These are serious allegations.
Cathy's saying you discriminated against her because she's a lady.
Well, I didn't.
She told me I couldn't get the promotion
because I was of child-bearing age.
You are of child-bearing age.
You can't argue with biology, Cathy.
It's blatant gender discrimination.
Oh, how can I discriminate against you for being a woman
when I myself am a woman?
OK, Jen, you can leave now, love.
Pfft. Sorry about her. Probably on her period.
Anyway, we've heard both sides of this tribunal
and we would like to offer you a different promotion.
How would you like to be
our new Divisional Director of Delegated Authorities?
Er...yes! You know, I love Delegated Authorities.
Yes, please. Thank you.
Great. If you could just sign this nondisclosure agreement.
I got the promotion!
But not the promotion,
but a different, even better promotion. You are looking at
the new Divisional Director of Delegated Authorities.
Wow. Cat, did you hear that?
Cathy got her promotion promoted.
She's the new Divisional Direction of Deliberate... de-mark-a-tese.
Close enough. Yeah.
She's probably got her head stuck in a maths textbook. Shall I...?
Thank you.
Now, Cathy, do I need a bikini?
Or will they let me sunbathe topless?
It's a working farm, so we're just going to be helping Dawn lambing.
So you'll just need a change of clothes
and a pair of sensible shoes.
How dare you!
I've never owned a pair of sensible shoes in my life.
OK. Shall I take that?
Get a wiggle on, Cat.
Oh. I'm not sure I'm in the mood to go sheeping, babe.
Listen, if this is about your maths revision,
then you really need to take a break.
I once revised for 63 days on the trot,
and my fringe fell out.
Hence the fact that I'm wearing a beret in my graduation photo.
Plus, a little surprise - look who's in the car.
What are you doing? Sh. I'm hiding from my mum.
Oh, chill. She's at marriage counselling with your dad.
Oh. Good luck with that.
This is Callum, oh!
Aren't you just the spit of your sisters?
I always said Colin had very powerful sperm.
Hmm.
PHONE RINGS
"Eamon Hammond, maths teacher." I could actually answer this.
No way! Sorry. Oh, gosh. Sorry about that.
It's fine, don't worry.
Cat, you've got to come. It's going to be really hard work.
We'll barely get any sleep and the weather looks awful,
but it'll be so, so fun.
Will there be blood? There might be some blood.
It doesn't sound much of a holiday
if we're all going to be covered in blood.
Let's stop thinking about the blood.
Let's focus on the fact
that I want to share my favourite place on Earth
with my favourite people on Earth.
Mm. OK. Fine. I'll come.
Great. Am I going to need a bikini,
or are they cool with proper sunbathing?
OK. You're doing really well.
I'm just going to come out now. OK.
Right, I'm offski. If Colin's pension company calls,
tell them to try my mobile.
Marcus?
I'm so sorry.
It was the Bake Off semis last night,
and Meredith got down to the last three.
Oh. I haven't watched it yet. No spoilers, please.
I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm just so fragile at the moment.
Where are you going to?
Oh. Just my sister's farm.
It's our annual weekend to help with the lambing.
Oh, Dawn's farm. Oh, my God.
Those are some of my happiest memories with you guys.
Yeah. Arm-deep in a ewe, guiding out a ruptured placenta.
I'd give anything to do that again.
But I guess I've made my single bed,
and I have to sleep in it alone.
I mean, did you want to come to the farm with us?
Yes. Yes, I would.
I'll just break the bad news about this guy's prostate
and I'll meet you by the car.
Come on! In here, in here.
Oh. Hi. Yeah. Great. Perfect.
Hello, welcome! Oh!
Oh, Cathy, my love! Here she is.
I hear congrats are in order on your promotion.
Oh, yeah, big promotion, and a weekend with the fam.
Now it just needs a hot farm hand to fall in love with
and I've nailed my golden triangle.
Cat, Marilyn, it's huggy time. Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug!
Aww. I've got some energy drinks. Oh.
As a thank-you for having us.
We don't get any of these exotic drinks out here in the sticks,
unless you count Gaviscon.
Oh. You must be Callum.
I mean, phwoar!
We could do with those muscles out here on the farm.
Nice to meet you, Auntie Dawn. Oh... Oh.
Oh, it's so weird.
I've got this odd sensation that I've been here before,
but I've never set foot on a farm in my life.
You've never been to a farm? I can't believe you've never been to a farm.
Have you ever been to an orgy? No.
Well, there you go. Horses for courses.
Wow. Oh.
Oh, my God.
Bloody hell! Golly gosh.
I didn't know I was sisters with Sir Knight Rider.
Hello, darling. I hope nobody minds.
I have brought a plus one.
Oh, what?
No, no, no, no, no, no. What the Effing McJeff is Marcus doing here?
Look, I will explain. Please don't make a scene. Hi, Auntie Dawn.
Don't "Auntie Dawn" Auntie Dawn. She ain't your auntie.
Yeah, well, she's not your auntie either.
All right? You must be Callum. I'm Marcus.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Firm handshake there. How tall are you?
6'2".
Ah, cool, cool, yeah. I'm 6'3", in Skechers.
Do you work out? Do you...? Do you box?
No, I'm a model. Can't mess up my face.
I'm more of a netball guy. People say it's a girls' sport,
but it's actually quite physical. Slam dunk!
Right, "ewe" lot,
"hewe" wants to see some pregnant ewes?
Yes, please. Mm?
Watch the sheep shit.
SHEEP BLEAT
This place feels so familiar. Not deja vu,
Just like it's actually kind of creepy.
Aww. Will you pop that in the visitors' book?
Right, guys. The plan. We're working shifts through the night.
It's a two-person job. So let's pair those who haven't done it before
with those who have done it.
Not Dawn, please, not Dawn.
Marilyn, why don't you and I buddy up for the first shift?
Guys, we're in luck. This one is about to have a lamb. Oh!
How do you know when she's going to pop?
With Cathy, I started furiously cleaning the house.
I got incredibly horny.
Can you see? Her vulva is very pink.
Oh, a girl after my own heart.
But it might need a little bit of help getting the lamb out.
Yeah. I'll do it.
Why don't we let someone who hasn't done it before? Cat?
No. No way am I fisting a sheep.
I'll give it a go.
Good man.
Hold this, will you, mate?
Right.
So, very gently,
just insert your fingers,
slide them in, that's right.
Can you feel the legs?
I want you just to hold firmly and pull, pull, pull, pull.
Pull, pull, pull. A little bit harder, a little bit harder. Oh.
Oh. And it's out!
LAMB BLEATS
Aww. Oh. Well done, Callum.
Callum, brilliant. You were amazing. Congratulations.
Yeah, well, credit to the ewe for doing the difficult bit,
rather than the man for the delivering. Am I right, ladies?
Oh, Cathy, can you give me a hand?
This is the only place I can get phone reception,
and I'm hoping they've called about your dad's pension.
Great, thank you.
So, are we going to talk
about the fact that you invited Marcus to my happy place?
I couldn't leave him on his own.
He's having a really hard time.
He was snot-crying at work and, you know,
you're courting, you've got your fancy promotion.
Meanwhile, look at him.
He's a shrivelled little mess of a man.
Bugger. No, no message. Can you give me a hand down?
Why don't you shout for Marcus? I'm sure he'd love to help you.
Ha-ha. Very funny. Oh, you're not joking.
Sorry, could you help?
Yeah, sure.
No, no, no! I've got you. I've got you.
Thank you. There you go. Thank you very much.
I found out that one of her brothers
who's over on the other side of the hill had also gone missing,
and we didn't see hide nor hair of her for two days.
And it turned out she'd been stuck down a rabbit hole.
Mm. Oh, wow.
This stuff is seriously quaffable. What are you doing?
I find myself drawn to this corner of the barn.
It's like there's something there for me. Oh.
Oh! You've found the old milking stool.
Oh, my mother used to sit on that when we were little
to milk the goat. God, it was antique then, ha!
This is freaky, Dawn,
but I have definitely sat on this before.
Do you think it's possible that I was a dairy maid in a past life?
Oh, it's quite possible.
I sometimes wonder if I wasn't a cocker spaniel in a past life.
Because every cocker I ever meet tries to attack me.
Mm. Or hump my leg.
COCKEREL CROWS
Good morning. How was the night shift?
Brilliant. Thanks to these little babies,
the night just flew by.
I think I'll do that, thank you very much.
Not going to have my guests cooking their own breakfast.
We're here to give you a break. Go and have some sleep.
No! No... where's Cat?
Oh, she's having a lie-in. Yeah. Good for her, you know.
Hats off to the max that she's knuckling down
with her maths revision, turning her life around.
It's lush conditions out there. Just beat my PB for 10K.
Ooh. Yeah, I could have gone for a run,
but I'm more of an upper body man myself.
Black pudding? Fried bread?
Oh, can I just have six egg whites?
I've got a shoot coming up, need to make a bit of an effort.
Actually, the same for me, please, Auntie Dawn, make it seven.
Right. After this,
I am going to chop a bit of wood for tonight,
and I'm going to head back to the sheds.
Auntie Dawn, if it's wood you need chopping, I've got this.
Yeah, yeah, I'll go to the sheds. You have a sleep.
Morning! Mm. Marilyn. I thought you'd headed up to bed?
Yes. I got a sudden urge to milk the goat.
The goat's a male.
I think this is the first time we've been on our own since...
Yeah. Well, I'm glad we're over that hump. Not hump. Or that.
Yeah, we should really get back to help Auntie Dawn.
So we might need to ride into the village
to get phone reception so I can call the pension people.
Oh! I feel like I've been riding a horse all my lives.
This is me.
Yes. I'm not sure, historically,
milkmaids were allowed on horseback, but sure.
I was. I had an affair with the lord of the manor,
and he gave me special dispensation. Yes.
That bit, I do believe.
I did try to have a sleep,
but I suddenly had this urge to make some lovely fig rolls. Aww.
Oh, my God. Cathy, fig rolls. Dad's favourite biscuit.
Auntie Dawn, do you mind if I take a couple more? No.
I just need to feed my brain for my maths revision.
Oh, OK. Yeah. You've got to get the height on it,
because basically, gravity just does the work for you.
Aah!
Yeah, you have a go. Now, remember what I told you.
Technique is key. So, just take your time,
but firm, you know.
Oh! Yes. That's the one.
PHONE RINGS
I'll just get the next one.
Unbelievable! The one time I have signal.
Listen, Eamon, you've got to stop calling me. It's over.
I don't care about that.
I just need my wedding ring back.
My wife is asking a lot of questions. Ow! Stupid stroller.
Yeah, well, I gave it to Cat to give to you in class.
Your sister hasn't been to class in three weeks.
I thought she'd quit with you. Coming, baby!
Aaaagh!
Ow, ow, ow!
Just hold still, for God's sake. Let me get it out.
I'd forgotten how lovely this place is.
Do you remember when I proposed to you?
What, in the smoking area of that restaurant?
No, no. The first time,
under the pear tree. We were so happy then.
Yeah, well, we all know how that turned out.
Ow!
It's absolutely tiny.
Mm.
More rabbit? Rabbit? Anyone want more rabbit?
Marilyn, another spoonful of rabbit?
I'm all right, thank you.
Oh, if it's food poisoning you're worried about,
they were shot in the head this morning.
Well...
I would like to raise a glass to my sister Dawn
for her hospitality,
and for our wonderful annual weekend on the farm.
And mega congratulations to Cathy
for her brilliant promotion,
and to Cat for nailing her maths revision.
Yeah. Well done, Cat.
I'm so proud of you for sticking with maths.
Oh, and to Callum for being the only guy in the village.
Er, hello? And Marcus. Right, don't worry about the washing up.
I am going to build a big old fire in the wood burner.
Oh, nice one. Yeah, Cat, we're on the night shift, remember?
Oh. Fine.
Oh, my God.
Look how many of these she's had.
You don't get half as many stars in the city.
Can't beat a bit of fresh air.
Probably why I slept so well when I was a milkmaid.
Then, of course, my bed was a hay bale.
My alarm clock was birdsong,
and my bathroom was yonder stream.
Yonder was a big word back in yesteryear,
as was "yesteryear", as was "smallpox."
I sleep really well here too.
Which is weird,
because I've been sleeping terribly since, you know.
Your mum's heartbroken.
She loves the arse off you, you know that.
There you are. Anyone need anything?
All right. Well, you know where to find me!
SHE CHUCKLES MANICALLY
I'll be chopping wood.
Who the fuck gave that woman energy drinks?
HE LAUGHS
SHEEP BLEAT
Bollocks. Phone's died.
I think that's a sign from Dad that I should probably go home.
It's definitely not a sign.
Oh, I'm knackered, Cath.
I was woken up well early by those stupid shouting hens.
Cockerels. So, you're just going to leave me on my own, are you?
Well, it's supposed to be a holiday, babe.
Right, and what do you need a holiday from? You don't have a job.
Well, I'm still knackered from all the revision.
Oh, whatever, Cat.
What's that supposed to mean?
I know you quit the maths class. Eamon Hammond told me.
Yeah, I quit. Big deal.
Well, why didn't you tell me? Because I knew you'd judge me,
even though you let me down by buggering off
with our maths teacher, which is especially shit
given that you knew how much I hated school.
Oh, God, spare me.
I didn't have a life like yours.
I didn't even have parents like yours.
I didn't even have a dad like yours
because he was so worried about losing your family
that he totally mugged mine off.
So your life not working out is my fault, is it?
Two words. Grow up.
Any time anything gets remotely tricky, you bolt for the hills.
You know, we should be having this argument in the stables,
because you are really milking your high horse.
That's not even an expression.
Stop correcting me! You know, you are such a frickin' hypocrite.
How dare you lecture me on my life decisions
when you're the one who took a promotion
from a bunch of sexist pricks?
Because I'm a realist.
OK, Cat? Life is about making compromises.
You know what? I don't need this. I'm out.
Good luck giving birth, lady sheeps.
Sheep! Singular.
What are you doing now?
I'm just chopping some wood for the fire.
Can't have my guests getting chilly.
PHONE PINGS
It's a message.
VOICEMAIL: Hello. This is Jill from Omega Pension Providers.
You'll be pleased to hear that we've spoken
to the recipient named on Mr Walcott's policy. Recipient?
And they've received all the payments to date.
We're going to go ahead and close the case now, my love.
Have a lovely weekend, my love. Bye, now!
What?
What the...?
Right, come on, Dawn, inside.
I really need a drink.
I'll be in as soon as I've finished this pile.
No, look. It's fine, it's not even that chilly.
I just need to go inside now. Come on. Come on.
Look, darling,
you really need to go easy with these energy drinks.
I'm going to take them away.
Oh, don't you dare!
Oh, God, where am I?
Oh, bloody hell.
Bollocks.
Come on, Dad.
What shall I do?
Give me a sign.
Brought you a hotty botty.
SHEEP BLEATS
Shit. How did you get out of the shed?
Help! Help!
Oh. I can't.
Oh, God.
I can't do it.
I can't.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck's sake.
OK. Oh! I can.
Right, I'm sorry about the acrylics, babe.
OK? OK.
Aah! Dawn, just give me the axe.
No. I want to finish this. Raaar!
OK, OK, all right. You keep the axe.
It's fine. Back, back, back, back.
Get Marcus.
Where's Cat? Oh, don't know.
Definitely not revising, I know that.
I'll stay up here with you if you like.
Be your "sheep-erone", ha!
Cathy, I need to tell you something.
The reason Meredith and I broke up
was because she realised that I'm still in love with you.
What?
It's true. I love you.
I love everything about you.
I love how you put Szechuan pepper in the grinder
instead of black pepper,
which is a real game-changer, by the way.
And how you can talk to anyone,
and be genuinely interested in what they have to say.
I love how kind you are to me, even though I really don't deserve it.
What I'm trying to say is,
can we try again?
We can take it as slow as you want.
Cathy, my balls are in your court.
Hmm.
Would you please be my girlfriend?
Marcus, Dawn's gone bonkers with the axe. We need you to sedate her.
Auntie Dawn! It's me. It's Marcus.
I've got to finish this pile.
It's OK.
That's cool. Finishing the job. I get that.
But we're all here to give you a rest, Auntie Dawn.
We can't have you chopping wood all night.
I've got to finish this pile.
I know you do. I'm just going to take these cans.
There we go. Good Auntie Dawn.
Yeah. Very gentle.
Nothing to worry about.
Let's all just take some deep breaths, yeah?
Deep breaths, Auntie Dawn.
You stole my special drinks!
I did it! I've got the axe!
That's my milking stool!
Marcus is giving Dawn some antihistamine sedative things
to knock her out. How's your stool?
She's ornamental rather than functional now.
Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, what a night.
You know, I just found out
Colin's pension has been going to somebody else.
What? Did they say who? Nope.
Oh, God, Marilyn,
you don't think there could be another family, do you?
I wouldn't put it past him.
I don't think we'll ever know everything about that man.
What am I going to do now?
No house, no pension, can't sell that bloody Ferrari.
Oh. I can't keep doing this.
I just need peace.
I might stay here with the sheep.
I know what you mean. I've found my inner milkmaid here.
You really believe in this past life stuff?
Of course.
I've had lives before, and I've had lives within this life.
I was someone else before I met Colin, and I'm someone else now.
I envy you. I need to live more lives.
I've barely even lived this life.
Mum, Mum! Mum, come here.
I did it! I gave birth to a baby sheep.
LAMB BLEATS
What the hell am I supposed to do now, Colin?
Don't worry, baby girl. I'm going to make you so proud.
I'm going to go back to school and I'm going to work my arse off,
and then next time you'll see me,
I'll show you what a success I've become.
CAR HORN BEEPS
Come on, Cat!
Are you sure you don't want me to stay an extra day?
Oh, God, no. You go on. I'm under doctor's orders.
No more energy drinks for this gal.
Oh, Cat, you go in the Ferrari with Mum.
It just makes more sense.
Oh. Shotgun! Sorry, mate.
The answer's yes.
Can I get you anything for the road?
Chicken? Rabbit? Rabbit, chicken? OK, bon voyage.
Look after my lamb, yeah? Don't you dare eat it.
MUSIC: 2-4-6-8 Motorway by Tom Robinson Band
# 2-4-6-8 ain't never too late
# Me and my radio truckin' on through the night
# 3-5-7-9 on a double white line
# Motorway sun coming up with the morning light
# Whizzkid sitting pretty on your two-wheel stallion
# This ol' ten-ton lorry got a bead on you
# Ain't no use setting up with a bad companion
# Ain't nobody get the better of you-know-who. #