This programme contains some strong language.
Callum, it's me. I'm just leaving this on your Insta, because I'm not sure you're getting my WhatsApps
and I think you've accidentally blocked me on Snapchat.
Um, but, yeah, just give us a call, it's your big sister, Cat,
you know, the one that you didn't snog.
All right, bye. Bye.
Why are you dry cleaning a vest?
It's a camisole.
I want to look smart A F when I go back to work tomorrow.
I want my boss Jennifer to know that this gal
is hopin' for a promo-tin'.
I just feel like I'm owed some good karma,
cos my dad's dead, and I may have snogged my brother.
Oh, God, I snogged my brother.
Cath, come on. Don't beat yourself up.
I once got with this lad who looked so much like me,
it was actually really weird,
but oh, my God, he was dead fit.
So much to unpack.
No, what I'm saying is, babe,
is that there might be more of us out there, you know.
That's maybe where Dad's money went.
Oh, God, it's too much for my tired old brain.
Do you know what you need? Lunch. Mm.
Order a Deliveroo.
I'll get it sent to me and then I'll go and pick it up for you.
It seems like a lot of effort for a baguette that is literally there.
No, I need to boost my ratings, babe.
I'm on my last, final, ultimate warning at work,
and I'm this close to being locked out of the app.
OK.
Right. Posh cheddar. Do you want anything?
Yeah. I'll have a Jam-bon beurre... Uh-huh.
..packet of crisps, a chocolate chunk cookie,
a lemon cheese cake pot, a Swedish meatball wrap,
a Love Bar, a vitamin volcano.
Oh, and one of those Very Berry Croissants.
OK, order...done.
MOBILE PHONE TONE
Oh, wicked.
SHE SIGHS
God, I wish I was on holiday.
Ooh.
Oh.
There you go.
Oh!
Mm.
Five stars, yeah? And a tip.
# Ho, ho, ho, it's magic
# You know
# Never believe it's not so... #
Mm.
Mm. Right.
I know your husband's thrown you out, but when are you leaving?
Because so far, you've drunk all my wine,
you've smoked all my fags,
and you are now sucking yoghurt off my favourite top.
When I get my replacement Gold Amex tomorrow.
OK, so you've got one more night of me
and then I will hole myself up at a luxury spa.
You can't hole yourself up at a luxury spa.
You hole yourself up in a hole.
It is urgent because without his pension,
my mum doesn't have an income,
so, his name was Colin Walcott.
So, yeah, could you give me a ring back please, thank you.
Hi, Angela.
Don't take it personal. She's a bit of a mood hoover.
Oh, I'm sorry. Am I ruining the party?
Am I killing the vibe?
Well, do you want me to dance, is that what you want?
Do you want a little dance? Yeah?
Oh.
Er, excuse me,
what's that stain on my sofa?
It's mango chutney.
PHONE TONE
Oh.
Is that Callum?
No, it's Tess.
Cathy, are you on this WhatsApp group too?
Because have you seen the state of her sunburn?
No, I muted it, because Marcus kept sending
motivational Star Wars memes.
Why is he on the group chat?
Because he's an arse licky mum-bum-chummer.
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
Hiya.
Listen, Cat, I've just had a PT session,
and you've called me 22 times in 45 minutes.
It's way too much.
Yeah, it's cool, babe, unlimited texts.
Look, I just need some space. Is that OK?
Yeah, yeah, all right.
Well, shall I just call you back in half hour?
HE SIGHS
What do you want, Cat?
I want to get to know you, bruv.
I know it's a mind melt, but we're family, me, you and Cath.
Look, just meet us, yeah? Even if it is just one time.
Fine.
Pick me up tomorrow at, what, five?
I'll send you my location.
Oh, wicked. Love you, brosaphine.
KISSING NOISES
Yes.
She's fun, isn't she?
Great news. We're meeting our new brother tomorrow.
No! No way.
No way am I returning to the scene of the crime.
I've got to get her out of my house.
All she does is cry,
booze, and watch the business news.
It's like a poem.
If you're opening booze, I'll have some.
Oh, my God. Oh, wow.
There's none left!
Sorry, Josef, you couldn't hurry up, could you? I'm on the clock, babe.
HORN BEEPS
Bet you didn't expect to see me here.
Oh, piss off, Patience.
Oi, mate.
Two large haddock and a side of chips, chop, chop.
So, you're still working for Deliver-poo?
I'm not a sell out like you, working for Uber Cheats.
Tell that to my new scooter, babe.
I'm all about your high-end establishments.
Your Wagamamas, your Asks.
I've even been known to pick up the odd Carluccios.
I didn't know you were back working.
Yeah, I did my six months.
Why are you saying it like you were in prison? You was on maternity leave.
Oh, cheers, Josef.
I see you, double bagging it. I taught you that.
No, I taught you that. I taught you everything,
and then you buggered off like the disloyal knob that you are.
Sorry you weren't head-hunted like I was.
Dickhead-hunted, more like. You do know what everyone's saying about you, don't you?
You've been late so many times
that you're on your last, final, ultimate warning.
Sad face emoji.
Oi! Can you move your scooter because you're blocking me in?
Thanks, mate.
SHE CLEARS THROAT
Jennifer...
I feel like I'm ready to step up,
and the world of aggregate excess of loss products
is about as exciting as it gets in my eyes.
SHE INHALES
Oh, she's here everyone. Oh.
Welcome back from the honeymoon, Cathy.
Did you save us any wedding cake?
No.
Did you have a good honeymoon?
There she is, Mrs Tandel.
Oh, thank you, Jennifer.
I made you a weeny little something as a wedding present.
Oh. Go on, open it.
Yes, so, about my wedding, I should say...
Wow!
I really think I caught your spirit there.
See, my lodger said it looks like you've got a birthmark,
but it's actually shadow. Hmm.
Listen, um,
would you like to grab a coffee today,
just to, um, you know,
sort of discuss my future, specifically the...?
I'd love that.
I want to hear all about the wedding.
I'm actually a humanist wedding celebrant
at the weekends.
That's how much I love weddings.
Great. Can't wait to, er, talk about my wedding then.
Oh, smashing. Ta-ra, love.
LINE RINGS
MAN: Hello. Hello, Peter, it's me.
Look, please, we need to talk.
LINE CUTS
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
My...!
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Oh, massive hole!
Oh.
I'm so sorry, so sorry. Oh.
So sorry.
Enough is enough, Angela.
You need to go home now!
Fine!
I'll go.
But you're going to have to drive me, cos I'm very wasted.
No way! Absolutely not!
What if I give you a Â£3,000 sofa?
Here she is, the blushing bride.
Did you send Marcus a pic of your tapestry?
Oh, I think you have to see it in real life to do it justice.
Right, come on then. Give us all the wedding goss.
What flavour wedding cake did you have?
Just a...just a very rich fruit, yeah.
Ooh!
You know, I officiated a wedding this weekend,
the couple...
had a cake made from wheels of cheese.
Oh, that's lovely. You know, I love cheese.
And, um, sort of speaking about things that I love,
um, I was thinking about my love
of, um, aggregate excess of loss products.
Cathy, we're having a girlie BFF catch-up here.
Come on, let's leave work at work.
We're in the office canteen.
OK, you're right. I tell you what,
let's go for drinks this evening?
First glass of cava's on me.
Yeah, I'm, um, not really drinking at the mo, so....
You're pregnant, aren't you?
No, I'm not.
OK. Of course you're not.
Oh, God.
I'm not.
And sort of circling back to the promotion,
I would just love to throw my hat into the ring.
You've just got married, Cathy.
Er, yeah...
It's obvious what's coming next.
Sorry, I'm not following.
The kiddywinks.
God, you know, I'd give anything to be in your shoes.
Sorry.
What exactly are you saying here?
I'm saying...
why be the director
of Aggregate Excess of Loss Products,
when you can have the greatest job of them all...
..being a mummy.
Right, so, um...
Sorry, hypothetically,
if I was a single man,
I would get the promotion.
Oh, well, if you were a single man, Cathy,
I think we'd be doing it on the table.
You'd make such a handsome fella, you really would.
Striking.
I'm just going to pop to the loo. All right, love.
Right, you are going to go out there
and you are going to tell her that that was unacceptable sexism.
PHONE JINGLES
Hello.
Hello, I'm returning your call from Omega Pension Providers.
Can I speak to Colin Walcott, please?
Yeah, he's dead. I was actually calling about...
What's your name, my love?
It's Cathy Walcott,
but I'm calling on behalf of my mother.
What's her name, my love?
Teresa Guff.
Not on the system, my love.
Yeah, she recently changed it back to her maiden name.
What's her postcode then, my love?
That actually won't be on the system either, because she moved.
Have you got the original paperwork for the pension?
No, because my mother burnt it in a dustbin.
If you haven't got any proof of ID, or address,
or the original paperwork, I can't help you.
OK, thank you.
Have a lovely day, my love.
Yes, but...
God.
SHE SIGHS
Oh!
SHE SIGHS
Oh!
SHE CRIES OUT IN PAIN
God, you're a shit driver.
Well, what do you expect?
I have hardly left my house in 28 years,
and I've had to steal Tess' car.
GATE BELL RINGS
No-one's in and I don't know the code.
You're just going to have to hoick me up over the wall.
Absolutely not!
Do you want a sofa or what?
One, two...
three!
Are you alive?
Oh!
SHE MOANS IN PAIN
Oh, God, I really buggered my knee.
Oh, ow! Ow!
Mouth's all right, though.
Don't worry, love.
Any time I've ever been punched in the face,
it always looks worse than it is.
Cath, man, what's happened?
Your sister's had a bit of a knock to the noggin.
So, we just need someone to keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't go to sleep.
Oh, no, I'm fine, really. I'll be all right, don't worry.
No, no, no, you can't stay at work with a head injury, darling.
We tried calling Marcus first, but...
Why did you call that melt?
Well, he's her husband, and he's down as the next of kin.
He's not her husband. He dumped her at the altar.
What do you mean, he dumped her at the altar?
Shit. What?
So, now you know that I am not married
would I be able to get that promotion?
Absolutely not.
You lied to me about the two things I hold most dear.
The sanctity of marriage
and cake.
You're a psychopath.
What did you just call my sister?
Oh, yeah, let's go, let's go.
Oh, just for the record,
I dumped him.
Come on.
What was all that about?
Jennifer said I couldn't have the promotion because I might have a baby one day.
That's illegal, innit?
Probably, but right now I am single, homeless,
and bleeding quite heavily from the head.
Ooh, ah!
Oh, head rush.
As you were.
You know, the shit we put up with, Cath.
You know a bloke whopped his dongle out when I dropped
a pizza off earlier?
Zut alors, Cat.
That is not on!
You know you're wasted as a delivery person.
You should transfer to head office.
You'd probably get some sort of pension, or private dental care.
I can't. There must be some sort of in-house management training scheme.
I can't, all right?
Oh, do you know who you should get in with? Ocado.
Cath, can you just drop it? If you must know,
I never did my maths GCSE
so my options are delivering takeaways
or become a drug mule, so, it's basically Sophie's Choice.
It's not Sophie's choice.
Well, it was, because my mate Sophie from Wetherspoons,
she was one third of the Peru 2.
So...
Yeah, you definitely need your maths GCSE.
Oh!
Oh, wicked. We've got a collection right now.
Oh, God. Oh, sorry.
Argh. Argh.
God! Are you ever not annoying?
I told you that I have buggered my knee.
But it's no use anyway,
because all the windows will be locked.
What did you do that for?
That's an eight-grand Buddha.
Are you a Buddhist? No.
Well, then, it's your fault for spending eight grand
on a posh gnome!
Right, I'm going to go in, pick the settee I want,
and I shall meet you back at the front door.
Shit.
Oh. Are you all right?
Why are we stopping here?
Wait for Callum, innit? Are you serious?
He's our brother. We can't keep him a secret.
I was a secret for years and it's shit.
I got bullied at school because I didn't have a dad,
and look where it got me.
My last final ultimate warning as a delivery driver.
Yeah, well, I was thinking about that.
Your maths GCSE sitch, and I can help with that.
Oh, my God, Cathy, are you going to give me your certificate?
That's brilliant. It's not even forgery,
because we've got the same name.
No, no. No, no, no, no. OK. Right,
how about I come back to school with you, yeah?
You and me, burning through the syllabus,
like a couple of maths-loving, calculator-using babes?
Ah, yeah, yeah. We could do triple science while we're at it.
Oh, come on, Cat.
We can be like the Middleton sisters of maths.
Right, fine.
But I'm the one with the great arse, yeah?
Sure.
Oi, oi, there he is. Cal, over here.
My training session overran.
Going to jump in the shower.
I'll be out in a minute, yeah?
You took your time.
I think you'd better brace yourself, Angela. Why?
Oh!
Oh, my God.
It's my wigs. Our wedding photos.
My whole life in bin bags.
He's literally thrown me out.
So, he must really think it's over.
Oh, Angela, I'm so sorry.
Come on.
Thanks.
Let's get my settee on the top of that car.
Do you have any Paracetamol actually?
I don't, sorry. Oh.
Oh, there he is.
Hello. Oh, God, are you OK, Cathy?
Oh, I just had a small altercation with a sink. It's no biggy.
Right. Slip in the back?
Yes. Are you all right?
Oh, God, I've got so many questions to ask you.
First of all, do you like posh burgers?
Erm... yeah. Right, wicked.
I need to squeeze in one more order before I clock off.
See that burger place over there? Yeah. Order it on your app
and I'll get it, because I'm the closest one to it.
Right.
Um...
..ordered.
Well, it's not come through.
Well, it says it's confirmed.
Give me your phone.
Oh, shit.
You've ordered it on Uber Eats, I'm Deliveroo.
How do you cancel it? What?
Oh, it's been accepted.
Oh, well. I'm sure there will be other orders.
Oh, God, you are joking me!
You that bad at your job
that even your boyfriend defected to Uber Eats?
No, Patience. He's our br...
Friend. Yeah, I'm just a mate.
What's wrong with her?
Oh, I just had a small altercation with a sink,
but thank you for your concern. That's very kind of you.
Right, I've got an order. I'd better go.
Yeah, me too. I just picked this up as an extra.
Double bubble for one collection.
Ha. See you around, dickweed.
I'm giving her a bad rating for that.
Cheers, Cal.
Come on. Help me load the car up.
You're coming home with me.
What?
Well, I can't leave you like this. You're one of us now.
Also, I'm going to need your help getting that settee into my house.
Just go and grab some essentials.
The champagne fridge is in the kitchen if you want more.
Oh. Smashing.
OK, the delivery address is, like, five minutes away.
We'll easily get there on time.
Cathy! Don't you fall asleep on me.
What? I wasn't. I just blinked.
Cal, mate, what's the deal with your mum?
Because full disclosure,
she's camping out on our settee, and...
Look, I don't want to talk about my mum.
Oh.
It's Marcus.
He's asking me to remove him as my next of kin,
because I need to move on.
What an arse nodule!
Oh, my God, I hate him. Who's Marcus?
Cathy's ex. You'd hate him too.
You know, he never tucked his watch strap in.
Just left the long bit flapping around.
Yeah, and he sent dick pics to his receptionist
and dumped me at the altar.
God, he does sound like a cock.
I guess I need a new next of kin.
Cat, will you be mine?
Really? Mm. Are you serious?
I've never been anyone's next of kin. Can I put that on my CV?
MUSIC: You're Gonna Make Me Love You By Sandi Sheldon
# I've been running scared
# And it's you I've been a-running from
# Cos I'm so afraid
# To trust my heart with a-anyone... #
Oh, sorry. I went through your records.
It's fine.
Haven't heard this in years.
Me neither.
Used to get my mate's big sister to sneak us into
the Northern Soul all-nighters.
Peter gave me this when we started to date.
It used to drown out the noise,
so his mum couldn't hear us in the bedroom.
Genius.
# I can feel your eyes I can feel your eyes
# Watching me no matter where I hide
# Staring in my soul... #
Oh, shit. Get on with it.
I've got, like, two minutes.
Fuck. Come on.
I can't be late.
Shit, is that Patience's scooter?
Oh, that's the bloke who got his knob out earlier.
You are joking me! Ah, shit it.
A sticky rice and a side of spring rolls.
What about your order?
Sod it. Cathy, keep the engine running.
Are you actually kidding me? Is this your game?
You order food and if it's a woman you're like,
"Oh, yeah, nice one. I'll just show her my meat feast."
Ha. Nice to see you again, darling.
You're disgusting, you know that?
Can I borrow your helmet?
Don't do it. You'll get sacked if he complains.
Mate, I'm already sacked.
Whoa.
Serves you right, you pervert. Come on, Patience.
That was proper decent.
Look, if you need me to put in a good word at Uber Eats,
I've got sway, you know.
Thanks, babe, but I'm getting out of the game.
Yeah. I've got big plans, big mathematical plans.
Here you are.
You take it. Can double-double bag now.
Cool. Nice one.
Cathy, wake up!
I am awake.
Right, Cal, time to meet your dad.
MUSIC: Les Fleur By Minnie Ripperton
Ah, what a tune!
Mm.
Colin hated this music.
You know what he was like, a proper yacht-rocker.
I didn't really know what Colin was like, to be honest.
I only met him once.
Er, twice.
The first time when we shagged,
and then the second time when he turned up at my house
demanding to know why I hadn't returned his calls.
That's when he found out I was pregnant.
So, it was just
a one-night stand? You only did it the once?
Yeah. In the toilets at the British Haulage Awards.
I mean... Er, how tacky is that?
Peter and I, you know, we'd been going through, like, a rough patch.
We were having all these tests and scans trying to figure out
why we couldn't conceive.
You know, that night...
The night that I... That I met Colin,
I was drunk,
and a bit depressed.
And there he was, giving me the glad eye.
Hm.
Sad, drunk, horny.
The Bermuda Triangle of good decisions.
You know, Peter, he's my rock.
That house, that car, this sofa.
I mean, I worked my arse off for that,
and it doesn't mean anything.
Not if I'm not with him.
It sounds to me like you need to get him back, then.
You're absolutely fucking right, Marilyn.
Aww.
Oh. Come here.
Come on. Come on.
There. There, there, there.
There.
Twice in one day, Angela.
Come on.
Oh. Oh, sorry.
Great. I'm locked out of the Deliveroo app,
officially sacked.
Ohh.
I knew it was going to happen,
but it still hurts, you know?
It hurts.
Oh, no. I'm proud of you.
You took a stand.
Catherine Walcott, you're an inspiration.
It was amazing.
Oh, God. I need to sit down.
I feel a bit woozy.
Here we are.
Colin Walcott's Memorial Swing Bench.
Glad to see people have enjoyed it.
Yeah. It does need a bit of an upgrade. Yeah.
Maybe as a sort of first anniversary death present,
something a bit more permanent to sit up here and remember him by.
Are you all right, Cal?
Not really, no. Did my mum tell you?
I am the product of one one-night stand.
Just FYI, you don't actually have to say one one-night stand,
because it's kind of implicit in the phrase.
It's like ATM machine.
Oh, you've having a nose bleed.
Oh, shit. Oh, God.
Oops. It's fine. I'll just... A tissue.
My dad isn't my dad.
I've got two secret sisters.
Everything I believed up until two days ago has been a complete lie.
Yeah, I was the same when I found out
that Center Parcs wasn't actually under one massive roof.
It wasn't all a lie, Callum.
The love that your parents gave you, that was real.
Yeah, and finding us. We both love you.
Listen, when you go and get the new memorial bench,
I'll come with you. OK. OK.
Aww. I want to get a photo of you two.
Yeah.
OK, and three, two...
Oh, God.
Yeah. We need to get her to hospital.
# Doctor, my eyes have seen the years
# And the slow parade of fears without crying
# Now I want to understand
# I have done all that I could
# To see the evil and the good without hiding
# You must help me if you can
# Doctor, my eyes... #