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Previously on Kidding...
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Neither of you were here
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for the Pickle Wiggle fiasco of 1993.
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Picture that thing, but vibrating
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at the bottom of a cereal box.
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I wanna see a place that
makes Mom so happy,
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she'd choose that over us.
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The show is a trap.
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You are a terrible father!
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Would you please say something,
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anything, please?
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Murderer!
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You killed the magic!
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Murderer! Murderer!
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Breakfast is so boring!
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- Think again, kids.
- Fortissimo!
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Maestro Pimento Fermata!
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What are you doing here?
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Who is ready for some
breakfast-a música?
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Wow! Awesome!
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Allora... now you can
be like the maestro
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and start your own choir
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by collecting all four Pickle Wigglers.
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And even more good news!
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Best-O's is molto healthy for your body.
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Mom, there's no added sugar!
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- Oh?
- Mom, there's no artificial colors!
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- Oh?
- Mom, there's no artificial flavors!
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Oh? Best-O's Cereal.
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The cereal that makes you go...
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oh!
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'Scuse me.
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Clean up, aisle seven.
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What the fuck do they put in this shit?
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Mom, there's no toy in the box!
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Ohh... oh!
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Ohh...
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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Dad, don't hang up.
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I'm eating oatmeal. Stop calling.
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I haven't seen him
since the Philippines.
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I don't care. He's an adult.
He'll come home.
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_
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- Ohh... ah...
- Mom?
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Mom, I'm hungry.
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Oh, Jesus...
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Where'd it go?
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Where did it go? Where did it go?
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Ooh...
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Why are you walking like that?
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Because this is how
stressed-out people walk
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when their brothers go AWOL!
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Oh.
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What do I tell the Smithsonian
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if he doesn't show up?
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He'll be there.
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He's not going to miss
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his own lifetime achievement award.
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This is stale.
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I've already lost
twenty-four Mr. Pickleses.
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I can't lose 25.
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Jeff lost his entire pickle family.
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He's due some time on his own.
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Maybe he finally...
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Maddy.
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That is insanely inappropriate.
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- Go play with your axe.
- It's sleeping.
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You don't think this
is my fault, do you?
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Right, because everything's my fault,
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always my fault... just say it.
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You regret putting me
in charge, don't you?
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Just say it!
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Say it!
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Do you wish you only had one child?
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Tell me, honestly, right now.
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I wanna hear it. It's open season.
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You are... unbelievable.
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Maddy, get in the car.
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I wanna stay with Grandpa.
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Fine!
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Forget it.
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Were you trying to talk just now,
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but your brain wouldn't let you?
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We need to go see a doctor right now.
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Hey! Where's Jeff?
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What happens if he doesn't show up?
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Have you thought about that?
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Are you kidding?
You know what Kennedy'll do?
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He'll take this glad-ass
economy we're swimming in
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and burn it to shit
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with all those damn freebie
programs he's yawing about.
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At least he's got what it takes
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to stand up to Khrushchev and the Reds.
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Are you telling jokes?
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Nixon'll take a bite
into Khrushchev's thigh
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and hold onto it forever
like a Doberman Pincher!
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It's a Pinscher, not a Pincher.
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- It's Pincher.
- Pinscher.
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Larry, settle an argument.
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Gladys.
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What'd I tell you about
opening the fridge?
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Stay in front of the bar.
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Kennedy's a bootlegger...
but I like a bootlegger.
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Better than that war hawk Dick Nixon.
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Larry served.
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I was a sniper in Korea.
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Took out a lotta bad guys. No big deal.
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Sure, Nixon's a bullet pusher,
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but he's a family man too.
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You got kids, Larry?
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Phil, Will, Bill, Gil, Til, and Dill...
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all boys.
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Larry with the strong semen!
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Oh, yeah,
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and they're all gonna vote Nixon, Larry!
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Aw, come on!
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Larry, I'm still waitin'
on that Sidecar.
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Sorry, Babs.
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Next one's on the house.
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You're a prince, Larry.
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Ha. Tell ya what.
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Next one's on the house for everybody.
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- Oh!
- Oh!
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- Hey, Larry!
- Larry! Larry!
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Larry, Larry!
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- Larry, Larry!
- I need a quick refill.
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Larry, Larry...
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They're dry as a bone out there.
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Good. Ha.
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Let's keep it that way.
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_
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_
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You good, man?
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Uh...
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I should get going.
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Do you wanna be buried, cremated,
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- or drowned?
- What?
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Did you see that woman?
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- What woman?
- It's the strangest thing.
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She looked exactly like
my ex-wife... exactly.
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I thought you hated her.
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I do.
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I also love her.
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I get it. I really get it.
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Wait here.
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Sebastian.
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Sorry to keep you waiting.
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I had a momentary inability to speak.
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But everything feels tip-top now.
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I'm afraid your blood work
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tells a complicated
story of love and loss.
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- It does?
- It does what?
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I'm sorry. What did you say?
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I said you've had a minor stroke.
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Oh, well, well, that's what I thought.
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And you're at risk for a major one.
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- Should she be here?
- She's my nurse.
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Maddy, do you wanna leave?
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- No.
- All right.
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Your red blood cell count... it's high.
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It's like California and earthquakes.
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The Big One could come tomorrow.
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Could be a week, a month.
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- A year?
- I didn't say a year.
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Your heart sounds scared.
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Hey, let's just keep this
our little secret, okay?
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Pinky promise.
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Pinky promise.
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Is there a cure for dementia,
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Alzheimer's? No.
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But can we treat it? Yes.
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With quality memory care.
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Inside of these walls,
it is 1960 all day,
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every day.
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Mickey Mantle bats for the Yankees
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and Eisenhower sits in the Oval.
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Nostalgia therapy
comforts the fragile mind
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from... from outbursts...
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Could you excuse me for one second?
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- Sure.
- Thank you.
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_
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What's up, man?
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- Can I stay a little longer?
- You're Jeff Pickles.
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You can stay as long as you want.
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That's not true, Cornell.
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No, no, I really don't mind.
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You should know by now
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that visiting hours don't apply to you.
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No, I mean you said
I'm Jeff Pickles, but...
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he isn't born for another eight years.
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Have I shown you the bus stop?
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It's new since your last visit.
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Solved a big problem for us...
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what to do when a
patient wants to leave.
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So now when they get that itch to go,
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an aide comes and brings
them to the bus stop,
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and they wait until they forget
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why they wanted to leave
in the first place.
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And they just go right back inside.
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But don't you feel like you're lying
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to the elderly and demented?
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A lie is for you.
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This is for them.
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We call it compassionate deception.
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But the bus will never come
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and she'll never get to leave.
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00:10:15,750 --> 00:10:18,629
And Larry'll never get
to vote for Nixon.
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But he can make a mean mocktail.
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Most of the people who want to leave
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are trying to go somewhere
that doesn't exist anymore.
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00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:29,209
Do we tell them the spouse
they wanna get to
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died 30 years ago
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or that their childhood
home is now a Walmart?
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00:10:33,134 --> 00:10:35,840
- Reality is the disease.
- Mm-hmm.
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00:10:35,850 --> 00:10:38,730
The fantasy is the pill.
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So...
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00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:43,559
it's not a lie if it heals.
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Exactly.
219
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:47,772
Dad?
220
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,640
Could you help me get ready?
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00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:54,129
Sure, son.
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00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,139
Since first meeting him
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00:11:12,140 --> 00:11:14,673
as an OSU sophomore,
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00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:18,169
I knew Jeff Pickles would go on
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to touch countless lives
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00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,219
around the world.
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00:11:23,220 --> 00:11:27,239
In that spirit, let us
take a moment of silence
228
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:30,309
to honor Filipino Mr. Pickles
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00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:34,444
who was brutally murdered
by his own government.
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00:11:47,910 --> 00:11:49,439
We've been having some trouble
231
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,759
selling that sad, empty house next door,
232
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:56,089
but I think if we combine the two lots,
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00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:59,559
yours and his, some happy person
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00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:02,972
could build a spectacular
Monterey Colonial.
235
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:05,299
Wait, what... I would sell too?
236
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:08,139
It's time. Don't you agree?
237
00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:09,478
Change!
238
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,309
What's a Monterey Colonial?
239
00:12:12,950 --> 00:12:14,669
Ugh.
240
00:12:14,670 --> 00:12:17,129
Hold on.
241
00:12:17,130 --> 00:12:18,487
Hello?
242
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,239
Can you come to where I am right now?
243
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,589
I'm not going to that awards thing.
244
00:12:21,590 --> 00:12:22,909
Neither is Will. Stop asking.
245
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:26,319
Deirdre?
246
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,579
What?
247
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,409
- You called me.
- Yes.
248
00:12:29,410 --> 00:12:30,879
Did you hear what I said?
249
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,959
I need immediate medical attention.
250
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:33,999
Go to a hospital.
251
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,381
It's a personal situation.
Can you come here?
252
00:12:36,382 --> 00:12:39,199
Your family's not, you know, I'm not...
253
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,759
We're not related anymore.
254
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,094
I'm your son's aunt!
255
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,419
- Which makes us...
- Sisters!
256
00:12:44,420 --> 00:12:47,516
What is wrong with you?
Currently, I mean, medically.
257
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:49,299
I really don't want the
federal government
258
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:50,699
listening in on this one.
259
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:51,739
Well, I'm just in the middle...
260
00:12:51,740 --> 00:12:53,897
Can you please come down here?
261
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,919
After church, can we go fishing?
262
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,749
A day on the lake? I love lakes.
263
00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:01,749
That's a great idea.
264
00:13:01,750 --> 00:13:05,539
Bobby Ledbetter said he caught
a 5-pounder the other day.
265
00:13:05,540 --> 00:13:07,249
- Ooh...
- But I don't believe him.
266
00:13:07,250 --> 00:13:09,560
Well, it's better to believe
someone who's lying
267
00:13:09,570 --> 00:13:11,799
than to doubt someone
who's telling the truth.
268
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,159
Thanks, Dad.
269
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,000
You know, you're a good dad.
270
00:13:18,290 --> 00:13:21,925
So then you take that big long one,
271
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,219
and then you're done.
272
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,929
You think you can do that next time?
273
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,840
I might have to ask
you to show me again.
274
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:31,690
Well, I'll be here.
275
00:13:33,710 --> 00:13:35,939
Who the fuck are you?
276
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,729
And two, and three...
277
00:13:40,730 --> 00:13:44,299
It was the wedding of our
dreams, wasn't it, Leonard?
278
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:46,379
Your vows brought me to my knees.
279
00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:48,460
The scent of fresh lilies.
280
00:13:48,470 --> 00:13:51,419
The sunlight splashed across your face.
281
00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:53,379
It was perfect, wasn't it?
282
00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:55,259
I was so worried about the salmon,
283
00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:57,060
but it was everybody's favorite.
284
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,279
Even Aunt Beth went back for seconds.
285
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,919
And you know how she can be.
286
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,420
Who's Beth?
287
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:07,089
Do you love me?
288
00:14:07,090 --> 00:14:10,039
I love you to the moon, Leonard.
289
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,419
I love you to the moon...
290
00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:13,979
wife.
291
00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:16,169
Spin!
292
00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:20,479
You're so lucky to do this every day.
293
00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:23,760
Oh...
294
00:14:23,770 --> 00:14:27,459
now dip me like one
of your French women.
295
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:32,980
♪ Only in my dreams ♪
296
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:37,339
♪ Only in my dreams ♪
297
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,588
Hi, Mom.
298
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:45,100
You're confused. I'm Louise.
299
00:14:46,210 --> 00:14:48,249
Hi, Louise.
300
00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:50,310
I'm your son.
301
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,539
No.
302
00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:55,299
No.
303
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,380
I don't think so.
304
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:01,399
So where ya headed, Louise?
305
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,289
A place that makes me happy.
306
00:15:04,290 --> 00:15:05,488
Niagara Falls?
307
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,450
How did you know?
308
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:10,868
Just a guess.
309
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,954
My sister lives there.
310
00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:21,459
I wish I could go with you.
311
00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:23,380
No, I'm going alone.
312
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,699
Cock fucker!
313
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:28,089
Son of a fuck!
314
00:15:28,090 --> 00:15:31,059
I can't wait to get out
315
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,599
- of this fucking family!
- Please hurry.
316
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,640
Every time it sings, it goes up further.
317
00:15:35,650 --> 00:15:36,659
Oh... ooh...
318
00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:38,688
You wouldn't have had this
problem with the alto.
319
00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:40,940
How was Hershey Park?
320
00:15:40,950 --> 00:15:42,999
Scott and I went there once, but...
321
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,861
he thought the room was haunted.
322
00:15:44,862 --> 00:15:47,029
Hershey Park is an adolescent nightmare.
323
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,519
It's not even ironically enjoyable.
324
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,699
Just because you appreciate chocolate
325
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,848
doesn't mean you appreciate
a chocolate roller coaster.
326
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:54,871
But filter "I love chocolate"
through a man's brain,
327
00:15:54,872 --> 00:15:56,979
and... whatever, doesn't matter.
328
00:15:56,980 --> 00:15:59,040
I don't matter. Nothing matters
329
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:02,752
except for the plumbing of my
ex-husband's sister's vagina.
330
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,619
- Did something happen?
- Jesus, did this thing take the subway?
331
00:16:05,620 --> 00:16:07,619
You're not wearing your ring.
332
00:16:07,620 --> 00:16:11,859
- I really need to concentrate.
- Will said Peter was proposing.
333
00:16:11,860 --> 00:16:13,099
Oh, really? He said this
334
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:14,399
on the plane ride back
from being kidnapped
335
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,891
- to the Philippines?
- No.
336
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,893
On the chopper,
leaving the fishing vessel.
337
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,349
I told Peter I needed time to think.
338
00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:22,679
- You told him no?
- I said I need time
339
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,233
because I need time.
340
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:25,985
Because you still love Jeff.
341
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,379
I definitely have zero
feelings for that man...
342
00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:29,959
- zero!
- Are you two okay in there?
343
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,156
- Yeah, we're good.
- We're just fine.
344
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,699
Thank you.
345
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,440
Here, do this for me.
346
00:16:38,090 --> 00:16:41,379
Hey, that's the woman, her.
347
00:16:41,380 --> 00:16:43,127
That's Grandma.
348
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,179
Are you sure that's Grandma?
349
00:16:46,180 --> 00:16:48,540
Ah, you never forget your first wife.
350
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,510
That's not really Grandma.
351
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,721
No, but she's a dead ringer.
352
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:56,889
Go over and say something.
353
00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:58,640
- What about you?
- Don't worry about me.
354
00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:02,200
- I wouldn't know what to say.
- Go, or I'll kill myself.
355
00:17:11,270 --> 00:17:13,740
Excuse me.
356
00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:17,821
- Yes?
- I'm sorry, but...
357
00:17:17,822 --> 00:17:21,081
you look exactly like my ex-wife.
358
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,833
That's a terrible line.
359
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:25,709
Oh, my name is Sebastiano.
360
00:17:25,710 --> 00:17:27,579
Most everybody calls me Seb.
361
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:30,999
And I wonder, um...
362
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,249
would you have a meal with me?
363
00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:36,303
I'm busy at the moment,
but you knew that already.
364
00:17:36,304 --> 00:17:38,239
You should eat after you do these things
365
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,509
or you'll pass out.
366
00:17:39,510 --> 00:17:40,560
I have plans.
367
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,600
I understand.
368
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,441
Sebastiano.
369
00:17:47,472 --> 00:17:48,734
Yes.
370
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,819
Give me a reason to cancel my plans.
371
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:54,199
I'll give you one tonight.
372
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,825
And another tomorrow morning.
373
00:18:08,740 --> 00:18:11,169
Your tux reminds me of a
dream I had last night.
374
00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:12,839
Oh, God. Ha.
375
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,209
There's nothing more annoying
376
00:18:14,210 --> 00:18:15,879
than hearing about someone's dreams.
377
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,159
That's not true.
378
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,299
Nobody hated Martin Luther King.
379
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:21,049
Well, somebody did.
380
00:18:21,050 --> 00:18:22,419
Oh!
381
00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:24,439
You can't make that joke.
382
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,729
Fuck you!
383
00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:29,720
Are you sure we've never met?
384
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:33,959
Excuse me for a moment.
385
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,324
Wait a minute... there's
something I wanna tell you.
386
00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:41,139
You should know that
I had a small stroke today,
387
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:43,820
but I'm fine. I'm completely fine.
388
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:46,910
Glad to hear it.
389
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:29,626
What?
390
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:31,999
Have you ever felt that
391
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:36,539
life is sometimes suddenly...
392
00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:38,079
so magical?
393
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,169
Yes.
394
00:19:40,170 --> 00:19:43,799
But when you say it, it sounds stupid.
395
00:19:53,340 --> 00:19:54,680
Mmm.
396
00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:01,825
What's beating you up, little boy?
397
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:05,390
Guess I just don't wanna be me.
398
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,499
What's the me you wanna be?
399
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,769
Someone whose wife isn't remarrying
400
00:20:11,770 --> 00:20:14,359
an anesthesiologist.
401
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:16,760
Someone whose...
402
00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:20,350
son... is still talking to him.
403
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:27,310
Someone who can cope...
ha... with his feelings.
404
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:33,079
You can feel anything at all.
405
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,640
Anything at all, you can feel it.
406
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,990
Thanks.
407
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,489
That's good advice.
408
00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:43,999
It's not advice.
409
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,412
I read that on the back
of a prophylactic.
410
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:47,860
Oh.
411
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:53,290
There's a way out, if you wanna hear it.
412
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:57,249
See, I've got a bastard of a husband
413
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,966
and two kids I can't stand.
414
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:03,049
- You love your kids.
- They're paperweights.
415
00:21:03,050 --> 00:21:04,960
Adorable, funny...
416
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,279
paperweights.
417
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,840
But the good news is
you can always escape.
418
00:21:11,780 --> 00:21:12,929
You can?
419
00:21:12,930 --> 00:21:14,160
- Sure.
- Oh.
420
00:21:14,170 --> 00:21:15,589
It's easy.
421
00:21:15,590 --> 00:21:19,100
Failure doesn't have to follow you.
422
00:21:19,110 --> 00:21:21,249
I'm escaping to Niagara Falls
423
00:21:21,250 --> 00:21:23,365
to where my sister lives.
424
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:26,209
You want out?
425
00:21:26,210 --> 00:21:30,249
You just have to get on the bus.
426
00:21:30,250 --> 00:21:34,109
And the bus... always shows up.
427
00:21:48,860 --> 00:21:51,894
I'm sorry. I have... to go home.
428
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:06,319
As a monotheist, I always believed
429
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,540
there was one creator.
430
00:22:08,550 --> 00:22:11,079
Until I met our next speaker.
431
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,080
Please welcome the alchemist
432
00:22:14,090 --> 00:22:16,749
who creates all those
wonderful creatures
433
00:22:16,750 --> 00:22:20,730
on Puppet Time, Deirdre Piccirillo.
434
00:22:23,180 --> 00:22:25,129
Deirdre?
435
00:22:25,130 --> 00:22:26,595
Is she here?
436
00:22:26,596 --> 00:22:27,929
Go to the E.R.
437
00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:29,239
You know whose fault this is?
438
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:30,460
Duterte.
439
00:22:30,470 --> 00:22:32,976
He turned the Philippines
into a police state.
440
00:22:32,977 --> 00:22:35,771
He has oppressed his
people for too long.
441
00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:38,679
You can't just heave
a man off a building
442
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,519
for singing about divorce!
443
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,194
The problem is men.
444
00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:45,419
That's the common thread here.
445
00:22:45,420 --> 00:22:49,719
Scott... a man... steals
my furniture, my puppets,
446
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:51,161
ends my marriage?
447
00:22:51,162 --> 00:22:53,119
- Sure.
- Thank you!
448
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:56,599
And Dad... it's like,
why are you trusting me?
449
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,499
Me? You can't trust me!
450
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:00,375
For the past 30 years,
451
00:23:00,376 --> 00:23:02,320
all I'm doing is making puppets.
452
00:23:02,330 --> 00:23:05,339
And now I'm in charge.
That's great planning, Dad.
453
00:23:05,340 --> 00:23:07,385
That's on you, Pop.
454
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,762
Anyone else on your list?
455
00:23:08,763 --> 00:23:11,589
Yeah! Who doesn't show up
456
00:23:11,590 --> 00:23:13,999
for their own lifetime
achievement award?
457
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,309
Selfish people.
458
00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:18,819
When I get an award for giving
away all the money I embezzled,
459
00:23:18,820 --> 00:23:20,023
I show the fuck up.
460
00:23:20,024 --> 00:23:21,399
Uh-uh, no.
461
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,809
What?
462
00:23:22,810 --> 00:23:25,160
You're a mess. You've
always been a mess.
463
00:23:25,170 --> 00:23:27,399
All that is happening
to you is your fault
464
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:28,599
and no one else's.
465
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,640
In no uncertain terms,
466
00:23:30,650 --> 00:23:34,219
you are the architect
of your own catastrophe
467
00:23:34,220 --> 00:23:37,499
except maybe the Duterte
thing, but he's a dictator.
468
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:40,083
You chose who to marry.
You chose your job.
469
00:23:40,084 --> 00:23:42,639
You chose to put Jeff on the
air with very few guardrails.
470
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,499
You chose to manufacture a doll
471
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,679
that listens to children sleeping,
472
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:50,859
and you chose to stick a very
expensive vibrating pickle
473
00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:52,180
into your vagina!
474
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,349
I'm sorry.
475
00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:56,629
You twisted its head,
you made it burrow,
476
00:23:56,630 --> 00:23:59,299
you made it sing... you!
Your fault, you!
477
00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:00,980
You are Duterte!
478
00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:06,020
I've been fucking
myself this whole time!
479
00:24:42,340 --> 00:24:45,599
I can't keep chasing her, can I?
480
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,446
No, man. Can't.
481
00:24:49,940 --> 00:24:54,610
Sooner or later,
you gotta accept reality.
482
00:24:54,618 --> 00:24:57,245
Sooner is better.
483
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,279
Good evening.
484
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,339
I'm Jeff Pickles.
485
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:26,039
You know, my whole life...
486
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:29,770
I felt I had to choose between
my job and my family.
487
00:25:31,020 --> 00:25:34,260
And it took me till today
488
00:25:34,270 --> 00:25:37,770
to realize how easy that choice is.
489
00:25:40,250 --> 00:25:43,779
Because one of them is real
490
00:25:43,780 --> 00:25:46,211
and one is a fantasy.
491
00:25:50,090 --> 00:25:55,090
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