1
00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:04,003
This programme contains
some strong language.

2
00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:06,843
Right. I have bleached the loo, I've
gone over the Nest login with Mum,

3
00:00:06,843 --> 00:00:10,283
I've emptied the bathroom bins,
and I have done a pee.

4
00:00:10,283 --> 00:00:14,643
Oh, and you'll need to hand-wash
that cup.  Yes, I will... Wow!

5
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:19,123
Schwing!  Please don't schwing me,
Marcus!

6
00:00:19,123 --> 00:00:22,243
It's objectifying
and it makes me feel old.  Sorry.

7
00:00:22,243 --> 00:00:28,403
I was just schwinging you
entirely in the spirit of
empowerment and respect.

8
00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:31,683
I'm sorry. Pre-wedding nerves.
Right.

9
00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:37,083
Ms Walcott, are you ready
for your last drinks partay
as a single laday?

10
00:00:37,083 --> 00:00:38,523
Yeah. I guess.

11
00:00:39,803 --> 00:00:41,843
Right, have you got the car keys?
Yep.

12
00:00:41,843 --> 00:00:42,883
Here you go.

13
00:00:44,563 --> 00:00:46,323
Shit balls!

14
00:00:48,683 --> 00:00:50,443
Sorry.

15
00:00:50,443 --> 00:00:53,043
# Dreamer

16
00:00:53,043 --> 00:00:54,843
# You know you are a dreamer

17
00:00:56,163 --> 00:00:58,483
# Well, can you
put your hands in your head? #

18
00:01:03,483 --> 00:01:06,523
Ambassador, with these, um...

19
00:01:06,523 --> 00:01:09,323
They're grape,
chutney and Brie crostini.

20
00:01:09,323 --> 00:01:12,963
With these Brie, chutney
and grape...  I get it, Dawn.

21
00:01:12,963 --> 00:01:15,283
..grape crostini...
Yes, you don't have to finish.

22
00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:19,163
..you are really spoiling us!
Hats off! Big time!

23
00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:22,203
Some more of this cava?
It's champagne.

24
00:01:22,203 --> 00:01:24,763
Make sure people know that,
and don't drink all of it!

25
00:01:24,763 --> 00:01:27,163
I want there to be some left
when Marcus' parents...

26
00:01:27,163 --> 00:01:28,883
Oh, speak of the devil!

27
00:01:29,963 --> 00:01:31,883
Shray, Mishti! Welcome, welcome.

28
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,523
Mwah, mwah.

29
00:01:33,523 --> 00:01:34,563
I'm sorry we're late.

30
00:01:34,563 --> 00:01:37,483
I had to perform an emergency DRC,
and it rather dragged on.

31
00:01:37,483 --> 00:01:41,043
I don't know what that is but,
boy, do I like the sound of it!

32
00:01:41,043 --> 00:01:46,403
It's re-plumbing a tear duct.
Hello, I'm Dawn. I'm Tess' sister.

33
00:01:46,403 --> 00:01:51,203
It is an honour to meet you,
Dr Tandell.

34
00:01:51,203 --> 00:01:56,043
Please, call me Mr.  Oh, don't
be so modest!  No, I'm a surgeon.

35
00:01:56,043 --> 00:01:59,643
The correct title is Mr.
It's a common mistake.

36
00:01:59,643 --> 00:02:03,163
It's Mr.  Well, I think
I deserve a drink.

37
00:02:03,163 --> 00:02:04,923
Get me a glass, would you, darling?

38
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:13,043
So, I'm waiting with bated breath,
Mr Shray! How did the op go?

39
00:02:13,043 --> 00:02:14,563
Well, let's just say,

40
00:02:14,563 --> 00:02:18,603
when he came around,
he wept tears of joy from both eyes.

41
00:02:18,603 --> 00:02:21,043
Oh!  Excuse me.

42
00:02:28,963 --> 00:02:30,723
You've got lipstick on your teeth.

43
00:02:38,443 --> 00:02:39,483
Hi!

44
00:02:42,483 --> 00:02:45,483
Right. Let's get you set up.
You hungry?  Mm-hm.

45
00:02:45,483 --> 00:02:49,163
Do you want to watch some telly
on me phone?  Mm.  Oh, no, I can't.

46
00:02:49,163 --> 00:02:52,723
I'm on maid of honour duty.
I've got to be on it like a bonnet.

47
00:02:52,723 --> 00:02:57,243
What's this, cheese on toast?  Kind
of, yeah.  I'll save it for later.

48
00:03:05,363 --> 00:03:09,003
It's about sort of four
inches across, two inches wide...

49
00:03:09,003 --> 00:03:13,603
Oh, no, thanks. Keto diet.  Oh, these
are for milady and for the bride.

50
00:03:13,603 --> 00:03:15,963
I was just picking Mr Shippen's
brains about the...

51
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:20,443
If you call me Mr Shippen again,
I'm going to put you in detention!

52
00:03:20,443 --> 00:03:25,283
Sorry! I was just picking Sir's
brains about the wall scuff.

53
00:03:25,283 --> 00:03:28,443
What you stressing about a scuff on
the wall for? It's your wedding eve!

54
00:03:28,443 --> 00:03:32,603
It's annoying! I've tried putty
rubber, a damp cloth, Vanish.

55
00:03:32,603 --> 00:03:36,803
Someone told me to spit on it with
vinegar.  Have you tried a baby wipe?

56
00:03:36,803 --> 00:03:38,923
I don't use baby wipes
cos of the fatbergs.

57
00:03:40,723 --> 00:03:45,403
Do you know anyone who's actually
seen a fatberg with their own eyes,

58
00:03:45,403 --> 00:03:48,323
or did you just
read about it in The Guardian?

59
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:52,923
Don't shoot the messenger. Nige!

60
00:03:55,523 --> 00:03:56,563
Unbelievable!

61
00:03:56,563 --> 00:03:59,523
How can he be a geography teacher
and a fatberg denier?

62
00:03:59,523 --> 00:04:03,883
I thought he was one of the
good guys. Bet he voted Leave!

63
00:04:03,883 --> 00:04:04,923
Leave what?

64
00:04:06,043 --> 00:04:10,043
So sorry, but do these have
dairy in them?  Oh, bollocks!

65
00:04:24,403 --> 00:04:29,643
Do you need a top-up?  Oh, thanks.
God, this is hellish!

66
00:04:29,643 --> 00:04:32,123
You're a saint, you know,
waiting on these awful people.

67
00:04:32,123 --> 00:04:33,803
Oh!

68
00:04:33,803 --> 00:04:38,563
I don't work here. I'm a guest.  Oh,
God, I'm so sorry!  No, not at all.

69
00:04:40,603 --> 00:04:43,483
I don't want to be here either.
Who made you come?

70
00:04:45,283 --> 00:04:48,723
I'm the mother of the groom.
Oh.  You?  Oh...

71
00:04:49,763 --> 00:04:53,643
I made love to Cathy's
father for three glorious decades.

72
00:04:55,123 --> 00:04:56,163
Mm.

73
00:04:57,563 --> 00:04:59,883
And that is why you should
never trust your GP.

74
00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:02,843
Sorry, ladies.

75
00:05:02,843 --> 00:05:05,283
Would I be able to steal the
groom for a second, please?

76
00:05:05,283 --> 00:05:07,723
Thank you. Bit of an odd one,

77
00:05:07,723 --> 00:05:10,443
but that scuff on the wall
is really bothering me,

78
00:05:10,443 --> 00:05:13,523
and I was just wondering whether
you could nip me to the DIY store,

79
00:05:13,523 --> 00:05:16,443
and then I could just get it
out of my mind before we go away?

80
00:05:16,443 --> 00:05:19,883
God, Cathy! I...
Hi! Hi, lovely to see you!

81
00:05:19,883 --> 00:05:22,643
It would just really
put my mind at rest.  Um, look.

82
00:05:22,643 --> 00:05:25,083
I'm on my third glass of fizz...
Please, Marcus!

83
00:05:26,123 --> 00:05:29,163
I don't get it.
It's just a stupid scuff.

84
00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:34,203
Let's just enjoy ourselves, hm?
Yeah. You're completely right.  OK?

85
00:05:34,203 --> 00:05:35,243
Yeah, of course.

86
00:05:38,803 --> 00:05:41,723
Hey! Save it for the wedding night!
Shut up, Rupert!

87
00:05:45,123 --> 00:05:46,163
Oh, come here!

88
00:05:48,883 --> 00:05:49,923
Like that.

89
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:59,963
You know it's staff only back here?
Maid of honour - access all areas.

90
00:05:59,963 --> 00:06:04,323
Yeah? All areas?  All areas.

91
00:06:07,123 --> 00:06:09,323
Oh! Great job, guys.

92
00:06:09,323 --> 00:06:11,403
Just to let you know that
the mini cheeses on toast

93
00:06:11,403 --> 00:06:14,203
were absolutely disgusting!

94
00:06:14,203 --> 00:06:16,883
But, otherwise, you're nailing it.

95
00:06:25,363 --> 00:06:27,043
You, Cat!

96
00:06:28,483 --> 00:06:31,243
Do you see that girl over there,
by the cellist, yeah?

97
00:06:31,243 --> 00:06:33,883
That is Verity Longworth,
and she's a pilot.

98
00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:39,883
Verity was due to be maid of honour
until you tipped up on the scene.

99
00:06:39,883 --> 00:06:45,083
I mean, I am Cathy's sister.  No!
Half-sister. You are only a half.

100
00:06:45,083 --> 00:06:46,963
That's still 50%
more than the pilot.

101
00:06:48,563 --> 00:06:51,843
If anything goes wrong -
anything - I will blame you.

102
00:06:53,003 --> 00:06:54,243
All right, cava breath!

103
00:06:55,563 --> 00:06:56,603
It's champagne!

104
00:06:57,643 --> 00:07:01,203
And if you know your history,
said the geography teacher,

105
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:03,603
you'd realise that all of
this is just cyclical

106
00:07:03,603 --> 00:07:06,643
and there's irrefutable scientific
evidence to support it,

107
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,323
and you can quote me on that.

108
00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:18,043
Better not be sending dick pics.

109
00:07:20,003 --> 00:07:23,043
I'm messing, mate.  Oh, yeah!
Ha-ha! No, no, no.

110
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:26,123
I'm just checking in on the BA
app for our flights tomorrow

111
00:07:26,123 --> 00:07:27,323
after the wedding.  OK, cool.

112
00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:29,203
Well, I can't piss about
cos I'm on duty,

113
00:07:29,203 --> 00:07:33,083
but I just wanted to give you your
wedding present.  Oh! Oh, how kind!

114
00:07:33,083 --> 00:07:36,323
We actually had a John Lewis
wedding list, so... Oh!

115
00:07:38,163 --> 00:07:41,523
My sister loves you and, because
of the ancient code of sisterhood,

116
00:07:41,523 --> 00:07:47,403
I must, on this, your wedding eve,
extendeth my love to ye.

117
00:07:47,403 --> 00:07:50,563
Two Cathys for the price of one!
I don't mind if I do!

118
00:07:50,563 --> 00:07:51,923
Don't cheapen the moment.

119
00:07:54,283 --> 00:07:57,403
No, but, seriously, treat her
like a princess, or I will post to

120
00:07:57,403 --> 00:08:01,203
all the local forums that you send
dick pics to your receptionist.

121
00:08:02,843 --> 00:08:04,083
Have a nice night, Marcus.

122
00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:05,123
OK.

123
00:08:14,083 --> 00:08:15,883
SHE GASPS

124
00:08:15,883 --> 00:08:18,283
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

125
00:08:18,283 --> 00:08:20,203
TOILET FLUSHES

126
00:08:21,883 --> 00:08:28,003
I locked it. Did you see anything?
No, nothing, I swear, nothing.  OK.

127
00:08:28,003 --> 00:08:30,963
To be honest, I was just
looking for somewhere to lay low.

128
00:08:30,963 --> 00:08:33,883
I feel like a spare prick
at an orgy out there.

129
00:08:33,883 --> 00:08:35,363
That's one way of putting it!

130
00:08:37,123 --> 00:08:40,163
Do you fancy joining me
in the party bunker?

131
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,443
Maybe just the one, huh?  Bottoms up!

132
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,923
Or, as Colin used to say,
up your bottom!

133
00:08:52,963 --> 00:08:56,323
Mm! Oh, I love it
when it goes up your nose!

134
00:09:00,963 --> 00:09:05,963
Hi! Oh, enjoying the nuts - great!
Cheers! Hey, hey!

135
00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:07,803
How much have you had to drink?
Nothing, why?

136
00:09:07,803 --> 00:09:11,603
Who said I've been drinking?  Huh?
No, can you drive me to a DIY store?

137
00:09:11,603 --> 00:09:12,923
There's still a free bar, babe!

138
00:09:12,923 --> 00:09:15,763
Nobody leaves until the free bar
ends, then everyone leaves at once.

139
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:19,803
You know, I am possessed by that
scuff! It's eating away at my brain!

140
00:09:19,803 --> 00:09:23,283
And if I don't fix it tonight, then
it'll ruin my honeymoon. Please!

141
00:09:23,283 --> 00:09:26,603
We'll be there and back in
20 minutes.  Fine.  Come on!

142
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:39,843
A trolley for one tin of paint?  You
never know what you're going to get!

143
00:09:39,843 --> 00:09:45,883
Oh! Those boxes are...  Oh, shit!
Keep walking.  Well, well, well!

144
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,923
If it isn't Cat Wall Cock!

145
00:09:50,403 --> 00:09:52,403
Never got called that at school?

146
00:09:52,403 --> 00:09:55,203
Well, in a netball tournament once,
someone called me Wall Clot.

147
00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:59,603
Oi, dickhead!
I'm livestreaming you. Who's this?

148
00:09:59,603 --> 00:10:03,123
Your carer? Oh, sorry -
your mad mum's carer.

149
00:10:03,123 --> 00:10:04,203
SHE GIGGLES

150
00:10:05,643 --> 00:10:08,803
Let's just go and get your stupid
paint and go back to the party.

151
00:10:13,883 --> 00:10:17,083
Oh, that is ridiculously good value
for Dulux.

152
00:10:18,523 --> 00:10:20,723
OVER TANNOY:  The store will be
closing in ten minutes.

153
00:10:20,723 --> 00:10:23,563
Could all customers please make
your way to the tills?

154
00:10:23,563 --> 00:10:26,443
Except for the slag in Aisle Nine
who should make HER way

155
00:10:26,443 --> 00:10:29,403
to the jet washers, cos her
fanny stinks.

156
00:10:29,403 --> 00:10:30,843
SHE GIGGLES ON TANNOY

157
00:10:30,843 --> 00:10:32,763
God's sake.

158
00:10:32,763 --> 00:10:34,603
Got this 24/7 at school.

159
00:10:34,603 --> 00:10:36,403
Why didn't someone say something?

160
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:37,683
Snitches get stitches.

161
00:10:39,243 --> 00:10:40,843
And besides, Mum was housebound

162
00:10:40,843 --> 00:10:43,043
and Dad wouldn't be seen in
public with me.

163
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,363
Come on, let's just go.

164
00:11:00,363 --> 00:11:01,483
You all right?  Yeah.

165
00:11:11,323 --> 00:11:13,323
I'm just going to take
the trolley back.

166
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:24,523
Yo! Melanie, hi.

167
00:11:24,523 --> 00:11:29,203
Uh, quick question - are you aware
of the TV show Secret Millionaire?

168
00:11:29,203 --> 00:11:30,843
Yeah. Why?

169
00:11:30,843 --> 00:11:34,963
Great. Well, you see Catherine
Walcott out there? Yeah?

170
00:11:34,963 --> 00:11:38,683
Well, she has just inherited
this entire empire

171
00:11:38,683 --> 00:11:42,923
from a childless uncle, and she was
about to give you a cheque

172
00:11:42,923 --> 00:11:46,723
for £22,000.

173
00:11:46,723 --> 00:11:49,123
But because of what you did back
there, well...

174
00:11:49,123 --> 00:11:51,523
SHE CHUCKLES

175
00:11:49,123 --> 00:11:51,523
..you blew it.

176
00:11:51,523 --> 00:11:53,843
So, joke's on you.

177
00:11:54,883 --> 00:11:58,763
Cat Walcott is a mad fantasist who
pretended her dad was

178
00:11:58,763 --> 00:12:01,843
a roadie for Nickelback rather than
admit he'd done a runner.

179
00:12:03,043 --> 00:12:06,883
Now, can you leave the store,
please? We're closing soon.

180
00:12:06,883 --> 00:12:09,483
You want to get a takeaway tonight?
Yeah, why not, eh?

181
00:12:09,483 --> 00:12:11,043
Maybe Wall Cock will deliver it.

182
00:12:11,043 --> 00:12:12,323
THEY LAUGH

183
00:12:14,603 --> 00:12:19,403
Nobody calls my sister Wall Cock,
you messy, messy bitch!

184
00:12:25,563 --> 00:12:27,483
THEY GIGGLE

185
00:12:25,563 --> 00:12:27,483
Oh, my God!

186
00:12:27,483 --> 00:12:30,483
Quick!  Shit.  Oh, my God.

187
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:31,763
Quick.  Come on.

188
00:12:33,803 --> 00:12:34,923
You're barred!

189
00:12:37,843 --> 00:12:39,123
THEY LAUGH

190
00:12:39,123 --> 00:12:41,043
Oh, my God, I can't believe
I did that.

191
00:12:41,043 --> 00:12:43,643
Oh, shit. Do you think they got it
on CCTV?

192
00:12:43,643 --> 00:12:45,723
God, yes, I hope so.

193
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:47,203
God, seriously, cheers, Cath.

194
00:12:47,203 --> 00:12:50,443
You know, I've wanted to do that
since I was 11.

195
00:12:50,443 --> 00:12:52,763
MESSAGE ALERT

196
00:12:50,443 --> 00:12:52,763
Oh, is that my mum?  Oh...

197
00:12:54,883 --> 00:12:57,163
Hot waiter. Oh, is it a dick pic?

198
00:12:57,163 --> 00:12:58,883
I really don't want to see a penis.

199
00:12:58,883 --> 00:13:02,203
Yeah, I bet you're sick of them
after what Marcus did.

200
00:13:02,203 --> 00:13:05,363
How do you know about that?
Why didn't you say something?

201
00:13:05,363 --> 00:13:07,123
Why didn't you say something to me?

202
00:13:08,323 --> 00:13:10,723
I mean, he's changed.

203
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,243
He really is a good man.

204
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,283
You know, what can you do?

205
00:13:19,403 --> 00:13:21,283
THEY LAUGH

206
00:13:21,283 --> 00:13:24,003
Do you think they've even noticed
we're missing?  Hmm.

207
00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:26,483
I bet that Tess is still up
Shray's arse, eh?

208
00:13:26,483 --> 00:13:30,003
Am I being paranoid, but do you
think she doesn't like me?

209
00:13:30,003 --> 00:13:32,443
Ooh!

210
00:13:30,003 --> 00:13:32,443
THEY CHUCKLE HEARTILY

211
00:13:32,443 --> 00:13:34,843
Yeah, I can see why she might be
a bit off with you.

212
00:13:34,843 --> 00:13:37,403
You're goddamn gorgeous, you're fun

213
00:13:37,403 --> 00:13:39,843
and you're your own woman.

214
00:13:37,403 --> 00:13:39,843
GLASSES CLINK

215
00:13:39,843 --> 00:13:43,043
Not because I've been shagging her
husband for a year.  Hmm!

216
00:13:43,043 --> 00:13:45,123
SHE CACKLES

217
00:13:47,403 --> 00:13:51,763
Oh.  Mm.  Aw. Does it get any easier,
the loss?

218
00:13:53,203 --> 00:13:57,563
No. Just think I'm getting
used to the feeling.

219
00:13:59,163 --> 00:14:02,843
Everything feels a little bit
smaller and darker

220
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:04,123
without him, but...

221
00:14:05,483 --> 00:14:07,763
..better to have loved
and lost and...

222
00:14:08,843 --> 00:14:13,003
One in the hand is worth two up
your bush... What...?

223
00:14:13,003 --> 00:14:17,163
Oh, I think you might need another
drink, my love.

224
00:14:19,683 --> 00:14:22,523
Are you serious? You got me all
the way over here for that?

225
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:26,283
Why would you wrap a plastic
sheet in more plastic?

226
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,563
It's probably going to end up
in a dolphin's lung,

227
00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:30,083
do you know what I mean?

228
00:14:30,083 --> 00:14:32,403
I bet Mr Shippen doesn't even
believe in plastic.

229
00:14:32,403 --> 00:14:34,923
He's got enough of it injected
in his face.

230
00:14:34,923 --> 00:14:37,083
SHE SIGHS

231
00:14:34,923 --> 00:14:37,083
Balls!

232
00:14:37,083 --> 00:14:39,123
I must've picked up
the wrong colour.

233
00:14:39,123 --> 00:14:40,723
I wanted Natural Calico,

234
00:14:40,723 --> 00:14:43,883
and this is bloody Mineral Mist.
Great, wicked. Well, just put

235
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,323
the lid back on and you can take it
back after your honeymoon.

236
00:14:46,323 --> 00:14:48,683
Cathy, we really need to get our
skates on,

237
00:14:48,683 --> 00:14:51,203
otherwise we're going to miss
the speeches.

238
00:14:51,203 --> 00:14:53,683
Do you know what? I'm going to have
to paint the whole wall.

239
00:14:53,683 --> 00:14:56,803
Ugh.  I'd rather have a whole blue
wall than think about

240
00:14:56,803 --> 00:14:58,123
that scuff on my honeymoon.

241
00:14:58,123 --> 00:15:01,323
Are you serious?  Come on.
The quicker we get this done,

242
00:15:01,323 --> 00:15:03,603
the quicker we can go back to
the party.  OK.

243
00:15:08,563 --> 00:15:12,163
What? I'm not messing up that dress.
It's from Boohoo.

244
00:15:12,163 --> 00:15:16,723
SHE TAPS GLASS
OK, so, I really just wanted to

245
00:15:16,723 --> 00:15:20,283
welcome you all here to our
little soiree.

246
00:15:20,283 --> 00:15:26,643
And, in particular, Mr Shray Tandell
and his lovely wife Misty.

247
00:15:26,643 --> 00:15:29,483
Did she just call me "Misty"?
THEY GIGGLE

248
00:15:29,483 --> 00:15:32,483
Now, if you don't mind, I am going
to hijack the mic

249
00:15:32,483 --> 00:15:34,123
just for a couple of secs.

250
00:15:34,123 --> 00:15:37,443
Sex. I'd like some sex.

251
00:15:34,123 --> 00:15:37,443
CROWD LAUGHS

252
00:15:37,443 --> 00:15:39,043
Erm, yeah.

253
00:15:39,043 --> 00:15:45,003
So, as many of you know, this past
six months has been

254
00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:48,723
something of a demi-annus horribilis
for us.

255
00:15:48,723 --> 00:15:51,603
And, erm, it is true what they say,

256
00:15:51,603 --> 00:15:55,163
that you really find out who your
friends are when

257
00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:57,243
ca va chier dans le ventilo.

258
00:15:57,243 --> 00:15:58,323
SHE CHUCKLES LIGHTLY

259
00:15:59,403 --> 00:16:03,163
Erm... You'll pardon my French
pronunciation.

260
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:07,483
So, really I just wanted to thank
you all for being

261
00:16:07,483 --> 00:16:09,683
bloody great mates.

262
00:16:07,483 --> 00:16:09,683
CROWD MURMUR APPRECIATIVELY

263
00:16:09,683 --> 00:16:12,283
And for all the lasagnes.

264
00:16:12,283 --> 00:16:15,563
Most of which were home-made.
THEY LAUGH

265
00:16:15,563 --> 00:16:17,123
Mine was.

266
00:16:17,123 --> 00:16:20,523
But I would like to thank two
people in particular,

267
00:16:20,523 --> 00:16:24,643
erm, Cathy and Marcus.

268
00:16:24,643 --> 00:16:28,963
Ever since my ex left us,

269
00:16:28,963 --> 00:16:33,323
those two have been a pair of
absolute megastars.

270
00:16:33,323 --> 00:16:36,603
ALL:  Aw!  So, I personally would
like to thank

271
00:16:36,603 --> 00:16:39,243
my beloved daughter Catherine

272
00:16:39,243 --> 00:16:42,523
and her rock, and mine, Marcus.

273
00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:44,723
So, come on up, guys.
Come on and be thanked.

274
00:16:44,723 --> 00:16:46,243
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

275
00:16:46,243 --> 00:16:50,683
Where's...where's Cathy? Is she...?
Cathy? Come on. Don't be shy.

276
00:16:50,683 --> 00:16:52,883
Cathy?  Cathy?

277
00:16:53,923 --> 00:16:56,603
Anybody seen Cathy? I'm not sure.

278
00:16:56,603 --> 00:16:58,603
Well, let's...let's have a toast.

279
00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:02,163
A toast to the future
Mr and Mrs Tandell.

280
00:17:02,163 --> 00:17:05,003
Dr - he's a long way
from being a Mr.

281
00:17:06,403 --> 00:17:10,883
To the future Dr and Mrs Tandell,
wherever she may be.

282
00:17:10,883 --> 00:17:12,603
So, to love.

283
00:17:12,603 --> 00:17:14,043
ALL:  To love.

284
00:17:15,803 --> 00:17:17,123
Cathy, what are you doing?

285
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:19,643
Well, this wall isn't going to match
that wall now, is it?

286
00:17:19,643 --> 00:17:23,203
Cathy, stop. Call it weird sister
telepathical shit,

287
00:17:23,203 --> 00:17:24,523
but is this about your wedding?

288
00:17:24,523 --> 00:17:28,563
No. This is about an unfortunate
scuff on the wall

289
00:17:28,563 --> 00:17:31,363
and the subsequent rectification
of said scuff.

290
00:17:31,363 --> 00:17:33,403
Why are you talking like
Judge Rinder?

291
00:17:33,403 --> 00:17:35,443
Look, let's just call it a day,
go to your party,

292
00:17:35,443 --> 00:17:38,123
we'll have a spring roll.
It's not my party, is it?

293
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:41,003
It's my mum's party. And she's only
throwing it so that

294
00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:43,483
she can pretend to all of her
friends that everything's

295
00:17:43,483 --> 00:17:45,363
bloody brilliant without Dad.

296
00:17:45,363 --> 00:17:47,803
Well, yeah, it's still a bit
shit to do a runner.

297
00:17:47,803 --> 00:17:49,923
Oh, I get it. Of course.

298
00:17:49,923 --> 00:17:52,443
You just want to go back
and bone that waiter.

299
00:17:52,443 --> 00:17:54,363
Why are you being a dick?

300
00:17:54,363 --> 00:17:57,123
Just give me the brush.  No.
This is an intervention.

301
00:17:57,123 --> 00:17:58,923
Just give me the brush.  No!

302
00:18:00,003 --> 00:18:01,043
Fine.

303
00:18:04,443 --> 00:18:07,483
Give me the brush.  No! It's my
brush! It's my brush!

304
00:18:07,483 --> 00:18:10,483
I want the brush, Cathy.  No, get off
it!  Give me the brush!

305
00:18:10,483 --> 00:18:12,243
Ow, ow!  What is wrong with you?

306
00:18:12,243 --> 00:18:16,003
Give it to me.  Mad, mad!  Cathy!

307
00:18:16,003 --> 00:18:17,923
Get away!  Urgh!

308
00:18:19,043 --> 00:18:20,563
Come back!  No.

309
00:18:20,563 --> 00:18:22,083
Just give me my brush.  No.

310
00:18:22,083 --> 00:18:23,963
Catherine Walcott, come back
here now.

311
00:18:23,963 --> 00:18:25,523
No! No!

312
00:18:27,403 --> 00:18:30,563
Let me in!  This is for your
own good, Cathy.

313
00:18:30,563 --> 00:18:32,963
Grrr!  Go away. You're mental.
What is wrong with you?

314
00:18:32,963 --> 00:18:34,963
Urgh!

315
00:18:34,963 --> 00:18:37,203
Crazy woman!

316
00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:38,803
Urgh!  You need help!

317
00:18:45,443 --> 00:18:46,843
RINGING TONE

318
00:18:46,843 --> 00:18:48,883
CAT:  It's me. You still
at the party?

319
00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:54,443
Marcus.  Argh!

320
00:18:54,443 --> 00:18:56,723
Dad, you gave me a shock.

321
00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,083
I'm going to ask you a question.
No, I'm OK.

322
00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:07,203
We have an expression in surgery...

323
00:19:08,483 --> 00:19:10,123
..As hire As,

324
00:19:10,123 --> 00:19:13,083
and Bs hire Cs.

325
00:19:14,243 --> 00:19:17,003
Basically, brilliant people
surround themselves with

326
00:19:17,003 --> 00:19:19,323
other brilliant people in order
to succeed.

327
00:19:20,443 --> 00:19:25,243
Whereas, those on the rung below,
the Bs, they feel threatened

328
00:19:25,243 --> 00:19:28,723
and so hire even worse people to
make themselves look good.

329
00:19:28,723 --> 00:19:31,243
Oh, yes, I listened to
a Freakonomics podcast...

330
00:19:31,243 --> 00:19:34,443
No, there isn't an equivalent down
in general practice because,

331
00:19:34,443 --> 00:19:37,523
basically, it's one guy in
a cupboard diagnosing sniffles,

332
00:19:37,523 --> 00:19:39,043
whereas, up in surgery,

333
00:19:39,043 --> 00:19:42,083
where it's literally a matter of
life and death,

334
00:19:42,083 --> 00:19:44,923
you have to have
complete trust in your team.

335
00:19:44,923 --> 00:19:48,283
I'd like to think that I save the
odd one.  What I'm getting at is...

336
00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:52,883
..truthfully, what letter is Cathy?

337
00:19:54,363 --> 00:19:56,763
A - definitely.

338
00:19:58,963 --> 00:20:02,163
There you go. I guess that's where
love differs from surgery.

339
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,923
She must really love you.

340
00:20:05,923 --> 00:20:07,203
Yeah, she does.

341
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:14,163
Ugh, God, I need a whisky.

342
00:20:14,163 --> 00:20:16,003
This cheap champagne's revolting.

343
00:20:17,563 --> 00:20:19,283
Where the fuck is your mother?

344
00:20:21,643 --> 00:20:23,203
MARILYN AND MISHTI CACKLE

345
00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:34,163
Catherine Walcott, you'd better have
a very good excuse

346
00:20:34,163 --> 00:20:36,403
for why you're not at that hotel.

347
00:20:39,603 --> 00:20:40,883
She's downstairs.

348
00:20:48,723 --> 00:20:51,323
CATHY SOBS

349
00:20:52,323 --> 00:20:53,363
What's going on?

350
00:20:55,843 --> 00:20:58,363
Cat took my brush.

351
00:20:58,363 --> 00:21:00,323
I just need to finish the wall.

352
00:21:02,163 --> 00:21:03,563
SHE CONTINUES TO SOB

353
00:21:10,963 --> 00:21:13,683
# It's raining so hard

354
00:21:14,803 --> 00:21:18,323
# Looks like it's going to
rain all night

355
00:21:19,963 --> 00:21:23,083
# And this is the time

356
00:21:23,083 --> 00:21:26,363
# I'd love to be holding
you tight... #

357
00:21:26,363 --> 00:21:28,003
What are you doing?

358
00:21:28,003 --> 00:21:29,443
What does it look like I'm doing?

359
00:21:29,443 --> 00:21:32,003
I'm not going to let some wall
ruin your honeymoon.

360
00:21:37,123 --> 00:21:39,483
Gosh, that is very good value
for Dulux.

361
00:21:50,923 --> 00:21:56,003
Can I just ask, are you sure you
didn't see anything earlier?

362
00:21:56,003 --> 00:21:57,963
You know, when I was peeing?

363
00:21:59,083 --> 00:22:00,483
Not a sausage.

364
00:22:01,683 --> 00:22:03,523
Would it even matter if I did?

365
00:22:03,523 --> 00:22:04,683
I know, but...

366
00:22:06,203 --> 00:22:07,603
..it's just I have this...

367
00:22:09,043 --> 00:22:10,643
..weird fear of being seen naked.

368
00:22:10,643 --> 00:22:13,843
I've had it since I was
a teenager. I...

369
00:22:13,843 --> 00:22:16,723
SHE SIGHS

370
00:22:13,843 --> 00:22:16,723
I shower in a bathing suit.

371
00:22:16,723 --> 00:22:19,683
But you've got a great bod!
No, I don't.

372
00:22:19,683 --> 00:22:21,083
But thank you.

373
00:22:22,963 --> 00:22:25,043
I've got this thing about
the outdoors.

374
00:22:25,043 --> 00:22:27,643
I can barely leave the house.

375
00:22:27,643 --> 00:22:29,963
Oh.  God, what is wrong with us?

376
00:22:30,963 --> 00:22:34,203
Cheers For Fears!  Oh!
I love that band.

377
00:22:35,803 --> 00:22:39,083
Cheers.  Cheers. Mm. Mm.

378
00:22:39,083 --> 00:22:43,283
Come to think of it, I got off with
the drummer once.  No.

379
00:22:43,283 --> 00:22:46,603
He had a massive...  I've been
looking for you for 20 minutes.

380
00:22:46,603 --> 00:22:48,123
I'm off to bed. Come on.

381
00:22:48,123 --> 00:22:50,283
I'm going to stay here, actually.

382
00:22:50,283 --> 00:22:53,603
I beg your pardon?  I'm going to stay
here with my friend Marilyn.

383
00:22:53,603 --> 00:22:56,123
She's on the same floor.  Fine.

384
00:22:56,123 --> 00:22:57,163
Don't wake me up.

385
00:23:01,803 --> 00:23:03,163
..cock.

386
00:23:03,163 --> 00:23:04,923
THEY LAUGH

387
00:23:08,323 --> 00:23:09,763
Good job well done, that.

388
00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:11,683
And I didn't mess up my dress.

389
00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:16,563
Right, you go up and have a shower
and I'll clean up down here.

390
00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:19,323
Mum, can you stay in my room
tonight?

391
00:23:19,323 --> 00:23:22,443
Of course I will. Which means you
can stay in my room

392
00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:25,283
if you like, Cat.  Oh, no, I'm good.
I'm out of here.

393
00:23:26,403 --> 00:23:29,123
Love you, you knobhead.  Love you.

394
00:23:32,363 --> 00:23:33,403
Thank you...

395
00:23:34,763 --> 00:23:37,363
..for calling. And for staying.

396
00:23:37,363 --> 00:23:39,483
And I'm...I'm sorry about earlier.

397
00:23:40,963 --> 00:23:42,083
It's family, innit?

398
00:23:43,083 --> 00:23:46,603
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got
an extremely horny hot waiter

399
00:23:46,603 --> 00:23:48,243
waiting for me in the hotel room.

400
00:23:51,683 --> 00:23:54,683
Just to the third tree and back,
OK?  Hmm.  OK.  OK.

401
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,323
Fear is not the boss of us.

402
00:23:57,363 --> 00:23:58,563
Ready?

403
00:24:02,243 --> 00:24:04,363
You're naked!

404
00:24:04,363 --> 00:24:06,923
And I'm outdoors!

405
00:24:06,923 --> 00:24:08,483
Mishti?

406
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:12,443
Mishti!

407
00:24:26,963 --> 00:24:29,523
Shit. Shit!

408
00:24:29,523 --> 00:24:31,443
Get out of bed.

409
00:24:31,443 --> 00:24:33,163
Why didn't you set the alarm?

410
00:24:33,163 --> 00:24:35,163
Oh, you have the first shower.

411
00:24:35,163 --> 00:24:37,043
I can make do with a hooker's
flannel.

412
00:24:37,043 --> 00:24:38,603
ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH BUZZES

413
00:24:37,043 --> 00:24:38,603
Come on.

414
00:24:38,603 --> 00:24:40,723
We haven't got time for this.

415
00:24:40,723 --> 00:24:42,123
I don't think I love Marcus.

416
00:24:44,763 --> 00:24:47,523
MUFFLED:  Why didn't you
say something before?

417
00:24:47,523 --> 00:24:50,123
I guess the wedding was the only
thing keeping you going

418
00:24:50,123 --> 00:24:52,643
and I didn't want to let you down.

419
00:24:56,043 --> 00:24:57,363
SHE SPITS

420
00:25:04,363 --> 00:25:06,003
How long have you felt like this?

421
00:25:07,363 --> 00:25:08,763
A few months.

422
00:25:10,443 --> 00:25:11,563
Maybe a year.

423
00:25:13,123 --> 00:25:15,923
Maybe longer, if I'm brutally
honest.

424
00:25:15,923 --> 00:25:18,803
I'm so sorry, Mum.  Don't be sorry.

425
00:25:20,323 --> 00:25:22,403
You can't marry him if
you don't love him.

426
00:25:25,243 --> 00:25:28,683
I was crazy about your dad when
I married him. I mean...

427
00:25:30,043 --> 00:25:32,123
..you know, it ended how
it ended, but...

428
00:25:33,643 --> 00:25:35,523
..I could never say
I didn't love him.

429
00:25:36,883 --> 00:25:39,323
Are you sure you're not cross?

430
00:25:39,323 --> 00:25:40,563
Oh, come here.

431
00:25:47,603 --> 00:25:48,683
OK.

432
00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:54,243
We'd better cancel this
fucking wedding.

433
00:25:54,243 --> 00:25:55,523
CATHY SIGHS DEEPLY

434
00:26:04,763 --> 00:26:06,483
MARILYN AND MISHTI LAUGH

435
00:26:08,323 --> 00:26:12,163
Oh, my God. Of course Marcus would
be late for his own bloody wedding.

436
00:26:15,243 --> 00:26:16,643
MESSAGE ALERT

437
00:26:19,203 --> 00:26:20,243
Oh, God.

438
00:26:22,643 --> 00:26:24,403
Shit the bed!

439
00:26:24,403 --> 00:26:26,043
FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS ON TANNOY

440
00:26:27,883 --> 00:26:29,523
Did you speak to her?

441
00:26:29,523 --> 00:26:31,563
No, I texted Mum.

442
00:26:31,563 --> 00:26:33,403
I thought it was best to let
the dust settle.

443
00:26:33,403 --> 00:26:35,803
Are you sure that you
want to do this?

444
00:26:35,803 --> 00:26:39,363
Yes, Meredith. I realised two big
things last night.

445
00:26:40,523 --> 00:26:42,843
You're the only one that loves me
for being a B.

446
00:26:44,243 --> 00:26:47,083
And also, my father's a massive C.

447
00:26:47,083 --> 00:26:49,203
I don't get it.  It doesn't matter.

448
00:26:50,203 --> 00:26:51,243
Come here.

449
00:26:56,963 --> 00:26:58,003
Come on.

450
00:27:03,803 --> 00:27:07,843
Cathy. Cathy, I've left you,
like, a million messages.

451
00:27:07,843 --> 00:27:10,723
I've... Listen, I've got to
tell you something.

452
00:27:10,723 --> 00:27:13,643
He's not here.  Who?  Marcus.

453
00:27:13,643 --> 00:27:16,403
Marcus has just text his mum saying
that he's not coming to

454
00:27:16,403 --> 00:27:18,963
the wedding.  What? No.

455
00:27:18,963 --> 00:27:22,643
You're confused. I'M the one not
coming to the wedding.

456
00:27:22,643 --> 00:27:25,683
Sorry, Cath, man, but I think you've
been stood up at the altar.

457
00:27:25,683 --> 00:27:29,483
No. No, no, no. Me.

458
00:27:29,483 --> 00:27:31,963
I stood HIM up at the altar.

459
00:27:31,963 --> 00:27:34,443
I'm the one not coming to
the wedding.

460
00:27:34,443 --> 00:27:36,763
I'm standing HIM up!

461
00:27:36,763 --> 00:27:38,883
Grrr!

462
00:27:38,883 --> 00:27:40,243
Argh!

463
00:27:40,243 --> 00:27:43,123
# Don't you want somebody to love?

464
00:27:43,123 --> 00:27:46,643
# Don't you need somebody to love?

465
00:27:46,643 --> 00:27:50,363
# Wouldn't you love somebody
to love?

466
00:27:50,363 --> 00:27:55,683
# You better find somebody to love

467
00:27:55,683 --> 00:27:57,003
# Love, love

468
00:28:03,643 --> 00:28:05,883
# When the garden flowers... #