1 00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:03,363 This is how bad it got, 2 00:00:03,363 --> 00:00:06,083 I ended up eating the fruit from the bowl on the hotel reception, 3 00:00:06,083 --> 00:00:07,923 just so I wouldn't have to pay for breakfast. 4 00:00:07,923 --> 00:00:10,123 I really need to sort your father's pension. 5 00:00:10,123 --> 00:00:11,803 It's fine, Mum, I'll cover your rent. 6 00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:14,043 It's not just the rent though, Cathy, 7 00:00:14,043 --> 00:00:16,323 I'm down to my last 50 Nectar points. 8 00:00:16,323 --> 00:00:17,763 I'm having to go 9 00:00:17,763 --> 00:00:19,763 to Marilyn's tonight just to get fed. 10 00:00:19,763 --> 00:00:20,843 BELL RINGS 11 00:00:20,843 --> 00:00:22,323 Ooh, early Valentine? 12 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,443 Uh, God I wish - my gentleman well is bone dry. 13 00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:27,843 I'm actually going to a GCSE Maths class. 14 00:00:27,843 --> 00:00:30,163 Why? Got a first-class degree in Maths. 15 00:00:30,163 --> 00:00:32,523 I know, but I promised Cat I'd go for moral support. 16 00:00:32,523 --> 00:00:35,003 I actually could do with the ego boost, 17 00:00:35,003 --> 00:00:37,323 even if it is by beating a load of 15-year-olds in 18 00:00:37,323 --> 00:00:39,763 a maths quiz. All right, then. 19 00:00:39,763 --> 00:00:41,723 God, I love me some maths. 20 00:00:43,923 --> 00:00:45,523 Ooh, exciting. 21 00:00:45,523 --> 00:00:47,563 Oh, I'm brickin' it going back to school. 22 00:00:47,563 --> 00:00:51,283 Y'know, I spent three years on my own in the toilet cos I hated it that much. 23 00:00:51,283 --> 00:00:54,243 Yeah, but I'm going to be your mathematical wing-woman this time. 24 00:00:54,243 --> 00:00:55,923 Ooh, before I forget... 25 00:00:57,323 --> 00:00:59,363 Got you this. 26 00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:00,683 Aww. 27 00:01:00,683 --> 00:01:02,243 It's a calculator. 28 00:01:02,243 --> 00:01:03,683 I've already got one on my phone. 29 00:01:03,683 --> 00:01:05,883 It was Dad's, just does your basics, 30 00:01:05,883 --> 00:01:09,243 your matrix and vector calculations and such. What? 31 00:01:09,243 --> 00:01:10,683 Man, I envy you. 32 00:01:10,683 --> 00:01:13,003 You know, I've always thought if I was kicked in 33 00:01:13,003 --> 00:01:15,483 the head by a horse and lost my entire memory, 34 00:01:15,483 --> 00:01:17,643 at least I could relearn maths. 35 00:01:17,643 --> 00:01:20,083 Oh, it'd be like I'd never seen Bridgerton. 36 00:01:20,083 --> 00:01:22,683 Do you know what I would re-listen to for the first time? 37 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:24,603 Coldplay's Yellow. 38 00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:34,843 Oh, hi, is this is the GCSE Maths crammer? 39 00:01:34,843 --> 00:01:38,443 Get your good selves in here. I'm Eamon Hammond. 40 00:01:38,443 --> 00:01:42,763 You must be Catherine Walcott and, ah, 41 00:01:42,763 --> 00:01:45,723 there's been an admin error, I've got you down twice here. 42 00:01:45,723 --> 00:01:48,643 Oh, no we're both Catherine Walcotts, we're sisters. 43 00:01:48,643 --> 00:01:50,323 Am I calling you both Catherine? 44 00:01:50,323 --> 00:01:51,843 Oh, no, I'm Cathy and she's Cat. 45 00:01:51,843 --> 00:01:54,243 Well, grab yourself a seat, guys 46 00:01:54,243 --> 00:01:55,883 because where we're about to go is 47 00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:58,563 going to knock your little sockettes off. 48 00:01:58,563 --> 00:02:02,083 I'm Cat, try not to fall in love with me, yeah? 49 00:02:02,083 --> 00:02:03,843 So let's start with 50 00:02:03,843 --> 00:02:05,803 a simple equation. 51 00:02:07,643 --> 00:02:12,043 U plus Me equals success. 52 00:02:12,043 --> 00:02:14,683 Put it there, Cat. Oh, it's Cathy, but... 53 00:02:14,683 --> 00:02:16,283 Oh, my bad, Cathy! 54 00:02:18,123 --> 00:02:20,163 Right. 55 00:02:20,163 --> 00:02:22,923 Oh, that Eamon Hammond is an absolute hunk, 56 00:02:22,923 --> 00:02:26,163 isn't he? Two plus two equals phwoar. 57 00:02:26,163 --> 00:02:28,523 I'd resit all my exams if he was my teacher. 58 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:30,123 HORN HONKS 59 00:02:30,123 --> 00:02:32,883 Cat, Cathy, over here! We've come to pick you up. 60 00:02:32,883 --> 00:02:35,123 Ohh, I've been kicking myself since 61 00:02:35,123 --> 00:02:37,163 I missed your first first day at school, 62 00:02:37,163 --> 00:02:38,803 so there was no way 63 00:02:38,803 --> 00:02:41,923 I was missing this one. And who's this? 64 00:02:41,923 --> 00:02:44,643 Err, Patrick, but everyone calls me Deggs, 65 00:02:44,643 --> 00:02:47,723 or Little D, or Yung Deggy with... with no O in the young, 66 00:02:47,723 --> 00:02:49,243 just, just Yung Deggy. 67 00:02:49,243 --> 00:02:52,603 Enchante, Yung Deggy. Marilyn, Little Tess, 68 00:02:52,603 --> 00:02:55,163 and this is young Angela. 69 00:02:55,163 --> 00:02:58,323 Cathy, Tess tells me you can help me win my men back. Sorry? 70 00:02:58,323 --> 00:03:02,443 Oh, you're going to look at memorial benches with Callum tomorrow, aren't you? 71 00:03:02,443 --> 00:03:04,643 Surely you could put in a good word. 72 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,203 Oh, yeah, 73 00:03:06,203 --> 00:03:08,403 I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable being 74 00:03:08,403 --> 00:03:11,003 the sort of go-between, I'd, er, I'd rather remain 75 00:03:11,003 --> 00:03:13,803 the sort of Switzerland of the situation, if I may. 76 00:03:13,803 --> 00:03:15,323 What you on about Switzerland? 77 00:03:15,323 --> 00:03:20,083 Oh, the, er, the Swiss were famously impartial between the Allies 78 00:03:20,083 --> 00:03:22,323 and the Nazis during World War II. 79 00:03:22,323 --> 00:03:23,643 What, Angela's a Nazi? 80 00:03:23,643 --> 00:03:27,283 No, no-one's a Nazi. Question, how are you going to get two extra 81 00:03:27,283 --> 00:03:29,163 people and two bikes in that car? 82 00:03:29,163 --> 00:03:31,723 Oh, shit, me bike's been nicked. 83 00:03:31,723 --> 00:03:33,443 That solves that, then. 84 00:03:38,483 --> 00:03:40,003 CORK POPS 85 00:03:40,003 --> 00:03:42,603 Hey! Oh-ho, to the new director 86 00:03:42,603 --> 00:03:45,243 of Aggregate Excess Of Loss Products, 87 00:03:45,243 --> 00:03:47,123 congratulations on your promotion. 88 00:03:47,123 --> 00:03:48,523 Well done, well done. 89 00:03:48,523 --> 00:03:52,763 Thank you. Oh, you're probably not old enough for a glass of champagne, are you? Great job. 90 00:03:52,763 --> 00:03:55,243 Oh, hi, hi, hi, hi there, yeah, 91 00:03:55,243 --> 00:03:58,683 I need some legal advice on a gender discrimination issue. 92 00:03:58,683 --> 00:04:00,483 KNOCK ON DOOR 93 00:04:00,483 --> 00:04:02,483 Cathy? You all right in there? 94 00:04:02,483 --> 00:04:05,523 Just making sure you haven't injured yourself or attacked anything. 95 00:04:05,523 --> 00:04:07,403 I-I-I'm just... 96 00:04:07,403 --> 00:04:09,403 ..doing a big poo. 97 00:04:09,403 --> 00:04:12,723 You shouldn't really be shitting in the disabled toilet. 98 00:04:12,723 --> 00:04:15,043 Anyway, your mum's at reception. 99 00:04:15,043 --> 00:04:18,003 So if I want to make an outside call to a friend or... Hi, Mum. 100 00:04:18,003 --> 00:04:20,043 Hello, darling, good news. 101 00:04:20,043 --> 00:04:22,443 I've got myself a trial as a receptionist. 102 00:04:22,443 --> 00:04:24,483 Gloria here has just been bringing me up 103 00:04:24,483 --> 00:04:26,123 to speed on headset etiquette, 104 00:04:26,123 --> 00:04:28,483 so it means I'll finally be able to pay my own rent. 105 00:04:28,483 --> 00:04:30,323 Oh, wow, where is it? 106 00:04:30,323 --> 00:04:35,043 It's, a sort of, er, boutiquey, specialisty, officey... 107 00:04:35,043 --> 00:04:38,803 It's the other side of town and it's...it's sort of a wellness 108 00:04:38,803 --> 00:04:41,403 centre with...with a health practitioner. 109 00:04:41,403 --> 00:04:44,283 Are you working for Marcus's surgery? 110 00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:46,123 Yes, OK, yes, I am, 111 00:04:46,123 --> 00:04:48,843 but, you know, just until the pension pay-out is sorted. 112 00:04:48,843 --> 00:04:51,563 Oh, my God. After what he did to me? 113 00:04:51,563 --> 00:04:55,683 Cathy. The only job I have ever had is as a housewife 114 00:04:55,683 --> 00:04:58,363 and now I have neither a house nor am I a wife, 115 00:04:58,363 --> 00:04:59,923 so you tell me, 116 00:04:59,923 --> 00:05:01,683 what else am I good for 117 00:05:01,683 --> 00:05:05,243 but a basic, low-skilled, dead-end job like receptioning? 118 00:05:05,243 --> 00:05:08,203 Apologies for my mother, Gloria. Out, get out. 119 00:05:08,203 --> 00:05:09,763 What did I do now? 120 00:05:09,763 --> 00:05:12,483 Honestly, it's one thing after another, it really is. 121 00:05:14,643 --> 00:05:15,843 Cat? 122 00:05:17,603 --> 00:05:19,283 Are you doing anything for Valentines? 123 00:05:19,283 --> 00:05:21,283 Wigging out over next week's mock exam, babe. 124 00:05:21,283 --> 00:05:24,803 Here, do you guys want to come over to mine to revise after class tomorrow? 125 00:05:24,803 --> 00:05:28,523 Yeah, yeah, will there be booze? I know I'm only 16, but... 126 00:05:28,523 --> 00:05:29,643 No. 127 00:05:29,643 --> 00:05:32,603 As the sad spinster of the village, it's a yes from me. 128 00:05:32,603 --> 00:05:36,443 OK. First, I want to give a big woop-woop 129 00:05:36,443 --> 00:05:40,483 to this week's maths magician, Cathy. 130 00:05:40,483 --> 00:05:43,683 Ha-ha-ha. Lovely prime number trees, Cathy. 131 00:05:43,683 --> 00:05:45,443 Oh, 83%. 132 00:05:45,443 --> 00:05:49,203 Oh, this is Cat's, erm, the other Catherine Walcott, my sister. 133 00:05:49,203 --> 00:05:51,483 Oh! My bad. Well done, Cat. 134 00:05:51,483 --> 00:05:53,883 Bloody hell, that's good, innit? Amazing. 135 00:05:53,883 --> 00:05:56,123 MUSIC PLAYS: Celebration by Kool & The Gang 136 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:59,203 All right, everybody up, I feel a maths dance coming on. 137 00:05:59,203 --> 00:06:01,643 Yeah! Feel the maths! 138 00:06:04,483 --> 00:06:06,443 It's not all about you, mate. 139 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,763 Hello. 140 00:06:11,763 --> 00:06:14,963 Hi. Not kerb-crawling, I hope, Eamon. 141 00:06:14,963 --> 00:06:16,163 Sorry? 142 00:06:16,163 --> 00:06:19,403 Oh, I said I hope you're not kerb-crawling! 143 00:06:19,403 --> 00:06:21,003 Is that a saying? 144 00:06:21,003 --> 00:06:25,243 Oh, yes, it's what one does when one is picking up ladies of the night. 145 00:06:25,243 --> 00:06:27,643 It gets a bit lost in translation, so... 146 00:06:27,643 --> 00:06:28,883 Cos you're a prostitute? 147 00:06:28,883 --> 00:06:31,403 Well, I prefer the term sex worker. 148 00:06:31,403 --> 00:06:33,083 Oh, so you are a sex worker? 149 00:06:33,083 --> 00:06:37,523 Oh, no, no, I wish I hadn't said anything now. 150 00:06:37,523 --> 00:06:40,203 Great work today, I know talent when I see it. 151 00:06:40,203 --> 00:06:41,523 Oh, well, thank you. 152 00:06:41,523 --> 00:06:43,363 I mean, you have great eyes. 153 00:06:43,363 --> 00:06:46,323 Erm, a great eye. 154 00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:50,923 Also, full disclosure, I actually already have my Maths GCSE. 155 00:06:50,923 --> 00:06:53,443 You are fascinating. 156 00:06:53,443 --> 00:06:56,283 I really want to penetrate that head of yours. 157 00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:59,483 Thank you, but it's not really that interesting. 158 00:06:59,483 --> 00:07:01,083 I was wondering if maybe 159 00:07:01,083 --> 00:07:03,363 I could take you to dinner tomorrow night? 160 00:07:03,363 --> 00:07:05,003 Oh, erm... 161 00:07:05,003 --> 00:07:08,403 I'm supposed to have a study sesh but, erm... 162 00:07:08,403 --> 00:07:12,963 Yeah, I mean, it's Valentine's, so, so why not? 163 00:07:12,963 --> 00:07:14,323 HORN HONKS 164 00:07:14,323 --> 00:07:16,163 She said yes! 165 00:07:22,323 --> 00:07:23,363 Ooh. 166 00:07:24,763 --> 00:07:26,923 Sorry about this. 167 00:07:26,923 --> 00:07:29,843 I thought you were getting here at 7:45? Yes. 168 00:07:29,843 --> 00:07:31,283 We open at eight. 169 00:07:31,283 --> 00:07:33,883 Can't start the day without a decent caffeine shot. 170 00:07:33,883 --> 00:07:36,203 Don't worry, I got you an extra-milky latte. 171 00:07:36,203 --> 00:07:38,483 Right, well, I'm going to let the patients in now. 172 00:07:38,483 --> 00:07:40,163 Yeah, hold on while I do a pee-pee. 173 00:07:40,163 --> 00:07:41,723 Won't be long. 174 00:07:45,563 --> 00:07:47,883 Great. 175 00:07:47,883 --> 00:07:49,483 Hello, you're early. 176 00:07:49,483 --> 00:07:52,003 Yeah, I stayed at this girl's house last night 177 00:07:52,003 --> 00:07:54,483 and it was, like, two roads down from here. 178 00:07:54,483 --> 00:07:58,843 Oh. What luck. Is this girl some sort of pal or...? 179 00:07:58,843 --> 00:08:02,883 Oh, no, it was just someone I hooked up with on Tinder. 180 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,483 Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, 181 00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:06,683 you know, you're just a young, single guy, 182 00:08:06,683 --> 00:08:10,083 so why not? You know, spread your seed! 183 00:08:10,083 --> 00:08:11,283 Shall we go? 184 00:08:13,523 --> 00:08:15,603 Shut up, Cathy. 185 00:08:15,603 --> 00:08:18,683 Oh, I think the benches are over there. 186 00:08:18,683 --> 00:08:22,523 Ah, what about a memorial hammock? 187 00:08:22,523 --> 00:08:25,163 Mmm...I don't know. 188 00:08:25,163 --> 00:08:28,163 Not exactly a conventional sort of memorial bench, 189 00:08:28,163 --> 00:08:30,763 you know, it's a bit avant-garde, I suppose. 190 00:08:30,763 --> 00:08:33,963 It's like getting a thong on after you'd had a shower. 191 00:08:33,963 --> 00:08:36,163 I mean, it's a lovely idea, Cat, but I don't think we're 192 00:08:36,163 --> 00:08:37,963 going to fit three of us in there, will we? 193 00:08:37,963 --> 00:08:40,763 You're kidding. Course you can. Look. Ooh. 194 00:08:40,763 --> 00:08:43,723 Over. See? 195 00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,723 Even room for one more. 196 00:08:45,723 --> 00:08:47,243 OK, I'll just... 197 00:08:48,763 --> 00:08:50,403 You've convinced me. 198 00:08:50,403 --> 00:08:51,523 Ooh! 199 00:08:51,523 --> 00:08:53,323 ALL GIGGLE 200 00:08:54,483 --> 00:08:55,843 Oh, my God, Cathy! 201 00:08:57,363 --> 00:09:02,003 Ahh, well, if it isn't Claire with an I from Dubai. 202 00:09:02,003 --> 00:09:05,763 Oh, my God, hi, PC! Hi, OC, long time, no see. 203 00:09:05,763 --> 00:09:07,763 Oh, this is Catherine, 204 00:09:07,763 --> 00:09:10,003 though we actually called her PC at school. 205 00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:11,923 For Pretty Cathy. 206 00:09:11,923 --> 00:09:13,683 Yeah, or Primary Cathy. 207 00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:16,203 And I was OC, as in Original Cathy. 208 00:09:16,203 --> 00:09:17,803 Other Cathy. 209 00:09:17,803 --> 00:09:20,563 Yeah. Erm... This is Callum and Cat. 210 00:09:20,563 --> 00:09:21,843 The infamous Cat. 211 00:09:21,843 --> 00:09:24,123 Claire told me all about you from the hen do. 212 00:09:24,123 --> 00:09:25,843 For the wedding that didn't happen. 213 00:09:25,843 --> 00:09:27,563 We're actually looking at benches. 214 00:09:27,563 --> 00:09:29,243 It's our dad's first anniversary, 215 00:09:29,243 --> 00:09:31,803 so we're doing a little memorial near his ashes. 216 00:09:31,803 --> 00:09:34,523 Yeah, at the car park, back of Chorley Road. 217 00:09:34,523 --> 00:09:36,883 The dogging car park? Yeah, do you got there often? 218 00:09:36,883 --> 00:09:41,603 Ohh, who's this cute bundle of... baby? 219 00:09:41,603 --> 00:09:42,803 This is my little bubba. 220 00:09:42,803 --> 00:09:43,883 Coo-coo-coo-coo-coo. 221 00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:45,683 BABY CRIES 222 00:09:45,683 --> 00:09:48,203 Er, no, sorry, I didn't mean to do that, I don't... 223 00:09:48,203 --> 00:09:49,923 Can I have a cuddle? Oh, yeah. 224 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,363 Thanks. Go for it. 225 00:09:51,363 --> 00:09:54,083 Is that your new man? Is he why your wedding fell through? 226 00:09:54,083 --> 00:09:56,403 Oh, no, no, this is my... 227 00:09:56,403 --> 00:09:59,003 Brother. Yeah, I'm their brother. 228 00:09:59,003 --> 00:10:01,243 Oh, God, I didn't realise there were three of you. 229 00:10:01,243 --> 00:10:03,923 Yeah, I am actually seeing someone at the moment, though, 230 00:10:03,923 --> 00:10:05,563 his name is Eamon. 231 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,763 What, Eamon Hammond, our Maths teacher? 232 00:10:07,763 --> 00:10:09,483 Er, yeah, yeah, 233 00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:12,283 we're actually going out for a fancy Valentine's meal tonight. 234 00:10:12,283 --> 00:10:14,523 You and your Maths teachers, OC. 235 00:10:14,523 --> 00:10:15,923 You know, she slow danced 236 00:10:15,923 --> 00:10:17,963 with our Head of Maths at the leaver's ball? 237 00:10:17,963 --> 00:10:20,003 OK, it wasn't a slow dance, it was just... 238 00:10:20,003 --> 00:10:22,283 I just held his hips in a conga line, 239 00:10:22,283 --> 00:10:23,603 it was very innocent. 240 00:10:23,603 --> 00:10:26,163 Well, I'm going to get this little chick home for a snooze, 241 00:10:26,163 --> 00:10:28,523 but it was really nice to see you. 242 00:10:28,523 --> 00:10:30,003 Yeah, and you. 243 00:10:31,643 --> 00:10:33,243 Bitch. 244 00:10:33,243 --> 00:10:34,883 Bitch. 245 00:10:34,883 --> 00:10:36,203 Oh... Yargh. 246 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:37,883 Oh, God. Oh. You all right? 247 00:10:40,883 --> 00:10:43,563 Why are they taking so long? 248 00:10:43,563 --> 00:10:46,203 I can't believe a pension provider's being inundated 249 00:10:46,203 --> 00:10:48,283 with calls, can you? 250 00:10:48,283 --> 00:10:51,123 Do you need these Post-its? I'm kitting out 251 00:10:51,123 --> 00:10:53,083 an office in Cat's room for her studies. 252 00:10:53,083 --> 00:10:54,803 Oh, no, go for your life. 253 00:10:54,803 --> 00:10:57,363 Office stationery is there to be pinched. 254 00:10:57,363 --> 00:10:59,883 So nice to get another bite of the biscuit. 255 00:10:59,883 --> 00:11:02,483 I can meet Cat from school, do her packed lunches, 256 00:11:02,483 --> 00:11:04,003 buy fags for her friends. 257 00:11:04,003 --> 00:11:05,723 Hi, are my results back yet? 258 00:11:05,723 --> 00:11:07,083 I'm just on the phone. 259 00:11:09,243 --> 00:11:10,963 Fine, date of birth and surname. 260 00:11:10,963 --> 00:11:14,243 26th of the 5th, '69. Burrows. 261 00:11:14,243 --> 00:11:16,963 '69, Burrows. 262 00:11:19,563 --> 00:11:21,603 You've got a UTI. 263 00:11:21,603 --> 00:11:24,083 Oh... Have you tried cranberry juice? 264 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,483 I have to say, it's never worked for me, 265 00:11:26,483 --> 00:11:28,603 but it's all right with vodka. 266 00:11:28,603 --> 00:11:31,083 I've just had a barrage of emails 267 00:11:31,083 --> 00:11:32,923 saying no-one can get through to reception. 268 00:11:32,923 --> 00:11:35,523 Oh, believe me, I'm as annoyed as you are, Marcus. 269 00:11:35,523 --> 00:11:38,563 I've been on hold to this pension provider for over an hour. 270 00:11:38,563 --> 00:11:40,283 An hour and 45. 271 00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:42,523 You're not supposed to be behind reception. 272 00:11:42,523 --> 00:11:44,203 I'm not stopping long. 273 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:47,043 Can you not vape in here, please? 274 00:11:47,043 --> 00:11:48,443 I'm not. 275 00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:03,723 MAN: Hello? 276 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:07,123 Hello? Hello, Peter? It's me. 277 00:12:07,123 --> 00:12:10,323 Look, I really... I really need to talk to you. 278 00:12:10,323 --> 00:12:14,643 And I just want to say I'm... I'm so... I'm so, so sorry, 279 00:12:14,643 --> 00:12:17,483 and if you could just give me a 280 00:12:14,643 --> 00:12:17,483 chance... 281 00:12:14,643 --> 00:12:17,483 LINE CUTS OFF 282 00:12:25,803 --> 00:12:28,923 Hello, Mrs Douglas, sorry we're late. 283 00:12:28,923 --> 00:12:31,523 Tina Turner wouldn't get in the back of the van again. 284 00:12:31,523 --> 00:12:34,163 Hello, girl. Oh, thank you, Mel, thank you. 285 00:12:34,163 --> 00:12:36,603 See you tomorrow, Mrs Douglas. OK. 286 00:12:40,483 --> 00:12:43,843 Come on. Come on, Tina, you're coming with Mummy. 287 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,803 So, while I have you, 288 00:12:50,803 --> 00:12:53,763 I think it'd be good if we took a DNA test, 289 00:12:53,763 --> 00:12:56,003 just in case there's anyone else out there 290 00:12:56,003 --> 00:12:59,803 and to avoid a repeat of... Snogging a relly. 291 00:12:59,803 --> 00:13:02,763 So I thought we could all do a test now 292 00:13:02,763 --> 00:13:07,443 and then if you want to get it on with a consenting adult, 293 00:13:07,443 --> 00:13:08,923 just ask your intended 294 00:13:08,923 --> 00:13:11,563 to spit in this pot, pop it in the post 295 00:13:11,563 --> 00:13:15,963 and they will email you the results in 21 working days. 296 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:19,643 So if you could just remain chaste for a month 297 00:13:19,643 --> 00:13:21,283 and a day, that'd be great. 298 00:13:21,283 --> 00:13:24,563 Are you saying I can't have sex for a month? 299 00:13:24,563 --> 00:13:26,403 And a day. Yeah. 300 00:13:26,403 --> 00:13:29,243 OK, so there you go, Cat. 301 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:30,843 There you are. 302 00:13:30,843 --> 00:13:33,523 So just spit in the pot and that'd be great. 303 00:13:33,523 --> 00:13:36,203 Are you going to make our Maths teacher do a test? 304 00:13:36,203 --> 00:13:38,963 Well, you know, if push comes to shovey time, then, 305 00:13:38,963 --> 00:13:41,203 yeah, I will get him to spit for me. 306 00:13:41,203 --> 00:13:43,403 I can't believe you're blowing me out to go on a date 307 00:13:43,403 --> 00:13:46,443 with Eamon Hammond. Talk about being a teacher's pet. 308 00:13:46,443 --> 00:13:49,003 Look, I've got to think of my golden triangle. 309 00:13:49,003 --> 00:13:51,403 Isn't family part of your golden triangle? 310 00:13:51,403 --> 00:13:52,963 SHE HAWKS UP SPIT 311 00:13:54,923 --> 00:13:58,443 You know, if a great guy asks me on a date, then I'd be 312 00:13:58,443 --> 00:14:00,563 a numpty not to go. 313 00:14:00,563 --> 00:14:03,323 Also, ethically, it's not really on for a pupil 314 00:14:03,323 --> 00:14:06,803 to be dating a teacher, so FYI, I'm quitting Maths. 315 00:14:08,843 --> 00:14:11,843 Oh, thank you. 316 00:14:11,843 --> 00:14:14,883 Oh, yes. Yes, I know, 317 00:14:14,883 --> 00:14:17,083 I've been on hold for over an hour 318 00:14:17,083 --> 00:14:20,123 and I really need to talk to someone about this pension. 319 00:14:20,123 --> 00:14:21,843 Ooh, could you come back in five? 320 00:14:21,843 --> 00:14:24,083 My friend's just using the computer to book a hotel. 321 00:14:24,083 --> 00:14:25,483 Nothing's available tonight, 322 00:14:25,483 --> 00:14:28,163 everybody's shagging their lover on Valentine's. 323 00:14:28,163 --> 00:14:29,923 God, I miss hotel sex. 324 00:14:29,923 --> 00:14:32,643 You know, it's so clean and yet so dirty, 325 00:14:32,643 --> 00:14:34,723 and you get to keep the shampoo. 326 00:14:34,723 --> 00:14:36,523 Well, why don't we all do something? 327 00:14:36,523 --> 00:14:38,043 I could buy some Spumante 328 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:42,603 and we could watch YouTube videos of Anthony Joshua looking sweaty? 329 00:14:42,603 --> 00:14:45,163 Right. Meredith has just got back from shooting 330 00:14:45,163 --> 00:14:48,683 the cover of her cookbook, so I am taking the afternoon off 331 00:14:48,683 --> 00:14:52,043 to spoil her rotten. Oh, my G... What is this? 332 00:14:52,043 --> 00:14:53,163 What's what? 333 00:14:53,163 --> 00:14:54,643 This. Whose dog is this? 334 00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:56,043 "This" has a name. 335 00:14:56,043 --> 00:14:59,083 Her name's Tina Turner and I'm holding her hostage. 336 00:14:59,083 --> 00:15:01,723 Don't ask. I'm not going to remind you again, Tess, 337 00:15:01,723 --> 00:15:04,003 you are here to work and I'm not going to give you 338 00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:07,323 any special treatment just because you're my ex-mother-in-law. 339 00:15:09,883 --> 00:15:11,123 Good. 340 00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:19,483 I can't believe Cathy dumped me to get it on with him. 341 00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:21,203 What's wrong with your face? 342 00:15:21,203 --> 00:15:24,723 Oh, nothing, I just shaved. 343 00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:28,843 OK. Guys, I got to get out of here at 7:30 tonight, 344 00:15:28,843 --> 00:15:32,043 for a piping hot date, so let's have a bit of extra focus, 345 00:15:32,043 --> 00:15:35,123 shall we? OK. Ratios homework. 346 00:15:35,123 --> 00:15:37,123 Cat, not your best work. 347 00:15:37,123 --> 00:15:38,803 Yeah, I just couldn't get my head around 348 00:15:38,803 --> 00:15:40,883 the bit where it said that Eli needed... 349 00:15:40,883 --> 00:15:42,923 I'm in a bit of a hurry tonight, yeah? 350 00:15:42,923 --> 00:15:46,763 The answer is nine. Eli has nine, Bobby has two. 351 00:15:46,763 --> 00:15:52,003 Which means this week's magic-matician is Debbie! 352 00:15:52,003 --> 00:15:53,803 MUSIC PLAYS: Celebration by Kool & The Gang 353 00:15:53,803 --> 00:15:57,003 Whoa, I don't have time for impromptu maths dances. 354 00:15:57,003 --> 00:15:58,243 Music off, please. 355 00:15:58,243 --> 00:16:00,043 Right, probability. 356 00:16:08,963 --> 00:16:12,203 Marcus? What are you doing here? 357 00:16:12,203 --> 00:16:14,483 Meredith has chucked me. 358 00:16:14,483 --> 00:16:17,203 Yeah, one minute we're sharing a mezze, 359 00:16:17,203 --> 00:16:21,603 and the next, I'm single with way too much tzatziki. 360 00:16:21,603 --> 00:16:25,323 I mean, what is the point of anything any more? 361 00:16:25,323 --> 00:16:27,923 Do you know what? I'm going to drink all of this. 362 00:16:27,923 --> 00:16:29,603 Ahh, uhh... 363 00:16:29,603 --> 00:16:33,123 Oh, Marcus. Look, do you want to come back to ours? 364 00:16:33,123 --> 00:16:35,243 Will, erm... Will Cathy be there? 365 00:16:35,243 --> 00:16:38,243 No. You'll just have to make do with little old me. 366 00:16:38,243 --> 00:16:41,283 Thanks, Tess-co Superstore. 367 00:16:41,283 --> 00:16:42,963 Hey, we could watch Grand Designs 368 00:16:42,963 --> 00:16:45,723 and guess how much money they've lost, like in the old days. 369 00:16:48,723 --> 00:16:49,923 CAR BEEPS 370 00:16:52,883 --> 00:16:54,363 Right, we're here. 371 00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:58,603 Tina, Tina. 372 00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:00,123 Look more like a hostage. 373 00:17:00,123 --> 00:17:02,003 Why is there a horse in our house? 374 00:17:02,003 --> 00:17:03,683 It's Tina Turner. 375 00:17:03,683 --> 00:17:05,443 I'm texting Peter 376 00:17:05,443 --> 00:17:08,723 a hostage address pick-up, then he'll have to see me. 377 00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:11,403 Um, go upstairs, there's a surprise for you. 378 00:17:11,403 --> 00:17:13,163 Come on, Deggs. 379 00:17:13,163 --> 00:17:15,843 I'll leave you to it. No, I won't leave you to it 380 00:17:15,843 --> 00:17:17,483 cos I want to know what you think. 381 00:17:20,283 --> 00:17:24,323 Aww! Oh! Ha-ha! I got a bit carried away. 382 00:17:24,323 --> 00:17:26,763 I'll get you a couple of extra chairs for your study buddies. 383 00:17:26,763 --> 00:17:28,923 Oh, cheers, Mum - it's just me and Deggs tonight. 384 00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:30,643 Cathy's blown us out to shag the teacher. 385 00:17:30,643 --> 00:17:33,163 Oh. Then there's more Maths to go round, 386 00:17:33,163 --> 00:17:37,163 and there's pizza and crisps downstairs if you're hungry. 387 00:17:37,163 --> 00:17:40,243 You got any booze? BOTH: No! 388 00:17:40,243 --> 00:17:41,683 Sorry about the crazy vibe. 389 00:17:41,683 --> 00:17:42,723 Oh! 390 00:17:42,723 --> 00:17:44,523 It turns out it's quite hard to get 391 00:17:44,523 --> 00:17:47,163 the last-minute table on Valentine's night. 392 00:17:47,163 --> 00:17:49,523 Oh, my goodness, how could I forget? 393 00:17:51,483 --> 00:17:53,203 Oh, my. 394 00:17:53,203 --> 00:17:57,003 Oh, it's a sweetie pi, I love it. 395 00:17:57,003 --> 00:17:59,803 Yeah, baby! 396 00:17:59,803 --> 00:18:01,683 Cathy... 397 00:18:01,683 --> 00:18:04,163 ..I've been thinking about this date all day - 398 00:18:04,163 --> 00:18:06,843 I could barely sleep last night, dreaming about you - 399 00:18:06,843 --> 00:18:09,643 and I just want to say... 400 00:18:09,643 --> 00:18:11,923 ..you're really something else, honey girl. 401 00:18:11,923 --> 00:18:13,083 Ohh. 402 00:18:13,083 --> 00:18:14,643 Do you mind if I kiss you? 403 00:18:14,643 --> 00:18:16,043 Yes, please. 404 00:18:26,803 --> 00:18:28,403 Thunderbolt city. 405 00:18:30,603 --> 00:18:32,123 I feel like Tom Cruise on Oprah, 406 00:18:32,123 --> 00:18:34,883 when he lost his head then trampolined around 407 00:18:34,883 --> 00:18:37,883 the sofa about the lady from Jacob's Creek. 408 00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:39,683 Can we go back to your place? 409 00:18:39,683 --> 00:18:40,923 Yes. 410 00:18:40,923 --> 00:18:44,203 I mean, actually, I'm staying with my mum at the moment, 411 00:18:44,203 --> 00:18:46,603 but she's out with my dad's other lover, 412 00:18:46,603 --> 00:18:49,283 so, sure, live in the moment. 413 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:53,123 Oh, actually, sorry, weird question, 414 00:18:53,123 --> 00:18:56,603 but how much do you look like your dad? 415 00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:02,923 We're almost identical. 416 00:19:02,923 --> 00:19:04,883 Oh, my God, yeah. 417 00:19:04,883 --> 00:19:06,483 Now I'm even more aroused. 418 00:19:15,323 --> 00:19:17,283 Can't get enough of your mouth! 419 00:19:21,003 --> 00:19:24,563 Oh, Cathy, I thought you were on a date. 420 00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:27,243 What the actual F is Marcus doing here? 421 00:19:27,243 --> 00:19:29,523 Hello. Hello. 422 00:19:29,523 --> 00:19:32,203 I'm Cathy's mum. 423 00:19:32,203 --> 00:19:33,963 Goodness' sake. 424 00:19:35,363 --> 00:19:38,323 Come on, Eamon, don't mind them. 425 00:19:38,323 --> 00:19:39,963 Should I leave? 426 00:19:39,963 --> 00:19:41,283 No, no, it's fine. 427 00:19:42,443 --> 00:19:44,363 Anyway, this guy's just discovered 428 00:19:44,363 --> 00:19:47,483 that his freshly dug basement is below the water table, so... 429 00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:54,163 If Cathy can't be bothered, then why should I? 430 00:19:54,163 --> 00:19:57,203 Yeah, yeah, no, but totally agree, yeah. 431 00:19:57,203 --> 00:19:59,603 So, Cat... 432 00:20:01,403 --> 00:20:04,083 ..did you get any Valentine's Day cards this year? 433 00:20:06,043 --> 00:20:07,963 What have I said about falling in love with me? 434 00:20:07,963 --> 00:20:11,723 I've never felt like this. I think I love ya. 435 00:20:11,723 --> 00:20:13,043 Ohh. 436 00:20:13,043 --> 00:20:14,963 You're dead smart, you're proper funny, 437 00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:17,283 you're literally the kindest person I've ever met 438 00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:19,923 and I haven't even mentioned your bangin' baps. 439 00:20:19,923 --> 00:20:21,563 Oh, God. 440 00:20:23,443 --> 00:20:25,563 DISTANT CRYING 441 00:20:28,683 --> 00:20:30,443 Can you hear crying? 442 00:20:32,443 --> 00:20:33,883 Everything all right up there? 443 00:20:33,883 --> 00:20:36,443 Bloody Deggs has just admitted his undying love for me. 444 00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:37,763 CAR HORN BLARES 445 00:20:37,763 --> 00:20:39,763 It's time to face the music. 446 00:20:39,763 --> 00:20:41,043 Wish me luck. 447 00:20:47,723 --> 00:20:49,323 Hello, Peter. 448 00:20:49,323 --> 00:20:50,763 Where's Tina? 449 00:20:50,763 --> 00:20:52,083 She's at a secure location. 450 00:20:57,443 --> 00:20:59,403 OK, she's here, 451 00:20:59,403 --> 00:21:01,803 but I really needed to see you. 452 00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:03,803 Whose house is this? 453 00:21:03,803 --> 00:21:05,483 It's Marilyn's. 454 00:21:05,483 --> 00:21:06,803 Who's Marilyn? 455 00:21:06,803 --> 00:21:09,843 Oh, it's too complicated to explain. 456 00:21:09,843 --> 00:21:14,723 Actually, you know, it's not that complicated, it's just a bit... 457 00:21:14,723 --> 00:21:16,283 ..it's a bit messy. 458 00:21:18,683 --> 00:21:20,603 Come on, Tina, in the car. 459 00:21:22,443 --> 00:21:25,043 Oh, I miss you. 460 00:21:25,043 --> 00:21:26,443 I know. 461 00:21:29,363 --> 00:21:34,123 Come on, Tina, get in the car, do as he says. 462 00:21:34,123 --> 00:21:38,123 OK, look, I'll get the back, you get the front. 463 00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:44,643 Open the car, open the car! 464 00:21:44,643 --> 00:21:46,003 OK, I'm opening it. 465 00:21:48,243 --> 00:21:52,203 I don't know why we just didn't get a chihuahua. 466 00:21:52,203 --> 00:21:54,523 Come on, then, in. 467 00:21:54,523 --> 00:21:57,483 Tina. Tina, in you get. 468 00:21:57,483 --> 00:22:00,443 I'll get her paws in first and then you push her. 469 00:22:00,443 --> 00:22:03,203 To be fair, I deserve the end with the arsehole. 470 00:22:03,203 --> 00:22:04,803 Come on. 471 00:22:05,963 --> 00:22:07,523 Stay. 472 00:22:16,323 --> 00:22:18,763 Next time you're passing, 473 00:22:18,763 --> 00:22:22,443 do you want to go for a walk with me and Tina? 474 00:22:22,443 --> 00:22:25,803 Yeah. That'd be, um... 475 00:22:25,803 --> 00:22:26,963 Yeah. 476 00:22:34,443 --> 00:22:39,523 # Sitting here thinking, baby, about you... # 477 00:22:43,083 --> 00:22:45,083 I'll jump. I don't care any more. 478 00:22:45,083 --> 00:22:48,883 What's the point of living if you don't love me? 479 00:22:48,883 --> 00:22:51,643 Come on, Deggs, get inside, don't be an idiot. 480 00:22:51,643 --> 00:22:54,283 Ohh... Bloody teenagers. 481 00:23:01,203 --> 00:23:03,563 HE GIGGLES 482 00:23:03,563 --> 00:23:05,163 Oh, OK! 483 00:23:07,483 --> 00:23:08,923 Oh... 484 00:23:10,403 --> 00:23:12,123 HE PANTS 485 00:23:14,963 --> 00:23:16,403 Ooh, actually, careful, 486 00:23:16,403 --> 00:23:18,603 cos you might crease your trousers. 487 00:23:18,603 --> 00:23:19,683 Doesn't matter. 488 00:23:20,883 --> 00:23:23,083 I'm just going to nip to the bathroom. 489 00:23:33,523 --> 00:23:35,203 Can't bear it, I have to fold. 490 00:23:37,003 --> 00:23:38,043 Oh. 491 00:23:41,403 --> 00:23:43,763 Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. 492 00:23:49,163 --> 00:23:50,523 Where did you find that? 493 00:23:50,523 --> 00:23:52,163 I'm sorry, 494 00:23:52,163 --> 00:23:54,723 I...I barely saw anything, it just fell out of your... 495 00:23:54,723 --> 00:23:57,323 ..your trousers when I was folding them. Oh, God. 496 00:23:57,323 --> 00:23:59,563 No, honestly, honestly, it didn't ruin the surprise, 497 00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,523 I mean, I know we've only known each other 498 00:24:02,523 --> 00:24:04,523 a matter of weeks and, 499 00:24:04,523 --> 00:24:07,003 you know, madder things have happened. 500 00:24:07,003 --> 00:24:08,843 I guess I've always played it safe in the past 501 00:24:08,843 --> 00:24:10,843 and look where that's got me, so, erm... 502 00:24:12,083 --> 00:24:13,123 ..yes. 503 00:24:14,243 --> 00:24:16,683 Oh, my God. Yes. 504 00:24:16,683 --> 00:24:18,563 I will marry you. 505 00:24:18,563 --> 00:24:20,203 Mahh! 506 00:24:21,683 --> 00:24:23,843 That's my wedding ring. 507 00:24:25,843 --> 00:24:27,843 What? You're married? 508 00:24:27,843 --> 00:24:31,283 I lost one once, so I always put it inside the box. 509 00:24:31,283 --> 00:24:33,683 Oh, my God, you've done this before? 510 00:24:33,683 --> 00:24:35,803 Does your wife know about this? 511 00:24:35,803 --> 00:24:38,163 No, of course not! 512 00:24:38,163 --> 00:24:39,643 Do you want me to leave? 513 00:24:39,643 --> 00:24:43,163 Yes, I want you to leave! Get out! 514 00:24:49,723 --> 00:24:51,683 Wait, no, no, no, 515 00:24:51,683 --> 00:24:55,083 my ex-fiance is downstairs and I need him to believe that we are 516 00:24:55,083 --> 00:24:57,803 partaking in some seriously top-notch banging. 517 00:24:57,803 --> 00:25:00,323 How long does it usually take you to do the deed? 518 00:25:00,323 --> 00:25:02,323 Erm, my PB is three hours. 519 00:25:02,323 --> 00:25:03,843 Three hours? 520 00:25:03,843 --> 00:25:06,403 I'm not sitting here for three hours. 521 00:25:06,403 --> 00:25:09,963 OK, let's call it 15 minutes. I'll set a timer. 522 00:25:23,803 --> 00:25:25,803 Could we at least play some music? 523 00:25:26,843 --> 00:25:29,403 MUSIC FROM UPSTAIRS 524 00:25:29,403 --> 00:25:32,923 Mmm, these yoghurts are delicious. 525 00:25:32,923 --> 00:25:35,483 Wait till you get to the prune layer at the bottom. 526 00:25:35,483 --> 00:25:37,683 TIMER RINGS 527 00:25:42,483 --> 00:25:43,523 DOOR OPENS 528 00:25:47,563 --> 00:25:51,363 Cathy, that was amazing, the best of my life. 529 00:25:51,363 --> 00:25:52,643 Don't overegg it. 530 00:25:52,643 --> 00:25:55,363 Yes, we'll definitely have to do this again soon. 531 00:25:55,363 --> 00:25:57,123 OK, bye now. 532 00:25:57,123 --> 00:25:58,523 QUIETLY: You piece of shit. 533 00:26:08,083 --> 00:26:11,363 You're so right about that pruney bottom. 534 00:26:11,363 --> 00:26:12,483 Mmm. 535 00:26:13,643 --> 00:26:15,883 Come on, Deggs, man, it's not worth it. 536 00:26:15,883 --> 00:26:18,363 Look, me mum's made stuffed-crust pizzas. 537 00:26:18,363 --> 00:26:20,003 No. I can't. 538 00:26:20,003 --> 00:26:23,643 My heart's been broken into a million billion tiny pieces. 539 00:26:23,643 --> 00:26:26,843 Poor kid, I know how he feels. 540 00:26:26,843 --> 00:26:30,523 Right. If Mohammed won't come to the Marilyn, 541 00:26:30,523 --> 00:26:32,523 the Marilyn will go to Mohammed. 542 00:26:39,483 --> 00:26:43,803 There's no point trying to talk to me, Cat's mum, I'm a broken man. 543 00:26:43,803 --> 00:26:45,923 It bloody hurts, doesn't it? 544 00:26:47,483 --> 00:26:52,803 You did an amazing thing, Deggs - you told someone you love them. 545 00:26:54,323 --> 00:26:58,403 Loads of folk spend their entire lives without being able 546 00:26:58,403 --> 00:27:00,563 to tell people that. 547 00:27:00,563 --> 00:27:02,683 Really? 548 00:27:02,683 --> 00:27:05,763 I think what you did was brilliant. 549 00:27:07,003 --> 00:27:09,363 Thanks, Cat's mum. 550 00:27:09,363 --> 00:27:12,403 Now, do you want to come inside? 551 00:27:12,403 --> 00:27:15,963 Because I'm sure I can dig out a Beck's Blue. 552 00:27:15,963 --> 00:27:19,603 It's so old now, it's probably alcoholic. 553 00:27:19,603 --> 00:27:23,123 Thank you. I'm coming down, guys, I'm coming down. 554 00:27:23,123 --> 00:27:25,603 HE SNIFFLES 555 00:27:25,603 --> 00:27:27,483 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 556 00:27:44,963 --> 00:27:47,403 Hey, it's me. Can I come over? 557 00:27:51,363 --> 00:27:56,123 Angela, my cushions smell of raw bacon and dog's arseholes. 558 00:27:56,123 --> 00:27:57,883 You'll miss me when I've gone. 559 00:27:59,883 --> 00:28:01,763 Oh. 560 00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:04,003 Just can't believe I thought Eamon was going to be 561 00:28:04,003 --> 00:28:05,483 a corner of my golden triangle. 562 00:28:05,483 --> 00:28:07,723 No, you deserve someone amazing, babes. 563 00:28:07,723 --> 00:28:10,523 Only the best for us Catherine Walcotts. 564 00:28:10,523 --> 00:28:15,843 Oh, can you give him back this when you see him in class? 565 00:28:15,843 --> 00:28:17,563 He left it at my house. 566 00:28:17,563 --> 00:28:19,483 Right, I should go. 567 00:28:19,483 --> 00:28:21,963 Deggs, I can give you a lift if you want. 568 00:28:21,963 --> 00:28:23,363 Ahh. 569 00:28:25,723 --> 00:28:27,643 Bye, babe. Bye. 570 00:28:28,803 --> 00:28:30,323 Right. 571 00:28:33,883 --> 00:28:37,563 So, am I right in thinking you're single now? 572 00:28:40,483 --> 00:28:45,403 # Wake up, Maggie, I think I got somethin' to say to you 573 00:28:47,763 --> 00:28:53,243 # It's late September and I really should be back at school 574 00:28:55,323 --> 00:29:01,563 # I know I keep you amused, but I feel I'm being used 575 00:29:01,563 --> 00:29:08,163 # Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more 576 00:29:10,003 --> 00:29:12,403 You led me away from home... #