[birds chirping]
[cell phone vibrating]
God.
[exhales]
- Dr. Wexler. - Hey!
I hope I didn't wake you.
[exhales]
No, no, not at all. What is up?
Uh, I've got good news and less good news.
[Sandy] Okay, uh...
Let's start with the less good news.
Pick again.
- The good news. - Ah!
The good news is you don't have to worry about cancer.
Great!
Oh, that's, uh, that's great!
Thanks, doc.
Uh, and the less good news?
We did find a couple of slow-moving
cancer cells in the biopsy.
Wait. So I do have prostate cancer?
[Dr. Wexler] Technically, yes.
But, uh, you don't have to worry about it.
I mean, we gotta keep our eye on it,
but frankly, at your age,
somethin' else in your body is gonna kill you
before your prostate does.
[sighs] I'm confused.
Is this a cause for celebration?
Well, it's a little early in the morning,
but sure, maybe a mimosa.
- Yeah, baby! - What?
What?
[cell phone vibrating]
Uh, h-hang on, Doc.
Norman, can I call you back?
I-I think I made a mistake throwing Phoebe out.
No, you didn't. Listen, I finally got the urologist
on the other line.
Wexler? Tell him I hope he gets his index finger
caught in a wood chipper.
Will do.
Listen, I'm, I'm, I'm really worried.
J-just hang on.
Sorry. So what do I do about the constant peeing?
It's still me.
Oh, shit.
What do I do about the constant peeing?
Ah, well, I'll, I'll write you up a prescription
for an alpha-blocker that'll increase the flow.
That sounds good. Side effects?
Well, the one that most guys complain about
is called retrograde ejaculation.
Which is...
When you orgasm,
instead of the sperm comin' out of your penis
it shoots back into your bladder.
You're fucking kidding me.
I shit you not.
But it's no big deal.
It makes for a nice tidy blow job.
Jeez, I don't know. I mean, the mess is half the fun.
- Suit yourself. - Ah. Screw it.
- Call it in to my pharmacy. - Yeah.
Yeah, I'll call it in for you. Have a nice day.
"Have a nice day?" You just told me I've got cancer.
Yeah, but you've got the nice kind.
Bye-bye!
[theme music]
Well, you just can't sit around here and worry.
Sure, I can. I'm actually very good at it.
Maybe you should think about going back to work.
It's better that I worry there?
[telephone ringing]
You know, I sat holding my phone for 20 minutes.
I'm sorry. I, I just forgot.
Yeah? Well, that happens at your age. What did Wexler say?
Uh, he said I'm, uh, fine. Clean bill of health.
More importantly, what do you wanna do about Phoebe?
Well, now Eileen's suggesting that I give it some time.
Maybe go back to work.
Eileen? Oh, Norman, Norman, you're just...
You're, you're freakin' me out.
I like to believe she's still looking after me.
What's the harm in that?
I guess there isn't any.
Your daughter told me she hears you
in the bathroom talking to your genitals.
So which one of us is crazy?
Okay! All right! Okay!
I'm, I'm not judging!
When was the last time you were in the office?
Oh...
It's gotta be... two years.
Two years?
No wonder I don't get any auditions!
Hey, I still submit you for everything.
You don't work because you're a renowned acting coach
and y-you intimidate other actors.
- That is such bullshit. - Honest to God.
I hear it from casting directors all the time.
Really?
Why would I lie about something like that?
Okay. Well, thanks.
You're welcome.
Are we still on for dinner tonight?
- Sure. - Okay.
Bye.
God bless him, I think he bought it.
Lying bald-headed fuck.
[instrumental music]
[Sandy] Slow-moving cancer?
Show me a guy with slow-moving cancer.
I'll show you a guy with cancer.
Look at these people.
Happy, clueless.
Taking their assholes for granted.
Here's my future.
Except I'll be alone and have to pay some poor Haitian lady
to push the wheelchair and change my diaper.
[music continues]
[grunts]
[indistinct chatter]
Come on. Let's go.
Okay.
[cell phone vibrating]
[clears throat]
- Hey, Min. - Hey.
You have a class in five minutes. Where are you?
Oh, shit. I totally spaced.
Can you cover that for me?
I guess, sure. Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. I just lost track of time.
Did you get your biopsy results?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Everything is...
good, not to worry.
- For real? - He's staring at us.
For real.
- Oh, for God's sakes. - What?
This woman in the playground, she thinks I'm a pedophile.
- What? - I gotta go.
Thanks for covering for me.
Excuse me, ladies!
I'm not a pervert.
I'm an actor.
[instrumental music]
[elevator bell dings]
[indistinct chatter]
- Mr. Newlander. - Hello, Carol.
I didn't know you were coming in.
Yeah, neither did I.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, dear.
He's here.
- Mr. Newlander. - Hi.
- [woman] Hi, Mr. Newlander. - Morning.
- Hello, Mr. Newlander. - Good morning, good morning.
Hello.
[man] Hi, Mr. Newlander.
Great to have you back, Norman.
Thank you. Thank you.
[man] Hello, sir.
Oh! Norman! It's so good to see you.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Nice to see you.
- [woman] Hi, Mr. Newlander. - Hi. Hi.
- [woman] Hi, Mr. Newlander. - Ladies.
Oh, hi.
- Norman. - Hi, Jeanine.
Come here.
Oh-ho, we're hugging!
I didn't expect to see you so soon.
I thought you'd take some more time.
No, it's better I go back to work.
Well, sure. I understand that.
Keep your mind active.
Exactly.
My grandpa does the New York Times crossword puzzle every day.
Sounds like a terrific guy.
He also takes a salsa class.
Wow, great.
- Uh, do me a favor. - Anything.
Let's ask all the senior agents
to meet me in the conference room in ten minutes.
You got it.
- Earl Grey, little honey? - Yeah, please.
I am so delighted that you're back.
Give it time. The feeling will pass.
[chuckles]
[instrumental music]
The first time I saw my stepmother's pussy
was in a magazine.
It was right in the crease.
There was a staple on it.
Sherilynn was a Penthouse Pet of the Month
and a heroin addict.
My dad wanted me to call her "Mommy."
- Can you believe... - Shh!
[Mindy] I remember it was my ninth birthday.
He took us to Universal Studios.
It was a great day.
We went on the Wild West ride, The A-Team ride.
We had pizza and ice cream.
But the highlight of the day was
when we went on a tram ride
and the shark from Jaws came bursting out of the water.
Sherilynn screamed...
and emptied her bladder
all over my stuffed Woody Woodpecker.
What's happening?
Sandy's MIA. She's doin' her one-woman show.
Now, you'd think that would've been the end of our excursion,
but Sherilynn was the type of woman
who always had spare panties with her wherever she went.
Now, file this under information you don't need or want,
but she sold the dirty ones to Japanese businessmen.
Which is why Sandy Kominsky
has an export license for bio-waste.
[instrumental music]
Wow, these are beautiful.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
A little Mexican lady
on the freeway off-ramp was selling 'em.
I also got you a bag of oranges in the car.
Oh, very thoughtful. Thank you.
- Want some coffee? - Uh, no, thanks.
I got a long drive back, and, you know, I got this, um...
Oh, yeah, I know.
How, uh, how is that, by the way?
Great. Great. The doc says I'm gonna be fine.
No surgery.
Maybe some meds.
- Nothing to worry about. - That's wonderful.
Oh! What a relief, Sandy. Great.
Yeah, tell me about it.
So...
[sighs]
So...
You said you wanted to talk.
You drove all the way out here.
It's, it's your move, buddy.
Okay, right. My move.
Um...
Okay, here it is.
I think you and I are really good together
and that we should consider taking this relationship,
uh, to another level.
I see.
So, uh, so, we would go
from being friends to, uh, to what?
- Friends with benefits? - No, I hate that term.
- Let's say lovers. - No! Please, no, let's not.
- Why, what's wrong with lovers? - I don't know.
It's just, it's,
it's like it's from another decade, uh, maybe century.
I happen to think it's a fine word.
Okay, all right, well, forgetting for the moment
what we call it, um...
can I ask what caused this change of heart?
- What do you mean? - Don't be coy. Come on.
You've been playin' it pretty cool there, mister,
and now, all of a sudden, I'm gettin' flowers
and oranges from my lover.
- All right. I, I hear it now. - Yeah? Okay, good.
Look, it's pretty simple.
Between Eileen dying and my recent health scare,
my perspective has changed
regarding my feelings towards you.
Wow.
You have got some big, brass balls.
- In a good way? - No.
No. You're not here 'cause you're crazy about me.
You're here 'cause you don't wanna
walk the Green Mile all by yourself.
- "The Green Mile?" - Yeah.
You know, Tom Hanks, the big guy with the mouse.
- You know what I mean. - Hang on.
I did say we were good together.
Oh, hot, yeah.
And you and I both know
that being crazy about someone
doesn't last.
It's just happy brain juice that tricks you
into not getting a prenup.
Twice.
Ouch.
I mean, are you crazy about me?
You amuse me.
I'll take it.
Listen.
I'm a big fan of the crazy stuff,
but at the end of the day
I would rather be with somebody that I truly, really like.
Goddammit.
Come on.
I am probably gonna regret this.
There's a 50-50 chance that nothing will happen,
so maybe not.
If my daughter calls, pull me out of the meeting,
pull me out of the toilet, pull me out of anywhere.
Got it. How's she doing, by the way?
- You saw her at the funeral? - I did.
Sorry. Stupid question.
Look at that. No one talks to each other anymore.
They're talking.
Just to people who are elsewhere.
That's not talking. Talking is with your voice.
Eye contact, body language, maybe a gesture, touch.
Oh, there's no touching these days.
Don't touch anybody.
Okay. Wow.
Look at everyone wearing black.
Feels like another funeral.
[Norman laughs]
Too soon?
All right.
Before we start, I want to thank all of you
for your e-get well cards and your e-condolence cards.
Very thoughtful and, I suppose, very easy.
Norman, did your wife get the basket of vegan muffins I sent?
Uh, yes, Andrew, I believe she did. Thank you.
They're supposed to be, like, super healthy.
My wife died, Andrew.
Not the muffins' fault.
Uh, I've also been watching the quarterly numbers
and want to congratulate you on your good work.
Congratulations to you, Norman.
You built a great team.
Everyone here is pulling their weight.
Nice to know.
They just required a little bit
of guidance.
Sure, and thank you for that.
Oh, no need.
My job is to lighten your load.
Much appreciated.
You've got enough on your plate, right?
I don't know. I suppose.
In fact, you need to take some more time
to grieve or heal, just say the words...
Oh, for God's sake, Richard,
take your head out of his ass so we can have a meeting.
[scoffs] My head is not in his ass.
Actually, Richard, you're crowning.
[all laughing]
[breathing heavily]
[chuckles]
You're pretty pleased with yourself.
Aren't you?
Yeah. I kinda am.
[both laughing]
[clears throat]
I, uh...
I don't wanna diminish your efforts, but, uh...
did what just happen require any...
pharmaceutical help?
No. Nope.
Unless you count 20 milligrams of Crestor,
ten milligrams of Claritin,
half a mill of Flomax, three grams of acetaminophen,
one baby aspirin, and a smear of hydrocortisone cream
on my left and right shin bones.
- That is some list. - Oh, no, no.
- I'm not done. - Oh, shoot.
I also take omega-3 fatty acids, calcium,
vitamins A, C, D, E, and B12,
melatonin, CoQ-10, magnesium, potassium,
and liquid glucosamine.
Jesus. Is that it?
Yeah. Oh, also Cialis.
- [laughs] - You fucker!
And the most exciting news,
we were able to negotiate packages
for Crackle, Twitch, Vevo, PlayStation
and Hulu Plus.
That is exciting.
- You'll tell me later. - Of course.
All right. Before we break this up, I want to ask a favor.
My friend Sandy Kominsky hasn't worked in a while,
and I would like to rectify that.
A guest spot on a sitcom, a commercial,
whatever you can find.
- The acting coach guy? - Yes.
[all groan]
- You'll tell me later. - Of course.
[Elliot] Liam Neeson is making a fortune
with these old guy revenge movies.
Why not me?
I mean, he's not even that old.
- Whereas you... - Have one foot in the grave.
Which brings me...
to this.
One Foot in the Grave, by Elliott Gould.
Catchy, right?
Here's the elevator pitch.
A retired CIA agent
takes his grandchildren to Disneyland,
where, unbeknownst to him, his former enemies lie in wait.
Don't tell me. They kidnap the grandchildren.
And I get them back with extreme prejudice.
Okay, just so I'm clear, your goal is
to become an action star?
Well, yeah. Why not?
I mean, we'll use a stunt double
for the kicking, punching, running, staircases.
- Smart. - It gets better.
We sell the project to Disney,
shoot the whole thing in the park, use the rides.
Maybe Mickey and Goofy get involved somehow.
Fuck up some bad guys.
- Hah! - Well, what do you think?
- I like it. - Really?
I, I would go see that film.
That's why I love you.
Of course, if Disney passes, we shoot it at Magic Mountain
and they can kiss our ass come awards time.
So you think this is awards material?
Did I mention that my character is suffering from dementia?
- Oh, God. - That's right.
He forgets almost everything...
except justice.
[Sandy] Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Sandy, you know Elliott, right?
Oh, sure. Hi.
- Nice to see you. - Nice to see you.
Hope you don't mind. I invited him to join us.
What, are you kidding? This is an honor.
Hello, Alex. Can I get my regular Jack with a Dr. Pepper?
So, um...
How do you two know each other?
Let's see. When did we start working together?
I worked. You took ten percent.
[both chuckle]
It was right after I got my Oscar nomination
for Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.
So right after he peaked.
By the way, I think I got you a national commercial.
That's great! What's it for?
What do you care?
You're right. I don't.
Boy, I'm havin' a good day.
My prostate's not gonna kill me,
my dick's still working, and I got a job.
That's the geriatric hat trick.
Why don't you ever get me a national commercial?
Because you're a legend, you're an icon.
I don't wanna ever sully that.
He's so full of shit.
I believe that's 90 percent of his body weight.
What is, uh, One Foot in the Grave?
A printing press for million-dollar bills.
Any parts in there for a guy my age?
No.
[instrumental music]
Boy, things are getting tough these days.
All those wonderful plans you had for your retirement
seem more and more to feel like wishful thinking.
Hi, I'm Sandy Kominsky, and I'm here
to tell you that it doesn't have to be that way.
If you're 62 years or older,
you can access the equity in your home
to take back control of your life.
You still own your home,
but you have no mortgage payments
and plenty of ready cash
to do the things you've always dreamed of.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking this is too good to be true.
That it's just another scam,
a way for the banks to foreclose on the elderly
and take their homes away.
Well, let me put your minds to rest.
No, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. I'm just...
I'm a little uncomfortable here with this copy.
Cut.
What's the problem?
Well, there's no problem, really, except, uh,
that I did a little bit of research
and it's not entirely true, you know?
They can foreclose on people for all sorts of reasons.
I mean, even minor stuff like not...
not mowing your fucking lawn.
Okay, I-I don't know what to tell you, Sandy.
The copy's the copy.
I'm not in a position to change anything, so...
You sure? Y-you can't make a call?
Like maybe we add some kind of warning
like those drug ads do, you know?
"Reverse mortgages may cause you to live with your children."
[cell phone vibrates] Oh, shit. Hang on.
Let me, let me just...
Hey, Norman, can I call you back? I'm shooting...
Oh, jeez. I-is she gonna be alright?
All right. What hospital?
I'm on my way. Yeah, I'm leaving right now.
I'm sorry, I gotta go. My friend's daughter just OD'd.
Oh, that's terrible. We're not done with the spot yet.
Yeah, but you know what? I'm finished.
I can't do this and look at myself in the mirror.
Are you actually leaving? Are you kidding me?
Jerry's Deli is just down the street.
I'm sure you can find some desperate old actor there
who'd be very happy to do this.
[instrumental music]
[footsteps approaching]
Norman?
This can't keep happening.
Let's just thank God they found her
before it was too late.
You know where they found her?
Passed out in Corbin Bernsen's koi pond.
Oh, Jesus.
Are she and Corbin, uh...
No, no. Apparently, she was stalking him.
I don't know why, but I'm relieved.
You wanna guess how many times she's been
rushed to the hospital to have her stomach pumped?
- No, I don't. - As of today, three.
All right. All right.
So this, this one is the charm.
[instrumental music]
Boy, things are getting tough these days.
All those wonderful plans you had for your retirement
seem more and more to feel like wishful thinking.
Hi. I'm Elliott Gould,
and I'm here to tell you that it doesn't have
to be that way.
If you're 62 years or older,
you can access the equity in your home
to take back control of your life.
You still own your home,
but you have no mortgage payments
and plenty of ready cash to do the things
you've always dreamed of.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that this is too good to be true,
that it's just another scam,
a way for banks to foreclose on the elderly
and take their homes away.
Well, let me put your mind to rest.
[theme music]
[music continues]