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Previously on Kidding...
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And I think that's appropriate,
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because it reminds us...
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I wanna do a show about death.
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You do a show about death,
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children will run from
the room in tears.
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So what do you think?
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It's perfect.
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I'll take it.
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What do you want to say?
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Allahu Akbar!
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Allahu Akbar?
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Stop talking. We get it.
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You always know what to say.
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Sometimes I don't want you to talk.
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I want you to listen.
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I'm gonna call you Big P.
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What can I call you?
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Jeff Pickles.
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Olympic gold medalist Ms. Tara Lipinski.
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Will's smoking reefer
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like a jazz musician.
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Teaching Will a magic trick
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isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.
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The National Tree Lighting.
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That'll be, what, 10
million people watching?
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Oh, fuck.
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How did December get here so quickly?
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You are a bagpipe of insanity.
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This is not insanity.
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This is how honesty looks
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when you're inside out and upside down.
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Saying yes to drugs
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is the biggest oops you can make.
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Get between your kids and drugs.
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It doesn't matter how
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if you want to save your child's life.
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Hmm.
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_
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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Live from President's Park
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in the heart of the nation's capital,
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it's America's Christmas
Tree Lighting 2018.
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This year, we celebrate
the festive season
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in a time-honored holiday tradition
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featuring performances
from Trisha Yearwood,
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Wynonna Judd, The Texas Tenors,
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with Kathie Lee Gifford and Dean Cain.
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Please welcome our
host, Mr. Jeff Pickles.
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Your parents don't deserve you.
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If they did, you wouldn't
be able to walk from
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Los Angeles to Beijing on a
bridge of floating plastic.
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What's left to drink when the water
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has too much lead in it?
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The orange juice has too much sugar.
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They put so many hormones in the milk,
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girls are spending their
eighth birthday with Aunt Flo.
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They want me to put Soap
Scum on a tampon box.
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They want Ennui hawking antidepressants.
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_
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You are the product of narcissism.
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Your parents look at you
and see their own death.
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They either expect more of
you than you can give them
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or, worse, nothing at all.
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Statistically, they hate each other.
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_
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They use you to fix their flaws.
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They want you to read
the books they won't.
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You are the caviar of a trout.
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Caviar of a trout.
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Your parents will always love you enough
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to pretend they love you.
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That's why they buy you dolls,
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so you can practice pretending too.
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Repeat after me. Every
pain needs a name.
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Every pain needs a name.
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Good, that's very good. Green means go.
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- Green means go.
- Good.
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Good. Now say, "I love you, Daddy."
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- Why?
- Just say it.
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- I love you, Daddy.
- Thank you.
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Your parents are failing you.
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Mine did, and yours do.
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Every day.
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I know this because
they leave you with me.
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Don't believe me?
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Next time you're watching my show,
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call out for your mom or your dad.
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Do they respond?
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No.
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Of course not.
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They're avoiding you.
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Mom?
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Your mom is chasing down
a handful of Klonopin
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- with a Diet Dr Pepper.
- Mom?
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And Dad is out there drinking
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from the bottles that empty him.
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Mom?
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Hypothetically if I-I have an account
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that he doesn't know about
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with hundreds of thousands of dollars
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that was supposed to go to charity,
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what happens to that, um,
money in the divorce?
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I see, yeah.
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I like you,
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the friends who visit me on television.
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But I'm not your father.
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And I shouldn't be.
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I killed my son.
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Murderer!
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Please don't use a bad
word when you can...
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I didn't listen to him.
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So he didn't listen to me.
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Turns out, I was a pretty good
talker but a terrible listener.
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Why didn't I listen?
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Because I can be selfish too.
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If I had really listened to him,
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I would have heard my own
flaws, my own anger.
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For me to address his flaws,
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I would have had to admit to my own.
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If I had listened to him,
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maybe he would have listened to me.
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Maybe he would have done his homework.
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Maybe he would have put on a seat belt.
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Now it's almost Christmas. Again.
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And in that spirit,
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I want you to go to where
your parents hide things.
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Sometimes it's a special drawer
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or the linen closet.
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All children know where this is.
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It's where your parents
hide your presents.
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I want you to open them early.
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It's all right.
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I say it's okay.
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I don't wanna fail you anymore.
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Did you get a talking Mr. Pickles?
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Go ahead. Pull the string.
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I'm listening. I'm listening.
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I'm listening. I'm listening.
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What did you get me for Christmas?
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Maddy. Maddy!
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What?
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I'm listening.
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And, Jill, if you're listening,
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I'm sorry.
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I will always love you.
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_
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Allahu Akbar!
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We're gonna be fine.
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We'll air whatever's left on the shelf,
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but then I-I don't know.
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I like to call this
an indefinite hiatus.
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But if I'm PBS talking... and I am...
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I'd be lying if I said I saw
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the show coming back from this,
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animated or not.
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I see.
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Look, we all know Jeff
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hasn't been the same
since the car accident.
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Maybe this is for the best.
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You there, Seb?
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Hello, hi. Fuck you.
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You don't get to say that about my son.
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Could I let you in on
something that's bugged me
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for 30 years?
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Okay.
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I've always understood how I get down
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to Pickle Barrel Falls.
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I get in a pickle barrel,
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go over the falls, a parachute deploys.
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What I've never understood is,
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how do I get back up?
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There's no way back up.
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Yeah. I don't know.
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I never thought about that.
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Derrell, do you think
what I did was wrong?
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Yes.
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I need help.
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I don't know how to help you.
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Yes, you do. You help by loving me.
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00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,820
I don't know how to love anyone.
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You love Maddy. You love Scott.
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- I'm leaving Scott.
- What?
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I'm giving Maddy a
divorce for Christmas.
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I'm gonna tell her tonight.
Maybe I'll bake brownies.
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00:11:44,130 --> 00:11:45,950
I'm so sorry. I didn't know.
187
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No, it's my fault.
188
00:11:48,380 --> 00:11:50,380
I don't know who I am.
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Somehow I know who
everyone is except me.
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00:12:05,260 --> 00:12:07,040
You think I'm going insane?
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You know how I make a new puppet?
192
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I start with someone I know,
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and then, uh,
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I search for their essence.
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00:12:23,780 --> 00:12:25,360
I look them in the eye,
196
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,620
and I'm thinking to myself,
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00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:30,140
"Who are you, really?
198
00:12:30,340 --> 00:12:32,770
Are you someone who likes secrets?"
199
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- Are you...
- What?
200
00:12:48,940 --> 00:12:50,840
"Are you someone's opposite?"
201
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:55,440
They say time and space
are both immutable,
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governed by laws that cannot be broken.
203
00:12:59,260 --> 00:13:02,800
All I have to say to that is,
204
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:05,960
laws were meant to be broken.
205
00:13:06,060 --> 00:13:08,820
And that's why they call me...
206
00:13:08,850 --> 00:13:11,460
the amazing Pickle-ini!
207
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:18,940
"At the end of the day,
what's your purpose, huh?
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00:13:18,950 --> 00:13:20,760
Are you somebody's heart?"
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00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,080
I'm sorry if my actions
hurt you in any way.
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00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:27,870
Hey, I found my next relationship
211
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:31,180
in a hospital hallway, so
maybe I led by example.
212
00:13:31,220 --> 00:13:32,860
"Are you an old soul?"
213
00:13:40,060 --> 00:13:41,799
"Are you the voice of God?"
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00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,580
The general populace doesn't
see you as a sexual being.
215
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,860
We see Mr. Potato Head.
No one sees a man.
216
00:13:49,070 --> 00:13:50,740
Thanks, Dad.
217
00:13:50,950 --> 00:13:52,520
But I am a man.
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00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:54,220
I am.
219
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:56,160
Just a different kind.
220
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,740
So who am I, Dee?
221
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,790
Ennui the Sad
222
00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:06,640
or Sy the Happy Fly?
223
00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:08,920
You know who you are.
224
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,760
Um, there's some kid here to see Jeff.
225
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,420
She just wandered in
here without a parent.
226
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:20,060
Thanks.
227
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:32,420
What can I do for you?
228
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,280
I'm listening.
229
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,450
I'm always here to listen.
230
00:14:44,610 --> 00:14:47,640
After T-ball, no one
was there to get me.
231
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,480
So when the coach dropped me off,
232
00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:52,720
Mom and Dad were both home
without any pants on.
233
00:14:52,750 --> 00:14:56,100
Oh. Did that make you sad?
234
00:14:56,140 --> 00:14:58,210
- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
235
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,650
It's gonna be okay.
236
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,520
Where are you going?
237
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,140
To see Dad.
238
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,190
You're spending the night there tonight.
239
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:20,140
Hey, get in line.
240
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,830
Thank you.
241
00:16:53,390 --> 00:16:55,380
You talk.
242
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,100
I'll listen.
243
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:06,510
I had a son named Phil.
244
00:17:06,550 --> 00:17:08,610
He was once your age.
245
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:12,260
He died.
246
00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:16,800
So we put him in a box,
247
00:17:16,850 --> 00:17:19,660
and we buried him.
248
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,920
♪ What does it mean to lose a thing ♪
249
00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:24,490
♪ You really want to stay? ♪
250
00:17:24,590 --> 00:17:26,850
♪ What if they sent
your favorite socks ♪
251
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,330
♪ A million blocks away? ♪
252
00:17:29,350 --> 00:17:33,140
♪ If you knew they were
warming someone else's feet ♪
253
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:35,380
- ♪ Hooray ♪
- Hooray.
254
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:36,680
Yay!
255
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,270
♪ Nothing you really love ♪
256
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,190
♪ Can ever ♪
257
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,810
♪ Go away ♪
258
00:17:48,460 --> 00:17:49,640
Hello?
259
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:52,800
- Hi, it's me.
- I know. I know.
260
00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:54,540
Sorry Will didn't make it over
261
00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:55,840
to your place last night.
262
00:17:55,850 --> 00:17:57,480
He says he's not feeling well,
263
00:17:57,500 --> 00:18:00,410
but I think it's girl problems.
264
00:18:00,510 --> 00:18:02,570
Oh, well, he's gonna have
to get used to that.
265
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,330
He's a heartbreaker.
266
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,780
It was a beautiful song.
267
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,660
You saw that?
268
00:18:11,940 --> 00:18:14,300
I always felt you were
ashamed of Phil's death
269
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,430
because you never talked
about it in public.
270
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,770
You could hide behind the
show and never deal with it.
271
00:18:21,250 --> 00:18:22,870
I know.
272
00:18:22,970 --> 00:18:24,270
For what it's worth, it felt like
273
00:18:24,290 --> 00:18:26,240
you stopped hiding today.
274
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,640
I didn't think you
still watched the show.
275
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:30,720
I do sometimes.
276
00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:32,360
Oh!
277
00:18:32,460 --> 00:18:33,840
I kinda got it.
278
00:18:34,070 --> 00:18:35,610
I like that you visit me
279
00:18:35,650 --> 00:18:37,880
when I don't know you're visiting me.
280
00:18:38,420 --> 00:18:40,850
I know I made this whole
thing about setting
281
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,180
rules and boundaries,
but I want you to know
282
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:46,300
that you can come by the
house whenever you like.
283
00:18:46,350 --> 00:18:48,260
Tonight?
284
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,300
- If you want.
- We could go for a walk.
285
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:51,560
- Sure.
- Maybe we could
286
00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:53,500
see a baseball game together.
287
00:18:54,170 --> 00:18:55,770
It's the middle of winter.
288
00:18:55,780 --> 00:18:57,310
No, I don't mean tonight.
289
00:18:57,410 --> 00:18:59,740
I just mean someday.
290
00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:02,320
Yeah!
291
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,480
- That was a strike.
- Oh, good.
292
00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:06,060
- Hello?
- I'm here.
293
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:07,800
Oh.
294
00:19:07,850 --> 00:19:10,790
I thought you, uh, nodded off.
295
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:43,640
So what's the plural of clitoris?
296
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:44,980
Plethoris?
297
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,699
Baruch atah Adonai.
298
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:07,540
Baruch atah Adonai.
299
00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:10,440
Eloheinu melech haolam.
300
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:13,000
Eloheinu melech haolam.
301
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:15,880
Hey.
302
00:20:15,940 --> 00:20:17,080
What's up?
303
00:20:17,140 --> 00:20:18,420
Are we friends?
304
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,760
Uh, we're your only friends.
305
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,650
He wasn't talking to you.
306
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,100
Sometimes I don't feel like myself
307
00:20:32,110 --> 00:20:35,660
and I do stuff I'm not proud of.
308
00:20:35,670 --> 00:20:38,220
Is he talking about the chickens?
309
00:20:38,250 --> 00:20:39,820
Mm-mm.
310
00:20:40,210 --> 00:20:43,030
I'm sorry I was stupid.
311
00:20:43,130 --> 00:20:46,030
I'm sorry I was your first
kiss and I was stupid.
312
00:20:46,130 --> 00:20:48,100
You weren't my first kiss.
313
00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:50,540
Oh. You were mine.
314
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,160
Oh.
315
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,440
Come to bed.
316
00:20:57,470 --> 00:20:59,450
Jeff's coming over for a bit, I think.
317
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:00,856
Drink! Drink! Drink!
318
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,980
Oh, come on!
319
00:21:03,230 --> 00:21:06,010
Who's this asshole new
neighbor of yours?
320
00:21:06,020 --> 00:21:07,280
I don't know.
321
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:09,440
Ah, there's not enough
Ambien in the world.
322
00:21:09,500 --> 00:21:11,780
Mm.
323
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,940
I have a 4 a.m. shift.
324
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,510
- I'll call the police.
- Mm.
325
00:21:18,690 --> 00:21:20,690
No.
326
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,360
I can be...
327
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,000
polite but firm.
328
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,060
What's up, dude?
329
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,560
Hello.
330
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,750
Hey.
331
00:21:52,850 --> 00:21:54,900
Anybody actually live here?
332
00:21:54,940 --> 00:21:57,840
Hey, I think this old guy will know.
333
00:21:57,980 --> 00:21:59,240
Yo, dude,
334
00:21:59,250 --> 00:22:01,220
what do you call more than one clitoris?
335
00:22:01,260 --> 00:22:03,040
A medical condition.
336
00:22:11,470 --> 00:22:14,530
Oh, that is fucked up.
337
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:21,660
Not you guys.
338
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,740
You guys, I never saw.
339
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,500
Hey, turn down the music, okay?
340
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,240
Oh.
341
00:22:45,340 --> 00:22:46,850
Hey, hey, you!
342
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,290
God, you. I need to talk to you.
343
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,570
Hey there, Big P.
344
00:22:51,670 --> 00:22:53,360
Jill and I are just going for a walk.
345
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,400
Why are your clothes in that house?
346
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:57,640
What?
347
00:22:57,660 --> 00:22:59,280
Did you move in next door?
348
00:23:02,260 --> 00:23:05,940
I didn't... move in.
349
00:23:08,940 --> 00:23:11,860
- Please don't tell her.
- You're hurting her.
350
00:23:12,140 --> 00:23:13,960
You're... I'm sorry, it's not my place
351
00:23:13,970 --> 00:23:15,760
to say any of this.
352
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,519
She loves you, all right?
353
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,180
You love her.
354
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,730
That's great. But the
more that you love her,
355
00:23:24,750 --> 00:23:26,650
the more you are hurting her.
356
00:23:26,750 --> 00:23:29,450
'Cause you can't rebuild
this. It's impossible.
357
00:23:29,470 --> 00:23:31,730
Please stop asking her to try.
358
00:23:31,740 --> 00:23:32,750
I'm sorry. You're right.
359
00:23:32,770 --> 00:23:34,660
God, you're right. I'm sorry.
360
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:36,990
I like you. I don't wanna be the bad guy
361
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,659
that tears your family apart.
362
00:23:38,660 --> 00:23:39,999
You're not.
363
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,440
You're the opposite of
everything I wanted you to be.
364
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,839
You're smart and charming
365
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,760
and clearly you do push-ups sometimes.
366
00:23:46,010 --> 00:23:48,430
Not really. My-my
father was big-chested,
367
00:23:48,450 --> 00:23:50,640
and... you know.
368
00:23:50,650 --> 00:23:53,980
When Jill and I had our falling-out...
369
00:23:56,460 --> 00:23:59,850
... my biggest fear was that
I'd have to watch another man
370
00:23:59,900 --> 00:24:01,540
raise my child.
371
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,760
And now that that moment has come,
372
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,790
I'm relieved...
373
00:24:09,220 --> 00:24:12,960
... because... that other man is you.
374
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,320
You're terrific.
375
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,060
You really are.
376
00:24:19,970 --> 00:24:21,540
Inside and out.
377
00:24:21,580 --> 00:24:24,740
Well, that's the most wonderful
thing anyone's ever said to me.
378
00:24:24,820 --> 00:24:26,560
I hope I didn't overstep.
379
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,700
No, it's... I...
380
00:24:28,820 --> 00:24:32,140
Thank you, bud. Thank
you for saying that.
381
00:24:40,750 --> 00:24:43,490
The P in Big P used
to stand for "pussy,"
382
00:24:43,500 --> 00:24:45,820
but now it stands for "Peter."
383
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:47,300
Don't worry about it.
384
00:24:47,340 --> 00:24:49,820
I'll tell Jill about the house.
385
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:51,920
I'll apologize.
386
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:55,580
We'll work through this together.
387
00:24:55,810 --> 00:24:57,780
Okay.
388
00:24:58,020 --> 00:25:00,250
Okay.
389
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,400
Thanks.
390
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,380
Thanks for trusting me with Will.
391
00:25:08,980 --> 00:25:11,530
Hey, do you wanna smoke a joint?
392
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:16,930
You mean marijuana?
393
00:25:19,650 --> 00:25:22,420
Make you feel good.
394
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,180
I should go home.
395
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:33,820
- Night.
- Good night.
396
00:25:48,250 --> 00:25:50,350
Oops.
397
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,876
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
398
00:26:11,900 --> 00:26:16,280
♪ You can feel anything at all ♪
399
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:20,420
♪ Anything at all, it's fine ♪
400
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,800
♪ It's you who's doing the feeling ♪
401
00:26:24,150 --> 00:26:27,700
♪ And that makes it okay ♪
402
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:32,820
♪ And if you don't
know who you are yet ♪
403
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:37,860
♪ You can feel anyway ♪
404
00:26:40,550 --> 00:26:44,760
♪ You can feel feelings you don't know ♪
405
00:26:44,780 --> 00:26:48,750
♪ Feelings gotta grow, like feet ♪
406
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:54,920
♪ So feel it ♪
407
00:26:54,950 --> 00:26:56,460
♪ And you can ♪
408
00:26:56,470 --> 00:27:00,420
♪ Heal it ♪
409
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,280
♪ Isn't growing up ♪
410
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:07,609
♪ Funny ♪
411
00:27:07,610 --> 00:27:12,540
♪ And sweet? ♪