[♪ Afterhere: "All Along the Watchtower"]
♪ "There must be some kind of way out of here" ♪
♪ Said the joker to the thief ♪
♪ "There's too much confusion ♪
♪ I can't get no relief" ♪
[snaps]
♪ All along the watchtower ♪
[excited chatter]
♪ Princes kept the view ♪
Tonight, marvelous little Becky
charms her way through darkest Hampshire and beyond.
For yes, this is Vanity Fair,
a world where everyone is striving
for what is not worth having.
♪ All along the watchtower ♪
Whoo!
♪ All along the watchtower ♪
♪ Princes kept the view ♪
♪ There must be some kind of way out of here ♪
- [door opens] - [gasps]
She never washed behind her ears.
Liar.
[squeaking]
- This is my desk. - [mouse squeaking]
And that is Violet's.
I like reading, but she only likes animals.
May we receive our education now?
First we must register your attendance.
Miss Rose Crawley.
Present?
Miss Violet Crawley?
Present.
Lord Mouse of Mousingham Hall?
- Present. - [squeaking]
Rebecca Sharp?
Present.
Remember, girls,
we're all in this together.
Even Lord Mouse of Mousingham Hall?
Especially him.
Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six.
Cache cache!
We're playing hide and seek.
Ah.
Do you know that is my favorite game?
Your brother,
up to his old tricks again.
Another artful hussy, no doubt.
I am never wrong.
May I play, mademoiselle?
No, sir, you may not.
But it's Rawdon.
Oh, no, I've been dismissed, little sister,
and a gentleman must always bow
to the command of a lady.
But will you be my secret messenger?
I believe your charming governess
dropped a picture of me and my brother.
Give it back to her when she's not looking.
Now blow me a kiss to keep me going till dinner.
Father says she comes very highly recommended.
[mocking laugh] From Miss Pinkerton's
Academy for Young Ladies,
a breeding ground for fortune-hunting jades?
Perhaps in your day.
Don't try to be funny, Bute.
Sept, huit, neuf...
Are you still here? Go on, cache cache.
[in French] 21, 22,
23,
24,
25,
26,
27,
28,
29,
Good morning, miss.
30.
I'm coming!
[barking]
You're frightening my puppy!
Desist!
[laughing]
Climb aboard. Come on.
- [Gorer barking] - You see this avenue?
It's a mile long.
It's very fine.
Fine be damned.
6,000 pounds worth of timber in them there trees.
And do you know what that means?
It means that you are very rich.
It means, madam,
that every half-assed brigand in the county
thinks it's worth his while
to try it on with Sir Pitt Crawley.
Poachers, crooked agents, and bankrupt tenants.
I've put my lawyers on the lot of them.
My poor, dear papa was much given to the law.
Oh.
I've won and lost more lawsuits
than any man in England.
He had me read so many of his hopeless cases
that I've become quite the expert.
- Get up there! Get up! - [horse whinnies]
Get up!
Get out of my damn way!
Knock him down, Papa! Kill him!
[horse whinnies]
[laughing]
Crooked agents or bankrupt tenants?
Him? Him's my son and heir.
Grr!
"He"-- "He's" my son and heir,
not--not "him."
[whimpers]
And her is my prune-faced daughter-in-law.
Aunt Martha.
I suppose rich baronets
with even more lawsuits than trees
do not need to be as careful with grammar
as poor governesses must be.
If you'd like me to look at your papers...
Whoa now!
You thieving little ragamuffins!
I'll have the souls out of your nasty little body!
Come here!
I'll pull every inch of skin
off your filthy little necks
when I get my ruddy hands on you!
Are you inspecting me, Miss Crawley?
I am reading your mind.
Hmm. And what do you find there?
You're thinking that, rather than be a governess,
you can become a secretary instead.
Well, I do like to have a plan.
[giggles]
[clang]
[Bute] Bless, O Lord,
this food we are about to eat.
[Becky, whispering] Girls, stop it.
And we pray to Thee, O Lord,
that it may be good for our souls
more than our vile bodies.
[Martha] Amen.
[Bute] And if there be any poor beggar,
hungry or thirsty,
walking along the road,
O Lord, send him hither.
Amen.
And when it falls to us sinners
to pass from time to eternity...
Amen.
[All] Amen.
Will she be kind to my girls?
Goodness, Mama, your fichu's gone adrift.
[Pitt] Her is my wife,
the second Lady Crawley, Becky.
She's even dafter than the first one
that died in your bed.
That was my beloved mother, sir.
Mind you, she's not as stuck up.
I'll give her that.
- Mouton aux navets, sir. - Lovely.
[Rawdon] Ah. Mutton and turnips. Again.
They will be jealous in the barracks.
I believe it is the custom, Captain,
in decent society,
to call the dish as I have called it.
Mutton's mutton, and turnips is turnips.
But I killed that there sheep with me own hands. Here.
- Smell them. Smell. - Ohh!
I do hope that you won't be put off
by our family's country ways, Miss Sharp.
Not at all, Captain Crawley.
I find city people so shallow and heartless.
Don't you?
[Amelia] I'm so glad of your visit, Captain Dobbin.
I hope you might advise.
I know my little worries are the least of his concern,
but...
Oh, Captain Dobbin, I live in fear
that George may be called away to fight.
The war is over,
and we won.
He never answers my letters.
Perhaps I write too much.
He should be glad of every word.
Give it to my George,
with all of my love, wherever you find him.
I will write another letter to Becky.
How I hope she is among friends.
[Bute] "Vanity, vanity. All is vanity."
Thus the preacher's voice
in rebuke and mockery
of all the pursuits of earthliness.
Read on.
[Rose] "Then I saw in my dream,
"that when Christian and Faithful
"were got out to the wilderness,
they presently saw a town before them."
Very good. Violet.
[Martha] Rawdon has gone back to London.
What a relief.
Read on.
"And the name of that town is Vanity,
"and at the town there is a fair kept
called Vanity Fair."
No candles upstairs,
Miss Blunt.
And is Vanity Fair
not a very vain, wicked, and foolish place,
full of all sorts of humbug
and falseness and pretension?
No.
Yes.
[Bute] Read on.
- Oh! - Rules is rules, Miss Becky.
You must go to bed in the dark.
You pretty little hussy.
I am no hussy. I'm a Montmorency
on my mother's side.
Ooh. My lady.
We are honored. Bow down, young Horrocks.
Yaah.
Now, unless you wish for Horrocks here
to come for the candle every night,
mind and be in bed at 10:00.
Hmm.
I took the liberty of making a start
on your leases and tenancies,
and had planned in the morning
to suggest how more money might be made.
That's quite impossible in the dark.
Get her a candle, you dolt!
Get her a whole box of candles.
[laughing]
[rattling]
Aww!
[chuckling] Gammon.
Every time she creeps up on me from nowhere.
That is a godless amusement for a young female.
In France, before the Revolution,
it was thought quite an aristocratic game.
Surely the schoolroom
is where a governess should spend her days.
A secretary's day is best spent by her master's side.
A female cannot be a secretary.
Oh?
As governess plays at secretary,
what, pray, is her pupil reading?
Rose is reading a French novel,
learning the habit
of quiet, scholarly reflection.
And where is Violet?
Engaged in the study of nature.
At which endeavor it may be good for our souls to join her.
The only reason I put up with him and his horrible wife
is I has to.
Don't tell me you owe your son and heir money, too.
No, for the lawsuits and the horses and...
We should quietly drop the case against the crooked agent...
Oh, now, wait a moment.
...as he's got no money to settle it.
Don't argue, Sir Pitt. You know I'm right.
Ah. Taking charge, are we?
Well, you keep your little feet under my table.
You're more damned use than any of my family.
[muted utterance]
Blackguards and wastrels, the lot of them.
[Rawdon] After you, Osborne.
Stand back, Crawley. You're up against a master.
Ah. Perhaps I'll pick up some tips.
Damn slippery balls.
Hmm.
It's not really my game, either.
Beginner's luck.
[George] Cue's sticking.
Play again.
With pleasure.
Ah. Dob.
Just in time.
Lend me 200, will you? There's a good fellow.
Actually, no. Lend me 4.
With me, now.
Well, at least answer her letters.
She writes hundreds,
on and on.
Don't look angry.
I am very fond of Amelia.
I, uh, adore her and that sort of thing.
But you and I are supposed to be friends.
You shouldn't be always telling me off.
Go and comfort her, you rascal.
Buy her a little present.
She's damned fond of me, I know.
But hang it, Dob, where's the fun in winning a thing
if you've never had to work for it?
Do something to make her happy.
God knows it won't take much.
[gentle music plays]
[Sedley] Your father?
Is well. Thank you, sir.
Has ever been my closest friend.
No one knows it better than I, sir.
I helped him set up his business
when we were both very young.
Yes, sir. I know.
It's the hardest thing in the world,
friends growing cold.
[bell chimes]
Amelia.
Oh.
George.
Oh. What a lovely pin.
Oh, yeah. This old thing.
I shall buy you something next time I'm in town.
[giggles]
Oh, imagine Mrs. George Osborne
in a regimental lodging house,
or worse still, baking in the East Indies,
patronized by the major's wife.
I shouldn't mind if you were there.
No.
Amelia, I am determined.
I shall leave the army in a year,
and then,
then my dear little girl
shall take the place in society
to which, as my wife,
she will be entitled.
Oh, George, your wife.
[giggles]
[Amelia] And so, my dear friend, it is settled.
I shall be the happiest woman alive
married to my love,
married to the most gallant,
the most handsome...
[dinner gong]
Oh, how I wish such a happy ending
for you, too, darling Becky.
News from a friend who is flourishing?
Always so annoying.
In my day, Miss Pinkerton ran a high-class establishment
which prepared respectable young ladies to be wives,
not secretaries.
In the olden days, I'm sure everything was quite different
and much better in every way.
You are too pert, Miss Blunt,
and, I dare say, cunning, too.
Be sure I have my eye always on you.
[Pitt] Becky!
- [Gorer barking] - Becky!
Clear the decks! Heaven be damned!
Get this house straight, damn you!
And smarten yourselves up!
My sister.
Oh, sir, is the lady dead?
If only.
[gulps]
She coming here.
- [Housemaid] Oh! - [Horrocks] Clear the decks!
Gorer!
[whistles] Come on.
Hide, Lord Mousington, hide.
No more books, no more pets.
Why is everyone so frightened of her?
We love her. When she comes,
we always sew her little presents.
For she's the richest lady in the whole wide world,
and her will is not yet written.
Ahem.
Are you a princess in disguise?
You try.
Have you got a new plan?
To make Aunt Matilda fall at our feet.
Again.
[dramatic music plays]
[Martha] Disgusting.
[Horrocks] Right!
Come on, I want somebody working here!
Horrid. Upstairs, now.
[footman] My lord, the carriage at the gates.
Ahem.
My dear sister.
Ahh. The sweet smell of home.
Here's one who knows which side his damn bread's buttered.
Ohh.
My dear aunt,
welcome back to Queens Crawley.
May God in His glory be...
No sermons.
- We trust... - No scheming.
Oh, hell and damnation.
- No swearing. - [grumbles]
Good God, Rawdon,
are we really related to these dreadful people?
[Rose] Rawdon is very handsome
but awfully poor
on account of being younger than Bute.
Bute's horrid, but it's all right because he's only our half-brother.
Rawdon's a half, too.
- He's not. - He is.
- He's not. - Girls, don't be silly, please.
Bute and Rawdon had a mama who was related to the Binkies.
The Binkies?
But we only have a mama
who's an ironmonger's daughter.
So your mama has proven than anyone can rise
to be better than where they came from.
Now you're being silly.
[Bute] But should one not ask
is it not the great end of religion
and in particular the glory of Christianity
to extinguish the malignant passions,
to curb the violence, to control the appetites.
- Wine! - On arrival,
did I not make myself clear?
[muttering]
No sermons.
- Mm. - Oh.
Well, indeed so, yes.
If there is to be no decent entertainment...
Will the ladies like to withdraw?
Good God, no. The company of women
is generally abominable.
Rawdon, take me away.
[slurping]
I changed my will.
You must do with your fortune exactly as you wish.
But the Shropshire Crawleys
- are even more intolerable. - [chuckling]
You're the only one of the entire crew
who's worth a fig, my darling boy.
- [chuckling] - Ah.
Oh.
Names? Remind me.
Rose and Violet.
Since when did you hoydens learn to curtsey like ladies?
Becky taught us.
Tomorrow, Rawdon,
you and I shall discover her other talents.
[singing "Clair de Lune" In French]
Jump.
[continues singing]
And jump left.
♪ And right ♪
♪ And left around the shoulder ♪
♪ Right, left ♪
[laughing] ♪ Right around the shoulder ♪
[clapping]
What a pretty display.
I mean to do the best by your little sisters,
Captain Crawley.
He means you, not us.
My aunt requests the pleasure in the drawing room.
Ah.
[chuckles]
[piano plays]
My vulgar relatives
have not a musical bone between them, my dear.
You and I are cut from superior cloth.
For if music be the food of love...
♪ If music be the food of love ♪
♪ Sing on, sing on ♪
♪ Till I am filled ♪
♪ Am filled with joy ♪♪
Gad, Miss Sharp.
If merit had its just reward,
Miss Sharp ought to be sitting where you do,
Or indeed to be a duchess.
Well, for a radical like myself,
there ought to be no duchesses at all.
Ah, you can pretend you believe that if you like.
But I consider this particular young lady
my equal in every respect.
Your unmarriageable daughters, Bute,
might take a leaf from her book.
- [laughing] - A paragon, a jewel.
Now, a waltz.
- [chuckles] - [piano waltz]
Ah ha.
♪ Ah-ha ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ho ha ♪
Ha ha ha ha!
[barking]
[singing off-key]
[Gorer whimpering]
♪ Ee-ya ♪
- [whining] - ♪ Ho ho ho ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
Gong.
Bang the damn gong for dinner!
[clang]
- [Matilda] Rawdon. - Ah.
Dinner is served.
Aunt Matilda, may I have the great honor?
You may not.
Becky will take me in to dinner.
Aunt Matilda's cushion, quick.
And Rawdon shall carry my cushion.
Pitt, your task is to organize a ball in our honor.
I hate balls. You hate balls.
We are the only three Christians in the county, my dears.
[Amelia] Ahem.
Where the devil is my son?
George is at headquarters, Papa.
I'm sure he'll...
[clock chimes]
[ringing]
Keep still, woman.
[door opens]
Mr. George has not come in, sir.
Be damned, Mr. George.
Am I master of this house?
Dinner.
Well, what are they waiting for now?
Papa, grace.
[grunts]
O holy, righteous, and ever-present God,
we ask Thy blessing upon this food.
[Both] Amen.
Yes.
Soup?
Skin of my teeth.
Thought I was bound to be late.
You are late. Sit down.
How are we all?
Hungry.
[bell chimes]
You look pale, Miss Sedley.
It's that bell.
Just my father ringing for claret.
Miss Osborne,
have I, in some way I cannot account for,
angered your father?
He was angry with George, not you.
He used to be...
kinder.
[Mr. Osborne] You had all the advantages I never had.
Make good use of them.
Mix with the young nobility, boy.
My guinea's as good as theirs.
[George Indeed so, sir.
Though one can't carry on with these great folks
for nothing, and my purse is empty.
What I want to know, son,
is how you and that little thing
are carrying on.
It's not hard to see.
It's pretty clear we are engaged and so on.
But why shouldn't you marry higher
than a stockbroker's daughter?
[scoffs]
Didn't you order me to marry her a hundred years ago,
and ain't I a good, obedient boy?
People's fortunes change.
I'll tell you in confidence
I don't like the look of Sedley's affairs.
The man's made of money.
He's made of other people's money,
and he's invested it unwisely.
Ahh.
I'll see Amelia's 10,000 pounds in advance,
or there'll be no wedding.
I will not have a lame duck's daughter
in my family.
[door slams]
10:00 and all's well.
Yes, I do hope so.
[Bute] She drunk seven glasses of champagne,
and filthy stuff it is, too.
And cherry brandy after dinner,
and Curaçao with her coffee.
I lay 5-2 Matilda drops in a year.
[Becky singing in French]
If that young person is flirting with Rawdon again,
her virtue won't last the night.
[Becky continues singing]
[singing in French]
[plays single note]
What's that?
A false note.
[Matilda yawns]
Ah. Relatives.
- Skulking. - Intolerable.
Come, my dear, and let us abuse their company.
I have not a true friend in the whole family.
They all want my money.
Money is important only to people without quality.
What I like best
is for a poor fellow to run away with a rich girl.
It's much better the other way around:
for a rich man to marry a miller's daughter.
It makes all the fine ladies so angry.
[Matilda chuckles]
I wish some great man would run away with you,
my dear.
I'm sure you're pretty enough.
Lord, how I love all foolish marriages.
Between us, I have my heart set
on Rawdon running away with someone.
Someone rich or someone poor?
You goose.
The great handsome dandy is crippled with debts.
He has not one shilling but what I give him.
Not an idea in his head beyond his horses.
But he'll be rich when I'm gone.
Hmm.
You mustn't leave yet,
when I've only just met you.
Ohh.
[chuckles]
Ah, the little duchess.
What an honor.
I bow before you.
If your aunt really means her protestations
- about equality... - This family is doomed
and the country gone to the dogs.
You don't mind my cigar, Miss Sharp.
I love the smell.
Out of doors.
You ever tasted one?
[Rawdon chuckles]
By Jove.
What duchess would stoop to the attentions
of a mere captain?
Good night, sir.
[Miss Pinkerton] She was a student of mine, yes.
I have nothing to say in Miss Sharp's disfavor.
Her talents are considerable,
and I cannot regret
that I received her out of charity.
Charity?
Her late father was a painter.
Alas, he was...
several times bankrupt.
You shall tell me the whole truth,
Miss Pinkerton.
It will go no further.
Dissemble, and I may see to it
that no Hampshire girl
shall grace this establishment again.
Unfortunately, he was never sober.
And her mother?
Represented to me as a French countess
forced to flee the Revolutionary horrors.
But in truth?
A dancer...in the opera.
So you have sent my family
the spawn of a drunk and a harlot.
I only sought to do my Christian duty
to an unhappy outcast girl.
Whoa, boy.
[chatter]
[violin plays a lively tune]
Oh, my dear aunt.
Aw, Rawdon. Ha ha.
You must join us.
Yes.
♪ La la la la ♪
[laughing]
He's a gambler.
He's a drunkard.
He shot a man in a duel,
and he's the villain
who will inherit 50,000 of Matilda.
Husband, I have the whole thing under control.
[violin music continues]
- Ohh! - Oh.
[laughter]
Here we are.
Mama, go back to bed.
I've got my green silk on.
It's too big for you, Mama.
[applause]
[violin plays new tune]
Remember, I am never wrong.
May I have the pleasure?
You can't dance with the staff, Sir Pitt.
What would the world say?
I couldn't give a brass farthing.
- It's my house. - [chuckles]
Watch your feet, mind.
I haven't danced this century.
I still got it, though.
Whoop. Hey, hey. Ha. Ha ha ha.
My father would attempt the virtue of the kitchen cat.
You don't have to worry about him, Bute.
But what if the second Lady Crawley
were to fade away to nothing at all?
What if that is the third Lady Crawley?
My next mother.
Did I not say
I have everything under control?
[music continues]
- Excuse me, Father. - Hmm?
Thank you.
[Bute] I tell you plainly I do not like the look of this.
Let me tell you how it goes.
Rawdon will seduce her,
and she will be ruined.
Meanwhile, your jealous father will send her packing,
and Matilda...
will forget all her talk of equality
in an instant.
Some air, Miss Sharp?
Martha, you are brilliant.
[Rawdon, imitating Pitt] Oh, no, Becky!
Not so fast, not so fast!
Remember my old age! Or rather, don't,
for there's still life in me.
[both laugh]
Gad, that hopeless old fool, hmm?
He is fond of me. How is that so amusing?
I'm just giving you a fair warning.
Look out, you know.
Do you suppose that I cannot defend my honor?
Oh, yes, indeed. Gad.
Do you suppose, Captain Crawley,
that I have no self-respect
because I am poor and friendless?
Do you think, because I'm your governess,
I have not as much sense and feeling and good breeding
as you gentlefolks in Hampshire?
I'm a Montmorency, and even if I weren't...
You can do this
because you have a loving father
and I have none.
Miss Sharp.
Rebecca.
I would happily share the old boy with you.
I have never met anyone like you.
You've never met anyone without a mother,
a father, or a penny to her name.
I've never met anyone with so much life in her.
Gad.
I wouldn't hurt you for a thousand pounds.
Then you don't mean to ruin me, sir?
I mean with the utmost respect
and affection, Miss Sharp....
to kiss you.
The music's stopped.
Becky!
Becky.
Ahem.
[sobbing]
Not you! I don't want you!
Becky.
I'm dying.
No, no. Lie back. Lie back. Lie back.
[moaning]
Ohh.
I blame him.
[coughing]
My brother gives me mutton
when he knows it makes me ill.
Peace and quiet is what you need.
I'm quite a fragile creature, you know.
I can see that.
Ohh.
Sometimes I think my entire family
is trying to kill me off.
But what if you survived...
and sought your revenge?
This family won't kill you, silly.
They're all too afraid of you
and of Captain Crawley.
My valiant guardsman will protect me.
[chuckles]
Shall I take your front?
Mm.
[gentle music plays]
There.
That didn't hurt, did it?
[music continues]
[Becky] I'm so sorry I've not written to you,
my beloved Amelia,
these many months past.
But what news was there to tell at first
of the sayings and doings of Humdrum Hall?
And what do you care
whether the turnip crop is good or bad?
But, from the moment of Aunt Matilda's arrival,
I determined to make myself agreeable.
I commend you on your complete victory.
Is it not a poor governess' duty,
who has not a friend or protector in the world,
happy, happy Amelia,
who has a dear father
who will give you anything you ask for...
[Sedley] I'm sorry. I'm... I'm his business partner.
Surely he wanted to see me. We...
Papa?
[Hicks] I know, sir, I know,
but he will not see you.
My oldest friend.
There must be some mistake.
Don't let yourself down, sir. Your daughter.
Amelia, come this way.
I hope to see George.
We are not welcome.
We have no admittance.
I don't understand.
Mr. Osborne has called in all his loans.
But...
Amelia, I--I can't pay back...
Mr. Sedley, sir.
[sobbing]
I'm sorry!
It's all right, sir. Come on, please.
- Come on, sir. - I'm sorry!
♪♪♪
Oh, God!
No lame ducks.
[Matilda] My French lace handkerchiefs?
[Becky] I have them.
Laundered here, I suppose, and utterly ruined?
I washed and pressed them myself.
An angel.
Becky. Becky.
Shoo! I need a nurse
far more than you need a governess.
[Violet] Rawdon, bring her back.
I have no doubt we will be seeing
Miss Sharp again, my dear.
Dear Lord, I pray not.
[barking]
[dramatic music plays]
[Matilda] Oh. We escaped.
Miss Crawley, you should know
that my father was a martyr to strong liquor
and my mother was an opera girl.
Really?
How marvelous.
An opera girl?
[laughing]
Oh, dear.
[coughing]
[laughing, coughing]
Thank you, my dear.
[laughing]
Beware, old London town.
Miss Sharp is on her way.
[♪ Madonna: "Material Girl"]
An opera girl. [laughing]
♪ Some boys kiss me ♪
♪ Some boys hug me ♪
♪ I think they're okay ♪
♪ If they don't give me proper credit ♪
♪ I just walk away ♪
♪ 'Cause we are living ♪
♪ In a material world ♪
♪ And I am a material girl ♪
♪ You know that we are living ♪
♪ In a material world ♪
♪ And I am a material girl ♪
♪ Some boys romance ♪
♪ Some boys slow dance ♪
♪ That's all right with me ♪
♪ If they can't raise my interest ♪
♪ Then I have to let them be...