♪♪
[ Tires squeal ]
♪♪
[ Growls ]
[ Screaming ]
♪♪
Any last questions before I send you back in time to 1888?
I do, Agent Garcia. What is it that we're 'sposed to be doing?
I wasn't paying attention because you're boring.
Yeah, you're boring.
Oh, okay, we'll go through it again. You see --
Somebody named Black Bart is stealing horses --
from time itself. -[ Clears throat ]
If we don't stop him in 1888,
civilization will cease to exist because... Okay.
...horses were the building blocks of American society
in the late 1800s. -Are you prepared?
I've studied everything there is to know
about Black Bart and the Old West.
I'm terrific at rounding up posses.
And I'm great at killing things with my gun.
Ah, but you can't kill things when you time travel, Branski.
You see, there's a butterfly effect and wh--
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
You can't kill anything because of time travel.
Can I at least kill horses?
Your mission is to save the horses. Hmm.
Have you ever, in your life, cared
about another living creature? Nope.
How 'bout this -- you can kill aliens
or anything not from this Earth. Okay?
-Okay. -Okay. Heh. On your way, then.
Good luck. Mwah.
Mwah. Mwah.
M-m-m-m-m-mwah.
Why do you have to be so boring, Garcia?
One of these days, you'll make a friend.
Branski, we're in 1888!
All this just to save some stupid horses.
I've been practicing all the colloquial phrases
of the time -- check it out.
How do, sir?
I'm right heartily pleased to make your --
-[ Sneezes ] -Ugh!
Ugh!
[ Dry-heaves ]
Bandit: Sheriff! [ Horses whinnies ]
I'm rightly taking that there horse on behalf of Black Bart.
But it's our last doggone horse!
Easy partner, no killing.
Remember what that boring guy said?
Garcia...
Get off your horse and fight me like a man.
Get off your feet and fight me like a horse!
Okay.
[ Grunts ]
[ Horse whinnies ]
Black Bart'll be here tomorrow at high noon
to kill y'all and snake your final horse.
[ Horse whinnies ]
Sheesh.
Black Bart and his boys have ruined town.
They ride in from Jagged Gulch, steal our horses,
and terrorize the people.
Not human. [ Organs squish ]
Not by far.
Finally! Something to kill.
I didn't think anybody could stop Black Bart.
Until this buckaroo came into town,
ripped one off his flesh saddle,
and another came out of that there horse vagina.
That's the kind of courage this town needs.
Here's the official sheriff's horse, Autumn Gold.
Treat him well.
We should take the fight to Black Bart before high noon.
I'll scout out Jagged Gulch on this dirty, disgusting horse.
We're going to need help taking on the gang.
And that'll be in the skin
of a classic old-school western posse.
Assembled by yours truly!
[ Retches, groans ]
And, Jen, just have fun in the Old West.
[ Groans ] J.A.S.O.N., scan symptoms.
J.A.S.O.N.: Typhoid fever, symptoms accelerated.
Prognosis -- positive.
99% chance of full recovery
with immediate treatment of penicillin.
-[ Cheers ] -Hooray!
Penicillin hasn't been invented yet, you dumb [bleep]
[Bleep]
Chubbie, you're gonna have to invent penicillin.
I need you to buy all these ingredients.
It's expensive -- do whatever you need to get the cash.
Yes! Sell that ass, Chubbie.
[ Strained ] Sell...that...ass...
Oooooh, yeah!
[ Saloon music playing ] [ Laughs heartily ]
[ Music stops ]
Which one of you dastardly dudes
wants to join my posse to take down Black Bart?
Hows about you, partner?
[ Grunts ]
[ Music resumes ] You made me walk backwards!
Better get you cleaned up, Autumn Gold,
if you want a guy like me riding you.
Yeah, there you go.
Huh, your mane is quite exquisite.
And your coat -- silky and smooth.
I've never felt this way about an animal before.
Black Bart's never taking you. Ever.
I get it now -- we have to save the horses.
[ Grumbling ]
I tip my bonnet to Chubbette.
[ Moaning ] She's making top dollar
screwing all the ugliest, diseased scoundrels in town!
Contrary to what I said earlier,
I'm terrible at rounding up posses.
Just look at me -- I'm an alcoholic.
Need a rock tosser for your posse?
You've got it all figured out.
[ Humming ]
It hurts! It hurts!
-What is it? You have an STD? -Ow! Ow!
But we don't need the penicillin anymore, Chubbie.
Can't you see, we're both fine!
Typhoid fever, Stage 2 -- Hallucinations. Death imminent.
-[ Whines ] -Follow me, Chubbie!
Remember, I know how to handle things in the Old West.
Excuse me sir, where in tarnation is that Black Bart?
You don't say. Much obliged.
Hubba-bubba-bub-bub-bub!
[ Hawk shrieks ]
Chubbie, stop acting crazy.
You're embarrassing me.
This way...
[ Shivers ] Chubbie, this is the roller-coaster line.
Black Bart is actually a roller coaster.
Ow, ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Black Bart, I was about to get Autumn Gold,
but someone got in the way --
someone stronger than the others.
Are you saying that he is stronger than me?!
[ Grunting ] -[ Choking ]
Nobody's stronger than Black Bart!
-[ Whines ] -[ Chokes, exhales deeply ]
[ Bodies thud ]
Boy, that Black Bart is scary. My heart's racing.
Good thing you have a classic western posse to back you up.
Who the heck is this?
Rock-throwing Rick!
Black Bart is taking all the horses into who-knows-where.
Autumn Gold stay here. French, stay here.
Useless rock guy...
Rock-throwing Rick.
...also stay here. [ Gun cocks ]
Sometimes you gotta kill a horse to save a horse.
♪♪
[ Gun cocks ]
[ Horse whinnies, gun cocks ]
Aah!
He used my head!
Everybody in the posse was essential, including me!
I'm sorry I doubted you, Rock-throwing Rick.
You're a hero. I hereby concede leadership to you.
What do we do now, Sheriff Rock-throwing Rick?
Let's go through that darn magic thing
and save those darn horses from that darn Black Bart.
♪♪
[ Machine beeps ]
[ Babbling ]
Chubbie, don't be crazy. We can't get out of line.
Man: Purify toxins. [ Gasps ]
Where... where am I?
-Oh, yeah! -I'm cured!
Chubbie, you saved us!
[ Machine whirs ]
Horse-ificaton process.
[ Bell dings ]
Huh? Chubbie, you idiot!
You turned us into horses!
Gimme a break, lady.
Branski: Black Bart, that bastard.
He's turning these beautiful creatures into monsters!
What should we do, Rock-Throwing Rick?
Partner, I'm fresh out of rocks and ideas.
But I reckon this here French has the gumption to take this darn base down.
Thanks, boss. If you ask me,
we have to gain access to the ship's mainframe. And save the horses.
Then set the ship to self-destruct.
-And save the horses. -And then save the horses.
That's the part I like.
Follow my lead, boys.
I'll follow you anywhere.
What now, Sheriff Rock-throwing Rick?
Maybe do something to that shiny thing.
Of course!
Who's the leader of this here posse?
That would be me, a-and I don't mind telling you,
I'm darn proud to be.
Me and my boys are here to stop your horse-thievin' ways,
and if you have somethin' to say, you need to say it to m--
Heaven awaits, boss. God bless your soul.
[ Gun cocks ]
I heard about you -- you're supposed to be strong!
I'm strong, but I'm also strong enough to know when to be weak.
You trying to confuse me? I'm the strongest!
Ain't nobody stronger than Black Bart!
What the hell you gonna do with that?
Branski: Shh. It's gonna be okay.
I'm gonna shoot you!
Whoa! Nobody's shooting anybody.
[ Horse cooing ] Hey!
Shh. Does that feel good? Ohh, it looks good.
You are a gorgeous steed. -Thank you!
Almost done now. You're special. Means a lot to me!
Self-destruct sequence initiated.
Hey, whoa! What?! How dare you?!
Nobody's getting off this ship alive!
And I took your brush!
[ Sobbing ]
[ Yells ]
Self-destruct in 30 seconds...
We'll never get out in time!
Let's go! Hop on!
French, mount my niece!
We're getting out of here on time --
and most importantly, saving the horses!
[ Alarm blaring ]
French! Jen and Chubbie are horses!
-Wow! Hah! -Ow! You mother [Bleep]
[ Gunshots ]
Uncle Mark, you have to -- [ Grunts ]
♪♪
That's all of them.
[ Bullet clinks ]
Not all of them.
They got you, Autumn Gold. -No!
Autumn Gold...
...I love you.
[ Gunshot ]
Damn, I missed.
♪♪
-Ow! Ow! -Ow! Ow!
-Aah! Stop it! Stop! -Ow!
♪♪