[easy listening jazz playing]
[crockery clinking]
The Oldest Waiter in the World by Alex Moreno.
I wouldn't impose,
but my therapist said I should put myself out there more.
You have a therapist?
She's more a life coach.
Oh, God, I hate this town.
It's a... It's a sitcom.
Starring you?
Oh, no. I... I'm thinkin' someone younger,
maybe Judd Hirsch.
Okay, I'll be sure and give it a read.
Thank you.
- Hello, Alex. - Hello, sir.
Not him.
Not me, what?
Don't worry about it.
All right. Norm, this is Martin. Martin, Norman.
A pleasure. I've heard so much about you.
So you're December.
- [Sandy] Uh... - Excuse me?
Well, there's a May-December thing going on, right?
- Oh... Yeah. - You're December.
[chuckles] Okay, I got you.
I'm lookin' at you, I don't see November.
Well, let's say I'm just... Just after Thanksgiving.
[chuckles]
So, what do you do?
I was a high school teacher, retired now.
Ooh... Retired, that's bad.
And why is that bad?
Are you kidding? He might as well take a bath with a toaster.
Why would I want to do that?
[rattling]
Thank you, Alex.
- Martin, what are you drinking? - What's that?
This is Jack Daniel's and Diet Dr Pepper.
Maybe a vodka martini with a twist.
- See that? That's how a man drinks. - [chuckles]
Marty, it's a known fact that the life expectancy
of men who retire is slim to nothing.
Hang on. You're mostly retired.
No. I'm very much involved in the day-to-day operations of my company.
I've just learned to delegate.
When was the last time you were in your office?
There's no need to. We talk on the internet. We use WhatsApp.
Oh, we... Uh, you use WhatsApp?
Yeah. It's encrypted. End to end.
[scoffs] Don't listen to him, you're fine.
Well, up to a minute ago, I thought I was.
Listen to me, Marty. Can I call you Marty?
You know, I actually... I go by... mostly by Martin.
Marty, get a job.
Any job. Your very life depends upon it.
[laughs] Well, I just had a checkup and my doctor said I was in good shape.
Well, Dr. Norman says you're on the way out.
Is this thing with Mindy serious?
They're living together, Norman.
That's no good.
She should try that eharmony thing. Meet somebody with a future.
Does he get that I'm sitting here?
He doesn't care. Something inside of him is broken.
Ah, here we go.
Thanks.
See, now, that... That's a guy who should retire.
That's a guy who'll outlive you.
A toast.
To Mindy and Marty.
May they have many happy months together.
See? Broken.
Oh, boy.
That was amazing.
Yeah, I told you.
I think the last time I had liver and onions, I must have been,
I don't know, probably ten years old.
- Is it as good as your mom's? - Oh, my mom's was awful.
She would incinerate meat, turn it into shoe leather.
- Mm. - Oh, yeah.
That was Depression-era cooking.
People would buy the cheapest cut of meat and burn it to get all the parasites out.
Well, whatever the reason,
if it weren't for ketchup, I wouldn't be alive today.
Huh.
I was in college the first time I had steak medium rare.
I couldn't believe how good it was.
I called my mother and told her. She completely lost her mind.
[chuckling]
She started screaming
that I should drink vinegar to kill all the tapeworms.
- Well, did you? - Yeah. She scared the pants off me.
You know, sometimes I have dreams that my folks are still alive.
That I'm having conversations with them.
Me too. Vivid dreams, right?
Oh, yeah, like they were never gone.
Hmm.
Yeah.
My parents are still alive.
Well...
Goody for you.
No, it's not like they're the picture of health or anything.
You know, they're not... They're not doing well.
I'm gonna...
Where does a guy brush his teeth around here?
All right. Excuse me.
Why is he here, exactly?
I thought you two would hit it off.
Yeah, well, swing and a miss.
Give him time, he's got a good heart.
Did you know he was at Woodstock?
Oh, yeah? In a band?
- No, in the mud. - So?
So, it's a, uh, cultural touchstone.
It's, uh, something we share.
Not with me. I went to the Newport Jazz Festival.
Okay, something I share with him.
I saw Miles Davis there.
Okay, I get it. You're more sophisticated than I am.
You saw Country Joe and the Fish.
I wasn't there.
- So why are we talking about this? - Because Mart... [sighs]
Oh, never mind.
Is there any news on the Madelyn front?
No. She's being very cool to me.
Sorry.
That's all right. The whole thing was foolish.
Getting involved with a woman at my age, uh...
I should have known better.
Boy, if I were you, I wouldn't give up so fast.
What am I supposed to do? I apologized. I'm mending fences with Phoebe.
[sighs]
I think you need to do something, you know, big. Like, a grand gesture.
Like?
An engagement ring.
Are you crazy? Eileen just died a few months ago.
I know under normal circumstances, you'd have a longer grief period,
but let's be honest. [sighs]
How much time do you really got?
Apparently enough time to waste it eating dinner with you
and the roly-poly ponytail.
Norman, if this woman makes you happy, and I know she does,
you should fight like hell not to lose her.
That's what Phoebe said.
Well, there you go.
Relationship advice from a drug addict fresh out of rehab
and a guy who's been divorced three times.
How can you go wrong?
[both laugh]
Hey.
Don't want to put a damper on the evening, but, uh...
I gotta say, I don't... I don't feel so good.
What's goin' on?
Well, I was takin' a leak, and I felt this... this sharp pain
right... right here, like a... like a heavy weight.
What did I tell you? Retirement.
[sighs] Really? Jesus.
We just had a pretty heavy meal. You sure it's not indigestion?
I, uh... I... I suppose it could be, but...
[groans]
Try belching, see if that relieves the pressure.
[burps]
- Anything? - No.
- Try farting. - Norman!
Gas doesn't care which hole.
Try it.
Okay...
- Uh... - Lift a cheek.
- [groans] - The other way.
[groans]
- Oh, boy. - What?
I just shit myself.
- You're kidding! - Mm.
- No, he's not. He's not. - Oh.
Oh! Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Okay.
All right. I'm calling this. All right. Alex, 911.
[groans] Sorry about this, fellas.
Fuck it. You're gonna be fine.
Cedars-Sinai is right around the corner, right?
God damn it. I saved room for cheesecake, too. Oh!
[exhales heavily]
Feel a little foolish now?
What?
You said he had a good heart.
You don't have to sit here. You can go home.
No, no, no. I want to see what happens.
[sighs]
- How is he? - It was a mild heart attack.
They're puttin' in a couple of stents.
Doctor said not to worry, you can probably take him home tomorrow.
You might wanna bring him some new pants.
- What? - Ignore him.
I don't know which drug you're sendin' through me,
but keep it comin'.
You know, it's funny, but... when I started teaching,
that was a noble profession back then.
Teachers were a respected part of the community.
But now, no way, no sirree.
Now we're the first people the police visit when a child goes missing.
And you know why? Because in this culture,
right now,
if you care about children, if you care about their future,
well, then there is, ipso facto, something wrong with you, you know?
By the way, if... if you're a bachelor, if you're a single man, forget about that.
Why, that's tantamount to... Then you're... You're a pedophile satanist.
You know, you... Oh, uh, don't pass Go, don't collect $200,
you sicko pervert.
I... I'm a good person.
I'm not a pervert.
Although I'm not adverse
to a little finger in the heinie once in a while.
[sighs] Your father says I should propose marriage,
but I don't know, that seems to me a little desperate.
I'm thinking I could patch things up
with maybe a nice gift card, maybe Williams-Sonoma.
Norman, no offense, but I'm kind of distracted right now.
Because of Marty? Don't worry, stents are no big deal.
It's like snaking a toilet.
Make him stop talking.
Oh, honey, I've been trying for years.
Okay, a little change of plans.
We started to put in a stent and decided he needed bypass surgery.
- Oh, my God! - But the operation went perfectly.
He's going to be fine.
Oh, that's great. That's great. Thank you, doc.
A couple of weeks' rest, he'll be as good as new.
How can you say such a thing?
Excuse me?
He's a 66-year-old man with no job, he had a heart attack,
and you're saying "good as new"?
What? I told him to go home.
Sweetheart, he'll never be as good as new,
but if you want him to be good for a couple more years,
put him to work.
Starbucks, Home Depot.
Anything other than, say, picking fruit,
because that can be brutal.
When can I see him?
As soon as he wakes up. Maybe half hour.
Thank you.
Anything else you want to say, Norman?
No. I think we've covered it.
[Lisa] Mindy must be a wreck.
She's pretty shook up.
Aww.
Well, I'll give her a call later, see if she needs any help.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
You okay?
Yeah, I just can't help thinking, there but for the grace of God, you know.
Well, if you're worried, call your doctor and get a checkup.
I'm not worried.
Well, um... What's... What's "there but for the grace of God"?
Never mind, forget about it.
When's the last time you had a stress test?
Um...
- Last time I had sex with you. - Oh! Hm.
- Came through with flying colors. - [chuckles]
Well...
- Well, I came through it. Hm. - [laughs]
You should just get a checkup.
Ah, I don't need a checkup.
I really wish you wouldn't do that.
Do what?
By bringing up the possibility of me having...
cardio issues,
you're kind of inviting trouble.
So what,
having a conversation about it is... is bad luck?
No, it's... it's not bad luck, it's just that you're...
[sighs] You're putting it out there in the universe as a possibility.
It's better not to talk about it.
When did you get superstitious?
- I'm not superstitious. - Oh.
I just have a healthy respect for bad juju.
Uh, bad juju?
- [laughs] - [sighs]
Regardless, you don't take your car to the mechanic
when it's running just fine.
Yeah, you do when your car was built in 1945.
[sighs] I should never have told you my real birthday.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
[chuckles]
You maybe feel like takin' the car out for a little spin?
Really?
Are we done with that platonic bullshit?
I will give you three seconds to rephrase that.
I would love to.
Hmm.
Much better.
I, um... Just need a half hour...
to digest my dinner.
Sure.
You know what?
Let's call it an hour.
- That stuff's pretty greasy. - [both laugh]
Well, you're certainly looking better.
Thank you.
Wasn't sure what magazines you like so I just took a guess, and, uh...
I just had a heart attack and you guessed Cigar Aficionado?
There's an interview with Danny DeVito. He talks about humidors.
Okay.
How's the soup?
The soup... It's fine.
Jerry's Deli. Also brought you a pastrami sandwich,
but, uh, Mindy confiscated it.
Yeah. Because Mindy wants me to live.
Yeah, I get that.
But you still have to have something to live for.
It's a little too late for that.
Sandy, let me tell you somethin'.
I have wasted my life.
No, no. Don't... Don't say that.
I never took any chances.
I just... I played it safe.
I disagree. You've helped thousands of kids
become productive citizens.
Oh, fuck 'em.
You're just being cynical for what you went through.
A couple of weeks from now, you'll be singing a different tune.
It's funny you would say that.
You know, I... I could have had a career as a singer.
- Is that so? - Yes.
Had a band in college. Played keyboards.
Yeah. We did Allman Brothers and the Stones, Jethro Tull.
- "Aqualung"? - "Aqualung."
Stupid fuckin' song.
"Snot running down his nose, greasy fingers, smearing shabby clothes."
Who writes that?
Yeah, but he played the flute. That was cool.
Played the flute.
So, why'd you quit?
Why'd I quit? My parents...
begged me to get a teaching degree,
you know, so I'd have something to fall back on
in case the music thing didn't pan out.
- And you fell back. - Like the French army.
So, my big dream of playing my rock opera at the Fillmore East
somehow became playing "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"
at Blaine Weintraub's bar mitzvah.
- Yeah, that's another stupid song. - Yeah.
Try playing it for 200 people eatin' pound cake. [snorts]
I wish I was more like you.
You had the guts to... to stick with your dream.
Well, thank you. Thanks.
I mean, you stayed with it
long after it was clear you weren't goin' anywhere.
Well, I... I wouldn't go that far.
No, it's true. The writing was on the wall,
you refused to read it.
Thanks again. So, uh...
About your rock opera, what was it about?
[sighs] It was good, good story.
Blind boy falls in love with a deaf girl during a nuclear war.
Cuban missile crisis, nuclear war. I'm sensing a theme here.
When I was 14, I got a blowjob in a bomb shelter.
Eh, it really informed my work.
- Duck and cover. - Mm-hm.
A good play.
Eh, but, uh...
But I quit on it, because...
I'm a quitter.
No, no, no. Hey, come on, you... you're being too hard on yourself.
And I put my whole heart and soul into the thing.
I'm sure you did.
No, it was good.
♪ Can you see the mushroom cloud? ♪
[falsetto] ♪ Can you hear The boom so loud? ♪
Then the whole chorus comes in.
♪ Fallout, fallout, fallout While we fall in love ♪
- Catchy. - Yeah.
Hey, Siri, call Dr. Shenckman.
Calling Dr. Shenckman.
[ringing tone]
[woman] Dr. Shenckman's office, please hold.
- [sighs] - ["Aqualung" plays]
♪..of his broken luck ♪
- ♪ Hey, Aqualung ♪ - [sighs]
Fuck it, it's a sign.
♪ Sitting on a park bench ♪
♪ Eyeing little girls with bad intent ♪
♪ Snot running down his nose ♪
♪ Greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes ♪
♪ Hey, Aqualung ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Aqualung ♪
[Eugene] You know what? I really don't care anymore. We just...
Give her the house and the cars and the dog
and my cock and balls.
What difference does it make? It's all bullshit anyway!
Half?
Half the practice?
Uh... Sure, why not, you know?
Just four years of med school, eight years of residency,
30 years of blood, sweat and tears, how is that not community property?
- [beep] - [woman] Sandy Kominsky's here.
[sighs]
Give me a minute.
Jeffrey, just give her whatever the fuck she wants.
All right? I just want it over.
I gotta go. Bye.
[whimpers]
[sighs]
[banging at door]
Come in.
Thank you.
- Hey, doc. - Sandy.
Hey, how you doin'?
A little nervous, but...
You're smiling. That's encouraging.
Yeah, I'm always smiling, you know?
Gotta maintain a positive outlook.
[sighs]
Let's have a gander at those test results.
Ah.
Aaaaah.
[exhales]
Mm-hm.
Uh-huh. Oh.
Are these your kids?
Only on weekends and holidays.
Well!
You got, um, good news and some bad news.
[chuckles] Why do you guys always do this? You... Just tell me.
Sorry, just trying to keep things loose.
Tell me.
Fine.
Well, your heart is... is perfectly healthy.
You've got no blockage in your arteries, you got great blood pressure,
- all systems A-okay. - [sighs]
Thank you. Uh...
And the, uh...
the bad news?
Can I just be a little loose?
Doc.
Okay. Well, we found a spot on one of your lungs.
What kind of spot?
Well, we're gonna have to do a biopsy to be sure,
but it's most likely cancer.
I haven't had a cigarette in 40 years. I...
Good for you.
I still sneak one once in a while.
[sighs] Jesus!
Fuck!
[sighs]
Is it treatable?
[sighs]
I would think so.
We caught it pretty early.
Okay.
Okay, so, um...
Uh, chemo?
Radiation?
A lot of these questions would be better answered
by an oncologist.
And I will give you referrals.
Thank you. Thank you.
"Aqualung," of course.
Can I keep working?
Again, it's better to ask an oncologist.
Uh, but I would say some of the treatments are pretty debilitating.
So do you have someone who can go through this with you?
I'm gonna have to make some calls.
[sighs]
Okay.
Good.
Yes.
Thanks, doc.
Call me with anything, but, uh...
spirits up.
[sighs]
Okay, don't tell me. Let me guess.
- You're in trouble with the IRS again. - No.
You fathered identical twins
while you were doing Pippin in the Adirondacks,
and now they've hunted you down, they want money.
No! Jesus, twins.
You shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
- What? - Johnny Cash.
Okay, I give up.
What can I help you with?
Uh, next week, I start treatment for lung cancer.
Oh, God, Sandy!
Yeah. Uh...
Anyway, I might need some help with the day-to-day stuff.
Of course, anything you need.
Uh...
Have you told Mindy yet?
No. And that's another thing, I don't want her to know.
She's got enough on her hands with Martin.
Okay.
In fact,
let's not tell anyone.
I don't want people treating me differently.
So, you're gonna do the quiet, stoic thing.
- [scoffs] Right. - Okay, well...
- let's see how long that lasts. - Well...
Can I ask you what the prognosis is?
Uh, uh... Did they... Did they catch it early?
Yeah. At least that's what they told me.
Well, that's fortuitous, right?
I guess, eh...
- You gonna keep working? - I'm gonna try.
What are you gonna tell people if your hair falls out?
I asked about that.
It may not happen with this kind of treatment.
And if it did,
bald is hip these days, eh?
[sighs] Yeah, I've noticed that.
The other day, a young man at my office
asked me what I use to shave my head with.
What did you tell him?
I said every few days, I soak my head in chicken fat.
[laughs]
- You're a bad man. - Yeah, I know.
I'm hoping he comes to work smelling like broth.
[chuckles] Yeah.
We're gonna get you through this.
I hope so.
No hoping.
We'll just do it.