I seen her before I even knew her, on it was the smack dvd,
and she was performing. And, rest in peace, my uncle was with me.
And we was watching the dvd and I said,
I don't know why I said it out loud,
'cause I was thinking it in my head, I was like,
"one day, she's gonna be my lady."
and he laughed me out of the room like... [imitates laugh]
you know how baby d laughs. [imitates laugh]
he just cracked up. I was like,
"it's that funny?"
[man] I'd just touched down from detroit into la.
-I wanna, like, see what's going on. -Mm-hm.
I also had, like,
a ex-girlfriend thing that I was still working on and messing with and...
It was all kind of crazy during that time. So, I was like,
"mm." and she was like, I could tell, I was like,
"she's a little emotional. Like, she's not gonna be ready to handle me."
-I'm straight from the d. Like... -[scoffs]
she ain't never met no guy like me before.
She ain't ready for this. Um...
-And look at us now. [laughs] -look at us now. [laughs]
[man 2] and when it became more than just friends, you know?
-Uh... -When you wrote me that song.
-Oh, that was later. That was later. -Oh, "more than a friend."
-yeah. Yeah. That was-- -we'll get to that.
-We'll get to that. -When he wrote me a song called "more than a friend".
-Which is funny that, you had said. -I did. I did.
-It's bars. You feel me? -Yeah. He wrote me a song.
I knew. I knew it. I knew that he really loved me, that he really liked me...
Nobody had ever wrote me a song before.'m like, "he wrote me a song?"
-oh, my goodness. -Mm-hm. Fellas, do a song.
[codie] we're tommy and codie oliver.
We're filmmakers who got engaged after six months,
married 11 months after that,
and when we finished the first season of black love, we were just becoming parents.
We move fast.
Today, we have a five-year old and twin three-year olds.
We've spent our entire relationship interviewing hundreds of married couples
about how they stay together 20, 30,
some even 70 years.
Okay. So, tommy and I met at the toronto film festival in 2013.
And he hollered and I hollered back.
-[imitating buzzer sound] eh! -Forget you.
-Um. Mm-hm. -Dragon.
It was June of 2012.
He was the weekend sports anchor at little rock, arkansas.
And I was going for an interview. I had just graduated from college.
And, uh, they set me up with this reporter to kind of give me,
you know, the scoop on the station and everything I needed to know.
So, we're sitting in the break room,
and in comes this man with
luchador mask, spiderman mask...
-It was a mask. A red mask. -It was luchador, yeah.
And trips on the trashcan.
-Trips on a bike that was there. -Yep.
Gets up.
-Say, "hey, my name is robert." -[both laugh]
so...
Uh, matt, the other reporter, was like, "this is... This is our weekend sports anchor."
yeah.
And I was like, I don't know why I said--
well, I do. Because the station wasn't very diverse.
-And so, I was like, "oh, you're black." -mm-hm.
And he was like, "how'd you know?"
-I was like, "I can see your hands." [laughs] -yeah. Got my hands.
And my arms were showing too.
He has, literally, a picture of the first moment he saw my face.
♪ the first time... ♪
-yes, um... -♪ ...Ever you saw my face ♪
I was going through-- this is before cellphones. You know.
-There were cellphones. No, there were only beepers right? -There was only pagers.
-Jesus christ. Okay. -Mm-hm.
But I had this little olympus handheld camera.
And I was just, you know, I think, in a vibe of taking pictures.
Young artist things. I don't know what the hell I was thinking.
I mean, complete corny, right?
-But she opened the door and I was like... "hello!" -I was like...
[alami] and she was like, on the phone like,
-like, "my dude, did you just do that?" -[dahn] oh, my god.
True, like, the first time I saw her,
-I got a picture of the moment. -It's the cutest thing though.
-Now, all these years later. -It makes me feel good now.
All these year now, it feels good. But then it was-- I knew...
See, but I wasn't coming over, you know, on that...
-No game. No, like... -I was not--
you wasn't coming over to get in there. I was coming over to take headshots,
to point a to point b.
-So, I didn't have to put on my representative. -Yes.
-You know, coming smooth like, "hey girl. How you doing?" -I got to meet him first off.
I was just like, "hey, what up?" sorry about the picture.
Hey, let's go get some coffee. I'll take your headshot over there."
-and that's how it started. -Yes.
-Compton high school. -Mm-hm.
-Compton high school. -We made it come true. Yeah.
Yeah, and uh, it was, uh, a talent show for kids.
There was a girl that was there that performed,
you know, named asia lee, right?
Everybody was like, blown away, like, "yo!" kids going crazy.
-I was a hit hero. -She was.
Yeah, you know what I mean? And they were like, "yo!" and the music was dope.
Performance was amazing. I enjoyed the performance.
I'm like, "yo, who's this girl?"
so, I went to go, you know, say, "hey, you did an amazing job."
so, then we stayed in contact. And what was deep about it,
was that we would always talk on the phone after our dates.
You know what I mean? Which was super cool, right?
So, we'd be like, "man, I was on this date and this girl's..." blah, blah, blah.
[chuckles] and then, she would say that a guy was dot-dot-dot.
And so, we would have these like, awesome conversations
and talk all the way through the night.
The first time we met,
it was like... Whatever, keep it moving, go past.
The second time we met, it was more of a in-depth situation
where we were sitting in a studio,
and um, him telling I was bossing everybody around,
and being rude,
and he didn't wanna say nothing because he wasn't gonna tolerate my rudeness,
which he would've tolerated.
He was scared to say anything 'cause he didn't want that smoke.
But, um, I know he liked me, and he knew I liked him too. We were just...
Strictly friends. We would like, go to the movies.
Well, we would go to hotels and watch all the movies on the thing.
Not do anything, but like, literally hang out in hotels
'cause he lives all the way in long island and I lived all the way in jersey.
So, like, we would always meet in manhattan like, in the middle.
It was great conversation.
And, um, it was endless conversations.
Like, we would be talking inside the vehicle,
at night time. And next thing you know, the sun's coming up.
It was definitely a friendship.
Maybe like around three months, you know, it started to...
Things started to escalate and, you know, I got more lucky.
-[chuckling awkwardly] -[producer] wait, can you describe...
[laughing]
I mean, you know. Things became physical, became more intimate.
We started to hug, kiss, you know, things of that nature.
And then, we would leave each other,
talk all the way home on the phone,
get home, pull up in the driveway and fall asleep on the phone.
Like it was ridiculous-- we were inseparable.
-Yeah, it was... -[both laugh]
we were really inseparable.
-This was the hype years of jerry's famous deli. -Yeah.
-2001. Whoo! -2001.
-2001, man! Hm. -At the end of 2001.
And so, I'm out with my sisters. We were in this restaurant,
going to the restroom.
And I'm feeling jb burning a hole in my face.
-And so... -An aisle seat.
That means, I was sitting in the aisle of the restaurant where you walk through.
The runway was right there.
You know how someone walks when they know eyes are on them?
-You know, that kind of walk. -Mm-hm.
-Mm-hm. Yeah. -I like that.
So, he was doing that and like, staring.
And so, I was real... Like I said, I was in a zone.
I was so not into dating.
I didn't wanna date anybody. So, I wasn't even feeling the energy
-that I was receiving from the stares. -[chuckles]
so... [laughs] so, I went to the restroom,
and then I came back with my sister. And then,
on the way back, jb was like, "excuse me. Excuse me.
You know, can I talk to you?"
and I was like... [laughs]
-I was like, "uh, no." -[both laugh]
it was September of 09. I was a reader, um, for a play
called fetch clay, make man.
She had come in. She was the last person of that day.
And um,
when she was finished, I was done, we ended up on the elevator at the same time.
-Mm-hm. -And it was a very quick exchange. Just like,
-"hey, how are you? Good job in there." -"oh, hey. Thank you so much."
-you know? -Yeah. And we kind of walked off 'cause...
You know, we walked off before it would get awkward.
There was no, like, "oh, maybe you're interested.
Maybe I should get her number." nothing like that.
Just a few months later, we were in rehearsals for the play,
and that's when he, uh, came.
-Yeah. -Um, he joined the cast.
And it was just a handful of us.
-Yeah. Seven in total. -It was like, what? Six in-- seven in total?
-Yeah, and only three of us under the age of like, 50. -That's right. That's right.
So, three of us really became cool.
And as time was going on, I was like...
-"huh?" -mmm-hmm.
Tommy and I met at the toronto film festival.
Um, I was doing pr for canon, the camera company.
And we had like, a lounge with a hollywood reporter.
And I walked in on that day,
it was a Monday,
um, it was September 9th.
I walked in on that day and saw one of
few, if any, handsome, black filmmakers.
And I was like, "who is this?"
we had a face sheet. I can see, like, okay, tommy oliver.
He has a movie at the film festival.
So, I go over to where he is looking at the equipment.
And I introduced myself with my card and I said,
"I'm codie. I work with the canon team.
If you're interested in, you know, talking about the equipment,
you know, here's my information."
he was like, "okay."
we talked very briefly and that was it.
He um, he let me get away.
-You know what I'm saying? I was surprised by it. -[chuckles]
and I was surprised by it for real.
Uh, so that was that.
And after that, in all truth, and he knows this,
I googled him.
"cause he's a filmmaker, I really didn't wanna date a filmmaker at all.
So, I google him, I find out that he went to carnegie mellon and studied...
-[chuckles] -...Digital media and economics.
-And business. -And business.
And I was like, "ooh, he smart."
and I liked it.
He was like, "what you doing?" I'm like, "getting ready to go on a date."
I'm ironing my clothes. I'm getting ready.
I'm about to, you know, go to the restaurant.
And I was like, "I really don't wanna go on this date but my friends set me up.
-And I'm just gonna go see." -[chuckles]
and he's like, "well, you should be going out with me."
I'm like, "we have been on the phone for I don't know how long at this point." I'm like,
"what are you talking about?"
and he was like, "nah, I really think, like,
you gonna dig me. I think you gonna dig me."
-like, he's pitching me. And I'm like... -I said, "dig me"?
-Did I say, "dig me"? Okay. -Probably.
-"dig me". -I think you gonna dig me.
-Is that how... Like, "you gonna dig..." [laughs] -right. No, right. Exactly.
-Yeah. -And I'm like, "okay. Uh... Well...
You know, I don't know. Like, we're really good friends.
Like, I don't wanna mess that up."
so, I still went on the date. I don't know what he did.
-He was just sitting there... What was you doing? -I'm chilling on the couch.
-[laughs] waiting. -Uh, you just waiting.
-And the date was horrible. -That's right. I said I knew it would be.
-It was horrible. -You know the dude didn't even sound nice.
-I was racing to go back home so I can call him. -And I mean... Yeah.
-Mm-hm. -Yeah.
-I thought about you the whole time. -You heard that?
-She was racing. She was like this. -I thought about you.
-[both laughing] -I diss.
-Sorry to that man. Sorry to that man. -Sorry to that man.
-Sorry. -[both laugh]
truthfully, I thought he was like, this too cool for school,
in a different world,
had no grounding down to earth at all.
Why'd you think that?
Um, I had a studio right next to the studio where she used to record at.
So, we would see each other passing int he hallway and stuff but
it was more of like, "hey, how you doing?" you know, I was a songwriter.
She's obviously an artist. And uh...
It was just good to see each other in passing, but,
um, we got to be intensive with each other on a writing trip.
-Uh, on an island. -On an island.
-Called bequia. -Mm-hm.
So, it was like a camp, a writing camp for producers, artists and songwriters.
That was the first time we got a chance to like, sit and have a conversation.
I just remember saying...
"he's cool as hell. And he's funny corny, like me."
and I had no idea.
'cause, truthfully, I thought he was like, this too cool for school,
in a different world,
had no grounding down to earth at all.
-Why'd you think that? -I don't know.
You were pretty and you were doing things.
-[laughing] -you don't get busy.
So, we were at a all black party.
Uh, close-knit people. Uh... [laughs]
right.
And, uh, I was going up the escalator.
And ray was coming down the escalator.
And in the venue that we were in, it was very dimly lit.
-And for some reason, ray had on sunglasses. -Yeah.
And so, the person that I was with, I said to her, I said,
-"look at him with them stupid-ass sunglasses on." -just like that.
And I said it loud and I pointed, like, literally, right at him.
Went down the escalator, came back up the escalator
and by the time he had come back up, I was on the dance floor.
So, he walked up to me and he said, "you wanna dance?"
yeah, that's-- why is that my voice? First of all?
-[both laughing] -'cause that's what he sounded like in my head.
'cause if you would've saw how ray slid up on me,
he gave me the drake light skin slide.
-You know what I'm saying? -Do the voice one more time.
"you wanna dance?" so,
when he said that, I said "no.
I don't dance with strangers." that's exactly what I said.
She was pretty aggressive.
Um, but it was cute. And she was cute.
-I was not aggressive. -[laughing] yeah, no, you were aggressive.
You were pretty aggressive.
Um, but I liked it. I was like, "strong black woman
-trying to go after what she wants." -we were 22 and 23.
-He basically had moved to la with his ex. -[laughs]
which is also the craziest part of the story.
Unbeknownst to me, we're meeting and flirting. I'm like, "oh, my gosh.
This guy is dealing with his ex
-everyday still at the time." -yeah.
So, of course, he was like, "nah, I wanna play the field. I wanna try to,"
-you know, whatever. -Yeah.
So, it was five years of us seeing each other,
we would be at mutual friends' houses or hang out here and there.
-But it wasn't... We weren't like-- -nothing was established.
-Nothing was established. We weren't going on dates. -It was very casual.
-Like... -Yeah.
-There was no cadence. Yeah. -He would just like hit me up after a late night out.
-Yeah. -And be like, "are you up?"
-and like an idiot I'd be like, "yeah, come by." like... -[laughs]
-so silly. And he would, you know... -Oh, yeah.
-...Wake up the next morning, "bye!" and you know... -And then we wouldn't talk for
-three weeks. -You know, couple weeks or something like, yeah.
I would be mad about something. He would be mia. It just-- we did that for...
-Yeah, we did after a while. -A really long time actually.
Jb was like, you know, "I see you guys are in this super long line.
You know, you guys are at the back of the line,
in this long line.
And there's a table open next to me.
And I know the waiter.
And I can ask him if he can just get you guys seated if you want me to.
Like, is that cool?"
and beautiful women shouldn't stand in a line like that.
A long line like that, you standing at the back of the line? No.
And then I was like, "that would be really nice."
and so, then he asked the waiter,
the waiter had us, you know, get seated with the whole crew.
And jb smoov is so smooth.
-Mm. -Because when we were sitting there, he was just like,
one time, he just looked over there, he's like, "excuse me, you okay? You guys good?"
I was like, "yeah."
and he didn't bother me the rest of the night.
He just was smooth as hell. He knew what he was doing, right?
-So... -[both laughing]
one night, there's a lunch or a dinner break for tech rehearsal.
Maybe five of us or so, we're supposed to go to this restaurant, eat together.
But um,
one by one, people kept falling off till it was just me and her left.
And she came up to me and she's like, "I mean, everybody else is kinda backed out.
So, should we...?" I was like, "I mean, I'm still hungry."
-yeah. -"we could go."
and he ended up charming the mess out of me,
you know, at this thing.
And I'm laughing every five seconds.
After this date, you know, I realized that I...
Come into the understanding that he's interested.
-But I, again... -Yeah. I paid the bill.
He did. That was the time where we finally, sort of, confronted, like,
"okay, you're interested. I think you're, you know, amazing.
But spiritually, I think, we're in two different places
and I've been there, done that and can't do that again. Um..."
it's not healthy. And so, you know.
So, once we had this conversation and sort of got all of it out into the light,
we were able to just be friends.
-But of course, fell in love like, um, really quickly. -Yeah. Yeah.
We had been friends for a few months.
And we went to ihop one night and I was like,
"I like you. I like you."
and I can't remember if you said you liked me back.
-I don't think you did. -I... I...
-I was almost like... [laughs] -I don't think you did.
-[laughing] it was almost like,
-"I appreciate you sharing that with me." -[both laugh]
-"I respect the vulnerability that it takes." [laughs] -bless you. [laughs]
-he was so nervous. -Bless you. I was. I was. I was.
But for me, it wasn't like, I didn't take it lightly, right?
It wasn't that kind of thing.
And it also wasn't awkward.
But I just wasn't there.
-Mm-hm. -'cause you were such a good friend.
And then you didn't make it awkward. We just kind of moved on.
-And that was it. -Yeah. Yeah, I don't really do the awkward thing.
Yeah. It was...
Did you still pay the bill though? Did you make me pay it?
[sighs] I don't know.
We left and went to, like, this kind of after hours eating spot.
And while we were there,
as soon as our food kind of hit the table,
ray walked in with the people that he had went to the party with.
And he walked over to the table
and he introduced himself to everybody very politely.
And when the food, like, everybody kind of got everything,
he said, "can I bless the table?"
-and I was like, "oh, jesus, this is it." -[laughs]
"I hear you, god."
-so... -And we were immediately...
-...In a relationship. -And we were immediately married, like.
-So, that happened-- -immediately.
Yeah, like, so that happened, um, the party happened on the Saturday.
We went out that Sunday, which was
-the, um, 6th. -Sixth, yeah.
November 6th, 2016.
And we have pretty much been together everyday since then.
After my first marriage, I was like, "I'm not getting married."
I was just like, "I'm done. That was crazy." right?
And so, I went on, like, my dating rampages.
You know what I mean? I just started dating.
And was just like, "yeah, I'll just be, you know,
I'll just date, you know, forever." you know what I mean?
And then, I got into like, you know, some other different relationships
that went longer than that.
Um, and then those didn't work out.
So, then I was like, "okay, you need to...
You need to kind of like, work on yourself." you know what I mean? How about that?
And so, it was beautiful within me thinking in that process
where then now, all of a sudden what happened was was that
I have this friendship that blossomed.
I remember one date, we actually skipped.
-[chuckles] -remember that? [laughs]
so, I had a test.
I was like, "if he liked me for real,
he'll skip with me in public."
so, I... [laughs]
-bro... -[both laughing]
so, it was like, I sent him through a series of different tests.
-A lot of different series of tests that happened. -Yeah.
-That randomly I would just throw out there. -Yeah.
And he's like, "you want me to skip?"
and I'm like, "yeah, let's hold hands and skip."
we were some-- where were we?
-We, uh... -I don't know. Somewhere public.
Yeah, no. We were... [laughs]
yeah, we were outside.
And then, we just started to skip. You know what I mean? Down the street.
I'm sure people saw us.
So I was-- but it was fun though. Like, it was super fun.
-It was just regular skip. He wasn't... -[laughs]
she basically says, like, "hey.
Um, so, look, I get the sense that you might like me.
Um, and that's great.
But please forgive me if I'm being presumptuous.
But if you do, I think it's important that you know
I'm a christian woman. Like, I don't date really.
I'm not sure you are.
I don't wanna assume you're not a christian.
But I don't get the sense that you are. And that's fine."
-mm-hm. -"but I just... I can't... I don't date.
And if we're not on that same page.
So, it's like, it's probably better that we just be friends."
and then she tried to kind of just drop that on me and leave.
Like, "I'll just go now." and I was like, "wait. Wait. Wait, wait, wait."
you can't just say all that and not give me a chance to respond at least.
-Like, please. Okay? Just have a seat. Let's chat. -Yeah.
And... So, essentially, after that I said,
I said, "you're right." and I was being legit.
Some people, some friends, they hear it and are like,
"no, you trying to get with jesus so you can get with your girl."
I'm like, "no, for real."
I was genuinely curious.
I was like, "so, what do you have going on?"
'cause what you have going on is different from
most of the people that I know that have christ in their life.
-Mm. -"tell me more."
we met in very different places, personally.
So, despite being in a relationship or not,
I just feel like, my year and a half of being single and dating
gave me time and space to do a lot of self-work,
learn lot about myself, I did a lot of spiritual work
and all of it.
And I came to a place where I was very clear on what I wanted from my life.
Whereas, jared, I felt
hadn't taken the time or had the space to really figure that out for himself.
Being in a long relationship meeting me, having a little bit of time but...
-I feel like... -Yeah.
And so, that became, like, a thing for us.
It's funny because, like, two months into us hanging out,
back in new york, I said to him,
I was like, "look, this is no pressure and no stress.
But I'm letting you know right now,
I'm not the girl that you're gonna say we're 'hanging out' or 'dating' a year from now."
whatever, bro.
I was like, "it's not me. And I'm gonna let you know I'm not that girl."
and so, after that year of, like, push and pull,
I can only say the thing that I can...
I digested as, is just that
he hadn't figured out, like,
"well, if I've met the person that I really could be with for the rest of my life.
-Am I ready... " like, "am I reedy for that?" -am I actually ready for it?
You know what I mean? Even though I knew it was special.
I wasn't. I just wasn't ready for it yet.
You were willing to, basically,
let me go.
-Which, by the way, was big for me because... -Wack.
[laughs] no, I had just...
I had never broken up with someone in love.
There was always something that was like,
"you did this." or there's just like, this breaking point.
I just recognized that whatever he was going through,
personally, had nothing to do with me.
I think the term "situationship" is so, uh...
-Appropriate. Yeah. -...Appropriate.
-It's just-- that's exactly what it was. -Just bang on.
And also, you know, I think a huge part of the story is that
we met at 22 and 23,
but we're getting older. So, like,
the kind of, like, games,
and like, I see him, you know, one day, don't talk to him for a couple of... Whatever.
That was cool for a little bit.
But then, now, I'm like, 25, 26,
-I have different wants, I have different... -Hm.
I want someone that's like, you know, a constant part of my life.
We're growing in how we feel about each other.
Um, we've obviously gotten to know each other now, over five years.
But what do we have to show for it?
-Yeah. Yeah. -That's really how I felt about it. It was kind of like,
"okay, but you're still, like, a random person in my life, technically." and...
-The older I got, the less space I had for that. -Mm-hm.
He says, "don't move." he like, looks to me, he's like, "don't move."
and I was like, "okay."
and then, as soon as he was gone, I was out.
I went to, like, another part of the party. I started taking shots.
Like, that was it. And I was done.
...I was about to turn, uh, 35.
-Yeah. -I was 34 when we met.
But we met in November. My birthday fell in January, so...
-Yeah. And I would've been what? 28? -Yeah.
-Ooh. -Right.
Cougar paws, okay?
-Cougar paws. Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah, buddy.
And ray doesn't present a younger guy vibe.
Like, even when I, you know, walked up to him,
or he... He doesn't come off like that at all.
-He comes off very, very debonair. -Right. [laughs]
very old man sweet, you know what I'm saying?
-Very old man smooth. -That's how I get you.
Yeah. That's exactly how.
-Like some good bourbon. That's how ray comes off. -Yeah. She's got a point.
-I was attracted by the age gap. Like, her... -Yeah.
-I saved her number in my phone... -As "35".
-When we first met. -...She was 35.
-He saved it as "35". -[laughing]
he was calling me "35" to his friends.
-"yeah, I'm going out with 35 tonight." -I still am. "hello, this 35?"
so, I saw him later in a large theatre
and we waved from across the room.
And then I saw him late that night, at a party.
So, he walks up, we start talking about the recent premier that he's had
and... And I said,
-"when do you leave the festival?" right, okay. -Mm-hm.
So I said, "when do you leave the festival?" and he said, "Saturday."
this was Monday. So I said, "well, we don't leave until Wednesday night,
but we don't work on Wednesday during the day,
if you wanted to, like, chat."
and he said, "are you hitting on me?"
-and I was like, "uh... I don't know." -[chuckles]
because like, that's all... I mean, come on. Who asks that?
And I was not ready.
Nor did I feel like I was hitting on him.
So, I said, "I don't know."
and like, right at that moment, somebody comes over and they're like,
"tommy, I need you to come over here..." and da-da-da-da.
And he says, "don't move."
he looks to me, he's like, "don't move." and I was like, "okay."
and then, as soon as he was gone, I was out.
I went to, like, another part of the party, I started taking shots.
Like, that was it. I was done.
-And shortly thereafter, he came and found me. -Mm-hm.
And we wound up talking until 3:00 in the morning that night?
-Mm-hm. -And then we talked until
5:00 in the morning the next night.
And then, we did have lunch at Wednesday?
-And that's now we met. -That is how we met.
It was fast.
-Oh! -[chuckling]
it was one rainy afternoon.
You know, we were at a place called red cafe on beverly boulevard
right down the street from her apartment.
And she had on this little-- I think she had stanford you know, sweatshirt on.
-My brother goes. -Her brother is a graduate from stanford.
Sweats. And she had a little bob.
She had that little bob back there. The little halley berry bob...
A little bob. A cute little thing, right?
And she was-- she had a boyfriend at the time. Some dude she was dating.
Right? 'cause we were just platonic, you know?
And she was complaining about this cat.
You know, "yeah, yeah, yeah."
I remember the moment she put her hands to hair like this... [inhales deeply]
you know, "he's just getting on my nerves." I looked at her like...
-"uh-oh." right at that moment. -[laughing]
I don't know what was going on with her.
She's talking about this dude she's seeing. All good.
I ain't got nothing against my man.
You know what I mean? But I'm like,
right at that moment, I'mma find a way over in that direction.
And right at that moment, my whole focus was like,
-phew, and now... -Was that, like...
-That was like, two months in? -That was about two or three months in.
-After meeting. -After meeting.
-Okay. -Two or three months. But friendship, which is great,
you know, I didn't know then, you know, my early 20s, that friendship is the best basis
-to build something substantial off of. -Yeah.
You're just thinking, "attraction is the thing."
and, you know, that kind of, "whoo!"
can go in like, three more days, right?
So, I didn't know at the time, but what had happed for us through grace was,
friendship was forming already
and then the hotness came in there.
Once she did this thing with her hair up, I was like, "oh, she fine!"
he was just starting his career,
and my career was just starting to flourish.
So, we were both moving fast. Like,
our teams, like, our management,
our, you know, entourage, hated each other's.
Like, they hated him and his whole entourage hated me because,
like, time, schedules,
none of those things made any sense.
Like, there was times I'd be on tour and be like, "um...
I'm going home for a couple of days."
"like, in the middle of tour?" "yeah, I just... I'll be back."
-and he's... Like. Oh, my god. -[laughs]
he's annoying and vice versa.
Like, when I would show up, like, he'd be overseas and he gets there, he's like,
"hey, babe. I'm glad you could make it."
and they're looking like, "she's in denmark?"
-like... -[both laughing]
"why is she is annoyed with us?"
but, um, it was definitely...
We were really young.
Like, I don't think I realized until more recently
how young we were when we met.
Like, when I look at, you know, our children, like,
I'm like, "if one of them was to get married right now,
I would literally die." like, what?
I feel like, we're definitely different.
-Uh, 25, 26, 27 that we were... -Yeah, yeah.
...Is not, like, 25, 26 now.
We went to ihop one night.
And, you know, ihop, bill's usually like $15-20, for two.
And gave to the waitress my debit card.
Came back, "sorry, sir."
-[both chuckling] -"I'm sorry, sir.
-You just don't have..." -[laughs]
"came back. Sorry, sir. It came back."
-why'd I have to do that, boy? -Then, you act shocked, right?
-And, right, I was like... -[both laughing]
-"run it again." -[both continue laughing]
"no, no. Try it again. Try it again."
but...
But what did it was, it wasn't like a,
"all right. This broke dude. I'm not..."
it was, "all right, we gotta run to the atm then."
and so, she could've never went out with me,
ever again.
To the point where when she told my mom that story,
-my mom was like, "and you still with him?" -[both laughing]
when I met jb, um,
I had actually been celibate for two years.
So, that's why I wasn't interested in the catcall in the restaurant.
-I was like, "what does he want? Like, what is this?" -[laughs]
uh, you know, went out with him
and I could feel like, just like, right away,
everything that was happening in the, you know, the date,
I felt like, "this is..." not just, like, "oh, my god,
-this is the man for the rest of my life." -mm-hm.
But I knew he was a man.
And I'm like, "this is what I would want for myself."
so, it wasn't like, "this my husband." it wasn't that.
It was like, you know, "this is what I will want as a man in my life."
we actually weren't intimate for five months into the relationship.
So, like, at that point, I was like, "you my man."
because now, we didn't crossed over the border, like...
[laughing] ...You know what I'm saying? Things that we crossed the line.
Done put some money on that layaway.
-He put-- you know what? [laughing] -[laughs]
-I've made him wait three months for a kiss. -Yeah.
-Like, so we would kiss on the cheek.
We would get close.
-Yeah. -But like, I was like, "I don't want you...
To think that I'm easy, in any type of way.
Because I'm not."
-and... [laughs] yeah. -"and I want you to understand that this is...
...Genuine. And because we're friends,
like, I really just wanna--"
I cherished our friendship and what we had.
So, I really wanted him to know, like, that,
you know, we can go slow.
Like, if we're gonna be together, we gonna be together.
We have more than enough time to kiss.
-Yeah. -So, I kind of kept that, like, "no. Not yet."
-now, let me tell you-- -he would walk me to my door.
-Like, very gentleman. You know? -[chuckles]
yeah, walk her to the door, all that stuff.
You expect, I mean, usually, it's kiss time.
I mean, I go on all the time, you know?
And so... But what was dope about this though,
it was the...
What she did was like, it was the romantic chase.
Like, I'll be like, "madame." you know what I mean?
So, it almost felt like that.
But in my world, that just gave me like,
"oh, this woman is... This is really different."
you know what I mean? I'm vying for a kiss right now.
I didn't feel the pressure of having to, like,
get her or make some decision and be like, yes or no,
-'cause we're in princeton, we got his play going on. -Mm-hm.
It's just me and her and all other castmates.
-It's like, we ain't going nowhere. It's wintertime. -Mm-hm.
-I was like, "hey, I got time. I don't have to... Push. -Mm-hm.
You know, to push this, I don't have to put the pedal to the metal.
I could just wait. Let's see what happens.
-Let's just let it breathe. -Right.
And in that, you know, sort of free space,
um, you know, we fell madly in love.
Very quickly. You know, I prayed diligently about it.
And I really believe,
um, you know, I heard from god about it.
And it was... You know, what I heard was like, "hey, you know, just be friends."
and so, there was that, like, root conflict right there.
Um, because I've, you know, felt that I'd heard
one thing from god.
But we were just falling deeper and deeper in love.
I asked my mom, actually, I was like, "what do you think about robert?"
and it almost seemed like she was waiting for me to ask the question,
'cause she was like, "I really like him for you."
and I think she realized that we have that foundation of friendship.
You know, my mom knows that, and my family were really big with, you know...
Being funny and not taking ourselves seriously.
And robert was like that.
So, I think she noticed that that was a big deal for me.
And I was glad that my mom mentioned it
because I had friends who,
and I think they meant well,
but the idea was, for a lot of my friends,
is you should find someone who's much more established, right?
-Who can pay the ihop bill, who can... -[laughs]
or maybe that's...
-Maybe that's an understandable... [laughs] -yeah. Yeah.
"who can pay the ihop bill."
-you know, ihop yeah. -That is an understandable expectation.
Yes, we finally kissed.
-The kiss was really nice. -It was magical.
It was magical.
And we did the kiss.
And then, after the kiss, uh,
I guess I went home and made this song.
But I was into that.
Like, I was into, like, I would write songs.
-Did do that for years and poetry and stuff. -Poetry, yeah.
And so, it's a good way to express yourself.
You know, however you're feeling.
And I was just like, "all right. I'm gonna write her a song."
you know what I mean? [laughs] and it was called "more than a friend".
Right? And so... [laughs] I was like,
♪ more than a friend ♪
mm-hm.
♪ I kissed her last night now we are ♪
♪ more than a friend ♪
-aye! -Yeah!
♪ I kissed her last night... ♪ something like that.
It was a whole verse.
The beat was hard. I had a whole verse, a hook, music and...
The whole dime.
-It was difficult... To convince her. -[laughs]
-this guy. -It was hard. I was like...
"I never thought that this would be so hard."
every time she wasn't with me, I would miss her so much.
So, that kind of helped me decide like,
I can't be without this person.
You know, I feel better when she is in my presence.
One day, I had left, I came home from court,
I was having, like, a very stressful day.
And I'm just like, talking about the people in my life and...
Like, if things go bad, who's gonna be there, who's not gonna be there.
I was just like, you know, just thinking of the worst case scenario.
That's just what I do.
Like, he's the mr. Think-on-the-bright-side.
I'm always like, "what's the worst possible thing that can happen?"
and I was just telling him what I think is
the worst possible thing that could happen.
He was like, "oh, you're a great person.
But I don't think that's gonna be the case.
You do a lot for everybody. Like, everyone's gonna be there."
and he's like, "I'm telling you right now, like,
I will marry you. Like..."
and I'm just sitting there like, watching him put--
like, he's like, "I'm pouring my heart out." he's like,
"I will marry you. I will be there. Like,
you'd be my wife." and...
I'm sitting there, like, "so...
I have to go to prison for you to marry me?"
he's like, "how did you just get there?" I'm like,
"I don't wanna..." like, I just started going crazy, like,
I guess, like, in his own way,
that was his way of assuring me, like, "yo, no matter what
I'm gonna be here with you.
Even if-- like, I'll marry you
so that you know how serious I am about it."
but I was just so pissed off.
Like, I was like, "don't even bring it up again."
-it was difficult... To convince her. -[laughs]
-this guy. -No, it was hard. I was like...
"I never thought that this would be so hard."
but I knew I was ready. You know what I'm saying?
I knew the space. Mentally,
I knew I was there in life.
Like I said, I asked myself that question.
See, a lot of people make this mistake of it.
That's why they get into marriage, they get divorced
they have temptations to cheat
because they never had that conversation with themselves.
And that conversation is very important because, I'mma be honest with you,
for some men, they never even consider
being with one person. They not even gonna think about that.
I was always, always open and honest with her.
-Yes. -And I never like, tried to pull the wool over her eyes.
I wasn't like, "I'm not talking to nobody, it's just me and you."
um, I was like, "no. When I see you, I see you.
When I don't, like, I'm...
On some other stuff."
-but um... -Mm-hm.
But I also was like, "don't wait for me.
If somebody is treating you the way that you want to be treated,
by all means, go explore that.
Hopefully, you're around when I am ready.
But if you aren't, then I gotta deal with that.
Like, that's something that I gotta live with.
Um, but I'm willing to take that chance because I know
that if I get into a relationship with you right now,
-I'm just gonna dog you." um... -Mm-hm.
And I didn't wanna do that because, again, like, she was my friend.
In retrospect, I really appreciate that.
Who wants to be with someone that's not ready?
And who wants to have to give someone ultimatums,
-which I never did either, which I'm grateful... -Yeah.
...We never did that type of stuff.
Um, but...
I always-- I do need to give you credit for,
you know, darroll was always incredibly honest.
Yeah, you were always incredibly honest.
But the honestly used to really hurt me.
So, she came to my apartment one Thursday or Wednesday.
Sat down in my living room.
I'm sitting on the couch, she's sitting right there.
-She crossed her leg, just like she's facing him. -Another moment
-where he can remember exactly... [laughs] -and she took out--
-I'm let her tell her stories. I'm not tryna disrupt that. -You're not.
-I'mma be a humble husband today. -You are just like-- yes.
I won't be indignant.
So, she stands around and cross her legs and she had this paper,
she had this fertility chart. She was like, "yeah. So.
I need to get married on this day
because if I could get a baby on this day,
I could have a baby on this day."
and it was the most
insane thing I had ever heard in my entire human life.
And I'm not-- I was raised by a single parent mom, I got four older sisters.
You know, I'm not unaccustomed to women.
I'm not one of those guys, "I don't know how to--" no, I was raised around aunties,
I'm familiar with black women my whole...
I walked into the world all surrounded by black women.
You know, so I'm not unaccustomed to my sisters, my people talking to me.
But this was the most insane thing I had ever heard.
When she was gonna tell me when I'm gonna propose, and when we gonna have babies.
I was like, "how does that, all that, happen with you?"
-I was just laughing. But I knew she-- -and when I was--
-but hold on. But she was sincere. -[laughs]
-and when you look at it, you know, she was sincere. -I was so sincere.
So, I couldn't like, laugh at her.
-I just had to be like, laugh inside. -He was laughing.
But it was bubbling out over.
-You did laugh out loud. -I hope-- I was trying to fight that, baby.
-So, I was like, "okay." -'cause he was like, "this is so huge."
"really? Wow. And that's my paper. That's what I have to do.
Whoa. Okay.
Well, that's-- thank you so much.
-And I really do appreciate these inputs." -"for your input."
[laughing] and we'll-- I'mma just hold on to these papers.
When I felt like he was still kind of trying to figure it out,
I think, for me, I was just like, "okay. Oh, well...
What's happening? 'cause I'm in new york."
and it was becoming harmful to me.
Like, I felt like I wasn't
full ashley. I wasn't my happiest self.
I wasn't my best self. I wasn't...
I was worried about what other people were doing.
Namely him, and whoever was with him at the time.
I said, "you don't have to call me, you don't have to check on me.
I'll be fine. Don't call me just to chit-chat. No small talk.
Like, go do whatever it is that you need to do for your life."
it's all good. But like, we don't get to be friends.
I'm not trying to be this crazy person
who's just like, making stuff up, like, "god told me..." you know?
And so, I said, "all right, lord. Like, I need you to confirm this for me.
I need you to confirm those for me
because I wanna be with this man and...
This seems to be the man you've made for me.
It seems that I was made for him."