Previously on Kidding...
Maddy! Piano time!
I'll take her.
Did you hand-fuck my husband?
So what's your second-favorite instrument?
ToyCo has been begging us
for a talking Jeff doll.
This year, we're finally gonna give it to them.
We're talking the hottest
Christmas gift of the season.
In six weeks,
I'm gonna be dead.
Vivian's not doing well.
My name is Viva Lost Pages.
What's one more Jeff?
There's a difference between Mr. Pickles-san
of Japan, or Monsieur Cornichon du France,
or Herr Gherkin von Deutschland.
Sayonara.
Katto!
Arigatou. Arigatou.
Hai, arigatou gozaimasu.
Kintsugi.
Pickles-san...
Whoa.
I see.
- Whoa. - Ah.
I'm gonna need a tutorial.
First, what you need to do
is just tap the icon.
Put in the name of the person you want to FaceTime.
This is gonna be awesome.
Whoa.
This is my friend Vivian.
She wasn't healthy enough to make the trip.
She wanted to see the ocean.
Hello, Vivian.
Welcome to Los Angeles.
Whoa.
The ocean makes the sunset look so special,
but you make it spectacular.
The sun is getting jealous.
You're welcome.
Dolphins! Dolphins.
Do you see the dolphin?
There's a dolphin.
Hey.
We need to talk before he gets here.
Okay.
You first.
I've been thinking about this a lot,
and I feel that...
if it would make you happier,
for M-Maddy to take piano again,
then she should take piano, and I'll just deal with it.
Oh.
She seemed happier.
I don't think that's true.
Plus, she's getting so good at clarinet.
- I am? - Yes, honey.
I just think she may have
liked piano better,
and if her heart is set on piano,
then you just... you can't change someone's heart.
I think
piano was just a phase.
You do?
It was?
Yes, sweetheart.
I think she was confused.
She was born a clarinet player.
Piano's just this weird choice she made.
She was never really committed to piano.
She... she probably wishes
she never took piano in the first place.
Was I not good at piano?
It was awful.
Dee Dee, from now on,
we are strictly
a clarinet family.
I am committed
to making this a clarinet family.
You guys need to be more supportive of my dreams.
Konnichiwa.
Pikurusu-san desu.
Maddy?
This is Mr. Pickles-san.
He's gonna follow Uncle Jeff around for a few weeks
and then bring back what he learned to Japan.
And occasionally babysit.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry Jeff couldn't host you.
His living situation isn't optimal
to board guests right now.
My... English I... Mm...
Not amazing.
Sado-Shimi.
Sado-Shimi?
Sou. Sado-shimi.
Thank you.
Arigatou.
I have a message, all right,
but I don't know if they're gonna like it.
We're ready to record whenever you're ready.
Okay.
All of history
travels on the human voice.
Amplified, it can shear a man in half,
sentence 2 million Polish Jews to Dachau,
or spread the Book of Matthew
from Mount Zion to a Roman river.
Thousands of malleable minds
will rip this doll off the shelf,
and I don't know if they'll see it
as a god or gremlin.
But...
I won't drop nightshade into children's ears.
Um, so, I don't think we're allowed
to stray from the approved script.
I'd like to,
if that's all right.
Of course. What do you want to say?
Allahu akbar!
Allahu akbar?
No, I don't like those words.
They scare the dirt off of me.
Well, maybe they'll be less scary
if we explain what they mean.
Allahu akbar is an expression
that means a lot of different things.
Mainly, it's used as a greeting,
like we say "Hello," "good-bye."
Or... "aloha"?
That's right, Uke-Larry.
So if we went to Hawaii,
we could say, "Aloha-u akbar."
Um... Sure.
Allahu akbar.
Forced to leave their homes at gunpoint
and march on foot with whatever they could carry.
It led to the deaths of over 20,000
Indigenous Americans.
"Indigenous"?
Indigenous.
That means they were here first.
The Cherokees called this the Trail of Tears.
Oops.
That's right, Oops.
Even governments make mistakes.
Disconnect the teleprompters.
I did. That's just him talking.
Grace and I wrote him a powerful scene
in which Snagglehorse goes apple-picking,
and he wrote, "Despair is an eagle."
What does that mean?
Without a diverse group of meaningful relationships,
we can't see certain populations
as actual people,
and we subconsciously tune them out.
And your depression is something
you should never be afraid to talk about
with the people you love,
because if they really love you...
They'd tell you that Ronald McDonald
wants to walk our black youth into a food desert
and leave them there without their pants on,
because he wants to charge you for water
and he wants to charge you to pee.
Don't expect compliments from an insecure person.
Too many people think this country's
a stone-cold gray corpse,
but it's not.
It's a living, breathing organism.
And we've got to keep kicking it
to make sure it's alive.
Yee-haw!
For every 90 minutes of footage we shoot,
only 12 are borderline usable,
and that's before we cut out
the veiled Marxism and songs about genocide.
Whoo... hoo!
The show was right there
beneath the surface the whole time
I thought it was an end,
but it was just a rust
oxidized over the beginning.
Sorry. I forgot my eyeballs.
Thank you.
Allahu akbar.
Good night.
He can do whatever he wants.
Say whatever he wants.
Maybe I want to look in a lens
and scream a little.
Not that they'd let me near a camera.
Sometimes, I... I'm Soap Scum's
limp right hand, and even then,
it's obscured by a shower curtain
that... I created in my dorm room.
The true artist...
is both victim and warrior.
You speak English?
I'm not speaking English.
Oh.
What makes your puppets special
is the life you put inside of them,
not the people hiding behind them.
What's your real name, Pickles-san?
Mm, who I was doesn't matter.
I'm Pickles-san now,
always and forever.
Maybe we both like to hide.
I hide from myself all the time.
I think that's why I married Scott.
He's...
I didn't want to know myself,
so I chose a man who could never know me.
He's the one who wanted kids.
I only exist
for other people:
Maddy and Scott and Jeff
and my dad and...
It's easy to exist for them,
because I don't know how to exist for myself.
I don't know how to want.
I'd rather bleed in front of a doll
than live in front of my family.
That's how I grew up.
We are a family who loves from afar.
But loving others from afar means
what they give you in return is always at a distance.
I'm better from afar.
I'm all scars up close.
You know of kintsugi?
Hm?
It is the practice of making art
by breaking something special
and gluing it back together with gold.
Your scars
do not mean you are broken.
They are proof you are healed.
Breaking is healing.
Kintsugi.
I don't want you to think that I chose somebody
who wouldn't be alive very long
because I thought we were gonna get back together.
I didn't think that.
Usually, when your husband
starts dating a younger woman,
it reminds you of your mortality.
Not this time.
I'm sorry if my actions hurt you in any way.
Hey, I found my next relationship
in a hospital hallway.
Maybe I led by example.
When I first saw Peter,
it was like watching the "Challenger" explode,
but you knew what you needed,
and he put so much color back in your cheeks.
Thank him for me.
Jeff, you know, nine times out of ten, when someone
walks through that doorway, they've just gotten
the worst news that they will ever get
in their life.
So it would be best for her
if you could find a way to convey that
her struggle
is your struggle.
We still have to deal with Thursday.
I'd like you to come over to Dee Dee's,
bring Peter.
You open to that?
- Yeah. - Mm.
That was easier than I thought it would be.
Whatever you need, I'm here for you.
The... second line of treatment pushed
my white blood cell count
past the point of remission.
I'm in remission.
I love you so much.
Oh, my God.
I have so many credit cards to pay off.
I am so, so happy
to hear the good news about your health.
Thank you. I'm... Vivian, by the way.
I'm Seb.
♪ "How Would They Know" by Margaret Lewis playing ♪
♪ You say ♪
♪ Scarlet's my name ♪
Arigatou.
Put that back. No, no,
we don't do that.
Oh, man!
I think it's a miracle.
If she's okay, Jeff's okay.
If Jeff's okay, everything's normal again.
You think your sister
would let us watch the National Dog Show?
I didn't know you followed the Natties.
My nana bred two runners-up
and one that just plain broke her heart.
I midwifed the 2003 Best In Group terrier.
I mean, I say that. Really, I was just
passing through the kitchen at the wrong time.
What about last year's spaniel surprise?
Jaunty, yes. Jovial, yes.
Champion? No, sir.
I feel the schnauzers
are under-coifed and overlooked.
Ever since the Scandinavians started breeding them,
I've been thinking, "When is their moment?"
Thank you.
My dad used to have a drawer full of jigsaw puzzles.
Now he has a drawer full of condoms.
Mm, my mom thinks I'm drinking grape juice,
but really, it's wine.
I'm going to start the magic show.
Okay, honey.
I said I'm going to start
the magic show.
Whatever.
Do you still say your prayers?
But... but... wait. What do you say?
Most of America eats turkey today,
but my family eats lasagna, too,
because I'm Italian. Do you like it?
Arigatou.
You know,
I had the best blowjob of my life
on the bullet train to Kyoto.
Sucky, sucky. Train, train.
- Hm? - Fellatio.
Yes.
Here's to fellatio.
Blowjob.
Show me the charcoal under-rub
of a Swedish show dog, and I will show you
the infinite potential of canine husbandry.
That's right, Schnauzer. Trot that circle.
Alvin-Britches Dropbottom Delight
did not come to play with you haughty bitches!
Vivian keeps talking about us zip-lining through Honduras
and seeing the fish rain.
You will never forget the first time
you get kamikaze'd by a red snapper.
Sorry, Pickles-san.
Deirdre spent a lot of time in Belize,
working with local populations.
Ah. I mean, I've only
used my passport once.
The pain meds are cheaper in Toronto.
- Oh! - So when
are you guys thinking of going?
I was thinking midsummer, right, Viv?
- Mm-hm. - Could I come?
Will, sometimes,
couples like
to travel together. Alone.
No, no, no. The more, the merrier.
I want to go. We have never
taken a vacation as a family.
We should talk about this closer to June.
I want to go to Costa Rica.
I guess all of us could go.
Oh, whoa, I'm in... you know, if invited.
And Scott could totally plan this.
My husband is a corporate
travel agent. This would
be his Olympics.
Logistics are my aphrodisiac.
What if I pay for the whole trip?
The Pickles take Honduras.
You don't have to do that.
Could we stay in another place
with chocolate-covered fruit?
Can I room with Grandpa?
We make T-shirts for everybody.
"Out of the Way: Pickles on Vacay."
I'll ask Derrell to plan tomorrow.
Seb, this many people,
different last names,
hotel rooms? Let me handle this.
I'm going alone.
You're right.
We don't have to take the whole family.
It can just be us.
Um, no. I was gonna tell you later.
I bought a ticket, and I'm going next week,
by myself.
I'm sorry, Jeff.
Just... everything that...
...changed when everything changed,
and I get to start over.
I look at you,
and I see the man who saved my life.
But I also see cancer
and... death.
I look at you, you remind me of death.
And I have this gift of time, and,
you know, this...
us... it made sense
when time was running out.
Now that I can...
plan ahead, I'm sorry.
Those plans don't involve you.
I'm sorry. They can't.
I understand.
I'm...
happy for you.
Fuck you!
Yeah, fuck you!
Fuck you, cunt!
Yeah, fuck you!
Fuck you.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you!
Fuck you!
There's no chemo for dengue!
♪ When I'm feeling blue ♪
♪ And when I'm feeling low ♪
♪ Then I start to think about ♪
♪ The happiest man I know ♪
♪ He doesn't mind the snow ♪
♪ And he doesn't mind the rain ♪
♪ But all December you will hear him ♪
♪ At your windowpane ♪
♪ A-singing again and again and again ♪
♪ And again and again and again ♪
♪ Christmas is a-coming ♪
♪ And the bells begin to ring ♪
♪ The holly's in the window and the birds begin to sing ♪
♪ Now I don't take time to worry ♪
♪ And don't take time to fret ♪
♪ And the more you give at Christmastime ♪
♪ The more you'll get ♪
The line
is "Welcome to Pickle Barrel Falls,
Viva Lost Pages.
Your new forever home."
Just...
give me a second.
I can do it.
We don't have to do this today.
Mm...
We don't have to keep Viva Lost Pages
around if it's just gonna dredge up painful memories.
A woman is gonna live.
That's nothing short of spectacular.
I don't really have an excuse to come in here,
but... you can't understand me anyway,
unless I'm holding a puppet.
I just...
May I tell you the sad and sordid tale
of a queen enslaved by the demon
locked in her vulva,
and the warrior with a steel penis...
whoosh... who destroyed this demon?
Yes, please.
Have you ever
met a new friend
that feels like an old friend?
This...
is Viva.
A new friend. And Viva,
this is Ennui and Maestro Fermata,
your new friends.
They'll probably feel like old friends.
Do you have any books on tartines?
Or Mozart?
I feel lost.
You're not lost. You're home,
and you can stay in Pickle Barrel Falls
for as long as you want.
- All done? - Thanks.
Forever?
That's a long time, but sure.
You get to stay forever.
The great warrior fought his way
guard by guard
until he made his way
to the queen's tower.
But just before she could embrace him...
The king arrived on his horse.
Wait, how are you...
Please, don't touch it.
The old ruler explained
the door to the castle had always been open,
and it was the queen who had locked herself away.
- Where's warrior going? - Home.
The great warrior understood
this was a demon for the queen to slay.
Anything else would be infidelity.
The warrior and the queen
are not meant to be.
Will you stay through Christmas?
What the actual fuck?
Just... keep editing
the stuff out that we don't want to see.
Until when? The show is seven minutes long.
And it's PBS. It's not like we could
pad it with commercial breaks.
And what happens when he goes live?
How do we stop him
from puking his off-brand lunacy
all over his shoes, and your shoes,
- and our shoes? - Don't worry.
We're not gonna let that happen.
Oh, so he's not gonna host it this year?
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck!
The National Tree Lighting.
I think it's on CBS this year.
That'll be what, 10 million people watching?
How did December get here so quickly?
It's not about the money.
It's never been about the money, Gregory.
It's about doing the right thing.
$42,000 is a lot of debt
for a woman in her thirties.
She has medical bills. This'll help her heal.
As your accountant, I can only recommend
what's fiscally responsible.
Maybe we just pay off the Discover card.
Just pay it all, please.
She's lucky to have a friend like you.
We all are.
Good-bye.
♪ When I'm feeling blue ♪
♪ And when I'm feeling low ♪
♪ Then I start to think about ♪
♪ The happiest man I know ♪
♪ He doesn't mind the snow ♪
♪ And he doesn't mind the rain ♪
♪ But all December you will hear him ♪
♪ At your windowpane ♪
♪ God bless you gentlemen ♪
♪ God bless you ♪
♪ If you haven't got a friendly cat ♪
♪ May God bless you ♪
♪ Christmas is a-coming ♪
♪ And the cider's in the keg ♪