Right, vectors.
Oh, God, we've got so much to get through.
Hey, relax. You're going to nail it.
And you've got all of tomorrow to revise. I don't.
I've got that stupid, dumb family thing to go to.
Just bail, then. Why don't you come mine?
We'll get some edibles off my cousin, you know.
Take the edge off the nerves.
No. I can't.
I promised Angela I'd get Callum along
to their bloody Northern Soul night,
which is annoying,
cos the last person I want to see is bloody Cathy.
APPROACHING: Come on, Angela. Have a look at some of my stuff. Shit.
When are you going to tell your family about this maths exam?
Never. I just don't want the pressure.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Are you all right, guys? Yeah. Yes, Cat's mum.
Just got to get to the wardrobe.
Now, what do you think?
There is this one, and then there's this one.
God, I've missed all this.
Mm, I am gagging to get back on the dance floor.
It's the closest I've come to ecstasy outside the bedroom.
I feel...flushed just thinking about it.
I feel sick.
What if Callum doesn't want to talk to me?
Are you kidding me?
A Northern Soul night is like dancing in
a big throbbing heart.
If you can't kiss and make up to a bit of Sandi Sheldon
and a bag of amphetamines, it's a lost cause.
If Callum doesn't want to see Angela, you shouldn't force it.
ALL: Shut up, Deggs. Come on.
Oh!
Sorry, forgot my girdle.
Oi. What? Don't you dare wank over my mum.
Sorry.
HE SIGHS
Right, vectors. Thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm pinching myself.
I can't believe I get to wake up to your cute button nose every morning.
ALARM RINGS
Whoa.
Oh. Sorry...sorry.
I've just got my first day with my new team
so I just wanted to make triply sure that I didn't over-sleep.
Wow. OK. Well, er,
can I take my sexy Divisional Director of Delegated Authorities
out for a celebratory dinner tonight?
Oh, I would love to,
but we've got Marilyn's stupid Northern Soul night.
Er, tomorrow?
Oh, balls. It's Dad's anniversary
so we've got to go to his memorial bench.
Ah. So, am I invited to either
of these or do I not count as family yet?
Oh, absolutely. It's just because
I haven't really broached our rekindling with Cat yet.
Why can't your sister just be happy for us?
Cos she's a big baby.
You know, she hasn't apologised for farm-gate yet.
CAMERA CLICKS
You're not taking a dick pic, are you?
No. I...I was just taking a photo of the spot on
the back of my neck that I can't see with my eyes.
And can you not joke about that, please?
It brings back a lot of painful memories.
Oh. I'm really sorry. Yeah, of course. Erm...
Look, why don't you and your spot come tonight?
Yeah? Absolutely.
MARCUS LAUGHS
Just a heads up,
Angela is planning a reunion with Callum,
and muggins here has been roped in to lure him.
No doubt Callum will be showing off his pecs to all and sundry.
I don't get why everyone finds him so attractive. Do you?
I...it's not really crossed my mind.
KNOCK
Sorry, can you knock? I did knock.
She did knock, to be fair.
Thank you, Marcus. I brought your favourite.
Porridge with blueberries and honey.
Booyah. Thanks, Tess Express.
HE LAUGHS
# If you change your mind
# I'm the first in line
# Honey, I'm still free
# Take a chance on me... #
SHE SIGHS
# If you need me, let me know
# Gonna be around... #
DOOR SHUTS HEAVILY
# If you've got no place to go
# When you're feeling down
# If you're all alone
# When the pretty birds have flown
# Honey, I'm still free
# Take a chance on me
# Gonna do my very best
# And it ain't no lie
# If you put me to the test
# If you let... #
DOOR BANGS
Fucking door.
Do you mind if I watch some telly?
Yeah, whatever.
CAT CLEARS THROAT
Hello. I'm Catherine Walcott.
I'm the new Divisional Director of Delegated Authorities.
Morgan Philips.
Director of Insurance Linked Securities.
Shaun Palmer.
Practice Leader for Residual Value Insurance. Whatever that means.
OK. Well, I brought you some doughnuts,
and I'm very excited to be working with you both.
Do you want to just step into the kitchen for a moment?
Sorry, what's all this about? Sh.
COFFEE MACHINE DRONES
You can't be too sure they're not listening.
So...
..what did you do to get sent here, hey?
Huh? Official complaint? Oh, are you a whistle-blower?
I'm sorry?
I asked for my statutory two-week paternity leave
when my triplets were born.
I complained about the disabled access.
They make you sign an NDA? Yeah.
And then they offered you the promotion to pay you off?
Shit.
All right. Woo!
Finally welcoming the waiting room to the 21st century.
OK. Press play.
Am I going mad or does that look a bit like me?
Yes.
But older, much older.
So, you want me to sit here all day watching myself nearly dying
in a variety of different ways?
Have you any idea when you might be moving on,
by the way?
I am going to need to find a permanent replacement.
I will be remaining in my post until further notice.
Also, if I'm not receiving Colin's pension,
I am going to need a pay rise.
I read in The Telegraph that Meghan Markle pays
her executive PA $170,000 a year.
Right. You are on a pretty decent rate for someone
with no qualifications
and who likes to play Chris De Burgh during work hours.
Well, can I at least eBay that old telly?
Yeah, yeah, fine.
It has to be gone by the end of the day.
PHONE RINGS
Play.
QUIET MUSIC: The Lady In Red by Chris de Burgh
Right. E...hyphen...B.
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
Thanks.
Thank you so much. You're all right.
Hey, what's that about?
I'm the face of Fanta in Taiwan.
Oh, I've missed you, bro. Oh. Oh.
This is cool, innit? Never been to a Northern Soul night.
So, was Dad really into this, then? Is that why we're here?
Yeah. Ask Cathy, she booked it.
Wait, is that Marcus?
Oh, yeah, it is Marcus.
Hey. I thought it was meant to be just us three,
having a piss-up, in memory of our dad.
Oh, gross. Why is she back with that melt?
Oh, what is he wearing? It's like Rupert the frigging bear.
Hi. Cathy.
Come here. I've missed you.
It's nice to see you.
Yeah, we missed you too, mate.
Yeah.
Now shall we join the back of the queue, then, or what? Yeah.
Oh, God, I've got nervous burps.
Do you want to drop a Rennie?
Right.
How much shall I put in the meter?
Well, I'm not leaving until 5am.
There's something primal about dancing through the night
and then walking home
and hearing the first bird song of the dawn chorus.
It's... It's like a rebirth.
Well, you'll be getting a cab,
because I'm going to be home for the ten o'clock news.
I think it's safe to say Colin did not have a type.
Oh, guys, guys.
Cathy had her first day with her new team today.
Yeah, real power player now, this one.
Oh, yeah. How, was it?
Yeah. Absolutely wunderbar. You know.
Big office, express queue to the canteen.
Yeah, and my colleagues are absolutely top blokes. So...
Are you bloody kidding me?
Meredith is having a book signing?
Is that the one you dumped Cathy for?
Yeah. It was a temporary lapse in judgment for, like, two months.
That's a long lapse.
Lapses are an indeterminate amount, OK?
And also I feel really bad about it,
So can you stop bringing it up, Callum?
At bloody last.
Listen, I don't want to see you and you don't want to see me,
so let's just reunite
Callum and Angela and get the heck out of here.
Fantastic. Fine by me.
Oi, if your name's not on the list, you're not coming in.
Hey! Doing all right, my love?
Oh, babe, yeah.
Guys, this is my mate, Brian.
Brian, this is my sister, Cathy, and her boyfriend.
Very sexy couple. Can I get a picture with you?
I collect selfies with sexy couples.
Oh, no. I'm her brother.
Yeah. I'm the boyfriend/soulmate, so...
Are we still doing the photo?
No, you're all right.
Brian and I used to go magnet fishing down the canal.
We found a gun once.
What are you wearing?
Oh, it's a Northern Soul get-up.
I researched it on Pinterest.
Where are our mums?
You, you, now.
Oi, Cat!
I've reserved you a booth. Over here.
Right, I'll get the drinky poos in, celebrate my baby's big promotion.
Where are the bogs?
Oh!
God, what is that?
It's the Russian version of Campari.
It's delicious as long as you don't breathe next to naked flames.
Oh! How many units in that?
I'm driving home. Not any more.
Thanks for doing this.
For helping me.
I mean it.
I'm used to doing things on my own.
I'm usually the only woman in the room.
I'm usually the only black woman in the room, you know.
But the thought of not having Callum and Peter,
that is a different level of being all alone.
Well, here's to family, new and old.
Can I have another sip of that?
I've finished it.
All right, what is 60 as a product of its prime numbers?
Two, three, and five.
Yes, yes, Rachel Riley! You're going to ace this.
I'm not. I'm well nervous.
I just want to get this mambush done and split.
Cat, mate, you've got this. You need to stop worrying.
NO SOUND
I can't hear you.
Sorry, I muted myself cos I was having a pee.
MUSIC: Tainted Love by Gloria Jones
This is fun, isn't it?
Yeah, it's great.
Why did you get us tickets to a Northern Soul night, then?
Oh, er... Cat got the tickets, so...
Just got yourself a drink, did you?
Yeah, it's a Coke. I'm not going to buy a whole round
if I'm just having a Coke, babe.
Yeah, well, as long as you're all right...babe.
As long as I'M all right?
Oh, whatever, Trevor.
There's nothing stopping you going and buying your own drink.
You could buy the whole club drinks
now you've got your fancy, showy-offy job, babe.
Right, stop. Do you know what?
If this is what tonight's going to be like, then I'm just going
to call it a night. Oh, no, no, don't go. Don't go, don't go.
Stop being dicks.
You two are the ones that are always going on about bloody family
and mistakes and sorting shit out, and look at you.
I'm going to the gents' and when I get back, you two better be talking.
Excuse me.
Can you stop snogging against me?
Urgh!
Oh.
All right! Champagne for my queens!
Whoa! Argh!
Oh, my God!
Marcus, are you OK? Are you OK?
That actually hurt, so can you stop laughing at me, please?
Sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you OK?
Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's lemon slice on the floor, guys.
That round just cost me 40 quid, you know.
I'm so sorry. I'll go and get a mop.
Oh, my God. Poor Marcus.
Oh, that was so funny.
Oh.
No, but listen, I've got a true story.
I have never ever fallen over in my whole entire life.
Seriously? Yeah. I mean, you'd think I would with being, like, top-heavy,
but I am just gifted with an incredible centre of gravity.
Who says, "Champagne for my queens"?
MUSIC: Can't You See (You're Losing Me) by Mary Wells
Right, I'm in need of a very strong cocktail for Dutch courage.
Who's with me? Rather. Absolutely.
Oh, I should point out I'm not in a financial position
to buy anybody a drink tonight.
Three dirty martinis.
Right, is there a VIP area or do we just, erm, stand here?
Marilyn?
Marilyn, are you all right?
MARILYN STUTTERS
It's just overwhelming being here.
The stink of the sweat, the vibrations.
Do you feel that, Tess?
Oh, I feel it. I dig it big-time.
I was quite the mover back in the day, you know.
Should have seen me at the Young Conservatives' summer ball.
Bugger me.
I haven't felt this magical since 1982.
Oh, God. There he is. There he is.
Wish me luck.
GLASS SHATTERS
Callum.
No, Callum.
What are you doing here?
Callum, please, I just... I need to tell you that I am sorry.
Did everyone know about this? Is this all planned?
Some kind of mum trap?
He looks just like Colin when he's angry.
Yeah, me too. Like when you go to the cinema. Just too loud.
You lied to me my whole life.
I'm really sorry, but I can't hear.
I said you lied to me my whole life!
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
No. No, I'm leaving.
Tess...
Tess. Shit!
Angela's choking! Oh, Angela!
OK, Heimlich manoeuvre.
Mum! She's all right.
Are you all right?
Doctor coming through!
Whaaargh!
Oh, come here, baby boy.
You gave me such a shock, Mum.
OK, who dropped this olive?
Has no-one heard of a dustpan and brush?
Choking on an olive. What a middle-class way to die.
Yeah, thank God you're all right, Mum.
Yeah. It was like a scene from Holby City.
How do you even know that shit?
Oh, from watching myself die on the TV at work again and again.
So, I guess being my receptionist has saved a life.
No need to thank me.
Right, I'm going to get the drinks in.
MUSIC: Twenty-Five Miles by Edwin Starr
Thank you. Oh, it's cash only, I'm afraid.
You're joking? This is the 21st century.
No, it's not. It's a Northern Soul revival. It's 1978.
Fine. Is there a cash point nearby or...?
Thank you.
This isn't one of mine.
Cathy! Hmm.
Hi! I didn't know that you were a fan. I'm not a fan.
I've just come here to say that I'm back with Marcus
and that you are, you know...
..big, fat egg on your face.
Didn't really prepare this, but, erm...
..just wanted to say that a very firm heads up,
we're back together, so...
You do know that guy's a scumbag?
Rich. Rich coming from you, the unelected queen of the scumbags.
Queens are never elected.
Yes, I know that.
I also know that you guys broke up
because he was still in love with me.
I dumped him because I caught him back on Tinder.
Look, Cathy, you seem like a really nice lady and, in another world,
we'd probably be swapping frangipane recipes,
but Marcus is... WHISPERS: ..a shitbag liar.
This is what he sent me this morning.
SHE SIGHS
OK. Nice try, Meredith.
That's the dick pic he sent you last year.
Look at what it's resting on.
Oh, my God.
That's this week's copy of The Economist.
I'm really sorry, Cathy, but the guy is an absolute turd.
Oh, God.
Ohh...
Mind if I pop behind your banner?
SCREAMS: GOD!
Argh!
Would you like me to sign a copy of the cookbook or not?
Yes, please.
If you can make it out to Auntie Dawn. She's a big fan.
You're not going to believe this, Cat.
He's done it again - he's been sending dick pics again.
Oh, my God. I can't believe how stupid I am.
Cathy, listen, look, you need to look at this.
Did you just get an email about
the DNA test we did on Valentine's Day?
Check out the results.
Oh, thank God.
It says you're my only sibling.
Yeah. There's no-one else.
Yeah, so it's just me, you, which means...
I'm not related to Callum.
I'm gutted not to have a brother, but, you know, look, he's happy.
Guys, I need to call my real, actual, biological dad.
Right, let's try again.
Champagne for my qu...
Ugh! Ohh...
What was that for?!
I'll tell you what that was for -
because you're a lying, duplicitous piece of shit.
I just spoke to Meredith.
She told me everything.
Get out of my life.
I can explain.
Oi, Brian.
Oh! Come on. Out. No, no. No.
Out! Please. Cathy! Cathy, I love you!
# Turning my heartbeat up
# Ooo-ee
# Turning my heart beat up... #
SHE COUGHS
Mad, isn't it?
You went through all that shit for nothing.
I deserved it, babe.
I lied and I lied and I lied.
I know more about lying than I do about EU export tax,
and that's saying something.
I never felt like I deserved anything -
the house, cars, holiday - because, deep down,
all I could think about was this awful thing that I'd done.
I wonder if Colin felt bad for all his lies.
Trust me.
Those lies would have been slowly eating him alive.
Right, a toast.
The truth shall set you free.
Tess, I need to talk to you about...
Oh, my days! What a banger!
Come on, get up.
Oh, bloody hell, Cath. What a night.
How, was it? How was your dad?
He cried. I cried.
Brian took a photo of me crying for the photo collection.
So, yeah, I think I'm going to head home and see my real dad.
Sorry I'm not your brother.
I was getting used to having two sisters.
Cal, girls, come on. Come and have a dance.
And then there were two.
THEY LAUGH
# I've got to find a true love that's really strong
# I'm gonna find me somebody # Ooh yeah
# Woo, got to find me somebody
# I'm gonna find me somebody
# Woo, got to find me somebody... #
Freedom! I'll never be a caged bird again.
I'm free!
# So please, love, come back here
# You tried to make a fool out of me... #
Aaaaargh!
Are you all right? Ow.
Ow!
Oh, my leg.
Are you just giving me gas and air?
I'm going to need more than that, mate.
I know you've got horse tranquilisers on you.
SHE GROANS
All right, Mum.
I'll come in the ambulance with you.
Yeah, not now, Brian. Come on.
Sorry.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be snogging Callum now you're not related.
SHE CHUCKLES Well, I couldn't leave you, could I?
Plus, it's just gone midnight.
Happy birthday, Dad.
And death day.
SHE SIGHS
Didn't achieve my golden triangle.
I said I'd have it sorted by Dad's first anniversary,
but no boyfriend, shit job.
At least I've got you. Aw, babe.
For what it's worth,
I don't think life fits into a triangle. Mm.
I think it's a circle,
and everything feeds into everything else,
over and over again.
I mean, look at Dad. He died on his birthday.
As Elton John would say, circle of life.
Hm.
I actually think it was Tim Rice
that wrote the lyrics to the Lion King, but... Oh.
SHE SIGHS
God, I'm tired. Yeah, me, too.
I've got to sit my Maths GCSE in nine hours.
What?
You're joking.
Why didn't you tell me?
Cos it's the first time in ages
that I've done something just for myself.
You're amazing.
Cathy, will you test me?
There is nothing that I would love more.
OK. Mm-hm? Calculate the angle of X.
Tess? Tess.
Oh, go home, Marcus.
Tess, listen to me.
I'm a weak man.
I can't control myself.
I don't even know why I do it.
But honestly,
I love Cathy with all my heart,
and I am nothing without her.
Nothing.
And you, you're my only friend, so, please, help me.
Please. Tess.
Tessington World of Adventures. Tess-la.
I'll be taking tomorrow off as a holiday.
Yeah, but you need to give at least three weeks' notice.
Tess? Tess, we can talk about...
RAIN PATTERS
You may turn your papers over now.
We did it. That gave me a proper buzz, you know.
We've done all right. Oh.
Right, well, it's a pleasure. Oh, yeah.
See you soon, Deggs. Thank you.
Do you know if I pass, will you go out with me? No.
CAR HORN BEEPS
Ay-up.
So, how did the exam go?
Oh, I don't know. It's done.
Well, I'm so proud of you.
Just in case,
I got you this.
It's my GCSE Maths certificate.
You worked your arse off, and you deserve to pass.
Aw, that's dead nice of you, Cathy.
But you were right. I need to do it for myself.
I will have your driving licence, though.
Oh, God.
Right, shall we go and see Dad?
Here we are, then.
The one-year anniversary.
If you'd told me a year ago that I'd be sitting in a Ferrari
with my dead husband's mistress...
I'll say this for Colin -
he had excellent taste in women.
Oh, yes.
But what a prick. Oh. Hm.
I mean, what a prick.
He might not have left any money,
but I'll tell you what he did leave me -
you.
A brilliant and beautiful friend.
Oh, Tess. No, no. No, no, no.
Yes, honestly.
No, no.
No. No, Tess, I... I need you to listen.
Listen.
I need to tell you something.
God, this is hard. Um, I just...
..I know who's getting Colin's pension.
It's me.
What? He made me swear not to tell a soul.
He wanted to make sure me and Cat were being looked after,
and I guess he thought you would get the house and his savings,
but...
..after everything we've been through,
after all this shit and grief,
I just can't do an Angela and lie to you.
Are you joking?
Are you fucking joking?
You are mighty lucky that both your legs are already broken.
Oh.
Please don't say anything to the girls.
Today isn't about us. It's about them.
Just...
..don't talk to me.
I don't even want to look at you.
Of course.
You are going to have to help me out of this car, though.
Oh, wicked.
Look, the council have installed the bench.
Mm. Someone's sat on it already. That's nice.
Oh, ow, ow. Looks like PC. Tess... Ow. Come on. Ow, ow, ow.
What, Pretty Cathy? Your mate from school?
PC stands for Primary Cathy. Not Pretty Cathy.
You know what? I think that is PC.
Ow, ow, ow.
PC, hi.
What are you doing up here?
I've brought him to meet his dad, Cathy.
This is your little brother, Callum.
# Wam! Bam! Mon chat, splatch
# Git sur mon lit a bouffe sa langue en buvant dans mon whisky
# Quant a moi peu dormi, vide, brime
# J'ai du dormir dans la gouttiere ou j'ai eu un flash
# Hou-hou-oou-oou!
# Ca plane pour moi
# Allez hop! La nana
# Quel panard, quelle vibration de s'envoyer sur le paillasson
# Limee, ruinee, videe, comblee
# "You are the king of the divan!"
# Qu'elle me dit en passant
# Hou-hou-oou-oou! #