♪ light synth music ♪
♪ singers harmonizing ♪
♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪
Previously, on Black Monday...
You borrowed money from actual villains who will cripple us.
All you have to do is keep Blair in the dark
until he marries that Georgina chick.
- Hi there! - I didn't hate
your Blair plan; I hated that you didn't tell me!
How do you guys get it done?
I just don't feel like there's enough
- hours in the day. - Cocaine.
Should I try some?
♪ intense music ♪
You know what? Fuck your dad!
I would rather fuck my father!
I broke up with Tiff!
♪ Bass ♪
♪ Ooh ey ♪
♪ Work ♪
♪ Ooh, white lines ♪
♪ Vision, dreams of passion ♪
♪ Blowin' through my mind ♪
♪ And all the while, I think of you... ♪
I'm not getting a real "I made a huge mistake
and I'm rushing back to my fiancée" vibe off him.
I mean, it's gonna be tough to do the Georgina play
- without the Georgina. - Nah, it's fine.
You know, it's--He's just making cash for the first time.
I mean, you remember the moneymoon period, Dawn.
He'll get sick of this shit.
- It's like when the nuns
caught me smoking.
They locked me in the closet.
They made me smoke a whole carton of cigarettes
till I didn't want another fuckin' cigarette
- as long as I lived. - Hmm.
- ♪ Ticket to ride... ♪ - Fuck this.
It's been a month, Mo. We gotta step in.
No, no, no--he's gonna get it outta his system.
Don't worry about it.
- Come on, Blair. - Come on.
- Yeah. Ha. Hey, hey, kid. - Oh, yeah--
Guys he's gonna be okay?
Oh, good. You gave us quite a scare, Blair!
Hey, buddy, I'd say being dead
for a song and a half kinda qualifies
as hittin' rock bottom, don't ya think?
Hey, maybe we should call Tiff?
- Let's call Tiff, buddy. - Let's call her.
Let's call her.
Fuck that bitch.
♪ Rang dang diggedy ♪
♪ Dang di-dang ♪
Okay. "Fuck that bitch" isn't the best start,
but Blair is a puss.
Deep down, he still loves Tiff.
We just have to remind him of that, and he'll take her back.
I'm way ahead of you.
And these are...
Contestants for the Manhattan Pageant.
Jesus. Are you still doing that dumb shit?
Dawn, it's a venerable Wall Street tradition
to auction off the most eligible pit trader.
Look, just because I moved upstairs
doesn't mean I forgot where I came from.
It's a very prestigious honor
to be asked to emcee this thing, you know.
- You're emceeing? - Hey,
well, when you set the all-time auction record, baby...
By having a couple of trick hos,
as in tricka-mo-niasis?
get into a bidding war over you with your money?
It's for charity! The Afghani Mujahideen are
in the fight for their lives with these Russian bastards.
Fine, fine, fine. What does this have to do with
getting Blair and Tiff back together?
It is a honeypot, Dawn.
A honeypot?
Hogan's Heroes. Classic con.
Look, we just have to convince Blair
that Tiff is dating a newer, hotter guy.
He's gonna get jealous, and he's gonna want her back.
And there is no hotter guy than Jackson Polack.
Ha. Yeah, the traders call him that
because he's Polish and he splatter-painted half the town.
Ehh. I get it.
Face: ten. Body: ten.
Brains: Polish joke.
Exactly. Guy'll do anything for a buck.
- Foolproof.
So your plan is foolproof
because it worked on a sit-com?
Everything works on a sit-com.
There's two different TV shows with little black midgets
playing rich white people's kids.
- Come on!
Can we just please try it my way for once?
Let's just talk to the kid about the power of love.
The Huey Lewis song? How's that gonna help?
Keith!
Yo! What's up, boss?
Is...so weird calling a chick a boss.
It's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me.
Yeah, it's crazy. Listen, I need you to take
these big payments over to the Yakuza.
Little behind on my loans.
Uh, Do- Mo arigato...
- Stop it, please. - Jesus Christ.
You know, actually, I have tics to a show tonight,
so maybe I can drop this off tomorrow?
Oh, yeah, that's no problem.
I don't mind getting my dick teppanyaki'd by the Yakuza
- 'cause you wanna go see
Starlight Express for the tenth fucking time.
It's layered, okay? Ha.
The whole show is actually a young boy's dream
as he kind of teeters on the cusp of manhood
Ah. Fine.
Is it me, or is he getting weirder?
He's definitely getting whiter.
- Thank you, Kyle.
It's so cool you live in a hotel.
- You're like Eloise.
I don't know who that chick is, but, yeah, it's pretty nice.
You know, it's just temporary, till I get my own place.
- I been lookin' around. - For the last 15 years.
Do they give you, like, a monthly rate or something?
Mm-hmm.
So Blair, how are you?
I can't imagine how hard it must be
to be apart from the love of your life.
Iiiit's pretty great.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah? - Tiff's been living
with her parents uptown, so I get to do
- whatever, whenever.
Last night, I ordered ethnic food.
- Oh, hard to argue with that! - Oh!
But I will, because, Blair, love is dope.
Ah, exactly. Ethnic food--
you know, it gets old.
Except falafels. Now, those fuckers are built to last.
Like true love.
You know? And it doesn't come around often.
Trust us: you don't wanna be the 40-year-old guy
in the club that everybody feels bad for.
Well, I-I don't know that they feel bad for the guy
so much as they wanna high-five him, you know,
for not settling.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
No! Blair wouldn't be settling.
I mean, Tiff is his soul mate
just like Spencer is my soul mate.
I agree with the Tiff part of that sentence.
I'm just saying that, you know,
sometimes it's brave to be alone
instead of, you know, settling for the first
lame-ass doctor that you lay eyes on
that satisfies your parents but not you.
Sexually.
I'm sorry--is Tiff the limp dick doctor
- in this scenario? - You know what?
It is brave to not jump off a roof
when your best friend is a robot.
Well, if Short Circuit has taught us anything--
Blair, everyone needs someone to share life with,
someone to share a bottle of wine with
at the end of a shitty day and toast to not...
dying alone in a hotel room.
With a fuck machine in...
- Jesus Christ. - A coke-induced haze--
- What the fuck? - What the fuck?
Yeah. That the fuck.
I'm sorry that you had to find out like this, kid, all right?
I got a friend over at Page Six, the socialite beat.
Is Tiff like out there?
Yeah, I'm afraid so, champ. Word on the street--
this guy's hung like a hose.
You mean horse.
I do not.
I mean, I know I broke up with her,
but I just didn't expect... this
this soon-- I--
- I gotta go find her. - Yeah.
'Scuse me.
See ya, buddy.
- Right?
- Mission accomplished. - No.
Let's go celebrate. Cedar Tavern.
What do you say?
I am going home to my husband.
You wanna bag all this up for him?
You know, I appreciate a man with hips.
Oh, good. 'Cause he's got those.
Enjoy fucking Kyle.
Jealous!
- Y-you can't take
that kinda shit to heart, Kyle.
Just let it roll off your back.
♪ The Cars' "Drive" plays ♪
Tiff?
- Spence? - In the bedroom, babe.
Hey, bring us a bottle of wine, yeah?
♪ Who's gonna tell you when ♪
♪ It's too late ♪
Kyle? I'm home.
Kyle?
♪ Who's gonna tell you things ♪
♪ Aren't so great? ♪
Papa Bear, I've been naughty--
Hey!
I thought we were gonna get busy.
Oh, babe, I'm so full, I can hardly move.
You can do stuff to me if you like.
♪ Who's gonna drive you home ♪
Mm-mm.
♪ Tonight? ♪
♪ Who's gonna pick you up ♪
Would you get me a paper towel?
- Dip it in some cold water. - I'll even
- wipe it off of you. - Ooh! You don't wanna
lick it off?
And...scene. That felt really good.
You think Body Heat's a weird movie to audition with?
I just really wanna get into this acting class.
Maybe I'd loosen up if we had sex again.
- Ah. - Yeah. Then we can clean up
all the laundry that we knocked over
- when we had sex in the hall. - Yes! Ohh...
♪ To your dreams... ♪
- Rrr! - Rrr!
Ah...ahh!
Mo, we've got a problem.
Yeah, you're damn right we do--the Yakuza killed Kyle!
- Where the fuck is Keith?
- I been trying him all night! - He just skipped in
singing show tunes.
Look at this shit. I had it translated.
It's something Kyle would have done.
He loves languages-- Loved languages.
Oh, fuck me!
- They never got their money? - No!
- Keith! - Keith!
Hey. You screamed?
What happened with the drop?
The Yakuza never got their fucking cash!
Whaaat? That doesn't make any sen--
You just save it for the Yakuza
that I'm sending to your house to get their money
outta the fillings in your children's goddamn teeth!
That's pretty dark. Your Rachel's godfather.
- Go handle it! - On it.
Mo, I'm sorry.
All robocide aside, but we've got bigger issues.
Bigger than me getting my dick chopped off?
You're gonna be broke.
♪ edgy music ♪
This fuckin' day!
What the fuck did you do?
The Yakuza didn't get their money.
I asked you to do one simple thing.
- Whaaa-- - Oh, don't "whaaat?" me!
'Cause I was just in there "whaaat"ing Mo!
Look, this chick Geena I been mackin' on
beeped me 69-1-1. That's an oral emergency.
- I had Wayne do it. - Wayne?
- Yeah. - Wayne's a test tube baby!
Why the fuck would you do that?
Same reason you had me do it, so you could go see
fuckin' Starlight Express again?
- It's layered, okay?
Greaseball represents the twilight of the...
Industrial Revolution...
- before it got-- You got the Wayniac.
The Yakuza didn't get their money!
- Whaaaat? - No. Nope, Wayne.
- Where the fuck are you? - Home sick.
Jeez! Hey, unrelated to that,
I just wanted to let you guys know
how much fun I've had workin' with you.
You're not just good.
- You're golden. - Are you dying?
Is that the Golden Grahams slogan?
This is the final boarding call for flight...
Wayne...are you at LaGuardia?
No, man, I told ya, I'm at the movies.
You just said you were home sick.
Tell me you did not take the VIG money
that we owe murderers
and put it all on the LaGuardia Spread.
This call has been disconnected.
- Fuck!
Fuck!
What's the LaGuardia Spread?
You! Are there any abnormally huge positions
- open on Wayne's account? Go! - What? Wayne's a day scalper.
He never trades anything larger than--
Oh, God!
Wayne's long 100,000 contracts of feeder cattle?
- On margin. - Fuck!
What's the LaGuardia Spread?
My name's Karen, by the way,
- if you guys-- - Shut the fuck up,
Karen!
Hey, there he is.
- How'd it go, slugger? - Well, it was a night
of passion between
Tiff and this, like, Polish centaur.
And now she doesn't wanna get back together with me.
How'd she meet someone so fast?
You have to help me. Please?
Blair, this is totally fixable.
You take her to a super-romantic spot
and just...I want you to tell her how you feel.
Yeah, like that'll work.
Well, it worked for you.
You took me to the Cedar Tavern,
And you poured your heart out that night after work.
Remember? I hate to admit it,
but that's what did it for me, your vulnerable side.
I don't remember that. And I don't have any sides.
I'm all edge.
You don't remember telling me
that you were the last guy in your junior high to get pubes
- and how it totally defined-- - Nope. No, no, nope, nope.
Don't remember that. Hey, listen, Blair.
You wanna get Tiff back, you know what you need?
Good, old-fashioned honey pot.
- Ugh, God. - Like Hogan's Heroes.
Like Hogan's Heroes. Exactly.
Foolproof.
Except when it makes shit worse.
Well, it worked on you, didn't it?
There's no way you would have shown up
at Cedar Tavern that night if you hadn't seen me
makin' out with that Oreo model.
I think you're supposed to say "mulatto" now.
Yeah. She was a print model for Oreo Cookies, asshole.
Uh, no, she ate Oreos. I mean, she was fat.
- Jealous. - You know what?
She had shit to do with it, and fine.
- Honeypot it is. - Great.
And I'll be the honey.
Great. Just as I intended it.
- Great. - Great!
So I will get Tiff's boyfriend
to bring her to watch him tonight
in the Manhattan Pageant,
and you two kids can do your thing.
- Great. - Great.
Wait. How do you know who he is
or that he's in a pageant?
Jesus Chris, kid, did you ask this many questions
when you watched Hogan's Heroes?
Yeah. It's a sit-com that takes place
- in a Nazi concentration camp. - Mmm.
That's fair.
Remember that guy who could fuckin' pull
the handkerchief through his nostrils?
Bo Melp! What happened with that maniac?
Who the fuck knows? Same thing
with Sammy Marsh, Len Burger, and Chippy Cox.
When you're down to your last stack
and you're all outta moves, there's always one last play
if you're crazy enough to try it.
You take a huge position out on the margin--
I'm talking about a crazy fuckin' long shot--
you pack a bag, you head to the airport,
and you call the floor. If you're lucky,
you come home a hero. If you're not,
you don't come home ever.
You get on a plane, and you fuckin' disappear.
But Wayne has a family.
- Bo Melp had two.
Damn. The LaGuardia fuckin' Spread.
That motherfucker!
Wheeeere's the beef?
Ha ha. Isn't that what all you ladies are wonderin'?
Welcome to the motherfuckin'
43rd Annual Manhattan Pageant!
- Whoo!
Those of you who don't know me
are fulla shit, 'cause I'm a Goddamn legend.
- I came up in these very pits
and there is not a day that goes by
that I don't think how much I hate you dumb immigrants.
Okay, enough, enough, enough. Enough foreplay.
First up, ladies, comin' to the stage--
you know him, you hate him.
He's an incredible bigot.
Flanny, the oranges' frozen orange juice trader.
- Look at this fucking
alcoholic with the Irish tan, huh?
He doesn't have a liver. This is a die-er.
Come on, get those paddles up, ladies.
You better hurry up, 'cause he's knock-knock-knockin'
on hell's door. Come on, preach, Flanny.
You're one of the good ones, Mo.
- I tell you what... - Are the categories
really "man, hat" and "tan"?
It's all very first thought.
A thousand, a thousand.
1,000. 1,500.
2,000.
You look incredible.
Oh! Thank you! Just, uh...
little something I had
to spend my last two paychecks on.
- Okay, 2,000--
Ah...
There she is.
Oh, God. I haven't acted since college.
And the UPenn Gazette called my performance
as Otto Frank the worst thing to happen to Anne Frank.
Couldn't have been that bad.
- Just follow my lead. - Whoo!
- Oh.
- What about this? - Okay.
Yeah, yeah. It's natural.
Sold! 2,500!
Somebody's going home happy.
Those Irish eyes are smiling!
- I love you too.
Uh...let's keep it goin'!
Shit.
It's time for Market Watch with Ali Greer.
What's goin' on in those futures pits today, Ali?
The U.S. Agriculture Department
just released this quarter's livestock report,
and it's a record surplus,
causing feeder cattle futures to plummet.
Hey, bartender.
This is my last hundred.
I want 90 on drinks and 20 in smokes.
Just fuckin' do it!
- Thank you!
Hey, honey. Listen.
I'm not comin' home.
But I wanna let you know...
I've never loved anyone
as much as I loved...
your sister!
I--That's right! You were right!
I fucked your sister!
It was nice! Uh, buh-bye now!
- Fuck!
Fun fact about Fat Fred--
You know how he got his nickname?
- Mean children.
- True story.
- Dude looks like
a John Candy version of Soul Man.
- Was it just me,
or was that movie about racism
really, really racist?
Uh, like every movie.
I mean, you've seen Teen Wolf.
When the guy turns into an animal,
he starts dunking, break-dancing,
turning on white women,
scaring the shit outta white men.
My favorite line from that movie is,
"I'm not a fag. I'm a werewolf."
- Michael J.!
He is the reigning rainmaker, Jack Piechowski,
but you all know him as Jackson Polack!
- Whoo! - So debonair!
Show 'em the goods, baby.
Oh!
Let me tell you something.
You would never wanna be that chiseled.
- Women don't like that. - That masculine.
- No! - No!
Let's get this bidding going.
I want to serve him hot.
All right, I'm gonna start this cat at a thou!
Who got a thou?
- Fifteen! - Fifteen hundred.
- Thank you, young lady. - Fifteen thousand.
Fifteen thousand. Pretty sure that's gonna
close out the bids right there.
Thank you very much. Fifteen thousand, Jackson.
Mmm. Whatever.
- Jackson! - Whoo!
- Sorry. - That's okay.
Is that White Rain?
Yeah. You can smell it, huh?
- It's really nice. - It's like the best spray.
Hey, it's me, Wayne.
I just wanted to say
you're a piece of shit, and I've always hated you.
You put Mom on the phone?
Hi, Mom.
Yeah. I know you've always
liked Mark best, but guess what.
The joke's on you, because I outlived him.
Will you please put the dog on the phone?
I know it didn't work,
but...honeypot or not,
I had a really great time tonight.
Me too. You're cute.
You could be the third Corey.
Some Mo moves there.
Wait, wait, wait. Here she comes.
- Here she comes. - Backin' it up.
Don't look, don't look.
- Oh--Blair! - Uh--
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just, uh, you know,
here supporting the Mujahideen.
Just gotta get them as many weapons as possible.
- You're a good man. - Thank you, babe.
- And who is this? - I'm Jack.
- Like the cheese. - Oh!
Young...Einstein.
Impressive.
- This is Dawn. - Dawn, of course.
I've heard so much about you.
Wow, you are beautiful.
- Thank you. - Ah, your husband
- is a very lucky man.
- Wherever he is. - Ha ha ha ha ha.
Listen, I just came over to say
I don't want things to be awkward between us, Blair.
And I'm hoping that eventually
you and I could be friends.
You do?
For once in my life, I need to focus on myself.
On Tiff.
For once. So good-bye, Blair.
Nice to meet you.
That bow makes you look skinny.
Oh, thank you. You should get one.
- It didn't work! - No--
- I'm already in her rear-view. - Listen, no.
Tonight was just the first step, you know?
It might take a little--
Blair!
Tiff.
- Oh! - Ah!
Oh, my God. Tell me.
Tell me that you just brought Dawn here
- to make me jealous. - Yes. Did it work?
Of course it worked. Oh, my God, she's so hot.
Part of me didn't know whether I should be jealous
of her or of you, and that part of me
- was my Hot Pocket. - Yeah, your little Hot Pocket.
- Yeah... - Hey.
Is this wrong?
I mean...
Tiff's sort of the worst, and Blair's not.
Yeah, well, I can give you 60 million reasons
why it's right.
- I missed you. - I missed you too.
- I'm sorry. - Me too. I love you.
- I love you. - Huh? Oh, my God.
Is that my earring?
Okay, I'd know that emerald-cut emerald anywhere.
Stop. Stop-ay.
- Earring-a? - Oh!
Lo siento. Lo siento.
Oh, it's okay-o.
- Buenas dias.
Gracias.
Why didn't you tell me that you lost this?
You know these earrings were the only survivors
when my great-grandpa's mine collapsed!
I know, I'm sorry. I didn't wanna disappoint you,
and honestly, sometimes you can be a little bit scary.
I know I can, and I'm sorry. I'm working on it
with my numerologist.
Look, uh, I'm sorry I brought up
all our old stuff, you know?
The past is the past.
Well...
What if it wasn't?
We did such a great job of getting them back together,
what about...us? You know what I mean?
Oh, Momo.
What?
That was a long time ago,
and...remember? Kinda married.
No, I don't remember, okay?
I don't ever remember that.
That guy's a nonentity to me.
Okay? I mean, when was the last time
you had a good time with that white boy?
Last night.
- Last night? - Yeah.
Dawn, I know your
"I had a good time last night" face,
- and that ain't it. - Oh. Well, I got a new
"good time last night" face, that's all.
Okay.
Look, after I sash and crown here,
I'm gonna go over to the Cedar Tavern.
I'm gonna be there around 10:00, okay?
So...show up, don't show up.
It's up to you. I'm gonna be there.
You're gonna be there alone, Mo.
I'm not coming.
We'll see.
- We'll see. - Uh-huh.
- Ha ha. Uh-huh! - Okay.
- Bye! - Bye.
Let's get this back where it--
You know what? No. No, this thing's bad luck.
Ever since I put it on you, it's just kicked off
a series of disastrous events, okay?
This thing is cursed.
Hey, hey, hey!
There's the happy couple!
Oh, my God.
You've gotta be Tiff-- the one and only.
- Yeah, I am.
Blair has been heartbroken without you, I gotta tell you.
And I can see why.
Ah-ooga! Ha ha ha.
What a beautiful dress.
- Well, actually... - Whoa!
Oh! It's a skort.
- Skants. Prototype. - Skants.
Oh. Well, I'd say they better rush that baby to market.
- Right? - What is it: Levi's, Guess?
No, it's Georgina. I'm Tiff Georgina.
Tiff Georgina.
Now I see where this guy gets his fashion sense from--
a beautiful, fashionable lady
from a famously fashionable family.
- Ah! - And you must be the very
famous Maurice Monroe that I've heard so much about.
All good, I'm sure?
So what else?
- A lot of people, huh? - Yeah.
You know, Maurice, I have been meaning
to thank you for giving my man here a little job.
- Ah. - So please,
consider this tie pin a gift for luck.
Oh, my God. Ha ha! Well, I'm gonna say yes.
- Ah! - Ha ha ha ha ha!
- You kids have a great night. - Oh, so nice seeing you
- and meeting you. - Thanks again!
- That was so generous, babe. - Fuck him.
- Ooh! - Yeah?
- I'm back! - Yeah, you are back.
Oh, I'm actually on the air.
Hi, Howard! Long-time listener, first-time caller.
Hey, can you put Robin's boobs on the air?
Huh? No, no, I love you guys.
Hey, whoa, hey, Howard, before you hang up--
Fuck Jackie Martling!
- Wait!
- Stop him! - Shit!
Stop him! Get him, get him, stop him!
You dumb-ass LaGuardia fuckin' Spread idiot!
What the fuck are you doin', man?
The Yakuza's gonna track us down and kill us.
...killed today by a food-borne illness
found in beef.
Mad cow disease is affecting
livestock across Canada and the U.K.,
causing one of the biggest beef recalls in history.
The outbreak of mad cow disease
forced supermarkets across the U.K.
to dispose of the tainted beef.
Resupplying the market with safe beef from the U.S.
is causing the demand to skyrocket.
It is my distinct honor to present
these brave Mujahideen warriors
- with a check for $44,250.
Fight on, brave men. We will not forget you.
We're actually not going by Mujahideen anymore.
We're rebranding.
What do you think about, uh, Taliban?
Taliban, uh... yeah, that's got legs.
♪ edgy music ♪
Oh, shit, I gotta get outta here.
- All right, take it easy. - Salaam!
Yeah. Salami and bacon!
♪ Where do I find the strength ♪
♪ To face the future ♪
♪ With...without you? ♪
Uh...make it a double.
You haven't ordered.
Scotch.
♪ dramatic music ♪
I'm gonna need that finger.
No hard feelings, Mo.
You have a boss. I have a boss.
Technically, I'm my own boss, but...
Mm!
I have to do it?
How much pinky are we talkin' about?
- Mo! - Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Stop! Stop!
Stop! Shit!
We got the money and then some.
Turns out Wayne was pulling a LaGuardia Spread
- with the dough. - And it worked!
Well, it didn't until the U.K. was overrun
by zombie cows.
U.S. livestock futures are--
Do you wanna give this guy his Goddamn money
so I don't have to cut off my fucking pinkie?
The money's already been wired into your account, Mo.
So...are we good?
Ohh... Ha. Ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha. Oh!
I'm not even mad at you, Wayne okay?
You're a fuckin' wild man.
- Yeah, right?
It takes some big-- Actually, that's not true.
I'm very upset with you!
I'm upset with all three of you.
I'm gonna individually fuck each one of you up.
- Do you understand-- - Mm! So...
You wanna do a money order? Write us a check?
Whatever's easier.
♪ suspenseful music ♪
And again. Again, I fell for it.
And...again, Mo let me down.
You know, it's like, uh...
I feel like I'm Lucy,
you know, and the football,
or...maybe I'm Charlie Brown.
I don't know. Or maybe I'm the football.
Who knows? Ooh! Peanuts!
What if I do some peanuts
to soak up some of this alcohol.
This is supposed to be one of the most romantic spots
- in the city. - Eew.
I gotta pee.
Hey. You're here!
Mmm!
Did you see Tiff and I are, uh, we're back.
- I think. - Oh...
Uh, so thank you
for everything.
Well, I'm just--I'm happy that you're happy.
I see you took my advice on this spot?
Yeah, yeah, I did.
Again, I...owe you.
Big.
Yeah.
♪ upbeat synth music ♪