Siri, do charity shops accept dead men's pants?
PHONE BEEPS
SIRI: I found this on the web.
KNOCKING, DOORBELL RINGS Cathy, we're here! Hey, Cathy!
Bloody hell.
This place is well nice.
Oh! Cathy, thanks for this.
I just felt I needed to see his other home before you sold it,
you know, for closure.
Is this a drawing room?
Oh, no. No.
I mean, it just looks big because it's empty. But...
Does your mum mind us coming over?
Oh, well, she's at her sister's for the weekend.
She couldn't really face the move.
It's a lot to process, what with Dad suddenly dying and finding out
he had a secret love child.
Yeah, and the fact that her marriage was a lie for three decades.
Yeah...
..and that.
MUSIC: Do You Believe In Magic by The Lovin' Spoonful
# Do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart... #
So, guys, I have been batting round the idea of
getting a memorial bench for Dad.
Oh. Like a Princess Diana fountain?
Erm, imagine the sort of essence of Princess Diana's fountain,
but kind of distilled into a bench.
Oh, great. Yeah, we'll chip in.
Oh, amazing.
Well, I've been researching reliably hard wood and...
MARILYN SNIGGERS
It's very apt for your father.
..and reclaimed oak's probably going to be our best bet, so that is Â£426
for the bench and Â£226 for the plot.
So, all in all, it's probably going to be around and about Â£344 each.
Great.
Amazing.
Nice wheels.
This yours?
Oh, yeah, Dad got me that for my 14th.
I got up to some pretty crazy shit on that bad boy,
delivering the old parish mag...
..azine.
You know, I was wanted a bike like this.
Dad said he'd get me one, but instead you got it.
SHE GIGGLES
I'm joking.
You know what? You have it. No. No.
No, seriously, it would mean the world to me if you took the bike.
Bloody hell. You sure?
And, you know what? If you want anything else,
then just go for your life.
What, anything? Yeah, seriously, dig in.
God, you'd be doing me a V big fave.
Right, I better bust a move. Are you leaving?
I know, it sucks, but since you guys were two hours late, it sort of ate
into our us time and it's the first day in our new love nest.
Bleugh!
Gross. Sorry, don't know why I said that.
Ooh.
I'm really sensing your dad here.
Did he often lean over this counter?
Well, I mean, he would very occasionally lean over the sink
to open the window if the drains got eggy.
Hmm. I thought so.
God, I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to this place.
I mean, I know we have to sell it, but it's just...
..it's like saying goodbye to my childhood.
There are so many...
RATTLING
Oh, my God!
Your fridge makes snow!
Ha!
Good.
SHE WHISPERS: Wow.
Hello! I'm home!
Where are you? Upstairs?
MARCUS GIGGLES
The new mattress has arrived!
Woo!
Oh, I can't wait.
What's the old one still doing here?
I thought the removals guys were supposed to take it with them.
Were they? Yeah.
Come on. Try out the new bed. Mm?
Come on.
MARCUS GIGGLES
Oh, I love memory foam.
I can actually feel my back thanking me for this.
Sorry, I can't relax with that looming over me.
What are you doing? That's way too heavy.
I'm OK. I'm not a damsel in distress, Marcus.
CATHY STRAINS
I'm fine.
It's light, if anything.
OK, well, use your back properly. Yes, thank you.
I can do this.
Just stop mansplaining everything to me.
It's no problem for me to... Just leave it, OK, Marcus?
Just... It's fine there.
Good. I'm going to make dinner!
MUSIC: A Beautiful Morning by The Rascals
# It's a beautiful morning... #
MUSIC PLAYS IN CAR
ENGINE AND MUSIC TURN OFF
Oh, my...
Police.
Yeah, sorry, hi. I think we've been burgled.
Oh, my God. I mean, they've literally taken everything.
Er, sorry, do you know what? Scrap that. Yeah. No, sorry.
Uh, Cat.
What about Dad's toothbrush?
Put that on the keep pile.
I love the thought of that buzzing away in his mouth.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, hang on!
COMMOTION FROM WITHIN
Cathy. Hiya.
Mum! Mum, it's Cathy!
Yeah, you forgot the bike I gave you.
Mum, help me shift this fridge freezer, will you?
Hold on.
Definitely keep.
I can just picture his lovely feet bubbling away in there.
That was actually my mum's.
Chuck it.
FOOT SPA CLATTERS
Yay or nay?
Oh, actually, sorry, do you mind if I keep that?
Sorry, Cathy, did you want some of this stuff?
You did say help yourself to anything and everything.
Yeah, yes, I did say that.
I just didn't realise you'd be so bloody thorough.
THEY LAUGH
I actually thought we'd been burgled.
I was this close to calling the police.
I did call the police.
CATHY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
I can assure you, I will treasure your dad's treasures
as though they were my own internal organs.
GURGLING
Are you soda streaming wine?
Yeah. We had fizzy tea earlier.
Right, a toast. To new sisters...
..new houses...
..and a shitload of new old shit.
Ah. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.
Ooh. Ooh.
THEY SLURP
THEY BURP
Ooh. Oh, pardon me.
I swear down, I am never drinking flat wine again.
CAR IMMOBILISER BEEPS Are you sure you don't want to stay?
Oh, thank you, but we've got the Sky engineers coming.
I don't really want to give money to the Murdoch empire,
but Marcus wants his cricket, so...
Oh, while I remember...
..we have to think of something to write on the plaque.
It's only another 20 quid, or so.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Doesn't it look like Argos just threw up all over the lawn?
It's more like John Lewis.
Most of these items are Which? Best Buys.
Are you serious?
Also, I didn't want to ruin the moment earlier,
but, erm, your mum is drinking Buck's Fizz
out of my old menstrual moon cup.
So, erm...
Mum, don't drink the Champagne!
MUSIC: Still The One by Ka'au Crater Boys
# We've been together... #
It's my brother in his surgeon's scrubs.
He led his first cataract today.
As of today, every man in my family's a surgeon apart from me.
I think my dad really respects me for that.
She's selling my mum's old StairMaster.
Look. On Cat's Facebook.
That's my pony saddle.
Oh, my God, my moon cup.
Do you know? They literally gutted the house.
I thought we'd been burgled. I called the police.
Why did you do that? Because I thought we'd been burgled.
But why didn't you call me first?
I should be the first person you call in a crisis -
that's my job.
I think you're slightly overreacting. No, no, I'm not.
You didn't call me when you thought you'd been burgled.
You didn't call me when you got suspended from work.
That was compassionate leave.
You won't even let me shift that mattress.
Look, I get it.
You're an independent kick-arse lady and that's a real turn-on for me.
I am your manbassador.
But...every now and again, it would feel nice to know that I'm needed.
Of course I need you.
I love you.
Yum.
Your hair smells so good.
Oh, my God, she's selling my bike!
What a piece of...
Cos I think it's important to be absolutely honest
about our feelings.
Yeah, 100%. We're family, babe.
And I'm not going to beat around the bush here.
I'm just... I'm really going to come out and say it.
Erm, just about the whole sort of selling stuff on eBay sort of thing.
And don't get me wrong, I am all for initiative.
You know, give a man a fish and all that.
But, God, it is cool and ting,
er, but where my grievances sort of circle, I guess, erm...
SHE EXHALES SHARPLY
I'm just really peed off about the bike.
The truth is, Cathy,
I've been trying to raise money for Dad's bench.
Oh, why didn't you tell me?
Oh, God, I feel awful now.
DOORBELL RINGS
Ey up.
Hiya, I've come for the slow cooker. Oh, bad timing.
Can you just wait, mate?
Technically, I'm on shift, so I don't know how long I've got.
Why bother advertising it, then?
Er, listen, Cathy, things haven't been great at Deliveroo since they
brought the driver rater system in and I'm still fighting to clear my
name over the missing naan bread.
How dare they?
Also, erm, I can't actually ride a bike.
Yeah, Dad said he'd teach me,
but he always had to get back to his other home.
It's really not cool of Dad not to give you lessons.
Riding a bike's like a rite of passage,
like pony club camp or LAMDA exams.
Well, you could teach me.
Yeah, I mean, I guess I could.
Really? I'm going to ride a bike?
What? Mum, did you hear that?
I'm going to ride a bike.
I'm free first thing tomorrow morning.
We could do early.
What, like 8:00?
11:30? Er...
KNOCKING AT WINDOW
God, what is this guy's problem?
Sorry, I've got a suspected burst appendix.
Can I get that cooker?
I don't want a strange man in the house -
it would be disrespectful to your father's ghost.
No-one told me that an internet start-up would be
this much bloody hard work.
SIREN WAILS
Well, it's an eBay account.
No, that's how Amazon started.
It's not how Amazon started.
SIREN WAILS SLOW COOKER CLATTERS
Hey, early worm, come back to bed.
I'm really sorry but I've got stuff to do.
Come on, bit of 6 Music, I'll pop to Pat Val for croissants.
We can christen the new mattress.
I'm really sorry,
but I promised my sister I'd teach her how to ride a bike.
She's 28.
Don't. 28 years old and she still doesn't know how to ride a bike.
You know, my dad let her down, so I've got to step up.
Oh, come on, my love.
Look, I'm really sorry.
I made my sister a promise.
Like a promise to spend the weekend unpacking with someone.
Like a promise not to send dick pics to someone.
OK, low blow.
You can't hold that against me forever.
I made a mistake. I apologised. I've changed.
Do you know what? You're punishing me for your dad's behaviour.
Guess I'll just christen the bed on my own then!
Get rid of the mattress!
I'm folding my online empire.
Really? I thought you loved it.
We've made enough money for half the memorial bench,
and a little bit of pocket money,
so I basically hit my career goal in the first week.
Right, I think that's about the right height.
Going to pop the stabilisers on now.
I'm not having stabilisers - I'll look a right dickhead.
Do you want to pop a helmet on?
No, trust me, babe, I'm going bareback.
OK. Yeah.
Ooh!
God, it's very shaky.
OK.
OK, I'm ready.
Oh, wow, what a piece of piss. OK.
No, no, no, no, no! No, no!
DOORBELL RINGS
GURGLING
Hello.
Pat-a-Cake Pat-a-Cake Baker's Man Bake Me a Cake as Fast as You Can.
Stupid username.
It's just that Pat-a-Cake Pat-a-Cake and Pat-a-Cake Pat-a-Cake Baker's Man had both been taken, so...
I'm waffling, aren't I?
I'm here to collect the bike.
Oh.
Did you sort this with my daughter?
Yeah...Mrs Justin Timberlake 1991.
Hang on.
You've reached cat's phone.
Leave a message after the beep. ANSWER PHONE BEEPS
Cat, you need to come back with the bike urgently.
Call me when you get this.
She'll be ten minutes.
She's having one last go on the bike, so...
Can I get you a cup of tea while you're waiting?
I wouldn't say no.
Still or sparkling?
Still?
Proof of address, yeah, mate.
MUSIC: 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton
# Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen
# Pour myself a cup of ambition
# And yawn and stretch and try to come to life
# Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin'
# Out on the street the traffic starts jumpin'
# With folks like me on the job... #
MARCUS STRAINS
Excuse me.
You couldn't help me with this chest of drawers, could you?
Who, me? Yeah.
I could do with a bit of brawn.
Of course, no problem.
# Workin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a livin'
# Barely getting by, it's all takin' and no givin'
# They just use your mind and they never give you credit
# It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it... #
Oh, you made that looked dead easy.
Excuse me, fella, I couldn't borrow you for a minute, could I?
Just to chuck this washing machine.
Pleasure's all mine.
# Would deserve a fat promotion
# Workin' 9 to 5
# What a way to make... #
Lovely boat, that.
That was my late lover's pride and joy -
apart from me and his daughters, and his wife.
He actually passed away recently.
I'm so sorry.
I've been there.
I am there.
I actually lost my wife at the beginning of the year.
Bloody hell.
How are you coping?
Horrible.
Those first few months...
..just horrible.
Claudine.
Claude.
She's French.
Was French.
Sorry.
Oh, she looks incredibly sexy.
HE WHISPERS: Yeah.
Colin, my soul mate, he was incredibly sexy, too.
Yeah, both bagged a couple of hotties there, didn't we?
HE CHUCKLES
Do you want to come in?
Love to.
See, now I know why they say, "It's as easy as riding a bike."
OK, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
OK? Ah.
You're doing really well, right?
But remember how we talked about using the l-...
The l-, l-, l-...
BOTH: Left brake. Exactly, yeah.
Because if you use the right brake,
you're going to go over the handlebars, all right?
OK, I think it's time to spread your wings.
No. I'm going to step away.
No, no. Come back. No, no, no, no. You're fine.
Just keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great.
No, Cathy, hold on to me.
You're absolutely brilliant. Cathy! Keep doing what you're doing. This is shit!
Seriously, this is really shit.
Missed call from my mum.
OK, well... This is so shit.
Right, brilliant.
That's absolutely no way to treat a bike.
MUSIC: Let 'Em In by Paul McCartney
I sent Claudine an e-mail the other day.
We're on this Strictly mailing list and the tour came up on sale,
and I forwarded her the message.
She was really big into Anton du Beke.
Stupid.
Oh.
No judgment from me.
I'm buried alive in Colin's belongings.
I can't get into my downstairs bog because it's full of his duvets.
I just love the smell of it all, you know?
Breaks my heart to think it's just going to fade away.
Look at us two, eh?
Sobbing like a pair of schoolgirls.
PHONE RINGS
Your phone's ringing.
Hm?
The phone, it's ringing.
Oh.
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
It's fine.
Don't hurry. Just take your time, OK?
Don't hurry back. No.
Don't come back yet.
Can we just go and get a Mr Whippy, or something?
No, come on, back on the bike.
No, Cathy, I can't do it.
I look like a right knobhead.
You look like Bradley Wiggins!
Exactly.
Come on, Cat, think of all the bike rides we could do together.
We could cycle to the Dordogne.
All right, if you do this, I will give you...
..a credit note from Uniqlo.
Right, fine.
Brilliant. I'll do it.
OK, let's get it back onto the path.
This one here?
Excuse me, where would a Christmas tree go, please?
Second container on the left.
But if you leave it here, I'll chuck it for you.
HE STRAINS
TV CLATTERS
Oi, you, move your car, or I'll do you for loitering.
And show some respect, mate.
It's a recycle centre, not the beach.
All right, I was just helping this young lady with her television.
I don't give a monkeys, mate. Move your car.
God, can't a guy give back to his community in peace around here?
Move your car or I'll tow it.
All right, jobsworth.
What did you say?
Nothing. God.
Are you OK?!
I just accidentally dropped my glasses.
You couldn't help me fish 'em out, could you?
I asked the man at the entrance but he won't help.
Allow me to be your knight in shining armour.
Thank you.
I'm ever so grateful for this.
Really, it's totally cool.
You're lucky I'm one of the good guys.
Oh, amazing.
Thank you so much.
Here, can you pass me that metal pipe while you're down there?
The copper-coloured one.
What, this old thing?
Yeah.
And that one next to it.
Oi, I've warned you about skip tipping.
Oh.
Hello?
WINCH WHIRRING
Hello?
Do you think your daughter'll be very much longer?
Karen is going to love that bike.
Is that your daughter?
No.
Karen's my wife.
My new wife.
But your old wife's just died.
I know, it's mad, isn't it?
You just don't know when Cupid's going to strike
and I certainly wasn't expecting it at my daughter's 21st birthday -
with her best friend Karen.
Can you excuse me a minute?
Yeah.
Cat, pick up.
Pick up the phone. Where the hell are you?
You can do this, Cat. Yeah. You're doing it.
OK, I'm going to let go and see how far you can go, OK? OK.
Yeah, OK. Right, go. OK.
Oh! Oh, my God! You're doing it! Woo! Cat, you go, girl!
I'm doing it!
I'm so proud of you, Cat! Ride like the wind!
Whoa. Woo!
Careful! Move out the way!
Oh, my God!
Oh, no.
Nice one, twat.
Are you OK? I'm fine.
Oh, my God. What? I'm fine.
Your tooth.
Oh, I'm going to be sick.
Oh, my God. Ah. Oh, my God. Oh, shit.
OK, OK, what should I do? Think, think, think, think, think.
Think. OK, I'm going to call Marcus.
I'm calling Marcus, Cat, OK?
Oh!
Ah.
PHONE VIBRATES
Cathy?
Cathy? Oh, my God, Marcus, it's horrible.
Whoa, whoa, OK, deep breaths, calm down.
Cat, she's knocked her tooth out. There is blood everywhere.
What shall I do? OK, how many teeth are we talking about?
Look at the fricking lump of calcium.
It's one. It's just one.
Get her home and put the tooth in milk, and get her to a dentist.
I ain't got a dentist. What? Why?
I did have one, but he got struck off for faking his qualification.
I haven't got one.
I'll call my dentist.
I'll sort this, Cathy.
I've got this.
OK, thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much. I can't thank you enough.
I love you.
Cathy, wait, wait, are you still there?
Shit!
Did you say that you did have yoghurt in your house?
Oh, Cathy, please. Sorry, OK.
Lucky it didn't happen to me cos obviously I'm dairy intolerant,
so I only have oat milk. Cathy, stop it, please.
Sorry, I'll leave it. Please.
Please.
What's this?
Hi.
I've come to collect the bike.
Oh, thanks.
Well, here's your, er...
Later.
Good day.
Oh, it's made a right mess of her face.
I feel horribly responsible,
but Marcus has managed to wangle
an emergency appointment at the dentist's, so...
Here you are, the eBay money for the memorial bench.
What?
No, obviously I can't take this.
Please...have the money for your tooth.
Oh, my God, like the tooth fairy?
No, to pay for your new tooth.
What about the bench?
Dad would absolutely understand.
My tooth, as a thank you.
MARCUS STRAINS
Hey, babe, where do you want this box?
Oh, just put in the sitting room.
PHONE BEEPS
MARCUS GRUNTS
Ooh, I think I've done my back in.
Ta-da.
What do you think?
Wow. That is fresh.
I've always wanted enamels and now I've got my first.
Here, I've got you something - as a thank you.
Is that our old swing bench?
Yeah. Come on.
I haven't been up here since we scattered Dad's ashes.
See?
I've got a plaque and everything.
I think I'm going to cry.
Sit down.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Champagne.
Don't wipe it. Oh, OK.
It's beautiful up here, innit?
Where do you think he is now?
Dad?
Like, where do you think he's gone to?
What, like heaven?
I don't know.
I think that when you die you go home and everyone's waiting for you,
like your aunties and your uncles and your cousins,
and your grandparents who you've never met cos they've all died
in, like, I don't know, wherever Poldark was.
I used to think that, when you died, that was it - lights out.
I've sort of lost that certainty.
Dad's love can't have just evaporated.
I mean, I can still feel it.
And he's got to be somewhere.
Well, wherever he is, I guarantee it's not where we think he is.
Right...
Come on, get in.
Is that the new iPhone?
Leftover eBay money, I thought I'd treat myself.
God, I love it.
Yeah, I'm not in that at all.
CAMERA FLASH
MUSIC: Seabird by Alessi Brothers
# There's a road I know I must go
# Even though I tell myself
# That road is closed
# Listen lonely seabird
# You've been away from land too long
# Aw, too long. #