1 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,719 [birds chirping] 2 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,261 [cell phone vibrating] 3 00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:22,763 God. 4 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,350 [exhales] 5 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,435 - Dr. Wexler. - Hey! 6 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:29,986 I hope I didn't wake you. 7 00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:31,529 [exhales] 8 00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:34,779 No, no, not at all. What is up? 9 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:38,908 Uh, I've got good news and less good news. 10 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,829 [Sandy] Okay, uh... 11 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,203 Let's start with the less good news. 12 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,750 Pick again. 13 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,833 - The good news. - Ah! 14 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,461 The good news is you don't have to worry about cancer. 15 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,087 Great! 16 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,294 Oh, that's, uh, that's great! 17 00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:56,713 Thanks, doc. 18 00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:59,174 Uh, and the less good news? 19 00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:01,681 We did find a couple of slow-moving 20 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:04,308 cancer cells in the biopsy. 21 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,943 Wait. So I do have prostate cancer? 22 00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,361 [Dr. Wexler] Technically, yes. 23 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,338 But, uh, you don't have to worry about it. 24 00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:15,823 I mean, we gotta keep our eye on it, 25 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,445 but frankly, at your age, 26 00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:19,402 somethin' else in your body is gonna kill you 27 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:20,987 before your prostate does. 28 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,118 [sighs] I'm confused. 29 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:25,120 Is this a cause for celebration? 30 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,917 Well, it's a little early in the morning, 31 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:29,838 but sure, maybe a mimosa. 32 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,414 - Yeah, baby! - What? 33 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:32,508 What? 34 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,800 [cell phone vibrating] 35 00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:36,218 Uh, h-hang on, Doc. 36 00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:38,092 Norman, can I call you back? 37 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,343 I-I think I made a mistake throwing Phoebe out. 38 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,676 No, you didn't. Listen, I finally got the urologist 39 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:44,101 on the other line. 40 00:01:44,187 --> 00:01:46,224 Wexler? Tell him I hope he gets his index finger 41 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:47,522 caught in a wood chipper. 42 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:48,724 Will do. 43 00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:51,651 Listen, I'm, I'm, I'm really worried. 44 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,979 J-just hang on. 45 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:57,486 Sorry. So what do I do about the constant peeing? 46 00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:58,862 It's still me. 47 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:00,568 Oh, shit. 48 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,825 What do I do about the constant peeing? 49 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,998 Ah, well, I'll, I'll write you up a prescription 50 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:08,371 for an alpha-blocker that'll increase the flow. 51 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:11,296 That sounds good. Side effects? 52 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,543 Well, the one that most guys complain about 53 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:17,093 is called retrograde ejaculation. 54 00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,545 Which is... 55 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,971 When you orgasm, 56 00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:22,174 instead of the sperm comin' out of your penis 57 00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:25,055 it shoots back into your bladder. 58 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,011 You're fucking kidding me. 59 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:28,562 I shit you not. 60 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:29,856 But it's no big deal. 61 00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:31,933 It makes for a nice tidy blow job. 62 00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:36,021 Jeez, I don't know. I mean, the mess is half the fun. 63 00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:38,356 - Suit yourself. - Ah. Screw it. 64 00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:40,066 - Call it in to my pharmacy. - Yeah. 65 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,948 Yeah, I'll call it in for you. Have a nice day. 66 00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,655 "Have a nice day?" You just told me I've got cancer. 67 00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:47,581 Yeah, but you've got the nice kind. 68 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,079 Bye-bye! 69 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,081 [theme music] 70 00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:58,676 Well, you just can't sit around here and worry. 71 00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:01,220 Sure, I can. I'm actually very good at it. 72 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,969 Maybe you should think about going back to work. 73 00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,391 It's better that I worry there? 74 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:06,934 [telephone ringing] 75 00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:12,432 You know, I sat holding my phone for 20 minutes. 76 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,233 I'm sorry. I, I just forgot. 77 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:18,063 Yeah? Well, that happens at your age. What did Wexler say? 78 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:22,150 Uh, he said I'm, uh, fine. Clean bill of health. 79 00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:25,237 More importantly, what do you wanna do about Phoebe? 80 00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:28,118 Well, now Eileen's suggesting that I give it some time. 81 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,369 Maybe go back to work. 82 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,870 Eileen? Oh, Norman, Norman, you're just... 83 00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,625 You're, you're freakin' me out. 84 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:36,672 I like to believe she's still looking after me. 85 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,169 What's the harm in that? 86 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,627 I guess there isn't any. 87 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:41,989 Your daughter told me she hears you 88 00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:44,221 in the bathroom talking to your genitals. 89 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,514 So which one of us is crazy? 90 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,932 Okay! All right! Okay! 91 00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:48,759 I'm, I'm not judging! 92 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,726 When was the last time you were in the office? 93 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:55,024 Oh... 94 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,272 It's gotta be... two years. 95 00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:58,853 Two years? 96 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:00,654 No wonder I don't get any auditions! 97 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,949 Hey, I still submit you for everything. 98 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,526 You don't work because you're a renowned acting coach 99 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:07,452 and y-you intimidate other actors. 100 00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,952 - That is such bullshit. - Honest to God. 101 00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:12,374 I hear it from casting directors all the time. 102 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,461 Really? 103 00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,411 Why would I lie about something like that? 104 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,622 Okay. Well, thanks. 105 00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:18,923 You're welcome. 106 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,319 Are we still on for dinner tonight? 107 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,584 - Sure. - Okay. 108 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:22,678 Bye. 109 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:26,213 God bless him, I think he bought it. 110 00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:29,016 Lying bald-headed fuck. 111 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,014 [instrumental music] 112 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,231 [Sandy] Slow-moving cancer? 113 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:39,186 Show me a guy with slow-moving cancer. 114 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,191 I'll show you a guy with cancer. 115 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,987 Look at these people. 116 00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:47,943 Happy, clueless. 117 00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:50,371 Taking their assholes for granted. 118 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:57,245 Here's my future. 119 00:04:57,339 --> 00:05:00,582 Except I'll be alone and have to pay some poor Haitian lady 120 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:03,418 to push the wheelchair and change my diaper. 121 00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,509 [music continues] 122 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,260 [grunts] 123 00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:18,478 [indistinct chatter] 124 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,203 Come on. Let's go. 125 00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:35,292 Okay. 126 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:40,162 [cell phone vibrating] 127 00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:42,258 [clears throat] 128 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,386 - Hey, Min. - Hey. 129 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,352 You have a class in five minutes. Where are you? 130 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:52,345 Oh, shit. I totally spaced. 131 00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:53,926 Can you cover that for me? 132 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,977 I guess, sure. Are you okay? 133 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:59,273 Yeah, I'm fine. I just lost track of time. 134 00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:01,354 Did you get your biopsy results? 135 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,444 Oh, yeah, yeah. 136 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,940 Everything is... 137 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,022 good, not to worry. 138 00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:07,903 - For real? - He's staring at us. 139 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:09,410 For real. 140 00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:14,956 - Oh, for God's sakes. - What? 141 00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:18,834 This woman in the playground, she thinks I'm a pedophile. 142 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,203 - What? - I gotta go. 143 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,506 Thanks for covering for me. 144 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,958 Excuse me, ladies! 145 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,543 I'm not a pervert. 146 00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,378 I'm an actor. 147 00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,844 [instrumental music] 148 00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:43,021 [elevator bell dings] 149 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,607 [indistinct chatter] 150 00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:55,279 - Mr. Newlander. - Hello, Carol. 151 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,243 I didn't know you were coming in. 152 00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,041 Yeah, neither did I. 153 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,119 I'm so sorry for your loss. 154 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:02,544 Thank you, dear. 155 00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:05,957 He's here. 156 00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,132 - Mr. Newlander. - Hi. 157 00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:11,741 - [woman] Hi, Mr. Newlander. - Morning. 158 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,018 - Hello, Mr. Newlander. - Good morning, good morning. 159 00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:22,477 Hello. 160 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,320 [man] Hi, Mr. Newlander. 161 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,024 Great to have you back, Norman. 162 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,858 Thank you. Thank you. 163 00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:35,198 [man] Hello, sir. 164 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,574 Oh! Norman! It's so good to see you. 165 00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:40,954 I am so sorry for your loss. 166 00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:42,660 Nice to see you. 167 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,170 - [woman] Hi, Mr. Newlander. - Hi. Hi. 168 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:50,092 - [woman] Hi, Mr. Newlander. - Ladies. 169 00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:51,510 Oh, hi. 170 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,798 - Norman. - Hi, Jeanine. 171 00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:56,348 Come here. 172 00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:58,221 Oh-ho, we're hugging! 173 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,761 I didn't expect to see you so soon. 174 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,083 I thought you'd take some more time. 175 00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:04,349 No, it's better I go back to work. 176 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,149 Well, sure. I understand that. 177 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:07,647 Keep your mind active. 178 00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:09,194 Exactly. 179 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:13,399 My grandpa does the New York Times crossword puzzle every day. 180 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,075 Sounds like a terrific guy. 181 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,697 He also takes a salsa class. 182 00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,450 Wow, great. 183 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:19,997 - Uh, do me a favor. - Anything. 184 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:21,665 Let's ask all the senior agents 185 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,521 to meet me in the conference room in ten minutes. 186 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,002 You got it. 187 00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:27,421 - Earl Grey, little honey? - Yeah, please. 188 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:33,378 I am so delighted that you're back. 189 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:35,588 Give it time. The feeling will pass. 190 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:36,798 [chuckles] 191 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:43,475 [instrumental music] 192 00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,976 The first time I saw my stepmother's pussy 193 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,652 was in a magazine. 194 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,105 It was right in the crease. 195 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,655 There was a staple on it. 196 00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:57,785 Sherilynn was a Penthouse Pet of the Month 197 00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,578 and a heroin addict. 198 00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:02,327 My dad wanted me to call her "Mommy." 199 00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:03,783 - Can you believe... - Shh! 200 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,597 [Mindy] I remember it was my ninth birthday. 201 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:08,625 He took us to Universal Studios. 202 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,172 It was a great day. 203 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,547 We went on the Wild West ride, The A-Team ride. 204 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:17,050 We had pizza and ice cream. 205 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,722 But the highlight of the day was 206 00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,674 when we went on a tram ride 207 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:25,104 and the shark from Jaws came bursting out of the water. 208 00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:26,977 Sherilynn screamed... 209 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:29,566 and emptied her bladder 210 00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:31,985 all over my stuffed Woody Woodpecker. 211 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:34,696 What's happening? 212 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:38,652 Sandy's MIA. She's doin' her one-woman show. 213 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:43,698 Now, you'd think that would've been the end of our excursion, 214 00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:45,658 but Sherilynn was the type of woman 215 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:49,462 who always had spare panties with her wherever she went. 216 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:53,132 Now, file this under information you don't need or want, 217 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:56,962 but she sold the dirty ones to Japanese businessmen. 218 00:09:58,306 --> 00:10:01,424 Which is why Sandy Kominsky 219 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:05,262 has an export license for bio-waste. 220 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,267 [instrumental music] 221 00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:10,892 Wow, these are beautiful. 222 00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:12,351 - Thank you. - Yeah. 223 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,652 A little Mexican lady 224 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:15,604 on the freeway off-ramp was selling 'em. 225 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,611 I also got you a bag of oranges in the car. 226 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,442 Oh, very thoughtful. Thank you. 227 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,199 - Want some coffee? - Uh, no, thanks. 228 00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:25,872 I got a long drive back, and, you know, I got this, um... 229 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,200 Oh, yeah, I know. 230 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,125 How, uh, how is that, by the way? 231 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,750 Great. Great. The doc says I'm gonna be fine. 232 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,081 No surgery. 233 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,006 Maybe some meds. 234 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:37,085 - Nothing to worry about. - That's wonderful. 235 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,670 Oh! What a relief, Sandy. Great. 236 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,676 Yeah, tell me about it. 237 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,342 So... 238 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,935 [sighs] 239 00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,432 So... 240 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,231 You said you wanted to talk. 241 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,808 You drove all the way out here. 242 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,438 It's, it's your move, buddy. 243 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,065 Okay, right. My move. 244 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,397 Um... 245 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,652 Okay, here it is. 246 00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,485 I think you and I are really good together 247 00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:06,118 and that we should consider taking this relationship, 248 00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:08,039 uh, to another level. 249 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:09,126 I see. 250 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,502 So, uh, so, we would go 251 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:15,377 from being friends to, uh, to what? 252 00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:18,254 - Friends with benefits? - No, I hate that term. 253 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:21,587 - Let's say lovers. - No! Please, no, let's not. 254 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,200 - Why, what's wrong with lovers? - I don't know. 255 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:24,224 It's just, it's, 256 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:27,643 it's like it's from another decade, uh, maybe century. 257 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,891 I happen to think it's a fine word. 258 00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:31,938 Okay, all right, well, forgetting for the moment 259 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,438 what we call it, um... 260 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,207 can I ask what caused this change of heart? 261 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:39,022 - What do you mean? - Don't be coy. Come on. 262 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,232 You've been playin' it pretty cool there, mister, 263 00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:43,613 and now, all of a sudden, I'm gettin' flowers 264 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,535 and oranges from my lover. 265 00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:48,535 - All right. I, I hear it now. - Yeah? Okay, good. 266 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,207 Look, it's pretty simple. 267 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:55,004 Between Eileen dying and my recent health scare, 268 00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:57,706 my perspective has changed 269 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,087 regarding my feelings towards you. 270 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,261 Wow. 271 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,680 You have got some big, brass balls. 272 00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:07,258 - In a good way? - No. 273 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,246 No. You're not here 'cause you're crazy about me. 274 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:10,681 You're here 'cause you don't wanna 275 00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:12,479 walk the Green Mile all by yourself. 276 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,056 - "The Green Mile?" - Yeah. 277 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,030 You know, Tom Hanks, the big guy with the mouse. 278 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,389 - You know what I mean. - Hang on. 279 00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:19,027 I did say we were good together. 280 00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:20,113 Oh, hot, yeah. 281 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:21,198 And you and I both know 282 00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:22,693 that being crazy about someone 283 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:24,241 doesn't last. 284 00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:26,007 It's just happy brain juice that tricks you 285 00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:27,619 into not getting a prenup. 286 00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:28,991 Twice. 287 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,414 Ouch. 288 00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,704 I mean, are you crazy about me? 289 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:35,373 You amuse me. 290 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,045 I'll take it. 291 00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:41,385 Listen. 292 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,133 I'm a big fan of the crazy stuff, 293 00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:47,010 but at the end of the day 294 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:51,219 I would rather be with somebody that I truly, really like. 295 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,273 Goddammit. 296 00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:58,860 Come on. 297 00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,781 I am probably gonna regret this. 298 00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:07,450 There's a 50-50 chance that nothing will happen, 299 00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:08,994 so maybe not. 300 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,205 If my daughter calls, pull me out of the meeting, 301 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,534 pull me out of the toilet, pull me out of anywhere. 302 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,210 Got it. How's she doing, by the way? 303 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,879 - You saw her at the funeral? - I did. 304 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,706 Sorry. Stupid question. 305 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:28,051 Look at that. No one talks to each other anymore. 306 00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:31,933 They're talking. 307 00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,932 Just to people who are elsewhere. 308 00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:36,230 That's not talking. Talking is with your voice. 309 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:41,061 Eye contact, body language, maybe a gesture, touch. 310 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,736 Oh, there's no touching these days. 311 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,563 Don't touch anybody. 312 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:49,280 Okay. Wow. 313 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,196 Look at everyone wearing black. 314 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,156 Feels like another funeral. 315 00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:55,250 [Norman laughs] 316 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,003 Too soon? 317 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:00,746 All right. 318 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:03,252 Before we start, I want to thank all of you 319 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:08,008 for your e-get well cards and your e-condolence cards. 320 00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:11,807 Very thoughtful and, I suppose, very easy. 321 00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:14,886 Norman, did your wife get the basket of vegan muffins I sent? 322 00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:17,642 Uh, yes, Andrew, I believe she did. Thank you. 323 00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:20,065 They're supposed to be, like, super healthy. 324 00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:21,733 My wife died, Andrew. 325 00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:25,229 Not the muffins' fault. 326 00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:27,861 Uh, I've also been watching the quarterly numbers 327 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:30,863 and want to congratulate you on your good work. 328 00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:33,491 Congratulations to you, Norman. 329 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:34,742 You built a great team. 330 00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:37,074 Everyone here is pulling their weight. 331 00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:38,284 Nice to know. 332 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,835 They just required a little bit 333 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,253 of guidance. 334 00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:42,921 Sure, and thank you for that. 335 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,373 Oh, no need. 336 00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:46,709 My job is to lighten your load. 337 00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,214 Much appreciated. 338 00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:50,796 You've got enough on your plate, right? 339 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,222 I don't know. I suppose. 340 00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:54,470 In fact, you need to take some more time 341 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,597 to grieve or heal, just say the words... 342 00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:58,519 Oh, for God's sake, Richard, 343 00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,893 take your head out of his ass so we can have a meeting. 344 00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:02,849 [scoffs] My head is not in his ass. 345 00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:07,487 Actually, Richard, you're crowning. 346 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,485 [all laughing] 347 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:13,903 [breathing heavily] 348 00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:15,532 [chuckles] 349 00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,535 You're pretty pleased with yourself. 350 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,663 Aren't you? 351 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,961 Yeah. I kinda am. 352 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,959 [both laughing] 353 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:28,969 [clears throat] 354 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:30,961 I, uh... 355 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:34,720 I don't wanna diminish your efforts, but, uh... 356 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,802 did what just happen require any... 357 00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:39,352 pharmaceutical help? 358 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,396 No. Nope. 359 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,769 Unless you count 20 milligrams of Crestor, 360 00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,601 ten milligrams of Claritin, 361 00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:48,733 half a mill of Flomax, three grams of acetaminophen, 362 00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:52,157 one baby aspirin, and a smear of hydrocortisone cream 363 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,906 on my left and right shin bones. 364 00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:56,487 - That is some list. - Oh, no, no. 365 00:15:56,581 --> 00:15:57,992 - I'm not done. - Oh, shoot. 366 00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,665 I also take omega-3 fatty acids, calcium, 367 00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:03,118 vitamins A, C, D, E, and B12, 368 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:06,171 melatonin, CoQ-10, magnesium, potassium, 369 00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,214 and liquid glucosamine. 370 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,133 Jesus. Is that it? 371 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,757 Yeah. Oh, also Cialis. 372 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,385 - [laughs] - You fucker! 373 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:19,221 And the most exciting news, 374 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,053 we were able to negotiate packages 375 00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:24,311 for Crackle, Twitch, Vevo, PlayStation 376 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,517 and Hulu Plus. 377 00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:29,269 That is exciting. 378 00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,610 - You'll tell me later. - Of course. 379 00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:37,866 All right. Before we break this up, I want to ask a favor. 380 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:40,618 My friend Sandy Kominsky hasn't worked in a while, 381 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:42,791 and I would like to rectify that. 382 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:46,086 A guest spot on a sitcom, a commercial, 383 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:47,879 whatever you can find. 384 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,298 - The acting coach guy? - Yes. 385 00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,546 [all groan] 386 00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:57,510 - You'll tell me later. - Of course. 387 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,142 [Elliot] Liam Neeson is making a fortune 388 00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:03,562 with these old guy revenge movies. 389 00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:04,980 Why not me? 390 00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:07,183 I mean, he's not even that old. 391 00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:09,893 - Whereas you... - Have one foot in the grave. 392 00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:11,819 Which brings me... 393 00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,442 to this. 394 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,741 One Foot in the Grave, by Elliott Gould. 395 00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,068 Catchy, right? 396 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,324 Here's the elevator pitch. 397 00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:22,747 A retired CIA agent 398 00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:25,120 takes his grandchildren to Disneyland, 399 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:29,922 where, unbeknownst to him, his former enemies lie in wait. 400 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,465 Don't tell me. They kidnap the grandchildren. 401 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,636 And I get them back with extreme prejudice. 402 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:38,634 Okay, just so I'm clear, your goal is 403 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,215 to become an action star? 404 00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:41,766 Well, yeah. Why not? 405 00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:43,388 I mean, we'll use a stunt double 406 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:47,189 for the kicking, punching, running, staircases. 407 00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:49,358 - Smart. - It gets better. 408 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,309 We sell the project to Disney, 409 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:54,613 shoot the whole thing in the park, use the rides. 410 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:57,783 Maybe Mickey and Goofy get involved somehow. 411 00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,484 Fuck up some bad guys. 412 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,696 - Hah! - Well, what do you think? 413 00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,330 - I like it. - Really? 414 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,999 I, I would go see that film. 415 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,917 That's why I love you. 416 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:11,247 Of course, if Disney passes, we shoot it at Magic Mountain 417 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:14,674 and they can kiss our ass come awards time. 418 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,047 So you think this is awards material? 419 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:20,552 Did I mention that my character is suffering from dementia? 420 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:22,803 - Oh, God. - That's right. 421 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:25,385 He forgets almost everything... 422 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,391 except justice. 423 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,394 [Sandy] Hey. Sorry I'm late. 424 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:32,934 Sandy, you know Elliott, right? 425 00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:34,270 Oh, sure. Hi. 426 00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:35,945 - Nice to see you. - Nice to see you. 427 00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,801 Hope you don't mind. I invited him to join us. 428 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:39,441 What, are you kidding? This is an honor. 429 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:45,163 Hello, Alex. Can I get my regular Jack with a Dr. Pepper? 430 00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:48,659 So, um... 431 00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:50,665 How do you two know each other? 432 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,899 Let's see. When did we start working together? 433 00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:55,165 I worked. You took ten percent. 434 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:56,420 [both chuckle] 435 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:59,423 It was right after I got my Oscar nomination 436 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,254 for Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice. 437 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,591 So right after he peaked. 438 00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,892 By the way, I think I got you a national commercial. 439 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,061 That's great! What's it for? 440 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:09,763 What do you care? 441 00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:11,098 You're right. I don't. 442 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:13,309 Boy, I'm havin' a good day. 443 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,018 My prostate's not gonna kill me, 444 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,149 my dick's still working, and I got a job. 445 00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:19,322 That's the geriatric hat trick. 446 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,775 Why don't you ever get me a national commercial? 447 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:23,429 Because you're a legend, you're an icon. 448 00:19:23,454 --> 00:19:24,945 I don't wanna ever sully that. 449 00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:26,996 He's so full of shit. 450 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:29,450 I believe that's 90 percent of his body weight. 451 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,633 What is, uh, One Foot in the Grave? 452 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,507 A printing press for million-dollar bills. 453 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:44,260 Any parts in there for a guy my age? 454 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:45,890 No. 455 00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,265 [instrumental music] 456 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:56,605 Boy, things are getting tough these days. 457 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:59,439 All those wonderful plans you had for your retirement 458 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,866 seem more and more to feel like wishful thinking. 459 00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:05,368 Hi, I'm Sandy Kominsky, and I'm here 460 00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:08,788 to tell you that it doesn't have to be that way. 461 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,740 If you're 62 years or older, 462 00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:13,748 you can access the equity in your home 463 00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:17,172 to take back control of your life. 464 00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,794 You still own your home, 465 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,591 but you have no mortgage payments 466 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:23,045 and plenty of ready cash 467 00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:25,677 to do the things you've always dreamed of. 468 00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:28,888 Now, I know what you're thinking. 469 00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:31,846 You're thinking this is too good to be true. 470 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,430 That it's just another scam, 471 00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:36,483 a way for the banks to foreclose on the elderly 472 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:38,982 and take their homes away. 473 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,814 Well, let me put your minds to rest. 474 00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:49,112 No, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. I'm just... 475 00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:51,323 I'm a little uncomfortable here with this copy. 476 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:52,417 Cut. 477 00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:54,544 What's the problem? 478 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,388 Well, there's no problem, really, except, uh, 479 00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:58,877 that I did a little bit of research 480 00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:01,128 and it's not entirely true, you know? 481 00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:04,086 They can foreclose on people for all sorts of reasons. 482 00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:06,297 I mean, even minor stuff like not... 483 00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:07,881 not mowing your fucking lawn. 484 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,244 Okay, I-I don't know what to tell you, Sandy. 485 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,634 The copy's the copy. 486 00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:12,080 I'm not in a position to change anything, so... 487 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,970 You sure? Y-you can't make a call? 488 00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:15,600 Like maybe we add some kind of warning 489 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:17,808 like those drug ads do, you know? 490 00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:20,255 "Reverse mortgages may cause you to live with your children." 491 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:21,895 [cell phone vibrates] Oh, shit. Hang on. 492 00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:23,605 Let me, let me just... 493 00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:26,442 Hey, Norman, can I call you back? I'm shooting... 494 00:21:28,037 --> 00:21:31,280 Oh, jeez. I-is she gonna be alright? 495 00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:33,114 All right. What hospital? 496 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,622 I'm on my way. Yeah, I'm leaving right now. 497 00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:39,125 I'm sorry, I gotta go. My friend's daughter just OD'd. 498 00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:41,628 Oh, that's terrible. We're not done with the spot yet. 499 00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:43,800 Yeah, but you know what? I'm finished. 500 00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:47,425 I can't do this and look at myself in the mirror. 501 00:21:47,515 --> 00:21:50,098 Are you actually leaving? Are you kidding me? 502 00:21:50,184 --> 00:21:51,846 Jerry's Deli is just down the street. 503 00:21:51,936 --> 00:21:54,019 I'm sure you can find some desperate old actor there 504 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:55,845 who'd be very happy to do this. 505 00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:58,102 [instrumental music] 506 00:22:03,781 --> 00:22:05,488 [footsteps approaching] 507 00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:06,574 Norman? 508 00:22:11,747 --> 00:22:13,158 This can't keep happening. 509 00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:14,740 Let's just thank God they found her 510 00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:16,041 before it was too late. 511 00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:17,617 You know where they found her? 512 00:22:17,711 --> 00:22:20,374 Passed out in Corbin Bernsen's koi pond. 513 00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:21,796 Oh, Jesus. 514 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:24,549 Are she and Corbin, uh... 515 00:22:24,635 --> 00:22:27,048 No, no. Apparently, she was stalking him. 516 00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:29,678 I don't know why, but I'm relieved. 517 00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:31,381 You wanna guess how many times she's been 518 00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:33,512 rushed to the hospital to have her stomach pumped? 519 00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:35,810 - No, I don't. - As of today, three. 520 00:22:36,397 --> 00:22:37,729 All right. All right. 521 00:22:37,815 --> 00:22:39,681 So this, this one is the charm. 522 00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:43,063 [instrumental music] 523 00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:53,032 Boy, things are getting tough these days. 524 00:22:53,122 --> 00:22:56,115 All those wonderful plans you had for your retirement 525 00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,747 seem more and more to feel like wishful thinking. 526 00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:02,917 Hi. I'm Elliott Gould, 527 00:23:03,007 --> 00:23:05,294 and I'm here to tell you that it doesn't have 528 00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:06,841 to be that way. 529 00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:09,670 If you're 62 years or older, 530 00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:12,801 you can access the equity in your home 531 00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:15,805 to take back control of your life. 532 00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:17,477 You still own your home, 533 00:23:17,563 --> 00:23:19,145 but you have no mortgage payments 534 00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:21,393 and plenty of ready cash to do the things 535 00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,440 you've always dreamed of. 536 00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:25,852 Now, I know what you're thinking. 537 00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:29,314 You're thinking that this is too good to be true, 538 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,741 that it's just another scam, 539 00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:34,490 a way for banks to foreclose on the elderly 540 00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:36,993 and take their homes away. 541 00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:39,415 Well, let me put your mind to rest. 542 00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:44,500 [theme music] 543 00:24:12,618 --> 00:24:14,530 [music continues]