1 00:00:04,708 --> 00:00:06,208 Josh: We're live with the final event. 2 00:00:06,291 --> 00:00:09,083 Candice the Crusher is gonna try and set the world record. 3 00:00:09,166 --> 00:00:11,083 And go! 4 00:00:11,166 --> 00:00:13,458 [ Breathing heavily ] 5 00:00:13,541 --> 00:00:14,708 [ Grunts ] 6 00:00:14,791 --> 00:00:18,833 ♪♪ 7 00:00:18,916 --> 00:00:20,000 [ Grunting ] 8 00:00:20,083 --> 00:00:22,375 [ Laughs ] 9 00:00:24,666 --> 00:00:27,375 [ Slow-motion laughing ] 10 00:00:27,458 --> 00:00:30,875 [ Slow-motion ] Go, Candice! 11 00:00:31,458 --> 00:00:33,541 -[ Grunts ] -Ooh! 12 00:00:33,625 --> 00:00:35,500 -Aah! -Whoa-oh! 13 00:00:35,583 --> 00:00:36,875 Ugh! 14 00:00:36,958 --> 00:00:38,541 [ Cracking, zap ] 15 00:00:38,625 --> 00:00:39,916 [ Air whooshing ] 16 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,583 Wha-aaah! 17 00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:42,708 Candice! 18 00:00:42,791 --> 00:00:45,291 -Aaah! -Aaaaaaah! 19 00:00:45,375 --> 00:00:48,583 What the hell are you guys -- Oh, crap! 20 00:00:48,666 --> 00:00:49,625 What's happening? 21 00:00:49,708 --> 00:00:50,958 [ All scream ] 22 00:00:51,041 --> 00:00:52,625 Turn off the thermostat! 23 00:00:54,416 --> 00:00:55,750 [ Grunts ] 24 00:00:57,666 --> 00:00:58,666 [ All grunt ] 25 00:00:58,750 --> 00:01:00,250 [ All groaning ] 26 00:01:01,375 --> 00:01:03,291 Damn it, I just took a picture! 27 00:01:03,375 --> 00:01:10,291 ♪♪ 28 00:01:10,375 --> 00:01:17,250 ♪♪ 29 00:01:17,333 --> 00:01:19,458 Last time, I got to eat ice cream for dinner 30 00:01:19,541 --> 00:01:21,458 so I wouldn't remember they were late. 31 00:01:21,541 --> 00:01:23,041 But I do remember. 32 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:25,458 Yeah, my dad moved out when I was 4. 33 00:01:25,541 --> 00:01:26,833 I remember that, too. 34 00:01:26,916 --> 00:01:27,833 -Hey! -Hey! 35 00:01:27,916 --> 00:01:29,958 Yay! Do I get ice cream again?! 36 00:01:30,041 --> 00:01:31,541 Ha ha. What do you mean? 37 00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,166 Play this right, and you'll get a waffle cone. 38 00:01:33,250 --> 00:01:36,541 Emily, Joshua, I was so worried when you didn't show up. 39 00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:37,833 Is everything okay? 40 00:01:37,916 --> 00:01:40,000 You guys want to sit down, have a juice box? 41 00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:41,125 We can't. We gotta -- 42 00:01:41,208 --> 00:01:42,416 Guys... 43 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:46,333 Never say, "I can't," always say, "I'll try." 44 00:01:46,416 --> 00:01:47,708 [ Chuckles ] Let's sit. 45 00:01:47,791 --> 00:01:49,000 I'll try. 46 00:01:49,083 --> 00:01:50,750 Guys, I'm concerned that Candice 47 00:01:50,833 --> 00:01:52,041 hasn't turned in her patch yet 48 00:01:52,125 --> 00:01:54,208 for the family tree quilt project. 49 00:01:54,291 --> 00:01:57,000 This empty space is where Candice's project would go. 50 00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:58,583 I never heard about a quilt project. 51 00:01:58,666 --> 00:02:01,166 Look, sorry, I know you're new here at Chamomile. 52 00:02:01,250 --> 00:02:04,083 It's a tough school. Not every family is up to the task. 53 00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:06,291 Candice's project needs to be done by tomorrow 54 00:02:06,375 --> 00:02:08,291 so we can present it at the event in the morning. 55 00:02:08,375 --> 00:02:09,708 Event? What event? 56 00:02:09,791 --> 00:02:11,500 I sent you guys the class snap. 57 00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:13,875 Okay, guys, remember the family heritage event is tomorrow, 58 00:02:13,958 --> 00:02:15,916 and each student will present their patches to the class 59 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,875 and parents, so don't be late! [ Slurps ] 60 00:02:17,958 --> 00:02:20,333 But if Candice isn't able to participate, 61 00:02:20,416 --> 00:02:21,875 I'll be forced to give her an "A". 62 00:02:21,958 --> 00:02:23,250 -Oh! -Oh! 63 00:02:23,333 --> 00:02:25,291 Which stands for "Almost acceptable but not quite." 64 00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:27,458 And I don't usually like being that harsh. 65 00:02:27,541 --> 00:02:28,708 -Oh. -Oh. 66 00:02:28,791 --> 00:02:30,708 You know what? We're gonna do the hell 67 00:02:30,791 --> 00:02:31,666 out of that project. 68 00:02:31,750 --> 00:02:33,375 Yeah! We're totally going to 69 00:02:33,458 --> 00:02:34,583 kill it at the presentation. 70 00:02:34,666 --> 00:02:36,000 Make those other kids' patches 71 00:02:36,083 --> 00:02:37,583 look like S-H-I-T! 72 00:02:37,666 --> 00:02:39,125 Total S-H-I-T! 73 00:02:39,208 --> 00:02:40,375 Are you guys spelling "shit"? 74 00:02:40,458 --> 00:02:41,708 Damn it! Those teachers are good! 75 00:02:41,791 --> 00:02:43,375 So glad we can send her to that school. 76 00:02:43,458 --> 00:02:45,416 O-M-G! 77 00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:48,291 We get to take care of Candy Cane?! 78 00:02:48,375 --> 00:02:50,416 A few quick questions before you go. 79 00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:52,583 This is so not happening. 80 00:02:52,666 --> 00:02:54,250 What? Why? We live together. 81 00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:55,916 Can't you baby sit for one night? 82 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,833 Babysitting doesn't exactly gel with my plan to get off tonight. 83 00:02:58,916 --> 00:03:01,333 And I -- Wait, get off from what? 84 00:03:01,416 --> 00:03:02,625 You don't even have a job. 85 00:03:02,708 --> 00:03:03,958 Come on, Alex. 86 00:03:04,041 --> 00:03:05,458 Ohh! Orgasm?! 87 00:03:05,541 --> 00:03:07,416 You're trying to have an orgasm tonight 88 00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:08,833 and that's why you can't help 89 00:03:08,916 --> 00:03:11,625 look after this beautiful, angelic child?! 90 00:03:11,708 --> 00:03:12,833 Oh, my God! What's that?! 91 00:03:12,916 --> 00:03:13,916 -Huh? -Huh? 92 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,541 [ Both grunt ] [ Tires screech ] 93 00:03:17,958 --> 00:03:19,208 Bye! 94 00:03:19,291 --> 00:03:24,416 ♪♪ 95 00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:29,500 ♪♪ 96 00:03:29,583 --> 00:03:31,958 [ Gasps ] They got churros here?! 97 00:03:32,041 --> 00:03:33,333 Josh, we didn't come all the way down 98 00:03:33,416 --> 00:03:35,166 to the Fashion District to get churros. 99 00:03:35,250 --> 00:03:37,625 Since I'm an expert haggler, I'll buy the fabric. 100 00:03:37,708 --> 00:03:39,000 You just need to buy the thread. 101 00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:40,458 Got it! This is for Candice! 102 00:03:40,541 --> 00:03:41,458 Candice! 103 00:03:41,541 --> 00:03:42,625 -Huh! -Huh! 104 00:03:42,708 --> 00:03:45,125 Does anybody know where I can find thread? 105 00:03:45,208 --> 00:03:46,125 Thread? 106 00:03:46,208 --> 00:03:47,333 [ Speaking Spanish ] 107 00:03:47,416 --> 00:03:50,125 Thread! Does anyone have any thread? 108 00:03:51,708 --> 00:03:54,166 Oh, you're selling Nintendos? [ Bell ringing ] 109 00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:02,791 [ Munching ] Have you guys seen thread? 110 00:04:02,875 --> 00:04:04,166 [ Bird squawks ] [ Gasps ] 111 00:04:04,250 --> 00:04:06,125 That's the coolest thing I've ever seen! 112 00:04:06,208 --> 00:04:07,958 Yes, Señor, Pájaro Pals. 113 00:04:08,041 --> 00:04:11,083 Where we make birds... look like you! 114 00:04:11,166 --> 00:04:12,458 Lookin' good, Bird Josh. 115 00:04:12,541 --> 00:04:14,666 [ Squawks, speaks Spanish ] 116 00:04:14,750 --> 00:04:16,333 [ Chuckles ] Love you, too. 117 00:04:16,416 --> 00:04:18,208 [ Grunts ] 118 00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:19,916 My wallet! Hey, kid! 119 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,375 [ Breathing heavily ] 120 00:04:21,458 --> 00:04:23,750 Bridgette: Where's Candice? She isn't in her room. 121 00:04:23,833 --> 00:04:25,708 I don't know. She said she was gonna go grab dinner! 122 00:04:25,791 --> 00:04:28,041 5-year-olds don't just grab dinner. 123 00:04:28,125 --> 00:04:30,541 You have to order it on GrubHub for them. 124 00:04:30,625 --> 00:04:31,666 Candice! 125 00:04:31,750 --> 00:04:33,500 -Candice! -Candice! 126 00:04:33,583 --> 00:04:34,958 -Candice! -Candice! 127 00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:38,083 Dinner! Is it okay if I hang out over here with you guys? 128 00:04:38,166 --> 00:04:40,333 Sure, Candice. Let your landlord, Pearl, 129 00:04:40,416 --> 00:04:41,541 take care of it for you. 130 00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:42,958 Randy, set a plate! 131 00:04:43,041 --> 00:04:45,458 Ma, I'm trying to focus! [ Grunts ] 132 00:04:45,541 --> 00:04:48,833 This anniversary gift's never gonna look casually artful! 133 00:04:48,916 --> 00:04:50,833 What's casually artful? 134 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,250 Well, it's like a thing 135 00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,625 that doesn't seem like it takes a lot of work 136 00:04:54,708 --> 00:04:56,791 but it kinda does and -- 137 00:04:56,875 --> 00:04:58,750 -Here's a heart. -Eureka. 138 00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:00,708 Children are the future. 139 00:05:00,791 --> 00:05:03,041 [ Sighs ] You're not gonna believe what happened. 140 00:05:03,125 --> 00:05:04,375 Josh? Where have you been? 141 00:05:04,458 --> 00:05:06,250 -My wallet got stolen! -What? 142 00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:08,500 -Oh, my God, are you okay? -No! I'm not okay. 143 00:05:08,583 --> 00:05:10,416 My freaking Togo's card was in that wallet. 144 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,458 I had nine punches on it! 145 00:05:11,541 --> 00:05:13,208 Aw, they got the thread, too? 146 00:05:13,291 --> 00:05:14,375 [ Inhales sharply ] 147 00:05:14,458 --> 00:05:16,041 I never had time to get the thread. 148 00:05:16,125 --> 00:05:18,250 It took me a lot longer than I thought to get that BJ. 149 00:05:18,333 --> 00:05:19,541 What?! [ Bird squawks ] 150 00:05:19,625 --> 00:05:21,125 BJ! Bird Josh. 151 00:05:21,208 --> 00:05:22,916 Uh! Josh! You had one job! 152 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,333 Woman: The Fashion District is now closing. 153 00:05:25,416 --> 00:05:26,500 Ah! 154 00:05:26,583 --> 00:05:29,000 Consuelo, wait! I need that fabric! 155 00:05:29,083 --> 00:05:30,291 [ Laughs evilly ] 156 00:05:30,375 --> 00:05:32,166 Oof! Ah! 157 00:05:34,416 --> 00:05:36,416 No! 158 00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:37,666 Ugh! 159 00:05:37,750 --> 00:05:39,875 We're never gonna make this quilt in time! 160 00:05:39,958 --> 00:05:43,333 Maybe Bird Josh can help. Go on, find our car, boy! 161 00:05:43,416 --> 00:05:44,583 [ Speaks Spanish ] 162 00:05:44,666 --> 00:05:45,791 [ Squawks ] 163 00:05:45,875 --> 00:05:47,166 Love you, too! 164 00:05:47,250 --> 00:05:49,750 He's not coming back. That's not what he's saying. 165 00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:51,583 What was that? 166 00:05:51,666 --> 00:05:53,250 I don't think we're alone. 167 00:05:53,333 --> 00:05:55,791 Hey, that's the kid who stole my wallet! 168 00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:58,916 I worked hard for those Togo's stamps! 169 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,875 [ Grunts ] 170 00:06:00,958 --> 00:06:03,708 [ Breathing heavily ] 171 00:06:03,791 --> 00:06:05,041 Oh. 172 00:06:05,125 --> 00:06:06,416 Whoa! 173 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:07,666 Ugh! 174 00:06:08,166 --> 00:06:09,750 [ Breathing heavily ] 175 00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:13,291 You know, you can't just take things that don't belong to y-- 176 00:06:13,375 --> 00:06:16,000 I mean, maybe you can? 177 00:06:16,083 --> 00:06:17,958 I don't want any trouble! 178 00:06:18,041 --> 00:06:20,916 [ British accent ] No, please, good sir. Scold us some more. 179 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,291 Oh, you guys are just kids? Wh-Where are your parents? 180 00:06:24,375 --> 00:06:27,333 These are the only parents we got! 181 00:06:28,875 --> 00:06:31,833 [ British accent ] Mind the world-class stitchwork, sir! 182 00:06:31,916 --> 00:06:33,875 Grandad just got into an accident. 183 00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:36,583 He got trampled by horses, he did! 184 00:06:36,666 --> 00:06:37,875 Oh, my God. 185 00:06:37,958 --> 00:06:41,375 So...you guys are really good at sewing? 186 00:06:41,458 --> 00:06:44,625 Oh, Josh, you find that Togo's punch card? 187 00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:45,750 -Mummy! -It's Mummy! 188 00:06:45,833 --> 00:06:47,750 Yep, here she is! 189 00:06:47,833 --> 00:06:50,208 Why are these adorable British street urchins 190 00:06:50,291 --> 00:06:51,458 calling me Mummy? 191 00:06:51,541 --> 00:06:53,083 They're gonna make the family quilt for us! 192 00:06:53,166 --> 00:06:55,625 Josh, they stole your wallet. They're bad kids. 193 00:06:55,708 --> 00:06:58,166 Please, miss, we're not bad kids. 194 00:06:58,250 --> 00:06:59,500 My name is Calamari. 195 00:06:59,583 --> 00:07:02,250 And these are my friends -- Walleye, Tilapia, 196 00:07:02,333 --> 00:07:03,750 Troutface, and Scrode. 197 00:07:03,833 --> 00:07:05,500 [ British accent ] It's pronounced "Scrawd"! 198 00:07:05,583 --> 00:07:07,458 Can you really make a quilt for us? 199 00:07:07,541 --> 00:07:08,791 Yes, we can! 200 00:07:08,875 --> 00:07:10,416 And all we ask for in exchange 201 00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:13,625 is some sweet, sweet parenting. 202 00:07:13,708 --> 00:07:15,166 Ehhh? 203 00:07:15,250 --> 00:07:17,791 ♪ We're making a quilt for Candice ♪ 204 00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:20,166 ♪ A family tree quilt for Candice ♪ 205 00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:22,666 ♪ These orphans took us to this factory ♪ 206 00:07:22,750 --> 00:07:25,000 ♪ Dangerous machines, so much to see ♪ 207 00:07:25,083 --> 00:07:27,166 ♪ It kinda all smells like rat piss ♪ 208 00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:30,000 ♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪ 209 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:32,291 ♪ Oh, my God, that kid just fell in a vat ♪ 210 00:07:32,375 --> 00:07:34,541 ♪ Did anybody else notice that? ♪ 211 00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,875 ♪ And I think that kid is hand-less ♪ 212 00:07:36,958 --> 00:07:39,541 ♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪ 213 00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,916 ♪ In a cave, a giant rat attacked us ♪ 214 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,833 ♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪ 215 00:07:44,916 --> 00:07:47,083 [ Whistling ] 216 00:07:49,625 --> 00:07:52,208 Wait, this totally isn't a sweatshop, right? 217 00:07:52,291 --> 00:07:53,416 Maybe? 218 00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:57,875 ♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪ 219 00:07:57,958 --> 00:07:59,041 [ Both gasp ] 220 00:07:59,125 --> 00:08:00,125 All: Ta-da! 221 00:08:00,208 --> 00:08:01,708 Whoa. Everyone's gonna see 222 00:08:01,791 --> 00:08:03,708 that we're totally the best parents at that school! 223 00:08:03,791 --> 00:08:07,041 Can we ask one thing before we give you the quilt? 224 00:08:07,125 --> 00:08:10,250 -What? -Could you tuck us in? 225 00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:11,708 Of course! 226 00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:18,125 ♪♪ 227 00:08:18,208 --> 00:08:19,500 [ Sighs ] 228 00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:21,916 Sorry I spent all our money on zoot suits and churros. 229 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,958 Sorry I got too obsessed with bargaining. 230 00:08:24,041 --> 00:08:25,916 I don't know if it's the moonlight through the smog 231 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,083 or the toxic fumes in this alley, 232 00:08:28,166 --> 00:08:31,666 but you look so sexy when you're being a good parent. 233 00:08:33,791 --> 00:08:37,041 Scrode likey. [ Giggles ] 234 00:08:38,625 --> 00:08:41,250 -Hey, you. -Hey, you. 235 00:08:41,333 --> 00:08:44,000 -Last night was so great. -Really great night. 236 00:08:44,083 --> 00:08:46,125 Really, really great. 237 00:08:46,208 --> 00:08:47,083 Aah! 238 00:08:47,166 --> 00:08:48,250 [ All snoring ] 239 00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:49,583 What happened to the British kids? 240 00:08:49,666 --> 00:08:51,083 How'd they get so gross? 241 00:08:51,166 --> 00:08:52,416 We're not gross, 242 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:56,666 and we're not kids, and we're not British! 243 00:08:56,750 --> 00:08:58,791 -What have we done? -It's 8:00! 244 00:08:58,875 --> 00:09:01,041 We've gotta get this quilt to Candice before school! 245 00:09:01,125 --> 00:09:03,958 [ All groaning ] Mummy. Daddy. 246 00:09:04,041 --> 00:09:06,958 -We're not your parents! -Of course you are. 247 00:09:07,041 --> 00:09:10,458 That was the price for the quilt, remember? 248 00:09:10,541 --> 00:09:12,833 Remember? 249 00:09:14,625 --> 00:09:15,791 Together: Mummy. Daddy. 250 00:09:15,875 --> 00:09:16,958 Run! 251 00:09:17,041 --> 00:09:18,041 [ Both breathing heavily ] 252 00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:19,541 Josh! 253 00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:21,291 Get 'em! 254 00:09:22,291 --> 00:09:24,208 -[ Gasps ] -[ Whistles ] 255 00:09:24,291 --> 00:09:25,833 [ Both breathing heavily ] 256 00:09:25,916 --> 00:09:27,333 [ Grunts ] 257 00:09:27,416 --> 00:09:28,791 ♪♪ 258 00:09:28,875 --> 00:09:30,250 -Aah! -Aah! 259 00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:32,166 [ Squawking ] 260 00:09:32,250 --> 00:09:33,666 Bird Josh, you came back! 261 00:09:33,750 --> 00:09:35,541 [ Whistles ] 262 00:09:35,625 --> 00:09:37,750 [ Screeches ] 263 00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:42,791 [ Speaks Spanish ] 264 00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:44,291 Bird Josh! 265 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,000 No! 266 00:09:48,958 --> 00:09:50,083 Josh, get in the car! 267 00:09:50,166 --> 00:09:52,750 [ Tires screech ] 268 00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,875 [ Both breathing heavily ] 269 00:09:56,333 --> 00:09:58,833 [ Sniffles ] He was a good bird. 270 00:09:58,916 --> 00:10:00,666 He was a great bird. 271 00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:01,875 [ Laughing ] [ Both scream ] 272 00:10:01,958 --> 00:10:04,250 Sign me up for karate classes! 273 00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:06,291 [ Tires screech ] Aah! 274 00:10:07,583 --> 00:10:10,125 Let me know when the calendar comes out, boys! 275 00:10:10,208 --> 00:10:12,125 All your sweet little asses. 276 00:10:12,208 --> 00:10:14,291 Oh, my God! Is everything okay? 277 00:10:14,375 --> 00:10:16,083 Well, everybody's fine, 278 00:10:16,166 --> 00:10:18,000 and they managed to get Candice off to school, 279 00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:20,250 but it certainly wasn't pretty. 280 00:10:20,333 --> 00:10:23,708 Had to cut Alex out of the vent like he was a can of tuna. 281 00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:25,333 [ Gasps ] Alex was stuck in the vent?! 282 00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,416 Yeah, yeah, whatever. She said everybody's fine! 283 00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,500 [ Engine starts, tires screech ] 284 00:10:29,583 --> 00:10:31,708 Dumbass white people. 285 00:10:33,083 --> 00:10:34,166 Hi! 286 00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:36,458 I made my quilt patch all by myself! 287 00:10:36,541 --> 00:10:37,416 -Oh. -Oh. 288 00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:38,708 That's really great, Candice. 289 00:10:38,791 --> 00:10:40,875 I'm so sorry guys. Thank you. 290 00:10:40,958 --> 00:10:42,083 We learned a lot. 291 00:10:42,166 --> 00:10:44,375 About Candice. About each other. 292 00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:46,333 But mainly we learned we never want to have kids. 293 00:10:46,416 --> 00:10:49,000 So glad we got divorced before that happened. 294 00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:51,583 Gotta say, you get a solid "F" in my book. 295 00:10:51,666 --> 00:10:53,041 [ Both gasp ] 296 00:10:53,125 --> 00:10:54,875 Which stands for "Finally doing something right." 297 00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:56,375 Most parents at this school 298 00:10:56,458 --> 00:10:57,875 don't even let their kids do their own projects. 299 00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,958 [ Both laugh nervously ] 300 00:11:00,041 --> 00:11:01,541 Get rid of it! 301 00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:14,875 ♪♪ 302 00:11:14,958 --> 00:11:24,000 ♪♪ 303 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:24,958 Aww! 304 00:11:25,041 --> 00:11:26,916 This is so... 305 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,041 Boring. 306 00:11:28,125 --> 00:11:29,125 Ugh. [ Laughing ] 307 00:11:29,208 --> 00:11:30,500 Can we at least swim in the pool? 308 00:11:30,583 --> 00:11:32,458 No. Look, don't ruin this for me. 309 00:11:32,541 --> 00:11:33,958 I won thumb war fair and square, 310 00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,500 so we're looking at open houses. 311 00:11:35,583 --> 00:11:38,583 Oh, uh, I don't know where to throw this garbage. 312 00:11:38,666 --> 00:11:40,791 Oh, wait -- shazam! 313 00:11:40,875 --> 00:11:43,541 Just contemplating how overcrowded L.A. is... 314 00:11:43,625 --> 00:11:47,750 in my two-acre backya-a-a-ard! 315 00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,166 Ah, yeah, that's the stuff. 316 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,458 You don't even drink tea. 317 00:11:50,541 --> 00:11:52,750 Yeah, because I can never find it. 318 00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:56,458 If I had these tins, I would drink tea all day, son. 319 00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:59,833 Husband. All day, husband! 320 00:11:59,916 --> 00:12:01,958 [ Grunts ] 321 00:12:02,041 --> 00:12:02,833 [ Sighs ] 322 00:12:02,916 --> 00:12:04,083 ♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪ 323 00:12:04,166 --> 00:12:05,458 ♪ I'm in the living room ♪ 324 00:12:05,541 --> 00:12:06,583 ♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪ 325 00:12:06,666 --> 00:12:07,875 ♪ I'm in the living room ♪ 326 00:12:07,958 --> 00:12:09,083 Ha! Can I try? 327 00:12:09,166 --> 00:12:11,125 See? Open houses aren't boring. 328 00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:12,208 ♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪ 329 00:12:12,291 --> 00:12:13,250 ♪ I'm in the living room ♪ 330 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,250 ♪ I'm in the kitchen ♪ 331 00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:15,541 ♪ I'm in the pool ♪ 332 00:12:15,625 --> 00:12:17,041 [ Laughing ] 333 00:12:17,125 --> 00:12:19,041 No! Josh! 334 00:12:19,125 --> 00:12:21,125 Jack-knife! 335 00:12:23,625 --> 00:12:24,791 [ Screams ] 336 00:12:24,875 --> 00:12:31,375 ♪♪ 337 00:12:31,458 --> 00:12:37,833 ♪♪ 338 00:12:37,916 --> 00:12:39,041 Emily: I can't believe you got us 339 00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:40,166 kicked out of that open house. 340 00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:41,625 Hey, I said I was sorry. 341 00:12:41,708 --> 00:12:43,000 Now can we do something we're all... 342 00:12:43,083 --> 00:12:44,166 into? 343 00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:45,583 No! Don't touch anything! 344 00:12:45,666 --> 00:12:49,291 I'm this close to connecting Garfield to Jesus! 345 00:12:49,375 --> 00:12:51,625 Are you drinking moonshine? 346 00:12:51,708 --> 00:12:53,500 No! That's disgusting! 347 00:12:53,583 --> 00:12:55,458 That's my urine. Uh... 348 00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:56,875 we'll just go in through the kitchen. 349 00:12:56,958 --> 00:12:59,041 Bridgette: Watch out! [ Grunts ] 350 00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:01,500 Seriously? You had to do this in the kitchen? 351 00:13:01,583 --> 00:13:03,500 Alex was taking up the whole living room. 352 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,291 Ugh. Get in here, Candice! 353 00:13:05,375 --> 00:13:09,375 Your body is a paintbrush that your spirit inhabits. 354 00:13:09,916 --> 00:13:11,791 [ Grunts ] 355 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,625 [ Singing ] 356 00:13:15,208 --> 00:13:17,291 Look, honey, we have a drawer like the open house. 357 00:13:17,375 --> 00:13:18,541 It won't slam! 358 00:13:18,625 --> 00:13:19,791 [ Grunts ] 359 00:13:19,875 --> 00:13:22,416 [ Groans ] 360 00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:25,708 [ Chuckles ] Look, Em -- chandelier! 361 00:13:25,791 --> 00:13:29,208 I think I'm just gonna go for a walk, get some air. 362 00:13:29,291 --> 00:13:32,000 You don't want to use your body like a paintbrush? 363 00:13:32,083 --> 00:13:34,916 Nah, you guys do your thing, I'll go do my thing. 364 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,541 But we should do a thing together. 365 00:13:36,625 --> 00:13:38,375 Is that thing cleaning up this overcrowded apartment? 366 00:13:38,458 --> 00:13:40,125 Nah, there's gotta be something better. 367 00:13:40,208 --> 00:13:41,708 Hmm. [ Gasps ] 368 00:13:41,791 --> 00:13:44,125 Oh, my God. Wait. 369 00:13:44,208 --> 00:13:47,625 I've always wanted to be a Family Bike family. 370 00:13:47,708 --> 00:13:49,208 -[ Laughs ] -On your left! 371 00:13:49,291 --> 00:13:51,333 Wha-- Wha -- 372 00:13:51,416 --> 00:13:52,583 [ Laughter ] 373 00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,083 Where's your family, loser? 374 00:13:55,166 --> 00:13:56,458 Ooh. 375 00:13:56,541 --> 00:13:57,750 [ Gasps ] That's what we'll do together. 376 00:13:57,833 --> 00:13:59,916 A family bike! Emily! 377 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:00,833 Huh? 378 00:14:00,916 --> 00:14:02,875 She left 30 minutes ago. 379 00:14:03,875 --> 00:14:05,333 [ Sighs ] 380 00:14:05,416 --> 00:14:11,125 Never gonna be mine, never gonna be mine, never gonna be mine. 381 00:14:11,208 --> 00:14:13,875 But there's no harm in looking. 382 00:14:13,958 --> 00:14:17,083 ♪♪ 383 00:14:17,166 --> 00:14:20,583 ♪ Perfect house, perfect house ♪ 384 00:14:20,666 --> 00:14:21,916 ♪ Perfect hous-- ♪ 385 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:22,916 [ Grunts ] Oh, my God! 386 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,208 I am so sorry! No, no. 387 00:14:25,291 --> 00:14:26,500 I couldn't agree with you more. 388 00:14:26,583 --> 00:14:29,333 This is the ♪ perfect house ♪ 389 00:14:29,416 --> 00:14:30,583 Are you gonna put in an offer? 390 00:14:30,666 --> 00:14:31,958 Me? Nah. 391 00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:33,750 To save money, my family lives with a divorced couple, 392 00:14:33,833 --> 00:14:36,125 so open houses are more of a guilty pleasure. 393 00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:38,291 Me too. I just like to come check out 394 00:14:38,375 --> 00:14:40,125 how the other half lives. [ Chuckles ] 395 00:14:40,208 --> 00:14:43,333 Also, at home, my kids write on the walls with shit. 396 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:44,458 Uh... 397 00:14:44,541 --> 00:14:45,541 Oh, is this your daughter? 398 00:14:45,625 --> 00:14:46,791 Daughter? [ Chuckles ] 399 00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:47,958 No. I'm -- 400 00:14:48,041 --> 00:14:50,458 Whoa! You're superstar Mona Arizona! 401 00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:52,333 Yeah, my real name's Caitlin. 402 00:14:52,416 --> 00:14:53,916 What brings you here, Mona? 403 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,958 Well, I'm an emancipated minor, 404 00:14:56,041 --> 00:14:57,625 so I like to go to open houses 405 00:14:57,708 --> 00:14:59,583 because they represent the normal life 406 00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:00,875 I'll never know. 407 00:15:00,958 --> 00:15:02,250 When you work as much as I do, 408 00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:03,791 you start to fear that you'll look back 409 00:15:03,875 --> 00:15:05,916 on these years and think, 410 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,583 "Where did my childhood go?" 411 00:15:07,666 --> 00:15:09,291 Yeah, my triplets love you. 412 00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:11,625 They sing your songs all the time. 413 00:15:11,708 --> 00:15:12,958 Whoa! Triplets? 414 00:15:13,041 --> 00:15:14,416 Yeah. They can't sing. 415 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,750 It's really bad. 416 00:15:15,833 --> 00:15:17,375 Don't forget to check out the guest house. 417 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:20,333 A happy family like yours must have lots of visitors. 418 00:15:20,416 --> 00:15:23,000 Oh, no, we're not -- Oh, come on, Mom. 419 00:15:23,083 --> 00:15:25,250 Let's see where Grandma's gonna stay. 420 00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:26,833 Um... No harm in looking. 421 00:15:26,916 --> 00:15:28,291 Right...hon? 422 00:15:28,375 --> 00:15:30,791 Actually, I need to get back to... 423 00:15:30,875 --> 00:15:33,583 ♪♪ 424 00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:34,583 You know what? 425 00:15:34,666 --> 00:15:36,166 Sure thing, hon! 426 00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:37,166 Wink! 427 00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:39,333 Huhuhuhu. 428 00:15:39,416 --> 00:15:41,833 ♪ The feeling you get when you're not at home ♪ 429 00:15:41,916 --> 00:15:45,166 ♪ But you're running around at someone else's home ♪ 430 00:15:45,250 --> 00:15:46,541 ♪ No worries, no cares ♪ 431 00:15:46,625 --> 00:15:49,333 ♪ 'Cause your real family's not there ♪ 432 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:50,833 ♪ Yeah ♪ 433 00:15:50,916 --> 00:15:53,333 ♪ No scheming, no cleaning, this world's in between ♪ 434 00:15:53,416 --> 00:15:55,833 ♪ Yeah, no bull crap, no fights, just laughter ♪ 435 00:15:55,916 --> 00:15:57,500 ♪ Every ni-i-ight ♪ 436 00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:59,458 ♪ No wonder you escaped ♪ 437 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,166 ♪ To an open house ♪ 438 00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:04,041 ♪ There are no worries in an open house ♪ 439 00:16:04,125 --> 00:16:07,041 ♪ Reality's blurry in an open house ♪ 440 00:16:07,125 --> 00:16:08,916 ♪ Why don't you stay a while? ♪ 441 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,000 ♪ Open house ♪ 442 00:16:10,083 --> 00:16:11,750 ♪ No, you're not in denial ♪ 443 00:16:11,833 --> 00:16:14,583 ♪ Open house ♪ 444 00:16:14,666 --> 00:16:16,833 Okay I've got my algebra homework, 445 00:16:16,916 --> 00:16:19,333 my Spanish homework, my history homework... 446 00:16:19,416 --> 00:16:22,708 Is there any subject you don't have homework for? 447 00:16:22,791 --> 00:16:23,875 Haha! 448 00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:25,041 Lunch. 449 00:16:25,125 --> 00:16:26,208 [ Canned laughter ] 450 00:16:26,291 --> 00:16:27,375 Hey, wait a minute. 451 00:16:27,458 --> 00:16:28,583 Where is my lunch? 452 00:16:28,666 --> 00:16:29,666 Mom didn't pack it. 453 00:16:29,750 --> 00:16:32,291 Come to think of it, where is Mom? 454 00:16:32,375 --> 00:16:34,083 You guys! [ Studio audience cheering ] 455 00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:36,291 Do you... Do you guys hear that? 456 00:16:36,375 --> 00:16:38,916 Oh, it's probably just the Cohens' bat mitzvah party 457 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:39,958 next door. 458 00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:41,458 [ Canned laughter ] 459 00:16:41,541 --> 00:16:43,250 Uh... 460 00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:46,375 Uh, Mom, you look like you could use a glass of water. 461 00:16:46,458 --> 00:16:47,750 I think you're right, Caitlin, 462 00:16:47,833 --> 00:16:50,083 but I'm pretty sure your mom pronounces it -- 463 00:16:50,166 --> 00:16:51,916 "Pinot Grigio." 464 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,250 [ Studio audience whoops ] 465 00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:55,291 Yeah. Water. 466 00:16:55,375 --> 00:16:56,333 [ Doorbell rings ] 467 00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:59,083 The Family Bike is here! 468 00:16:59,166 --> 00:17:01,500 Sign here, please. 469 00:17:01,583 --> 00:17:03,333 Hey, how'd you guys get here so fast? 470 00:17:03,416 --> 00:17:05,250 I only ordered it like 20 minutes ago. 471 00:17:05,333 --> 00:17:07,375 Says here you ordered it three days ago. 472 00:17:07,458 --> 00:17:10,041 Three days?! Where the hell is Emily? 473 00:17:10,125 --> 00:17:11,250 Oh, yeah. 474 00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:12,750 Sorry, the orders for those Emily real dolls 475 00:17:12,833 --> 00:17:13,916 are all backed up. 476 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,083 Got mine last week, though. 477 00:17:15,166 --> 00:17:17,708 Lot of fun, lot of fun. 478 00:17:20,166 --> 00:17:22,083 Isn't this song great? 479 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,541 No. No, it's not. 480 00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:26,041 Guys, something is wrong in this house. 481 00:17:26,125 --> 00:17:28,000 You know how I wanted a glass of water? 482 00:17:28,083 --> 00:17:31,041 Well, look. Nothing. 483 00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:33,416 So I think, "Hey, maybe the fridge. 484 00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:34,958 Oh, but it's probably empty 485 00:17:35,041 --> 00:17:36,958 like the rest of the house, Emily." 486 00:17:37,041 --> 00:17:38,125 Nope. 487 00:17:38,208 --> 00:17:39,291 It's packed with paintings of food. 488 00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:40,500 Emily! 489 00:17:40,583 --> 00:17:42,333 I had a glass of water an hour ago. 490 00:17:42,416 --> 00:17:45,041 Why don't you let me try, huh? 491 00:17:45,125 --> 00:17:50,125 [ Imitates water flowing ] 492 00:17:50,208 --> 00:17:53,708 [ Gulping ] 493 00:17:53,791 --> 00:17:55,166 Ah! 494 00:17:55,250 --> 00:17:57,291 [ Canned laughter ] 495 00:17:57,375 --> 00:17:59,291 It's not funny! 496 00:17:59,375 --> 00:18:02,875 [ Cellphone rings ] 497 00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:04,125 [ Telephone rings ] 498 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:05,583 Hello? Josh: Emily! 499 00:18:05,666 --> 00:18:06,583 Emily, where are you?! 500 00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:08,125 Josh? Oh, my God! 501 00:18:08,208 --> 00:18:11,208 I'm at the open house, but something's... 502 00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,458 wrong here. 503 00:18:13,541 --> 00:18:15,583 Emily? 504 00:18:15,666 --> 00:18:16,541 Emily? 505 00:18:16,625 --> 00:18:18,541 [ Dial tone ] 506 00:18:18,625 --> 00:18:23,416 [ Grunting ] 507 00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,833 Emily! 508 00:18:25,916 --> 00:18:27,666 Baby! 509 00:18:27,750 --> 00:18:30,041 Emi...ly! 510 00:18:30,125 --> 00:18:31,500 Come back! 511 00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:34,166 Where's your family, loser? 512 00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:37,041 [ Demonic laughter ] 513 00:18:37,125 --> 00:18:39,375 What a beautiful day. 514 00:18:39,458 --> 00:18:40,541 [ Doorbell rings ] 515 00:18:40,625 --> 00:18:42,291 I'll get it! 516 00:18:42,375 --> 00:18:44,583 [ Studio audience "boos" ] 517 00:18:44,666 --> 00:18:46,000 Emily! There you are. 518 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,458 Hey, I'm Dave, Emily's husband. 519 00:18:48,541 --> 00:18:49,500 What? 520 00:18:49,583 --> 00:18:51,791 I'm Emily's husband. 521 00:18:51,875 --> 00:18:54,791 Josh! Don't come in, don't close the door! 522 00:18:56,833 --> 00:18:58,875 What the hell? 523 00:19:00,208 --> 00:19:01,791 ♪ O-O-O-Open House ♪ 524 00:19:01,875 --> 00:19:04,166 Try the window! 525 00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:06,125 Let's check upstairs! 526 00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:11,000 What's going on? 527 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,208 It's a set, Josh. 528 00:19:12,291 --> 00:19:13,791 This whole thing -- it's a sitcom. 529 00:19:13,875 --> 00:19:14,958 Well, how do we get out? 530 00:19:15,041 --> 00:19:16,708 I don't know! [Bleep] 531 00:19:16,791 --> 00:19:19,500 [ Studio audience gasps ] 532 00:19:19,583 --> 00:19:21,500 Hon, I know you're upset, 533 00:19:21,583 --> 00:19:23,333 but we can't say stuff like that here. 534 00:19:23,416 --> 00:19:25,125 We'll lose our audience. -That's it! 535 00:19:25,208 --> 00:19:27,208 Maybe if we do stuff you can't do on sitcoms 536 00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,250 we can get out of here! 537 00:19:29,333 --> 00:19:30,583 [Bleep] [Bleep] 538 00:19:30,666 --> 00:19:32,583 [ Studio audience "boos" ] 539 00:19:32,666 --> 00:19:34,791 [Bleep] What else can't you do on sitcoms? 540 00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:35,875 I don't know. 541 00:19:35,958 --> 00:19:37,416 How did any of this even happen? 542 00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:40,166 And who is that guy that keeps calling you "hon"? 543 00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:41,416 Um...that's -- 544 00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:43,833 Mom, why does this guy call Dad "that guy"? 545 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:45,791 And why does the girl call you "Mom"? 546 00:19:45,875 --> 00:19:47,583 And why do I love this water? 547 00:19:47,666 --> 00:19:50,041 Are you cheating on us with another family? 548 00:19:50,125 --> 00:19:52,208 Um...well... I... 549 00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:53,416 uh... 550 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:59,208 ♪♪ 551 00:19:59,291 --> 00:20:01,541 [ Gasps ] The music. That's it. 552 00:20:01,625 --> 00:20:03,875 We have to follow the format, not fight it. 553 00:20:03,958 --> 00:20:07,166 I'm calling a family meeting. 554 00:20:07,250 --> 00:20:09,916 [ Studio audience "Ohhs" ] 555 00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:12,875 The truth is, I haven't been real with any of you. 556 00:20:12,958 --> 00:20:16,000 Josh, I came here because sometimes I feel overwhelmed 557 00:20:16,083 --> 00:20:17,791 by the chaos at the apartment. 558 00:20:17,875 --> 00:20:19,458 I know we chose to have roommates 559 00:20:19,541 --> 00:20:22,000 so we could afford a better school district for Candice, 560 00:20:22,083 --> 00:20:24,458 but just once a week, I like to imagine life 561 00:20:24,541 --> 00:20:26,125 with a little more peace and order. 562 00:20:26,208 --> 00:20:28,416 Open houses give me the strength to deal 563 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:33,125 with the weird art projects, the exposed wires, and Alex. 564 00:20:33,208 --> 00:20:35,250 There's something really wrong with that guy. 565 00:20:35,333 --> 00:20:39,250 Dave, Caitlin, I can't be a part of your family anymore. 566 00:20:39,333 --> 00:20:42,583 I'm sorry, but it's time for me to go back to my real home. 567 00:20:42,666 --> 00:20:43,625 I understand. 568 00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:46,291 But is it okay if I just stay here? 569 00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:49,875 My triplets are a real pain in the tuchus. 570 00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:52,458 [ Canned laughter, cheering ] 571 00:20:52,541 --> 00:20:59,875 ♪♪ 572 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,666 [ Siren wails ] 573 00:21:03,750 --> 00:21:07,583 I've never been so excited to leave an open house! 574 00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:08,541 Let's go home. 575 00:21:08,625 --> 00:21:10,583 -Michelle? -Dave! 576 00:21:10,666 --> 00:21:11,750 Where you been? 577 00:21:11,833 --> 00:21:13,458 There's something wrong with the kids. 578 00:21:13,541 --> 00:21:16,458 They're making this weird noise, and they won't stop. 579 00:21:16,541 --> 00:21:18,208 Uh... Dave! 580 00:21:18,291 --> 00:21:20,041 You bastard! Don't you shut me out! 581 00:21:20,125 --> 00:21:22,833 Don't you dare shut me out! 582 00:21:24,375 --> 00:21:25,666 Ah, thank God. 583 00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:26,791 Classic Dave! 584 00:21:26,875 --> 00:21:28,833 Whataya gonna do with me? 585 00:21:28,916 --> 00:21:30,458 [ Canned laughter ] 586 00:21:30,541 --> 00:21:34,250 ♪ Classic Dave ♪ 587 00:21:34,333 --> 00:21:36,625 [ Laughter ] 588 00:21:36,708 --> 00:21:39,708 You were right. This is fun for the whole family. 589 00:21:39,791 --> 00:21:42,208 -On your left! -Hey! 590 00:21:42,291 --> 00:21:44,041 Nice family, loser. 591 00:21:44,125 --> 00:21:45,333 [ Sighs ] 592 00:21:45,416 --> 00:21:48,875 Oh, hey, I got you something. 593 00:21:48,958 --> 00:21:49,916 Tins! 594 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,833 Now you can finally drink tea. 595 00:21:51,916 --> 00:21:54,375 Thanks. Look out! 596 00:21:54,458 --> 00:21:56,541 How do you stop this thing? 597 00:21:56,625 --> 00:21:57,625 [ Canned laughter ] 598 00:21:57,708 --> 00:22:00,125 Does anyone else hear that? 599 00:22:01,416 --> 00:22:13,541 ♪♪ 600 00:22:13,625 --> 00:22:25,750 ♪♪ 601 00:22:25,833 --> 00:22:38,041 ♪♪ 602 00:22:38,125 --> 00:22:50,416 ♪♪