Social media is everywhere.
It seems like every day there's a brand new way to chat,
text, hit on, or hate on the world around us.
In my dad's day, the main technological advancement
in communication was this.
Dre. Do you know some girl named Lisa?
Lisa?
No, no, I don't know no Lisa.
Oh, oh, you don't know me now?!
Lisa?
Janet?
Dear black Jesus!
How are you both on the line at the same damn time?
I got three-way calling, you [Bleep].
Why would the phone company do something like this?
And while we're more advanced now,
we're also more dependent on technology than ever.
_
One might say we're addicted.
There's actually scientific evidence
our brains get a boost of dopamine,
like a chemical reward whenever we get a text or a like.
I'd like to say I'm above it all.
But there is nothing better than sharing the amazing news
of your dream fellowship with 8,000 of your closest friends.
♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪
♪ I'm grown ♪
♪ Learnin' something new every day ♪
♪ I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way ♪
♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪
♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪
♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪
- ♪ I'm grown ♪ - ♪ You can tell me ♪
♪ My heart beating so loud ♪
♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪
♪ I'm grown ♪
Okay, so I got my fellowship at Teen Vogue,
and really, it's no big deal.
I'm lying.
It's the biggest deal of all time!
I mean, look at this place.
Can you believe I am barely getting paid to be here?
The clothes.
The people.
The bathroom.
Come on. Baby wipes?
This is just a first-class institution.
I'm not one to be dramatic,
but if today were my last day on Earth, I'd be okay with it.
I was living an actual dream.
And interestingly enough, I was living it with my friend.
Well, more like a friend with benefits.
But there's actually not that many benefits
because he owes me money.
He's more like a friend with history.
But honestly, there's not that much history, either,
because all we did was make out a few times.
But he does owe me some money.
Like, a pretty significant amount of money.
God, Luca is so cute.
I mean, there's maybe three other people on this planet
that could pull off pajama pants and Gucci slides.
Yeah, he's bae.
Hey, Luca, remind me again how you got this job,
because I don't remember you applying.
I didn't.
I was kind of just walking to wherever,
and, uh, this girl came up to me and was like,
"Your pants are fire."
So here we are.
Okay, I love your company and your overall fashion sense,
but you are not the best storyteller.
I just don't think you're the best listener.
Remember when I tried to tell you
about my father's alcoholism?
I think he's talking right now, but I'm not sure because...
...this is happening.
And, you know, I'm just wondering if those demons
are gonna follow me throughout my life.
You know?
Mm-hmm.
I know last week's class on the Wu Tang Clan
was overwhelming for some of you all.
But please make no mistake.
The section on Raekwon the Chef will be on the midterm.
Mmkay?
Now, for tonight's class, our lesson is filing taxes.
More specifically, filing my taxes.
Still more specifically, how do I file my taxes?
Now, with that being said, I present to you a pop quiz.
Excuse me, sir. These are just blank W-4s.
That is correct, Joe.
Now, if you all can fill out these forms
using my information, I'm pretty sure an "A"
will be waiting for you on the other side.
I've also been told that, uh, it helps to have receipts, so...
Oh, hey, Miss Teen Vogue.
How's the new gig?
You really have to ask? Just check her Insta.
What's that supposed to mean?
It just means you're flooding our feeds, boo.
Yeah, I had to comb through 67 of your bathroom selfies
just to find a picture of my cousin getting married.
What? I'm excited. I'm loving my new job
and loving the followers I'm getting loving my new job.
- Yesterday... - Hmm?
...Janelle Monae liked one of my photos.
Stop. I can't. Janelle Monae is so overrated.
- Oh, Nomi, don't do that. - Don't do what?
The thing you do when you think that somebody's too famous
and/or successful and you feel like
you have to cut them down to size.
Excuse me, okay?
I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a troll.
_
No?
I have strong opinions, and I share them, okay?
I mean, I'm, like, basically Gloria Steinem.
Are you really getting caught up in that stuff?
Look, social media is a legitimate tool
to affect the world.
Power to the digital people.
I never like, comment, post, retweet anything unless it
aligns with my, you know, political progressive vision.
Word. That's fire. Uh, what's your handle?
Oh, it's @Power2ThaDigitalPeople.
Blocked.
Malcolm Extra here is kind of right, though.
- Thank you. - It's a tool.
We use it to show our potential sponsors
that we're thriving out here.
You mean you use it to hide your real selves.
Excuse me?
The only way to keep your online presence clean
is to go ghost or to bury the dirt
south of page 30 on a web search.
That's why I don't use social media.
Point blank period.
Boy, please, the only reason why you're not on social media
is because literally no one cares what you are up to.
Plus there's no social network for virgin drug dealers.
Sushi Tuesday. That's fire.
What's up, crazy eyes?
Me. I'm what's up.
I got a blue check.
Dude, I'm verified!
What does that mean?
Aw, you're so sweet.
It means that I'm important enough now
that people actually need to know
that I'm the real Zoey Johnson, so kind of a big deal.
Word. That's crazy.
So, what does it mean to have two?
I couldn't believe my eyes.
There they were, two blue checks side by side
on a pristine nimbus-colored background.
I thought it was still in beta testing.
You good? You're sweating.
It's probably just a glitch.
I'm a star.
Hi, everyone. Gather around.
I have a little bit of an announcement to make.
Come on, guys.
So, as editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue,
each semester I get to hand-select one of the fellows
to shadow me through all of my day-to-day responsibilities.
And after much deliberation,
I have decided to go with...
...Zoey Johnson.
Can I have a quick word with you?
Yeah, of course.
So, congrats.
Thank you.
So I hear you are very active on social media.
Oh, yeah. Just got verified, yeah.
Right. So here's the thing to remember.
Your behavior now reflects upon Teen Vogue,
so I'm gonna tell you something
that someone told me when I was in your position.
Don't embarrass me or this office.
I can do that all by myself.
Understood?
Understood.
I knew you would. Congrats.
- Thank you. - Bye, Zoey.
Congratulations, fam.
Luca, did you hear what she said?
About my social media and me not embarrassing her?
Dude, she's watching me.
Okay, but we're always being watched.
Either it's our tablets, TVs, phones, watches,
- microwave, toasters, satellites. - Okay, Luca, I need to focus right now.
I can't risk it, you know?
This... This means too much for me,
which means I am going on...
...a social media blackout.
Whatever.
California yellowfin?
Oddly specific, and no, thanks?
To my 15,000 closest friends,
I am sorry to say we are no longer "outchea."
So I had made my Sophie's Choice...
social media or my dream fellowship.
I was gonna have to pull a Lebron in the playoffs
and go "Zero Dark Thirty"... full social media blackout.
But it's all good.
I wasn't about to risk this new life for anything.
I was finally working in fashion.
The crazy thing is, once you go off the grid,
you begin to realize how the rest of the world
really has a problem.
_
As the obvious role model of the group,
it's my duty to guide them.
Okay, guys, guys, what I'm seeing here is upsetting.
We are four people in the prime of our lives.
Shouldn't we be talking, sharing ideas or something?
Like, phones down. Come on.
Whoa, whoa, fall back, weirdo.
I am posting for political change.
I just started following this account, and all their stuff
is about prison reform and social justice,
so I'm retweeting all their stuff.
_
Nomi?
Nomi, can we get some eye contact going?
Come on. Tell me about your day.
Can't. At war.
With who?
Who do you think?
Janelle Monae?
That "Hidden Figures" bitch hit you back?
- No. - Ana, you're in on this, too?
What? I'm tired of her thinking she's hot shit
just 'cause she can count?
She needs to be put in her place.
Since when?
Trolling is the great American art form.
I mean, think about it.
We finally get to take shots at whoever we want,
whenever we want, with no repercussions.
I mean, look at our President.
He trolled his way into the White House.
Come on, Zo. You should just join us.
Nomi and I have never been closer.
Okay, I'm gonna sit this one out.
Great.
The hurdles are just a matter of form, ladies.
Your legs should move like a swan's through water.
Allow me to demonstrate.
- Oh. - Like that.
Thank you so much, Dean Parker.
Yeah, we'll be sure to remember that if we ever do the hurdles.
Happy to help. That's why they call me "the cool dean."
You teaching the ladies something new, D.P.?
You know, I actually just recently learned about something crazy.
You ever heard of a "Finsta"?
I mean, I am the cool dean, so...
why don't you give me your definition?
Well, it's a second Instagram account
that you only gave your closest peeps access to
so you can post pics of yourself partying and acting reckless.
Oh, yeah. A "Finsta."
Now, completely unrelated, I'm going to go call my wife.
Boom.
Fix your faces.
- Where did you find that? - How did you find that?
Little tip, ladies... Don't ever come after V-Digital
unless you've got an army with you.
I'm a [Bleep] computer engineer.
It had been a couple days
since I'd gone "Zero Dark Zoey,"
and I felt... great, actually.
Sure, there were a few times I wish I wasn't off the grid.
You know, that dress would make
- a killer "Outfit of the Day" post. - Oh, thank you.
Take a picture with your mind, Zoey.
It's the best way to build a memory.
- Hey, Zoey. - Hey.
Bruno Mars is here, and he wants a PB&J.
Can you make it in the kitchen and bring it to my office?
- Yeah. - Amazing.
Oh, and by the way, cut off the crusts.
I legitimately can't tell how old he is.
Okay, got it.
How old is Bruno Mars?
Aaron, we really need your help. Ana screwed up.
- What?! No, you were the one who... - Okay, we both screwed up.
We really pissed off a bunch of Janelle Monae fans.
Oh, damn. They wear their hair natural.
What does that mean?
Uh, that means they could either be completely chill about this
or black the [Bleep] out.
- That doesn't sound good. - No.
What did you do?
I told Janelle that her last album was a brick,
said that she sucked ass in "Moonlight,"
and because grain alcohol should not be legal,
I told her to shut her dick trap forever.
Hmm. All those things, huh?
And then I tweeted a comment
that, in hindsight, feels aggressively sus.
What did you say?
"Black or white, bitch. Pick a side."
Whoa! That's...
I was just talking about her choice in fashion.
You know, like the tuxedos and the monochrome look.
What did you do?
Um, I followed it up with a black middle finger emoji
and then a white middle finger emoji.
Right, right, 'cause that would be
the next logical step, right?
It felt like it at the time.
Yo, hold up. Why am I getting so many notifications?
I have 300 new followers,
and they all look like frogs for some strange reason.
- Frogs? - Yeah.
Hold on. You said you've been posting a lot of links
- lately, right? - Yeah.
Maybe double-check what you've been linking to.
Okay, I'm pretty sure I know what I was linking to,
- but whatever. - What's the verdict?
Hold on, looking here, looking here.
Oh... ohh.
Damn.
Um, okay, well,
the True American Justice Project might actually be
a, uh... It says it's an alt-right group
in favor of privatizing prisons
and "one strike, you're out" laws.
Let me see. "Immigration isn't the problem."
See?
"It's Mexican gay Muslims."
Yeah, I would double-check that next time.
Here.
Oh. Okay. We just murdered this.
Big facts.
You know we have to celebrate.
Uh, I can't. I got a thing.
Oh, what you getting into?
Got this art show, but not.
But there's music, but it's very much not about the music.
Uh, I don't really have all the details.
I'm just meeting friends.
Oh, okay, that sounds... dope.
It is in a "not dope" way.
- Have... Have fun. - Yep.
So I'd stayed off social media
and worked my ass off at my Teen Vogue fellowship.
I just needed to tell the world
this was my feeling when I handled my business.
_
And this is that feeling when you know you're screwed.
So, I had accidentally leaked a picture
of the as-yet unrevealed Fear of God Fall 2018 collection
to the entire online world,
a mistake that clearly anyone could have made.
And I was hopeful that people would have kept
that sense of perspective in mind when I got to the office.
Zoey.
What were you thinking?
Elaine, I am so sorry.
I screwed up big-time, but it was late.
I was tired, and we had just finished the preliminary layout,
- and it looked good... - Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I asked you not to embarrass me.
- Yeah. - And that's exactly what you did.
Mm-hmm.
That little selfie you posted
damaged an invaluable advertiser relationship.
And now since you basically scooped us,
we're gonna miss out on a major exclusive.
You're off my desk.
And let's be clear... I'm being very lenient here.
Yes, thank you.
Luca? You're replacing Zoey.
Come on.
There's an editorial meeting in 10 minutes.
You can take notes.
Again, I'm really sorry!
It won't happen again!
Okay, I cannot believe you have my dream job
because I made some stupid, little mistake.
I'm sorry, but I also do good work.
What?
My shit's impeccable.
Great. I had basically been demoted to coffee intern.
I was about to lose all my followers... and my mind.
- Hey, Vivek. - What's up?
There they are, the fake-ass Twinstas.
Aww, you've really been feeling yourself lately,
haven't you, V-Digital?
I really have been.
Sometimes you just got to regulate a little.
You know, let people know what time it is.
Sure. And we appreciate that.
Plus we learned a lot.
That thing about burying stuff below page 30
in the search results?
Golden.
Yeah, because no one looks below page 30.
True.
Except us.
Hey, Rod, here comes the guy who scratched your bike.
Hey, what's up, bro?
Hey, what's up, guys? How are y... Oh!
Oh, dude!
Where did you find that?
Page 31.
We may not be engineers,
but we sure do know our way around Worldstar.
Fix your face.
It's crazy. As young adults,
we were supposed to be making mistakes
so we could figure out who we were.
I can't believe I got suspended from Twitter.
Dude, I got completely kicked off.
Also, Janelle Monae, kind of an American treasure.
Right?
We let our jealousy get the best of us.
And the thing about our generation's mistakes
is that they are published for all the world to see
and written in digital ink.
And you can never know
when those mistakes can be used against you.
Yo, Aaron, you all right, man?
No, no, I am not.
I-I am the new black voice of the alt-right.
Yeah, do you know Ted Nugent follows me?
Who?
I want you to picture Satan,
but he's from Michigan and he wears a cowboy hat.
Follows me.
The bottom line is, the Internet is a minefield,
and there was just no room for error.
And for that reason,
it's hard not to resent being born into the Digital Age.
It seems like such a huge disadvantage.
Oh, oh, my God! I love this song!
- Ah, me too! - It's, um...
- What is... Wait. - Who is this now?
Oh, my God. It's literally on the tip of my tongue.
- It's the guy. - This is gonna drive me insane.
- Hold on. - Wait, no, no, no, wait!
I got it, I got it.
Relax. Relax! It's searching.
- Ah. - Oh!
And sometimes it felt like the only thing
you could really think or say about it
was "what a time to be alive."
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com