1 00:00:14,764 --> 00:00:16,266 [easy listening jazz playing] 2 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:17,726 [crockery clinking] 3 00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:25,900 The Oldest Waiter in the World by Alex Moreno. 4 00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,236 I wouldn't impose, 5 00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:32,657 but my therapist said I should put myself out there more. 6 00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:34,784 You have a therapist? 7 00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:36,953 She's more a life coach. 8 00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:39,039 Oh, God, I hate this town. 9 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,457 It's a... It's a sitcom. 10 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,125 Starring you? 11 00:00:42,333 --> 00:00:44,669 Oh, no. I... I'm thinkin' someone younger, 12 00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:46,880 maybe Judd Hirsch. 13 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:50,300 Okay, I'll be sure and give it a read. 14 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:52,217 Thank you. 15 00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:54,971 - Hello, Alex. - Hello, sir. 16 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:56,723 Not him. 17 00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:58,725 Not me, what? 18 00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:00,435 Don't worry about it. 19 00:01:00,518 --> 00:01:03,438 All right. Norm, this is Martin. Martin, Norman. 20 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,231 A pleasure. I've heard so much about you. 21 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,358 So you're December. 22 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:08,818 - [Sandy] Uh... - Excuse me? 23 00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:11,696 Well, there's a May-December thing going on, right? 24 00:01:12,113 --> 00:01:13,990 - Oh... Yeah. - You're December. 25 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,366 [chuckles] Okay, I got you. 26 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:17,535 I'm lookin' at you, I don't see November. 27 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,913 Well, let's say I'm just... Just after Thanksgiving. 28 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,163 [chuckles] 29 00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:22,498 So, what do you do? 30 00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:25,168 I was a high school teacher, retired now. 31 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,754 Ooh... Retired, that's bad. 32 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,130 And why is that bad? 33 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:32,217 Are you kidding? He might as well take a bath with a toaster. 34 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,385 Why would I want to do that? 35 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:35,762 [rattling] 36 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,098 Thank you, Alex. 37 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,809 - Martin, what are you drinking? - What's that? 38 00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:43,561 This is Jack Daniel's and Diet Dr Pepper. 39 00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,440 Maybe a vodka martini with a twist. 40 00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:49,984 - See that? That's how a man drinks. - [chuckles] 41 00:01:50,693 --> 00:01:53,446 Marty, it's a known fact that the life expectancy 42 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,573 of men who retire is slim to nothing. 43 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,283 Hang on. You're mostly retired. 44 00:01:57,367 --> 00:02:00,537 No. I'm very much involved in the day-to-day operations of my company. 45 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:01,871 I've just learned to delegate. 46 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:04,045 When was the last time you were in your office? 47 00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:06,918 There's no need to. We talk on the internet. We use WhatsApp. 48 00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,546 Oh, we... Uh, you use WhatsApp? 49 00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,673 Yeah. It's encrypted. End to end. 50 00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:13,716 [scoffs] Don't listen to him, you're fine. 51 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,052 Well, up to a minute ago, I thought I was. 52 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,847 Listen to me, Marty. Can I call you Marty? 53 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:21,117 You know, I actually... I go by... mostly by Martin. 54 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,684 Marty, get a job. 55 00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:25,645 Any job. Your very life depends upon it. 56 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:30,400 [laughs] Well, I just had a checkup and my doctor said I was in good shape. 57 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:34,070 Well, Dr. Norman says you're on the way out. 58 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,780 Is this thing with Mindy serious? 59 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,490 They're living together, Norman. 60 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:38,491 That's no good. 61 00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:41,744 She should try that eharmony thing. Meet somebody with a future. 62 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,914 Does he get that I'm sitting here? 63 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:48,459 He doesn't care. Something inside of him is broken. 64 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,171 Ah, here we go. 65 00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:58,510 Thanks. 66 00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:01,723 See, now, that... That's a guy who should retire. 67 00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:03,892 That's a guy who'll outlive you. 68 00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:05,560 A toast. 69 00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:07,437 To Mindy and Marty. 70 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,772 May they have many happy months together. 71 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,443 See? Broken. 72 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:23,620 Oh, boy. 73 00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:25,245 That was amazing. 74 00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:26,539 Yeah, I told you. 75 00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:29,751 I think the last time I had liver and onions, I must have been, 76 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,836 I don't know, probably ten years old. 77 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,672 - Is it as good as your mom's? - Oh, my mom's was awful. 78 00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:37,800 She would incinerate meat, turn it into shoe leather. 79 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:38,718 - Mm. - Oh, yeah. 80 00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,428 That was Depression-era cooking. 81 00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:44,390 People would buy the cheapest cut of meat and burn it to get all the parasites out. 82 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:45,934 Well, whatever the reason, 83 00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,519 if it weren't for ketchup, I wouldn't be alive today. 84 00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:49,479 Huh. 85 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:52,565 I was in college the first time I had steak medium rare. 86 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,108 I couldn't believe how good it was. 87 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,861 I called my mother and told her. She completely lost her mind. 88 00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:57,945 [chuckling] 89 00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:58,987 She started screaming 90 00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,616 that I should drink vinegar to kill all the tapeworms. 91 00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:05,036 - Well, did you? - Yeah. She scared the pants off me. 92 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:10,541 You know, sometimes I have dreams that my folks are still alive. 93 00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:12,543 That I'm having conversations with them. 94 00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:15,338 Me too. Vivid dreams, right? 95 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,173 Oh, yeah, like they were never gone. 96 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:18,465 Hmm. 97 00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:19,716 Yeah. 98 00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:21,886 My parents are still alive. 99 00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:23,345 Well... 100 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:24,847 Goody for you. 101 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:28,434 No, it's not like they're the picture of health or anything. 102 00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,728 You know, they're not... They're not doing well. 103 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,273 I'm gonna... 104 00:04:34,732 --> 00:04:36,526 Where does a guy brush his teeth around here? 105 00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:38,861 All right. Excuse me. 106 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:44,784 Why is he here, exactly? 107 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:47,203 I thought you two would hit it off. 108 00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:50,039 Yeah, well, swing and a miss. 109 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,625 Give him time, he's got a good heart. 110 00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:55,295 Did you know he was at Woodstock? 111 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:56,796 Oh, yeah? In a band? 112 00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:59,257 - No, in the mud. - So? 113 00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:02,093 So, it's a, uh, cultural touchstone. 114 00:05:02,176 --> 00:05:03,928 It's, uh, something we share. 115 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,597 Not with me. I went to the Newport Jazz Festival. 116 00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,057 Okay, something I share with him. 117 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,517 I saw Miles Davis there. 118 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,640 Okay, I get it. You're more sophisticated than I am. 119 00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:13,646 You saw Country Joe and the Fish. 120 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:14,856 I wasn't there. 121 00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:18,026 - So why are we talking about this? - Because Mart... [sighs] 122 00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:20,320 Oh, never mind. 123 00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:24,574 Is there any news on the Madelyn front? 124 00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:27,618 No. She's being very cool to me. 125 00:05:28,953 --> 00:05:29,953 Sorry. 126 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,255 That's all right. The whole thing was foolish. 127 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,625 Getting involved with a woman at my age, uh... 128 00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:36,377 I should have known better. 129 00:05:36,919 --> 00:05:40,089 Boy, if I were you, I wouldn't give up so fast. 130 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:44,093 What am I supposed to do? I apologized. I'm mending fences with Phoebe. 131 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,011 [sighs] 132 00:05:45,094 --> 00:05:49,849 I think you need to do something, you know, big. Like, a grand gesture. 133 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:51,600 Like? 134 00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:53,519 An engagement ring. 135 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,481 Are you crazy? Eileen just died a few months ago. 136 00:05:56,564 --> 00:06:00,777 I know under normal circumstances, you'd have a longer grief period, 137 00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:03,571 but let's be honest. [sighs] 138 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,031 How much time do you really got? 139 00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:08,034 Apparently enough time to waste it eating dinner with you 140 00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:09,702 and the roly-poly ponytail. 141 00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:14,957 Norman, if this woman makes you happy, and I know she does, 142 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,543 you should fight like hell not to lose her. 143 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:20,213 That's what Phoebe said. 144 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:21,839 Well, there you go. 145 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:24,675 Relationship advice from a drug addict fresh out of rehab 146 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,439 and a guy who's been divorced three times. 147 00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:27,387 How can you go wrong? 148 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:28,471 [both laugh] 149 00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:31,224 Hey. 150 00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,810 Don't want to put a damper on the evening, but, uh... 151 00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:36,270 I gotta say, I don't... I don't feel so good. 152 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:37,771 What's goin' on? 153 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:41,526 Well, I was takin' a leak, and I felt this... this sharp pain 154 00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,736 right... right here, like a... like a heavy weight. 155 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,655 What did I tell you? Retirement. 156 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:47,198 [sighs] Really? Jesus. 157 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:50,993 We just had a pretty heavy meal. You sure it's not indigestion? 158 00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:54,247 I, uh... I... I suppose it could be, but... 159 00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:55,164 [groans] 160 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,458 Try belching, see if that relieves the pressure. 161 00:06:58,209 --> 00:06:59,127 [burps] 162 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:00,878 - Anything? - No. 163 00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:02,755 - Try farting. - Norman! 164 00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:04,674 Gas doesn't care which hole. 165 00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:05,924 Try it. 166 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:07,343 Okay... 167 00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,387 - Uh... - Lift a cheek. 168 00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:12,765 - [groans] - The other way. 169 00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:13,975 [groans] 170 00:07:15,893 --> 00:07:17,395 - Oh, boy. - What? 171 00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:19,355 I just shit myself. 172 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,565 - You're kidding! - Mm. 173 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,733 - No, he's not. He's not. - Oh. 174 00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:25,778 Oh! Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Okay. 175 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:28,781 All right. I'm calling this. All right. Alex, 911. 176 00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:31,159 [groans] Sorry about this, fellas. 177 00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,251 Fuck it. You're gonna be fine. 178 00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:42,211 Cedars-Sinai is right around the corner, right? 179 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:45,506 God damn it. I saved room for cheesecake, too. Oh! 180 00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:51,220 [exhales heavily] 181 00:07:52,221 --> 00:07:53,681 Feel a little foolish now? 182 00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:55,432 What? 183 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,351 You said he had a good heart. 184 00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:00,313 You don't have to sit here. You can go home. 185 00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:02,356 No, no, no. I want to see what happens. 186 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,441 [sighs] 187 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,195 - How is he? - It was a mild heart attack. 188 00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:08,863 They're puttin' in a couple of stents. 189 00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:12,074 Doctor said not to worry, you can probably take him home tomorrow. 190 00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:15,286 You might wanna bring him some new pants. 191 00:08:15,786 --> 00:08:17,497 - What? - Ignore him. 192 00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,003 I don't know which drug you're sendin' through me, 193 00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:25,213 but keep it comin'. 194 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:29,675 You know, it's funny, but... when I started teaching, 195 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:31,719 that was a noble profession back then. 196 00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:34,013 Teachers were a respected part of the community. 197 00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:36,849 But now, no way, no sirree. 198 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:40,436 Now we're the first people the police visit when a child goes missing. 199 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,105 And you know why? Because in this culture, 200 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,565 right now, 201 00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:47,318 if you care about children, if you care about their future, 202 00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:50,530 well, then there is, ipso facto, something wrong with you, you know? 203 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:54,450 By the way, if... if you're a bachelor, if you're a single man, forget about that. 204 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,912 Why, that's tantamount to... Then you're... You're a pedophile satanist. 205 00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:00,873 You know, you... Oh, uh, don't pass Go, don't collect $200, 206 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,333 you sicko pervert. 207 00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:05,378 I... I'm a good person. 208 00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:08,464 I'm not a pervert. 209 00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,177 Although I'm not adverse 210 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:15,471 to a little finger in the heinie once in a while. 211 00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:20,309 [sighs] Your father says I should propose marriage, 212 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,645 but I don't know, that seems to me a little desperate. 213 00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:24,814 I'm thinking I could patch things up 214 00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:28,109 with maybe a nice gift card, maybe Williams-Sonoma. 215 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:32,196 Norman, no offense, but I'm kind of distracted right now. 216 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:36,367 Because of Marty? Don't worry, stents are no big deal. 217 00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:38,327 It's like snaking a toilet. 218 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:41,747 Make him stop talking. 219 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,916 Oh, honey, I've been trying for years. 220 00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,628 Okay, a little change of plans. 221 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:51,340 We started to put in a stent and decided he needed bypass surgery. 222 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,676 - Oh, my God! - But the operation went perfectly. 223 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:54,802 He's going to be fine. 224 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,513 Oh, that's great. That's great. Thank you, doc. 225 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,599 A couple of weeks' rest, he'll be as good as new. 226 00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:01,475 How can you say such a thing? 227 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,310 Excuse me? 228 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:06,647 He's a 66-year-old man with no job, he had a heart attack, 229 00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:08,774 and you're saying "good as new"? 230 00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:11,861 What? I told him to go home. 231 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,697 Sweetheart, he'll never be as good as new, 232 00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,940 but if you want him to be good for a couple more years, 233 00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,451 put him to work. 234 00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:20,244 Starbucks, Home Depot. 235 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,664 Anything other than, say, picking fruit, 236 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:26,042 because that can be brutal. 237 00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:30,463 When can I see him? 238 00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:33,215 As soon as he wakes up. Maybe half hour. 239 00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:34,591 Thank you. 240 00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:42,475 Anything else you want to say, Norman? 241 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,936 No. I think we've covered it. 242 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,691 [Lisa] Mindy must be a wreck. 243 00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:52,443 She's pretty shook up. 244 00:10:52,777 --> 00:10:53,611 Aww. 245 00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:56,739 Well, I'll give her a call later, see if she needs any help. 246 00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:58,741 - Thanks. - Yeah. 247 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,660 You okay? 248 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:06,666 Yeah, I just can't help thinking, there but for the grace of God, you know. 249 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:10,169 Well, if you're worried, call your doctor and get a checkup. 250 00:11:10,252 --> 00:11:11,252 I'm not worried. 251 00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:16,133 Well, um... What's... What's "there but for the grace of God"? 252 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,011 Never mind, forget about it. 253 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,847 When's the last time you had a stress test? 254 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:22,932 Um... 255 00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:25,559 - Last time I had sex with you. - Oh! Hm. 256 00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:27,704 - Came through with flying colors. - [chuckles] 257 00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:28,728 Well... 258 00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:31,023 - Well, I came through it. Hm. - [laughs] 259 00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:32,775 You should just get a checkup. 260 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,694 Ah, I don't need a checkup. 261 00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:38,656 I really wish you wouldn't do that. 262 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:40,824 Do what? 263 00:11:41,158 --> 00:11:43,494 By bringing up the possibility of me having... 264 00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:46,080 cardio issues, 265 00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:48,165 you're kind of inviting trouble. 266 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,249 So what, 267 00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:53,295 having a conversation about it is... is bad luck? 268 00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:56,048 No, it's... it's not bad luck, it's just that you're... 269 00:11:56,424 --> 00:12:00,177 [sighs] You're putting it out there in the universe as a possibility. 270 00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:02,847 It's better not to talk about it. 271 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,891 When did you get superstitious? 272 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,643 - I'm not superstitious. - Oh. 273 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:10,354 I just have a healthy respect for bad juju. 274 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:11,564 Uh, bad juju? 275 00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:12,648 - [laughs] - [sighs] 276 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,317 Regardless, you don't take your car to the mechanic 277 00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:16,861 when it's running just fine. 278 00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:20,197 Yeah, you do when your car was built in 1945. 279 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:22,992 [sighs] I should never have told you my real birthday. 280 00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:24,367 Yeah. 281 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:27,829 I'm sorry. 282 00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:30,374 [chuckles] 283 00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:38,466 You maybe feel like takin' the car out for a little spin? 284 00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:40,925 Really? 285 00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:44,305 Are we done with that platonic bullshit? 286 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:47,641 I will give you three seconds to rephrase that. 287 00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,018 I would love to. 288 00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,311 Hmm. 289 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:52,896 Much better. 290 00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,734 I, um... Just need a half hour... 291 00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,986 to digest my dinner. 292 00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:00,528 Sure. 293 00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:03,156 You know what? 294 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:04,658 Let's call it an hour. 295 00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,620 - That stuff's pretty greasy. - [both laugh] 296 00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:11,957 Well, you're certainly looking better. 297 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,125 Thank you. 298 00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:17,296 Wasn't sure what magazines you like so I just took a guess, and, uh... 299 00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:22,510 I just had a heart attack and you guessed Cigar Aficionado? 300 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,222 There's an interview with Danny DeVito. He talks about humidors. 301 00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:28,515 Okay. 302 00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,267 How's the soup? 303 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,437 The soup... It's fine. 304 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,899 Jerry's Deli. Also brought you a pastrami sandwich, 305 00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:39,318 but, uh, Mindy confiscated it. 306 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,654 Yeah. Because Mindy wants me to live. 307 00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:43,197 Yeah, I get that. 308 00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:46,242 But you still have to have something to live for. 309 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,285 It's a little too late for that. 310 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,497 Sandy, let me tell you somethin'. 311 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,375 I have wasted my life. 312 00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:56,126 No, no. Don't... Don't say that. 313 00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:57,962 I never took any chances. 314 00:13:58,045 --> 00:13:59,213 I just... I played it safe. 315 00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:01,590 I disagree. You've helped thousands of kids 316 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,175 become productive citizens. 317 00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,468 Oh, fuck 'em. 318 00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:07,137 You're just being cynical for what you went through. 319 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:10,766 A couple of weeks from now, you'll be singing a different tune. 320 00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,634 It's funny you would say that. 321 00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:17,648 You know, I... I could have had a career as a singer. 322 00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:19,400 - Is that so? - Yes. 323 00:14:19,483 --> 00:14:22,653 Had a band in college. Played keyboards. 324 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:27,783 Yeah. We did Allman Brothers and the Stones, Jethro Tull. 325 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,785 - "Aqualung"? - "Aqualung." 326 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:30,870 Stupid fuckin' song. 327 00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:36,166 "Snot running down his nose, greasy fingers, smearing shabby clothes." 328 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,251 Who writes that? 329 00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:39,461 Yeah, but he played the flute. That was cool. 330 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:40,545 Played the flute. 331 00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:42,506 So, why'd you quit? 332 00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:45,092 Why'd I quit? My parents... 333 00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,720 begged me to get a teaching degree, 334 00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:50,139 you know, so I'd have something to fall back on 335 00:14:50,347 --> 00:14:52,516 in case the music thing didn't pan out. 336 00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,227 - And you fell back. - Like the French army. 337 00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:59,690 So, my big dream of playing my rock opera at the Fillmore East 338 00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:03,360 somehow became playing "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" 339 00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,362 at Blaine Weintraub's bar mitzvah. 340 00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,531 - Yeah, that's another stupid song. - Yeah. 341 00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:10,993 Try playing it for 200 people eatin' pound cake. [snorts] 342 00:15:11,493 --> 00:15:12,828 I wish I was more like you. 343 00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:15,456 You had the guts to... to stick with your dream. 344 00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:17,499 Well, thank you. Thanks. 345 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:18,792 I mean, you stayed with it 346 00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:21,795 long after it was clear you weren't goin' anywhere. 347 00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:23,756 Well, I... I wouldn't go that far. 348 00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:26,008 No, it's true. The writing was on the wall, 349 00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:27,843 you refused to read it. 350 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,346 Thanks again. So, uh... 351 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,848 About your rock opera, what was it about? 352 00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:35,434 [sighs] It was good, good story. 353 00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:38,520 Blind boy falls in love with a deaf girl during a nuclear war. 354 00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:43,400 Cuban missile crisis, nuclear war. I'm sensing a theme here. 355 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,487 When I was 14, I got a blowjob in a bomb shelter. 356 00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:48,364 Eh, it really informed my work. 357 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,157 - Duck and cover. - Mm-hm. 358 00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:51,991 A good play. 359 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:54,495 Eh, but, uh... 360 00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:58,666 But I quit on it, because... 361 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:01,292 I'm a quitter. 362 00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:04,588 No, no, no. Hey, come on, you... you're being too hard on yourself. 363 00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:07,216 And I put my whole heart and soul into the thing. 364 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:08,300 I'm sure you did. 365 00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:10,551 No, it was good. 366 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,931 ♪ Can you see the mushroom cloud? ♪ 367 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:17,184 [falsetto] ♪ Can you hear The boom so loud? ♪ 368 00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:18,644 Then the whole chorus comes in. 369 00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:22,481 ♪ Fallout, fallout, fallout While we fall in love ♪ 370 00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:25,776 - Catchy. - Yeah. 371 00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:30,572 Hey, Siri, call Dr. Shenckman. 372 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,033 Calling Dr. Shenckman. 373 00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:34,410 [ringing tone] 374 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:36,620 [woman] Dr. Shenckman's office, please hold. 375 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,706 - [sighs] - ["Aqualung" plays] 376 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:40,082 ♪..of his broken luck ♪ 377 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:42,751 - ♪ Hey, Aqualung ♪ - [sighs] 378 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:44,461 Fuck it, it's a sign. 379 00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:49,883 ♪ Sitting on a park bench ♪ 380 00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:55,222 ♪ Eyeing little girls with bad intent ♪ 381 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:03,355 ♪ Snot running down his nose ♪ 382 00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:10,195 ♪ Greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes ♪ 383 00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:12,990 ♪ Hey, Aqualung ♪ 384 00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:27,337 ♪ Whoa ♪ 385 00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:30,049 ♪ Aqualung ♪ 386 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,469 [Eugene] You know what? I really don't care anymore. We just... 387 00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:37,389 Give her the house and the cars and the dog 388 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,516 and my cock and balls. 389 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,603 What difference does it make? It's all bullshit anyway! 390 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:45,354 Half? 391 00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,316 Half the practice? 392 00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:50,319 Uh... Sure, why not, you know? 393 00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:53,155 Just four years of med school, eight years of residency, 394 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:57,076 30 years of blood, sweat and tears, how is that not community property? 395 00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,495 - [beep] - [woman] Sandy Kominsky's here. 396 00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:00,621 [sighs] 397 00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:01,704 Give me a minute. 398 00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:05,667 Jeffrey, just give her whatever the fuck she wants. 399 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,419 All right? I just want it over. 400 00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:09,254 I gotta go. Bye. 401 00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:12,049 [whimpers] 402 00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:14,550 [sighs] 403 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:27,647 [sighs] 404 00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,066 [banging at door] 405 00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:30,149 Come in. 406 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:33,820 Thank you. 407 00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,283 - Hey, doc. - Sandy. 408 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,285 Hey, how you doin'? 409 00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:42,204 A little nervous, but... 410 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,289 You're smiling. That's encouraging. 411 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,333 Yeah, I'm always smiling, you know? 412 00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:49,002 Gotta maintain a positive outlook. 413 00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:50,628 [sighs] 414 00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:54,633 Let's have a gander at those test results. 415 00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:57,677 Ah. 416 00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:59,346 Aaaaah. 417 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:04,935 [exhales] 418 00:19:06,728 --> 00:19:07,771 Mm-hm. 419 00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:12,234 Uh-huh. Oh. 420 00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:13,652 Are these your kids? 421 00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:16,989 Only on weekends and holidays. 422 00:19:20,617 --> 00:19:21,617 Well! 423 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:26,039 You got, um, good news and some bad news. 424 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:30,085 [chuckles] Why do you guys always do this? You... Just tell me. 425 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,922 Sorry, just trying to keep things loose. 426 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,173 Tell me. 427 00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:36,925 Fine. 428 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,886 Well, your heart is... is perfectly healthy. 429 00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:43,265 You've got no blockage in your arteries, you got great blood pressure, 430 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:45,434 - all systems A-okay. - [sighs] 431 00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:46,602 Thank you. Uh... 432 00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:49,813 And the, uh... 433 00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:51,648 the bad news? 434 00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,611 Can I just be a little loose? 435 00:19:56,236 --> 00:19:57,236 Doc. 436 00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,532 Okay. Well, we found a spot on one of your lungs. 437 00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:06,455 What kind of spot? 438 00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:10,125 Well, we're gonna have to do a biopsy to be sure, 439 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,002 but it's most likely cancer. 440 00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:24,431 I haven't had a cigarette in 40 years. I... 441 00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:26,641 Good for you. 442 00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,937 I still sneak one once in a while. 443 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,318 [sighs] Jesus! 444 00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:41,656 Fuck! 445 00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:44,743 [sighs] 446 00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:49,706 Is it treatable? 447 00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:51,667 [sighs] 448 00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:52,750 I would think so. 449 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,461 We caught it pretty early. 450 00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:56,462 Okay. 451 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,548 Okay, so, um... 452 00:20:58,632 --> 00:20:59,632 Uh, chemo? 453 00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:01,550 Radiation? 454 00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:04,888 A lot of these questions would be better answered 455 00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,265 by an oncologist. 456 00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:08,141 And I will give you referrals. 457 00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:09,768 Thank you. Thank you. 458 00:21:11,144 --> 00:21:13,021 "Aqualung," of course. 459 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,066 Can I keep working? 460 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:19,027 Again, it's better to ask an oncologist. 461 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:22,656 Uh, but I would say some of the treatments are pretty debilitating. 462 00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:25,492 So do you have someone who can go through this with you? 463 00:21:31,873 --> 00:21:33,875 I'm gonna have to make some calls. 464 00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:38,212 [sighs] 465 00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,006 Okay. 466 00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:42,258 Good. 467 00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:45,094 Yes. 468 00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:48,097 Thanks, doc. 469 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:53,312 Call me with anything, but, uh... 470 00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:55,230 spirits up. 471 00:21:58,150 --> 00:21:59,401 [sighs] 472 00:22:07,909 --> 00:22:08,909 [sighs] 473 00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,581 Okay, don't tell me. Let me guess. 474 00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:15,250 - You're in trouble with the IRS again. - No. 475 00:22:15,792 --> 00:22:17,169 You fathered identical twins 476 00:22:17,252 --> 00:22:19,171 while you were doing Pippin in the Adirondacks, 477 00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:21,174 and now they've hunted you down, they want money. 478 00:22:21,548 --> 00:22:23,675 No! Jesus, twins. 479 00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:26,636 You shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. 480 00:22:26,803 --> 00:22:28,847 - What? - Johnny Cash. 481 00:22:29,264 --> 00:22:30,390 Okay, I give up. 482 00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:32,100 What can I help you with? 483 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:36,438 Uh, next week, I start treatment for lung cancer. 484 00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:39,232 Oh, God, Sandy! 485 00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:40,984 Yeah. Uh... 486 00:22:41,526 --> 00:22:44,613 Anyway, I might need some help with the day-to-day stuff. 487 00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:47,032 Of course, anything you need. 488 00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:50,035 Uh... 489 00:22:50,118 --> 00:22:51,119 Have you told Mindy yet? 490 00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:54,456 No. And that's another thing, I don't want her to know. 491 00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:57,084 She's got enough on her hands with Martin. 492 00:22:58,627 --> 00:22:59,627 Okay. 493 00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:01,754 In fact, 494 00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:03,799 let's not tell anyone. 495 00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,343 I don't want people treating me differently. 496 00:23:06,676 --> 00:23:08,804 So, you're gonna do the quiet, stoic thing. 497 00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:10,764 - [scoffs] Right. - Okay, well... 498 00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:12,849 - let's see how long that lasts. - Well... 499 00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:15,811 Can I ask you what the prognosis is? 500 00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:18,146 Uh, uh... Did they... Did they catch it early? 501 00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:21,358 Yeah. At least that's what they told me. 502 00:23:21,775 --> 00:23:23,276 Well, that's fortuitous, right? 503 00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:24,568 I guess, eh... 504 00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:27,864 - You gonna keep working? - I'm gonna try. 505 00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:33,071 What are you gonna tell people if your hair falls out? 506 00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:34,663 I asked about that. 507 00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:37,040 It may not happen with this kind of treatment. 508 00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:38,291 And if it did, 509 00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:41,002 bald is hip these days, eh? 510 00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:42,754 [sighs] Yeah, I've noticed that. 511 00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:46,007 The other day, a young man at my office 512 00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:48,218 asked me what I use to shave my head with. 513 00:23:48,301 --> 00:23:49,301 What did you tell him? 514 00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:52,305 I said every few days, I soak my head in chicken fat. 515 00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:53,807 [laughs] 516 00:23:53,890 --> 00:23:56,518 - You're a bad man. - Yeah, I know. 517 00:23:57,352 --> 00:24:00,105 I'm hoping he comes to work smelling like broth. 518 00:24:00,188 --> 00:24:01,188 [chuckles] Yeah. 519 00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:07,737 We're gonna get you through this. 520 00:24:10,740 --> 00:24:11,740 I hope so. 521 00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:13,242 No hoping. 522 00:24:13,493 --> 00:24:14,870 We'll just do it.