♪♪
Ah! A surprising love
is about to bloom in your life.
This is so me and Ron.
Who? Ron!
I've been texting
and occasionally sexting him forever.
Tonight, we're finally meeting face-to-face.
Ron is the first guy I've met
since Alex who seems like he could be something.
You'd be surprised how hard it is to find someone
when you're divorced and living with your ex.
-It's not. -Not surprising at all.
You might as well be wearing a red flag.
So, as I was predicting...
Mmm! Look what Ron just sent.
Ooh, I'll sign for that. Business!
Since they're not paying attention, you want a reading?
Uh, no, thanks. I don't believe in that stuff.
You don't need to believe in psychics
to see that your marriage is like that salsa:
not so spicy.
[ Gasps ]
♪♪
How did you know that?
I say what I see...
In my mind!
[ Cackling, thunder crashing ]
Sorry!
These new thunder pants are louder
than I thought they would be.
[ Thunder crashing ]
♪♪
Look at you!
A hot date? What?
No, I'm just going to -- a funeral.
Eh, it's totally cool.
So you're not gonna lose your shit?
Oh, no. And ooh, hey,
if you need help getting laid at that funeral,
I'm a great wingman.
Like the theme song says --
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
Yeah, that's not where the claps go.
Ooh, you're looking real fine with that staple gun.
I got to finish my costume before we go
to the pumpkin patch tonight.
Can't have Candice be a genie without a lamp.
Come on, Josh. I'm trying to spice up our love life.
What? Why? We're spicy.
Not like we used to be.
We used to have sex a lot,
and you'd surprise me with stuff,
and I'd brag about it to my friends.
Do you still feel that spark?
I mean, yes, no.
Uh, what's the right answer?
♪♪
Ugh, another sexy night
making all of Candice's lunches for the week.
This mayo is getting more action than I am.
[ Buzzing ] Open your closet for a surprise?
Ah! Oh, sorry.
I was trying to be sexy, but I have no game.
The surprise is, we're reliving our first date tonight!
[ Gasps ] Our first date, really?
And that's why I think Best Picture might go to
"Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium."
Rar! Ah! Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I know things have gotten a little stale lately, so let's
kick it old-school, back to when things were the spiciest.
I love this idea!
Hi, I'm meeting someone.
Reservation under Ron, maybe Ronald 'cause he's classy.
Yes, party of three. Right this way.
Three? Bridgette!
Ron... Oh, wait. What?
Hi, I'm Joy!
Is this -- Is this a Halloween costume or...
I've heard so much about you,
but not because I've been eavesdropping.
That'd be creepy.
It's because we're sewn together.
No! I know.
We were young, dumb, and matching tattoos
weren't strong enough to express our love.
But you're broken up? Very.
We're actually getting unconjoined next month,
but I couldn't wait any longer to see you.
Look, I understand if you want to bail,
but after our very long conversations over text,
I don't know.
I feel connected to you.
Eh, and you did look past some of my baggage.
Come on. Give it a chance.
I'll put a tablecloth over her.
I'm just gonna run to the bathroom for a minute.
I'll be right back.
I'm a great wingman, wingman, wingman...
Five!
You're missing a great show.
He is busting out all the hits!
Did you really mean it when you said you'd be my wingman?
Uh, no doy.
I used to wing for Josh in high school.
I was amazing at it.
Funny story, actually...
[ Laughs ] Funny story. Okay.
I'm texting you the address.
It is a funny story, though.
Josh ends up turding in the pool.
And that's how I climbed Machu Picchu.
Wow. I can barely say Micha Picca.
Remember when we got to the top?
We 69ed so hard we passed out.
God, your laugh makes our knees weak.
Get over here!
Bridgette?
What are you doing here?
Oh, my gosh.
Ron, Joy,
this is Alex, my ex.
Hi, I'm Joy. Alex!
What am I looking at? Oh, that?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No big deal, Alex.
They got conjoined when they were together,
but now they are super apart. No!
I mean, why are you hiding that beautiful hair
under a tablecloth?
Oh, I like this one.
May I? Sure, as long as
you don't mind our connection over here.
Woman: And initial here.
And initial here acknowledging that you will shit your pants.
Perfect. Have fun... in Hell!
[ Cackling ]
Josh. Emily.
Josh! I'm right here, okay?
Don't be scared. See? We're okay.
No phones allowed!
Ah! Not sexy, not sexy!
[ Creaking ] [ Both screaming ]
Ah!
Okay. I'm done.
No spark is worth this.
I guess I can get a refund on that sex pillow.
What the hell?
Emily! Emily!
Mmm, your hands are so soft.
Thank you!
Almost as soft as the llama I met hiking Machu Picchu.
Again, I'm not so into hiking.
I feel like it's just hard walking.
Okay. Your favorite Viking erotica?
Both: "The Glistening Scabbard."
Yes! Yes!
You know what? Dinner's on me.
Emily!
Huh?
Josh?
Anybody?
[ Snarling ]
[ Bones cracking ]
[ Roaring ]
Ah!
[ Josh and Emily screaming ]
[ Creature roaring ]
Is that its neck or its butthole?
It's both!
♪♪
[ Echoing ] Josh?
[ Racing footsteps ]
You'll never find the right me.
Never! Never! Ah!
Woo!
Ooh, yeah. Woo!
Woo!
You never took me dancing.
I guess I just needed a little Joy
in my life to unlock the real me.
Ooh, yeah! Woo!
I'm so sorry.
Nature calls, and I'm not talking about Machu Picchu.
[ Laughs ] That'd be a first.
Don't go anywhere, my little birdie.
Feed me from your mouth to my mouth.
Chirp-a, chirp-a, chirp!
Okay. Your wingman job is done.
We can go. What? Why?
Because my date is sewn to his ex
and won't stop bragging about Macho Pecho.
Well, it sounds like he and Joy had a transformative experience.
If you like Joy so much,
why don't you just conjoin with her?
Yes, why don't I?
[ Soft music playing ]
Aw, this one looks nice.
Oh, this one will really show we're in love.
[ Both laugh ]
I can't believe you're letting him conjoin with you guys.
He barely knows the "Friends" theme song.
If she wants to sit middle seat in this flight called life,
then so be it.
Ooh, somebody is full.
Kiss me!
Mmm, more tongue, yeah.
Mmm, just look at this tum-tum.
Now, let's do other sex stuff.
When Joy and I used to have sex, we'd call it the panini press,
but we'd have to be conjoined to do that.
That's it! We're conjoining too!
What's that now? I'm sorry?
Josh!
Emily!
Give up now. It was better in the past anyway.
I'm not giving up!
And now Candice will be an orphan,
all because you lost your spark.
An orphan, what?
Don't you get it?
You died in the haunted house.
-We're... -...dead?
We can't be dead. No way!
It's true.
Remember that tree in the graveyard?
[ Zipping ]
No! It's not true!
Emily! Josh!
Don't move. I'll be right there.
Josh!
Ah!
Gah!
Unh!
Yah!
[ Glass breaking ]
When that demon was chasing me,
all I could think about was that I'd never see you again.
I thought I'd never see you again either.
I'm sorry we're dead.
I just wanted to reconnect with you.
Me too.
I may be physically dead, but you know what's not dead?
Oh, I know.
♪♪
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
[ Lights clunking on ]
You can stop making out now.
You're not really dead, and we've got to bring
in another couple to psychologically torture.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Hello? Please!
Ugh.
Oh, my-God-isn't-real, you're jealous.
Wha...? What, of who?
Oh, you can't stand to see me finally over you.
Just say it. Never!
Come on, Ron. We're getting sewn together.
Not if we do it first!
[ Groaning, grunting ]
Stop!
Bridgette, I can't attach myself to someone
who's clearly not detached from their ex.
I'm not detached?
You're literally sewn to your ex.
But we can cut ourselves apart.
You can't cut apart feelings.
Oh, great, now you say something interesting.
Alex, what we have is nice, but...
No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on. Come on. What?
It's not like I've already written a part of my memoir
where I described her teeth or anything.
You know what my teeth look like?
Of course I do.
They're all the pieces that make up your smile.
Mmm, aww.
Oh, I want that. Yeah...
And I want to masturbate alone.
[ Both grunting ]
♪♪
[ Bats screeching ] [ Screams ]
[ Grunts ]
Wha--
[ Grunting ]
Oowie.
♪♪
Jackpot!
[ Grunting ]
[ Growling ]
Professor, a little help!
Uh, yeah, just hang on. I gotta take this call.
What?!
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
[ Growls ]
Should have stayed dead, moldy bitch!
♪♪
Professor!
I'm sorry. Can you say that one more time?
[ Roars ]
[ Screams ]
Thanks a lot, Mom. You set off all the booby traps.
Yes, Mr. Salt, I'll e-mail the project managers right now.
Time for bed!
My mom won't play board games with me, either.
♪♪
[ Singsong voice ] Mom!
We never finished Grave Rollers from last night.
You know I love Grave Rollers, but I have to go to work.
Ugh! You're missing a lot of stuff 'cause of work.
Candice is right.
You have kind of been being a doormat for Mr. Salt.
Maybe I do say yes a lot, but I can't lose my job.
It gets us important stuff, like health insurance.
My job gets us important stuff, too.
[ Both laughing ]
More like 20% off Ethernet cables that no one uses.
Ah.
Look, I know I've been super busy with work lately,
so I came up with a plan.
You know how Food Corps has a P.R. nightmare
every couple weeks?
Mr. Salt: "Condom Found in Woman's Can"?
What, are we supposed to inspect every can now?
Okay, we need a crazy publicity stunt to distract everyone.
Go! We could sponsor a garden at my daughter's school.
Wait, wait. I have an idea.
What if we sponsor a garden at my assistant's kid's school?
So you're coming to my school today to garden with us?
-Yep! -Yay!
I could come help with the garden, too.
No, no, I don't want to interrupt your day.
You're on call, and that's important.
Ready for a day of skipping rocks, bro?
Welcome, everyone.
Our little garden is turning into
a big Food Corps community garden project,
all thanks to Candice's mom.
Jerry Plembladd, L.A. Weekly.
Is this community event
merely an attempt to divert attention away
from the used condom that was found --
Okay, it was not used. It's not just the garden.
We're gonna have a fancy celebration dinner,
and you're all invited.
And it's all gonna happen tonight, right, Emily?
Yes, Mr. Salt.
[ Recorders playing ] You won't find any condoms here.
[ School bell rings ]
Okay, class. Line up for Yoga Snack Time.
Wait, I thought the children would help me garden.
And the whole point was to spend more time with Can-- them.
Oh, honey, the school doesn't have the legal team for that.
Instead, we nurture their inner emotional garden.
Okay, Mommy's going to work on the garden for your class,
but later, it's just you, me, and Grave Rollers!
Hmm. I'm not holding my breath, which is really fun to do.
♪♪
Huh! Waahh!
Your rock-throwing seems off today.
You okay, bro?
Do you think I'm useless, Randy?
Emily's job gets us health insurance and stuff,
and mine doesn't get us anything.
You gotta think of yourself like a rock.
You spend most of your life not doing much.
But when you do...
...it's beautiful.
[ Birds screech ]
[ Grunting ]
♪♪
Oh, man!
Why did I fill this with assorted nuts?
Snailathan Gold: Don't stop now. You were doing such a good job.
Huh? [ Gasps ]
[ Slurping ]
Aah! Creepy giant snail!
Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you.
I just make that noise sometimes when I'm hungry.
Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up.
There's no way I can finish this garden.
Perhaps I can be of service.
You need more time, and I've got a magic hat.
What is that, an expression?
No, no, I've literally got a magic hat
that can slow down time.
What if I made you a deal?
I'll let you use the hat to work the garden,
and in return, you give me a free pass to...
nibble on the vegetation.
[ Sneezes ] Okay.
Go ahead, try using it on the garden.
♪♪
Wow! What a time saver!
[ Cellphone rings ]
Hello, Mr. Salt.
Mr. Salt: Emily, I need you
to pick up the mini tuxes from the rental place
and have them on my desk ASAP. Mini tuxes?
Mr. Salt, the dinner's in an hour.
I know. That's why when you're done with that,
you can stop by Javier's Dance Studio
to learn the choreography to teach the children.
Ooh, the press is gonna eat this up.
Okay. I'll handle it.
Knock, knock!
On my way home, I passed the Domingo's truck,
and I brought you some carnitas tacos.
[ Sniffs ] Oh, the aroma alone conveys the sensation
of slithering down the streets of Cuernavaca,
and I've not even been there.
♪♪
So, anyway, some work stuff came up,
and I was wondering if I could borrow that hat again?
Unfortunately, the hat's only for the garden.
Come on. No!
It's not my fault you put too many ingredients
in your parenting paella.
[ Gasps ] What's that supposed to mean?!
It means you're a shit parent.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's time for a little post-taco siesta.
[ Yawns ]
Don't tell me how to be a working mom.
♪ I've got too much ♪
♪ Time on my hands ♪
♪ It's hard to believe such a calamity ♪
♪ I've got too much ♪
♪ Time on my hands ♪
♪ And it's ticking away ♪
♪ Ticking away from me ♪
Mr. Salt: Wow. I gotta hand it to you, Ramirez.
You really took care of everything.
Thanks, Mr. Salt.
It was nothing.
Oh, don't be modest.
I can tell that it was really stressful,
judging by those massive crow's feet.
Crow's feet? I didn't have these this morning.
Don't be embarrassed. Let them ca-caw loud and proud!
♪♪
Uh...
[ Slurping ] [ Gasps ]
Aah!
♪♪
[ Gasps ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ] Huh?
[ Candice screams ]
Candice! Are you okay?
He scared me.
Well, well, well.
Looks like someone couldn't get enough of the hat.
And look at you, aging rapidly with every disgusting tip of it.
[ Gasps ]
I warned you of the consequences,
and yet you still chose to break our deal.
Consequences? You didn't say anything about that.
Perhaps I was talking too fast for you.
I'll let you use the hat to work the garden,
and in return, you give me a free pass to...
nibble on the vegetation.
[ Sneezes ]
Any use of the hat outside the garden
will result in rapid aging,
acquisition of child, and may cause anal leakage.
I, myself, can vouch for that.
I would have never agreed to that.
-But you already did! -Aah!
-[ Gasps ] -Mommy!
-[ Gasps ] -What's happening?!
Mommy's too busy to care now.
But we're going to have some fun together.
Maybe go see a movie, maybe play some board games,
or use these chubby little legs of yours to run to Chinatown
so I can finally savor some pork dumplings!
Run for me, my tiny beauty!
-Run! -No!
I can't feel my body!
[ Panting ]
I got you. [ Gasps ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Gasps ] A call.
Josh, I know this sounds crazy,
but I used a magic hat way too many times,
and I'm in way over my head at the dinner,
and I need your help.
I'll be right there!
Now be the rock, Josh!
Be the rock that your family can depend on!
Let's see how you fight when you're an insecure teenager!
Aah! My T-zone!
Ooh!
Huh?
Oh! Candice!
♪♪
-[ Groans ] -Mommy!
[ Voice deepening ] Get this asshole!
Oh. They grow up so fast, don't they?
No!
It's too late for you! Bah!
Never!
♪♪
[ Both screaming ]
Oh.
[ Grunting ]
Emily! What the hell?!
Josh, help!
Uh, uh...
[ Both grunting ]
♪♪
Be the rock-ock-ock.
Sorry, I'm not great at echoes.
Hyah!
♪♪
[ Grunting ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Chuckles ] Don't you see?
You need me to keep all this going.
Oh, yeah?
Escargot to hell.
Yah!
Aah!
-Are you okay? -[ Coughs ]
[ Hoarsely ] No.
[ Engine starts, revs ]
Mediocre table service, giant snail fight,
and a wormhole to another dimension?!
Now that is how you distract everyone
from a condom in a can of lima beans.
Great work, Emily.
And, by the way, I'm gonna need you to come in
at 6:00 tomorrow, Emily.
The children's tuxedos won't return themselves.
Yes, Mr. Salt.
Actually, no. I can't be in that early.
I'm gonna play Grave Rollers with my child.
Oh. Okay.
Just come in at 6:45.
All: Nice!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Both grunting ]