squawking ]
Bird Josh, you came back!
[ Whistles ]
[ Screeches ]
[ Speaks Spanish ]
Bird Josh!
No!
Josh, get in the car!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Both breathing heavily ]
[ Sniffles ] He was a good bird.
He was a great bird.
[ Laughing ] [ Both scream ]
Sign me up for karate classes!
[ Tires screech ] Aah!
Let me know when the calendar comes out, boys!
All your sweet little asses.
Oh, my God! Is everything okay?
Well, everybody's fine,
and they managed to get Candice off to school,
but it certainly wasn't pretty.
Had to cut Alex out of the vent like he was a can of tuna.
[ Gasps ] Alex was stuck in the vent?!
Yeah, yeah, whatever. She said everybody's fine!
[ Engine starts, tires screech ]
Dumbass white people.
Hi!
I made my quilt patch all by myself!
-Oh. -Oh.
That's really great, Candice.
I'm so sorry guys. Thank you.
We learned a lot.
About Candice. About each other.
But mainly we learned we never want to have kids.
So glad we got divorced before that happened.
Gotta say, you get a solid "F" in my book.
[ Both gasp ]
Which stands for "Finally doing something right."
Most parents at this school
don't even let their kids do their own projects.
[ Both laugh nervously ]
Get rid of it!
♪♪
Aww!
This is so...
Boring.
Ugh. [ Laughing ]
Can we at least swim in the pool?
No. Look, don't ruin this for me.
I won thumb war fair and square,
so we're looking at open houses.
Oh, uh, I don't know where to throw this garbage.
Oh, wait -- shazam!
Just contemplating how overcrowded L.A. is...
in my two-acre backya-a-a-ard!
Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.
You don't even drink tea.
Yeah, because I can never find it.
If I had these tins, I would drink tea all day, son.
Husband. All day, husband!
[ Grunts ]
[ Sighs ]
♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪
♪ I'm in the living room ♪
♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪
♪ I'm in the living room ♪
Ha! Can I try?
See? Open houses aren't boring.
♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪
♪ I'm in the living room ♪
♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪
♪ I'm in the pool ♪
[ Laughing ]
No! Josh!
Jack-knife!
[ Screams ]
♪♪
Emily: I can't believe you got us
kicked out of that open house.
Hey, I said I was sorry.
Now can we do something we're all...
into?
No! Don't touch anything!
I'm this close to connecting Garfield to Jesus!
Are you drinking moonshine?
No! That's disgusting!
That's my urine. Uh...
we'll just go in through the kitchen.
Bridgette: Watch out! [ Grunts ]
Seriously? You had to do this in the kitchen?
Alex was taking up the whole living room.
Ugh. Get in here, Candice!
Your body is a paintbrush that your spirit inhabits.
[ Grunts ]
[ Singing ]
Look, honey, we have a drawer like the open house.
It won't slam!
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ]
[ Chuckles ] Look, Em -- chandelier!
I think I'm just gonna go for a walk, get some air.
You don't want to use your body like a paintbrush?
Nah, you guys do your thing, I'll go do my thing.
But we should do a thing together.
Is that thing cleaning up this overcrowded apartment?
Nah, there's gotta be something better.
Hmm. [ Gasps ]
Oh, my God. Wait.
I've always wanted to be a Family Bike family.
-[ Laughs ] -On your left!
Wha-- Wha --
[ Laughter ]
Where's your family, loser?
Ooh.
[ Gasps ] That's what we'll do together.
A family bike! Emily!
Huh?
She left 30 minutes ago.
[ Sighs ]
Never gonna be mine, never gonna be mine, never gonna be mine.
But there's no harm in looking.
♪♪
♪ Perfect house, perfect house ♪
♪ Perfect hous-- ♪
[ Grunts ] Oh, my God!
I am so sorry! No, no.
I couldn't agree with you more.
This is the ♪ perfect house ♪
Are you gonna put in an offer?
Me? Nah.
To save money, my family lives with a divorced couple,
so open houses are more of a guilty pleasure.
Me too. I just like to come check out
how the other half lives. [ Chuckles ]
Also, at home, my kids write on the walls with shit.
Uh...
Oh, is this your daughter?
Daughter? [ Chuckles ]
No. I'm --
Whoa! You're superstar Mona Arizona!
Yeah, my real name's Caitlin.
What brings you here, Mona?
Well, I'm an emancipated minor,
so I like to go to open houses
because they represent the normal life
I'll never know.
When you work as much as I do,
you start to fear that you'll look back
on these years and think,
"Where did my childhood go?"
Yeah, my triplets love you.
They sing your songs all the time.
Whoa! Triplets?
Yeah. They can't sing.
It's really bad.
Don't forget to check out the guest house.
A happy family like yours must have lots of visitors.
Oh, no, we're not -- Oh, come on, Mom.
Let's see where Grandma's gonna stay.
Um... No harm in looking.
Right...hon?
Actually, I need to get back to...
♪♪
You know what?
Sure thing, hon!
Wink!
Huhuhuhu.
♪ The feeling you get when you're not at home ♪
♪ But you're running around at someone else's home ♪
♪ No worries, no cares ♪
♪ 'Cause your real family's not there ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ No scheming, no cleaning, this world's in between ♪
♪ Yeah, no bull crap, no fights, just laughter ♪
♪ Every ni-i-ight ♪
♪ No wonder you escaped ♪
♪ To an open house ♪
♪ There are no worries in an open house ♪
♪ Reality's blurry in an open house ♪
♪ Why don't you stay a while? ♪
♪ Open house ♪
♪ No, you're not in denial ♪
♪ Open house ♪
Okay I've got my algebra homework,
my Spanish homework, my history homework...
Is there any subject you don't have homework for?
Haha!
Lunch.
[ Canned laughter ]
Hey, wait a minute.
Where is my lunch?
Mom didn't pack it.
Come to think of it, where is Mom?
You guys! [ Studio audience cheering ]
Do you... Do you guys hear that?
Oh, it's probably just the Cohens' bat mitzvah party
next door.
[ Canned laughter ]
Uh...
Uh, Mom, you look like you could use a glass of water.
I think you're right, Caitlin,
but I'm pretty sure your mom pronounces it --
"Pinot Grigio."
[ Studio audience whoops ]
Yeah. Water.
[ Doorbell rings ]
The Family Bike is here!
Sign here, please.
Hey, how'd you guys get here so fast?
I only ordered it like 20 minutes ago.
Says here you ordered it three days ago.
Three days?! Where the hell is Emily?
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, the orders for those Emily real dolls
are all backed up.
Got mine last week, though.
Lot of fun, lot of fun.
Isn't this song great?
No. No, it's not.
Guys, something is wrong in this house.
You know how I wanted a glass of water?
Well, look. Nothing.
So I think, "Hey, maybe the fridge.
Oh, but it's probably empty
like the rest of the house, Emily."
Nope.
It's packed with paintings of food.
Emily!
I had a glass of water an hour ago.
Why don't you let me try, huh?
[ Imitates water flowing ]
[ Gulping ]
Ah!
[ Canned laughter ]
It's not funny!
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Telephone rings ]
Hello? Josh: Emily!
Emily, where are you?!
Josh? Oh, my God!
I'm at the open house, but something's...
wrong here.
Emily?
[ Dial tone ]
[ Grunting ]
Emily!
Baby!
Emi...ly!
Come back!
Where's your family, loser?
[ Demonic laughter ]
What a beautiful day.
[ Doorbell rings ]
I'll get it!
[ Studio audience "boos" ]
Emily! There you are.
Hey, I'm Dave, Emily's husband.
What?
I'm Emily's husband.
Josh! Don't come in, don't close the door!
What the hell?
♪ O-O-O-Open House ♪
Try the window!
Let's check upstairs!
What's going on?
It's a set, Josh.
This whole thing -- it's a sitcom.
Well, how do we get out?
I don't know! [Bleep]
[ Studio audience gasps ]
Hon, I know you're upset,
but we can't say stuff like that here.
We'll lose our audience. -That's it!
Maybe if we do stuff you can't do on sitcoms
we can get out of here!
[Bleep] [Bleep]
[ Studio audience "boos" ]
[Bleep] What else can't you do on sitcoms?
I don't know.
How did any of this even happen?
And who is that guy that keeps calling you "hon"?
Um...that's --
Mom, why does this guy call Dad "that guy"?
And why does the girl call you "Mom"?
And why do I love this water?
Are you cheating on us with another family?
Um...well... I...
uh...
♪♪
[ Gasps ] The music. That's it.
We have to follow the format, not fight it.
I'm calling a family meeting.
[ Studio audience "Ohhs" ]
The truth is, I haven't been real with any of you.
Josh, I came here because sometimes I feel overwhelmed
by the chaos at the apartment.
I know we chose to have roommates
so we could afford a better school district for Candice,
but just once a week, I like to imagine life
with a little more peace and order.
Open houses give me the strength to deal
with the weird art projects, the exposed wires, and Alex.
There's something really wrong with that guy.
Dave, Caitlin, I can't be a part of your family anymore.
I'm sorry, but it's time for me to go back to my real home.
I understand.
But is it okay if I just stay here?
My triplets are a real pain in the tuchus.
[ Canned laughter, cheering ]
♪♪
[ Siren wails ]
I've never been so excited to leave an open house!
Let's go home.
-Michelle? -Dave!
Where you been?
There's something wrong with the kids.
They're making this weird noise, and they won't stop.
Uh... Dave!
You bastard! Don't you shut me out!
Don't you dare shut me out!
Ah, thank God.
Classic Dave!
Whataya gonna do with me?
[ Canned laughter ]
♪ Classic Dave ♪
[ Laughter ]
You were right. This is fun for the whole family.
-On your left! -Hey!
Nice family, loser.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, hey, I got you something.
Tins!
Now you can finally drink tea.
Thanks. Look out!
How do you stop this thing?
[ Canned laughter ]
Does anyone else hear that?
♪♪