Ooh, I'm excited to check out this "hot new place"
Josh and 'em are taking us to.
Yeah, I don't know anything in this area.
Hey. There's the address.
[ Ominous chord strikes ]
[ People cheering ] [ Electricity crackles ]
[ Eerie music plays ]
[ Whimpers ]
[ People screaming ]
Aaaah!
Hey, guys! You found it!
[ Snap! ] Ew.
This isn't exactly what we were expecting
when you said "dinner."
[ Squish ] Ugh!
Pssh! Come on, guys. This place is a blast!
[ Chomping, breathing rapidly ]
Okay, we may have neglected to say this place is for kids.
But it's only because every time we invite you guys
to something Candice can enjoy, you don't wanna come!
Yeah, because kids' places are gross and loud and horrible!
But we have a kid. How are we supposed to hang out with you
if we don't go to kids' places? Good question. if we don't go to kids' places? Good question.
Maybe we shouldn't hang out so much anymore.
[ Both gasp ]
As we used to say back when you were fun --
outi 5000!
[ Grunts ] Ah, this whole place is so sticky!
[ Grunting ]
[ Bones cracking ] Ha! [ Bones cracking ] Ha!
♪♪
Emily: It is kind of thoughtless of us
to make them tag along everywhere.
If only we had some friends who were parents...
I found this app that matches parents
with other like-minded parents.
Ugh! Meeting strangers on the Internet?
I don't know.
You know what? Let's do it!
Ohh!
Not gonna happen. No, thanks. Nope!
Hey. They look alright.
You know what I love about this line? No kids.
Yeah. Nobody here has a bedtime.
Cokey Brian: Psst! Hey! Up here!
♪♪
[ Grunting ]
-Ugh! -Thanks for letting us in!
No problem. It's my personal belief
that no one should pay for anything.
Ever!
Uh, yeah, no-doy.
My friends call me Cokey Brian. I love cocaine.
I can get high just by snorting trace elements of it
out of the air.
[Inhales sharply]
[Exhales shakily]
Welcome to the rat's nest.
[ EDM music thumping ]
[ People cheering ]
♪♪
Finally! Some culture!
It's great to be at a place for grown-ups for once.
Can we get two flavor-blasted 'za shots?
♪♪
Oh, God! I've missed being around adults!
They'll be here any second.
The only normal family on that whole app.
-Emily? Josh? -Hi! We're Evan and Danielle.
From Kindr. And over there is our little June.
She's a little shy.
This is Candice. She's not.
[ Candice giggling ]
Well, hey! They're already a pack!
Can I just say -- it's so nice to meet a normal couple.
We just love being parents.
And we want to hang out with other people
who love being parents.
Us too!
[ Giggling ]
June! Not so fast!
Sorry. She's so hyper.
We've been taking her to the park to burn off energy,
but apparently not enough.
Same! Ah. You guys get it.
Kids need to be tired, but not too tired.
[ Laughter ]
[ Heavy-metal music playing ]
♪♪
[ Glass shatters, alarm ringing ]
Cheese it! It's the fuzz!
Alex: I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I've been drunk for three weeks straight.
[ Cokey Brian giggling ]
Attendant: Riders, please remain seated,
keeping your hands and arms inside the log at all times.
Wait. Are all adult activities
just kid activities with drinking?
Oh, yeah! Front of the log!
[ Gulping ]
Ah, yeah! Front of the log!
[ Gulping ] Hunh!
Hey! Don't copy me!
You don't copy me, dick!
I'll kill you!
Cokey Brian, no! What are you doing?! Cokey Brian, no! What are you doing?!
You guys need to spread out.
Otherwise the logs could launch off the tracks.
[ Laughs hysterically ]
-Oh, no. -Oh, no.
[ Cokey Brian grunting and laughing ]
Come on! Let's see if we can really launch this thing!
I don't know, man! It doesn't feel safe!
I thought you guys were cool.
If you want to be babies,
you should go back to hanging out with babies!
Put your arms up!
-Unh! -Aah!
Oh, no!
[ Alex and Bridgette scream ]
I'm kind of the world! Ha ha!
[ Both groaning ]
♪♪
It's gone. It's all gone.
They've destroyed the apple butter,
the apple preserves, the blackberry jam,
the blueberry orange marmalade...
[ Police siren approaches ] ...the cranberry pear jam,
the cantaloupe preserves with cinnamon... What? the cantaloupe preserves with cinnamon... What?
See ya, fuzz! You're not taking me! No!
Ah! [ Laughs hysterically ]
[ Siren wails ]
[ Siren stops, steam hissing ]
Oh, my God. We never should have bailed on Josh and Emily.
[ Message whooshes ]
Emily: Jam jail?
Oh. An important text?
Oh, it's some old friends. Acquaintances, really.
Who didn't want to hang out with us anymore
because we have a kid.
-Ha ha. Weirdos! -What else should we order?
Why don't we split the Skinnylicious Buffalo Blasterz
with a side of cheesecake nachos?
Ooh, and maybe a mini corndog salad?
That should probably be enough.
Although we could order extra and get them
to put it in a doggy bag.
June loves leftovers.
We were so bummed when we saw you didn't bring her.
-Oh, she's here. -Excuse me?
We wouldn't leave our dog-ter home alone. We're not monsters.
Did you just say "dog-ter"?
[ Eerie music plays ]
What the hell?! You told us you were parents!
Josh, I'm offended! We are parents.
Just like you.
This is a dog!
It's nothing like raising a human child!
Everyone always says that.
But we do the same things you do.
Take June to the vet. Check her for worms.
Rub her face in pee when she has an accident.
Candice, did you know about this?
Yeah, what did you think I meant when I said
June had the softest ears in the whole wide world?
I don't know! You're a weird kid! You say weird things!
[ Chuckles nervously] Maybe we should head out.
But our next course is just arriving.
Okay. We've got one order of...raw horse meat!
I thought when you ordered that it was just an ironic name!
No, Josh. They have everything here.
[ All chomping ]
Uh, can we get some sandwiches to go, please?
Get to the car, get to the car, get to the car.
Ugh! I can't believe we got duped
into hanging out with those freaks.
Yeah, they're obviously nuts,
but isn't this kind of what we did to Bridgette and Alex?
We did trick them into hanging out with us.
You're right. We should apologize.
[ Dog growling ] [ All gasp ]
[ Screams ]
[ Dogs growling ]
♪♪
[ Man whistles, growling stops ]
What do you want from us?!
We just want you to admit that raising a dog
is exactly the same as raising a child.
That's completely insane!
Be careful what you say, Josh.
The children are watching.
[ Dogs growling ]
[ Both laughing ]
♪♪
Tcch! Tcch!
[ Dogs barking ]
[ Both howling ]
[ Dogs barking ]
[ Elevator bell dings ]
♪♪
Did you remember to validate the parking?
Shiiiiiiiiiit.
[ Elevator bell dings, dogs barking ]
Start the car!
Unh!
[ Dogs barking ]
[ Josh panting ]
[ Beep ]
[ Dogs growling ]
♪♪
[ Beep ] [ Gasps ] [ Beep ] [ Gasps ]
♪♪
[ Beep ] Aah!
♪♪
[ Beep ] [ Dogs growl ]
♪♪
[ All scream ]
[ Tires screech ]
♪♪
Come on, guys. We can get past this.
Uh, we can't!
You lied to us about having a human daughter!
No, you assumed our dog daughter was a human.
So there's plenty of blame to go around!
No!
Unh! Why won't you hang out with us?!
Give us a reason!
Uh -- [ Gasps ] We're cat people!
Ew! Gross!
[ Both grunting ]
[ Tires screech ]
Can you believe those freaks?
Hopefully the next people won't be as toxic.
-[ Gasps ] Oh, that's a match. -Yes! Ooh. Yes, yes, yes.
-That's a match. -Ooh, they look interesting.
Ooh, ooh! That's definitely a match.
♪♪
[ Door opens ]
Oh, thank God you got our message!
We made a mistake! Stop. We made a mistake! Stop.
You guys are our real friends.
You don't lie to us or dress up animals like people.
What?
I mean, we're parents, but we're not just parents.
We can make time to have fun with you guys.
And we realized that adult activities
are exactly like kid activities, but with booze.
So we can just take flasks with us
to Candice's recitals and birthdays or whatever.
Oh, I don't think -- That's a great idea!
So...can you bail us out of here?
Yeah, we talked to the guard.
He said you just need to pay for some jam?
[ Cash register dings ]
Alright. Here's your apple butter,
the apple preserves, the blackberry jam,
the blueberry orange marmalade...
[ Both grunting ]
So, long story short, that's why I bring my own salt.
[ Chuckles ] [Flatly] Fascinating.
[ Grunts ]
Uh, excuse me! [ Fingers snapping ]
I specifically asked for no mayonnaise.
That's our signature house aioli.
Mayo is aioli!
Mayo is the devil's condiment! Ugh!
♪♪
Bingo. Miss?
♪♪
I couldn't help but notice you hating on mayo.
Paul here --
Travis! Whatever.
He also hates mayo,
so maybe you two can, you know, talk?
All white sauces are a no for me.
Mayo, ranch.
Urp! The sound of the word "ranch" makes me want to vomit.
Kiss me, you dreamboat!
[ Travis moaning ]
And then they made out over dry sandos. Ugh!
If it makes you feel any better,
I totally crashed and burned on my last date.
Literally. We went go-kart racing.
I T-boned her car and singed off my leg hair.
You have a way better chance of meeting someone new than I do.
Oh, can you imagine if you met someone first?
And moved on?
[ Both laughing ]
[ Alex continues laughing ]
Aah!
Whoops. Sorry about that.
Wouldn't want to accidentally
rekindle our relationship, right?
Yeah. Right. Like that could ever happen.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Bridgette! We wanted you to be the first to know.
Both: We're engaged! [ Twinkle! ] Both: We're engaged! [ Twinkle! ]
I hope you don't mind, but we told all our single friends
that you were the one who set us up!
-Bridgette! -I'm desperate!
Me next!
Okaaaaay.
♪♪
You want me to be a matchmaker?
Everyone I go out with is a total freak!
Exactly. And all those freaks want to meet their soul mates.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Alright. Who's ready to get monogamied?!
♪ Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel ♪
♪♪
♪ My heart's in overdrive ♪
♪ And you're behind the steering wheel ♪
♪♪
♪ Touching you ♪
♪ Touching me ♪
♪ Touching you, God, you're touching me ♪
♪♪
♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪
♪ Just listen to the rhythm of my heart ♪
♪ There's a chance... ♪
Great. Now everyone in town has a date but me.
Alex: Uh, not everybody.
What'd you lose in the couch this time, goofus?
My favorite...
[Deep voice] DVD. [ Gasps ]
It's about a Viking
murder horse that...
[ Doorbell rings ]
Bridgette here. Hottest matchmaker in town.
[ Giggles ] I'm Hannah.
I teach at a small liberal-arts college,
and I'm looking for a guy who gets my passion for Viking lore.
Ohh. You like Vikings?
Uh, duh-doy!
And I'd love a guy in tweed... who wears glasses...
Ha!
...and has unkempt facial hair that kind of smells
like if hummus fermented in a beard for six years.
If he did exist, which he doesn't,
you'd hit it off, right?
Ohh, yeah! Alex: It's gone! Ohh, yeah! Alex: It's gone!
I'm sorry, but I don't know anyone that --
And now I'll never be able to find another copy
of "Need for Steed 3..."
Both: "Tales of a Norse Horse."
Is that the Bronze Anniversary Special Edition?! [ Grunts ]
And the 14-hour director's cut!
♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪
♪ Just listen to the rhythm of my heart ♪
♪ There's a chance we could make it now, we'll be rocking... ♪
[ Clearing throat loudly ] Well, thanks!
He'll get this back to you after he's done.
Do you wanna maybe watch this in my room?
Please tell me you live in a cramped space
with no ventilation.
I call it "a closet."
Ooh!
Hey! What are you -- [ Stammers ]
Bridgette, you truly are the best!
Arghhh!
[ Alarm beeping ]
[ Groans ]
[ Gasps ]
Good morning, Bridgette!
Heyyy. You, uh, slept over?
Yeah! We were up so late
geeking out over ancient Norse runes.
Ohhh. So you only crashed here 'cause you were tired.
Yeah. [ Spits ]
[Deep voice] And we had sex.
♪♪
[Normal voice] All yours!
Greaaaaat.
Uh-oh!
Bridgette doing chores. What's wrong?
Have you met Alex's new friend?!
No, but are you maybe, uh, jealous?
Me?! Jealous?!
[ Laughing maniacally ]
Eh, don't mind us. Just two lovebirds looking for a snack.
Chirp, chirp.
[ Both moaning passionately ]
I need to get out of here!
So, uh, I'm looking for someone tough like me.
Casual horseback falconry? What --
[ Gasps ] HanbergerLoveJourney?
Ugh! He never made up a hashtag for me!
is this a bad time?
No, no. Not at all. Here.
Oh. Okay.
[ Inhales sharply ] Unh! Guh!
[ Phone buzzes ]
What does he -- [ Gasps ]
I knew they wouldn't work out!
[ Moaning ]
Unh! Ow! We should, uh, establish a safe word.
Ooh, you're back!
Mm-hmm. What'd you want to talk about?
Uh, look.
I know things have been weird.
Weird? What? [Chuckling] How?
You know, me being with Hannah
and us still sharing a very thin wall.
Ohhh! That! No, that's fine. That's fine. I'm fine.
no, I've just been super busy having similar sex
with tons of dudes.
That's great!
I just wanted to make sure you were cool
with me and Hannah before things get,
you know, serious.
Of course! Live your life!
Thanks, Bridge.
I'm glad you're here to see this.
Hit it! [ Switch clicks ]
Aah! Oh, my gosh!
Hannah, my sweet, tender Viking lover...
[ Gasps ]
...will you marry me?
Of course I will!
Hanberger forever! [ Giggles ]
Uh-huh!
-Yay, Alex! -Alex and the new girl!
[Restrained] Congrats.
♪♪
Alex is on a budget, so you get to be flower girl
and cocktail waitress!
On it, Dad!
Yeah, a former tenant left this in his unit.
Actually, he kinda died in his unit.
[ Vacuum whirring ]
[ Gasps ] What the hell are you doing?!
Hey! I was using that.
You need to tell Alex that you still have feelings for him.
Pssh! Even if I did, which I don't,
this "marriage" won't last!
Once they run out of Viking shows to watch together,
they'll fall apart.
I give it a week, tops.
[ Sighs ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
♪♪
Nordic mead or hanberger spritz?
Ah. Auntie Bridgette's cut off. [ Chuckles nervously ]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
to join Alex and Hannah in marriage,
a contract not to be entered into lightly.
No mulligans, take-backs, or JK LOLs.
Hannah, do you take Alex to be your --
Wait! This isn't right!
[ All gasp ] Oh, no!
Told ya so.
Alex, I haven't been honest with you.
I don't teach at a small liberal-arts college.
Occidental is more mid-sized.
No, I -- Ohh. This is so embarrassing.
I just have to show you.
[ Thunder crashes ]
♪♪
[ Electricity zapping ]
♪♪
I am Hnoss.
The Norse goddess of lust and desire.
[ Electricity zapping ]
♪♪
Whoa!
Come!
We will wed in Valhalla
and induct you as a god by my side.
[ Whimpers ]
This one's on the house.
Ohh!
This is...very hot!
Oh, ho, ho, ho, holy shit!
[ Reins crack ]
[ Braying ]
♪♪
[ People cheering ]
He's leaving?! For real?! For...ever?
♪♪
[ Gasps ]
[ People gasping ]
Bridgette: Alex, wait!
What in Odin's name?
♪♪
Bridgette? What's wrong?
I still have feelings for you, okay?!
I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier.
I-I didn't even realize it myself.
But I had to say something before I lost you
to becoming a god or whatever.
Hannah, I am so sorry about all of this.
[ Whimpers ]
But I can't marry you.
[Sternly] What?
Not when I still have unresolved feelings
for someone else. [ Gasps ]
♪♪
You're dumping me? I am a literal deity.
I don't need to settle for a guy
who can't even commit to eternity.
Hnoss out!
[ Reins crack ]
[ Braying ]
♪♪
Damn! That would've rocked.
But not as much as this.
[ Both moan ]
[ All cheering ]
So, may I formally ask you out on a second first date?
I would love that.
But let's take things slow this time.
I don't want to rush and mess it up like I usually do.
Well, except for the sex.
That can happen whenever, wherever.
Deal. Ugh!
[ Thunder crashes ]
Hnoss: I can't believe I let your gross beard
scratch my face!
Oh, right. Goddess ex.
You blocked her on Insta, right?
We've been broken up for like two minutes!
[ Sighs ] Already with the excuses.
[ Both scream ]
[ Hnoss laughs evilly ]
♪♪
[ Both grunting ]