For 30-odd years, he was my lovely noise.
But it turns out that he had
the same noise going on with someone else.
Dad had an affair, not great, but because of it,
you got a sister. You got me.
I forgive you, Colin Walcott.
It's very straightforward.
The majority of it goes
to Tess as his lawful wedded wife,
and the rest of it's divided equally between the three children.
Sorry, what do you mean, three children?
You've got a brother. He's called Callum.
Oi, Callum, what are you drinking?
No!
This programme contains some strong language
Cathy?
Oh, Cath...Cath?
Water. I need water.
I'm still drunk. Oh.
I've never been more pleased to see a tap.
Oh.
Oh, God, last night was mental, weren't it, Cathy?
Cathy?
Oh, shit.
Did that fit builder give me a love bite?
Yeah. You snogged the face off him. Oh.
Can you seriously not remember any of
the shit that happened last night?
Oh. I wish I did. Oh, he was a hottie.
Come on. I think that deserves a high five.
No? You're just jealous I got a piece of the hot-guy pie.
Right, Cathy.
I can't believe I'm telling you this again,
but do you know the guy who gave you the love bite?
Very much. Well, there's a strong possibility that he's our brother.
Very funny. It's an oldie but it's a goodie.
No, Cath, listen. Listen to me. Our mums rang, yeah?
And they said that they found the will,
and that we have a brother, and he was there in the pub,
and it's properly messed up.
We've got a brother and he's called Callum.
I mean, it's sort of less funny the more you make of it.
No, no, I'm not lying. I swear down on my dad's life.
He's dead. Yeah. I mean, last year I was an only child,
and now I've got a big sister and a little brother.
Oh, my God, you're serious.
Yeah. I am. It's wicked, innit?
Oh, God. I need to wash my mouth.
I need to wash my brother out of my mouth.
Oh!
Oh.
# Hey, sister, go, sister, soul sister... #
I can't even put into words
the sheer cockery of that prick.
I mean, how many women was he shagging?
You actually just need a soupcon. It doesn't matter.
Mm. I have no gag reflex.
That explains a lot.
I know where she lives, you know. Callum's mother.
It's all in the will. She's called Angela.
"Hi, I'm Angela." Angel-arse, more like.
Vagangela. Angela, aren't you a bitch?
All right. I get it. Been there, done that,
burnt his T-shirts. But...look at yourself.
You're out and about.
Yesterday you were a veritable recluse.
Today, you're feasting on king prawns.
How are you not raging?
Something happened to me in that car park yesterday.
A Damascene conversion.
I climbed up on that rock and I forgave him.
I forgave Colin for the lying and the cheating
and, well, generally being dead.
Are you eating that?
I did nothing for myself the whole time we were married.
I just gave. Here I gave, there I gave,
everywhere I gave, gave.
Well, do you know whose turn it is to give back now?
Old MacDonald?
Colin. It's time Colin gave back.
And I know you weren't mentioned in the will,
but I'm about to inherit a large chunk of his estate,
and I think it's time we had a bit of fun.
Ah. I'll drink to that.
So, here's what's on my grand to-do list.
I'm going to drink this champagne.
I'm going to book a fancy holiday,
and then I'm going to buy a ridiculous sports car.
What's top of your list? Go to that bitch's house.
Smashing.
Cathy, we're here.
Well, er, thank you for the lift,
and for the lovely honeymoon.
Bar the last bit, which was horrific.
Babe, we need to talk about Callum.
No, no, no, we don't.
We've got to find him. He's our blood.
And he deserves to know he has two sisters.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He doesn't know?
No, you were sick in his shoe, so he left before I could tell him.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Cathy, I think you're overreacting.
How am I supposed to react?
I may have French kissed a sibling.
Babe, the tongue wants who the tongue wants.
Oh, my God. Have I broken the law? If I Google it,
can I get arrested for my search history?
Cathy. Listen, listen. Calm down, OK?
Rewind. Look, we might have found a half brother.
Our brother.
This is a sign from Dad. This is meant to be.
You can go down the wormhole of mystical signs if you want,
OK? But I'm a realist. This year I have lost my dad,
I've been dumped at the altar,
and I've just snogged my long-lost brother.
So if the universe is telling me anything, it's to sort my shit out.
Fine. Here, can I use your bog?
I think I've got cystitis from these sequins.
Oh, dear.
Oh, my God!
Oh, is that somebody arrived already?
Oh. Er... Sorry, I wasn't expecting...
Er... What is she doing in my house?
Well, it's half my house,
and...
..your mum said you weren't back for another couple of days.
Sorry, what are you doing texting my mum?
Because she needed my Times paywall login.
Look, it's a bit awkward
but we're having a few people over for Meredith.
KNOCKING AT DOOR
On your marks, set, bake.
Oh. Have I got the wrong night?
It is the first episode of Bake Off tonight, isn't it?
Meredith's in the new series of The Great British Bake Off.
What the actual F?
Frankie, let me take your coat. Thank you.
Yeah. I filmed it over the summer but I wasn't allowed to tell
a soul - apart from Marcus, obviously.
That's for you, my love. Oh!
You know, the Radio Times called you "the crumpet lover's crumpet".
Oh, hardly!
Sorry. What is happening, Marcus?
We're just having a few people over,
and Meredith's place is too small, and our telly's way better.
Hiya, I'm Frankie, by the way. This is fun,
isn't it?
Wish I'd made an effort like you two.
No. No, no.
Cathy and Cat aren't staying. They're just about to leave.
I don't know what to say, Marcus. I mean,
not only have you invited this woman to live in my house,
but she's also infiltrated my favourite television show
in the entire world. I mean, is nothing sacred?
And as for you, Mere, like, all I want to do
is ask you if Prue Leith is as fun as she seems,
but I can't. Because you stole my bloody fiance.
Is Prue as fun as she seems? Oh, she's the best.
Damnit.
Oh, what's... Is your neck all right?
Er... If you must know, Marcus,
it's a love bite from a dead sexy model.
You go, girl.
Not that it's any of your business.
Right, Cathy, come on, we're going.
Can I just say something?
Because I don't give a self-raising shit about Bake Off.
I hope you get knocked out first round,
and I hope you choke on a fondant fancy.
Hey!
Nice to meet you, Frankie.
ALL: Hey!
# I'm so tired of working every day... #
KNOCKING ON DOOR
I brought you some cake to cheer you up.
Thanks, Mum.
Ouch. What happened to your neck?
Oh. It's chafing from my life jacket.
Cathy. I know.
I know everything and it's awful.
So, out of solidarity,
I'll be watching Bake Off on catch-up and not live.
They don't deserve my viewing figure.
Oh. Cheers.
Mum, do you think you could stop texting Marcus, please?
I know it's weird,
and of course I'm not happy about what he's done to you,
but trust me when I say Marcus dumping you...
I dumped him. Exactly. That's what I mean.
You didn't want to be with him anyway.
Honestly, as soon as you move on,
amazing things will happen.
I forgave your father.
Next thing you know, I'm off to a Saga singles resort in Morocco.
What? Your dead father's paying, so Marrakech, here I come.
I might even have a go on a hookah.
Right.
Is this my wedding cake?
Yes. Yeah. I mean, it seemed a shame to waste it
so I shoved it in the freezer.
Of course, with hindsight, I should have asked Meredith to bake...
It doesn't matter.
SHE SOBS
Mum.
Where are you?
PHONE RINGS
Mum, where are you? You're never not at home.
Erm, I've just popped out for a bit of...
..fresh air.
I'll be back in a bit. All right, bye now.
What?
Guess who just poached
the Dutch route? I knew they'd crumble.
Ange, they're still there.
They've been out there for over an hour.
I might message the street WhatsApp group.
TIMER BEEPS
Oh, that'll be the pork loins.
Mm. Wouldn't mind some of your loins later.
Callum, dinner.
Hello. I'd like to buy a car, please.
Eric. Fiat customer for you.
ERIC SIGHS
Good day. How may I help you?
Yes, I'd, erm...
I'd like to test drive that sexy little red number.
The Ferrari.
Oh la la. Is that what it is? Fancy.
Do you take credit cards?
And also should I wear these driving shoes?
Sorry, I was caught up there. I can take you for the test drive.
Too late. I'm off with young Eric here.
After you, my good lady.
Big mistake. Big, huge.
# Pretty woman! #
Oh, shit-bits,
Deliveroo's put me on another warning
because my old phone accepted four deliveries at
the bottom of the canal.
Yeah. I've got two text messages from Marcus,
16 missed calls from your mum,
and a voicemail from an unknown number.
VOICE MESSAGE: Hi, Cathy. It's, erm, Callum.
Oh, yes, mate. I think I'm going to have a panic attack.
Just calling to say you owe me Â£80 for
a new pair of trainers.
Or, you can buy me a drink to make up for puking on my shoes
the other night. Your call. Er, yeah, this is Callum, by the way,
or "the sex horse", as you kept calling me. Anyway, gimme a bell.
Right, message him back, say that you'll meet him this afternoon.
Don't say that we're related.
You want me to catfish my own brother?
Cathy-fish.
Look. He's half our dad.
Imagine if you refused to meet me a year ago.
I'm like the best thing that's ever happened to you.
I can't believe I'm going to do this.
Are you free this afternoon?
Bit forward. Ha. I hate you.
MUSIC: The Night by Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons
BEEPING
Aaargh!
Stay down! Stay down! Security!
OK, it's fine.
It's going to be fine.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
Oh, Cath, man. You've either got a brother
or you've snogged a model. It's win-win, innit?
Oh, God, there he is.
What-ho!
Why'd you say that? Hey. I don't want to sound flirty.
So why are you calling him a ho?
It's a ye olde English phrase. Not like a ho ho.
All right, Father Christmas.
Hiya. Hey.
You don't mind if I tag along too, do you?
Like a threesome?
Not a threesome. Absolutely not a threesome.
Oi, Cal, is that you?
Ah. I was hoping you wouldn't notice that.
So embarrassing. Heh.
You all right, Cathy?
Oh, just the cheek.
Oh. Thank you.
It's very big, isn't it?
I mean, the-the poster.
The hoarding itself is...is... is very large.
So, Callum, what do your mum and dad make of your modelling career?
Assuming you do indeed have a mother and a father?
Er, yeah. Yeah, I've got a mum and dad.
Fantastic. And do you come from a long line of underwear models or...?
Ha-ha! No. God, no. My dad's, like, 5'6.
Oh, really? Yeah. It really annoys him. I can pick him up.
Ha.
So, er, the other night was... fun, wasn't it?
So, listen, erm... I need to talk to you about something, but...
Hold on. Can I just go for a piss?
Now? Yes, now. It's the sequin cystitis.
Fine, go.
Just wait for her to come back.
Ah, rose for the beautiful lady?
Oh, no. I'm fine, thank you.
Yeah. I'll get one. Oh, no, you really don't have to do that.
It's fine, honestly. Don't worry.
Thank you. What a, er...lovely thing that is.
Have you told him yet? Told me what?
No. I just, erm...
OK, well, I've written down a few notes on my phone so I'll just...
OK, so, I want to start by saying, wow, gosh, thank you so much
for your kind invitation and for reaching out to me and getting...
Cal, mate, is your mum called Angela?
Er, yeah.
Do you live at Acre House, Swallowdale Lane?
Yeah.
OK, last questi-on-ey.
Erm...
Do you know this guy?
Colin? Yeah.
He was the quiz guy at the pub. Why?
OK, do you want the good newses or the bad newses?
Why are you saying "newses"?
There's more than one bit of bad news so it's newses.
What's going on?
OK, well, the bad newses is that Cathy here, she's your sister,
as am I, cos Colin the pub guy, well, he's all of our dads.
And the other bad newses is that, erm, our dad is dead.
Sorry.
But the good news is you're going to inherit a sizeable package.
And you've got two brand-spanking-new sisters.
Oh, heh-heh... I've got a screen grab of the will.
Our dad couldn't treat us equally in life so he wanted to in death.
That's the sort of bloke that he was, eh?
Hang on, but we kissed...
Ah, another beautiful lady. You want to buy a rose?
ALL: No.
I've come to retrieve my friend.
Did you just call me "friend"? Aww.
Oh, Marilyn, this is Eric,
who's kindly agreed to accompany us on this test drive.
Eric, this is my late husband's lover, Marilyn.
Good God, this is getting better and better.
Right. Buckle up for a joy ride.
I hope that bitch Angela saw me driving off in a Ferrari.
LINE RINGS
No, my mum's not picking up.
God. This is mental.
This is mental.
So, just to categorically say that
this is just as bad for me as it is for you, except I didn't just find
out my dad wasn't my real dad and that my biologic father is dead,
and, OK, yeah, I'll stop talking now.
Oh... I-I need to talk to my mum.
Oh... Think I'm going to cry.
Oh... He cries like Sinead O'Connor.
It's beautiful.
Oi, Cal, we'll give you a lift if you like.
Will we?
You should have seen her on that running machine.
All smug as though her arse crack
wasn't sweating like everyone else's.
God, she makes me sick.
Eric, darling, what's the top speed on this baby?
I'll level with you, Tess - I've absolutely no idea about cars.
Oh. Then why, may I ask, are you working for a garage?
Cos it's my stepfather's place and I owe him 2Â½ grand for a
first-edition Toni Morrison novel that I bought with his PayPal.
Oh, my God. That is wonderful.
Good for you for pursuing your passions.
I spent years not even knowing what mine were.
But not any more - am I right, Marilyn?
I'm too angry to talk. I just want to go home.
Oh, what, and sit festering on your farty old sofa
for another 20-odd years?
Not on my watch.
You know, if nothing else,
stalking Angela has got you out in the fresh air.
Eric, sweetie, if I were to spunk some of my inheritance on this car,
would the commission clear your debt?
Oh, my God, yes!
In that case, I'll take it.
I love it.
Now, do you mind if we take a little diversion?
Go for your life. It's your car.
Wait, now where are you taking us?
It's probably some weird admin error, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's probably just some sort of silly mix-up.
Well, fingers crossed it's not and, whatever happens, we'll be here.
Yeah? Right.
Good luck. Not that you'll need it
cos it's probably just a silly mix-up, right?
Oh...
Ooh. God, look at the gates. It's like Beverly Hills.
Oh, God!
Babe! We've all got off with people that we shouldn't have.
I mean, I got off with this one lad
it turns out sold illegally imported snakes on the dark web.
Oh, shit, who's that?
What are you doing outside my house?
Oh, erm... We are, erm... Callum's, er...
We are models. Yeah.
We have just done a photoshoot with him for Gucci.
I'm Cat and this is my sister, Cathy.
Hi. Oh, lovely.
I'm Peter, Callum's dad.
Sorry to be such a nosy parker,
it's just that we've had a lot of problem with loiterers recently.
Anyway, you have a lovely afternoon, OK?
Come on, Tina. Let's go.
What a charmer.
Just makes it worse.
Come on, get out of the car.
I don't like fresh air.
Put your shoes on and get out of the car.
Don't make me count to five.
SHE SCOFFS
Fine.
I haven't been back here since we... exploded Colin's ashes.
Right. Come on.
So, what I want you to do is to get up on that rock
and release the anger, OK?
Just get up there and shout, "I forgive you, Colin Walcott,"
and empty out your soul.
This is stupid.
Do you know who you remind me of?
Me, 24 hours ago.
Yesterday I was just a big bloody ball of hatred,
but today, I own a Ferrari.
So, come on, get up there and forgive him.
That's it. Are you all right?
Yes. Good.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
I for...
Come on, you can do better than that.
I forgive you.
Marilyn, let it go.
I FORGIVE YOU, COLIN WALCOTT!
VOICE CARRIES LOUDLY
Oh!
Can you shut up?
We're trying to watch some fucking mistle thrushes here!
I'm sorry.
You know, Cath, man, one day, we'll laugh about this
and it'll be a funny little story
about the time you and Uncle Callum...
No, no, no. This will not be spoken of.
What has happened to me?
This is the sort of thing that happens to messy, messed-up people
like you. Sorry, sorry.
No, fair enough. I mean, I probably would have snogged him,
but you got in there first.
This is the wake-up call I need, Cat.
I need to get back to basics.
I need to sort out my golden triangle.
Is that like a pubic-hair thing?
No... No. Look.
OK, Dad used to swear by it.
It's this idea that there are three parts to happiness, OK?
Work, family and love.
Whoa. That's like proper Illuminati shit. They love a triangle.
So, circling back to my golden triangle,
by Dad's first anniversary, I'm going to have a better job,
a brilliant boyfriend and have healthy, functional relationships
with the women in my family.
And stop snogging the men in your family.
Yes, very funny.
Callum! Leave me alone! Oh, Callum! Wait!
Oh, God. Oh. Wait!
Shit, that must be Angela.
No... No, no, Peter.
Peter, just open the gate.
Peter!
Peter, let me in!
Peter!
Oh, mate.
Ooh!
Shall we check that she's all right?
Oh, balls. Fine.
Better be getting some terrific karma from this.
SHE SOBS
Hi, Angela.
Erm... We're probably the last people you want to see right now,
but, erm...we're Colin Walcott's daughters.
Stupid question, but do you not know the code to your gate?
I use a buzzer thing.
And my phone and my purse and my keys are inside.
Is there someone that we can call for you?
No.
Give me that phone.
Nobody can know about this mess.
No-one was ever meant to know about Colin.
Oh, my God. So it's true, then.
I think I'm actually going to be sick.
SHE EXHALES
This will is ridiculous.
It's, like, a million pages to get through.
We don't have any wine left. Do you think posh people drink Advocaat?
Ah, there you are.
I bet you feel better after that shower, eh, babe?
I have got a bottle of this if you would like it.
CAR APPROACHES
CAR DOORS CLOSE
TESS: Oh, I know, I know.
# Can't stop me... Don't...
# Don't stop me cos I'm having a good time
# Having a good time... # It's you.
Sorry, who are you?
This woman stole my lover
and she is now sitting on MY sofa
and drinking MY Christmas Advocaat.
Oh, how lovely. You must be Angela. How do you do?
You better have a bloody good reason why you're in my house
after what you've done to my family!
What I've done to YOUR family?
Mind your glass, Angela.
What about what you lot have done to mine?
Your daughters blurted out the contents of that dickhead's will
before I'd had chance to explain myself.
That is going to be a bugger if it dries.
Don't you blame our girls!
You've had years to tell that boy the truth!
You're obviously just a dirty little cheater and liar!
Remember the rock. Don't undo your work at the rock.
Everything was fine.
Nobody needed to know.
I hope you're pleased.
You stole another woman's woman's man
and then you have the gall to swan in here,
uninvited, and accuse us of buggering up your life?!
To be fair, I did invite her.
I didn't know there was anybody else
because he told me his wife was dead!
Say what now? Well, she wasn't.
That woman is very much chuffing alive!
So woe betide you if you think I'm going to forgive you!
Woe betide YOU if you think I'm going to forgive YOU!
Don't you woe betide me
because I am woe betiding YOU!
And woe betide anyone who thinks they can tell me who I can
and cannot woe betide in my own house!
Can everyone just shut up, please?!
Damn it. That's going to need a professional clean.
God, I can't hear myself think.
SHE SIGHS
Sorry. I'm just a little confused about this solicitor's letter.
It seems to say that Dad had no money when he died.
No, that's not possible.
What about the house and his savings and the premium bonds?
Give me the paperwork.
It's what I do for a living.
You, give me your glasses.
I've just bought a bloody Ferrari.
Right, well, I hope you kept the receipt cos his estate
barely covered his debts
so you're getting a percentage of nothing.
Nothing?
Well, not nothing, guys.
We've got a brother!
What a BASTARD!
# My, my
# At Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender
# Oh, yeah
# And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way
# The history book on the shelf
# Is always repeating itself
# Waterloo
# I was defeated, you won the war... #