1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003
[theme song plays]
2
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,433
♪ One, two
One, two, three, four ♪
3
00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:18,685
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
4
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,854
♪ La, la, la ♪
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00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,898
♪ Na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na ♪
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{\an8}♪ La, la, la, la ♪
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{\an8}[chicken clucks]
8
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Mmm, mmm. Good cake.
9
00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,619
My compliments to the chef.
10
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So, Dad, you're back.
11
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That's right. I'm-a back.
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- Hooray!
- Hooray!
13
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We have so many questions,
for you, Grampa Nick.
14
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Such as, how did you
acquire that gold tooth?
15
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- Are you a pirate?
- Kids, please.
16
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What's going on, Dad?
17
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:51,760
Eh, same as usual.
18
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The old grind.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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Dad, seriously.
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00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,890
I haven't seen you in years,
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and suddenly you're in my house
and raiding my kitchen?
22
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I just wanted to see my
grandkids, Ticket and Killer.
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Interesting. I suppose drinking
straight from the carton
24
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is more efficient than using a cup.
25
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Yeah!
26
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Take this, cups!
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- [grunts]
- [Nancy] Cricket, stop.
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Nyah.
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Oh, hey, you kids wanna see
what's under my patch?
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- Yeah!
- Yeah!
31
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- Oh, my gosh.
- I can't look away.
32
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I wish I was missing an eye.
33
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Me too.
34
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Ugh!
35
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,418
You okay, Nance?
36
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I know you don't know him that well,
37
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but my dad has always been trouble,
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and I don't want him around the kids.
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[both] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
40
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If you like, Ma and I can stick around
41
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- and help you deal with him.
- Yes.
42
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Deal with him.
43
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Thanks, but I know y'all need
to be getting back to Big City.
44
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Besides, he's my dad, and I'll handle him.
45
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Well, I'll leave this here, just in case.
46
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,776
I think she'll be okay, Ma.
47
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Listen, Dad, if you wanted to visit,
48
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you should have called ahead
and we could have discussed it.
49
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,534
But right now, ugh, you need to go home.
50
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,370
Yeah, about that...
51
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,831
Here she is... er, was.
52
00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:05,125
Some schmuck burnt it down. I don't know.
53
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,460
It might have my loan shark,
who I owe money to.
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Or maybe my ex, who I left at the altar.
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Or her sister, who I left with.
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Hey, maybe I even left the stove on.
57
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[laughs] Oh, man.
58
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I can't help but find Grandpa's
sordid past intriguing.
59
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I know. He's like
a mystery wrapped in a...
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uh, bigger mystery!
61
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So since my trailer's gone,
guess I'll be staying with--
62
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No, no, absolutely not.
63
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Aw, what?
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I got nowhere else to go. We're family.
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Come on.
66
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[groans]
67
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You're not living with me,
68
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,162
but I'll help you find a place.
69
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,538
Great thinking, Nance.
70
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:44,789
But there's one problem.
71
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I have no money.
72
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Then we'll get you a job.
73
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That way, you'll be able
to pay for a place.
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- Far away from us.
- [Cricket] Hey, check it out.
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00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:54,424
You had a whole pool,
and you didn't know it.
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[Nancy] Kids, no!
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Okay, Dad, Frank has,
like, seven jobs,
78
00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:00,555
so I'm sure he could use
some extra help.
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00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:03,308
Now wait here,
and stay out of trouble.
80
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- Hiya, Frank--
- [phone ringing]
81
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:05,727
[Frank] You got Frank.
82
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,729
Doctor, lawyer, dentist,
fireman, mailman,
83
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,522
data specialist, food health
administrator, balloon artist.
84
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You name it, I do it.
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Let me put you on hold
for a sec.
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Hey, Nancy, what can I do you for?
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- I was hoping you could--
- [baby cries]
88
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One sec, I gotta reswaddle her.
89
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Her mom could be here any minute.
90
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Like I was saying,
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my dad's in town and he needs a--
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- [alarm blaring]
- Hold that thought, Nance.
93
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This can't wait.
94
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4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
95
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- Phew. That bought us some time.
- What was that?
96
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,589
Listen, Nancy, I've got a lot of jobs.
97
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I don't have time to explain 'em all.
98
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,134
Actually, that's why I'm here.
99
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My dad needs a job,
100
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,721
and it seems like you could use some help?
101
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Me? Need help?
102
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I'm not sure what you're talking about.
103
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Okay, then do you maybe know
104
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anyone else who might be hiring?
105
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Oh, my brother, Hank,
106
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lives a few towns over in Tyneeville.
107
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He could probably use a hand.
108
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Really? That would be great.
109
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Yeah, love my brother, but he's a slacker.
110
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Can't even handle doing six jobs at once.
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Turn around for me?
112
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And that, kids, is why
113
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you never eat a baby carrot.
114
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'Cause it just might be
your buddy Chuck's fake thumb.
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- Lesson learned.
- Duly noted.
116
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So, Grandpa Nick, where have
you been all these years?
117
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Eh, couple marriages, couple divorces.
118
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Couple states I'm no longer welcome in.
119
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- Wow!
- Wow!
120
00:04:19,550 --> 00:04:21,678
But, hey, enough about me.
121
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How's about we go
and do something really fun?
122
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- Yeah!
- I'll just notify Mama.
123
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Ah, it's fine. You'll be with me,
124
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your grandpa.
125
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- Eh.
- Eh.
126
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[phone line ringing]
127
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Thanks again for putting me in
touch with your brother, Frank.
128
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And for this.
129
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No worries, Nance. My 3:00 cancelled.
130
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Um, I...
131
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Oh. Hi, Hank. My name's Nancy Green.
132
00:04:44,325 --> 00:04:46,160
Your brother gave me your number beca--
133
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,537
Frank thinks I need help, doesn't he?
134
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,414
Well, I do! You're hired!
135
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:51,124
Do you know anything about nuclear power?
136
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Doesn't matter. You'll learn.
137
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:54,585
No, no, I already have a job.
138
00:04:54,585 --> 00:04:56,087
It's my dad who needs one.
139
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- He's--
- Sure, he can have a job.
140
00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:59,173
Or two. Or five.
141
00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:00,925
He just needs one, thank you.
142
00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:02,844
And a place to live, if you know any.
143
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,554
In that case, he can
take over as security
144
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,847
at the Tyneeville
mattress store,
145
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:07,181
and sleep there, too.
146
00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:10,351
Oh, great. I bet there are
all kinds of comfy beds he'd love.
147
00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,478
No sleeping on the merchandise!
148
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,605
There's a trailer out back
with a hard metal cot, though.
149
00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,107
Works for me.
150
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:18,985
Hey, Dad, I got you a job.
151
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,236
Dad?
152
00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:21,362
Oh, no.
153
00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:23,031
So, kids, for fun,
154
00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:25,366
I like to let off
a little steam.
155
00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:27,201
Huh. You mean like doing yoga?
156
00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:29,704
Or conversing with a licensed
mental health professional?
157
00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:32,248
Nah, I prefer to break stuff.
158
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:34,042
You think Grandpa Nick
would kill us?
159
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,085
Probably not.
I don't see the incentive.
160
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,671
What? You're gonna love it.
Come on.
161
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,425
[grunts]
162
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:46,054
A-- A-- Are you sure we're not gonna get
in trouble, Grandpa Nick?
163
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,889
[Nick] Come on, Crinkle Cut. Your turn.
164
00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:49,432
If you insist.
165
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[chuckles]
166
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[grunts]
167
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,353
Slow down, buddy.
168
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,480
You'll graduate
to cinder blocks eventually.
169
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,856
Here, try a brick.
170
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,025
I have much to learn. Whoa!
171
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[grunts and yells]
172
00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:05,656
Whoo! I've never broken anything
under adult supervision before!
173
00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:07,283
- Yes, you have.
- Yeah, but this time
174
00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:08,951
I'm not getting in trouble for it.
175
00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:10,912
Come on, Nantucket. You try.
176
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:14,332
I suppose you only live once.
Unless you're a cat.
177
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,625
Can't argue with that.
178
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:16,793
Are you ready, brother?
179
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,586
Less talky. More smashy!
180
00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:20,463
That's the spirit, Crumpet.
181
00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,049
- Fire!
- Yeah!
182
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,593
I'm okay. And look,
I found more bricks.
183
00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:28,930
Oh, my. Wanton destruction
is chicken soup for my soul.
184
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,765
[tires screech]
185
00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:33,684
What are you doing
smashing that house?
186
00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,353
We can explain, stranger.
187
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:36,854
You didn't let me finish.
188
00:06:36,854 --> 00:06:39,607
What are you doing
smashing that house...
189
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:42,026
without using an ax?
190
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:44,195
Now looky,
there's a lesson in this, kids.
191
00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,447
When a fellow degenerate
stumbles upon you
192
00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:49,450
in a windowless van and offers
to let you use his axes,
193
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,702
you say, "Yes, please."
194
00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:53,204
What's your name, stranger?
195
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,540
- Dweezil!
- Hi, Dweezil.
196
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:58,543
Now get over here
and grab yourself an ax.
197
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,211
- Thank you, Dweezil.
- Thank you, Dweezil.
198
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,712
[Nancy panting]
199
00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:03,840
Wayne, have you seen Tilly or Cricket?
200
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,551
Cricket? Oh, right here.
201
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:07,718
[chirping]
202
00:07:07,718 --> 00:07:09,387
No, not a cricket.
203
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:10,638
Cricket, my son.
204
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:12,223
Your son's a cricket?
205
00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:14,892
I try not to judge folks,
but that ain't right.
206
00:07:14,892 --> 00:07:16,227
Ugh, never mind.
207
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:17,687
Where would my dad take them?
208
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,897
Oh, is your dad also a cricket?
209
00:07:19,897 --> 00:07:22,483
Wayne, I'm real stressed out and--
210
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:23,818
Oh, when I get stressed,
211
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,070
I like to do something super fun,
212
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:29,240
like sample various kinds
of mayonnaise out of the jar
213
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,534
and rate them on a scale of one to two.
214
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:32,702
Wait, that's it.
215
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:35,621
My dad must have taken them
to go have fun.
216
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:39,167
Sweet corn beans!
I know exactly where they are!
217
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,752
Enjoy rating mayonnaises!
218
00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:44,213
Cricket? Tilly?
219
00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:45,965
Kids? Huh?
220
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:47,508
- [snoring]
- Dad? But where is...
221
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:48,968
[gasps]
Kids!
222
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,596
[Nancy screams]
223
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:53,389
Huh? Wha-- What? What the-- Nancy!
224
00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:55,558
You know better than
to tackle a man with an ax.
225
00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:56,893
It's unsafe.
226
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,519
I don't know what's going on here,
227
00:07:58,519 --> 00:08:00,980
but this is exactly
why I didn't want you back.
228
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,024
Mama, we were just learning
proper ax handling
229
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:05,109
from this scruffy stranger we met.
230
00:08:05,109 --> 00:08:06,777
Dweezil.
231
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:09,238
See? This is why you can't stay with us.
232
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:11,032
The kids could have
gotten hurt under your watch.
233
00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:12,575
You were a bad dad to me,
234
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:14,994
but I won't let you
be a bad grandpa to them.
235
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:17,580
- Aw, Nancy, look--
- I don't wanna hear it.
236
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,957
Time for you to leave town.
237
00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:21,709
[groans]
238
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,087
Here's your ticket.
239
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:28,174
Hank'll meet you at the Tyneeville station
and get you all set up there.
240
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,259
- And, Dad.
- [sighs] What?
241
00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:31,802
Don't come back.
242
00:08:34,138 --> 00:08:36,474
Bye, Cricket. Bye, Tilly.
243
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,692
[sighs] Y'all get why
I had to do that, right?
244
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:48,027
Eh, not really.
245
00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:50,196
Yeah, I mean, we were having fun.
246
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:53,199
Y'all don't know my dad,
what he's really like.
247
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:56,118
You mean like how he makes
a lot of people really angry?
248
00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:57,662
Or how he'll lie to your face?
249
00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:00,039
Plus, he's, like, super irresponsible.
250
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,416
And since he's been doing this
kind of stuff your whole life,
251
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:04,252
it seems like he's never gonna change.
252
00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,420
Uh... yes.
253
00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:08,673
That's why I didn't want him
around you kids.
254
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,174
I know he's a mess,
255
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:12,385
but it's been kinda nice
getting to know him.
256
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,095
So he's not the best grandpa.
257
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:15,763
But we'll be okay,
258
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:18,683
because we have the best mama
watching out for us.
259
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,645
You're right. He is a lot.
260
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:24,313
But he's the only grandpa you got,
261
00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:27,275
and you should get to spend
a little time with him.
262
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:29,694
And maybe you still can.
263
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:31,028
[tires squeal]
264
00:09:31,028 --> 00:09:32,780
[Cricket and Tilly]
Whoo-hoo!
265
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:34,699
- [train horn blaring]
- [Tilly] Oh, no.
266
00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:36,409
Guess that's it.
267
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,578
We're too late. I'm so sorry.
268
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,288
Apology accepted.
269
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:42,248
- Oh, what the--
- Grandpa Nick!
270
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,292
Back by popular demand.
271
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:45,918
Also, I kinda need a ride.
272
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,045
So, you didn't go to Tyneeville?
273
00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:50,172
Ah, I was never gonna go.
274
00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:53,884
Oh, I did manage to trade
my ticket for a, uh...
275
00:09:53,884 --> 00:09:55,386
Hmm. Where...
276
00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:57,680
Okay, so if anyone sees a ferret...
277
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,348
Oh, please, Mom, can we keep him?
278
00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:00,975
Or at least the ferret?
279
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,435
Don't you worry about me.
280
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,604
I'll figure out something like always.
281
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:08,316
Hmm, maybe if I sell
my chest hair to a wig shop.
282
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:12,445
Oh, all right.
You can stay at my house, Dad.
283
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,238
- [both gasp]
- I want my kids
284
00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:16,324
to have a relationship with their grandpa.
285
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:18,159
Oh, boy. No fooling?
286
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:20,453
You hear that, train guy? I'm staying!
287
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,121
No, you're banned.
288
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,624
I didn't mean here. Sheesh.
289
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,460
But I'm not putting up
with any more of your antics.
290
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,879
Things are gonna change around here.
291
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:32,131
Change how?
292
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,133
[Nick grunting]
293
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,927
Ah, I can't believe I'm doing chores
294
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:38,763
like some kind of chore-doer.
295
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,556
Hey, if you don't like it, you can leave.
296
00:10:40,556 --> 00:10:42,350
Jeez. Okay, okay.
297
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,101
Your house, your rules.
298
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:46,187
Hey, Grandpa,
could you tell us another one
299
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,397
of your wild stories?
300
00:10:48,397 --> 00:10:50,274
Hmm. Let's see.
301
00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:52,693
Did I ever tell you about Rat-Face Dave?
302
00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:55,071
No, but I am obviously intrigued.
303
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:57,448
So the thing about Rat-Face Dave
304
00:10:57,448 --> 00:11:00,493
is that he's real sensitive
about his rat face.
305
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,078
[Cricket and Tilly] Ooh!