[opening credit music]
[Charlie] Yes team! Let me see that--
Oh! Niffty, nice side swipe!
Pentious, like to see that effort.
[Sir Pentious] Teamwork makes the dream work!
Yes! I heard that once...
-[Niffty] Train, train, train.
[Vox] No fucking way!
They're going to fight?
Oh, my God. Ha ha ha ha!
Oh. Looks like your little hotel didn't work out so well.
[chuckles]
Oh Alastor, I cannot wait to watch you get FUCKED!
[sinister laugh, sinister music]
[gentle music]
[Charlie sighs] Oh, I wish my mom was here to see this.
[Vaggie] The cannibals seem ready to fight.
Are we?
[Sir Pentious] Fear not, damsels.
I shall have the staff ready for victorious combat!
[Vaggie] What in the hell are you supposed to be?
General Pentious, reporting for duty.
I'll turn those rapscallions into soldiers in no time at all.
Thank you, Pen.
What can I do to help?
I'm glad you asked, soldier.
The base needs fortifications.
Reinforce the southern wall.
Create a moat around the perimeter
to stop a ground assault.
[Charlie] How about this? If you see an angel, stab it.
[Niffty] Oooohh...[evil chuckle]
Stab! Stab! Stab!
-[Angel] Hey, hey, hey, hey. -[Charlie] Not Him!
[Niffty giggles]
[Vaggie in a drill sergeant manner] Listen up, sinners!
We got twenty four hours before the extermination begins
Let's get to work. [epic music]
-[Vaggie] So, you wanna aim here, here...
-[Vox] Oh, they suck. -[Sir Pentious] Yes.
-Watch this .
-[ Vox laughing] Oh they suck so bad
[epic music continues] [Vox] Oh, God.
They're going to fucking die.
They're-- They're going to die.
[mic feeds back] Hello?
I want to thank everyone for coming.
Even people who aren't staying here yet...Cherri.
Look, I can't resist a fight, okay?
Especially when I get to tag team with this fuckhead.
Tomorrow, the exorcist angels will face a Hell ready to defend itself and win.
[Vaggie] Yeah!
Yeah, we will! Tell 'em, baby!
Yes. And we are-- we are going to win!
But in case we don't,
I want you all to know... that getting to know you
has been the biggest honor of my life.
Whatever redemption really means,
[emotive music] I know you all tried.
I have seen the good in all of you.
And it's...
I--I'm just...
[gushes] I love you all... so much,
and-- and live tonight however you want because--
We're all going to die! Hahahah!
[Vaggie] All right, let's give it up for not dying!
Love not dying! Drinks?
-[Vaggie] I mean, personally, I'm excited. It's been a long time since I stabbed anyone
and really meant it, you know what I mean?
-[Cherri Bomb] Cheers, bitches! -[Husk] Yeah!
[ice clinks in drinks] [Angel] Here's to us!
[Sir Pentious] Here's to being alive today and not dying tomorrow.
-[all cheers] -[Cherri Bomb] Chug, chug, chug!
[Alastor] Ah, the celebratory night before a courageous last stand.
It's been a surprising thrill to witness these wayward souls find connection.
Almost makes one sentimental, eh Niffty?
I really like them, Alastor.
They let me put on roach puppet shows without booing!
Ahh, an enjoyable collective to be around.
I admit one could get accustomed.
[Niffty] I dub thee King Roach.
Oh, to understand your twisted little mind. Hahaha.
[both laugh]
Last day of afterlife, [gentle music]
and you're not off snorting a line off some hunk's abs?
Ehh, you fucked one cannibal pool boy, you fucked 'em all.
I guess you have changed.
Hey, Charlie said live tonight however we wanted,
so pour me a fresh one, and let's get to living.
[Angel chuckles]
[Sir Pentious] Miss Bomb...?
-Cherri? -Yeah.
[romantic piano music] I want to tell you... that I...
I love...
I'd love to wish you good luck in the battle ahead.
Okay.
You are... Have always been a worthy opponent.
With the most...
brilliant explosive contraptions I've ever seen.
Uh... Thanks?
Anyway, I guess--
[Sir Pentious speaking quickly] Please don't die tomorrow. Okay. Bye.
[Angel] Ya know, you could totally tap that.
Tss, don't be gross. [slurps drink]
Cuz, you know, I hear he's got two dicks.
...Huh!
[Charlie sobs] [melancholy music]
-[Vaggie] Charlie? -[Charlie] Um,
I'm sorry... I'm...
I'm just so scared.
What if we lose?
[romantic ballad music] ♪ You've already done so much ♪
♪ So many lives you've changed ♪
♪ So many souls you touched ♪
♪ And in the end ♪
♪ If it's only me you've saved ♪
[Charlie and Vaggie sing together] ♪ There's something that ♪
♪ I've been dying to say ♪
[ballad gentle builds] ♪ More than anything ♪
♪ Need you to know I love you more than anything ♪
♪ More than anything ♪
[kissing softly]
[Adam] Extermination Day is here, bitches.
We're going to go down and exterminate demon ass!
[Lute] Destroy that ass!
Prepare to slaughter every sinner in that shit hotel,
and you all remember, Vaggie?!
[Exorcists] Boo! [Exorcist] We hate her!
[Lute] Rip Vaggie's cunt mouth out her ass!
[Adam] Would you just-- ju-- chill, Lute. Fuck.
Anyway, whoever brings me Vaggie's head gets...
Uh... I dunno, a million Heaven bucks. How about that, huh?
[Exorcists cheer]
Haha, yeah!
Ladies, let's fuck shit up!
[screams in a rockstar style] ATTACK!
[Lute] FORWARD!
[Exorcists scream]
[sinister music]
Here they come.
Get ready, everyone.
We fight together!
[tense indistinct muffles]
[Niffty giggles]
[Cherri Bomb] Come on, let's go!
[Vox] Oh, oh. Oh. This is going to be good.
[Vaggie shouts] NOW! FOR YOUR SOULS!
[war cries]
[Charlie] Let's fuck them up!
[epic music] [Metal clashes]
[Cannibal] Arrgh, take that!
[menacingly] Let the slaughter begin.
[Alastor laughs]
[dramatic music] [Angel laughs]
[fighting continues]
[Adam] The fuck?!
[Lute] They appear to have some kind of shield, sir!
Oh, really? I didn't see this giant fucking shield in front of me,
You dumb bitch. No shit!
[metal swords clank]
[music soars]
[Adam] That's how they can kill us?! With our own weapons!?
Fucking weak, dude.
[Lute roars]
[machineguns fire] [Angel laughs]
[Angel] Come'n get some!
[Cherri Bomb] Eat shrapnel, fuckers! [laughs]
All angelic weapons fire at will!
Hey, yelling while fighting doesn't help.
[Maniacal laughter]
[Charlie] Alastor's shield is working !
Trying to focus, sweetie!
We might actually have a chance.
Love the optimism. Still trying to focus.
[fight effort]
I'm fucking over this.
[epic music] [punches]
[sinister epic music]
[gasps] [Angel] Fuck!
Oh no!
[Adam pants and coughs] [satisfied laugh]
[music fades]
[Vox] Oh, fuck! I am so hard right now.
[pensive music] [Alastor] Adam.
First man, next to die.
Who the fuck are you?
Alastor.
Pleasure to be meeting you.
Quite a pleasure.
[music starts to crescendo] I'm about to end your fucking life.
Nice voice. Don't you know jazz is for pussies ?
[dramatic music]
[fight effort]
Nah ah ah!
You really think you can take me on?
A mortal soul is no match for me, edge-lord.
[Alastor] You should know better than anyone what a soul can accomplish
when they take charge of their own fate.
[Adam] Arrgh!
Ohohoho, think you're tough shit, huh?
[Alastor] Tougher than you!
Hahahaha! You lack discipline, control, and worst,
[menacingly] you're sloppy!
And you're... fuck--
fuck you... you red piece of f--
too much fucking red... fuck...
Shut up!
[Alastor] Hahaha! Poetry.
Grr, I'm going to wipe that shit eating grin off your face
'cause radio is fuckin' dead!
What just happened?
Ffffuck.
[Alastor] Arrgh!
[groans]
[Vox] Yes!! Fuck you Alastor!
Ha ha ha ha.
This is better than sex.
Have to disagree with you there.
Radio's not dead,
but it is ending this broadcast.
[Adam laughs] Bye, bitch.
No! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!! Pussy.
Right flank advance! Left flank, watch your six.
Ladies! There are more coming up on your right.
Get ready for them Vagatha!
Not my name! But, got it.
[Charlie] Sorry! Sorry.
[Charlie] Sorry--
Sorry, sorry!
[Vaggie] Now's not the time for that babe!
Oh, right.
Die motherfuckers!
[Husk] These fuckin' angels won't stop comin'.
-[Angel] Hah! -Okay, I walked right into that one.
Hold that thought.
[whimpering]
[fight effort]
[Angel laughs]
You alright squirt?
I nearly scrambled myself.
Get somewhere safe. Arrgh!
[Adam] Suck my holy light, fuckers! Yeah!
What? Alastor was supposed to handle him.
Oh, no, he must be--
[shots blast]
[Vaggie] We aren't going to last long unless we do something about him.
[Sir Pentious] Of course.
I'm trying to fight here! You out of your fucking mind?
Yes.
[explosion] [romantic music]
Miss Cherry Bomb,
I love you.
Remember meeee!
That was kind of hot.
[Sir Pentious] Eggs, activate thrusters, and charge the death ray.
Yes, sir.
Pentious?
[Angel] That crazy motherfucker.
[Egg Boi] Target in range.
Fire.
[Adam] Oh, whoop!
[explosion] [chuckles]
That coulda been ugly.
[Charlie screams] Noooo!
[despondent music]
-[Angel] Fuck... -[Charlie sobs] No.
-[Angel] You did good, buddy. -[Charlie] No, no, no.
[Vaggie] Charlie, I'm so sorry.
[Charlie growls]
Razzle! Dazzle!
[dramatic music]
[Dragon roars]
[Charlie] Let's ride.
[Husk] Yeah! Get 'em!
[epic music]
[Charlie] Forward!
Go, Razzle, go!
Oh, look who thinks they're bad ass now.
[Lute chuckles] The traitor came to die.
[dragon roars] [Vaggie] No!!
[glass smashes]
[Vaggie groans]
[Lute] Before I take your life,
I'm going to tear that other eye out of your face.
Try it, bitch. [fight bell dings]
[swords clank]
[Vaggie and Lute strain]
[vaggie screams]
[intense music] [strains]
Vaggie!
Surprise, bitch!
[Charlie screams]
[thud]
[Adam] Risking your immortal life for sinners?
That's some crazy shit, even for Lucifer's brat!
[emotive music] These sinners are my family.
[mocking] "These sinners are my famwy."
Do you even hear yourself?
You shoulda stayed in your place, girlie--
-Arrgh! Shit! [Charlie roars]
[glass smashes]
[Charlie] That's Princess of Hell to you, pig!
The fuck? That hurt.
[tense music]
Heh hahaha, okay.
[Vaggie] Arrgh. [spear clanks to the ground]
[Vaggie strains]
[Lute chuckles] You always were weak.
[Vaggie yelps in pain]
So I'll spare you the pain of seeing your demon bitch die.
[Vaggie strains]
[intense music]
[Lute screams]
Do it, then. Correct your mistake.
Seriously, you're pathetic, you know that?
Ready to die rather than accepting mercy?
No, live.
Live knowing that you only do because I let you...
The failure.
[Charlie screams in the distance]
[Vaggie gasps]
EeeaaaaaUUUUAAGGHHH!!
[fight effort] [Adam laughs]
[Charlie] Let...me...go!
This fight was cute n' all, but it's time to die with the rest of them.
[Charlie chokes]
Charlie!
[Adam laughs evilly]
[thump] [Adam screams]
[glass smashes]
[music swells] Dad?
Sorry I wasn't here sooner, sweetie.
[Adam] Huh? Okay, seriously?
How many of you freaks do I have to fight?!
[sinister music] Oh, I'm the only one that matters.
See, you messed with my daughter,
and now I am going to fuck you!
[silence]
[Valentino] Well, this just got interesting.
It's fuck you "up"... Dad.
Wait, what did I say? [fight effort]
[energetic music]
So, this is what you've been up to since Eden?
Gotta say, you really let yourself go buddy.
[Adam laughs] You judgin' me? You're the most hated being in all of creation!
Well, your first wife didn't seem to hate what I had to offer,
or the second. Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
[Adam] I'll fuckin' end you!!
Woah, missed me! [horse whinnies]
Hoohoo, not even close.
Hehehehe! Nice try, douchebag!
[Adam] Hold still, you slippery fucker!
[fight effort]
[intense dramatic music]
[Charlie] Ahhh!!
[Lucifer] I got you!
-[Adam laughs] -[Charlie] Dad! Look out!
Huh?
[Charlie strains]
Woah, wait, what the fuck?!
[dramatic music]
[Adam yells] [music calms]
[Lucifer] You come at me , and my daughter ,
don't forget you're in my house bitch! [thumps]
[Lucifer laughs]
Whoa, whoa, Dad.
[gently] He's had enough.
[Lucifer pants] Alright.
How's mercy taste, you little bitch?
[Adam] No...
You don't get to end this. [pants]
I'm fucking Adam! I'm the fucking man,
and you're just some fucking clown or something.
I started everything on Earth.
All of mankind came from these fucking nuts.
You all should be worshiping me,
you ungrateful, disgusting, fucking losers!
[squelches] [Adam wails]
[Vaggie] Woah! [Lucifer] Hey, you got something...
sticking out of your... Your thing there.
[drips] [Charlie] Niffty?!
Stab! Stab! Stab! [maniacal laughter]
[Vox] Holy shit!
Blood! Ha ha ha!
[emotive music] Noooo!
Sir?! Sir?!
Stay with me, sir.
[shouts] Adam!
[Charlie] It's over.
Take your little friends
[evil shout] and go home!
[pleasantly] Please.
[poignant music] Retreat.
All exorcists fall back.
So... who's up for pancakes?
[news sting] Good evening.
I'm Katie Killjoy.
-And I'm-- -Nobody gives a shit who you are Tom.
Breaking news. Extermination day is canceled.
Charlie Morningstar managed to fend off the angelic attack
with more than just nice words.
In an unseen turn of events,
our demonic head honcho Lucifer stepped in
to save his daughter's ass in the last moment.
We're also hearing reports that Adam, leader of the Angelic Legions,
first man and totally fuckable bad boy,
has been slain by a filthy janitor.
The janitor said, quote,
"Charlie told me to stab, so I did."
Anyway, congrats to Charlie and her crew
for not being totally fucking useless for once.
[gentle melancholy music]
[Charlie] Oh, there, there. It's...[sighs]
It's okay.
[squeals]
[downbeat music] [Charlie] ♪ He did it for us ♪
♪ The ultimate sacrifice ♪
♪ He gave me his trust ♪
♪ And look how we pay the price ♪
♪ This bloodshed could have been avoided ♪
♪ If I convinced Heaven to work together ♪
♪ I took a hotel and I destroyed it ♪
♪ I know I could have done better ♪
♪ Better instead of letting you down ♪
[Lucifer] ♪ Come on little lady ♪
♪ Why the frown? ♪
♪ In the last 10,000 years ♪
♪ You're the first one to change this town ♪
♪ You can do this ♪
♪ Now I know it ♪
♪ For your story has just begun ♪
♪ You can't quit now ♪ hell, you owe it ♪
♪ There's still damage to be undone ♪
♪ You've changed my mind ♪
♪ You've touched their hearts ♪
♪ Found the good and souls gone bad ♪
♪ The stage is wrecked ♪
♪ The crowd is gone ♪
♪ But by God Charlie ♪
♪ The show it must go on ♪ [music builds]
[all together] ♪ We can do this ♪
♪ We can build it ♪
♪ Best hotel that you've ever seen ♪
♪ Twice the bedrooms ♪
♪ We can fill it ♪
♪ With more sinners than you can dream ♪
♪ It starts with you ♪
♪ You know it's true ♪
♪ Fulfill your destiny ♪
♪ So long as I've got all of you with me ♪
[upbeat pop music]
[Niffty] ♪ To build a hotel I think we need some brick and lumber ♪
♪ Good thing we're in Hell, check out this little magic number ♪
[Angel] ♪ Start with foundation ♪
[Lucifer] ♪ A remedial creation for me ♪
[Niffty, Angel and Lucifer] ♪ It's as easy as can be ♪
[Charlie] ♪ No time for cryin' we got a lot of work to do and ♪
♪ We gotta try and make the best of what's in ruins ♪
[Vaggie] ♪ New coat of paint ♪
[Husk] ♪ New lights across the marquee ♪
[Charlie, Vaggie and Husk] ♪ With a little sorcery ♪
[music stabs] [Vox] ♪ After the battle masterless cattle ♪
[Vox and Valentino] ♪ Overlords hanging by a thread ♪
♪ With a bit of bravado maybe tomorrow ♪
♪ We'll will be atop the heap ♪
[Valentino] ♪ While the rest of Hell's pissing ♪
[Vox] ♪ Alastor's missing ♪
[Valentino and Vox] ♪ Fled with his tail between his legs ♪
♪ Nature abhors a power vacuum ♪
♪ It leaves room for you and me ♪
♪ The future of Hell belongs to the Vees ♪
[evil laugh]
[downbeat music] ♪ This place is reeks of death ♪
[Alastor] ♪ There's a chill in the air ♪
♪ And I barely escaped being killed by a hair ♪
♪ " Great Alastor Altruist died for his friends" ♪
[angrily] ♪ Sorry to disappoint ♪
♪ That is not where this ends ♪
♪ I'm hungry for freedom like never before ♪
♪ The constraints of my deal surely you have a back door ♪
♪ Once I figure out how to unclip my wings ♪
♪ Guess who will be pulling ♪
[Music crescendos] ♪ All the strings ♪ [Laughs]
-[All] ♪ We can do this ♪ -[Charlie] ♪ We can do this ♪
-[All] ♪ We'll be better ♪ -[Charlie] ♪ We'll be better ♪
[All] ♪ Though redemption may take a while ♪
-[Charlie] ♪ Though it may take a while ♪ -[All] ♪ Wayward sinners ♪
♪ Clear their ledger ♪
[Alastor] ♪ And we're doing it with a smile ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[Charlie] ♪ We've made a difference wait and see ♪
[Charlie and Vaggie] ♪ We're gonna do this you and me ♪
[Charlie, Vaggie, Angel and Husk] ♪ And then tomorrow it will be ♪
♪ A fuckin' happy day ♪
[All] ♪ In Hell ♪
[song ends]
[ethereal sting]
What--? Where?... Where am I?!
Oh, hello. [Emily squeaks]
[waves splash]
[footsteps approach]
[gentle harp plays] [Lute] Adam is dead.
Your deal is done and I'm in charge now.
Your brat is threatening the very foundation of Heaven.
And if you want to stay here,
you're going down there and stopping that bitch.
You understand me,
Lilith? [ominous music]
[end credit music]