(theme music playing)
(chicken clucks)
GRAMMA: Good to be back with my family.
Now that you've joined us in the country, Ma,
I think it's time to give you and Remy
a tour of downtown Smalton.
I can't wait. Downtown Smalton sounds so cosmopolitan.
Oh, you bet it's-- whatever that word is.
Oh, we're turning onto Main Street now.
Welcome to downtown Smalton!
And... that's it.
Okay, everyone out. Stretch your legs.
- Oh, Gramma, I'm so happy -(grunts)
you came all the way out here just to visit us.
Darn tootin'. Who's going to look after y'all if I don't?
Indeed. It'll be great to have you around again.
-(stomach growling) - Sheesh.
You've been starving since I was gone?
Come on, why don't we head out
and I'll make you your favorite pie?
Actually, Gramma, you're in luck.
- We can eat here. - GRAMMA: Patti's Diner?
You're going to love it. Patti's an amazing baker.
Patti, huh?
Take it in, Remy. Welcome to Patti's Diner.
The beating heart of downtown Smalton.
It's got everything! Fine dining, live entertainment,
- fascinating locals... -(wheezing)
And there's even a gift shop!
Ooh! I've been meaning to get a country souvenir for Vasquez.
- I'm gonna go check it out. - You do you, Remy.
Should I try the triple bacon burger,
or should I go healthy and do the double bacon burger?
Gramma, you must meet the owner, Patti.
She bakes the best blueberry pie.
"The best"?
But nothing beats my classic homemade pie, right?
-(both gasp) - Booths are for paying customers only.
Patti!
Long time no see, Tilly.
You still remember our handshake?
How can I forget?
(grunting and vocalizing)
- TILLY: Oh, yeah! - PATTI: Yeah!
- TILLY: Ring, ring. - PATTI: Hello?
BOTH: Wink!
(both laugh)
It's good to see the Green family again.
And pardon my manners. Tilly, I didn't know
you had a twin sister.
(chuckles) Oh, Patti, this is my gramma.
You've got some wonderful grandkids.
Can I arm wrestle you for them? Ha! I'm just kidding.
GRAMMA: I will destroy this woman.
All right, lay it on me. What are we eating today?
I'll start. I think I'll try the--
Uhp-bup-bup! Wayne!
As soon as I saw you all come in,
I went ahead and started making your usual.
An open-faced liverwurst sandwich, extra cold.
Oh, my usual. (chuckles)
You remembered.
You have a "usual"? I want one!
Hey, Patti Cakes. My usual, please.
You don't have a usual.
And if you ever call me "Patti Cakes" again,
you never will.
Okay, what else we havin'?
-(stomach growls) - That's tummy talk
for one slice of blueberry pie, please.
Ah, starting with dessert. I love it.
Miss Patti, another customer just ordered
the last slice of blueberry pie.
Ain't that a shame?
Well, let's go home
and I'll whip you up your favorite.
Oh, heck. For you, Tilly,
I'll bake a new pie from scratch.
Splendid. It'll be worth the wait.
And what can I get for you, ma'am?
I've lost my appetite.
And I'll have the meat-wich, aka, my "usual."
Got it. One meat-wich coming right up.
(scoffs) It's not a usual if she has to write it down.
Son, having a usual isn't all it's cracked up to be.
When I first came here, I ordered a liverwurst sandwich,
and I never had the heart to tell Patti I hated it.
They just kept coming and coming.
Now I'm locked in.
Well, I'd be upset, too, if my usual was liverwurst,
but a meat-wich is meat-tastic.
- I'll be fine. - Sure you will, son.
Sure you will.
REMY: Ah, let's see.
Valentino, Vance, Vanessa, Vosco.
What? No Vasquez?
Darn! Well, no matter.
There's plenty of stuff here for me to choose from.
I'm sure I'll find the perfect gift for Vasquez.
Hmm.
This keychain is perfect for holding my keys.
(groans)
This mug is perfect for holding liquids.
(groans louder)
This pen is perfect for defending you from bad guys.
Hyah! (grunts)
Oh! There are just too many good choices!
Here you go. One meat-wich.
Mm. My usual looks mighty fine.
And, Tilly, I'm going to get started on your blueberry pie.
Oh, I can hardly wait.
Patti's pies are nothing short of a spiritual experience.
She might just be my favorite baker.
Your favorite baker? Huh.
You know, since you love her pie so much,
I'm, uh, gonna go see how she does it.
They're gonna be friends.
Wayne, you seen my rolling pin?
-(loud bang) - Huh?
I don't know you, and I don't like you.
- Okay. - Now my Tilly seems to be mistaken
- about who makes the best pie. - Okay.
So I challenge you to a pie bake off!
Then we'll see whose pie she likes more.
Are you sure you want to challenge me?
The only reason you won all them competitions
is because I wasn't there.
But I'm here now, so preheat your oven!
You're on.
(gagging)
How's your usual treating you, sir?
-(groaning) So good. - I'll leave you to it, then.
Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you going to ask me about my usual?
I've never seen you order a usual.
In fact, I've never seen you.
I'm new. My name's Wayne.
Well, then, (sighs) Wayne.
It's short for "Duh-wayne."
Right. I'll have another meat-wich, aka, my usual.
- One... meat... - Ah, ah, ah!
The whole point of a usual
is that you don't have to write it down.
You just remember what I want.
Don't. Don't write it.
Wayne...
(stammers)
I'm just gonna draw a picture.
-(groans) - Look, man, you're confused.
Just think: meat-wich. Meat-wich.
Which meat? Meat-wich! Got it?!
- Okay. - Great.
Is he gone?
I got to get this out of my mouth.
-(gags) - Gross, Dad.
Gotta get that crust nice and flaky,
just the way Tilly likes it.
(grunts)
Aw, blort. She's a pie-makin' machine.
Oh, Tilly, you deserve the best pie
to fill your empty little tum-tum.
I wish I could compete.
And I will, because I make Tilly's
favorite pie and she needs me! I hope.
You're gonna keep mumbling to yourself,
or are you actually going to bake?
I'd be more concerned about
that shabby crimping technique you got going on.
Clearly, you don't know what you're talking about,
given that you're practically juicing those berries.
You ain't never had a juicy pie?
(scoffs) You can talk all you want,
but we'll see who's really the best.
-(bell dings) - Sure will,
because it's time to put these babies in the oven.
(groans) Need pie.
I feel you, sister.
I can't believe I'm still waiting for my second usual.
- Where's Wayne? - WAYNE: Here.
-(gasps) - So, uh, don't get mad or nothing,
but I was having trouble remembering your usual.
It just flew right out of my head.
I tried thinking of what you said,
something about which meat... which is the meat--
The meat-wich, Wayne!
I couldn't remember, so I brought you this!
- Wayne! - Son, be patient with him.
That's the face of a man who's doing the best he can.
I'm sorry. I'm afraid my brain
can't hold nothing more than a tune.
Oh, "a tune"? Like a song? That's perfect.
Maybe this little diddy will help
you remember my usual.
♪ Meat-wich! Meat-wich Turkey and pastrami ♪
♪ Roast beef and salami It's a taste tsunami ♪
♪ Only someone delusional Wouldn't know it's my usual ♪
♪ Meat-wich! Meat-wich Turkey and pastrami ♪
-♪ Roast beef and salami ♪ -♪ It's a taste tsunami ♪
♪ Only someone delusional Wouldn't know it's my usual ♪
- Yeah! - Wait, where'd Wayne go?
Meat-wich! Meat-wich, only someone delusional
wouldn't know it's your usual.
Thank you for helping me remember.
(whimpering)
Ahh...!
Cricket Green has a usual!
Yeah!
Okay. Since I can't decide on what souvenir
Vasquez would like the most,
I have decided to buy everything!
Do you offer gift-wrapping service?
(timer rings)
Well, Patti Cakes, you played a good game,
but it looks like it's all over.
(sniffs) Now that's a smell of victory.
Nice effort, but, uh, here's the real masterpiece.
Yeah, well, looks are only crusty.
Here, try it for yourself.
Mm. (gasps)
♪ Pie-pie-pie! ♪
Oh, wow!
Ahh! (grunts) Where am I?
Did you leave your body and go to Pie Valhalla?
My baking seems to do that to folks.
This is bad. If Tilly compares our two pies,
she's never gonna need me to bake for her again.
So... I can't let Tilly eat that pie!
- I'm gonna smash that pie! - I will break you, woman!
(grunting)
Yahh!
(grunts) Oh.
Ha! You're gonna have to do better than that
if you want to beat... Uh-oh.
- Yahh! -(grunts)
-(grunting) - SAUL: My water!
Gramma? Patti? What are you doing?
(gasps) Tilly! I challenged Patti to a pie-off
because you were gushing about how good hers was.
But I make your favorite sweets,
and I'm the one who's supposed to provide for ya.
You like my pie better, don't you?
Uh, Gramma...
Hey, guys, do you think we have room
in the Kludge for all of this?
Whoa! Oh, no!
The pie!
Yahh!
You sacrificed your pie... to save mine?
I'll be honest. I got jealous
when Tilly said you were her favorite baker.
She's out here in the country now,
and things are changing,
and I was scared she wouldn't need me anymore.
But regardless, she deserves her favorite pie.
Oh, Gramma, I'll always need you.
Huh?
You don't have to bake my favorite pie
to be my favorite Gramma. I love you.
Well, now that we all agree my pie is the best,
why don't you all dig in?
- ALL: Yeah! - Swell.
Not you, Wayne.
TILLY: Ow, ow! Help! (chuckles) Just kiddin'.
Here you go, Tilly.
I cut you a piece with your eyeball.
Thank you, Gramma.
Oh, I love pie.
Tell you the truth, two meat-wiches was too many.
I'm pretty over my usual.
Uh-uh! There's no way
I'm letting you eat dessert before you clean your plate.
BILL: I tried to tell you, son.
Having a usual is a prison with no escape.
And now we're in it together.
(evil laughter)
(evil laughter continues)