ANSWER PHONE BEEPS
Oh, hi, I was just wondering
if I would be able to change the booking for tomorrow night.
Uh, there's going to be five of us dining, not six.
Oh, and can we have a couple of bottles of fizz on the table
for when we arrive?
It's my hen do.
I can't promise it will be sober, but it will be classy.
OK, bye.
RAPID KNOCKING
Woo! Look, willies on the head.
MUSIC: Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by Robert Holmes
# If you like pina coladas
# And getting caught in the rain
# If you're not into yoga... #
What's the plan? Are we meeting the others at the campsite?
It's a glampsite, guys, we're glamping.
Yes, we are picking up my pal Claire from the airport.
She is such a laugh.
Oh, we were in the woodwind section of swing band together.
God, that kid!
Woo! That's it? One school friend?
No! Hardly.
My auntie Dawn's coming.
Your mum didn't cancel cos of us, did she?
No! Absolutely not.
No, she's just not really a hen party kind of lady.
Yeah, not everybody's as laid-back as my mum about playing
name their sex position.
LAID back!
THEY CHUCKLE
Guys, did you get the GoPro link I sent you for Go Ape?
The aerial runway looks insane in the membrane.
Cath, man, I'm going to make sure you have so much fun on your hen do,
you're going to want to die.
Aw, that's kind, uh, but I've got this, guys.
I am excellent at organised fun.
Well, organising.
Dick and mix, anyone? Ooh!
# Yes, I like pina coladas
# And getting caught in the rain
# I'm not much into health food... #
Oh, my God, there she is.
Wow. Gosh, she looks posh, doesn't she?
Wow.
THEY SQUEAL
Hi. Hello there.
Guys, you don't mind if I sit up front, do you?
I get quite carsick unless it's a limo
or, like, a jet ski or something.
No, but, seriously, I have to sit in the front.
Thank you.
Here, why do they call it a jet ski and not a boatorcycle?
Great question.
Claire, this is my sister Cath and her mum Marilyn.
Hi, guys! Sorry, I can't reach.
Mwah. Mwah.
So, who's coming? Lucy, Millie and Ellie?
Uh, sadly, they couldn't come.
I don't actually have a number for Lucy any more.
OK. Cool.
I'm just going to set up a WhatsApp group quickly. Ooh!
Cathy says you've come all the way from Dubai for this hen.
Yep. Kinda.
I came back to renew my visa, and the flights were cheaper
if I flew back on Monday, so here I am!
Oh, see, Millie wants to know if the Marcus you're marrying is
the same Marcus who used to sniff his watch strap in history. Oh!
Oh, God. No, no, OK.
It's another Marcus. My Marcus is a doctor.
And he wears a Withings fitness tracker.
We thought OC was going to be a lesbian
because she didn't kiss anyone until the leavers' ball,
and then she got off with our head of maths.
OK, right, nice try.
There was nothing sordid about it. We didn't get off.
It was just...
..one goodbye slow dance after a great year of maths.
Here, why do you call her OC?
Oh, back in the day, there were two Catherines in our class,
so we'd call OC here Other Cathy,
and we'd call our friend PC, as in Pretty Cathy.
I thought PC stood for Primary Cathy.
Sure, it had multiple meanings.
Oh.
So, here we are at the campsite.
Ah, that looks like Auntie Dawn's car there.
Ease in here.
Woo! Bloody hell!
What time do you call this?
SHE LAUGHS
Oh, I'm so sorry we're late.
Sorry! I didn't factor in Cat's two extra loo stops.
Cat!
Oh! You must be Marilyn.
Yep, we met briefly at Colin's funeral.
You all right, Auntie Dawn? Yeah!
Oh, and this is my friend Claire. We were at St Catharine's together.
Hi. Oh! Double kisses, very exotic.
Oh! Right, right.
Oh! Who brought this? Naughty!
Actually, do you know what? Why don't we leave that in the car?
Because there's probably not room for it in the tent.
You've got to be kidding. It's like a bloody marquee.
I keep thinking I'm back in girl guides.
Oggy, oggy, oggy! Oi, oi, oi!
# On top of Old Smoky All covered in cheese... #
Is she always this enthusiastic? No, this is her warming up.
Oh! Hi, Marilyn.
Someone's a keeny beanie.
SHE LAUGHS
Come on, let's unload the car. DEEP VOICE: All right.
Give me something heavy.
You can bunk up next to me if you like, Marilyn.
Oh, ta.
I haven't shared a bed with anyone since Colin died.
Oh... Oh, poor you.
Apart from the fact he cheated on my sister for three decades
and didn't leave a will, I always thought he was top notch.
I dream about him all the time.
He always appears in the different forms.
He was a bulldog last night, and Simon Cowell the night before.
He's always coming to tell me something,
but I wake up before he speaks.
I had a dream once that I was in the queue at HMV.
I often think about that dream.
What did I buy? What does it mean?
Why weren't there more cashiers?
SHE SIGHS
Right, that's the welly rack done.
Oh, God, this is great.
SHE INHALES DEEPLY
Ah, you can really taste how clean the air is, can't you? So crisp.
Crisp? I'll have some crisps. Do you know what?
I have a nagging feeling I might have pulled off the perfect hen do.
CORK POPS, WOMEN CHEER
To the wildest hens in the forest! ALL: Woo!
Right, if you'll excuse me,
that recycling station isn't going to fashion itself.
I'm just fascinated...
SHE COUGHS
..by the logistics.
I mean, was he...? Did he stay over often?
It was more of an afternoon delight thing.
Usually about 4.30.
I only have to hear the theme tune to A Place In The Sun,
and I'm good to go.
I'm more of a post-bath person myself.
Ideally after a light supper, broth or...or a toastie.
Right, there are two separate bags, one for recycling
and one for general waste, round the back of the tent.
What's the sitch with the phone reception?
Oh, there isn't any, but I do have some on-site walkie-talkies.
I'm not going to insist on radio etiquette,
but if you can say "over" when you're done, it just really helps.
Love it. Over.
Also, I've got some name badges. A bit of an icebreaker.
Cat, do you want to be the scribe?
And...itinerary.
There we go.
Oh, there's an I in it.
There you go, Claire with an I, from Dubai.
So, in half an hour, we'll go down to the paddock for the barbecue.
Oh, and remember to bring your cameras, guys,
cos it's going to be a fantastic sunset.
Oh, I'll be staying in the tent - my condition.
Do you want us to bring you back something from the barbecue, love?
No, you're all right. I overdid it on the dick and mix.
OK, I'm going to go to the lav block and fill up the water bag,
and then we will mosey on down to dinner.
God, I love me some camping!
AUNTIE DAWN LAUGHS
In Dubai, the hotels do this thing called bottomless brunch
where you can get, like, every food you can imagine.
Oh, do they do Pop-Tarts?
No. But they do have a waffle-making station.
Do they do Wagon Wheels?
No. But there's, like, fresh watermelon...
Oh, do they do Peperamis?
No. Do they do Babybels?
No!
Well, yeah, actually, they do do Babybels.
And all the Prosecco you can physically drink.
All we do is, like, eat and booze and sunbathe. It's...
It's amazing.
It's not as fun as swing band, though, eh?
Were you in the swing band?
You know I was. I... I played the tenor sax.
I did the solo in the harbour shuffle.
I'm just going to get a...
Disgusting.
Oh, do you not want any meat? No, I don't do that stuff. Oh, OK.
No, I'm vegan, sort of. Oh, my God.
Yeah. I just... Oh, you should have told me.
Yay! We love you!
That's not enough for your dinner, Claire.
Do you want a bit of my chicken?
No, I'm OK. I've got too much chicken.
Who else wants a bit of my chicken? Hm? Cathy?
Oh, no, thanks. Cat? No. Do you want a bit of my chicken?
Who wants chicken? Go on! Anybody?
Chicken! Come on!
No?
No? OK. You sure? Chicken, hm?
OK, more for me.
OTHER HEN DO: Woo! WOMAN: I can't believe I hit her!
Oh, my God, shit, I'm so sorry. Did that hit you?
Yeah, but I'm fine, it's no biggie. No, here.
OK. Oh, my God, have this as a soz. Thanks, that's sweet.
Wicked hoodie, by the way.
Oh. Oh, it's my fiance's. It's, um... It's Jack Wills.
Love Jack Wills. We just got a Jack Wills in Abu Dhabi.
Oh, wow, are you from the UAE? Yeah.
OK, random question - do you know Jenny Capri?
Shut the front door! She goes out with my mate Carl.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, that's mad.
Wow. Um, well, I'll leave you to...
Hen do. My sister's hen do.
Oh, wow. Massive congrats. Oh, thank you. And when are you...?
Yeah, all right. Bye. Aw.
She took it so well. She was so nice!
AUNTIE DAWN: This chicken is...
Really interesting fizz to it.
Cat? Can you chuck that somewhere?
Oh, this is great, isn't it?
You can't beat this for a hen do.
WOMAN: OK, OK, next question.
Where's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
Come on! We know the answer!
INDISTINCT
LAUGHTER
Right, right, let's play a game. Oh, no, I'm fine, actually.
Cathy, truth or dare.
SHE SIGHS
Truth.
OK, let's start easy. What do you love most about Marcus?
You've got to tell the truth, no lies. God...
I...
I guess he introduced me to harissa paste.
Is that a sex thing?
No, it's a North African marinade.
Is anyone else feeling a bit funny?
Uh-oh! Menopause alert!
No, just joking. Probably just indigestion, wolfing down my supper.
Delish.
I'm going to go for a walk, see if I can get any phone reception.
Oh, do you want to borrow my head torch?
I'll be OK, OC. I'm not 11.
Right, Auntie Dawn, truth or dare?
Truth. OK.
Have you ever had a rainbow shower?
Don't answer that. Huh?
You don't... Yeah, you don't need to know.
STOMACH GURGLES
AUNTIE DAWN GROANS
Oh, did you hear that? Someone's got a rumbly tum.
Do you reckon it was that fizzy chicken? No.
No, Miss Piggy here had too many...
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: ..snags off the barbie.
I hope Claire's all right.
Do you think I should go and look for her?
CHANTING: Claire! Claire! Claire!
Cathy, man, I hate to say this,
but I think Claire with an I from Dubai has jumped ship.
Bloody mosquitoes.
BIRDSONG
Apparently, mosquitoes are attracted to people with high sex hormones.
Oh! AUNTIE DAWN LAUGHS
Lucky Marcus.
I couldn't trouble you...
SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..for a wee dram of water, could I?
Are you feeling better, love? Oh, much.
Yeah, it's just orange bile now, which is really good.
Pure bile means I've got all of that chicken out of my system.
There you go.
Ooh.
Oh, what a treat. Thanks.
The thing that's making me really sick, though, Cathy,
is I'm going to have to miss Go Ape. Oh... OK.
Well, um, still no sign of Claire, so I guess it's just me and Cat.
Oi, oi!
No, absolutely not, no.
Are you serious? It's your hen do, you're supposed to get dressed up.
Look, it's an ape for Go Ape.
I've got four other costumes in the car for the others.
OK, firstly, it's not an ape. It's got a tail, so it's a monkey.
And secondly, I just...
I really, really don't want anything tacky.
All right, geez, it was just a bit of fun. We're having fun!
You don't need to add more fun to it.
It'd be fun overkill. Right?
What are you talking about, too much fun?
I spent my childhood not having enough fun.
Come on, Cath, man, it's your frigging hen do!
CATHY SIGHS SHARPLY Fine.
Brilliant! I'm going to get my camera.
Ooh. Oh. Right. Ooh.
Um... Right. Uh...
Oh, bums! Battery's died.
Oh, not to worry.
I'll take a picture with my eyes.
Make a memory and keep it on my own memory stick.
Brilliant.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to shit myself.
Is your fanny all right?
Yes, I have a very pronounced mons pubis.
It's actually very normal.
Uh, right, ladies, if you could just make your way over here...
Oh! Stupid root.
Is this the first thing?
Um, no, this is the training course.
Yours is over there.
Sorry, we just have to wait a minute for my supervisor.
He's assessing me on my safety talks.
Pretend I'm not here, yeah?
Go on.
You are about to take part in a high risk activity.
Following the safety rules and advice greatly reduces that risk.
Failure to follow the rules could result in serious injury... Hey.
Has anyone ever been seriously injured doing this course?
I don't actually know the answer to that one...
No. Stick to the safety briefing.
Just follow the instructions. You'll be fine.
Sorry, it's my first week.
"Failure to follow the rules could result in serious..." Oh! Oh, yeah.
Or fatal injury.
OK, does anyone know what happens
if you get stuck on a rope walk or zip line?
Yep, yep, me. Uh, I read about it on the website.
Uh, you call for assistance, and if no-one comes,
you blow the whistle on your harness.
Correct. And what should you have clipped at all times? Yep. Me again.
Uh, a karabiner. Two out of two.
Do I get a prize, or...? Does she? No.
OK, let's go ape! Woo!
So we ended up doing two days at this amazing B&B
which actually took dogs.
I say that because, a couple of days before,
I randomly said to Helen,
"You have checked they allow dogs?" and she hadn't,
so I phoned the owner.
They actually had a chocolate lab of their own,
so they were fine about it.
Oh, God.
SHE VOMITS
She's ten, which is actually old for a cocker,
but she's got so much energy... Ugh.
..you'd think she was a puppy.
It does mean you have to stop off more often
to let her have a pee and a poo.
God, this is fun. Isn't this fun?
Yeah, yeah, so much fun,
but I think I'm going to head for the floor, if that's OK? What?
I'm going to get down. I can't really hear you.
To be honest, I'm just going to plough on.
I want to do another loop before we get down.
SHE MOANS
Which meant that Helen was able to lift Mitts into the bath
without getting too much fox turd on her jumper.
Great visit. Much to recommend.
So, yeah, that's what I wrote on their TripAdvisor review.
I'm just going to nip outside for a minute.
Ah, good for you, Marilyn.
Make the most of the glorious setting.
I think it was for the best. I was holding everyone up.
Sure, whatever.
And, you know, from down here, I can cheer you on. You know - Go, Cat!
Go, Cat!
Yeah, I just need to concentrate.
The hoops are actually the hardest part of the course.
You're not annoyed at me for bottling it, are you?
No, no, I'm just psyching myself up for the big one. Oh, yeah, sure.
Go on, carry on.
Three, two, one.
You know, when we get back, I've got some really fun games.
I've made a list.
Penis Pong, Porno-nopoly,
and Pin The Penis On The Donkey.
Oh! Oh! Oh, my God, help me!
Oh, my God, are you...are you OK, Cathy?
Oh, my leg... My leg is stuck. I can't move!
Do you want me to call your man, Jay? Please don't leave me!
Blow your whistle!
Yes, I was at the safety briefing, I was literally about to do that.
Oi, ape, you want a banana?
Shut up, you dickhead, she's a monkey.
WHISTLE
4.30?
Colin?
Col.
# You're looking kinda lonely, girl
# Would you like someone new to talk to?
# Ah, yeah, all right
# I'm feeling kinda lonely too if you don't mind... #
There's no way we're going to make our dinner reservation now.
It's a 45-minute walk.
And it's just started spitting.
I bet there'll be a chippy in the village we drove through.
That wasn't the plan, Cat.
So? This is your bachelorette party, your last stab at freedom.
Balls to plans. Let's just see where the night takes us.
Let's be free-range hens.
If you'd stuck to the itinerary,
and not insisted I wear this stupid monkey costume,
I wouldn't have got stuck.
Why are you laughing? Because it's funny.
It's hilarious, Cath.
I can't wait to get back to the tent and tell the others. Tell them what?
That you ruined my hen do?
That I was hanging from a wire for an hour
like Boris bloody Johnson
because you insisted I wear this stupid costume?
Hang on, hang on, no, I didn't ruin anything.
That was out of my control. Shit happens, accidents happen.
But you know what? You got a great story out of it.
Why can't you just admit that things are crap?
Because it's not all crap. Like, there's always a positive.
Like, I don't know... Like, here's one.
So, dad had an affair, not great,
but because of it, you got a sister, you got me.
So you know what? Chin up.
I just wanted to have a classy, edifying hen party.
Are you Catherine Walcott? BOTH: Yes.
Oh, sorry. Sorry, this is Cathy.
I have reason to believe there's a forest fire heading your way,
so prepare to get very, very hot.
# Freak me baby Ah, yeah
# Freak me, baby
# Let me lick you up and down
# Till you say stop
# Let me play with your body, baby
# Make you real hot
# Let me do all the things you want me to do... #
Oh, my God, Cathy, look.
Ah!
# Cos tonight, baby, I want to get freaky with you
# Let me lick you up and down... # Ooh, yeah.
# Till you say stop... #
Ooh, yeah!
# Let me play with your body, baby,
# Make your real hot
# Let me do all the things you want me to do... #
Oh.
Cheers, mate. Ladies, have a good night, yeah?
Nice one, bruv.
# I wanna get freaky with you... #
RAIN PATTERS, ZIP WHIZZES
Oh, hello.
Nice weather for ducks.
AUNTIE DAWN CHUCKLES
So, how was Go Ape?
I can honestly say I feel physically and spiritually lighter.
A bit peckish now. Apart from that, hunky-dory.
Well, we've completely missed our reservation for supper,
and there's no way I'm driving round
trying to find a shop in this weather. Right, that's...
Yeah, all right. Hang on. Where's me mum?
Mum!
Marilyn! Yoo-hoo!
Mum! Marilyn!
Mum!
Oh, don't worry, darling, we'll find your mum.
This is bullshit.
I've lost me mum in the jungle,
Cathy says that I've ruined her hen do.
I just wanted it to be a laugh, and now it's just dead shit.
Oh, don't worry about Cathy. That's what sisters are like.
Me and Tess used to fight like cats. She did some awful things.
She put nettles in my sleeping bag,
and another time she paid a cousin to hit me in the tit with a skittle,
but I still love her to death.
Well, it's complicated, you know, this family lark, innit?
I'm just used to being an only child.
Mum!
Marilyn!
Yoo-hoo! Mari...!
Oh, God.
Oh, a moth went in my mouth.
A moth went in my mouth!
I've swallowed it. Yup.
I've swallowed a moth.
AUNTIE DAWN EXHALES SHARPLY
Oh, well.
I needed a snack, eh?
Right, listen, I'm going to go back to the tent and have a look.
Marilyn!
THUNDER RUMBLES
Marilyn!
Please be OK.
I honestly feel like I've known you my whole life.
I bet we were at so many of the same 21sts, and we didn't even realise.
Right, you, Claire with an I from Dubai, have you seen me mum?
Um, no, isn't she in your tent?
No, OUR tent, and she's gone missing, right.
So first, this is what's going to happen -
you're going to get out into the rain
and you're going to come help find me mum.
Then you're going to get back into the tent
and you're going to drink Bellinis until Cathy passes out
or I swear to God I will drag you to the woods
and I'll feed you to the badgers.
OK, you can't just come in here and speak to my friend... Claire.
Claire... Shut up, you la-di-da dipshit.
THEY ALL GASP
You with that box of wine.
Marilyn!
Marilyn?
MARILYN SOBS AND SNIFFLES
Marilyn.
I saw your dad.
I mean, it wasn't Colin. It was a deer, but it was Colin.
It was just like in my dreams, but he ran away before we could talk.
He looked beautiful, Cathy.
He looked majestic.
Guys, I found Marilyn.
We're heading back to the tent. Over.
Come on, Marilyn, let's go.
Oh, at least that saves me having to have a shower!
Oh, tell me if this is TMI, but I am soaked through to the knickers.
Hm, me too.
And not in a good way.
LAUGHTER
Claire, have you got any warm gear in your suitcase we could borrow?
I live in Dubai.
Right, hang on, I'll sort it.
MARILYN: Who's up for some more penis pasta?
LAUGHTER
Ding, ding, ding.
Is this thing on?
Jokes. Um...
I just wanted to say thank you so much to Cat
for rustling up the penis pasta and sex pesto
and going above and beyond as my maid of honour.
A toast to Cathy and Marcus.
May they have a long and love-filled marriage.
And to sisters.
Sisters.
To sisters. Cheers.
Actually, is there any more of this?
This has got to be the best penis I've ever eaten.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
BIRDSONG
Thanks for coming, Auntie Dawn. Thanks for coming, Auntie Dawn.
See you at the wedding, I suppose. Exciting!
Farewell!
Bye!
Oh, my God, babe, it's just been amazing. Come here.
Oh, it was so good to meet you. Guys, group hug! Group hug!
Mwah. Kiss. Mwah.
CATHY SIGHS AND HONKS HORN
Claire! We're going!
Claire!
You know what?
Right. Let them take her back to Dubai.
OK, everybody in.
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
Bon voyage. I'm going to miss it.
Are you? I don't think I am. I had a wicked time.
I cannot wait to have a shower. I'm looking forward to my own bed.
Yeah. Yeah, and a nice cup of tea.
LOUD THUD
Oh! Oh, my God!
Oh, I think I just hit a deer.
Colin?
# Somewhere, someone special just for me
# Somewhere, someone special must be
# Somewhere, someone special just for me
# Somewhere, someone
# Somewhere, someone special must be
# Somebody made for me
# Somebody made for you
# Somebody made for me... #