-[wind whistling] -[gentle music]
[static crackling]
-[DJ] So, Ms. Bellow-- -[Eryn] No relation.
[DJ] That was my first question, beat me to it.
Big reading you have ahead of yourself
-at Book Smart Downtown later today?
[Eryn] Yeah, that is the sentence.
[DJ] Well, I don't think it'll be that bad. Book readings aren't known to end
with the audience eating the author.
[Eryn] Oh, [chuckles] but I do like that visual.
Someone trying to appease a room full of cannibals with chick lit.
I mean, I can't say that's the best category or the strongest genre to tackle
-that sort of room, but... -[DJ] Well, if not chick lit,
what genre do you consider yourself?
[Eryn] I don't know, I guess I don't like to be tied down.
Categories are for agents and bookstores
as a shortcut when your job is selling books all day long.
[Carrie laughing]
You know, readers alphabeticalize.
We look at books differently.
They influence and authors end up pigeonholed.
I mean the moral of the story is the good life is reserved for the readers.
Explore the store, have fun, be curious.
[DJ] Uh huh, so is irony your favorite?
[Eryn] Well, the madness is, in today's world, no one can know anymore.
[Eryn laughs maniacally]
-Seriously? -[DJ] Well, what you say--
It sounds like you're having a meltdown.
If you let them think you're crazy,
they're going to think that I'm crazy.
And if I'm crazy, I can't help you.
I can't even help me myself and we both lose.
-Whoa! -[tires screeching]
What the-- What was that about?
[DJ] Well, that sounds like work.
[Eryn] It's less work than social media.
I mean, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, those are work.
But if people scroll and scroll all day long,
I mean even when they're in movies that they paid to see
or with people that they love,
it's like get off your phones!
If we had a way to track how many words people read on average today,
I bet you it's more than War and Peace cover to cover
worth of scrolling every year.
Which, you know, when you think about it, it's actually really impressive.
You hand someone a 1,000 or a 1,300-page book, tell them to take a year,
for some reason, they get scared.
It only works out to about five pages a day, by the way.
[DJ] But people read 280 characters at a time.
[Eryn] Well, no, read one sentence at a time.
So I said to him post-postmodernism is so over. Come on, tricks are for kids.
-Can you write something truthful for God sakes? -[Eryn laughing]
Also, and I'm going to have to use some pictures from you. I got to give something
to the publisher. Nobody's writing blank million dollar checks anymore.
-[phone buzzing] -Oh, I'm sorry, do you mind?
No, not at all. I'm just going to be down there.
-Okay, okay. -[soft classical music]
Carrie here.
No, you listen to me first!
My client said he hates fucking three of them, his words!
Well, did your stupid artist even read
what the title of the book is?
No, no, no, no, he's done this before to me!
When I see him, I'm going to personally strangle him.
Oh, so I'll strangle his attorney, too.
[joyful music]
[librarian] Oh, that's a fun one.
Written in high school, published years later.
Pretty pure stuff.
They went no picture.
And it didn't matter, still did well.
Better when that happens.
Did you like it?
It's an authentic debut.
We'll see when the next one shows up here.
They all do.
You make this place sound like it's a pound.
Well, some do tend to get adopted quicker than others.
[Eryn chuckles]
Thank you.
[people chattering]
[Carrie] I don't like that cover.
It's all wrong!
Why?
Because [laughs] it appears
as if you're trying to overcompensate
for the sentences and the book -deserves better than that.
[Rand] Hey, listen I usually only check voicemail twice a day when taking a dump
on a good day. If you think I'm an animal,
you're the one still leaving me voicemail, text.
Hey, you know what? I think we got a bestseller!
Well, they haven't read it yet and half of them haven't even bought it yet, so.
All right, so can you please be in the moment
and appreciate how special this all is?
Just try and put on your happy face.
-Turn the frown upside down. -Mm-hmm [chuckles].
And, also, do not talk anyone out of buying the book.
-I know, I know. -Thank you, thank you.
[crowd applauding]
Hi, there. Actually super disappointed
this mic doesn't have any feedback on it.
Going to have to break the ice myself now.
[crowd laughing]
So, guess this is what an AA meeting feels like.
[crowd laughing]
I'm Eryn Bellow.
I've been in sentence construction
for over a decade now.
I hope this adds something.
-Hey, I really love what you wrote. -Oh, thanks.
But do you get some kind of thrill out of trying to hurt us with the story?
Um...
I'm asking out here because I figured you wouldn't want me
-to ask in there with everyone. -Right.
Well, it's not being done at you.
I guess, I thought we were
just trying to work on something together.
[Carrie] Eryn, come on, come on!
If you don't like it, you can walk away, right?
But thank you for coming.
[soft upbeat music]
Thank you. [sighs]
Sweetie, just wanted to tell you,
you were great, great today!
No, no, no, I just, I thought were you coming.
Oh, no, you know, I have this [stutters]
such a boring dinner with my boss and the three amigos.
You can come, welcome to join.
No, I'm good.
-[chuckles] -Smart you.
[phone ringing]
-Hi. -[Eryn] Hi.
-How you doing? -[Eryn] Tired, long day.
Yeah, tell me about it. How'd it go?
-[Eryn] It was good. -Yeah, what'd you read?
Same old.
Good old Misnomer, the rant
about words bouncing off their target.
[chuckles] Yeah, at least when code doesn't work,
I get instant feedback when the app crashes.
God, that sounds so good.
I get it down and then I've got to wait ten years
to see if it mattered.
Not if you win a Pulitzer.
Right, name the last five winners.
Anyway, listen.
There's a reason that I wanted to video chat with you.
Oh, yeah?
Well, look what I was just eyeing.
Keli Onherback romp is not Kosher, yowza!
Oh, all right, yeah.
I don't know if, uh, hey, I don't know
if that's funny or offensive.
Anyways.
Yeah, anyway.
I, seriously, I want you to say hi to Lacey.
-What? -Now, hear me out. Hear me out.
-What is, what is she doing there? -She showed up here.
I told her right away that I was completely uncomfortable with it.
-Yeah, yeah, me, too. -See, the thing is that's why
I was putting this all out in the open because I don't want you to think that
I'm hiding anything because there's nothing to hide here.
Wait, so why are you saying all that like that?
[Rand] Because she showed up. She wanted to talk.
-About? -Not about that.
About moving, missing us.
About how we made a mistake?
Maybe.
Why didn't you answer when I called earlier?
Because we were talking.
[-Eryn] Right, I want to talk to her. -Yeah, good.
That's why I wanted to video chat with you
because that way you can just go ahead
and say whatever, say whatever, say whatever
you want to say.
Here.
Hi, Eryn.
Hi.
-You okay? -Yeah. No, yeah, I'm good.
It's just, it's been rough.
[chuckles]
Yeah, are you drinking a beer?
-Yeah. -So, what you just popped by?
I don't think I'm going to be here when you get back.
Right, well, I have a meeting tomorrow,
but I should be back in a day or two.
No, well, with the way they've been flying you around.
Look, you're moving, Lacey. No one's dying.
-Yeah, I know. I'm just, I don't know. -[beer sloshing]
Anyway, I got to head out.
[gentle music]
Okay, let me call you back?
Wait, what, why?
Well, what, you want me to put you on the windowsill,
so you can watch her out?
Fine, call me back.
Okay.
[siren faintly wailing]
-[phone ringing] -[Eryn grunting]
Shit!
Hello?
[gentle music]
I'll be down in a minute.
Oh, God.
[Eryn grunting]
So just tell him to go fuck himself.
And then when he realizes I don't like fucking myself,
I want you to do it for me,
then, you will get Theo back.
Do it!
-This is all day. -God.
[lively music]
Okay.
[Carrie] All right.
What is this?
Oh, it's a hangover cure.
The best, the best.
Hi, there, the usual.
-[blender whirring] -[knife clacking]
-[ice clattering] -[fruit plopping]
[blender whirring]
-Here. -I just need a macchiato.
No, no, this is much better. It's a plant-based straw,
and I'll take the usual, too.
[moving to upbeat music]
[elevator bell ringing]
I don't know, should I be worried?
I mean, is this some kind of a drinking problem?
[Eryn] Nnn nnn.
-Hi, good morning. -Yes, hi.
Yes, I'm here with Eryn.
Uh... Yes, I have you here, Mrs.?
Yes, yes.
Mrs. Yes, right.
Mr. Williams is telling me that we need to wait
until Ms. Freeman is ready.
Oh, how long is that going to be?
She's usually 10 minutes behind. -[Carrie scoffs]
You know what? That is actually probably going to be better for us
'cause I, it's like a literal ball and chain.
Shame, shame!
-[Eryn sighs] -Are you going to be okay for this meeting?
Please don't yell at me.
-[office staff chattering] -[phones ringing]
[Gregg] Hey, Carrie, we're ready.
Doubtful.
Hi, Eryn, I'm Gregg.
Okay. [sighs]
[Ms. Freeman] So, Eryn, congratulations on your novel.
I love where it took me.
Such a departure from your debut.
And I want to thank you both for coming here and making time for us
because I know that you're at the end of your trip.
And, a little birdie told me that you had been
taking other production meetings thus far,
so I know that you have choices, options.
I also heard something about a series?
Yes, well, that's why we're interested
in hearing what you all have to say
because I'm interested in getting on with lunch.
Lunch? Oh, well, who are you lunching with?
With Eryn.
[Ms. Freeman] Ah!
-Probably not eating. -86 it.
We're thinking of Cruise for the lead.
-But the antagonist is 25. -[Eryn coughing]
I happen to know Tom Cruise very well and I think if he wants to do it,
-we can age him down. -Hmm, so it wouldn't be the character that changes.
It would be the actor.
Having him play 25 again would be a great press move
and I think it would up the value of the project
to twofold if not more.
[Carrie] Mmm hmm, mmm hmm.
-Wait, who's that? -[phone vibrates]
-It's me! -[Eryn shrieks]
Hey! Down, sit down!
You wanted me to give her the risky business, right?
-Did we offend her? -No, no, no.
She's just a little under the weather.
But I'm sure that she'll feel much better
if you can get your offer into the mid-sixes.
-[Gregg laughing] -[Ms. Freeman coughs]
So, I'll be off.
Good day.
-Fire that little brat! -You're fired.
[birds chirping]
This is so good.
-How do you know? -How do I know?
That bottle cost a hundred bucks, that's how I know.
[Eryn chuckles]
Mmm, oh!
Now, they told me that you opted out for tomorrow's meeting
because you want to take the red-eye home?
Yeah, I feel like you don't need my help picking
who's going to fuck it up the least.
Well, you got that right.
I got stuff I got to get home to.
-Writing? -Maybe.
Come on now, you know, I don't want to be a pain in the ass,
but there is a deadline on the horizon
-and I know I don't need to remind you. -Yeah, no, I know, I know.
I just, I've got some ideas that I'm noodling.
Oh, good, good!
-Good, good, good, what? -Yeah.
I'm still working on them, so I don't want to--
-Thank you. -Thank you.
You can tell me, friend to friend.
Okay, so I'm thinking it's a sci-fi
set in the '90s with rap music.
-Oh, no. -[Eryn] What?
-No, no, no. -No, why?
No, because historical sci-fi doesn't work
unless you happen to be steampunk.
Wait, so we call this gangster-steam.
Nobody reads steampunk
except for the few people that read steampunk.
Okay.
No, it's not okay.
The publisher offered you
mid-six figures advance.
That tells you that they want a lot of people
to read your books, not just those people.
What do you mean those people?
What do you mean, what do you mean?
You know what I mean.
It's such a small demographic.
It's a niche demographic.
-That's a thing! -Niche, shmiche.
Okay, it's a road trip story.
Two best friends are going to Argentina,
except they can't go to the next country
until they have sex with someone in the country that they're in.
It's Country Country, Bang Bang!
Oh, I don't know.
Come up with something else.
That doesn't singe me like that dress.
Sibling rivalry drama, brother and sister.
They're both in love with the same girl.
Believe it or not, I heard a very similar pitch last week.
-What? -Same snatch, different day.
How about this? A coalition of religious leaders discovers the cure to cancer
which reinstores value in modern faith
only to reveal the science behind the coalition.
I got Tiger Portal to move up, so you should stay 'til tomorrow.
-[scoffs] What, you didn't like those guys today? -We could get more.
Well, what about a remake?
That goes fast and then you won't get writer's block.
Yeah, especially if I'm plagiarizing.
No, we wouldn't do it like that.
I just want something that's quick.
Something honest, something truthful.
Well, I need to have something that I feel like is worth the paper.
It's not being printed.
-It's on digital. -Oh, my God!
It's like an old-fashioned detective story,
but the detective is an amnesiac
and the criminal has a photographic memory.
You know, there is a Swedish fairy tale
that I've always loved,
The Prince Without a Shadow.
We want something that people actually know.
People know fairy tales.
Not Swedish ones, honey, not even the Swedes.
The poster had nothing to do with the story.
Well, at least they knew chartreuse was green.
The Salem witch trials,
but set in modern day.
Why don't you do a memoir?
-That's a good idea. -What, no!
'Cause then you could write about what you know.
I'm not even 30, that's stupid.
And they want to sell it in the US.
Nobody here is going to want a fairy tale
that doesn't have a happy ending. You can thank Disney for that.
What about a bunch of girls, all tweens--
No, I hate it. I haven't even heard it and I hate it.
[Carrie] Well, that's all I had. I thought you'd come up with the rest.
-A remake is a chance to set the record straight. -Pass.
-Why? -Because it's not what they want.
-Well, what do they want? -They want something that they already like.
-Oh, my... -You don't want to wait until somebody salacious comes along
and writes his own version of it.
And you know that they will, and they always make money at it.
There's used bookstores just filled with whole sections of that crap.
-Memoir, it's terrifying no matter who writes it. -Thank you.
-Here's your macchiato. -It's probably better it's not me.
[phone clicking]
I'm always struck by that responsibility
that the writer has because they have such power
and, as we know, with great power
-comes great responsibility. -[Gwen] Yes, indeed.
You have the power to determine the fates
of everyone in this world that you've created.
It is the power that we all lack in our own universe,
but the writer completely controls in his universe.
[plane engine whirring]
[flight attendant] Ladies and gentlemen, we are preparing the cabin for landing.
Please place your seats and tray tables
in the upright position and we'll be on the ground shortly.
Thank you for flying with us and have a nice day.
[soft rhythmic music]
[plane roaring]
[quirky music]
¶ So good how you call my shit The blue chip ¶
¶ Tell me what you want You want to tap it like that ¶
¶ You want To smack it like that ¶
¶ Bitch don't worry This right here is durable ¶
¶ Stay energized And I go on and on ¶
¶ Turn on the genuine ¶
[Eryn sighs]
Oh, you look so good.
Thank you, so do you.
[sighs] Wow, it's been a while.
Yeah.
Thank you.
It certainly feels like it.
[people chattering]
-So.. -So?
-Are they going to adapt it? -Um...
I don't know, I guess I'd prefer that they didn't.
Oh, come on, what about the fatty check that'll pay off the new house before escrow closes?
Yeah, I'm not sure I'm going to go through with that.
I thought you said your bungalow wasn't big enough for the two of you?
Are you guys breaking up?
Are--
Did you guys sleep together the other night?
No.
No, I just wanted to say goodbye in person.
I didn't know I'm not allowed over unless you're home now.
-It's not that. -You know what?
Maybe you were right.
Sleeping together was a mistake.
Yeah, I just thought maybe they'll get it out of their system while I'm around.
And now I'm moving.
So what?
So you won't have to worry.
[intense music]
[banging on the door]
[Eryn sighing]
Rand.
[sighs]
[lighthearted music]
[Eryn grunting]
Ow.
Rand!
[intense music]
Okay, ow, no!
[grunting]
Okay, okay.
[grunting]
Damn it!
Okay, okay.
Rand?
[gentle music]
[keys clattering]
Oh, Jesus.
[ironing board clattering]
Ow.
[sighing]
So you're seriously you're not going to believe me?
Eryn, we didn't do anything.
I just need you to help me pack my stuff in the morning.
I mean, could you at least go sleep on the bed?
No, I can't.
Well, now you don't have to get rid of this place.
I always gonna miss it.
I don't know how you could be so illogical!
Well, that's why you write code and I write prose.
[birds cawing]
I hope that in time you realize
I was telling you the truth.
The way you remember it
or the way it actually happened?
[somber music]
[birds chirping]
[sighs]
-[moving to lively music] -[keyboard clacking]
Through, straighten the back leg.
Very slowly press down to the left leg.
[keyboard clacking]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
No.
No!
No! [screams]
Inhale with the right leg parallel to the Earth.
Then you go through the right foot through the palms. Stay--
[sputtering]
[groaning]
[grunting]
[buzzing]
-You're kidding me. -I'm hardly a kidder. I'm earnest.
That's probably not the right word.
Um, fine, I will take one of these.
We're closed.
Ring it up in the morning.
-That bag is $24. -What?
[lively music]
[sighing]
[keyboard clacking]
[giggling]
[keyboard clacking]
[sighs]
Never hire that asshole actor.
-[message alert] -Whoop. Okay.
Carry on.
Get back.
Print the pages, print the pages.
Where's the rest?
Oh, God.
[Kate] I have Eryn on two.
She can't wait to talk to you.
I'll go get your Xanax.
[phone beeping]
-Hey. -So?
[Carrie] There's nine pages.
-Yeah. -That's it?
I just wanted you to get an idea
of what track I was on.
-So, there's no more? -No.
-Okay, good. -Just good?
No, the pages suck, honey.
Well, I thought you wanted me to write a memoir?
It's so depressing.
Thank you.
[Carrie] Sorry.
I mean, it's a little bit embellished.
Look, you can't purposely set out
to write a fake memoir.
Well, at least I'm being upfront about it.
It's like I dare you to find the truth in it.
Okay, you know what, forget the memoir.
I'll get a biographer.
You'll have full approval,
-and profit participation. -What?
Sweetie, you got to get used to the idea that you're a public figure.
-You're a brand, people know you. -Are you telling me
the only thing you don't want me to write about is me?
Yes. No fake memoirs.
No Nordic fairy tales.
No gangster-punk.
Something else, fast!
The publishers are waiting for pages.
And if they don't get them soon, they're going to sit their asses down and write you a letter
in the language that they love most, legalese.
Think about it. Bye.
-[dial tone humming] -[phones ringing]
[sighs]
[sighing]
[on radio] Welcome, welcome to the autumnal edition of BookWorm.
I'm your host, Will Foresight. I'll be sharing these five or so megabytes
with the critic for Califoreigner Monthly, Theo Mencken.
-Theo, welcome. -[Theo] Thanks for--
[light knocking]
[door clattering]
It's open.
Oh, in paperback.
[Eryn] [chuckles] Your very own.
-[laughing] Oh. -[Eryn] Hi, Nana.
Oh, I still like this one best.
Doesn't give you a clue what's on the inside,
which makes me curious.
That's why I love you.
We'll be discussing a number of topics
today including readership going up,
the return of long form.
But first, something we were discussing
before we started recording and I said, Theo, hold on.
This is good stuff.
Save it for the podcast.
Are you seeing anyone?
-Nana. -You should be.
-Well, so should you. -I am.
And if you were around more, you'd know that.
[phone vibrating]
It's much better for me
to talk about my great grandkids than it is
to listen to somebody else talk about their uncle.
Nana.
You need to visit more.
I have, like, zero time.
You make of time what you want.
And if you don't make time, young lady,
I'm going to tell this journalist, or whoever,
that you were selling drugs in high school.
Don't you dare.
[laughing]
Don't you dare.
So, a few minutes ago, you were espousing
on a new theory on young adult readers?
Yes. Who are they, these young adults?
It's code for easy.
Adults get to feel young again
and the young get a taste of the sourness
that awaits them as adults.
It's easy, moves fast, and no big words.
Well, I got news for you, pizza can be great,
-but they don't award Michelin stars to pizzerias. -[Will] No.
[Theo] Simply because it will never be the greatest meal in the world.
And what about Eryn Bellow?
Well, who gives a shit?
[Will] [chuckles] Wait, why?
[Theo] Well, she's inauthentic.
She's trying to decode and decipher our world
from the position of a quarter-life crisis.
That her publishers sell her on her last name
where like she's in the category of O'Conner,
or a little Rand.
Well, pardon me, but I'm not buying.
[Will] Why?
[Theo] [sighs] Well, she's about as erudite
as my five-year-old showing off her new dive,
but unlike my child, she doesn't belly flop.
She misses the goddamn pool.
And the concrete is hard especially from those heights.
What are you looking at me like that for? What, what--
-That doesn't seem fair. -What's the worst that's going to happen to her, a concussion?
She'll live, hopefully with enough amnesia to forget writing.
[birds chirping]
[phone ringing]
[sighing]
It's a bit early, don't you think?
Well, hello to you, too.
It's earlier here.
I'm allowed to be cranky.
Are you okay?
Yeah, no, there's a really nice soft bush
outside the window of my one-story balcony.
I don't own any rope, and I don't cook enough
to keep my knives sharp, so--
All right, listen, you got to go
-to Los Angeles right away. -Why?
-Because I booked you on Perspective. -Why?
Because I want you to shut those critics up
and I want you to set it straight
and tell everybody your story.
Now, you'll be flying on my expense account.
While you're at it, my husband never shuts up
about this Korean-Persian restaurant.
I said it's Asian fusion.
It's not the [indistinct] of course,
but I'm dying to have you try--
Fine.
¶ Money that pop in that boy ¶
¶ Go ahead and gag ¶
¶ My kicks are flawless I live by my rules ¶
¶ No doubt I am lawless Don't matter them haters ¶
¶ Them chicks is just mad You bitches washed up
¶ Just like Trinidad But we want to party ¶
¶ Their chicks at my brother's Is me and my woes ¶
¶ Sexy is this Thick as a bitch ¶
¶ Smart as a what? Sexy as fuck So we make it hot ¶
¶ For these chicks to keep up ¶
¶ Buzz it's time ¶
¶ For you to step up ¶
¶ Walk up then Make like she love me ¶
¶ But like oh, my ¶
¶ Flies, hell ¶
[Nana clears throat]
Can you help set the table?
Dinner's ready.
Of course.
You should go.
Trips always shake things up.
Good for Ulysses.
[tense orchestral music]
[plane roaring]
People, five minutes.
You can do me up.
Keep going, don't be scared of me.
[woman] It's Vivian Mosswood.
Oh, she's my favorite designer, British.
Oh, on set.
Hey, Jessica.
You look amazing.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
-You know, I loved Misnomer. -Oh.
Incredible length. How did you get all that in there?
Thank you so much. That means the world to be coming from you.
I tore through Trophy Life. I mean, I finished it in the middle of the night.
Caffeine did not even cross my mind once.
Oh, my God. The faster you turn them, the happier they are.
You know, I just get afraid for when the page scrolling metrics start shoving up,
-tracking how fast people scroll. -Right?
They'll throw that back in our faces.
So-and-so gets them to read them at 400 words per minute.
[Eryn] Yeah, so no big words.
And just a list of actions. [laughs]
I mean, I, for one, would love it if you did some sort of,
like, cool, mass market paperback.
I do love it when a book
can fit into my back pocket.
Right, I love that.
So good to see you.
[Eryn] So good to see you, too.
Thank you so much for coming on the show.
We never thought we could get you on.
Pleasure to meet you in person.
Put a face to the page proofs.
Oh, I never realize you you covered that genre.
I've been doing literary for years.
All right, shall we all be seated, yes?
[static buzzing]
[TV announcer] What famous singer is on...
[Nana grunting]
[announcer mumbling]
She was so pleasant, pleasant.
[Nana clapping]
Please hurry, please, please hurry.
[studio crew] And three, two, one.
Good evening and welcome to The Writer Perspective. I'm your host, Gwen Ginsberg.
-I can't keep-- -Excuse me, Carrie, clients are on.
All right. Can you please do something?
Joining me on the stage, Jessica Morrison.
Most famous for Writes A Wrong,
but most recently, Trophy Life.
[Gwen] And then--
[Nana sighs]
[Gwen mumbling]
And author and screenwriter
of Everyone Loves Buffoons, Theo Mencken.
And of course, we are very lucky and grateful
to have her, a very rare public appearance, Eryn Bellow
who is going to get my first question.
Why Chartreuse?
[scoffs] Still can't hear them.
Oops, shh.
Well, it is a pale green French liqueur
-made from 150 herbs. -[laughs]
It's like wheatgrass alcohol.
[audience laughing]
Well, not what is it scientifically,
but it's been over a year and no one can agree on the title.
-It's up to the reader. -[Gwen] Oh.
-Like it's the first... -[drowned by Nana shouting].
Oh, look at her!
Oh, isn't she beautiful!
Oh, oh, and look at those legs, she looks terrific.
-She looks good, right? -She does.
-No, she looks-- -Yes.
That's my stylist.
I mean, when I remember endings,
I usually don't remember the rest of the novel.
And to me a novel is a journey, it's not a result.
And so if a book doesn't end, but fades out,
I don't know, it makes the stuff
in the middle more important.
-Risky. -[Eryn chuckles]
-So far so good. -Yeah, look how
-composed she is. -Yeah.
So, Ms. Queen of
Suspense and Book Club Fiction.
-Hate that. -What, book clubs?
No, sorry, I love that people are reading it, it's just
when it's categorized like that, I mean, you don't need
a support group to read it. You just read it.
Yeah, I mean, it's not like it even paints it
in a certain light. It's like more like--
-Like a shadow? -Yeah.
And misconceptions, they stick on books,
color our judgment.
This is the future of picture watching?
Danielle Steele and Jackie Collins?
And Ann Welty.
Oh! [laughs]
The most graphic of them all.
She's just punchy.
She has my heart.
Theo, funny feeling, she's not yours.
Oh, no.
I can appreciate Welty.
She ogles the rich and famous like Collins,
but with more artistic punch.
All are straightforward.
Welty offers more.
She's more spirituelle.
[Gwen] Are you trying to be nice?
Big ideas don't come from big words.
Well, while you're off playing word chess,
-you lose your audience. -What audience?
Well, maybe if Ann Welty lived a little off the page,
to me she's too much wonderment of the banal.
But what about John Updike?
Couldn't the same be said of him? You love him.
Of course. He was risqué.
-Aye. -Perhaps you could talk about adaptation.
These ladies are going down that road for the first time.
It's good for business, but don't bother
writing the script.
Leave that to the wolves.
Books are different than movies and both
are different than real life.
Listen, a bit on words.
I know populism is in these days,
appeal to the ruralites, but words are important.
They must be handled with care.
Ideas are viruses that can infect us all.
So, when they are handled recklessly,
and gain an audience, as both these young ladies
have been so lucky to have gained,
words really mean something.
They are paid for their words.
They should use them well as they build sentences.
And the sentences reach up to form the rafters
so meaning can harbor safely in its clasp.
This shelter is the church of readers.
Did you adapt that from here is the church,
-here is the steeple? -[audience chuckling]
Open the doors then see all the people?
You know, bad reviews can ruin careers.
-Are you threatening us, Mr. Mencken? -Just you, Mrs. Bellow.
-Oh, no. -Oh, God. God, help me. Maybe I shouldn't have done this.
So, I think that things don't have to be incomprehensible to be great?
No, it doesn't, but it should at least aspire for something.
Irving doesn't write until he knows the last sentence.
Well, that's great, for him.
But, we're all different souls
and assuming that's where we write from,
it ought to be different.
And distilling 10,000 hours into a couple hundred pages.
I mean, you can't hide from yourself when you're alone
-writing for months and months. -Or years.
Yeah, and then, a reader takes it down in a couple weeks.
Or a day.
So the publishers hope.
Better to have that bar lower,
and move on so as not to reveal
there is nothing to your superficial marriageableness.
You say the word soul, yet your sentences go nowhere
because they aspire for so little.
And yes, I'm calling you out.
I heart colloquialisms.
Yeah, well, it's easy to throw stones.
True. Not easy to crack that glass.
-Now that's just mean. -[Carrie gasping]
That's just mean.
Well, why don't you show us how?
Right now, with all the cameras rolling?
And on that note, we'll be right back.
[break music]
Hide the razor blades, I'm going to kill myself.
[loud knocking]
[scanner beeping]
[keyboard clacking]
[door creaking]
[laughing]
[lively music]
[phone ringing]
His clean collar contrasted
his light amber scruff,
spotless shoes, worn belt holes
showing a recent attention to fitness, well-tied tie,
perfectly upturned cuff.
All in all, a well-put together man.
Excuse me.
Are you good at algebra?
Think you could replace my X without asking Y?
I'm sorry, that sounded so much better when I read it.
Hi, I'm Brad.
Nice to meet you.
I don't have a pickup as cheesy as that.
Checkmate.
[chuckles]
Excuse me.
Nice try.
Get back in line.
-She's... -Nina.
...with me, now.
If this is what she gives up for coffee,
imagine what she gives up to get into a club.
[lively music]
[Eryn chuckles]
BRB.
[Eryn voiceover] The tingle bounced off the inside
of her fingertips.
Inbound signals conflict
with outbound, shaking her hands,
forcing her to hold them steady with her legs.
Immediately, the electric moment began to dissipate.
So she spreads her legs, digs her claws in,
grabbing ahold to savor the moment.
For love at first sight is a rare, endangered energy.
So, is this your coffee shop?
You mean, do I come here often?
Yes, I'm afraid so.
And we're past the icebreaker. [chuckles]
Yeah, I realize how that sounded.
I just so badly wanted to say the right thing,
and in the process of throwing out all the wrong things,
you know, don't say that, not that one,
definitely not that, I guess that one
sort of got overlooked.
I'm sorry.
Not sorry.
Do you think love at first sight is endangered?
[gentle music]
[Eryn sighing]
[both laughing]
-This is me. -Oh.
-Where are you parked? -Um, oh, I walked.
-Oh, cool. -I'm looking forward to dinner tonight.
Yeah.
-Seven? -Seven.
-Great. -Oh.
[Brad chuckles]
Sorry, I'm keeping you.
[both chuckling]
Oh, big day, already.
-Bye. -Bye.
[Eryn voiceover] The garishly bejeweled dress reeked of
a woman divorced of money trouble.
She felt set free beneath the weight,
and, at least for now, stood tall,
allowing her financial freedom to shine.
Is there something in particular I can help you find?
How did you know to ask me that?
It's my job.
[lively music]
[phone ringing]
You know I do have a business line.
Um, I'm just taking a quick break
but I wanted to call and tell you
-that I am working on something. -Oh, great.
Don't worry. It's something everyone knows.
I'm looking for the truth in tropes.
I'm sure the publisher will be thrilled!
[lively music]
[Eryn voiceover] The definition of his hard abs
was as angular as the corners on his cherry red super car.
He shyly explained how it was cobbled together
for three generations by a family of mechanics
in the Italian Alps.
He questions the aerodynamics while grabbing ahold
of the stick and shifting gears, casually wondering
how much sex the hood could withstand.
Vroom--
[phone ringing]
[upbeat music]
[chuckles]
Do you live alone?
I do.
Huh.
So, I'm just realizing this now,
and it's kind of amazing, but it never came up this morning.
What do you do for a living?
I am in construction.
What?
I'm an architect, journeywoman.
-Oh, wow. -I don't know about wow.
[Eryn voiceover] The ferocity of their fight allowed all the oldies but goodies to seep out
in their nastiest forms.
Lack of communication was, "you don't fucking talk to me
about shit anymore."
Turning the kids into comrades against the other
came out as, "your son is following
in your asshole footsteps!"
And the familiar, good old taking the other for granted
as "I'm just here to cook and drive the kids to school,
and screw, and we barely do that!"
And this, of course, presented the solution
which was to do what they did best.
Two thieves steal a calendar.
They each get six months.
[Eryn laughing]
[Brad laughing]
So, how did your last relationship end?
[chuckles] To be honest, it's still not over yet.
[laughing]
What does that mean?
[chuckles] Well, this is all a bit sudden.
Well, I'll say. But what does that mean?
I've been dating someone, more off than on. Lately, it's been pretty okay.
-I'm not one to just walk away from what happened today. -Because you're a cheater.
-I wouldn't call what we did today cheating. -Well, you kissed me!
You kissed me back, which is a lot different than sleeping together.
Oh, there's no sleeping when I sleep with someone.
Are you even listening to me?
I'm trying.
Oh!
Freaking ice cold! [shouts]
[suspenseful music]
-Is everything all right? -Yeah.
Let me just see if I can bring this one back from the brink. Thanks.
[phone clicking]
Sir, are you guys done?
No, no.
Yeah, it's just not working out.
[phone clicking]
[moving to jazzy music]
[Eryn sighing]
Pardon me, sorry.
[breathing heavily]
[moaning]
Yes, mmm hmm.
[both moaning]
[shelves clattering]
Oh, oh!
Oh!
[both grunting]
Oh!
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
[Brad panting]
[gentle music]
[keyboard clacking]
[Eryn laughing]
[Brad sighing]
[both giggling]
Morning.
I don't understand these,
but this one looks more like you.
But why isn't it red?
What?
The cover.
Wait, what color is chartreuse anyway?
Uh...
Hey, I didn't actually realize the time.
I got to get going to work.
[grunts]
Oh, wait.
You want to get coffee?
I'll just have to drive without it.
Risky, I know, but it's better than being late.
See you soon?
Yeah.
¶ Well, she's got your smile When she walks by ¶
¶ She says, damn, I'm good ¶
¶ She looks to you Like she could cheer you up ¶
¶ And you know she could ¶
¶ She looks my way and says ¶
¶ You don't Look like you should ¶
¶ So just come along And sing this song ¶
¶ Called damn, I'm good ¶
¶ I tell myself that 24 hours a day Damn, I'm good ¶
¶ This life's too short To have it any other way ¶
¶ Everybody should Just take the time ¶
¶ To make themselves feel good ¶
¶ Well, just say, good ¶
¶ Damn, I'm good ¶
¶ She says you know When I'm so bad ¶
¶ I'm so bad, damn, I'm good ¶
¶ Together and maybe you'd be ¶
¶ But I'm telling you ¶
¶ Well, damn, I'm good, I tell ¶
[Eryn voiceover] The stalker paced behind, step for step,
bonded in their precise distance,
not far, not close.
She, the prey, tests their bond, slow steps then quick.
The stalker kept in step, holding true
to their conflicted connection. She panics.
Her panic brings him pleasure. He forbids her escape.
This was him pawing at his prey, toying, toying,
fantasizing about her flailing realization
that she was powerless here, in public.
[school bell ringing]
[children shouting]
All right.
Hey, careful with that ball.
All right, bye. Okay. Bye, guys.
¶ Damn, I'm good ¶
¶ Oh, yeah ¶
¶ There are days When we don't feel ¶
¶ Just like we should ¶
¶ That's the most important time to say ¶
¶ I feel good, damn, I'm good ¶
¶ I tell myself that 24 hours a day ¶
¶ Damn, I'm good, This life's too short ¶
¶ To have it any other way ¶
¶ Everybody should Just take the time ¶
¶ To make themselves feel good ¶
¶ Well, just say good ¶
¶ Damn, I'm good ¶
¶ Everybody say, good ¶
¶ Damn, you're good Everybody now ¶
¶ Everybody say good ¶
¶ Damn, I'm good ¶
[lively music]
[punches thudding]
[Brad panting]
Go.
Again.
-I got this part. -Yeah.
And you want to make it faster.
Yeah, all right.
-You get it? Now then. Go, go. -All right.
[Brad grunting]
[Brad panting]
-Hey. -[Eryn gasps]
What's this all about?
[Eryn gasps]
Huh?
You got nothin' on me.
How can you be so sure?
Who are you?
Huh?
Wait, don't come another step closer.
I have a--
Mmm. Stop!
Oh, babe, I don't need a rape fantasy
on top of a stalker fantasy.
How'd you know it was me?
Why would anyone investigate me?
Oh, Mr. Innocent, huh?
I'm not an angel.
He had a condom in his wallet/arm band thing.
It all happened so quick.
[Carrie laughing]
[Eryn moaning]
So meanwhile were you getting good stuff?
Yeah.
So, go, have fun, be safe
and bring me pages, would you?
[Brad grunts]
-Yeah, so all of sudden this feels so real. -[Eryn chuckles]
I can't do this.
Do what?
I am in a relationship.
Ha!
So, both of us?
It's kind of a relief, in a way.
I mean, hey, it's messed up and, I'll be honest,
and I hope you take this the right way,
I didn't feel bad, like remorseful, even,
but we're never meant to be together, me and her.
So, do you not feel the same way?
It's with my cousin.
Your cousin?
My cousin's brother.
So, your cousin?
Yeah, no, no. I don't know.
-What, is it the half-brother? -Who, what?
To the cousin that you're in this relationship with.
Isn't that what we're talking about here?
So, you're not bothered by this? You're just trying to figure it out? Like family tree?
-Oh. -What?
Oh.
Is this incest fetish?
Wow, you are something else.
Oh, my God.
I can't. I'm sorry.
[somber music]
[Brad scoffs]
Your jacket!
You're going to catch a cold!
So what are you saying? You broke up with him?
I was crawling into bed with someone who was willing to entertain an incest fetish.
Do you have no concern for my well-being?
Oh, sweetie, guys are into much weirder stuff than that.
I just read about a micro trend that they're doing it
with dolphins, believe it or not.
[Eryn] You are no help.
Your problem is you need to have
a lot more experience with guys.
Why don't you go on the Tinder
or, uh, that new one, rumble.com
or mash.com or you poke me and...
Goodbye.
-Bye. -I'll poke you.
[gentle music]
[people chattering]
So, um, where did you,
where did you grow up?
What are you doing?
Oh.
[chuckles]
[man chuckling]
So.
Oh, my God, are you...
I'm sorry.
-It's hard for me. -Here.
Oh, um...
I can't, it's just...
-You're a writer? -I mean, everyone's a writer, technically.
I guess, I mean...
[Eryn chuckles]
I text a lot.
-I mean, it's not entirely the same thing. -No not.
Tell me about you. What do you do?
[sighs] Um, you know I like to think of myself
as more than just an accountant.
I live a very full life on the weekends.
Things beyond the numbers,
things beyond numbers.
Oh, wow. It's amazing.
Um, would you like to go out again sometime?
Oh, my goodness. Look at you.
You, yes, I would love to, actually.
Gimme your number.
[phone clicking]
[keyboard clacking]
[Man] All right, there you go.
[crickets chirping]
I really always wanted to try this, for real.
Oh, yeah, but cash is dirty.
Ones are the worst.
Oh.
Touched the most hands.
You really thought of that?
[Franklin] Ah.
[birds chirping]
[grunts]
[kick thudding]
[Seth] Yeah, one second.
[sighs]
-Hi. Is this your dog? -Yes.
-Ho-- -Thank you so much.
-Oh! -Buckles.
-Buckles? -Buckles.
Yeah, wait, wait I got a treat.
I got a treat, I got a treat.
[laughs] Yes.
-Oh, thank you so much. -[Eryn laughs]
-Look, I don't know how I can repay you. -You're welcome.
But can I take you out? Do you want to maybe come in?
I would love a glass of water. That's a heavy dog.
Cool. And maybe we could like have sex or something?
-Maybe some-- -How about a glass of water?
Yeah. Come on.
-I mean, it was great day. -[Eryn giggling]
Buckles, thank you, awesome.
-You are so welcome. -Yeah, fantastic.
How's that avocado?
Um, it's good, I love it [giggles].
-That's good. Those are good fats. -Thank you, yeah.
I like guacamole, so.
-Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. I'm big on the guac. -Yeah.
-Oh. -Had a good workout today.
Great.
Yeah.
Big WAD.
Big what?
-WAD. -Big WAD?
-Yeah. -Oh.
Workout of the day.
-Oh, workout of the day? -Yeah.
I don't think I've heard that before.
Yeah, and hit some PRs.
What's that?
[Seth] Personal records.
-Nice. -And PBs, PBs.
-PBs? I get it now. I get that.
-Personal best. -Personal best?
Yeah, my personal best. I've always against myself,
competition against myself, like--
I like that you take care of yourself. That's--
Hey, without your health, you don't have anything.
-Yeah. -So, yeah.
Health, my dog and, you know, a lady.
Good night.
Listen, I can't thank you enough.
Is this the part where I say you can thank me in bed?
I mean, yeah,
uh, I won't turn you down.
[both laughing]
But that's something that could wait till the second date
if you want.
Thanks for saving Buckles.
It's just a weird name.
I'm sorry. [laughs]
Listen on second thought, do you want to just--
Good night, Seth.
Everyone, turn 'em over.
All right. And down the rows, to the left.
I'll take those.
Thank you.
Good. You guys are good to go to lunch.
[children chattering]
[message alert chiming]
[birds chirping]
[Eryn sighs]
[school bell ringing]
-Have a good day, guys. -[student] Good, bye, bye.
All right, don't forget to do your homework, all right?
Okay?
[sighs]
Fuck.
[message alert chiming]
[phone clicking]
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
[birds chirping]
[phone clicking]
[scoffs]
[people chattering]
-Hi. -Oh, hey, what's up?
-Hi. -Good to see you.
-You, too. You look great. -Thanks.
Do you mind if I sit here?
Um, yeah, sure. No problem.
[laughs] Want to keep my back to the door,
so I could just focus on you.
Nice.
Ah, I got shots for us.
Great.
-Um-- -Gains.
-So, did you work out today? -Ooh ah. Just got it in.
-[Eryn laughs] -I'm still buzzing.
-Right. -Every workout,
-making through. -Yeah, nice.
-Yeah, I hit a major PR today. -Um--
-Personal record. -Right.
-Yeah, rowing. -You told me that.
2000 miles in under four minutes.
-I mean, like, I'm bulging. -Eryn] Yeah.
Did you know that when you're working out
you're actually tearing muscle fibers like a zipper?
You have the myosin and the actin, so like you're tearing them apart
-and then you rebuild them. Science. -So, that is science.
I guess you're sort of a scientist.
Yeah, you know, by proxy, I think so.
Yeah.
What does your diet say about shots?
-Going into a cheat day, so I say, bring it on. -Great.
Bartender, could we get two more each.
[Seth] Whoa!
For a little girl, you can really drink.
-So, what else do you do when you're not working-- -HIIT.
-HIIT? -Uh, high intensity interval training. Cardio.
-Oh. -Yeah. I'm really looking to get ripped right now,
so that keeps your metabolism up, gets you shredded.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
[Seth] So basically, my metabolism,
off the chain right now.
I'm burning calories when I'm out of the gym.
Caloric burn.
[Eryn] So, do you ever do yoga or--
Yeah, I think you, as much as you build up the muscle,
-you got to stretch it. -What the hell is this?
-Oh, who the hell are you? -Who the hell are you?
How about that last shot?
Oh, my gosh. Gains.
Look, I know we got into some weird stuff,
but this is batshit crazy.
Oh, eh, don't talk to the lady like that.
Dude, I bet you don't even have a clue.
Did she tell you what she did with her cousin?
No, what'd she do with her cousin?
Okay, I think it's time to go
you and your little incest story.
I mean, she clearly moved on and I think you should leave.
Yeah, have fun with this guy.
[tense music]
[people shouting]
[men grunting]
[Brad panting]
Oh, oh, excuse me, oh, is this for me?
Thank you so much.
[loud knocking]
Buckles, sit, sit.
Hey, you, come here. Hey.
-Hey. -Hi.
I brought you a hangover cure and a protein shake,
in case you've already worked out which knowing you...
Thanks.
I'll make sure not to venture too far from the toilet.
Smart.
Look, I also wanted to apologize.
Don't worry about it.
Listen, it's fine.
All's well that doesn't end in death.
I like that.
Listen, I got to get ready for the gym,
unless you want to, uh?
-Fuck? -Yeah.
No, Seth.
Buckles, come on. Let's go.
Starting here. This one, this one, this one, this one.
-Who is next one, two, eight, eight. -Oh, my God, are you okay?
Hey, what? What are you doing here?
No, I just, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
-Hey, hey, go to class. -Oh.
I told the kids I had eye surgery.
Third grade and bar brawls don't go together.
Okay, I also, I wanted to confess.
Yeah, I don't read that crap.
I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
Sorry about what? [sighs]
You deserve better than me and my gimmicks, Brad.
You should leave.
Yeah.
[Eryn sighs]
[Brad sighs]
[chuckles] Oh, just a phase?
[chuckles] You can call it that.
And, phases come and go,
Sometimes with the season, huh?
[Eryn chuckling]
[keyboard clacking]
[sighs]
[dog whimpering]
[shower curtain rings clattering]
[Eryn panting]
[birds chirping]
[book thudding]
[Eryn thudding]
[Theo] Yet, Nina was relieved.
She was robbed of nothing.
Instead, he had set her free.
It was never going to be a clean break.
At least, the licking flames looked beautiful
as the curtains fell just prior to her third act.
End there, before it really gets sad.
[audience applauding]
Um, how much of it is really true?
-None of it. It's a book. But I did my research. -[audience applauding]
-[Carrie] You did a great job. [Theo] Thank you very much. You did a great job.
And now do you think this will be a new category?
[chuckles] If it sells more books, sure.
Everyone's so busy constructing universes.
I'm dabbling in the multiverse.
-There you go then. -[Carrie chuckling]
-See, that's right. -It's very cool.
Uh, any advice for an aspiring writer, Theo?
Well, there can be a living in it if you care more about it than any other living writer
and just as much as all those who came before.
Did you work with Eryn Bellow on it?
Uh, you know, if you can't read the cover,
you probably shouldn't get the book.
Then why didn't she just write her own memoir?
Because then it'd have to be true.
[Theo chuckling]
Don't forget to tell your friends.
Spoiler alert, the line of defamation
is tested as Mr. Mencken trounces his main character
in the end bringing to life Burrough's belief
that heroes and heroines are meant to be killed.
In this case not before the writer wakes from a coma,
only to discover she's lost both her hands,
and thus, her will to write.
[clock ticking]
Look, just because it's a sensation doesn't mean
we have to go nuts with the second printing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, sorry to intrude.
-Oh, oh, hi, Carrie. -Hi.
Can you cover this for me?
-We may be reissuing it. -[Kate] Is it any good?
I don't know. I have no fucking idea. Ugh.
[bell ringing]
[gasps] Um, Eryn's in your office.
Oh?
All right, let me know how that goes.
I didn't know you were in New York.
Yeah.
I don't know what to tell you.
Tell me something.
You were a lot less likable in the first draft.
Fuck you.
[Carrie] Come on. I'm in it, too.
You didn't lose your hands and the will to write.
It's not real, okay?
It's not real.
Plus, I sent you the pages.
I even sent you the ARC to read.
You know life goes on
for us working people in the real world.
You hijacked my life.
Those are details you told him. They could've only come from you.
All right, I edited the hell out of him.
You, I give carte blanche.
We couldn't agree on a subject.
When did you become his agent?
Who do you think got him on that talk show?
Listen this, this is nothing but hype.
Before you know it, it's going to be collecting dust
in those secondhand bookstores that you love so much.
Those are an important part of our ecosystem.
Okay, fine, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to insult you
or your secondhand bookstore buddies.
Why can't you just think of this as a straw man.
You're, you're, you're more than welcome
to knock it down whenever you want.
Can't you just write something
even if it has imperfections.
They'll say you're going Kerouac.
Just gimme a masterpiece for God sakes.
Three years, three years past due.
You're fired, Carrie.
What?
Really?
Really.
How the hell am I'm supposed to work with you?
You exploited me.
Oh, God, so typical.
I've exploited you.
I've been freaking breathing life
into your wasting career,
keeping you on life support.
Why can't you just give me something?
I can put your career back on track.
I can get you freaking published.
You're not the only person who can do that for me.
Yes, I am, actually.
Are you going to give the publishers back their advance money?
And how about me?
Where's my 10%?
I've been doing my job
and quite creatively, I might add.
Your mom always listened to me.
You're making a mistake.
[somber music]
[Eryn sighs]
You know every time you look at a memory,
it changes just a little bit.
Never stays the same.
But it can be for the good,
like anything else.
Right?
[Eryn sniffles]
It can, baby.
[birds chirping]
[Eryn sighs]
[keyboard clacking]
[tense orchestral music]
[phone ringing]
[phone vibrating]
Hey, you have something for me?
I need you to send me the uncorrected proofs.
Uh, well, that's a little hard to do
before you send it to me.
No, Mencken's.
Why?
[Eryn] Before you cut him back.
[Carrie] Why, what are you going to do?
Reply, in kind.
-Either that or sue your company. -The publisher?
For defamation. Although I'm pretty sure, I can prove collusion, too.
Just send me the proofs.
Okay.
Literary revenge, I like it.
You see, this is why I told them
not to take your advance back yet.
I knew you'd get struck by something.
They were thinking lightning but I bet book.
Sweetie?
[loud knocking]
Hi.
And you.
[scoffs]
[lighthearted music]
[Eryn] Hi, is this your dog?
Yes, ah, Buckles.
-Thank you so much for finding Buckles. -That is such a cute name.
Listen, I don't know how could I repay you?
Maybe with some sex?
[Eryn chuckles]
Yeah? To the bed.
Bellow.
Is that a caramel macchiato?
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that's what you ordered.
No, I ordered a macchiato.
It's just foam and espresso.
With caramel.
Yeah, but I'm looking for just foam and espresso.
-That's it. -No, it's in the name,
-caramel macchiato.
[Brad sighs and sniffs]
[water trickling]
[people chattering]
[Brad sighs]
[toilet roll clattering]
[people chattering]
-[paper ripping] -[lighthearted music]
[hand thudding]
[moving to dramatic music]
[Eryn grunting]
[bed creaking]
[lively music]
[keyboard clacking]
[lighthearted music]
[door rattling]
Oh, wait! Hey!
-Wait, stop, stop! -Oh, what the--
-What the? -Shit, open it!
Open it!
[Seth] Holy shit.
Yeah.
Nina? What are you doing? The sensor's broken.
Got it.
And it's Eryn.
Come on.
To drink.
I'm fine.
Whatever, they're cheap.
I'm just going to leave it right here
in case you change your mind.
I can't believe you're not a Nina.
-I can only see you as a Nina. -[Eryn chuckles]
[chuckles] Don't you think you shouldn't change my name
to something better in your version?
What's your fancy?
Something like Bartholomew.
[Eryn laughs]
It's a good famous name.
No, it is a shit name.
You are terrible with names. That's as bad as Buckles.
Oh, do you think we should reiterate the fact
that you got me drunk
which is why I lost that fight?
That and we're supposed to see that other guy
-as the good guy and I'm the-- -Dick.
Now, you are talking. You're taking the words right out of my mouth.
Do you think you could like craft up a little passage
about, you know, in like Charles Dickens-like detail
about the size, and girth, and beauty of my [laughs]...
[lively music]
[keyboard clacking]
But it's unique. Fine. The first thing I'm going to share
is slightly different than what you're used to.
[gentle music]
[light knocking]
Come in.
Hi.
Do you have a minute?
-Nina, uh-- -Eryn.
This is my place of work. You can't be here.
Yeah, I thought this was a better job for you, okay?
Still anything we'd discuss here
is probably not going to be appropriate.
It's true.
-Come on. -Where are we going?
Mrs. Ortiz, I'm going to grab a coffee.
-[Mrs. Ortiz] I made it. -I need it strong.
If I make it any stronger it'll kill you.
[phone ringing]
I can't believe your name's not Nina.
I am known by many names.
[laughs evilly]
I can't believe you're not really a teacher.
Well, in my defense, you never asked.
Subbing for a teacher on maternity leave
isn't something I bring up on first dates.
See, this is why backstories should never be overlooked.
That and I don't fancy sympathy lays.
You're right. Role-playing should never be depressing.
Stalker-rape on the second date is pretty extreme.
Yeah, I thought so, too. But, I mean, at least you won the fight, right?
Yeah.
Do you think they were rooting for me, too?
I think that was the design.
So where from here?
[Eryn] Do you think it's possible for things to get convoluted
past the point of no return?
You mean, if we have a chance?
Yeah, well, like, I mean, I know you're not real but--
I'm not.
And yet, here you are.
So, whatever.
There's no going back.
This ship only moves forward.
They invented rewind for VCRs.
Oh boy, there's something I'm not nostalgic for.
Wait. Is there anything that you would change?
Let me see it.
[Eryn] This is dangerous.
Yeah.
[gasps] What if I kidnapped you?
More research for your sequel?
Stockholm syndrome. Like Bonnie and Clyde
but in a steampunk setting with gangsters.
I mean, I think we're really getting somewhere here.
Let me just tell Ortiz I quit.
But in the end, we're from two different worlds.
Mine's a more perfect universe.
[sighs]
If I can control it, it's not real.
Goodbye, Brad.
Bye, Eryn.
Thank you.
[fast orchestral music]
[keyboard clacking]
[grunting]
[sputtering]
So have you found a new place? -I'm really still looking. Yeah.
I have a few options that I'm going to decide between.
I can show you if you want to help. I could use some, a little bit of help
-deciding honestly. Yeah. -I'd love to, yeah.
What about like a period love story, like pre-cellphone.
There's a lot of places that I can go with that.
But that's like, uh, that's what '80s
or like 1800s?
Or like I do an 1800s thing with cell phones.
Like a mashup.
-Sci-fi set in the '90s with rap music. -No.
And a little birdie told me that you
have been meeting other productions
and I know you have your pick of who you want
to make this book into a film, so...
[ladle clanking]
Oh.
[sighs]
[sputtering]
[Mrs. Omnibus] Oh, that's a fun one.
Written in high school, published years later.
Pretty pure stuff.
It's like two totally different things.
-I don't do well-- -Yeah but you like nice things.
[Eryn] I like nice things but--
[Carrie] Well, you got to pay for them.
-Whoa. -What the--
[keyboard clacking]
[printer clacking]
[gentle whistling and guitar music]
¶ Happily ever after ¶
¶ Is only a story ¶
¶ I'm ready to find ¶
¶ My true glory ¶
¶ We dress up in fancy drawers ¶
¶ In order to sleep and cope ¶
¶ Nothing is how we remember ¶
Meanwhile, as soon as this is over,
-let's have a drink together. -Let's do that as a possible.
¶ We have one another ¶
¶ As we write our story ¶
-I do. -I do.
-¶ Together ¶ -[both laughing]
[crowd applauding and cheering]
[people chattering]
-Hi, can I get you some Chartreuse? -Oh, is that what that is?
-Uh-huh. -I wondered why it was green.
Yes.
Hello to you, you son-of-a-bitch.
-Hello to you, baby. -[Eryn chuckles]
-Looking good for a shotgun wedding. -Uh, no baby.
Honeymoon first. I mean, aren't you the one who accused me of liking perfect order?
Or maybe by baby I meant your next book.
-Hmm. They are my babies. -I have to say having me here
is a bit of a stretch, isn't it?
No.
I think I can even make you fit into my happy ending.
-Hi, you. -Hi.
Now you know, I'm not into costumes or characters
or theme weddings, and yet here I am.
You got to have your way with me, why don't I get to have my way with you?
I guess I don't have any choice now, do I?
No.
[Carrie chuckling]
You know what I wish you talked to me about more?
[Carrie] What, honey?
My mother.
And my father.
Yes, your mama.
You know, before she met your dad she was into my Frank.
-[laughs] I know. -She liked him, but he liked me
and that made things a little bumpy between me and her,
you know, the girlfriend thing.
But then she met your father and they fell madly in love.
And they made you.
It was such a happy time.
[camera timer beeping]
[camera clicking and whirring]
[birds chirping]
[crying] I will always wonder
-if that's the reason. -[Carrie] No.
Why you helped me publish.
No, no, I told you I love it.
And how many times did I say it to you?
That I'm the only one that can bring them back.
Exactly.
You know them so well.
Oh, God know that they're up in heaven
smiling down on you, so proud.
And you know what?
Stories never die.
So now they're immortalized.
Isn't that great how life works?
-Thank you. -[Carrie chuckles]
Love you, honey.
Mmm.
Sweet girl.
Now be happy.
This is a great day.
[Carrie laughs]
[magical music]
¶ No need for apology ¶
¶ Manifesting destiny ¶
¶ You can get the best in me ¶
¶ Rewriting my history ¶
¶ Ya, ya ¶
¶ Rewriting my history Ya, ya ¶
¶ Was meant to be, what shall it be ¶
¶ Ya, ya ¶
¶ Baby, I'm a fortune for honey They know that I run it ¶
¶ We move in this work that I done it ¶
¶ But I don't want to build, now I'm stand ¶
¶ Gee, your record's good Now, my edge bitch want it ¶
¶ Girl I run it ¶
[rap continues in the background]
[Eryn laughing]
[Rapping continues in the background]
[Lacey sighing]
[Rapping continues in the background]
I'm sorry.
Easy to say here.
There's no place more public.
Your subconscious?
[Rapping continues in the background]
It's part of the job.
[Brad] My lady?
-Congratulations. -Thanks.
-Got to dance. -Cheers. [laughing]
[gentle music]
[Eryn laughing]
[keyboard clacking]
[Eryn voiceover] Some accuser of a concussed state, whatever state it might be,
she still felt the work was counterfeit,
merely a play in a play,
a scattered reflection of real life,
iteration, degradation, circuitous routes
in the pursuit of happiness.
[piano music]
[Eryn sighing]
[somber orchestral music]
[pages rustling]
[orchestral music]