♪♪
Who's ready to see Caltech, the most exclusive of the techs?
All: Gooo Beavers!
[ Squeaking ]
Thanks again for asking your sister to show us her lab.
I know you two aren't close. It's fine!
I mean, yes, my sister's a prodigy
who's upstaged me since birth, but whatever.
♪♪
Olivia got first place at the science fair.
[ Scoffs ]
Very good, Bridgette.
But look what Olivia painted.
[ Groans ]
[ Panting ] [ Machine beeping ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Baby crying ]
How come you didn't come out that fast?
[ Sighs ]
Duh, the birth canal's way bigger the second time.
Obviously.
Hey, sis.
Can't believe you actually made it.
Hello, everyone!
Hi, Mrs. Hashima!
And thanks so much for having us, Olivia.
She's Doctor Olivia now.
Ugh. She's not a real doctor.
She just stayed in school too long.
Would a fake doctor have her own building?
Awesome! Wow! Cool! Awesome! Wow! Cool!
Seriously?!
Don't worry Bridgette, mom bought you a building, too.
[ Toilet flushes ]
Thanks.
♪♪
So, this is where the magic happens.
Whoa.
And by magic, I mean advanced chemistry.
Ooh, complimentary mints!
Uhp! Careful.
This "mint" is my "Intelli-pill,"
an experimental supplement
I'm developing for cognitive enhancement.
That means it makes you smarter.
Ugh, we get it.
You're a nerd.
Olivia's even getting interviewed
about her pill on TV.
Just some chats with Robin Roberts.
Dr. Sanjay Gupta.
Sam Snood.
Sam Snood the science dude?
I could get you into the taping.
Uh, yes, puhlease!
Uh, I mean, Candice is a huge Snood-head.
Big whoop. A kids' show?
What have you been up to, Bridgette?
Uh, well, I've had some big developments over at Instagram.
Lotta likes. Wow.
That's impressive for someone your age.
26 is like 70 in influencer years.
She's actually very popular.
She has a few thousand followers.
8,305,
but it might've gone up since I started this sentence.
[ Coughs ] Bots. Hmm.
How many followers do you have?
Does it really matter?
Isn't it great that both of your daughters
have their own things going on?
A little competition never hurts.
Pressure makes diamonds!
That's how I pushed Olivia to become scientist of the year.
Oh, that was for some conference I went to in Ljubljana.
Bet you don't even know where that is?
Why would I if I can just look it up?
How do you spell it?
[ Both laugh ]
Yeah. [ Groans ] Yeah. [ Groans ]
Did you hear the one about the store being run by a neutron?
No charge.
[ Laughter ]
Josh: What a dumb store.
♪♪
I'll show them smart.
[ Gulps ]
♪♪
Huh? I guess it doesn't work.
Aagh!
Mind on fire.
Hypotenuse!
Parthenogenesis!
"Star Trek" continuity!
[ Whistling ]
You know, maybe you shouldn't be so hard on Bridgette.
She's really trying her best.
Oh, you millennial parents.
You'd prefer I celebrate mediocrity?
What? We don't do that.
Look, dad, I'm a scientician!
Aw, what a little genius.
You're a regular Alfred Einstein!
[ Grunts ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Panting ]
Ljubljana is in Slovenia!
Now that's more like it.
Okay, so she learned to Google, big deal.
Bridge, are you alright?
I think I need to go home.
Ohhhkay, thank you both, but we should go.
Science is hard to breathe.
One day you'll be running this place.
[ Groaning ]
No!
My bangs are too short!
Alex: Anyone know how many grams are in an ounce?
Asking for a friend who's weighing something super legal.
28.35!
How did I know that?
The Intelli-pill!
I...
I'm smart.
♪♪
[ Sighs ] Guess I'm doing burrito popsicle for lunch.
♪♪
[ Blows ]
[ Screams ]
Yuhmuh!
[ Grumbling ]
♪♪
[ Gasps ]
[ Keypad clacking ]
[ Groans ] This novel is shit!
♪♪
Make Rothgar a secret Visigoth.
Oh, my God. That solves the whole thing!
Ooh! These stupid boxes!
♪♪
There you go!
Now back to opening emails from people I don't know.
♪♪
[ Sighs ] Who knew being so smart could be useful.
[ Cellphone ringing ]
♪♪
Hi Bridgette, so...
Olivia's TV interview is tomorrow.
Will you be there? I'd love if you came,
unless you're too busy learning how to read.
♪♪
Hello?
Earth to Bridgette.
I'll show you a pill.
♪♪
One thousand milligrams of bio-optimized,
quick-release nootropic cognitive enhancement.
Science, bitch!
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
So you're telling me that if I take your pill,
I'll be Sam Snood the...
Genius Dude?
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Sam. Here it is...
The Intelli-pill!
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
[ Clapping ]
Wow, cool pill...
if you like bullshit!
Hit it, Alex!
♪♪
Behold! Mind-agra!
[ Audience gasps ]
No. But how...
Bitch took my pill!
Mom! She stole my pill and reverse engineered it!
Do something! Like what?
It's about time Bridgette did something useful.
♪♪
Hey!
[ Gulps ]
[ Electricity crackling ]
[ Groans ]
I...understand!
I did it! I proved the Riemann hypothesis,
the most important unsolved problem in pure mathematics!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Eat shit, Riemann!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Olivia! Olivia! Olivia!
It's on!
[ Screams ]
♪♪
[ Munching ]
[ Both groan ]
[ Panting ]
I can see the Internet!
I can manipulate gravity!
♪♪
[ Audience gasps ]
Don't worry, I'll keep this short.
Like your bangs?
I'll kill you!
[ Laughs ] Science is awesome!
You were nothing before my pill!
At least my selfies don't get a median average of 14 likes!
[ Whirring ]
Maybe try better lighting!
At least I'm not a failure who needs to go back to school!
[ Groans ]
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
Whoo!
[ Both grunting ]
In theory, this should be hot, but I am not enjoying myself.
Stop fighting! You love each other!
Do something! They'll listen to you.
You're right.
Keep going, girls!
Winner gets a new house!
At last, I don't have to live in your shadow anymore!
No, I'm no longer living in your shadow!
Pressure...makes...
diamonds!
[ Laughs ]
Huh?
Why couldn't you have been Prom Queen?
Why can't you explore abstract ideas like your sister?
[ Machine beeping ]
[ Crying ]
Not until she's quiet like her sister.
[ Crying continues ]
I stole your pill because Mom always made me
feel dumb compared to you.
I always tried to outdo you because Mom told me
I wasn't popular and "cool" like you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too!
What do you think you're doing?
Living in each other's shadows is what pushes you to greatness!
You've pitted us against each other for years.
We had to go full evil genius
in order to realize that we don't need to compete.
Yeah, and your whole "pressure makes diamonds"
thing is creepy, sorry.
And inaccurate.
You also need carbon, heat, time...
well, it worked, didn't it?
I made you into diamonds.
Big, brainy, accomplished diamonds.
But it does warm my heart to see you two getting along.
Hmm.
I'd take a picture but you both still look like freaks.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Oh, God! Oh, right.
We need to make an antidote soon or our heads will explode.
Little kink I forgot to work out.
Let's go to my lab.
And while we're at it, we can invent a chill pill for mom.
[ Both laugh ]
What? I'm super chill.
Now, that's how you raise children.
Call me if you need any tips with that one.
We're good.
Okay, here we go. Time to meet the public.
Hey, guys?
Can I, um, read you some of my new novel?
Of course! I love to give notes. Of course! I love to give notes.
I'm not doing anything.
Awesome. Okay.
[ Clears throat ]
Eons ago --
What the [bleep]?! This sucks!
It makes me want to kill myself.
You made me hate reading more than I already do!
Wait, what? Is it really that bad?
Let's kick him in the nuts!
[ Grunting ]
[ Groans ]
All: Bad writer! Bad writer! Bad writer!
I deserve this.
Go ahead. We wanna hear it.
Uh, I don't know.
You know what? It's not ready yet!
Oh!
I got a papercut on my dong!
♪♪
Hey, Alex. How's the writing going?
[ Grunts ] Terrible.
I bet a lot of successful authors have felt this way.
You should ask one for advice.
Maybe email Dr. Seuss?
Oh, buddy, he's 100 percent dead.
No! Why didn't anybody tell me?
Oh, I went to Skylight Books to take a selfie
in the poetry section, and they're doing a signing
by that guy who writes that horny space stuff you love!
Jack Kleghorn? Author of Lust of the Star Wizards 1-4:
The Unfinished Pentology?
Yeah, that sounds the right amount of gross.
He's my favorite writer!
If he's your Seuss, go talk to him.
Before it's too late.
♪♪
[ Grunting ]
I say! Looks like we've got ourselves a bit of a Kleghead.
Oh, you have no idea, Mr. Kleghorn.
Please, call me "Sir Jack."
Thank you so much, Mr. Kleg-- um, I'm sorry, Sir Jack.
I'm actually a bit of a writer, too.
Really?
I mostly write erotic sci-fi epics
about cyborg Vikings fighting evil space gods.
Do you now?
I actually just finished a novel, but --
Finished the novel, you say?
Yeah, but I'm too scared to let anyone read it.
Did you ever feel like this?
You mean the existential fear that someone may read your work
and discover you to be a fraud?
Yes!
No.
Oh. But!
It sounds like all you need is a dram of confidence.
Why don't you send me your novel,
then stop by my chateau to chat about it?
[ Gasping ] You want...
to read...
[ Squealing ]
♪♪
Alex, my boy!
Welcome to my humble 18th-Century mansion
I had flown in piece by piece from Windsor!
I'm quite wealthy, you see.
From writing.
Can I get you anything?
Spot of tea? Antique sword?
Rembrandt?
Wow! Are those real?
Oh, yes.
I like to keep a couple of mummies around
to lift my spirits.
Who's still alive now, Amenhotep?!
[ Gasps ] And what is this?
Oh, that ancient meteor?
It's actually quite helpful with my process.
Now let's stop pissing about and get into it.
I read your novel, and I loved it
like a badger loves brambleberries.
You... Jack Kleghorn...
Sir Jack.
Sir Jack Kleghorn.
Loved my novel. [ Elephant farts ]
When Psybjorn seduces Lord Universo
to discover his weakness?
I practically -- what's the American phrase?
"Busted a nut?"
Ah! This is...
Oh! I just...
Don't get too excited, old sport.
You have work to do if you want to be the next
Sir Jack Kleghorn.
[ Rambles ] Yes, yes! I'll do whatever I have to do!
Then get to writing!
Wait, right now?
Type, boy, type!
Do you think James Patterson has confidence issues?
He's finished a book since I started this sentence.
♪♪
♪ Please Mr. Kleghorn ♪
♪ Read my book, it's erotic fiction ♪
♪ With a Viking hook ♪
♪ I would give my right arm to write like you ♪
♪ I crave success as a serial fiction author ♪
♪ Serial fiction author ♪
[ Groaning ]
Alex, it seems like Jack is working you to the bone.
Sir Jack is working me to the bone?
And I'm fine.
My favorite author thinks I've got potential.
And I finally feel confident.
Why does he make you do a ton of exercise?
Strong body strong mind, no-doy.
You wouldn't get it.
We think you should at least get some sleep.
Jack says sleep is for wankers, and wanking is for losers,
so I don't do either anymore.
Alex, you're being insane.
Ohhh, I see.
You're all jealous.
I'm going back to Sir Jack's, and if you don't like it,
you can kiss my... [ Belt buckle jingling ]
...novel-writing ass!
You close the door, Josh.
[ Knock on door ]
Sir Jack?
His name is Alex Dorpenberger.
He's brilliant!
A once-in-a-generation talent!
Yes, you've got to meet him right away.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.
Was that...? My agent, dear boy!
I was just calling to let him know that I'm the next you.
That's incred--
Wait, don't you mean I'm the next you?
Absolutely not!
[ Grunts ]
[ Body thuds ]
[ Groaning ] Huh?
Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!
I hope I didn't bash your bally brains in.
What the hell is going on?!
We're going to do a little freaky Friday!
What? We're swapping bodies, dear boy!
Okay, got it. You're crazy.
Crazy about eternal life!
How would you like to hear a yarn?
Do I have a choice?
Once upon a time, 44,000 years ago give or take,
I was but a humble caveman.
Twas the early days of art,
but I saw how rewarding it could be.
[ Cheering ]
I saw an opportunity to "cash in."
I was history's first plagiarist,
and that didn't bust anyone's nuts.
But then a miracle!
♪♪
This space meteor had caused us to switch bodies!
I'd escaped death, and as a bonus,
I was able to rip off the other guy without consequence!
My life, as the modern teens say, "slapped."
And with the meteor in my possession, it never had to end.
Whenever my body grew old,
I'd find an undiscovered young artist,
make them churn out fresh content,
take over their body, and murder the poor twit.
So, wait a minute, you're just some kind of crappy thief?
I am an exceptional thief, Mr. Dorpenberger!
Time for you to shut what is soon to be my mouth.
[ Screams ]
Oh, no! I'm old as shit!
Well, everything seems to be tickety-boo!
Let's get to killing you, shall we?
[ Grunts ] Oh, bollocks.
I always forget to untie myself before swapping.
♪♪
Guys! You have to help me!
I'm actually Alex!
Sir Jack used a magic meteor to swap bodies with me!
Okay, at first I thought you were
just really good at impressions,
and I was like "Hello?! SNL?"
But the meteor thing makes more sense.
Look, you guys were right when you said
Sir Jack was mistreating me, but you've got to help me!
[ Horn honks ]
[ Gasps ] Alex?
Not for long!
Now, hand over the manuscripts and meteor
and I shan't decapitate you.
You're way hotter with that voice.
Hey!
♪♪
My precious!
♪♪
Josh: Whoa. Everyone's friggin huge.
Candice: Hell yeah, I'm old enough to cuss!
Bridgette: I'm literally inside my ex.
My therapist is gonna love this.
Emily: Wait. So who's in Bridgette?
That's Sir Bridgette.
♪♪
Josh, you need to do some curls.
[ Grunts ]
Ow! I did not think that through.
No, you really didn't.
Anyhoo, enjoy hell!
Stop!
Let her go, or I'll torch the manuscripts!
What sort of imbecile would destroy his life's work?
An imbecile who loves his friends!
No! My livelihood!
[ Screams ] [ Gasps ]
Catch!
[ Both grunts ]
[ Gasps ]
Well, that's no good.
Can someone please cover my eyes?
Well, that took a ton of math,
but I think everyone
is who they're supposed to be at this point.
I'm sorry your idol turned out to be
an ancient body-stealing fraud.
Eh. Could happen to anyone.
Guess I should cancel my meeting with Jack's agent, though.
You must have something you can show him.
Nope. This was everything.
Unless...
And then right at the last second,
they switch bodies again, and Jack dies.
The end.
Yeahhh, it's gonna be a pass.
That's fair.
♪♪