You've reached the voicemail of Colin Walcott.
Please leave me a message and I'll call you back.
What? What's the emergency?
I'm supposed to be dropping a pad Thai off in eight minutes.
Really stinks of farts in here.
I need an update, Cat. Are you serious?
You got me all across town for Instagram?
'Kin' hell, Cath.
OK, so there's two new photos and an Insta story
about them feeding turtles.
Huh. So he's sticking to my itinerary.
I was the one that booked the trip to the turtle sanctuary.
Oh, my God, is that my water bottle?
What a kick in the tits.
What have I done, Cat?
I'm supposed to be on the beach feeding turtles,
not cyberstalking my ex-fiance and his ex-receptionist
on MY ex-honeymoon.
Are you forgetting that Marcus is a complete cockrocket?
Come on, let's go. Up.
Me and you are going on our honeymoon.
We'll take Dad's yacht, we'll eat a shit-tonne of crisps
and we'll hit the deck like Di and Dodi.
Cathy, look at me. Oh.
You owe it to yourself. And me.
But mainly to yourself, OK?
SHE GROANS
Fine. Wicked.
Let's honeymoon!
Cathy, about the wedding gifts,
I managed to return everything except for the Le Creuset salt pig.
Because Bill and Jane are in Lanzarote.
Cathy?
At least give me a clue as to where we're going. What direction?
All I'm going to say is that you wanted to be with Dad,
so that's what we're going to do.
We're going to kill ourselves? No, knobhead. Have you finished?
Isn't there some sort of manual we can download for this?
Get out the way. Let me do it.
Here you are, Cathy, you're in luck -
getting things into holes is my speciality.
Did you hear that, Mum? What?
I said, "Getting things into holes is my speciality."
MARILYN LAUGHS HEARTILY
Oh, brilliant. Where do you get all this stuff from?
I don't know, it just arrives out my mouth like that.
Here, Cathy, love, do you mind if I give Marcus' mum a ring?
I don't know what the etiquette is when the groom dumps the bride.
She dumped him. I dumped him. Oh.
Anyway, no, knock yourself out, Marilyn.
Mishti is not the villain of this piece. Oh, cool.
I thought I might even get the bus down to see her.
Oh, nice one, Mum.
Something to work towards, anyway.
Who knows? One day, I might even run a marathon.
Oh, you could join my mum's Nordic walking group. No.
Wicked. All right, come on, Cath, let's rock and roll.
Oh, Mum, keep an ear out for Dad's phone, yeah?
Wicked.
Bon voyage, mis amores.
Girls, y-you forgot the boat.
The boat. You might need the boat.
I think we might have forgotten the boat. Oh, you're kidding. Shit.
I hereby declare HMS Catkin open.
Let the bottle see the yacht.
Well, that's one drawback to SodaStreaming your own champagne.
Oi, dickhead, stop looking at my phone.
What a bitch. I was going to order the swordfish.
She better not have ordered the Bajan macaroni pie.
She's ordered the Bajan macaroni pie. Has she no shame?
Ugh. What?
What are you doing? Well, it's my phone. I can do what I want with it.
Oh, my God. You're mental. I'm mental?
You're the one who's obsessing over what two fanny packs
are having for their lunch. Fine. Do you know what?
I'll just download Instagram on my phone. OK.
CATHY GASPS
Oh, my God!
That was a work phone. Look. Shit!
We're on our honeymoon, OK?
No e-mails, no updates, no exes. Just you and me
having some quality sister time on a yacht.
OK, one, it's a two-berth cruiser.
And two, what if we need a map or a torch or - I don't know -
the Headspace app?
You better not be like this all honeymoon.
Right, come on, shift your car for the boat drive
It's a slipway. Are you serious? How do you know all this shit?
Did they teach you yacht lessons at your posh school?
Pfft. I didn't go to Eton.
OK? My school was just a run-of-the-mill,
bog-standard private school that just so happened to have
a rowing club. Yes, I learned it at my posh school.
Right. Well, I'm going to get changed. You go and shift your car.
OK. Well, I hope you've bought appropriate boat wear.
Oh, I've got the perfect yacht frock.
SHE INHALES DEEPLY Oh.
Hello, Colin.
I know we haven't spoken for a while, which is mostly your fault,
but I'm not going to get into that.
Anyway...
..the long and the short of it is...
..I hate you.
I hate you so much.
And it's horrible.
And then, today, I finally ran out of distractions.
And I was sitting on the sofa and I had an epiphany.
I realised I hate the hate more than I hate you.
So...
..that's why I'm here...
..because there's really only one way out.
SHE INHALES SHARPLY
I forgive you, Colin Walcott!
That's OK.
MEN LAUGH
Prat.
PHONE RINGS
Hello. Oh, g'day, it's Kelly from Kendrick Estate Agents.
Am I talking to Cat Walcott?
No, I'm her mum. I'm Marilyn.
OK. Sorry. Had a bit of a big one last night.
We flogged a school football pitch to a casino
and I am sweating Sambuca.
Anyway, I'm calling about the completion arrangements
for the Stalks Hill property.
I believe Cathy left the keys with her sister? Erm...
Yes, we've got them. Ah, top banana.
Can I meet you at the property at 11?
I would pop over to yours, but I've just done one of those
online blood alcohol calculators and I can't drive till seven.
Is that a sausage roll? Oh, yes!
Mate! Hello, Marilyn, you still there? Yeah.
Great, all right. I'll see you at 11, darling. Ta-ta.
OK.
# I took my love, I took it down
# I climbed a mountain and I turned around
# And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
# Till the landslide brought me down
# Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? #
Here you are. Right, you ready? Yeah.
Right, where's this from, OK?
I'm the king of the world! Oh.
Yes, thingy in, erm, whatsit! God, I love that film.
That is so frigging freaky.
I love that film, too. We could be the same person. Yeah.
OK, can you move so I can see the canal? Yep. Thank you.
Ah. Here, do you get dolphins in the canals?
BIRDS CHIRP
WOMAN PANTS AND FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
WOMAN CONTINUES PANTING
You're Marilyn, right?
I'm going to need a moment.
Citymapper said it was a 20-minute walk here.
I mean, that's a load of bullcrap right there.
Sorry. OK. All right.
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
Have you got the keys?
Ah, brilliant, thanks.
Do you want me to do anything else while I'm out and about?
Yeah. Yeah, you can take the post. There we go.
Now, er, we've got all the bank account details, yeah,
for the, uh...for the payment?
Yes, I believe it's going to the solicitors.
Colin, my other half, the owner, he didn't leave a will,
so it's all got a bit complicated.
Look, I don't want to be a sticky beak, but, uh,
you know the other one, Tess?
Is she the wife? Yeah.
I was his lover.
Yes.
That is beautiful.
Well, I guess I'll ring you when we've officially completed. Yeah.
Parksie! Mate, I was right. She's the lover.
SHE CHUCKLES
Yeah, you owe me a pint.
Told you so. Yeah, I can do Queen's Head in 20 minutes.
Hair of the dog, mate, yeah.
MUSIC: What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction
I hate not knowing where we're going. It's a surprise.
Oh, my God.
There's a guy in the bush staring at me.
He's just fishing. No, he's not. He's got his cock out.
No, he doesn't have his cock out, Cat.
Oh, my God, he does have.
Pervert! Oh, I don't think much of your bait, mate.
Did you see that? I said, "I don't think much of your bait, mate."
Here, pull over. I need a piss.
What happened with you and that waiter the other night?
Like, what base did you get to?
How many bases are there? Four.
We got to, like, seventh. What?! How do you even do that?
I've got a very high pain threshold. No, no, I mean...
No. How are you so successful with boys? I mean... I mean men.
I'm useless. Bollocks.
Us Walcotts are hot pieces of ass.
If we was at Nando's, we'd be the chilli triple sign.
No, I'm lemon and herb all the way.
I'm a terrible flirt. And not in a sort of
"she's a terrible flirt" kind of a way.
More in the sort of..."did she just mention ringworm?" kind of a flirt.
MUSIC: Toxic by Britney Spears
Oh, my God, I love this song. Oh, tune. Tune.
Whoa.
# Baby, can't you see I'm calling?
# A guy like you should wear a warning
# It's dangerous
# I'm falling... #
Oh, my God, look at those cows.
Where? Their balls are massive.
Well, I think you mean their udders.
No, they're not, they're balls. No, they're udders.
Moo!
Oh, shit, we're here. Hmm? We're here!
Cathy, pull over. This is the place.
Look. Look, it's the pub from Dad's photo.
I thought that if he can't come to us, we'll go to him.
Or at least his favourite place.
God.
I don't know what to say. You are welcome.
Marilyn.
Tess. Oh, my God. What are you doing here?
Listen, there's something really impor... I forgive you, Marilyn.
I forgive you. I, uh...
I forgive you.
OK. There's just... Sorry, if I can just finish.
I, erm, I can't walk around with this much hate
because I'm not a horrible person.
So...to reiterate my opening sentiment...
..I forgive you. Great.
Listen, I don't want to be rude, but can we come back to this?
Because, erm...
..I think you should see this letter.
I think I need to put the kettle on. Come on, Tess.
Yes, I can hold.
So they can't discuss anything over the phone, but they say if we can
go over there with some ID, they can talk us through Colin's will.
Who are you talking about, "we"?
Well, I'm not doing this alone.
OK. That's impressive. I didn't know Cat was Grade Eight saxophone.
Oh, she's not. That's YOUR Catherine Walcott,
but it's nice to imagine.
We got that when we gutted your house.
Er, yes, sorry.
Terrific, yes. Great, we'll come straight over.
Let's go now.
If you're so shit at flirting, how did you bag Marcus?
We met on a unisex netball team.
How can a sentence that contains sex and balls be so unerotic?
Ball isn't really an erotic word, is it?
Balls. Ballsack. What are you talking about? That's my go-to word
when I'm talking dirty. Really?
Ballsack? Yeah.
Men don't want frigging Mills & Boon, Cathy -
they're filthy bastards.
I don't know any of this.
That's very funny.
I know the original, keep calm and carry on, but that is very clever.
CATHY CHUCKLES
Hiya, what can I get you?
Oh, may I peruse your wine list, please?
Um... Erm, no. Two Foster tops.
Is there any KFC around here?
No, no. Welcome to the middle of nowhere.
Oh, but how do you feel about Bombay mix?
Now we are talking. Oh, yes. Yeah, honestly, I actually don't
understand people that don't love that shit.
I've eaten half of this myself. Yes, please.
Though I'm never sure whether we should call it Bombay mix
or Mumbai mix because, obviously, there are colonial undertones.
Oh, I just call them spicy maggots. Hmm.
SHE SOBS
Cathy? Oh, Cathy, come on.
Sorry. Here, look, have some blue roll.
CRYING: Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I just got emotional.
I just got a wave, you know?
I am doing the right thing, aren't I, Cat? Oh, 100%.
You know, Marcus is a total dick.
And do you know what really annoyed me about him?
How much of a slow eater he was.
Pervert. What am I going to do now?
Cathy...
..the world is our oyster.
All right? I've never eaten an oyster,
but the beauty of the world being an oyster
is that maybe one day I could eat an oyster.
We could eat our world.
That's wise words. Are they?
Right, makeover time.
Oh, no. No, thank you. Oh, babes, come on.
Live a little, live a lotto. Consider yourself Queer Eyed.
You're not even going to recognise yourself in 30 minutes.
Can you err on the side of natural?
Shh, I can't contour if you're talking.
TOILET FLUSHES
Oh, my God.
I love it.
I look like I could have my own show on ITV3.
You know, us Walcotts have incredible bone structure. Yeah.
Look, Catherine, right here. Mm-hm.
Just got to subtly tease them out. Yeah.
You're like a cheekbone archaeologist.
You know, when I was a kid, this is all I ever wanted.
A sister to do makeovers and dance routines with.
Now look at us.
Right, should we go and get a drink and watch the sunset? Yes, please.
I've never felt better.
Anyone got a boat called Catkin?
Yeah. It's floating down the canal.
Shit.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The boat. The boat. Oh, my God, it's our boat.
Oh, shit.
THEY GASP
Whoa. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he's in. Oh, my God.
Wow. Hmm.
Yeah, mate, throw us that rope.
It's like that bit from whatsit. Pride And Prejudice.
No, Ex On The Beach.
Oh, my God.
Baby boy. Wow.
Maybe we should go see if he's all right. Yeah.
I am so, so, so, so, so, so sorry.
I'm such an idiot.
Absolutely my bad.
No worries. He needed a wash anyway. Shut up.
Can I buy you two a drink as a thank you?
That's OK, isn't it, Cat, if these two gentlemen join us?
Yeah. Yeah.
All right, I need to get changed first.
Are you guys sticking around?
Hell yes, we're sticking around.
You try and stop us...being sticky.
All right.
When I flirt, I sound like Ed Miliband. Who?
We did leave quite a few messages on his mobile, but never mind.
Right, that'll be Â£600.
Sorry about this.
It only seems to work in the corridor for some reason.
Cindy, the bloody doodah's stopped working again.
Thank you for forgiving me.
I just reached a point where I thought,
"I don't want hate to define me."
And I can't really blame you for falling in love with Colin.
It's exactly what I did.
Well, it's very gracious of you.
Don't you feel any resentment towards him?
I actually feel a peace about it.
There was this woman that did my smear once.
She told me she thought love was like a river.
No-one can own a river.
You can own the bank, but not the actual water.
Colin was our beautiful, swirling river
and we just had to let him flow
People really open up to you.
Well, to be fair, I was really opening up to her.
Oh, it's decided to work now.
Right, sorry about that. If you could just insert your PIN.
Smashing.
And there is your will.
It's very straightforward.
The majority of it goes to Tess as his lawful wedded wife.
And the rest of it's divided equally between the three children.
Sorry, what do you mean "three" children?
The cheating bastard!
So how do you two know each other? That's my sister.
I'm Cat and she's Cathy.
We're actually both Catherines.
I'm a Catherine. Really? Yeah.
Well, everyone calls me Kitty. Oh, my God.
Jackpot. Hey, I don't mind telling you
but I have got my drinking lips on tonight.
Shh. Oh.
Here, Cathy, Cathy. Hmm? She's another Catherine. Yeah.
Oh! Three Catherines!
The Holy Catherinity!
Oh, Catherine, you'll like this.
My dad - our dad - he has a photograph of himself
outside this pub.
And so we thought that we would take a pilgrimage here
today on his yacht.
It's technically a two-berth cruiser. Hold on. Who's your dad?
Cos I might know him - this is my mum's pub.
Well, he died, unfortunately, but, um, Colin Walcott.
Colin?
Walc... Colin's dead.
Oh, my God!
Colin's died.
God! That's... Sorry. Bloody hell.
Like... Well, because he used to do our pub quizzes on Thursdays.
My God! My mum's going to be knocked for six about that.
Oh, God. I think I need a drink.
Oh.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
How... I don't know how I'm going to tell my mum about this.
To Colin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
To Dad! To Dad!
Oh. Ooh.
So, Kitty, about the Thursday thing with Colin.
Oy, oy, saveloy sausages. Not... Not jizz.
Um... Just in time.
We're going to be doing some shots.
Two more of those diddy little glasses, please.
Cool. Right. Um, Cathy, Cathy.
Just one more shot with the lads to say thank you and then
we'll find a table and we'll sit and we'll watch the sunset, you and me.
Sister sunset. Yeah, I'll join you outside.
So a toast to...
..ballsacks.
To ballsacks. To ballsacks. To ballsacks. Ballsacks.
Ah.
Gah.
Pick up. Come on. Pick up, pick up, pick up.
They're not picking up.
OK, er, where have they gone to? Marilyn, where are they staying?
Where are the girls going to?
I am raging here, Tess. I am boiling over.
I mean, it's one thing to have a wife
but quite another to take an extra lover.
OK. What...? The three-timing... Marilyn. ..sex-pest piece of shit.
Marilyn. Right, Marilyn.
Right, Marilyn. What an idiot! Marilyn!
Focus. Where are the girls?
At the pub.
There you are. Why don't you come back inside and dance?
I'm all right, thanks. Oh, come on. Come inside.
Those guys are a real top pair of spunk buckets.
Not that I'm objectifying them - they're also really nice guys,
boys, men, males.
I don't feel like it, OK?
Sorry. Are you in a snot with me? No.
Wait! Are you jealous?
This was supposed to be our honeymoon,
then them guys just turned up and now I just feel
like a proper gooseberry.
Sorry about the sunset.
Yeah, well, it was all right.
Sorry, I just... I think I got over excited by the builders.
Don't apologise.
They were fit.
Yeah.
Well...
I owe you a thank you.
And not just for excavating my natural cheek bones, but for this.
For all of this.
If it wasn't for you, I would probably be married to a man
I didn't love and I would never have the confidence
to toast a man's ballsack.
I've got you to thank for everything.
You're making me emotional now.
MUSIC: Dance Wiv Me by Dizzee Rascal
Oh, my God! Rave from the grave.
I haven't heard this since my school leavers' ball. Come on.
Isn't that when you got off with the maths teacher?
It was one slow dance to end a very intense year of maths.
# 100%, I'll make it perfect You got a body to die for
# Let me merk it Now it's murder on the dance floor
# I wanna take this further On the dance floor
# I ain't forceful But I'm still hardcore
# You're gonna give me everything I ask for
# It's not a long ting you're the boom ting
# Maybe more than the hotel room ting
# I never know if I just walk past
# I really wanna dance So I guess I'll just ask... #
Here, the best way to get over a horse is to get off
with two other horses at the same time.
# Satisfy my mind, body and soul
# Come and dance with me Come and dance with me
# I see you glance at me That's why I'm asking, B
# So let's party, B Come and dance with me
# If I'm out on my own Then I can look at you looking at me
# If I'm out on a date... #
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
What? Yeah, yeah, one second.
Cat! Cat! Cat!
Phone for you.
Hello.
I can't hear you, Mum, you'll have to talk up.
You've got a brother. He's called Callum.
Oi, Callum. What are you drinking?
NO-O-O-O-O!