1
00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:05,363
For 30-odd years,
he was my lovely noise.

2
00:00:05,363 --> 00:00:07,043
But it turns out that he had

3
00:00:07,043 --> 00:00:10,443
the same noise going on
with someone else.

4
00:00:10,443 --> 00:00:13,003
Dad had an affair,
not great, but because of it,

5
00:00:13,003 --> 00:00:14,563
you got a sister. You got me.

6
00:00:14,563 --> 00:00:17,883
I forgive you, Colin Walcott.

7
00:00:17,883 --> 00:00:19,363
It's very straightforward.

8
00:00:19,363 --> 00:00:20,443
The majority of it goes

9
00:00:20,443 --> 00:00:23,003
to Tess as his lawful wedded wife,

10
00:00:23,003 --> 00:00:26,243
and the rest of it's divided equally
between the three children.

11
00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:28,123
Sorry, what do you mean,
three children?

12
00:00:28,123 --> 00:00:32,443
You've got a brother.
He's called Callum.

13
00:00:32,443 --> 00:00:35,083
Oi, Callum, what are you drinking?

14
00:00:35,083 --> 00:00:37,963
No!

15
00:00:37,963 --> 00:00:45,003
This programme contains
some strong language

16
00:00:47,883 --> 00:00:49,363
Cathy?

17
00:00:50,923 --> 00:00:53,763
Oh, Cath...Cath?

18
00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,563
Water. I need water.

19
00:00:59,123 --> 00:01:02,003
I'm still drunk. Oh.

20
00:01:03,483 --> 00:01:06,043
I've never been more pleased
to see a tap.

21
00:01:06,043 --> 00:01:07,403
Oh.

22
00:01:10,323 --> 00:01:12,883
Oh, God, last night was mental,
weren't it, Cathy?

23
00:01:13,843 --> 00:01:15,083
Cathy?

24
00:01:15,083 --> 00:01:17,443
Oh, shit.

25
00:01:17,443 --> 00:01:19,283
Did that fit builder
give me a love bite?

26
00:01:19,283 --> 00:01:21,523
Yeah. You snogged the face off him.
Oh.

27
00:01:21,523 --> 00:01:23,123
Can you seriously not remember
any of

28
00:01:23,123 --> 00:01:25,123
the shit that happened last night?

29
00:01:25,123 --> 00:01:28,363
Oh. I wish I did.
Oh, he was a hottie.

30
00:01:28,363 --> 00:01:30,683
Come on.
I think that deserves a high five.

31
00:01:31,683 --> 00:01:35,883
No? You're just jealous I got
a piece of the hot-guy pie.

32
00:01:35,883 --> 00:01:38,083
Right, Cathy.

33
00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:40,443
I can't believe I'm telling you
this again,

34
00:01:40,443 --> 00:01:42,483
but do you know the guy
who gave you the love bite?

35
00:01:42,483 --> 00:01:47,363
Very much.  Well, there's a strong
possibility that he's our brother.

36
00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:53,563
Very funny.
It's an oldie but it's a goodie.

37
00:01:53,563 --> 00:01:56,723
No, Cath, listen. Listen to me.
Our mums rang, yeah?

38
00:01:56,723 --> 00:01:58,723
And they said that
they found the will,

39
00:01:58,723 --> 00:02:01,923
and that we have a brother,
and he was there in the pub,

40
00:02:01,923 --> 00:02:03,923
and it's properly messed up.

41
00:02:03,923 --> 00:02:06,163
We've got a brother
and he's called Callum.

42
00:02:06,163 --> 00:02:08,603
I mean, it's sort of less funny
the more you make of it.

43
00:02:08,603 --> 00:02:12,523
No, no, I'm not lying.
I swear down on my dad's life.

44
00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:16,123
He's dead.  Yeah. I mean,
last year I was an only child,

45
00:02:16,123 --> 00:02:19,443
and now I've got a big sister
and a little brother.

46
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:20,723
Oh, my God, you're serious.

47
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:23,923
Yeah. I am. It's wicked, innit?

48
00:02:25,323 --> 00:02:28,323
Oh, God. I need to wash my mouth.

49
00:02:29,603 --> 00:02:32,043
I need to wash my brother
out of my mouth.

50
00:02:32,043 --> 00:02:33,203
Oh!

51
00:02:36,403 --> 00:02:38,643
Oh.

52
00:02:40,083 --> 00:02:42,923
# Hey, sister, go, sister,
soul sister... #

53
00:02:42,923 --> 00:02:45,483
I can't even put into words

54
00:02:45,483 --> 00:02:49,083
the sheer cockery of that prick.

55
00:02:49,083 --> 00:02:52,403
I mean, how many women
was he shagging?

56
00:02:52,403 --> 00:02:55,603
You actually just need a soupcon.
It doesn't matter.

57
00:02:55,603 --> 00:02:58,323
Mm. I have no gag reflex.

58
00:02:58,323 --> 00:02:59,603
That explains a lot.

59
00:02:59,603 --> 00:03:02,403
I know where she lives,
you know. Callum's mother.

60
00:03:02,403 --> 00:03:06,243
It's all in the will.
She's called Angela.

61
00:03:06,243 --> 00:03:10,883
"Hi, I'm Angela."
Angel-arse, more like.

62
00:03:10,883 --> 00:03:13,443
Vagangela.
Angela, aren't you a bitch?

63
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:16,723
All right. I get it.
Been there, done that,

64
00:03:16,723 --> 00:03:20,643
burnt his T-shirts.
But...look at yourself.

65
00:03:20,643 --> 00:03:22,643
You're out and about.

66
00:03:22,643 --> 00:03:24,963
Yesterday you were
a veritable recluse.

67
00:03:24,963 --> 00:03:28,643
Today, you're feasting on
king prawns.

68
00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:30,323
How are you not raging?

69
00:03:32,043 --> 00:03:35,203
Something happened to me
in that car park yesterday.

70
00:03:35,203 --> 00:03:38,523
A Damascene conversion.

71
00:03:38,523 --> 00:03:41,923
I climbed up on that rock
and I forgave him.

72
00:03:41,923 --> 00:03:44,723
I forgave Colin for
the lying and the cheating

73
00:03:44,723 --> 00:03:47,043
and, well, generally being dead.

74
00:03:47,043 --> 00:03:49,243
Are you eating that?

75
00:03:49,243 --> 00:03:52,723
I did nothing for myself
the whole time we were married.

76
00:03:52,723 --> 00:03:55,523
I just gave.
Here I gave, there I gave,

77
00:03:55,523 --> 00:03:57,643
everywhere I gave, gave.

78
00:03:57,643 --> 00:04:01,083
Well, do you know whose turn
it is to give back now?

79
00:04:01,083 --> 00:04:02,603
Old MacDonald?

80
00:04:02,603 --> 00:04:06,563
Colin. It's time Colin gave back.

81
00:04:06,563 --> 00:04:09,323
And I know you weren't
mentioned in the will,

82
00:04:09,323 --> 00:04:13,643
but I'm about to inherit
a large chunk of his estate,

83
00:04:13,643 --> 00:04:16,923
and I think it's time
we had a bit of fun.

84
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,763
Ah. I'll drink to that.

85
00:04:19,763 --> 00:04:23,043
So, here's what's on my
grand to-do list.

86
00:04:23,043 --> 00:04:24,723
I'm going to drink this champagne.

87
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,923
I'm going to book a fancy holiday,

88
00:04:26,923 --> 00:04:30,723
and then I'm going to buy
a ridiculous sports car.

89
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:35,123
What's top of your list?
Go to that bitch's house.

90
00:04:35,123 --> 00:04:36,363
Smashing.

91
00:04:37,923 --> 00:04:39,563
Cathy, we're here.

92
00:04:42,243 --> 00:04:44,683
Well, er, thank you for the lift,

93
00:04:44,683 --> 00:04:46,723
and for the lovely honeymoon.

94
00:04:46,723 --> 00:04:49,403
Bar the last bit,
which was horrific.

95
00:04:49,403 --> 00:04:50,963
Babe, we need to talk about Callum.

96
00:04:50,963 --> 00:04:52,643
No, no, no, we don't.

97
00:04:52,643 --> 00:04:54,523
We've got to find him.
He's our blood.

98
00:04:54,523 --> 00:04:56,723
And he deserves to know
he has two sisters.

99
00:04:56,723 --> 00:04:59,523
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
He doesn't know?

100
00:04:59,523 --> 00:05:02,083
No, you were sick in his shoe,
so he left before I could tell him.

101
00:05:02,083 --> 00:05:03,643
Oh, my God.

102
00:05:03,643 --> 00:05:06,283
Oh, Cathy, I think
you're overreacting.

103
00:05:06,283 --> 00:05:08,643
How am I supposed to react?

104
00:05:08,643 --> 00:05:11,803
I may have French kissed a sibling.

105
00:05:11,803 --> 00:05:13,963
Babe, the tongue wants
who the tongue wants.

106
00:05:13,963 --> 00:05:16,363
Oh, my God. Have I broken
the law? If I Google it,

107
00:05:16,363 --> 00:05:18,483
can I get arrested
for my search history?

108
00:05:18,483 --> 00:05:21,723
Cathy. Listen, listen.
Calm down, OK?

109
00:05:21,723 --> 00:05:25,443
Rewind. Look, we might
have found a half brother.

110
00:05:25,443 --> 00:05:27,403
Our brother.

111
00:05:27,403 --> 00:05:29,843
This is a sign from Dad.
This is meant to be.

112
00:05:32,683 --> 00:05:35,803
You can go down the wormhole
of mystical signs if you want,

113
00:05:35,803 --> 00:05:39,203
OK? But I'm a realist.
This year I have lost my dad,

114
00:05:39,203 --> 00:05:40,643
I've been dumped at the altar,

115
00:05:40,643 --> 00:05:42,923
and I've just snogged
my long-lost brother.

116
00:05:42,923 --> 00:05:47,203
So if the universe is telling me
anything, it's to sort my shit out.

117
00:05:47,203 --> 00:05:50,603
Fine. Here, can I use your bog?

118
00:05:50,603 --> 00:05:53,123
I think I've got cystitis
from these sequins.

119
00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:02,763
Oh, dear.

120
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,523
Oh, my God!

121
00:06:04,523 --> 00:06:07,563
Oh, is that somebody
arrived already?

122
00:06:07,563 --> 00:06:11,043
Oh. Er... Sorry,
I wasn't expecting...

123
00:06:11,043 --> 00:06:13,563
Er...  What is she doing
in my house?

124
00:06:13,563 --> 00:06:15,483
Well, it's half my house,

125
00:06:15,483 --> 00:06:17,003
and...

126
00:06:17,003 --> 00:06:19,963
..your mum said you weren't back
for another couple of days.

127
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:22,043
Sorry, what are you doing
texting my mum?

128
00:06:22,043 --> 00:06:24,243
Because she needed my
Times paywall login.

129
00:06:24,243 --> 00:06:26,723
Look, it's a bit awkward

130
00:06:26,723 --> 00:06:29,443
but we're having a few people
over for Meredith.

131
00:06:29,443 --> 00:06:31,363
KNOCKING AT DOOR

132
00:06:33,203 --> 00:06:35,483
On your marks, set, bake.

133
00:06:37,523 --> 00:06:40,243
Oh. Have I got the wrong night?

134
00:06:40,243 --> 00:06:42,723
It is the first episode of
Bake Off tonight, isn't it?

135
00:06:42,723 --> 00:06:46,243
Meredith's in the new series of
The Great British Bake Off.

136
00:06:46,243 --> 00:06:49,123
What the actual F?

137
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,443
Frankie, let me take your coat.
Thank you.

138
00:06:52,443 --> 00:06:55,163
Yeah. I filmed it over the summer
but I wasn't allowed to tell

139
00:06:55,163 --> 00:06:56,923
a soul - apart from Marcus,
obviously.

140
00:06:56,923 --> 00:06:59,963
That's for you, my love.  Oh!

141
00:06:59,963 --> 00:07:03,883
You know, the Radio Times called you
"the crumpet lover's crumpet".

142
00:07:03,883 --> 00:07:06,123
Oh, hardly!

143
00:07:06,123 --> 00:07:08,403
Sorry. What is happening, Marcus?

144
00:07:08,403 --> 00:07:10,163
We're just having a few people over,

145
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:14,403
and Meredith's place is too small,
and our telly's way better.

146
00:07:14,403 --> 00:07:17,363
Hiya, I'm Frankie,
by the way. This is fun,

147
00:07:17,363 --> 00:07:18,963
isn't it?

148
00:07:18,963 --> 00:07:21,083
Wish I'd made an effort like
you two.

149
00:07:21,083 --> 00:07:22,403
No. No, no.

150
00:07:22,403 --> 00:07:24,843
Cathy and Cat aren't staying.
They're just about to leave.

151
00:07:24,843 --> 00:07:27,763
I don't know what to say, Marcus.
I mean,

152
00:07:27,763 --> 00:07:32,163
not only have you invited this
woman to live in my house,

153
00:07:32,163 --> 00:07:36,363
but she's also infiltrated my
favourite television show

154
00:07:36,363 --> 00:07:40,883
in the entire world.
I mean, is nothing sacred?

155
00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:43,643
And as for you, Mere,
like, all I want to do

156
00:07:43,643 --> 00:07:46,483
is ask you if
Prue Leith is as fun as she seems,

157
00:07:46,483 --> 00:07:49,443
but I can't.
Because you stole my bloody fiance.

158
00:07:49,443 --> 00:07:52,443
Is Prue as fun as she seems?
Oh, she's the best.

159
00:07:52,443 --> 00:07:53,643
Damnit.

160
00:07:53,643 --> 00:07:57,363
Oh, what's...
Is your neck all right?

161
00:07:57,363 --> 00:07:59,403
Er...  If you must know, Marcus,

162
00:07:59,403 --> 00:08:02,123
it's a love bite
from a dead sexy model.

163
00:08:02,123 --> 00:08:03,523
You go, girl.

164
00:08:03,523 --> 00:08:05,083
Not that it's any of your business.

165
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:07,363
Right, Cathy, come on, we're going.

166
00:08:07,363 --> 00:08:08,683
Can I just say something?

167
00:08:08,683 --> 00:08:11,123
Because I don't give a
self-raising shit about Bake Off.

168
00:08:11,123 --> 00:08:12,843
I hope you get knocked out
first round,

169
00:08:12,843 --> 00:08:15,723
and I hope you choke
on a fondant fancy.

170
00:08:15,723 --> 00:08:17,043
Hey!

171
00:08:17,043 --> 00:08:18,603
Nice to meet you, Frankie.

172
00:08:19,763 --> 00:08:22,043
ALL: Hey!

173
00:08:24,843 --> 00:08:28,683
# I'm so tired of working
every day... #

174
00:08:28,683 --> 00:08:29,883
KNOCKING ON DOOR

175
00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:33,563
I brought you some cake
to cheer you up.

176
00:08:33,563 --> 00:08:34,643
Thanks, Mum.

177
00:08:37,163 --> 00:08:39,523
Ouch. What happened to your neck?

178
00:08:39,523 --> 00:08:43,123
Oh. It's chafing
from my life jacket.

179
00:08:45,243 --> 00:08:47,603
Cathy. I know.

180
00:08:48,603 --> 00:08:51,203
I know everything and it's awful.

181
00:08:52,883 --> 00:08:54,803
So, out of solidarity,

182
00:08:54,803 --> 00:08:58,723
I'll be watching Bake Off
on catch-up and not live.

183
00:08:58,723 --> 00:09:01,243
They don't deserve
my viewing figure.

184
00:09:01,243 --> 00:09:03,963
Oh. Cheers.

185
00:09:03,963 --> 00:09:07,323
Mum, do you think you could
stop texting Marcus, please?

186
00:09:07,323 --> 00:09:08,883
I know it's weird,

187
00:09:08,883 --> 00:09:11,083
and of course I'm not happy about
what he's done to you,

188
00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:15,323
but trust me when I say
Marcus dumping you...

189
00:09:15,323 --> 00:09:17,803
I dumped him.
Exactly. That's what I mean.

190
00:09:17,803 --> 00:09:20,523
You didn't want to
be with him anyway.

191
00:09:20,523 --> 00:09:23,123
Honestly, as soon as you move on,

192
00:09:23,123 --> 00:09:25,763
amazing things will happen.

193
00:09:25,763 --> 00:09:27,883
I forgave your father.

194
00:09:27,883 --> 00:09:31,763
Next thing you know, I'm off to
a Saga singles resort in Morocco.

195
00:09:31,763 --> 00:09:36,043
What?  Your dead father's paying,
so Marrakech, here I come.

196
00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:38,083
I might even have a go on a hookah.

197
00:09:38,083 --> 00:09:39,243
Right.

198
00:09:42,923 --> 00:09:44,403
Is this my wedding cake?

199
00:09:44,403 --> 00:09:47,403
Yes. Yeah. I mean, it seemed
a shame to waste it

200
00:09:47,403 --> 00:09:49,643
so I shoved it in the freezer.

201
00:09:50,683 --> 00:09:54,003
Of course, with hindsight, I should
have asked Meredith to bake...

202
00:09:55,403 --> 00:09:56,523
It doesn't matter.

203
00:09:56,523 --> 00:09:58,363
SHE SOBS

204
00:10:03,843 --> 00:10:05,243
Mum.

205
00:10:10,003 --> 00:10:11,163
Where are you?

206
00:10:17,843 --> 00:10:20,243
PHONE RINGS

207
00:10:24,203 --> 00:10:27,443
Mum, where are you?
You're never not at home.

208
00:10:27,443 --> 00:10:31,043
Erm, I've just popped out
for a bit of...

209
00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:32,083
..fresh air.

210
00:10:32,083 --> 00:10:34,523
I'll be back in a bit.
All right, bye now.

211
00:10:34,523 --> 00:10:35,763
What?

212
00:10:42,243 --> 00:10:43,683
Guess who just poached

213
00:10:43,683 --> 00:10:48,123
the Dutch route?
I knew they'd crumble.

214
00:10:48,123 --> 00:10:51,083
Ange, they're still there.

215
00:10:51,083 --> 00:10:53,083
They've been out there
for over an hour.

216
00:10:53,083 --> 00:10:55,323
I might message the street
WhatsApp group.

217
00:10:55,323 --> 00:10:56,843
TIMER BEEPS

218
00:10:56,843 --> 00:10:58,563
Oh, that'll be the pork loins.

219
00:10:58,563 --> 00:11:00,683
Mm. Wouldn't mind some
of your loins later.

220
00:11:02,043 --> 00:11:03,763
Callum, dinner.

221
00:11:14,563 --> 00:11:17,603
Hello. I'd like to
buy a car, please.

222
00:11:17,603 --> 00:11:20,043
Eric. Fiat customer for you.

223
00:11:20,043 --> 00:11:21,163
ERIC SIGHS

224
00:11:21,163 --> 00:11:22,763
Good day. How may I help you?

225
00:11:22,763 --> 00:11:24,403
Yes, I'd, erm...

226
00:11:24,403 --> 00:11:28,003
I'd like to test drive that
sexy little red number.

227
00:11:28,003 --> 00:11:29,163
The Ferrari.

228
00:11:29,163 --> 00:11:31,883
Oh la la.
Is that what it is? Fancy.

229
00:11:31,883 --> 00:11:33,323
Do you take credit cards?

230
00:11:33,323 --> 00:11:36,763
And also should I wear
these driving shoes?

231
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:40,483
Sorry, I was caught up there.
I can take you for the test drive.

232
00:11:40,483 --> 00:11:43,763
Too late.
I'm off with young Eric here.

233
00:11:43,763 --> 00:11:45,123
After you, my good lady.

234
00:11:48,203 --> 00:11:51,323
Big mistake. Big, huge.

235
00:11:54,763 --> 00:11:56,323
# Pretty woman! #

236
00:11:56,323 --> 00:11:57,483
Oh, shit-bits,

237
00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:59,283
Deliveroo's put me
on another warning

238
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:01,643
because my old phone
accepted four deliveries at

239
00:12:01,643 --> 00:12:02,963
the bottom of the canal.

240
00:12:02,963 --> 00:12:06,403
Yeah. I've got two text
messages from Marcus,

241
00:12:06,403 --> 00:12:08,563
16 missed calls from your mum,

242
00:12:08,563 --> 00:12:11,443
and a voicemail from
an unknown number.

243
00:12:11,443 --> 00:12:14,403
VOICE MESSAGE:
Hi, Cathy. It's, erm, Callum.

244
00:12:14,403 --> 00:12:16,923
Oh, yes, mate.  I think
I'm going to have a panic attack.

245
00:12:16,923 --> 00:12:19,003
Just calling to say
you owe me £80 for

246
00:12:19,003 --> 00:12:20,523
a new pair of trainers.

247
00:12:20,523 --> 00:12:23,443
Or, you can buy me a drink
to make up for puking on my shoes

248
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:27,363
the other night. Your call. Er,
yeah, this is Callum, by the way,

249
00:12:27,363 --> 00:12:31,523
or "the sex horse", as you kept
calling me. Anyway, gimme a bell.

250
00:12:31,523 --> 00:12:34,203
Right, message him back, say that
you'll meet him this afternoon.

251
00:12:34,203 --> 00:12:35,883
Don't say that we're related.

252
00:12:35,883 --> 00:12:38,003
You want me to catfish
my own brother?

253
00:12:38,003 --> 00:12:40,003
Cathy-fish.

254
00:12:40,003 --> 00:12:41,403
Look. He's half our dad.

255
00:12:41,403 --> 00:12:43,963
Imagine if you refused
to meet me a year ago.

256
00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:46,683
I'm like the best thing
that's ever happened to you.

257
00:12:48,963 --> 00:12:51,203
I can't believe
I'm going to do this.

258
00:12:51,203 --> 00:12:53,923
Are you free this afternoon?

259
00:12:53,923 --> 00:12:56,683
Bit forward. Ha.
I hate you.

260
00:12:59,603 --> 00:13:03,643
MUSIC: The Night
by Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons

261
00:13:11,603 --> 00:13:12,763
BEEPING

262
00:13:32,883 --> 00:13:33,923
Aaargh!

263
00:13:33,923 --> 00:13:36,483
Stay down! Stay down! Security!

264
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:37,523
OK, it's fine.

265
00:13:37,523 --> 00:13:39,043
It's going to be fine.

266
00:13:39,043 --> 00:13:41,083
Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

267
00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:43,603
Oh, Cath, man.
You've either got a brother

268
00:13:43,603 --> 00:13:45,603
or you've snogged a model.
It's win-win, innit?

269
00:13:45,603 --> 00:13:47,363
Oh, God, there he is.

270
00:13:47,363 --> 00:13:48,803
What-ho!

271
00:13:48,803 --> 00:13:51,123
Why'd you say that?  Hey.
I don't want to sound flirty.

272
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,443
So why are you calling him a ho?

273
00:13:52,443 --> 00:13:55,323
It's a ye olde English phrase.
Not like a ho ho.

274
00:13:55,323 --> 00:13:57,083
All right, Father Christmas.

275
00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:58,563
Hiya.  Hey.

276
00:13:58,563 --> 00:14:00,923
You don't mind if I tag along too,
do you?

277
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,163
Like a threesome?

278
00:14:02,163 --> 00:14:04,763
Not a threesome.
Absolutely not a threesome.

279
00:14:04,763 --> 00:14:06,123
Oi, Cal, is that you?

280
00:14:06,123 --> 00:14:09,563
Ah. I was hoping you wouldn't
notice that.

281
00:14:09,563 --> 00:14:11,483
So embarrassing.  Heh.

282
00:14:11,483 --> 00:14:12,923
You all right, Cathy?

283
00:14:12,923 --> 00:14:14,043
Oh, just the cheek.

284
00:14:14,043 --> 00:14:15,363
Oh.  Thank you.

285
00:14:19,923 --> 00:14:21,363
It's very big, isn't it?

286
00:14:21,363 --> 00:14:22,643
I mean, the-the poster.

287
00:14:22,643 --> 00:14:26,523
The hoarding itself is...is...
is very large.

288
00:14:27,523 --> 00:14:31,443
So, Callum, what do your mum and dad
make of your modelling career?

289
00:14:31,443 --> 00:14:35,043
Assuming you do indeed have
a mother and a father?

290
00:14:35,043 --> 00:14:37,723
Er, yeah.
Yeah, I've got a mum and dad.

291
00:14:37,723 --> 00:14:42,443
Fantastic. And do you come from a
long line of underwear models or...?

292
00:14:42,443 --> 00:14:45,603
Ha-ha! No. God, no.
My dad's, like, 5'6.

293
00:14:45,603 --> 00:14:48,123
Oh, really?  Yeah. It really annoys
him. I can pick him up.

294
00:14:48,123 --> 00:14:49,643
Ha.

295
00:14:49,643 --> 00:14:54,923
So, er, the other night was...
fun, wasn't it?

296
00:14:54,923 --> 00:15:00,283
So, listen, erm... I need to talk
to you about something, but...

297
00:15:00,283 --> 00:15:02,323
Hold on. Can I just go for a piss?

298
00:15:02,323 --> 00:15:06,843
Now?  Yes, now.
It's the sequin cystitis.

299
00:15:06,843 --> 00:15:08,523
Fine, go.

300
00:15:11,723 --> 00:15:13,283
Just wait for her to come back.

301
00:15:13,283 --> 00:15:15,163
Ah, rose for the beautiful lady?

302
00:15:15,163 --> 00:15:16,643
Oh, no. I'm fine, thank you.

303
00:15:16,643 --> 00:15:19,723
Yeah. I'll get one.  Oh, no, you
really don't have to do that.

304
00:15:19,723 --> 00:15:22,403
It's fine, honestly. Don't worry.

305
00:15:22,403 --> 00:15:27,643
Thank you.
What a, er...lovely thing that is.

306
00:15:27,643 --> 00:15:29,363
Have you told him yet?  Told me what?

307
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:31,483
No. I just, erm...

308
00:15:31,483 --> 00:15:35,003
OK, well, I've written down a few
notes on my phone so I'll just...

309
00:15:37,243 --> 00:15:42,803
OK, so, I want to start by saying,
wow, gosh, thank you so much

310
00:15:42,803 --> 00:15:46,803
for your kind invitation and for
reaching out to me and getting...

311
00:15:46,803 --> 00:15:49,363
Cal, mate, is your mum
called Angela?

312
00:15:49,363 --> 00:15:50,523
Er, yeah.

313
00:15:50,523 --> 00:15:54,203
Do you live at Acre House,
Swallowdale Lane?

314
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,483
Yeah.

315
00:15:55,483 --> 00:15:57,243
OK, last questi-on-ey.

316
00:15:57,243 --> 00:15:58,883
Erm...

317
00:15:58,883 --> 00:16:00,563
Do you know this guy?

318
00:16:01,803 --> 00:16:03,563
Colin? Yeah.

319
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:07,443
He was the quiz guy at the pub. Why?

320
00:16:07,443 --> 00:16:12,283
OK, do you want the good newses
or the bad newses?

321
00:16:12,283 --> 00:16:14,323
Why are you saying "newses"?

322
00:16:14,323 --> 00:16:17,243
There's more than one bit
of bad news so it's newses.

323
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:18,523
What's going on?

324
00:16:18,523 --> 00:16:22,723
OK, well, the bad newses is that
Cathy here, she's your sister,

325
00:16:22,723 --> 00:16:26,483
as am I, cos Colin the pub guy,
well, he's all of our dads.

326
00:16:26,483 --> 00:16:29,803
And the other bad newses is that,
erm, our dad is dead.

327
00:16:31,203 --> 00:16:32,323
Sorry.

328
00:16:32,323 --> 00:16:36,763
But the good news is you're going
to inherit a sizeable package.

329
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:39,563
And you've got two
brand-spanking-new sisters.

330
00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:41,883
Oh, heh-heh...  I've got a
screen grab of the will.

331
00:16:41,883 --> 00:16:45,803
Our dad couldn't treat us equally
in life so he wanted to in death.

332
00:16:45,803 --> 00:16:48,843
That's the sort of bloke
that he was, eh?

333
00:16:48,843 --> 00:16:50,963
Hang on, but we kissed...

334
00:16:50,963 --> 00:16:53,723
Ah, another beautiful lady.
You want to buy a rose?

335
00:16:53,723 --> 00:16:54,763
ALL: No.

336
00:17:04,843 --> 00:17:07,443
I've come to retrieve my friend.

337
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:10,323
Did you just call me "friend"? Aww.

338
00:17:10,323 --> 00:17:12,723
Oh, Marilyn, this is Eric,

339
00:17:12,723 --> 00:17:15,443
who's kindly agreed to accompany
us on this test drive.

340
00:17:15,443 --> 00:17:18,043
Eric, this is my late
husband's lover, Marilyn.

341
00:17:18,043 --> 00:17:19,963
Good God,
this is getting better and better.

342
00:17:19,963 --> 00:17:23,163
Right. Buckle up for a joy ride.

343
00:17:23,163 --> 00:17:25,963
I hope that bitch Angela saw me
driving off in a Ferrari.

344
00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:29,243
LINE RINGS

345
00:17:29,243 --> 00:17:30,443
No, my mum's not picking up.

346
00:17:30,443 --> 00:17:32,883
God. This is mental.

347
00:17:32,883 --> 00:17:34,803
This is mental.

348
00:17:34,803 --> 00:17:36,403
So, just to categorically say that

349
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:39,323
this is just as bad for me as it is
for you, except I didn't just find

350
00:17:39,323 --> 00:17:42,243
out my dad wasn't my real dad
and that my biologic father is dead,

351
00:17:42,243 --> 00:17:44,363
and, OK, yeah,
I'll stop talking now.

352
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:47,043
Oh... I-I need to talk to my mum.

353
00:17:47,043 --> 00:17:49,723
Oh... Think I'm going to cry.

354
00:17:49,723 --> 00:17:52,683
Oh... He cries like Sinead O'Connor.

355
00:17:52,683 --> 00:17:54,083
It's beautiful.

356
00:17:54,083 --> 00:17:57,443
Oi, Cal, we'll give you
a lift if you like.

357
00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:58,643
Will we?

358
00:18:02,563 --> 00:18:04,803
You should have seen her
on that running machine.

359
00:18:04,803 --> 00:18:06,923
All smug as though her arse crack

360
00:18:06,923 --> 00:18:09,523
wasn't sweating
like everyone else's.

361
00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:11,043
God, she makes me sick.

362
00:18:11,043 --> 00:18:14,123
Eric, darling, what's
the top speed on this baby?

363
00:18:14,123 --> 00:18:16,923
I'll level with you, Tess -
I've absolutely no idea about cars.

364
00:18:16,923 --> 00:18:20,803
Oh. Then why, may I ask, are you
working for a garage?

365
00:18:20,803 --> 00:18:23,203
Cos it's my stepfather's place
and I owe him 2½ grand for a

366
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,963
first-edition Toni Morrison novel
that I bought with his PayPal.

367
00:18:25,963 --> 00:18:28,483
Oh, my God. That is wonderful.

368
00:18:29,843 --> 00:18:32,723
Good for you for
pursuing your passions.

369
00:18:32,723 --> 00:18:35,683
I spent years not even
knowing what mine were.

370
00:18:35,683 --> 00:18:37,363
But not any more -
am I right, Marilyn?

371
00:18:37,363 --> 00:18:40,443
I'm too angry to talk.
I just want to go home.

372
00:18:40,443 --> 00:18:43,523
Oh, what, and sit festering
on your farty old sofa

373
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:45,443
for another 20-odd years?

374
00:18:45,443 --> 00:18:47,083
Not on my watch.

375
00:18:47,083 --> 00:18:48,523
You know, if nothing else,

376
00:18:48,523 --> 00:18:51,003
stalking Angela has got you
out in the fresh air.

377
00:18:51,003 --> 00:18:56,283
Eric, sweetie, if I were to spunk
some of my inheritance on this car,

378
00:18:56,283 --> 00:18:58,443
would the commission
clear your debt?

379
00:18:58,443 --> 00:19:00,603
Oh, my God, yes!

380
00:19:00,603 --> 00:19:03,163
In that case, I'll take it.

381
00:19:03,163 --> 00:19:04,763
I love it.

382
00:19:04,763 --> 00:19:07,203
Now, do you mind if we
take a little diversion?

383
00:19:07,203 --> 00:19:09,523
Go for your life. It's your car.

384
00:19:12,003 --> 00:19:14,043
Wait, now where are you taking us?

385
00:19:15,083 --> 00:19:17,883
It's probably some weird
admin error, right?

386
00:19:17,883 --> 00:19:20,563
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's probably
just some sort of silly mix-up.

387
00:19:20,563 --> 00:19:24,083
Well, fingers crossed it's not and,
whatever happens, we'll be here.

388
00:19:25,083 --> 00:19:27,283
Yeah?  Right.

389
00:19:30,083 --> 00:19:32,443
Good luck. Not that you'll need it

390
00:19:32,443 --> 00:19:35,563
cos it's probably just
a silly mix-up, right?

391
00:19:35,563 --> 00:19:36,883
Oh...

392
00:19:36,883 --> 00:19:40,443
Ooh. God, look at the gates.
It's like Beverly Hills.

393
00:19:40,443 --> 00:19:43,363
Oh, God!

394
00:19:43,363 --> 00:19:46,323
Babe! We've all got off with
people that we shouldn't have.

395
00:19:46,323 --> 00:19:48,083
I mean, I got off with this one lad

396
00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:51,963
it turns out sold illegally
imported snakes on the dark web.

397
00:19:53,963 --> 00:19:55,723
Oh, shit, who's that?

398
00:19:57,843 --> 00:20:00,043
What are you doing
outside my house?

399
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:04,643
Oh, erm... We are, erm...
Callum's, er...

400
00:20:04,643 --> 00:20:06,283
We are models. Yeah.

401
00:20:06,283 --> 00:20:08,763
We have just done a photoshoot
with him for Gucci.

402
00:20:08,763 --> 00:20:11,323
I'm Cat and this is my sister,
Cathy.

403
00:20:11,323 --> 00:20:13,443
Hi.  Oh, lovely.

404
00:20:13,443 --> 00:20:15,723
I'm Peter, Callum's dad.

405
00:20:15,723 --> 00:20:17,523
Sorry to be such a nosy parker,

406
00:20:17,523 --> 00:20:21,203
it's just that we've had a lot of
problem with loiterers recently.

407
00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:24,083
Anyway, you have
a lovely afternoon, OK?

408
00:20:24,083 --> 00:20:26,523
Come on, Tina. Let's go.

409
00:20:26,523 --> 00:20:28,523
What a charmer.

410
00:20:28,523 --> 00:20:30,163
Just makes it worse.

411
00:20:47,803 --> 00:20:49,123
Come on, get out of the car.

412
00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,443
I don't like fresh air.

413
00:20:50,443 --> 00:20:53,363
Put your shoes on
and get out of the car.

414
00:20:53,363 --> 00:20:54,963
Don't make me count to five.

415
00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:56,043
SHE SCOFFS

416
00:20:56,043 --> 00:20:57,083
Fine.

417
00:20:59,203 --> 00:21:03,683
I haven't been back here since we...
exploded Colin's ashes.

418
00:21:03,683 --> 00:21:05,163
Right. Come on.

419
00:21:07,883 --> 00:21:11,763
So, what I want you to do
is to get up on that rock

420
00:21:11,763 --> 00:21:14,323
and release the anger, OK?

421
00:21:14,323 --> 00:21:17,803
Just get up there and shout,
"I forgive you, Colin Walcott,"

422
00:21:17,803 --> 00:21:19,243
and empty out your soul.

423
00:21:19,243 --> 00:21:21,603
This is stupid.

424
00:21:21,603 --> 00:21:24,043
Do you know who you remind me of?

425
00:21:24,043 --> 00:21:25,723
Me, 24 hours ago.

426
00:21:27,163 --> 00:21:32,963
Yesterday I was just a
big bloody ball of hatred,

427
00:21:32,963 --> 00:21:37,243
but today, I own a Ferrari.

428
00:21:37,243 --> 00:21:41,243
So, come on, get up
there and forgive him.

429
00:21:42,763 --> 00:21:44,203
That's it. Are you all right?

430
00:21:44,203 --> 00:21:45,483
Yes.  Good.

431
00:21:46,843 --> 00:21:48,243
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

432
00:21:50,123 --> 00:21:51,923
I for...

433
00:21:51,923 --> 00:21:53,163
I for...

434
00:21:53,163 --> 00:21:55,283
Come on, you can do
better than that.

435
00:21:57,883 --> 00:21:59,723
I forgive you.

436
00:21:59,723 --> 00:22:03,363
Marilyn, let it go.

437
00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:11,563
I FORGIVE YOU, COLIN WALCOTT!

438
00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:14,683
VOICE CARRIES LOUDLY

439
00:22:14,683 --> 00:22:15,723
Oh!

440
00:22:16,923 --> 00:22:18,403
Can you shut up?

441
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:21,803
We're trying to watch some
fucking mistle thrushes here!

442
00:22:21,803 --> 00:22:22,843
I'm sorry.

443
00:22:25,403 --> 00:22:28,123
You know, Cath, man,
one day, we'll laugh about this

444
00:22:28,123 --> 00:22:30,323
and it'll be a funny little story

445
00:22:30,323 --> 00:22:32,963
about the time you
and Uncle Callum...

446
00:22:32,963 --> 00:22:36,003
No, no, no.
This will not be spoken of.

447
00:22:36,003 --> 00:22:38,323
What has happened to me?

448
00:22:38,323 --> 00:22:41,523
This is the sort of thing that
happens to messy, messed-up people

449
00:22:41,523 --> 00:22:43,843
like you. Sorry, sorry.

450
00:22:43,843 --> 00:22:46,643
No, fair enough. I mean,
I probably would have snogged him,

451
00:22:46,643 --> 00:22:48,763
but you got in there first.

452
00:22:48,763 --> 00:22:51,083
This is the wake-up call
I need, Cat.

453
00:22:51,083 --> 00:22:53,083
I need to get back to basics.

454
00:22:53,083 --> 00:22:55,123
I need to sort out
my golden triangle.

455
00:22:55,123 --> 00:22:57,523
Is that like a pubic-hair thing?

456
00:22:57,523 --> 00:22:59,883
No... No. Look.

457
00:22:59,883 --> 00:23:01,963
OK, Dad used to swear by it.

458
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:05,003
It's this idea that there are
three parts to happiness, OK?

459
00:23:05,003 --> 00:23:08,123
Work, family and love.

460
00:23:08,123 --> 00:23:12,923
Whoa. That's like proper Illuminati
shit. They love a triangle.

461
00:23:12,923 --> 00:23:15,523
So, circling back
to my golden triangle,

462
00:23:15,523 --> 00:23:18,603
by Dad's first anniversary,
I'm going to have a better job,

463
00:23:18,603 --> 00:23:22,283
a brilliant boyfriend and have
healthy, functional relationships

464
00:23:22,283 --> 00:23:23,803
with the women in my family.

465
00:23:23,803 --> 00:23:26,363
And stop snogging
the men in your family.

466
00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:28,203
Yes, very funny.

467
00:23:31,843 --> 00:23:34,763
Callum!  Leave me alone!
Oh, Callum! Wait!

468
00:23:34,763 --> 00:23:36,723
Oh, God.  Oh.  Wait!

469
00:23:36,723 --> 00:23:39,483
Shit, that must be Angela.

470
00:23:39,483 --> 00:23:40,763
No... No, no, Peter.

471
00:23:40,763 --> 00:23:42,443
Peter, just open the gate.

472
00:23:42,443 --> 00:23:45,123
Peter!

473
00:23:45,123 --> 00:23:46,883
Peter, let me in!

474
00:23:46,883 --> 00:23:48,083
Peter!

475
00:23:50,723 --> 00:23:51,883
Oh, mate.

476
00:23:52,883 --> 00:23:54,603
Ooh!

477
00:23:54,603 --> 00:23:57,083
Shall we check that she's all right?

478
00:23:57,083 --> 00:23:59,723
Oh, balls. Fine.

479
00:23:59,723 --> 00:24:02,483
Better be getting some
terrific karma from this.

480
00:24:04,043 --> 00:24:05,683
SHE SOBS

481
00:24:08,443 --> 00:24:09,723
Hi, Angela.

482
00:24:09,723 --> 00:24:13,283
Erm... We're probably the last
people you want to see right now,

483
00:24:13,283 --> 00:24:17,003
but, erm...we're Colin Walcott's
daughters.

484
00:24:20,563 --> 00:24:23,803
Stupid question, but do you not
know the code to your gate?

485
00:24:23,803 --> 00:24:25,683
I use a buzzer thing.

486
00:24:25,683 --> 00:24:29,883
And my phone and my purse
and my keys are inside.

487
00:24:29,883 --> 00:24:32,003
Is there someone that
we can call for you?

488
00:24:32,003 --> 00:24:33,163
No.

489
00:24:33,163 --> 00:24:35,123
Give me that phone.

490
00:24:35,123 --> 00:24:37,403
Nobody can know about this mess.

491
00:24:37,403 --> 00:24:40,123
No-one was ever meant
to know about Colin.

492
00:24:40,123 --> 00:24:41,763
Oh, my God. So it's true, then.

493
00:24:42,963 --> 00:24:45,403
I think I'm actually
going to be sick.

494
00:24:48,603 --> 00:24:49,763
SHE EXHALES

495
00:24:52,843 --> 00:24:55,123
This will is ridiculous.

496
00:24:55,123 --> 00:24:57,243
It's, like, a million pages
to get through.

497
00:24:57,243 --> 00:25:00,923
We don't have any wine left. Do you
think posh people drink Advocaat?

498
00:25:02,443 --> 00:25:03,683
Ah, there you are.

499
00:25:03,683 --> 00:25:06,363
I bet you feel better
after that shower, eh, babe?

500
00:25:06,363 --> 00:25:09,163
I have got a bottle of this
if you would like it.

501
00:25:09,163 --> 00:25:10,883
CAR APPROACHES

502
00:25:12,643 --> 00:25:13,803
CAR DOORS CLOSE

503
00:25:13,803 --> 00:25:15,203
TESS: Oh, I know, I know.

504
00:25:15,203 --> 00:25:17,403
# Can't stop me...
Don't...

505
00:25:17,403 --> 00:25:20,883
# Don't stop me cos
I'm having a good time

506
00:25:20,883 --> 00:25:22,763
# Having a good time... #
It's you.

507
00:25:22,763 --> 00:25:23,883
It's you.

508
00:25:23,883 --> 00:25:25,243
Sorry, who are you?

509
00:25:25,243 --> 00:25:27,763
This woman stole my lover

510
00:25:27,763 --> 00:25:31,203
and she is now sitting on MY sofa

511
00:25:31,203 --> 00:25:34,203
and drinking MY Christmas Advocaat.

512
00:25:34,203 --> 00:25:36,323
Oh, how lovely.
You must be Angela. How do you do?

513
00:25:36,323 --> 00:25:39,523
You better have a bloody good
reason why you're in my house

514
00:25:39,523 --> 00:25:41,883
after what you've done
to my family!

515
00:25:41,883 --> 00:25:43,843
What I've done to YOUR family?

516
00:25:43,843 --> 00:25:45,123
Mind your glass, Angela.

517
00:25:45,123 --> 00:25:47,403
What about what you lot have done
to mine?

518
00:25:47,403 --> 00:25:50,043
Your daughters blurted out the
contents of that dickhead's will

519
00:25:50,043 --> 00:25:52,043
before I'd had chance
to explain myself.

520
00:25:52,043 --> 00:25:54,803
That is going to be
a bugger if it dries.

521
00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:57,003
Don't you blame our girls!

522
00:25:57,003 --> 00:26:00,003
You've had years to tell
that boy the truth!

523
00:26:00,003 --> 00:26:04,603
You're obviously just a dirty
little cheater and liar!

524
00:26:04,603 --> 00:26:06,843
Remember the rock.
Don't undo your work at the rock.

525
00:26:06,843 --> 00:26:08,363
Everything was fine.

526
00:26:08,363 --> 00:26:10,323
Nobody needed to know.

527
00:26:10,323 --> 00:26:12,283
I hope you're pleased.

528
00:26:12,283 --> 00:26:16,043
You stole another
woman's woman's man

529
00:26:16,043 --> 00:26:19,563
and then you have
the gall to swan in here,

530
00:26:19,563 --> 00:26:22,483
uninvited, and accuse us
of buggering up your life?!

531
00:26:22,483 --> 00:26:24,163
To be fair, I did invite her.

532
00:26:24,163 --> 00:26:25,843
I didn't know there was anybody else

533
00:26:25,843 --> 00:26:28,963
because he told me
his wife was dead!

534
00:26:28,963 --> 00:26:31,563
Say what now?  Well, she wasn't.

535
00:26:31,563 --> 00:26:34,443
That woman is very
much chuffing alive!

536
00:26:34,443 --> 00:26:38,083
So woe betide you if you think
I'm going to forgive you!

537
00:26:38,083 --> 00:26:41,843
Woe betide YOU if you think
I'm going to forgive YOU!

538
00:26:41,843 --> 00:26:44,123
Don't you woe betide me

539
00:26:44,123 --> 00:26:47,123
because  I  am woe betiding YOU!

540
00:26:47,123 --> 00:26:50,843
And woe betide anyone who thinks
they can tell me who I can

541
00:26:50,843 --> 00:26:55,443
and cannot woe betide
in my own house!

542
00:26:55,443 --> 00:26:57,283
Can everyone just shut up, please?!

543
00:26:57,283 --> 00:26:59,803
Damn it. That's going to need
a professional clean.

544
00:26:59,803 --> 00:27:01,563
God, I can't hear myself think.

545
00:27:01,563 --> 00:27:02,643
SHE SIGHS

546
00:27:02,643 --> 00:27:05,883
Sorry. I'm just a little confused
about this solicitor's letter.

547
00:27:05,883 --> 00:27:09,123
It seems to say that Dad
had no money when he died.

548
00:27:09,123 --> 00:27:11,563
No, that's not possible.

549
00:27:11,563 --> 00:27:15,363
What about the house and his
savings and the premium bonds?

550
00:27:15,363 --> 00:27:16,843
Give me the paperwork.

551
00:27:16,843 --> 00:27:18,563
It's what I do for a living.

552
00:27:18,563 --> 00:27:20,163
You, give me your glasses.

553
00:27:23,283 --> 00:27:25,683
I've just bought a bloody Ferrari.

554
00:27:25,683 --> 00:27:28,963
Right, well, I hope you kept
the receipt cos his estate

555
00:27:28,963 --> 00:27:30,323
barely covered his debts

556
00:27:30,323 --> 00:27:33,243
so you're getting a
percentage of nothing.

557
00:27:33,243 --> 00:27:34,483
Nothing?

558
00:27:34,483 --> 00:27:36,923
Well, not nothing, guys.

559
00:27:36,923 --> 00:27:38,323
We've got a brother!

560
00:27:40,523 --> 00:27:42,523
What a BASTARD!

561
00:27:46,803 --> 00:27:48,563
# My, my

562
00:27:48,563 --> 00:27:53,363
# At Waterloo,
Napoleon did surrender

563
00:27:53,363 --> 00:27:54,923
# Oh, yeah

564
00:27:54,923 --> 00:28:00,483
# And I have met my destiny
in quite a similar way

565
00:28:01,803 --> 00:28:04,763
# The history book on the shelf

566
00:28:04,763 --> 00:28:10,003
# Is always repeating itself

567
00:28:10,003 --> 00:28:11,643
# Waterloo

568
00:28:11,643 --> 00:28:14,123
# I was defeated,
you won the war... #