This is how bad it got,
I ended up eating the fruit from the bowl on the hotel reception,
just so I wouldn't have to pay for breakfast.
I really need to sort your father's pension.
It's fine, Mum, I'll cover your rent.
It's not just the rent though, Cathy,
I'm down to my last 50 Nectar points.
I'm having to go
to Marilyn's tonight just to get fed.
BELL RINGS
Ooh, early Valentine?
Uh, God I wish - my gentleman well is bone dry.
I'm actually going to a GCSE Maths class.
Why? Got a first-class degree in Maths.
I know, but I promised Cat I'd go for moral support.
I actually could do with the ego boost,
even if it is by beating a load of 15-year-olds in
a maths quiz. All right, then.
God, I love me some maths.
Ooh, exciting.
Oh, I'm brickin' it going back to school.
Y'know, I spent three years on my own in the toilet cos I hated it that much.
Yeah, but I'm going to be your mathematical wing-woman this time.
Ooh, before I forget...
Got you this.
Aww.
It's a calculator.
I've already got one on my phone.
It was Dad's, just does your basics,
your matrix and vector calculations and such. What?
Man, I envy you.
You know, I've always thought if I was kicked in
the head by a horse and lost my entire memory,
at least I could relearn maths.
Oh, it'd be like I'd never seen Bridgerton.
Do you know what I would re-listen to for the first time?
Coldplay's Yellow.
Oh, hi, is this is the GCSE Maths crammer?
Get your good selves in here. I'm Eamon Hammond.
You must be Catherine Walcott and, ah,
there's been an admin error, I've got you down twice here.
Oh, no we're both Catherine Walcotts, we're sisters.
Am I calling you both Catherine?
Oh, no, I'm Cathy and she's Cat.
Well, grab yourself a seat, guys
because where we're about to go is
going to knock your little sockettes off.
I'm Cat, try not to fall in love with me, yeah?
So let's start with
a simple equation.
U plus Me equals success.
Put it there, Cat. Oh, it's Cathy, but...
Oh, my bad, Cathy!
Right.
Oh, that Eamon Hammond is an absolute hunk,
isn't he? Two plus two equals phwoar.
I'd resit all my exams if he was my teacher.
HORN HONKS
Cat, Cathy, over here! We've come to pick you up.
Ohh, I've been kicking myself since
I missed your first first day at school,
so there was no way
I was missing this one. And who's this?
Err, Patrick, but everyone calls me Deggs,
or Little D, or Yung Deggy with... with no O in the young,
just, just Yung Deggy.
Enchante, Yung Deggy. Marilyn, Little Tess,
and this is young Angela.
Cathy, Tess tells me you can help me win my men back. Sorry?
Oh, you're going to look at memorial benches with Callum tomorrow, aren't you?
Surely you could put in a good word.
Oh, yeah,
I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable being
the sort of go-between, I'd, er, I'd rather remain
the sort of Switzerland of the situation, if I may.
What you on about Switzerland?
Oh, the, er, the Swiss were famously impartial between the Allies
and the Nazis during World War II.
What, Angela's a Nazi?
No, no-one's a Nazi. Question, how are you going to get two extra
people and two bikes in that car?
Oh, shit, me bike's been nicked.
That solves that, then.
CORK POPS
Hey! Oh-ho, to the new director
of Aggregate Excess Of Loss Products,
congratulations on your promotion.
Well done, well done.
Thank you. Oh, you're probably not old enough for a glass of champagne, are you? Great job.
Oh, hi, hi, hi, hi there, yeah,
I need some legal advice on a gender discrimination issue.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Cathy? You all right in there?
Just making sure you haven't injured yourself or attacked anything.
I-I-I'm just...
..doing a big poo.
You shouldn't really be shitting in the disabled toilet.
Anyway, your mum's at reception.
So if I want to make an outside call to a friend or... Hi, Mum.
Hello, darling, good news.
I've got myself a trial as a receptionist.
Gloria here has just been bringing me up
to speed on headset etiquette,
so it means I'll finally be able to pay my own rent.
Oh, wow, where is it?
It's, a sort of, er, boutiquey, specialisty, officey...
It's the other side of town and it's...it's sort of a wellness
centre with...with a health practitioner.
Are you working for Marcus's surgery?
Yes, OK, yes, I am,
but, you know, just until the pension pay-out is sorted.
Oh, my God. After what he did to me?
Cathy. The only job I have ever had is as a housewife
and now I have neither a house nor am I a wife,
so you tell me,
what else am I good for
but a basic, low-skilled, dead-end job like receptioning?
Apologies for my mother, Gloria. Out, get out.
What did I do now?
Honestly, it's one thing after another, it really is.
Cat?
Are you doing anything for Valentines?
Wigging out over next week's mock exam, babe.
Here, do you guys want to come over to mine to revise after class tomorrow?
Yeah, yeah, will there be booze? I know I'm only 16, but...
No.
As the sad spinster of the village, it's a yes from me.
OK. First, I want to give a big woop-woop
to this week's maths magician, Cathy.
Ha-ha-ha. Lovely prime number trees, Cathy.
Oh, 83%.
Oh, this is Cat's, erm, the other Catherine Walcott, my sister.
Oh! My bad. Well done, Cat.
Bloody hell, that's good, innit? Amazing.
MUSIC PLAYS: Celebration by Kool & The Gang
All right, everybody up, I feel a maths dance coming on.
Yeah! Feel the maths!
It's not all about you, mate.
Hello.
Hi. Not kerb-crawling, I hope, Eamon.
Sorry?
Oh, I said I hope you're not kerb-crawling!
Is that a saying?
Oh, yes, it's what one does when one is picking up ladies of the night.
It gets a bit lost in translation, so...
Cos you're a prostitute?
Well, I prefer the term sex worker.
Oh, so you are a sex worker?
Oh, no, no, I wish I hadn't said anything now.
Great work today, I know talent when I see it.
Oh, well, thank you.
I mean, you have great eyes.
Erm, a great eye.
Also, full disclosure, I actually already have my Maths GCSE.
You are fascinating.
I really want to penetrate that head of yours.
Thank you, but it's not really that interesting.
I was wondering if maybe
I could take you to dinner tomorrow night?
Oh, erm...
I'm supposed to have a study sesh but, erm...
Yeah, I mean, it's Valentine's, so, so why not?
HORN HONKS
She said yes!
Ooh.
Sorry about this.
I thought you were getting here at 7:45? Yes.
We open at eight.
Can't start the day without a decent caffeine shot.
Don't worry, I got you an extra-milky latte.
Right, well, I'm going to let the patients in now.
Yeah, hold on while I do a pee-pee.
Won't be long.
Great.
Hello, you're early.
Yeah, I stayed at this girl's house last night
and it was, like, two roads down from here.
Oh. What luck. Is this girl some sort of pal or...?
Oh, no, it was just someone I hooked up with on Tinder.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
you know, you're just a young, single guy,
so why not? You know, spread your seed!
Shall we go?
Shut up, Cathy.
Oh, I think the benches are over there.
Ah, what about a memorial hammock?
Mmm...I don't know.
Not exactly a conventional sort of memorial bench,
you know, it's a bit avant-garde, I suppose.
It's like getting a thong on after you'd had a shower.
I mean, it's a lovely idea, Cat, but I don't think we're
going to fit three of us in there, will we?
You're kidding. Course you can. Look. Ooh.
Over. See?
Even room for one more.
OK, I'll just...
You've convinced me.
Ooh!
ALL GIGGLE
Oh, my God, Cathy!
Ahh, well, if it isn't Claire with an I from Dubai.
Oh, my God, hi, PC! Hi, OC, long time, no see.
Oh, this is Catherine,
though we actually called her PC at school.
For Pretty Cathy.
Yeah, or Primary Cathy.
And I was OC, as in Original Cathy.
Other Cathy.
Yeah. Erm... This is Callum and Cat.
The infamous Cat.
Claire told me all about you from the hen do.
For the wedding that didn't happen.
We're actually looking at benches.
It's our dad's first anniversary,
so we're doing a little memorial near his ashes.
Yeah, at the car park, back of Chorley Road.
The dogging car park? Yeah, do you got there often?
Ohh, who's this cute bundle of... baby?
This is my little bubba.
Coo-coo-coo-coo-coo.
BABY CRIES
Er, no, sorry, I didn't mean to do that, I don't...
Can I have a cuddle? Oh, yeah.
Thanks. Go for it.
Is that your new man? Is he why your wedding fell through?
Oh, no, no, this is my...
Brother. Yeah, I'm their brother.
Oh, God, I didn't realise there were three of you.
Yeah, I am actually seeing someone at the moment, though,
his name is Eamon.
What, Eamon Hammond, our Maths teacher?
Er, yeah, yeah,
we're actually going out for a fancy Valentine's meal tonight.
You and your Maths teachers, OC.
You know, she slow danced
with our Head of Maths at the leaver's ball?
OK, it wasn't a slow dance, it was just...
I just held his hips in a conga line,
it was very innocent.
Well, I'm going to get this little chick home for a snooze,
but it was really nice to see you.
Yeah, and you.
Bitch.
Oh... Yargh.
Oh, God. Oh. You all right?
Why are they taking so long?
I can't believe a pension provider's being inundated
with calls, can you?
Do you need these Post-its? I'm kitting out
an office in Cat's room for her studies.
Oh, no, go for your life.
Office stationery is there to be pinched.
So nice to get another bite of the biscuit.
I can meet Cat from school, do her packed lunches,
buy fags for her friends.
Hi, are my results back yet?
I'm just on the phone.
Fine, date of birth and surname.
26th of the 5th, '69. Burrows.
'69, Burrows.
You've got a UTI.
Oh... Have you tried cranberry juice?
I have to say, it's never worked for me,
but it's all right with vodka.
I've just had a barrage of emails
saying no-one can get through to reception.
Oh, believe me, I'm as annoyed as you are, Marcus.
I've been on hold to this pension provider for over an hour.
An hour and 45.
You're not supposed to be behind reception.
I'm not stopping long.
Can you not vape in here, please?
I'm not.
MAN: Hello?
Hello? Hello, Peter? It's me.
Look, I really... I really need to talk to you.
And I just want to say I'm... I'm so... I'm so, so sorry,
and if you could just give me a
chance...
LINE CUTS OFF
Hello, Mrs Douglas, sorry we're late.
Tina Turner wouldn't get in the back of the van again.
Hello, girl. Oh, thank you, Mel, thank you.
See you tomorrow, Mrs Douglas. OK.
Come on. Come on, Tina, you're coming with Mummy.
So, while I have you,
I think it'd be good if we took a DNA test,
just in case there's anyone else out there
and to avoid a repeat of... Snogging a relly.
So I thought we could all do a test now
and then if you want to get it on with a consenting adult,
just ask your intended
to spit in this pot, pop it in the post
and they will email you the results in 21 working days.
So if you could just remain chaste for a month
and a day, that'd be great.
Are you saying I can't have sex for a month?
And a day. Yeah.
OK, so there you go, Cat.
There you are.
So just spit in the pot and that'd be great.
Are you going to make our Maths teacher do a test?
Well, you know, if push comes to shovey time, then,
yeah, I will get him to spit for me.
I can't believe you're blowing me out to go on a date
with Eamon Hammond. Talk about being a teacher's pet.
Look, I've got to think of my golden triangle.
Isn't family part of your golden triangle?
SHE HAWKS UP SPIT
You know, if a great guy asks me on a date, then I'd be
a numpty not to go.
Also, ethically, it's not really on for a pupil
to be dating a teacher, so FYI, I'm quitting Maths.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, yes. Yes, I know,
I've been on hold for over an hour
and I really need to talk to someone about this pension.
Ooh, could you come back in five?
My friend's just using the computer to book a hotel.
Nothing's available tonight,
everybody's shagging their lover on Valentine's.
God, I miss hotel sex.
You know, it's so clean and yet so dirty,
and you get to keep the shampoo.
Well, why don't we all do something?
I could buy some Spumante
and we could watch YouTube videos of Anthony Joshua looking sweaty?
Right. Meredith has just got back from shooting
the cover of her cookbook, so I am taking the afternoon off
to spoil her rotten. Oh, my G... What is this?
What's what?
This. Whose dog is this?
"This" has a name.
Her name's Tina Turner and I'm holding her hostage.
Don't ask. I'm not going to remind you again, Tess,
you are here to work and I'm not going to give you
any special treatment just because you're my ex-mother-in-law.
Good.
I can't believe Cathy dumped me to get it on with him.
What's wrong with your face?
Oh, nothing, I just shaved.
OK. Guys, I got to get out of here at 7:30 tonight,
for a piping hot date, so let's have a bit of extra focus,
shall we? OK. Ratios homework.
Cat, not your best work.
Yeah, I just couldn't get my head around
the bit where it said that Eli needed...
I'm in a bit of a hurry tonight, yeah?
The answer is nine. Eli has nine, Bobby has two.
Which means this week's magic-matician is Debbie!
MUSIC PLAYS: Celebration by Kool & The Gang
Whoa, I don't have time for impromptu maths dances.
Music off, please.
Right, probability.
Marcus? What are you doing here?
Meredith has chucked me.
Yeah, one minute we're sharing a mezze,
and the next, I'm single with way too much tzatziki.
I mean, what is the point of anything any more?
Do you know what? I'm going to drink all of this.
Ahh, uhh...
Oh, Marcus. Look, do you want to come back to ours?
Will, erm... Will Cathy be there?
No. You'll just have to make do with little old me.
Thanks, Tess-co Superstore.
Hey, we could watch Grand Designs
and guess how much money they've lost, like in the old days.
CAR BEEPS
Right, we're here.
Tina, Tina.
Look more like a hostage.
Why is there a horse in our house?
It's Tina Turner.
I'm texting Peter
a hostage address pick-up, then he'll have to see me.
Um, go upstairs, there's a surprise for you.
Come on, Deggs.
I'll leave you to it. No, I won't leave you to it
cos I want to know what you think.
Aww! Oh! Ha-ha! I got a bit carried away.
I'll get you a couple of extra chairs for your study buddies.
Oh, cheers, Mum - it's just me and Deggs tonight.
Cathy's blown us out to shag the teacher.
Oh. Then there's more Maths to go round,
and there's pizza and crisps downstairs if you're hungry.
You got any booze? BOTH: No!
Sorry about the crazy vibe.
Oh!
It turns out it's quite hard to get
the last-minute table on Valentine's night.
Oh, my goodness, how could I forget?
Oh, my.
Oh, it's a sweetie pi, I love it.
Yeah, baby!
Cathy...
..I've been thinking about this date all day -
I could barely sleep last night, dreaming about you -
and I just want to say...
..you're really something else, honey girl.
Ohh.
Do you mind if I kiss you?
Yes, please.
Thunderbolt city.
I feel like Tom Cruise on Oprah,
when he lost his head then trampolined around
the sofa about the lady from Jacob's Creek.
Can we go back to your place?
Yes.
I mean, actually, I'm staying with my mum at the moment,
but she's out with my dad's other lover,
so, sure, live in the moment.
Oh, actually, sorry, weird question,
but how much do you look like your dad?
We're almost identical.
Oh, my God, yeah.
Now I'm even more aroused.
Can't get enough of your mouth!
Oh, Cathy, I thought you were on a date.
What the actual F is Marcus doing here?
Hello. Hello.
I'm Cathy's mum.
Goodness' sake.
Come on, Eamon, don't mind them.
Should I leave?
No, no, it's fine.
Anyway, this guy's just discovered
that his freshly dug basement is below the water table, so...
If Cathy can't be bothered, then why should I?
Yeah, yeah, no, but totally agree, yeah.
So, Cat...
..did you get any Valentine's Day cards this year?
What have I said about falling in love with me?
I've never felt like this. I think I love ya.
Ohh.
You're dead smart, you're proper funny,
you're literally the kindest person I've ever met
and I haven't even mentioned your bangin' baps.
Oh, God.
DISTANT CRYING
Can you hear crying?
Everything all right up there?
Bloody Deggs has just admitted his undying love for me.
CAR HORN BLARES
It's time to face the music.
Wish me luck.
Hello, Peter.
Where's Tina?
She's at a secure location.
OK, she's here,
but I really needed to see you.
Whose house is this?
It's Marilyn's.
Who's Marilyn?
Oh, it's too complicated to explain.
Actually, you know, it's not that complicated, it's just a bit...
..it's a bit messy.
Come on, Tina, in the car.
Oh, I miss you.
I know.
Come on, Tina, get in the car, do as he says.
OK, look, I'll get the back, you get the front.
Open the car, open the car!
OK, I'm opening it.
I don't know why we just didn't get a chihuahua.
Come on, then, in.
Tina. Tina, in you get.
I'll get her paws in first and then you push her.
To be fair, I deserve the end with the arsehole.
Come on.
Stay.
Next time you're passing,
do you want to go for a walk with me and Tina?
Yeah. That'd be, um...
Yeah.
# Sitting here thinking, baby, about you... #
I'll jump. I don't care any more.
What's the point of living if you don't love me?
Come on, Deggs, get inside, don't be an idiot.
Ohh... Bloody teenagers.
HE GIGGLES
Oh, OK!
Oh...
HE PANTS
Ooh, actually, careful,
cos you might crease your trousers.
Doesn't matter.
I'm just going to nip to the bathroom.
Can't bear it, I have to fold.
Oh.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Where did you find that?
I'm sorry,
I...I barely saw anything, it just fell out of your...
..your trousers when I was folding them. Oh, God.
No, honestly, honestly, it didn't ruin the surprise,
I mean, I know we've only known each other
a matter of weeks and,
you know, madder things have happened.
I guess I've always played it safe in the past
and look where that's got me, so, erm...
..yes.
Oh, my God. Yes.
I will marry you.
Mahh!
That's my wedding ring.
What? You're married?
I lost one once, so I always put it inside the box.
Oh, my God, you've done this before?
Does your wife know about this?
No, of course not!
Do you want me to leave?
Yes, I want you to leave! Get out!
Wait, no, no, no,
my ex-fiance is downstairs and I need him to believe that we are
partaking in some seriously top-notch banging.
How long does it usually take you to do the deed?
Erm, my PB is three hours.
Three hours?
I'm not sitting here for three hours.
OK, let's call it 15 minutes. I'll set a timer.
Could we at least play some music?
MUSIC FROM UPSTAIRS
Mmm, these yoghurts are delicious.
Wait till you get to the prune layer at the bottom.
TIMER RINGS
DOOR OPENS
Cathy, that was amazing, the best of my life.
Don't overegg it.
Yes, we'll definitely have to do this again soon.
OK, bye now.
QUIETLY: You piece of shit.
You're so right about that pruney bottom.
Mmm.
Come on, Deggs, man, it's not worth it.
Look, me mum's made stuffed-crust pizzas.
No. I can't.
My heart's been broken into a million billion tiny pieces.
Poor kid, I know how he feels.
Right. If Mohammed won't come to the Marilyn,
the Marilyn will go to Mohammed.
There's no point trying to talk to me, Cat's mum, I'm a broken man.
It bloody hurts, doesn't it?
You did an amazing thing, Deggs - you told someone you love them.
Loads of folk spend their entire lives without being able
to tell people that.
Really?
I think what you did was brilliant.
Thanks, Cat's mum.
Now, do you want to come inside?
Because I'm sure I can dig out a Beck's Blue.
It's so old now, it's probably alcoholic.
Thank you. I'm coming down, guys, I'm coming down.
HE SNIFFLES
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Hey, it's me. Can I come over?
Angela, my cushions smell of raw bacon and dog's arseholes.
You'll miss me when I've gone.
Oh.
Just can't believe I thought Eamon was going to be
a corner of my golden triangle.
No, you deserve someone amazing, babes.
Only the best for us Catherine Walcotts.
Oh, can you give him back this when you see him in class?
He left it at my house.
Right, I should go.
Deggs, I can give you a lift if you want.
Ahh.
Bye, babe. Bye.
Right.
So, am I right in thinking you're single now?
# Wake up, Maggie, I think I got somethin' to say to you
# It's late September and I really should be back at school
# I know I keep you amused, but I feel I'm being used
# Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more
You led me away from home... #