♪♪
Go Candice! You got it! Crush it, Candice!
Putt it up! Hup!
Yah!
Whoo-hoo! Hell yeah!
Blasted that bad boy!
Uh, nice work, Candice.
But now watch how a master putter does it.
Josh, hold my chili.
Okay, let's see it, Jack Nicholson.
You're thinking of Jack Nicklaus.
And he putted a little something...
like this.
[ Stomach rumbles ] Gah-aah!
Wow. Jack Nicklaus sucked.
Aah!
So, was that a cry of pain or a cry for attention?
Ha! No big deal.
Just a little cramp. I-I can walk it off.
Aaaah!
Should we call a doctor?
Don't be silly.
If I just play through it, the pain will go away.
[ Rumbling ]
Gah!
[ Screams ]
Aaaah!
Oh! Gah!
[ Screams ]
[Strained] All better.
♪♪
[ Groans ]
Oh, man, you look like wet garbage.
Still sick?
No. I'm the king of feeling great.
[ Groans ]
Aaah!
Oh, my God! Man, I don't like this.
You seem pretty sick.
Oh, yeah?
Could a guy who's "pretty sick"
mail a letter?
[ Grunting ]
Alex! Are you okay?
[ Groans ] Nailed it!
You threw up on the way over here.
Yeah, as a joke.
Okay, we're taking you to a doctor.
Doctor?
[ Ominous music plays ]
[ Maniacal laughter ]
No! I said no doctors!
Doctors have killed more people in history
than Genghis Khan and Chaka Khan combined.
Alex, would you relax?
I see like 50 doctors a week.
They don't kill people.
Why don't you tell that to my dad?!
[ Groans ]
[ Door slams ] Awkwaaard! [ Door slams ] Awkwaaard!
[ Alex shuddering ]
Do any of you know what he meant about his dad?
Yeah. His dad passed away when he was young.
It was pretty sudden.
And he's been weird about doctors
as long as I've known him.
Like the time he got a concussion
and said he was gonna "sleep it off."
Or when he broke his finger and just rubbed some lotion on it.
Well, no matter what he thinks about doctors,
we can't let him die from being a total idiot.
Hey, Bud.
How are ya?
All better...
Than Ezra. Ha!
Funnyyy. [ Chuckles awkwardly ]
Look, we wanted to apologize for pressuring you.
You clearly have this under control.
Thank you.
It takes a strong person to admit when they're wrong.
But we found something to make you feel better.
A back-to-back screening of all eight
Viking Timelord movies at The Vista!
Really? Okay.
I'll go put on my Commander Ragnar cosplay.
[ Gurgling ]
No time. We gotta hurry to make the show!
"I...
am not leaving...
without my time axe!"
That's a quote from "Viking Timelord 2: Breaking Bifrost."
No doy.
And technically it can cut through time but not space,
which is like, how did they think of that?
That's sooo cool.
Right?!
I-I think you took a wrong turn, Pearle.
Oh, uh, w-we're taking a different route.
Oh, okay.
Hold on.
How did I not know about this screening?
I have like six different Google alerts
for "Viking Timelord marathon."
Wait a minute.
This is the way to the hospital!
What are you -- No!
Stay! No!
Aah!
[ Panting ]
Alex!
My stomach feels better already!
Oh!
[ Gurgling ]
Oww!
Need...
lotion.
Oh!
Owww!
♪♪
Huh?
No! Stop!
Turn around!
No can do, brah.
I'm haulin' your ass to Hell!
[ Shrieks ]
[ Tires screech ]
♪♪
Oh, God!
What is this place?
The Hellspital, duh.
It's the only place a demon can rip your intestines out
and then reinsert them in a different hole.
Also, we use the American healthcare system here.
[ Screams ]
♪♪
Hey there. Got a new patient for ya.
Feel free to rip him a new one.
All right, hon, what should we do first?
I can cut out your tongue, feed you your ears,
take your temperature --
The temperature!
Nurse: Mm-kay!
Say "Aah."
Aaaah! Aah!
Demon: Wait! Hold up a sec!
Dude's got a visitor.
From "upstairs."
Heaven.
Ugh, those losers?
♪♪
Ta-da! Hi, kiddo.
Oh, my God. Dad?
This is amazing!
I have so many things I want to ask you,
like "What's Saint Peter like?"
And, uh, "Are you proud of me?"
And "Can people in heaven see you when you tug it?"
Kinda rude, very, and thankfully no.
Phew, that's a load off my mind.
Ha! "Load."
Nice. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Nice. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Totally. Wow!
I've -- I've really missed you.
Well, I've missed you, too, son.
And I've got something for ya.
[ Clock gears clanging ]
Whoa!
Is that Poseidon's time axe?
From "Viking Timelord 6: Surf's Up"?
Heck yeah, it is.
Now let's get you out of here.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you rot in Hell because of me.
Because of you? What? This isn't your fault.
Well, the Hell part isn't.
They determine that based on your search history.
That was research for my novel!
But the you-being-dead part?
That's on me.
I'm the reason you're afraid of doctors.
Dad, you were totally healthy.
Then, one day, you went to the hospital for a check-up,
and within a week, you were just -- you were gone.
Son, that's not the whole story.
All right, visiting hours are over.
Huh?
Ooh! Not cool, Heaven dude!
♪♪
[ Clank! ]
Run!
♪♪
[ Growls ]
[ Snarling ]
Son, let's kick some demon ass.
Oh, hell yeah.
[ Ticking ]
[ Battle cry ] Aaaah! [ Battle cry ] Aaaah!
[ Laughing ]
[ Spits, coughs ]
Aaaah!
[ Roars ]
♪♪
Ah! Ha!
[ Ding! ]
Nice.
Well, this blows.
In here!
Game over, man.
They're gonna make us fill out insurance forms!
Not. Today.
♪♪
Oof!
You need to drive the ambulance out of here.
Also, the signs are all lies,
so you follow the ones that say "Not the way out."
What about you? I'll hold them off. What about you? I'll hold them off.
No! Come with me!
Alex, I can't.
And you need to understand about my death.
Dad! Come on!
It wasn't sudden.
I'd been sick for months.
But I didn't do anything about it. I hid it.
All because I was scared of what the doctors might tell me.
But you seemed fine!
You took me to the first Viking Timelord movie, remember?
"Viking Timelord: Ragnar's Wedding."
By the time I finally got to the hospital, it was too late.
It wasn't their fault, son.
[ Demons shrieking ]
Drive.
I've got this.
Daaad!
I love you!
I love you, too, Alex.
You take care of yourself. Go to the doctor.
Heaven powers --
activaaate!
Ha! Classic Dad.
[ Tires squealing ]
♪♪
[ Gasps ] All: Alex! [ Gasps ] All: Alex!
Thank God! Are you okay?
We were looking all over for you!
Yeah, we never would've found you if it wasn't for Lyla.
G'day.
Lyla's Australian.
Isn't that wild?
We had quite the little adventure tracking you down.
It was like a whole episode!
Look, guys, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.
I was scared.
Scared of what a doctor might tell me.
But I need to see one.
No matter what they might say.
[ Sniffles ]
Crikey.
Doctor: Mr. Dorpenberger, we've found the problem.
We're here for you.
It's gas.
Like... Gas.
You have an absolute tanker load of gas in your belly.
What the hell do you eat?
I'm currently doing a chili cleanse.
Well, that explains it. Anyway, you're fine.
Just eat literally anything else.
Oh, that is great news!
All I have to do is stop eating chili? Oof.
It's gonna be hell on my cleanse,
but I'll give it a whirl.
[ Stomach gurgles ]
Ow!
Oh, man, I'm starving.
What are you making?
We're having hot dogs!
Yes!
Same as last Friday and the Friday before that!
Consistency!
Both: Josh's night!
You know, when it's my night, I try to mix it up a bit.
Kids crave structure.
Aah! I'm sorry.
I got super high and ate all your hot dogs.
What the hell? I left a note that said I was saving those.
I ate the note, too.
Ugh! Just don't eat our food, okay?
Oof, how's Josh's night gonna get out of this one?
Easily!
Josh's night!
Gross, gross, not food.
A-ha! Eh?
Fine, but let's frame it as a fun thing
and not "your parents forgot to go food shopping" thing.
But pancakes are for breakfast.
We can't have breakfast for dinner, can we?
Some rules are meant to be broken.
That's why we still tell the zoo you're 3 years old.
[ Gasps ]
[Echoing] Breakfast for dinner?!
[ Blows whistle ] Hey, come on.
Rules are important.
Fair Candice!
It is I, an 80%-on-model Robin Hood.
Rules are completely meaningless.
Go forth and do whatever you want.
[Normal voice] Really?
Of course.
Doing whatever you feel like is the key to happiness.
Your mind has now been blown in three, two, one.
I think she likes the pancakes.
♪♪
[ Candice humming ] [ Both gasp ]
Hey, guys, I was thinking,
if we can have breakfast for dinner,
why not dinner for breakfast?
Candice, that's not how you cook lasagna.
Eh, I'm pretty sure the instructions
are just a suggestion.
Oops.
Dude, let's just eat it off of the floor.
[ Both gasp ] Mmm!
Tastes like a burnt Popsicle!
Candice! No coffee!
It makes you aggressive.
No, it doesn't!
Aaaah!
I don't need to brush my teeth!
[ Whirring ]
I can feel the static electricity
on my eyeballs.
Mom, you're all out of [bleep] makeup!
[ Both gasp ]
Hey, guys, I was thinking it would be a good idea
to skip school.
What if we pull another "breakfast for dinner"
and go to the movies?
I wish. But we gotta go to work.
Anyway, school is fun.
You get to see all your friends.
Hmm, that's true.
But tomorrow -- ska-ska-ska-skip!
[ Tires squeal ]
I can't wait to tell my friends about breakfast for dinner!
Rules are meaningless!
We can do whatever we want.
[ Kids screaming ]
[ Ramones' "Judy Is A Punk" plays ]
I'm not paid enough for this!
♪ And oh, I don't know why ♪
♪ Oh, I don't know why ♪
♪ Perhaps they'll die ♪
I'm sorry, Jade,
but if your scissor skills don't improve drastically,
you're going to have to repeat kindergarten.
Rules are rules.
Candice said rules are bullshit.
Really?
Kinda. I'm paraphrasing.
It's anarchy time! Yeah!
♪ Oh, I don't know why ♪
♪ Perhaps they'll die, oh, yeah ♪
Die, permanent records, die!
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
[ Commotion in distance ]
What are our options?
We could get an ice-cream truck
to lure them away from the school.
What if we bribe them with sugar-free candy?
God damn it! Isn't it obvious?
We have to kill the leader!
Mr. Campbell: No!
There's only one way to put an end to this revolución.
Did you get a lock for the refrigerator?
[ Cellphone ringing ]
[ Groans ]
Oh, freakin' great!
Hello?
Mr. Campbell: Joshua, Emily, hey.
Uh, I'd like to talk to you at some point
about fundraising for the school,
but right now, Candice is out of control!
You know me, I'm not an alarmist.
But your daughter and her acolytes have enough vinegar
and baking soda to blow up the entire city of Los Angeles!
Probably not county, but definitely city!
[ Explosion, teachers scream ]
Not my Android!
My mom's phone number was in there!
I never committed it to memory!
Let's go!
Time to take the express lane.
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
♪♪
Josh: Whoa!
Was that there this morning?
Aah!
Aaaaaaah!
♪♪
Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Mr. Campbell said you were disrupting class.
Really? We've been having a blast!
We've even built a giant volcano all by ourselves!
♪♪
Candice, you can't mix that much baking soda and vinegar.
Why not?
I don't see why we can't mix them all together
in a giant pit.
That would be like saying you can't have pancakes for dinner.
Candice, look, yes, we ate the pancakes for dinner,
but breaking that rule doesn't hurt anyone.
What about all the people who aren't having fun?
♪♪
Hot! Hot!
[ Laughs ]
Aah! [ Chuckles ]
What have I done?
Your parents are gonna ruin everything.
You need to prove your loyalty to the no-rules revolution.
Throw your parents in the volcano.
What? That's crazy.
No way!
Wow!
Candice is trying to make a rule
that parents can't be thrown in volcanoes!
[ All gasp ]
I say, we are not going back to the old way
with the lies and constant threats
to make me repeat kindergarten.
The only rule is there are no rules!
Guards, take them to the top of the volcano!
Wait a sec! We are so much bigger than them.
Listen up, kids --
[Slurred] Tranquilizer dart?
Haaaaah!
Why do they have these at the school?
The school nurse gives them to me when I get over-stimulated.
That makes sen-- Oof!
[ Horn blows ]
[ Kids shouting ]
♪♪
Well, I guess this is it.
I always kinda knew being a parent would get me killed.
I'm so sorry, Mom and Dad.
This is all my fault.
Stop! We can't keep doing this.
This all started because I had breakfast for dinner.
But that was a good thing.
Eating pancakes doesn't hurt anybody.
But now you're about to totally kill me and my parents.
And it's not just me. Kids are getting hurt.
Do you think Jackson likes being used as a basketball hoop?
Or Ethan likes being used as a spear?
I don't love it.
And if jade will do this to me, she'll do it to all of you.
What?!
It's not too late.
Yeah, we'll probably get detention,
but I'd do a million detentions to get back to normal.
[ Cheering ]
No! You're gonna ruin this!
Aaaah!
Die!
Ha!
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
How are they so good at tying knots?
I taught them in knot class.
20 years in the Navy as a knotsman!
Why are you doing this?
Because it's not fair!
You'll be a first-grader
and I'll be a super-tall kindergartner!
Hah!
Kick her ass, Candice!
Hey, Emily, we don't encourage that kind of language
at Chamomile.
You said we could do whatever we wanted!
I was wrong!
[ Grunting ]
Aah!
Just drop me.
I don't want to repeat kindergarten.
Jade, no!
You won't have to repeat it if you just try.
Really?
Yeah, it's October.
Just do the bare minimum and you'll be fine.
Oh.
Lift me up.
[ Grunting ]
Why did you save me?
It'd be pretty weird if I gave a big speech
about not hurting people
and then let my friend fall to her death.
Oh, right.
That makes sense.
Thanks, Candice.
[ Cheering ]
I can't believe we got away with that with no consequences.
Yay, I don't have to be a spear anymore.
Aah!
Oh, shi--
[ Panting ]
Aah!
[ Boing! ]
Okay, that was pretty cool.
♪♪
Candice, we're proud of you.
Well, as proud as any parents can be after their child
tried to destroy their school.
Thanks, Mom.
Also, no TV for a week.
That's fair.
At least I understand how rules work now.
Sometimes you follow them, sometimes you don't.
[ Beeping ]
Ugh! This is taking forever.
It's okay to do it just this once.
Get on the ground, don't move!
♪♪