[sighs]
Boy, you got old.
Look who's talking.
[inhales deeply] How're you feeling?
I know you mean well, but that is a stupid question.
-[laughs] -Where's Mindy?
Uh, she and Martin went to get something to eat.
And you stayed to keep an eye on me?
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
[chuckles]
So, how long were you planning on keeping your condition a secret?
What condition?
I don't know. I just wanted to spend time with my daughter
without her having to worry about me.
Roz, she's worried.
Yeah.
But you're not alone. We're gonna get you through this.
Yeah. Well, I appreciate your concern, but this does not end well.
You don't know that. I mean, there… there's, uh, chemo--
-Did it. -Bone marrow--
-Did it. -All kinds of holistic stuff--
Bunch of bullshit. And did it.
[exhales] Well, I'm sure there's things that you didn't do.
-Sandy… -[Sandy] Sorry.
I forgot my ex-wife is the smartest person in the world.
Is that why all your other ex-wives are dumber than a bag of rocks?
-Ooh. That's a low blow. -[Roz] Mmm.
But maybe. Yeah.
Assuming that you're right about this, what's your plan?
Well, it's pretty simple, really.
After a while, I go into assisted living then hospice.
And then I get to find out if helping sick people in third-world countries
gets me a meet and greet with Jesus.
You are a piece of work.
I remember when you thought I was a piece of ass.
I always said that as a compliment.
And I took it as one.
[Sandy laughs]
So, listen, um, your plans are no good.
There's not gonna be an assisted living or a hospice.
You stay with me and Mindy.
If we need help, we'll bring somebody in.
That's not gonna work.
It's too hard. Too exhausting.
Oh, stop being so smart.
Too expensive.
Aha! You forgot your daughter is Mindy Warbucks.
Besides, every dollar we spend on you
is a dollar not spent on hair plugs
for Estelle Schneider's little boy.
You aren't serious.
He has expressed a desire to bring back the, uh… the pompadour.
[laughs]
"Kookie, lend me your comb."
[laughs]
All right. So, why?
[Sandy] Why what?
Why, after all these years of…
after all these years…
[groans softly]
Don't overthink it. I… I just, uh, do.
Well, are you a recovering alcoholic?
-You making amends? -I said, don't overthink it.
[Martin] I'm curious. Were you born cesarean or vaginal?
Cover me.
What? Why?
I'm gonna guess vaginal, 'cause of how close you are with your mom.
I was cesarean.
My mother couldn't be bothered to push.
-[Mindy] Hey. -Shh.
-She okay? -[mouthing]
[sniffs] Do you know, to this day, I eat Jell-O, I think of Bill Cosby?
I feel guilty now 'cause I… I still enjoy it.
'Cause the-- Hmm.
[theme music playing]
-[laughing] -And then the sparks fly…
[students chattering indistinctly]
Oh, okay. That makes sense.
[Lane laughs]
[Theresa] I had a retainer, but I lost it. They're very expensive.
[groans]
No.
-This isn't about money. -We're here to help mankind.
Oh, will you just stop it with that shit?
-[Robbie] It's true. -I don't care. Just stop it!
[grunts] Make it fast.
Okay, so, uh, we just wanted to thank you for honoring Dad's…
[Sandy] Faster.
…wishes, and we wanna do that too.
-So what we're proposing-- -Time's up.
Is to create a philanthropic foundation that gives grandpa's money to good causes,
with a special focus on healthcare and education.
-[sighs] -[Phoebe] Thoughts?
-Questions? -Yeah. What's the catch?
There's no catch.
We just got to talking about what would make grandpa happy,
and we came up with this.
The Norman Newlander Family Foundation.
Our mission statement is to help down-stats--
Down-stats?
Poor people.
[splutters] Is to help poor people
get access to free healthcare and pursue their educational goals.
With scholarships.
That is what he wanted.
[Phoebe] Right?
So, uh, what's in it for you?
Well, giving away all this money would be our full-time job.
We would just need some kind of compensation.
To cover expenses and such.
Sure. Yeah.
So?
-So, what? -So, give me a number.
Well, before we do that,
I think it's important to factor in what we bring to the job.
My training as a Scientology registrar is particularly--
What's the number?
-A million dollars a year. -Each.
-Half a million? -Get out of here.
-"Scientology registrar," really? -[door closes]
What's your résumé say, "dope fiend"?
Hey, I'm in recovery.
-Hey, I'm an operating thetan. -You're an operating asshole.
[both shivering]
[Jude] Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me,
because it brought me to you. And for that, I am… I'm thankful.
I'm thankful, Rose, so you… you… you must do me this honor.
-Promise me that you'll survive. -[gasping]
No matter what happens. No matter how hopeless.
Promise me.
And never let go of that promise, Rose.
Never let go.
[whimpering] I'll never let go.
I will never let go.
[crying softly]
[Breana crying softly]
Jack, there's… there's a boat.
[gasping]
There's a boat, Ja… Jack.
Come back.
Come back! [sobs]
I'll never let go.
[whimpering]
[whistle peeps faintly]
[Breana gasping]
And scene!
[students applauding, cheering]
Terrific! Good job.
Thank you.
Okay. Grab a seat, and, uh,
let's talk about this scene.
Or, more specifically,
let's talk about the subject matter
of the scene.
Dying, on camera or on stage,
to play a heartbreaking and hopefully slow death,
is the dream of every actor.
I would wager there's not an actor or actress who hasn't fantasized
about how they would play those final moments.
As the life force slowly slips away
and as we teeter on the edge of nonexistence,
how would we gasp out those last words of wit and wisdom?
But is that what happens as death draws close?
Do the dying exact promises from those they leave behind?
Do they confess their sins?
Do they make a joke?
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not taking issue with the scene or the way you guys performed it.
You did a great job.
What I'm asking you to think about…
is what actually happens in those final moments.
I'm not talking about a shocking, violent death.
I'm talking about…
[exhales]
…when you know it's coming.
When you've fully surrendered
to the… ultimate magic trick.
When we really and truly
disappear.
[exhales] I've sat at the bedside, and I've held the hands of friends and…
and loved ones
as they breathed their last breath.
[exhales] And I can tell you this.
The dramatic soliloquy at the end of life
is pure and utter nonsense.
If anything is being said, it's internal.
You can almost hear it.
They're having an internal conversation
filled with disbelief and… and… and wonder
that their life has come to an end.
They hardly notice you sitting there at all.
For the dying,
the living are irrelevant.
[clears throat] So,
if you should ever have the opportunity to play such a scene,
approach it with reverence.
Consider it holy.
Make sure it receives your utmost care
and respect.
Uh, okay. [chuckles]
Uh, that's enough from me.
Um, before we call it a night, I have an announcement to make.
Sort of a good news, bad news kind of thing.
Um…
The good news is
yours truly has been cast in a movie.
-[gasps] Wow! -[all exclaiming]
Thank you. I'm very excited too.
Last time I was in front of a camera was at the DMV.
[all laughing]
The bad news is I will not be here for a few months.
Obviously, if you prepaid for your classes,
you'll be fully reimbursed,
or if you want to continue working, Mindy will be taking over my classes.
I want my money back.
It's your call.
-I'd like to keep working with Mindy. -Yeah. Me too.
-Mindy's cool. -I'll stick around.
Yeah. Why not?
I changed my mind. I'll stay.
Sandy, I'm so happy for you about the movie.
-Thank you, Margaret. -You're gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna miss you.
All of you.
I'm annoying? I'm annoying? I'm trying to eat a meal by myself.
If you wanna give him the sandwich, give him the sandwich. If you don't--
-[man] Well, look at his eyes! -I ask one simple question…
It's hard to believe these guys were all unknown actors when Barry cast 'em.
If you can see 'em. Can you see 'em?
Everybody can see 'em, Martin.
Is that Kevin Bacon? He's so tiny.
Hey, ask Levinson if… if he's a nice guy, 'cause I heard otherwise.
I'll be sure to bring it up with him.
Could we just take a break for a moment?
You okay? You need anything?
Yeah, no, I'm fine. I just--
Well, I wanna talk.
First of all, I want to apologize for not being honest
about what was going on with me.
I thought that I could--
Well, I-- I don't know what I was thinking. [chuckles]
It was stupid.
Mom, you're entitled to your privacy.
No. I can't, in good conscience,
call this one stupid, unless I call it on myself.
Thank you.
Second, I'd like to see this wedding happen sooner
rather than later.
I'll try to help with the planning all I can, but as you can see,
there's not… there's not much I can do.
Oh, no, no, no. We… we'll make all the arrangements.
-You don't have to do anything. -Oh.
Well, one request. I do want to walk Mindy down the aisle.
Uh, that's my job.
Really? You're gonna make an issue of this?
-No. -We could do it together.
I… I… I'm good with that.
Oh, and, Martin, of course, I assume
you'll want to walk down the aisle with your mother.
Sure. Yeah. Or I could fly solo. I don't know. [chuckles] Either way.
She's-- You know, she's-- The thing is she's not really much of a walker.
She teaches cha-cha.
Martin, you really should do it with your mom.
[mouthing]
Whatever. [chuckles] Sure. Okay.
And I was thinking, if we want to keep it simple,
we could have the ceremony and the party at your studio.
Well, I… I love that.
I thought you might.
Oh, and of course you pick your favorite restaurant
to do all the catering.
-Okay. -Although you can't go wrong with Spago.
We'll keep it small and intimate with just close friends and family.
-Sounds right. -And a DJ instead of a band.
Okay, but… but playing records, right? Not the scratchy thing?
-Yeah. -You know? I don't like that.
Now, do either of you have a minister or… or rabbi or… or priest
that you want to do the wedding?
No.
Fine. Then I'll do it.
And if you don't mind, I'd like to contribute
to the centerpieces and floral arrangements,
boutonnieres, et cetera.
Sure.
And you can pay for the rehearsal dinner and the bachelor party.
You got some guys you'd like to invite to a bachelor party?
Most of my friends are dead.
-Great. I can afford an open bar. -Oh.
Okay. Well, sounds like a plan. [chuckles]
-It's getting late. We're gonna turn in. -Yeah?
-[Mindy] Yeah. -Okay.
Good night. [chuckles]
-[Mindy] Night. -[Roz] Good night.
First she's too sick to plan anything, then she plans everything?
Just keep walking.
Martin? I am really looking forward to meeting your mom.
Ah, yeah, I'm sure you… you two will hit it off.
[Roz laughs]
That is such fun.
-I told you. -[both laughing]
-You all comfy? -Yes.
-Hmm. Want another blanket? -No. I'm fine.
Okay.
You got water, meds, book, phone.
-Anything else that you need? -No. That's it.
Okay. I'm off.
What, no tongue?
Ooh, you want tongue. I'll give you tongue.
-Oh, shit, no. I was just bluffing. -[both laugh]
Uh, you gonna read, or should I get the lights?
-Oh, get the lights. [exhales] -Okay.
-Good night. -Good night.
[door closes]
["Working in the Coal Mine" by The Judds playing]
♪ Workin' in the coal mine Goin' on down, down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Oops, about to slip down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Goin' on down, down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Oops, about to slip down ♪
♪ Five o'clock in the mornin' ♪
♪ I'm already up and gone ♪
♪ Lord, I'm so tired ♪
♪ How long can this go on? ♪
♪ Workin' in the coal mine Goin' on down, down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Oops, about to slip down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Goin' on down, down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Oops, about to slip down ♪
♪ 'Cause I make a little money ♪
♪ Haulin' coal by the ton ♪
♪ When Saturday rolls around ♪
♪ I'm too tired for havin' fun ♪
♪ Workin' in the coal mine Goin' on down, down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Oops, about to slip down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Goin' on down, down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Oops, about to slip down ♪
♪ Lord, I'm so tired ♪
♪ How long can this go on? ♪
♪ Workin' in the coal mine Goin' on down, down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Oops, about to slip down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine Goin' on down, down… ♪
[Sandy] So? What do you think?
I think you're gonna get an Oscar.
Okay. If you're gonna be ridiculous, never mind.
Why? No, you're doing great work.
And I should know. I'm a doctor.
Okay, fine. [chuckles] Thanks.
It's gonna be released on one of those streaming deals anyway,
so it won't be eligible for an Oscar.
-Nobel Peace Prize. -]Sandy] There you go.
-[laughs] -[phone vibrates]
Ah, Mindy.
-[phone beeps] -Yeah. Hi, Min.
No. We're… we're on our way.
Great. I'm looking forward to meeting her.
-Who? -Martin's mother just arrived.
Should we stop and get a bottle of wine?
-What? That's terrible. -What happened?
No. No, that's not right.
-What's not right? -Hold on.
Martin's mother made a joke about Mindy's weight.
-What kind of joke? -Is there a good kind?
Honey, listen. She's a stupid old woman.
Just ignore her.
-Ah, damn. Asshole. -What asshole?
No. You're right.
He has to defend you. Otherwise, what good is he?
Is this Martin?
He said nothing. He just giggled like a little boy.
All right. Listen-- No.
Wait. Don't you think that's a little extreme?
Yeah. All right. I'll ask.
She's really upset, and she doesn't want to stay there.
Of course. She doesn't have to ask.
-He says of course. -Wait, wait, wait. Well, what about you?
What you do mean, "What about me?"
I'm not staying with Martin and his mother.
Right. Yeah. You're right.
She says thank you. Honey, do me a favor.
Throw all my stuff in the suitcase and, uh, bring it with you, okay?
Yeah. We'll meet you there.
And, sweetheart, don't worry.
This will all work out.
I love you too.
-Bye. -[phone beeps]
-Well, shit. -Yeah.
You know, I just have the two bedrooms.
-You got a couch? -Yeah.
Then you'll be fine.
I don't blame her. She's not the problem.
She's just an evil, old, brain-dead cunt.
It's him.
He doesn't have the balls to stand up to her!
Some honey for my honey?
I'm just glad this happened now before the wedding.
Otherwise, I'd be shackled to that mama's boy for life.
Yes.
Martin should have said something,
but that doesn't mean he's not a good guy.
He's just trying to be respectful of his mom.
[Mindy] Fuck him!
The whole time she was picking me apart, he was looking down at his shoes.
Stupid, ugly homemade shoes.
You got anything stronger?
-Uh, bourbon? -Bring it!
I don't care how old she is.
I don't take that shit from anybody.
Nor should you.
The last person who talked to me like that is still looking for his left nut.
[Roz] Oh my. Um…
You know, I think it would be a good idea if we all got a good night's sleep
and revisit this in the morning.
There's nothing to revisit.
The wedding's off. Good night.
[exhales]
Sweet dreams.
Really?
[sighs]
-[car door slams] -[Sandy grunts] I got a five a.m. call.
Look what I'm doing.
[spits]
[banging on door]
-What the hell? You'll wake her up. -Ask me if I give a shit.
You need to go to my house, get down on your knees
and beg Mindy to forgive you.
Okay. It's… it's a little late.
Can I beg first thing in the morning when I'm fresh?
-[Estelle] What's going on? -Oh, hi, Mom. Uh, this is Sandy.
That's Mindy's dad.
-This is, uh, my mom. -Nice to meet you.
-Do you have any idea what time it is? -I know exactly what time it is.
So, what, you just don't care about other people?
You bang on doors and shoot your mouth off while they're trying to sleep?
I'm here to keep your son
from losing the best thing that's ever happened to him.
I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
And your daughter wouldn't have run crying to Daddy
if you raised her to withstand a little criticism.
You're questioning how I raised my kid?
Look at this mutt.
Is this what you call a success story?
Okay. That's uncalled for.
Let me tell you something, Sammy--
Sandy.
Sandy?
There's nothing Sandy about you.
My Martin has done very well for himself, despite the fact
that he's had to overcome many handicaps.
Wait a minute. What handicaps?
And if, at this point in his life,
he has chosen your daughter to settle down with--
Settle down?
He's an old man with a shitty ticker!
He's down, lady, okay? He's down.
Again, kinda hurtful.
And if he's settling with your daughter, she needs to buck up
and stop being so goddamn sensitive about her
shape.
Her… her shape?
-I was trying to be polite. -Hmm. [inhales]
-[exhales] -[sighs]
You poor bastard.
You never had a chance.
[sighs]
[door opens, closes]
So, that… that… that's Sandy.
-Good night, Ma. -[Estelle] Yeah.
♪ You always hurt ♪
♪ The one you love ♪
♪ The one ♪
♪ You shouldn't hurt at all ♪
♪ You always take ♪
♪ The sweetest rose ♪
♪ Crush it till the petals fall ♪
♪ You always break the kindest heart ♪
♪ With a hasty word ♪
♪ You can't recall, so ♪
♪ If I broke your heart… ♪