[theme song plays]
♪ One, two One, two, three, four ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
[chicken clucks]
Mmm, mmm. Good cake.
My compliments to the chef.
So, Dad, you're back.
That's right. I'm-a back.
- Hooray! - Hooray!
We have so many questions, for you, Grampa Nick.
Such as, how did you acquire that gold tooth?
- Are you a pirate? - Kids, please.
What's going on, Dad?
Eh, same as usual.
The old grind. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Dad, seriously.
I haven't seen you in years,
and suddenly you're in my house and raiding my kitchen?
I just wanted to see my grandkids, Ticket and Killer.
Interesting. I suppose drinking straight from the carton
is more efficient than using a cup.
Yeah!
Take this, cups!
- [grunts] - [Nancy] Cricket, stop.
Nyah.
Oh, hey, you kids wanna see what's under my patch?
- Yeah! - Yeah!
- Oh, my gosh. - I can't look away.
I wish I was missing an eye.
Me too.
Ugh!
You okay, Nance?
I know you don't know him that well,
but my dad has always been trouble,
and I don't want him around the kids.
[both] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
If you like, Ma and I can stick around
- and help you deal with him. - Yes.
Deal with him.
Thanks, but I know y'all need to be getting back to Big City.
Besides, he's my dad, and I'll handle him.
Well, I'll leave this here, just in case.
I think she'll be okay, Ma.
Listen, Dad, if you wanted to visit,
you should have called ahead and we could have discussed it.
But right now, ugh, you need to go home.
Yeah, about that...
Here she is... er, was.
Some schmuck burnt it down. I don't know.
It might have my loan shark, who I owe money to.
Or maybe my ex, who I left at the altar.
Or her sister, who I left with.
Hey, maybe I even left the stove on.
[laughs] Oh, man.
I can't help but find Grandpa's sordid past intriguing.
I know. He's like a mystery wrapped in a...
uh, bigger mystery!
So since my trailer's gone, guess I'll be staying with--
No, no, absolutely not.
Aw, what?
I got nowhere else to go. We're family.
Come on.
[groans]
You're not living with me,
but I'll help you find a place.
Great thinking, Nance.
But there's one problem.
I have no money.
Then we'll get you a job.
That way, you'll be able to pay for a place.
- Far away from us. - [Cricket] Hey, check it out.
You had a whole pool, and you didn't know it.
[Nancy] Kids, no!
Okay, Dad, Frank has, like, seven jobs,
so I'm sure he could use some extra help.
Now wait here, and stay out of trouble.
- Hiya, Frank-- - [phone ringing]
[Frank] You got Frank.
Doctor, lawyer, dentist, fireman, mailman,
data specialist, food health administrator, balloon artist.
You name it, I do it.
Let me put you on hold for a sec.
Hey, Nancy, what can I do you for?
- I was hoping you could-- - [baby cries]
One sec, I gotta reswaddle her.
Her mom could be here any minute.
Like I was saying,
my dad's in town and he needs a--
- [alarm blaring] - Hold that thought, Nance.
This can't wait.
4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
- Phew. That bought us some time. - What was that?
Listen, Nancy, I've got a lot of jobs.
I don't have time to explain 'em all.
Actually, that's why I'm here.
My dad needs a job,
and it seems like you could use some help?
Me? Need help?
I'm not sure what you're talking about.
Okay, then do you maybe know
anyone else who might be hiring?
Oh, my brother, Hank,
lives a few towns over in Tyneeville.
He could probably use a hand.
Really? That would be great.
Yeah, love my brother, but he's a slacker.
Can't even handle doing six jobs at once.
Turn around for me?
And that, kids, is why
you never eat a baby carrot.
'Cause it just might be your buddy Chuck's fake thumb.
- Lesson learned. - Duly noted.
So, Grandpa Nick, where have you been all these years?
Eh, couple marriages, couple divorces.
Couple states I'm no longer welcome in.
- Wow! - Wow!
But, hey, enough about me.
How's about we go and do something really fun?
- Yeah! - I'll just notify Mama.
Ah, it's fine. You'll be with me,
your grandpa.
- Eh. - Eh.
[phone line ringing]
Thanks again for putting me in touch with your brother, Frank.
And for this.
No worries, Nance. My 3:00 cancelled.
Um, I...
Oh. Hi, Hank. My name's Nancy Green.
Your brother gave me your number beca--
Frank thinks I need help, doesn't he?
Well, I do! You're hired!
Do you know anything about nuclear power?
Doesn't matter. You'll learn.
No, no, I already have a job.
It's my dad who needs one.
- He's-- - Sure, he can have a job.
Or two. Or five.
He just needs one, thank you.
And a place to live, if you know any.
In that case, he can take over as security
at the Tyneeville mattress store,
and sleep there, too.
Oh, great. I bet there are all kinds of comfy beds he'd love.
No sleeping on the merchandise!
There's a trailer out back with a hard metal cot, though.
Works for me.
Hey, Dad, I got you a job.
Dad?
Oh, no.
So, kids, for fun,
I like to let off a little steam.
Huh. You mean like doing yoga?
Or conversing with a licensed mental health professional?
Nah, I prefer to break stuff.
You think Grandpa Nick would kill us?
Probably not. I don't see the incentive.
What? You're gonna love it. Come on.
[grunts]
A-- A-- Are you sure we're not gonna get in trouble, Grandpa Nick?
[Nick] Come on, Crinkle Cut. Your turn.
If you insist.
[chuckles]
[grunts]
Slow down, buddy.
You'll graduate to cinder blocks eventually.
Here, try a brick.
I have much to learn. Whoa!
[grunts and yells]
Whoo! I've never broken anything under adult supervision before!
- Yes, you have. - Yeah, but this time
I'm not getting in trouble for it.
Come on, Nantucket. You try.
I suppose you only live once. Unless you're a cat.
Can't argue with that.
Are you ready, brother?
Less talky. More smashy!
That's the spirit, Crumpet.
- Fire! - Yeah!
I'm okay. And look, I found more bricks.
Oh, my. Wanton destruction is chicken soup for my soul.
[tires screech]
What are you doing smashing that house?
We can explain, stranger.
You didn't let me finish.
What are you doing smashing that house...
without using an ax?
Now looky, there's a lesson in this, kids.
When a fellow degenerate stumbles upon you
in a windowless van and offers to let you use his axes,
you say, "Yes, please."
What's your name, stranger?
- Dweezil! - Hi, Dweezil.
Now get over here and grab yourself an ax.
- Thank you, Dweezil. - Thank you, Dweezil.
[Nancy panting]
Wayne, have you seen Tilly or Cricket?
Cricket? Oh, right here.
[chirping]
No, not a cricket.
Cricket, my son.
Your son's a cricket?
I try not to judge folks, but that ain't right.
Ugh, never mind.
Where would my dad take them?
Oh, is your dad also a cricket?
Wayne, I'm real stressed out and--
Oh, when I get stressed,
I like to do something super fun,
like sample various kinds of mayonnaise out of the jar
and rate them on a scale of one to two.
Wait, that's it.
My dad must have taken them to go have fun.
Sweet corn beans! I know exactly where they are!
Enjoy rating mayonnaises!
Cricket? Tilly?
Kids? Huh?
- [snoring] - Dad? But where is...
[gasps] Kids!
[Nancy screams]
Huh? Wha-- What? What the-- Nancy!
You know better than to tackle a man with an ax.
It's unsafe.
I don't know what's going on here,
but this is exactly why I didn't want you back.
Mama, we were just learning proper ax handling
from this scruffy stranger we met.
Dweezil.
See? This is why you can't stay with us.
The kids could have gotten hurt under your watch.
You were a bad dad to me,
but I won't let you be a bad grandpa to them.
- Aw, Nancy, look-- - I don't wanna hear it.
Time for you to leave town.
[groans]
Here's your ticket.
Hank'll meet you at the Tyneeville station and get you all set up there.
- And, Dad. - [sighs] What?
Don't come back.
Bye, Cricket. Bye, Tilly.
[sighs] Y'all get why I had to do that, right?
Eh, not really.
Yeah, I mean, we were having fun.
Y'all don't know my dad, what he's really like.
You mean like how he makes a lot of people really angry?
Or how he'll lie to your face?
Plus, he's, like, super irresponsible.
And since he's been doing this kind of stuff your whole life,
it seems like he's never gonna change.
Uh... yes.
That's why I didn't want him around you kids.
I know he's a mess,
but it's been kinda nice getting to know him.
So he's not the best grandpa.
But we'll be okay,
because we have the best mama watching out for us.
You're right. He is a lot.
But he's the only grandpa you got,
and you should get to spend a little time with him.
And maybe you still can.
[tires squeal]
[Cricket and Tilly] Whoo-hoo!
- [train horn blaring] - [Tilly] Oh, no.
Guess that's it.
We're too late. I'm so sorry.
Apology accepted.
- Oh, what the-- - Grandpa Nick!
Back by popular demand.
Also, I kinda need a ride.
So, you didn't go to Tyneeville?
Ah, I was never gonna go.
Oh, I did manage to trade my ticket for a, uh...
Hmm. Where...
Okay, so if anyone sees a ferret...
Oh, please, Mom, can we keep him?
Or at least the ferret?
Don't you worry about me.
I'll figure out something like always.
Hmm, maybe if I sell my chest hair to a wig shop.
Oh, all right. You can stay at my house, Dad.
- [both gasp] - I want my kids
to have a relationship with their grandpa.
Oh, boy. No fooling?
You hear that, train guy? I'm staying!
No, you're banned.
I didn't mean here. Sheesh.
But I'm not putting up with any more of your antics.
Things are gonna change around here.
Change how?
[Nick grunting]
Ah, I can't believe I'm doing chores
like some kind of chore-doer.
Hey, if you don't like it, you can leave.
Jeez. Okay, okay.
Your house, your rules.
Hey, Grandpa, could you tell us another one
of your wild stories?
Hmm. Let's see.
Did I ever tell you about Rat-Face Dave?
No, but I am obviously intrigued.
So the thing about Rat-Face Dave
is that he's real sensitive about his rat face.
[Cricket and Tilly] Ooh!