♪♪
[ Horror movie music plays ]
[ Thunder cracks ]
♪♪
[ Urinating ]
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
Ohh. How did this happen?
You know how this happened!
All: Surpri-- Oh.
What are they doing?
We're just doing our taxes, sweetie!
Stupid taxes!
I mean, just because we have no money
and we live with a divorced couple in a cramped apartment,
we could squeeze in another kid, right?
I'd just get a second job and give up my dream.
There are plenty of video games in the world already.
Oh, my God, triplets! What if it's triplets?!
Em, chill out. Read a magazine.
[ Thunder cracks ] The Octomom! I will cut you!
Okay. Let's take a deep breath.
No matter what happens, we'll be fine.
Do you mean that? No.
[ Thunder cracks ]
Oh, thank God. Whoa. Whoa.
Okay. So...
We're not having a baby. No, no, no. No.
From now on, we're super careful.
Vasectomy party! Whoo!
[ All cheering ]
♪♪
You're cut off from planning any more parties.
Whoo! Super careful!
♪♪
Isn't Josh a little young to get his wang danged?
I would never let anyone touch my junk.
No one has so far.
Oh, I walked right into that burn.
I had a vasectomy last year
because I'm sick of this double standard
where women are expected to destroy their bodies
for birth control.
[ Chuckles ] I can't believe I'm meeting a single guy
in L.A. who isn't a total nutjob.
I also got it on account of the government's evil plan
to have us overpopulate the United States for tax revenue.
All I can say is that when we thought
we were having another baby, we freaked.
And Josh was so determined to be a responsible adult.
He's never like that. [ Chugging ]
How did Candice take it?
We sort of didn't tell her.
Ugh, what even is a vasectomy party,
and why can't I go to it?
Honey, no one would have a party for that.
Sweet vasectomy party, bro!
What is wrong with people?
Well, time to go.
Do you still feel good about it?
Totally.
We weighed all the pros and cons.
♪♪
Wow. I've never seen you this responsible before.
It's kind of sexy.
Responsible and sexy. It's the new me.
Let's do it.
I love our family.
I also love our family.
Yeah. Call me after.
Ahhhh, the Calabasas Urology Center.
Before the old vasectomy,
I'd make a lot of "deposits" here. Haha.
Maybe we shouldn't have the type of friendship
where you tell me everything.
It's very rare for a man of your age to be this sure,
but your wife probably made you, right?
No. It was my choice. Weird.
So, you're gonna be my surgeon?
No, the process is completely automated with AI.
Top-of-the-line robots from Boston!
Go, Sox!
There's no room for human error!
Now, imagine these grapes are your testes.
And this little guy over here is your vas deferens.
Well, at least vasectomies are reversible, right?
Haha! Not the way we do it.
Ooof. Ooof.
You know, we have a protocol
for nervous patients like you.
[ Carnival music plays ]
I can't believe Candice used to fit in these.
Did we just make the hastiest decision ever?
I always thought you'd have like seven babies.
And I'm not saying it 'cause you're "Mexican,"
but because I know you love being a mom.
You can say something about Japanese people if you want.
[ Laughs ] You under arrest for being racist!
Wait... you have the keys, right?
[ Laughs ]
[ Crying ]
This is officially the worst brunch I've ever been to.
Do you think I rushed into this?
Eh, no more than usual.
Ooh, talking sperm!
[ Irish accent ] So long, boys! Enjoy the ride.
Dr. Ferguson: Is a vasectomy right for you?
Who doesn't want to bring more bundles of joy into the world?
[ Baby crying ]
Did you know the average baby goes through
2,700 diapers a year?
With that money, you could've bought one of these.
[ Engine revs ]
♪♪
[ Snarls ]
Say goodbye to your sleep!
[ Both scream ]
Female voice: We're still in love.
Why are you ruining this?
Hey, put your hands up! [ Both laugh ]
Stop! It's only danger ahead!
Dr. Ferguson: And, you know, those little bundles of joy
eventually grow up.
Owww, stop it! I'm telling Dad!
Am I crazy, or do those kids look just like me?
I ate too much pizza.
[ Both retch ]
See? That's why I'm not having kids.
All kids get sick. You just clean it up.
♪ Have another son and your life is done ♪
♪ Have another daughter, put your finances underwater ♪
Pretty terrifying journey, right?
Now, how about your pubic area?
Do you want it shaved clean
or shaped into a little triangle?
Also, for an extra $50, I can make a custom design!
[ Chuckles nervously ] Uh...you know what?
I'm having second thoughts.
I -- I just want to call my wife one more time.
Damn it. Of course you can't get a good connection
at a vasectomy clinic.
I know Emily was into this whole thing,
but seeing a brother and sister together
made me think we're rushing into this decision.
What the...?
♪♪
Ahhhhh! Please don't murder us!
Huh? Huh?
[ Crying ] It's like her whole childhood
is in these boxes.
What if I'm not ready to tape up boxes?
What if I have more boxes to pack with other kids' clothes?
I gotta get to that clinic!
Is this gonna take much longer?
Lord, I'm pretty drunk,
so I don't know.
-Close the door! -You guys are real?
I can't believe you're not animatronic.
Your movements are just beyond. Thanks.
We actually moved to Los Angeles
to pursue a career in poppin' and lockin'.
But now we can't pop and lock
because Dr. Ferguson has us on an exclusive contract!
What did your parents say?
Our mom thought it would be good for our careers.
And we've never met our dad. He was just a sperm donor.
Sperm...donor?
I guess some parents aren't meant to raise kids.
Alex and Cameron: Especially because
of the government conspiracy
to overpopulate the planet.
Dr. Ferguson: Mr. Singleton?
I've got the crotch Novocain ready.
Quick! Hide!
I don't know what to do, man.
Something's telling me do not get a vasectomy!
My feelings about all this have changed, too...
now that I'm a father!
Wait. What do you mean you're a father?
Um...look at them!
It doesn't take Rizzoli and/or Isles to figure this out.
Dr. Ferguson: You better not be popping and/or locking in there!
Oh, no, uh...
Kids who can pop and lock are a dime a dozen
in L.A. Uh, M-Mr. Singleton!
The robots are ready for you!
Does he always talk to you like that?
Well, sometimes he shows us new pubic-hair designs.
Those are the tough days.
No more tough days for you! We're busting you outta here!
And I will be there for you!
From now on!
Whatever you need, just ask me!
Is he always like this?
I'm not sure what's happening with him right now.
I can't find the patient.
Oh. [ Breathing heavily ]
[ Gasping ] W-- I -- Oh, no.
[ Alarm blares ]
Josh! Huh? Excuse me?
I'm trying to find my husband.
Robot: [ Boston accent ] Never heard of the guy.
Get back in your car.
Ahhhh!
Come on.
Let's get this vasectomy party started.
♪♪
Hey!
[ Grunts ] Come on, let's get out of here!
Get back here, bro.
♪♪
Consider your family! Consider your future!
Consider Nomar for the hall of fame!
Consider this! [ Grunts ]
Whoa, that was awesome!
Josh? Emily!
What are you doing here?
I was looking through all of Candice's old clothes.
I'm not ready to commit to no more kids.
I feel the same way. But wait...
I thought you were really into me being responsible?
Us communicating like this is responsible.
We'll talk more about this later!
♪♪
Aah! Oh, my gosh. So, the robots enslaved you, too?
Yes! Well, I mean, I get to go home every night.
Were you at least gonna call the cops?
Hey, I was going to, all right?
Well, if being complicit is wrong,
then strike me down right now!
[ All gasp ]
Don't worry, kids. Dad's gonna protect you.
Wait, what? You're not our dad.
Our dad's a Republican senator from Florida.
So embarrassing.
I mean, if you don't believe us, check the database.
♪♪
Noooooooo!
♪♪
Enough pissing around. Time to make it final.
No reversies. No call-backs.
Wait! Over here!
♪♪
[ Screams ] No one hurts the children I briefly thought were my own!
Silence! You're getting this procedure, bro!
Sorry, robots.
We make our family decisions as a family!
[ Grunts ]
You are worse than Jeter.
Go, Sox!
[ Beeping ]
Dying sounds.
[ Laughter ]
You two are free to pop and lock
wherever you wish!
Ohh, I-I know I'm not your dad.
But you two have a bright future ahead of you.
If you ever need anything,
I live in a closet in Los Feliz.
♪♪
Hey, what do you say we celebrate
by doing our taxes later?
I've got some serious exemptions I'd like you to take.
I don't know what that means, but I'm in!
I'm sorry that you don't have any Dorpenbabies
running around out there.
Eh, I'm not worried about it.
I decided to reverse my vasectomy,
and I made a little deposit at Balls Fargo.
[ Chuckles ]
And I need another drink.
Oh, there will be Dorpenbabies in the future...
and they will be glorious.
♪♪
[ Sniffing, snarling ]
[ Yelping ]
[ Both grunting ]
Okay. What do all people love to do with their hands?
Masturbate! Damn, you took my answer.
[ Chuckles ]
I-I was gonna say clap.
This... is "Clap Like This."
[ Both laughing ]
It's so addictive! I can't not clap!
It's got everything --
GPS, remote screen sharing,
uh, clapping.
Ooh, yeah. I'm gonna getcha.
I'm gonna getcha!
Ha!
[ Bell tolls ]
Yes! [ Laughs ]
You suck! Yeah, maybe.
But you know what doesn't suck?
This game! This game!
So, this means you're buying my game?
Yes, we're buying your game.
Six figures! Buying it!
Seven. A thousand dollars?!
[ Scoffs ] No. A million dollars.
We only count the numbers on the left side of the decimal.
[ Laughs ]
[ All cheering ]
Shaky! Shaky! Shaky!
Yeah! Finally, some white guys are making it!
Yeah!
♪♪
Hey! Hey! Where's my rich family?
Daddy!
Congratulations, honey!
Thank you. I got sushi shaped like steak.
And I got steak shaped like sushi.
Let's throw them both away. We can do that now!
I bought some other stuff, too.
A new bike! Cool!
And I got myself something, too.
[ Heavy guitar strums ]
Oh! I just realized we can finally get our own house
all to ourselves.
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Rich guy answering the phone!
Dev! Mel! Whaddup?!
Bad news, bud.
We're not gonna be buying your game. What?!
Uh...hey, I'm gonna go take this call
in the bathroom for no reason.
[ Footsteps running, door slams ]
What do you mean you can't buy the game?
We told our boss, Richard, and he flipped out.
He told us we're just glorified assistants
who can't buy anything.
But you're not? You can buy my game, right?
No, we're just glorified assistants
who can't buy anything.
[ Both laughing ] Don't!
So much for rich family.
Uh, guys?
Everything okay?
No, it's not.
Uh...because...
Candice isn't riding on the pony I got her!
[ Horse whinnies ]
Whoa!! Yeah! [ Horse whinnies ]
Aah! Uh-oh.
♪♪
[ Glasses clink ] Happy birthday.
Thank you. I'm so glad you can afford this now.
Shopping, barrel-aged cocktails, and, oh!
You have to check out the bathroom.
They 3-D print your toilet.
Single use.
[ Glass shatters ] I'm gonna go throw up.
[ Cellphone rings ] Hey, Mom.
I can't believe my baby's 26.
Okay. Make it quick,
I've got a champagne vaginal steam at the spa in 20.
Well, your vagina might have to stay dry because...ta-da!
You're cut off!
I'm cut off?
We were all cut off when we turned 26, Bridge.
That's what pushed us to do well.
How will I buy stuff and the drink stuff and party...stuff?
Your grandma had a saying.
"Once the little bird is ready to fly,
it must get a job!"
Anyway, happy birthday, sweet pea!
So, long story short, Emily thinks we're millionaires,
and I need my job back
and as many shifts as you can give me.
I don't care. Sure. Okay.
Also, I've got a lot of credit-card debt now,
so if you've got any extra installations I could do --
Thanks, Ezra. I won't let you down.
It doesn't matter to me.
♪♪
And we're only interested in that 23 life.
We like to say, "If you're 23, you're fine with me.
If you're 24, just kill yourself."
I am so 23.
Hmm. I can feel that.
And that's why I want you to be the face of Forever 23.
[ Gasps ]
Wait, I'm just folding shirts?
What happened to being the "Face of 23"?
You are the face.
You're just the face in the back...
with the blinds closed... in darkness.
Just peel and fold the blouses off that wad of irregulars.
You can clock out at midnight. Bye!
Ugh.
♪♪
[ Straining ]
[ Groans ]
Curve the TV! I want it to look like IMAX.
But you ordered a flat screen.
Dad!
Hey! Plugboy! Do what my kid wants.
Yes, Mr. Hasselhoff.
That's "Bay Watch" money.
Cool.
[ Cellphone ringing ] Ramirez!
Josh, we just bought a V.I.P. pass to the aquarium,
and it's amazing!
-Hi, Candice! -Hi!
Oh, I thought we should celebrate,
so I got us reservations tomorrow at Napquinne.
Wasn't that just named
the most expensive restaurant in L.A.?
Emily: Yeah! They make the meal right in your mouth. Bye!
[ Groans ]
How was your first day at work, sunshine?
Terrible!
It was eight hours of folding!
Who works for eight hours?
Um, only everyone.
But, hey, now you can see how awesome it is
to be on a budget.
[ Groans ] Whatever, dude.
Emily and Josh are gonna go buy a castle and move out
and we're gonna be stuck here with shitty jobs
and a bucket of hummus.
Ezra, I need more shifts.
Josh, you finish all jobs so fast.
You set Plugger-Inner record.
You do such a good job, I do you favor.
You take few days off. No work for you.
Paid, right?
[ Chuckles ] I did not know you were stand-up comedian, too.
Good luck with Netflix special, huh?
[ Groans ]
Psst! Aah! Dante?
What're you -- If you want to make some extra cash,
I've got some off-the-books installations,
if you know what I mean.
What's the pay? Mid-to-low two figures.
I'll do it.
♪♪
[ Techno playing ]
Ah, cool.
Maybe someone's robbing the store,
and they can just murder me.
What the hell?
Is this an underground retail rave?
Hey! What's going --
Ohh! Huh?
Aah!
Oh, hey! You made it!
I'm Quinn, and this is my squad.
You're alive?
Better. We're forever 23.
Every night we come to life and party! [ All cheer ]
But you're man--
Before you ask, yes, we have sex,
yes, it's basically licking smooth plastic,
and, yes, it's amazing! Whoo!
[ All cheering ]
You'd think partying night after night forever would get old.
But when you're a mannequin,
it just gets richer and more meaningful.
I used to have that.
Life doesn't have to suck, Bridgette.
You could become one of us.
That sounds really awesome.
Oh, but... is it painful?
It's a very simple laser procedure.
♪♪
[ Whirring up ]
♪♪
[ Static hissing ] What the hell, guys?
That TV's busted again?
Don't worry about it. I'll call my guy Dante.
[ Exhales deeply ] Sorry I'm late.
Listen, Em, there's something I want to --
[ Gasps ] Josh!
He ordered a Napquinne!
Ahhh.
Ah.
Ohh!
[ Gargling ] I hear the napkin is to hide your face
so God can't judge you.
Uhhh. [ Cellphone buzzing ]
I have to go to the restroom.
Josh, wait! You can do that here!
H-Hey, I changed my mind.
I'm not gonna go through with it.
Mm... I don't think so.
We kind of need you around.
Why?
♪♪
Spare parts.
I call the feet!
What? You know I'm insecure about my feet.
Hey! Plugger-Inners!
I got your TVs!
Uh...ohh.
Josh! Get out of here!
♪♪
We're still waiting for my husband
to get back from the bathroom.
Daddy's not in the bathroom.
It says he's across the street.
Across the street?
Start it up, Janet!
[ Beeping, cranking ]
Nice try, Janet.
♪♪
[ Whirring up ]
Shit.
Emily! Josh! What the hell?
Excellent! The more the merrier!
[ All chanting "spare parts" ]
What were you doing here in the first place?
I -- I picked up a second job.
I don't get it. Why do you need a side job
when you just sold "Clap Like This"
for a bazillion dollars?
The deal fell through, and I didn't sell the game.
I've been doing extra installations
so that you and Candice wouldn't find out.
Josh, I don't care if you're a big success.
You're still a success to us.
[ Laughs ] Dad, this game is so fun.
I'm so excited to have those feet!
Oops. That always happens.
Always happens...
[ Whirring ] Candice!
Turn on "Clap Like This"! Screen share!
♪♪
Man: Ready?
What's that?
And...clap!
♪♪
Oh, this is so addictive!
Hey, I'm pretty good at this! Aah!
Stop it! Don't you see what they're doing?!
Even...I...can't... help...it!
♪♪
Aah! Stupid game!
The arm! Bridgette, over here!
♪♪
Pretty lights!
Aww.
[ Laughs ] Yeah!
Wait! You can't leave us like this!
Party's over. Good luck with your hangover.
Bitch.
Very...uncool!
[ Computer rings ]
Mom! Look -- my first paycheck.
Ah, Bridgette, I am so proud of --
Oh, my God. That's all you make?
Look out the window.
No, Mom, I'm good now.
[ Laughs ]
Ooh, Bridgette's on a budget!
I'll take half.
♪♪
[ Both grunting ]