1 00:00:01,470 --> 00:00:02,720 ♪ synth music ♪ 2 00:00:02,804 --> 00:00:04,894 ♪ singers harmonizing ♪ 3 00:00:04,970 --> 00:00:07,260 ♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪ 4 00:00:07,929 --> 00:00:09,469 Previously on Black Monday ... 5 00:00:10,970 --> 00:00:12,930 I came across some Georgina documents. 6 00:00:13,011 --> 00:00:14,891 Yeah, I think that maybe we purchased 7 00:00:14,970 --> 00:00:16,180 some Georgina shares back in the day. 8 00:00:16,261 --> 00:00:17,181 Oh, my God! 9 00:00:17,261 --> 00:00:19,101 Who the fuck are you? 10 00:00:19,178 --> 00:00:20,298 - We're with the SEC. - We'll be in touch. 11 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:22,507 We've had some threats, uh, with Tiffany, 12 00:00:22,595 --> 00:00:25,135 e-ever since Calvin Klein's daughter was kidnapped. 13 00:00:25,220 --> 00:00:28,720 Mo and I dated a very long time ago. 14 00:00:28,804 --> 00:00:30,354 - Mo! Damn it. 15 00:00:30,428 --> 00:00:33,048 So this is it? You're gonna stay here with him? 16 00:00:33,136 --> 00:00:35,846 I tried everything to make this work because I love you. 17 00:00:35,929 --> 00:00:37,509 Do you even want to get married? 18 00:00:37,595 --> 00:00:39,175 Those aren't cops. They're fucking actors. 19 00:00:39,261 --> 00:00:40,761 Brendan books a pilot every year. 20 00:00:40,845 --> 00:00:42,505 Dawn, I'm really confused right now. 21 00:00:42,595 --> 00:00:45,505 ♪ synth music ♪ 22 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:56,007 So no matter how drunk I get tonight, 23 00:00:56,095 --> 00:00:57,755 wake me up, because remember, 24 00:00:57,845 --> 00:00:59,385 we're meeting my folks downtown at nine a.m. 25 00:00:59,470 --> 00:01:01,180 to look at that apartment on the Upper West Side. 26 00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:02,931 And remind me, what's the difference 27 00:01:03,011 --> 00:01:04,601 between the Upper West and the Upper East? 28 00:01:04,679 --> 00:01:05,889 My mom made up a mnemonic device 29 00:01:05,970 --> 00:01:07,510 for me as a kid. 30 00:01:07,595 --> 00:01:10,505 "Upper West, West, West is best, best, best. 31 00:01:10,595 --> 00:01:13,345 Upper East, East, East is Jewish." 32 00:01:13,428 --> 00:01:16,048 Is Nair supposed to burn my eyes from this distance? 33 00:01:16,136 --> 00:01:17,846 Yeah, baby. 34 00:01:17,929 --> 00:01:20,049 Tiff, you know, I've been doing really well 35 00:01:20,136 --> 00:01:23,716 at work lately, and we could afford a place on our own 36 00:01:23,804 --> 00:01:27,054 if we were willing just to move a little bit more downtown. 37 00:01:27,136 --> 00:01:29,596 "Downtown is brown, brown, brown." 38 00:01:29,679 --> 00:01:34,009 Blair, every newlywed's parents buy them an apartment. Duh. 39 00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:35,755 The only thing you should work on 40 00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:37,135 is letting yourself be happy. 41 00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:38,930 Everything's perfect. 42 00:01:39,011 --> 00:01:41,141 Is it? Because we still haven't really talked 43 00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:42,680 about the engagement party. 44 00:01:42,762 --> 00:01:44,102 - What about? - It was crappy. 45 00:01:44,178 --> 00:01:45,968 Well, you know what they say. 46 00:01:46,053 --> 00:01:48,263 "Crappy engagement, happy marriage." 47 00:01:48,345 --> 00:01:51,175 - No one says that. - Well, I do. 48 00:01:51,261 --> 00:01:54,801 How about the fact that I... didn't come home that night? 49 00:01:54,887 --> 00:01:57,257 I just assumed you were busy with work junk, 50 00:01:57,345 --> 00:01:59,545 and if I assumed correctly, cross your arms. 51 00:01:59,637 --> 00:02:02,427 Oh, perfect. 52 00:02:02,512 --> 00:02:04,182 I just think, 53 00:02:04,261 --> 00:02:06,431 in light of the last couple months, 54 00:02:06,512 --> 00:02:09,102 maybe we should think about... 55 00:02:09,178 --> 00:02:10,548 ...postponing the wedding. 56 00:02:10,637 --> 00:02:12,257 No. There's that P word again. 57 00:02:12,345 --> 00:02:13,965 We were in The Times Vows section, Blair, 58 00:02:14,053 --> 00:02:15,353 not the disavows section. 59 00:02:15,428 --> 00:02:17,008 We are getting married, 60 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:18,675 we are getting a place on the Upper West Side, 61 00:02:18,762 --> 00:02:21,762 and I am getting sozzled at my goddamned bachelorette party 62 00:02:21,845 --> 00:02:24,045 wearing a goddamned penis crown. 63 00:02:24,136 --> 00:02:26,796 And if you agree with all that, blink. 64 00:02:31,512 --> 00:02:33,802 Oh, God. 65 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:36,597 Perfect. I love you. 66 00:02:41,303 --> 00:02:43,013 Just a minute. 67 00:02:44,679 --> 00:02:46,639 Who is it? 68 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,220 Oh, my God! 69 00:02:48,303 --> 00:02:52,143 ♪ energetic synth music ♪ 70 00:02:52,220 --> 00:02:53,550 All those fair-weather 71 00:02:53,637 --> 00:02:55,467 Halley's Comet fans from last year 72 00:02:55,553 --> 00:02:57,013 don't know what they're missing. 73 00:02:57,095 --> 00:02:59,295 1987 is the year of the comet. 74 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,177 There's gonna be 11 visible tonight. 75 00:03:01,261 --> 00:03:03,601 - Eleven! - Ooh, is that a lot? 76 00:03:03,679 --> 00:03:06,429 Only the most since 1912. 77 00:03:06,512 --> 00:03:08,302 The only person I've seen more excited 78 00:03:08,387 --> 00:03:10,597 about burning rocks is Lawrence Taylor. 79 00:03:10,679 --> 00:03:12,759 - Who? - He's a Giant. 80 00:03:12,845 --> 00:03:14,675 Crackhead. 81 00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,352 We all have our hobbies. 82 00:03:16,428 --> 00:03:19,758 Mine is astronomy. Yours is lying to me. 83 00:03:19,845 --> 00:03:23,175 All right, how about tonight, we snuggle up on the couch 84 00:03:23,261 --> 00:03:25,681 with a bottle of wine and watch your comets? 85 00:03:25,762 --> 00:03:29,472 And then maybe you won't sleep on the couch anymore. 86 00:03:29,553 --> 00:03:31,853 I don't know if I'm ready for that. 87 00:03:31,929 --> 00:03:33,679 Babe, come on. I said some things. 88 00:03:33,762 --> 00:03:35,262 You said some things. 89 00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:37,095 But don't you miss these things? 90 00:03:37,178 --> 00:03:38,888 - Let's "comet" 91 00:03:38,970 --> 00:03:40,180 to ending this fight. 92 00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:41,391 I love you. 93 00:03:41,470 --> 00:03:44,550 Oh, me too. 94 00:03:44,637 --> 00:03:47,467 Especially when you get all astronomical with it. 95 00:03:47,553 --> 00:03:49,973 - Ooh. - Super hot. 96 00:03:50,053 --> 00:03:51,973 It's a date. 97 00:03:52,053 --> 00:03:53,683 Okay, I'll pick up a bottle 98 00:03:53,762 --> 00:03:55,102 on my way back from Tiff's bachelorette. 99 00:03:55,178 --> 00:03:56,798 What? Are you serious? 100 00:03:56,887 --> 00:03:58,797 You think I want to go? 101 00:03:58,887 --> 00:04:02,047 I told you, the Georgina play only works if they get married, 102 00:04:02,136 --> 00:04:03,506 and they're not in a great place. 103 00:04:03,595 --> 00:04:05,965 We are not in a great place! 104 00:04:06,053 --> 00:04:08,763 I worked too hard on this. 105 00:04:08,845 --> 00:04:11,095 And it's a lot of money, baby. 106 00:04:11,178 --> 00:04:12,388 Twenty minutes. 107 00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:14,050 I'm not even gonna stay for a drink. 108 00:04:14,136 --> 00:04:16,006 - I promise. 109 00:04:17,470 --> 00:04:19,140 - Go. - Thank you, thank you. 110 00:04:19,220 --> 00:04:20,930 Thank you! 111 00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:23,221 ♪ Hey, you came to rock the place ♪ 112 00:04:23,303 --> 00:04:25,803 ♪ And you can now all lift your hands ♪ 113 00:04:25,887 --> 00:04:28,007 Wakey, wakey. 114 00:04:28,095 --> 00:04:30,385 - Oh, there he is. 115 00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:33,140 - Surprise! - What the fuck? 116 00:04:33,220 --> 00:04:36,760 Wha--in what world is it okay to kidnap someone? 117 00:04:36,845 --> 00:04:38,795 Oh, people kidnap each other all the time 118 00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:40,217 for these bachelor party joke things. 119 00:04:40,303 --> 00:04:41,723 You know, it's called "kidding-napping" 120 00:04:41,804 --> 00:04:43,104 for a reason, Blair. 121 00:04:43,178 --> 00:04:44,848 No, it's not. And you used chloroform. 122 00:04:44,929 --> 00:04:47,849 - Well, that's the napping part. - Who uses chloroform? 123 00:04:47,929 --> 00:04:49,299 Uh, Colonel John Hannibal Smith, 124 00:04:49,387 --> 00:04:51,217 Faceman, Howling Man Murdock-- 125 00:04:51,303 --> 00:04:53,183 Now you're just listing the A-Team. 126 00:04:53,261 --> 00:04:55,511 - You changed my shirt? - Blair, they used to... 127 00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:56,925 - What the fuck is this? - ...chloroform Mr. T 128 00:04:57,011 --> 00:04:58,681 all the time, okay? He was always fine afterward. 129 00:04:58,762 --> 00:05:00,762 Just because something works on TV doesn't make it okay. 130 00:05:00,845 --> 00:05:02,425 Will you just try to have fun? 131 00:05:02,512 --> 00:05:04,972 - Chad, stop the car! - Nope. Don't stop shit. 132 00:05:05,053 --> 00:05:07,223 Come on, Blair. We got a whole night of surprises planned. 133 00:05:07,303 --> 00:05:09,143 You're just pissed off about your engagement party, 134 00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:10,430 - but to be honest, you-- - I'm not pissed 135 00:05:10,512 --> 00:05:12,142 about the engagement party. 136 00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:13,470 I am pissed that you never say "I'm sorry" 137 00:05:13,553 --> 00:05:14,763 for anything ever. 138 00:05:14,845 --> 00:05:16,795 Well, I'm sorry... 139 00:05:16,887 --> 00:05:20,137 that I have a policy about never apologizing... 140 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,640 to white people. 141 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,260 Why? Because Sting won all those Grammys over "Thriller"? 142 00:05:25,345 --> 00:05:28,005 Because of slavery, Blair. Slavery. 143 00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,715 Sorry. 144 00:05:30,804 --> 00:05:32,974 Man, I thought grabbing you and going all grand gesture 145 00:05:33,053 --> 00:05:35,393 would make it up to you in a two birds, one stone, 146 00:05:35,470 --> 00:05:38,220 three eight balls, four scores of Scores girls kind of way. 147 00:05:38,303 --> 00:05:40,433 It doesn't even matter. 148 00:05:40,512 --> 00:05:42,302 I don't think I can marry Tiff anymore. 149 00:05:42,387 --> 00:05:44,297 - You don't what? 150 00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:47,007 Thank you. Good night. 151 00:05:47,095 --> 00:05:48,635 Good ni--hey, why are we stopping? 152 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,680 - What the fuck? - Everyone out of the car! 153 00:05:50,762 --> 00:05:52,102 - Oh, God. - Now! 154 00:05:52,178 --> 00:05:53,258 Another prank? 155 00:05:53,345 --> 00:05:54,675 Mo, I would've thought 156 00:05:54,762 --> 00:05:55,932 you would've learned your lesson, 157 00:05:56,011 --> 00:05:57,351 but, no, you got to double down. 158 00:05:57,428 --> 00:05:58,638 This isn't a fucking prank, kid. 159 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,600 What are you, Thug One and Thug Two? 160 00:06:00,679 --> 00:06:03,259 "Oh, the places you'll go. The things you will do!" 161 00:06:03,345 --> 00:06:06,045 Hey, open your mouth again, and I'll shit up your ass, bitch. 162 00:06:06,136 --> 00:06:07,846 That sounds complicated. 163 00:06:07,929 --> 00:06:09,889 - Oh, I'll make it work. - Oh. 164 00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,010 Hey, let's go Last Dragon on these motherfuckers. 165 00:06:12,095 --> 00:06:14,675 ♪ dramatic music ♪ 166 00:06:14,762 --> 00:06:15,972 Really? 167 00:06:16,053 --> 00:06:17,473 You son of a... 168 00:06:22,095 --> 00:06:23,755 Sweet. What's the next surprise? 169 00:06:31,637 --> 00:06:33,257 So first it was your anniversary. 170 00:06:33,345 --> 00:06:35,255 Then your daughter's birthday. 171 00:06:35,345 --> 00:06:37,215 - Then your son's quinceañera? - Then your aunt died. 172 00:06:37,303 --> 00:06:38,643 - Then your uncle died. - Then your car died. 173 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,260 Then your wife dyed her hair the wrong shade, 174 00:06:40,345 --> 00:06:41,925 so you had to rush her to the salon? 175 00:06:42,011 --> 00:06:43,551 How is that even an excuse? 176 00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:45,887 Well, what can I say? I'm a busy guy. 177 00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:49,510 I'm a busy, important, law-abiding, super-cool guy, 178 00:06:49,595 --> 00:06:53,885 but I'm here now, so let's get this ménage on the trois. 179 00:06:53,970 --> 00:06:56,390 - Keith, we don't want you. - Oh, well. 180 00:06:56,470 --> 00:06:59,510 You don't know what you're missing, 'cause I go downtown. 181 00:06:59,595 --> 00:07:01,795 We want Maurice Monroe 182 00:07:01,887 --> 00:07:04,217 for all the illegal shit the Jammer Group's been up to, 183 00:07:04,303 --> 00:07:06,353 and you are gonna give him to us. 184 00:07:06,428 --> 00:07:08,138 And why the fuck would I do that? 185 00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:11,100 The SEC has taken down exactly--uh, what is it? 186 00:07:11,178 --> 00:07:12,888 Oh, zero people? 187 00:07:12,970 --> 00:07:14,930 Okay, by the time you build a case, 188 00:07:15,011 --> 00:07:17,721 Reagan--hallowed be thy name-- will make it legal. 189 00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,764 Well, we're about to change all that. 190 00:07:19,845 --> 00:07:22,675 We got an open-and-shut case of stock manipulation. 191 00:07:22,762 --> 00:07:25,352 So either you cooperate, or you're gonna go down with Mo. 192 00:07:25,428 --> 00:07:27,798 You want to go to prison, Keith? 193 00:07:30,512 --> 00:07:32,142 All right, what do you got? 194 00:07:32,220 --> 00:07:35,140 ♪ intriguing music ♪ 195 00:07:46,095 --> 00:07:49,545 This? F.A.T.? 196 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:52,297 That's all you got? Well, uh, I hope you like 197 00:07:52,387 --> 00:07:54,177 your nothing burger with nothing on it, 198 00:07:54,261 --> 00:07:56,181 because this is nothing. 199 00:07:56,261 --> 00:07:57,511 Then how do you explain 200 00:07:57,595 --> 00:07:59,755 the highly abnormal one-day trading pattern 201 00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:03,595 for Federal Allied Titanium on October 20th of last year? 202 00:08:03,679 --> 00:08:08,049 It was a prank. A fucking goof. This is rich. 203 00:08:08,136 --> 00:08:11,716 To think that we were afraid of you two Columb-hos. 204 00:08:11,804 --> 00:08:13,264 Columbos, but with "ho." 205 00:08:13,345 --> 00:08:14,755 - We get it. - Bullshit. 206 00:08:14,845 --> 00:08:17,425 Call MoStan, okay? Call Ty Daverman. 207 00:08:17,512 --> 00:08:20,182 And he will set you two chicks straight, okay? 208 00:08:20,261 --> 00:08:23,261 - Speaking of straight... - Deb. 209 00:08:23,345 --> 00:08:24,925 - You're gay. 210 00:08:25,011 --> 00:08:27,301 No, I'm not. 211 00:08:27,387 --> 00:08:29,717 You're gay, and we know it. 212 00:08:29,804 --> 00:08:33,184 So why don't you have a seat, Colum-homo? 213 00:08:33,261 --> 00:08:35,971 ♪ tense music ♪ 214 00:08:43,929 --> 00:08:45,509 Thought so. 215 00:08:50,470 --> 00:08:52,890 - Someone? 216 00:08:52,970 --> 00:08:55,350 - Thank you. - Dawn? Come on in! Hi! 217 00:08:55,428 --> 00:08:57,678 Hey, uh, sorry I'm super late. 218 00:08:57,762 --> 00:08:59,682 Or am I super early? Why is no one here? 219 00:08:59,762 --> 00:09:02,432 Let's drank. Waiter! Get my girl some dranks! 220 00:09:02,512 --> 00:09:04,392 - I'm so glad you came. - Of course. 221 00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:06,350 You know I had to come celebrate 222 00:09:06,428 --> 00:09:07,218 the world's strongest couple. 223 00:09:07,303 --> 00:09:09,103 Well, second strongest 224 00:09:09,178 --> 00:09:11,348 behind Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen, right? 225 00:09:11,428 --> 00:09:14,638 - Those two are yoked. - You're hilarious. 226 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,180 And you're gonna love my girlfriends. 227 00:09:16,261 --> 00:09:17,471 They're always joking around 228 00:09:17,553 --> 00:09:18,803 and running at least 52 minutes late. 229 00:09:18,887 --> 00:09:21,797 I mean, this is, like, so them. 230 00:09:21,887 --> 00:09:23,637 Dickcessory? 231 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,140 - Oh, uh, actually, I'm good. 232 00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:28,140 You're dangerous. No, I'm good, actually. 233 00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:29,850 No--no white dicks for me after Labor Day. 234 00:09:29,929 --> 00:09:32,259 - Oh! Boom! Again. - No, it's... 235 00:09:32,345 --> 00:09:34,255 Dawn Rickles. 236 00:09:34,345 --> 00:09:36,845 You should charge a two-drink minimum for yourself. 237 00:09:36,929 --> 00:09:39,049 Get my girl two drinks! Sit. 238 00:09:39,136 --> 00:09:41,636 More peñis coladas, ma'am? 239 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,010 Call me ma'am again. 240 00:09:43,095 --> 00:09:46,005 I want you to. 241 00:09:46,095 --> 00:09:48,795 And for you... ...miss? 242 00:09:48,887 --> 00:09:50,217 Um, I'm-I'm actually good. 243 00:09:50,303 --> 00:09:51,223 I just came to say a quick hello. 244 00:09:51,303 --> 00:09:53,053 No, don't leave. 245 00:09:53,136 --> 00:09:56,136 I mean, I just-- I want you to hang, 246 00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:57,890 'cause I really want to get to know the woman 247 00:09:57,970 --> 00:09:59,970 that stole my Care Blair away. 248 00:10:00,053 --> 00:10:02,763 Wait, Tiff, I-I don't know what you think is going on, but-- 249 00:10:02,845 --> 00:10:04,465 I mean, just 'cause you're his boss 250 00:10:04,553 --> 00:10:06,433 and you make him work late and stuff. 251 00:10:06,512 --> 00:10:08,722 What did you think I meant? 252 00:10:08,804 --> 00:10:12,854 That I am his boss and always making him stay late, working. 253 00:10:12,929 --> 00:10:14,509 Can I have a Scotch? 254 00:10:14,595 --> 00:10:17,215 Oh, this is so scary, Mo. 255 00:10:17,303 --> 00:10:19,603 The car fire's a little on the nose, though. 256 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:21,299 It's not a fucking prank, okay, Blair? 257 00:10:21,387 --> 00:10:23,427 We're lost in goddamn Little Beirut. 258 00:10:23,512 --> 00:10:25,102 And I lost a quarter-of-a-million-dollar car. 259 00:10:25,178 --> 00:10:27,008 Oh, come on. 260 00:10:27,095 --> 00:10:28,295 Okay, it's a quarter of a quarter-of-a-million-dollar car. 261 00:10:28,387 --> 00:10:29,677 It was mostly, you know, Fiero 262 00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:31,262 with a little Town Car thrown in there. 263 00:10:31,345 --> 00:10:32,635 - But still, it stings. - No, I mean, "Come on, 264 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,680 I don't believe you." 265 00:10:34,762 --> 00:10:36,932 Look, no offense, but I'm just gonna get a cab and go home. 266 00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:38,641 I got to figure out what I'm doing with Tiff. 267 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:39,890 You know, this is the second time you've said this shit. 268 00:10:39,970 --> 00:10:41,640 Figure what out? Spill it. 269 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,720 I just feel like me and Tiff, it's just not-- 270 00:10:43,804 --> 00:10:45,554 it just is not... 271 00:10:45,637 --> 00:10:48,637 Wow. You thought of everything. 272 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,800 The "cops" are here. 273 00:10:50,887 --> 00:10:53,097 No, no, I didn't set this up. We should go this way, man. 274 00:10:53,178 --> 00:10:54,718 - Let's go this way. - No. No, no, no. 275 00:10:54,804 --> 00:10:56,304 I'm gonna go talk to the fuzz. 276 00:10:56,387 --> 00:10:57,467 - No, don't go talk to the... - Yeah. 277 00:10:57,553 --> 00:10:59,053 ...fucking fuzz! Hey! 278 00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:00,096 - Officers! - Blair! 279 00:11:00,178 --> 00:11:01,798 Officers! 280 00:11:01,887 --> 00:11:04,007 Hi. I was just wondering 281 00:11:04,095 --> 00:11:06,255 if either of you T.J. Hooker extras had a chance 282 00:11:06,345 --> 00:11:08,675 to try the canapés at my engagement party 283 00:11:08,762 --> 00:11:10,012 before you fucking trashed the place. 284 00:11:10,095 --> 00:11:11,595 What? Who the fuck are you? 285 00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:13,049 Mo! 286 00:11:13,136 --> 00:11:14,346 Next time you call Central Casting, 287 00:11:14,428 --> 00:11:16,218 you got to be specific. 288 00:11:16,303 --> 00:11:17,933 Don't just say "big." You should've said "tough." 289 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,601 They sent the fucking Fat Boys. 290 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,179 Please, do not shoot my dumb-ass friend. 291 00:11:21,261 --> 00:11:22,931 - Shut the fuck up! 292 00:11:23,011 --> 00:11:24,641 Come on, you got to try to sell that punch better. 293 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,050 Who'd you boost this watch off, huh, bro? 294 00:11:26,136 --> 00:11:27,546 Listen, we're not gonna say anything, okay? 295 00:11:27,637 --> 00:11:29,097 We didn't see anything! Just let us go! 296 00:11:29,178 --> 00:11:31,258 Okay, look... 297 00:11:31,345 --> 00:11:33,005 - I'm tired. - Blair. 298 00:11:33,095 --> 00:11:35,095 I want to go home. What are we supposed to say? 299 00:11:35,178 --> 00:11:37,548 "Time out" or "olly, olly, oxen free"? 300 00:11:37,637 --> 00:11:39,177 - Fucking actors. 301 00:11:39,261 --> 00:11:41,391 - Oh! - Shit, that felt real. 302 00:11:41,470 --> 00:11:43,800 Whoa. It is real, you dumb fuck. Point it at the dirty cops. 303 00:11:43,887 --> 00:11:45,547 - Okay. - Get-get on the ground. 304 00:11:45,637 --> 00:11:47,847 I'm just backing away. I'm sorry. 305 00:11:47,929 --> 00:11:49,759 Sorry about this. Thank you for your service! 306 00:11:49,845 --> 00:11:52,135 Get back here! I'll fucking kill you! 307 00:11:54,428 --> 00:11:55,848 - Get the fuck back here! - Get back here! 308 00:11:55,929 --> 00:11:58,139 - Oh, shit. 309 00:12:11,053 --> 00:12:13,263 - Give us a case, 310 00:12:13,345 --> 00:12:15,005 or we'll tell everyone you're more flaming 311 00:12:15,095 --> 00:12:17,045 than Fire Island, which works on two levels. 312 00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:19,216 - Come on, Deb. - We'll tell your wife. 313 00:12:19,303 --> 00:12:20,763 We'll tell Mo. 314 00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:23,425 We'll tell your son. 315 00:12:23,512 --> 00:12:25,182 ♪ dramatic music ♪ 316 00:12:27,095 --> 00:12:28,595 Okay. 317 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:30,799 Nice. Told you he'd be in. 318 00:12:30,887 --> 00:12:33,967 No, no, I meant "Okay, go for it." 319 00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:37,143 Tell the world that I long for schlong. 320 00:12:37,220 --> 00:12:39,430 Agent Fox isn't fucking joking. 321 00:12:39,512 --> 00:12:42,762 I mean, there was a joke in the way that she said it. 322 00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,885 I'm not joking either, okay? 323 00:12:44,970 --> 00:12:46,760 You know, God's a funny fuck, isn't He? 324 00:12:46,845 --> 00:12:48,795 Maybe this is the final push I've needed, you know? 325 00:12:48,887 --> 00:12:50,507 I've been wanting to tell my family forever, 326 00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:53,425 and Mo only cares that I'm gay for money, so... 327 00:12:53,512 --> 00:12:55,102 do it. 328 00:12:55,178 --> 00:12:57,468 Now, if there aren't any further questions, 329 00:12:57,553 --> 00:13:00,013 your ho-nors--that's "your honors" but with "ho"-- 330 00:13:00,095 --> 00:13:02,505 - Not your best work. - No, we, uh... 331 00:13:02,595 --> 00:13:03,885 we got another ace up our sleeves, so... 332 00:13:03,970 --> 00:13:06,050 - Mm-hmm. - We will be back. 333 00:13:06,136 --> 00:13:08,466 Time to break out the big guns. 334 00:13:11,095 --> 00:13:12,675 I'm telling you, 335 00:13:12,762 --> 00:13:14,682 every girl is caught between a Jake and a Ted. 336 00:13:14,762 --> 00:13:16,722 - Who? - From Sixteen Candles. 337 00:13:16,804 --> 00:13:17,894 - I haven't seen it. - What? 338 00:13:17,970 --> 00:13:19,430 - No. - No! You haven't seen it? 339 00:13:19,512 --> 00:13:20,852 - Uh-uh. - Okay. 340 00:13:20,929 --> 00:13:22,719 So Jake Ryan is this super-hot badass. 341 00:13:22,804 --> 00:13:24,354 - Mm-hmm. - And Ted is this dweeb. 342 00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,508 - Oof. - And I'm marrying a total Ted, 343 00:13:26,595 --> 00:13:29,545 which is crazy because all I'd ever been with are Jakes. 344 00:13:29,637 --> 00:13:31,047 - Oh... - I lost my virginity 345 00:13:31,136 --> 00:13:32,756 - to a real bad boy. - Who? 346 00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:35,345 - Bill Laimbeer. - Ah! The Piston? 347 00:13:35,428 --> 00:13:36,798 - More like the noodle. 348 00:13:36,887 --> 00:13:38,677 We went to theater camp together. 349 00:13:38,762 --> 00:13:41,262 I hope he was a better actor back then. 350 00:13:43,470 --> 00:13:45,140 - It's a basketball joke. - Mm. 351 00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:46,470 'Cause... 352 00:13:46,553 --> 00:13:48,303 Anyway, I hear you, honestly. 353 00:13:48,387 --> 00:13:50,467 You know, I was all Jakes, 354 00:13:50,553 --> 00:13:52,553 and then I married a real fucking Ted. 355 00:13:52,637 --> 00:13:54,047 I told you, I told you. 356 00:13:54,136 --> 00:13:56,636 - Oh, God, Dawn. - Hmm? 357 00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,640 Am I making a huge mistake? 358 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,300 - No, no! - Tell me. 359 00:14:00,387 --> 00:14:02,347 No, I promise you. 360 00:14:02,428 --> 00:14:04,298 Blair--Blair's great. 361 00:14:04,387 --> 00:14:06,927 Like, really great. Tiff, you are a lucky girl. 362 00:14:07,011 --> 00:14:08,851 And you and I, we both know, you know, 363 00:14:08,929 --> 00:14:10,299 bad boys are just bad. 364 00:14:10,387 --> 00:14:11,597 Yeah. Except Jake Ryan. 365 00:14:11,679 --> 00:14:12,929 He had a heart of gold. 366 00:14:13,011 --> 00:14:14,471 - Mm. - When he found out 367 00:14:14,553 --> 00:14:16,513 all Ted wanted was to lose his virginity, 368 00:14:16,595 --> 00:14:20,425 Jake let him have sex with his passed-out girlfriend. 369 00:14:20,512 --> 00:14:22,852 - What the fuck? - I know. Wow. 370 00:14:22,929 --> 00:14:24,969 And that was in movie theaters? 371 00:14:25,053 --> 00:14:26,263 - Yeah. - And white people were just 372 00:14:26,345 --> 00:14:28,465 like, "Cool"? 373 00:14:28,553 --> 00:14:30,513 Oh, my God. 374 00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:32,595 I guess that is super fucked up. 375 00:14:32,679 --> 00:14:35,509 - Yeah, yeah. 376 00:14:38,637 --> 00:14:40,387 - Wait, wait, wait, wait. 377 00:14:40,470 --> 00:14:42,350 What's happening? What's happening? 378 00:14:42,428 --> 00:14:45,888 I'm pretty sure Blair tried to call off the wedding tonight. 379 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:49,217 And it's gonna be super embarrassing, 380 00:14:49,303 --> 00:14:51,933 but I think I'm gonna-- just gonna take him up on it. 381 00:14:52,011 --> 00:14:55,891 - No. Why? - 'Cause we're cursed. 382 00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:58,970 - We're cursed. - I-I...no, no. 383 00:14:59,053 --> 00:15:00,513 Just drink your penis. It's gonna be okay. 384 00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:02,345 I promise. 385 00:15:02,428 --> 00:15:04,388 - What a fucking night, right? 386 00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:05,890 - Oh! - Oh, you handled that gun 387 00:15:05,970 --> 00:15:07,430 - like a champ. - Shit! 388 00:15:07,512 --> 00:15:08,972 Sorry, I thought it was fake, Mo. 389 00:15:09,053 --> 00:15:10,473 And I am sorry for kidnapping you, 390 00:15:10,553 --> 00:15:11,973 but that was fresh. 391 00:15:12,053 --> 00:15:13,893 - Yes! 392 00:15:13,970 --> 00:15:16,010 Ooh! What a team, right? 393 00:15:16,095 --> 00:15:17,885 Brains and beauty, witty and pretty, 394 00:15:17,970 --> 00:15:19,600 and, hey, you bring some shit to the table, too, kid. 395 00:15:19,679 --> 00:15:23,009 Oh, my God, we're alive in a stolen cop car. 396 00:15:23,095 --> 00:15:25,045 - Yeah. - We cheated death. 397 00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:27,886 - We fucking did. - What do we do now? 398 00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:30,050 - Let's drink till we die! - Yes! 399 00:15:30,136 --> 00:15:31,546 Hey, there's a spot right over here. 400 00:15:31,637 --> 00:15:33,467 - All right. - Okay. 401 00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:37,349 Who breaks up before their wedding 402 00:15:37,428 --> 00:15:39,468 and still ends up happy together? 403 00:15:39,553 --> 00:15:41,853 Lots of people. Uh... 404 00:15:41,929 --> 00:15:44,099 yeah, O.J. Simpson and that blonde girl he just married. 405 00:15:44,178 --> 00:15:45,758 - Yeah. - Robert Wagner 406 00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:47,215 and Natalie Wood-- I mean, they married each other 407 00:15:47,303 --> 00:15:49,553 twice and were so happy until... 408 00:15:49,637 --> 00:15:51,757 they drifted apart... literally. 409 00:15:51,845 --> 00:15:54,755 And the engagement party was such a disaster. 410 00:15:54,845 --> 00:15:56,465 Not to mention he was out all night 411 00:15:56,553 --> 00:15:58,013 with some prostitute probably. 412 00:15:58,095 --> 00:16:00,385 No, no, probably...not. 413 00:16:00,470 --> 00:16:02,050 I tried to talk to my minister, 414 00:16:02,136 --> 00:16:04,006 but I'm only an Operating Thetan IV, 415 00:16:04,095 --> 00:16:05,965 and he won't discuss it until I go up the Bridge, 416 00:16:06,053 --> 00:16:08,643 but that's, like, another 100 grand. 417 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,390 Trust me, Tiff. You are not cursed. 418 00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:13,970 Yeah? Really? 419 00:16:14,053 --> 00:16:15,933 Then how come no one showed up 420 00:16:16,011 --> 00:16:17,391 to my bachelorette party, Dawn? 421 00:16:17,470 --> 00:16:19,800 Maybe they got caught in the park and killed. 422 00:16:19,887 --> 00:16:21,717 You're sweet. 423 00:16:21,804 --> 00:16:23,474 But I think this is the final sign. 424 00:16:23,553 --> 00:16:25,393 - Check, please. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 425 00:16:25,470 --> 00:16:27,680 Maybe it's a good thing your fake-ass friends didn't show. 426 00:16:27,762 --> 00:16:30,102 - Why? - Well, you've outgrown them. 427 00:16:30,178 --> 00:16:34,048 Okay? You have new, sophisticated friends like me. 428 00:16:34,136 --> 00:16:36,796 Right? Now, who needs those skanks? 429 00:16:36,887 --> 00:16:38,467 All we need are drinks. 430 00:16:38,553 --> 00:16:41,053 Haven't you ever fallen out of love, Dawn? 431 00:16:41,136 --> 00:16:44,176 You know, you keep holding on, 432 00:16:44,261 --> 00:16:46,891 hoping to get that feeling back, but... 433 00:16:46,970 --> 00:16:49,800 the tighter you grip it, the further away it gets. 434 00:16:49,887 --> 00:16:51,717 And then one day you wake up, 435 00:16:51,804 --> 00:16:53,894 and you're two totally different people 436 00:16:53,970 --> 00:16:57,260 and you wonder how you even got together in the first place. 437 00:16:57,345 --> 00:16:59,635 ♪ somber music ♪ 438 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,510 Haven't you ever felt that, Dawn? 439 00:17:03,553 --> 00:17:06,473 No. 440 00:17:08,553 --> 00:17:11,853 I've never felt that. 441 00:17:11,929 --> 00:17:14,179 - We're like Miami Vice. - Exactly. 442 00:17:14,261 --> 00:17:16,141 - Tiff? Dawn? - Blair? 443 00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:17,890 Are you crying? 444 00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,350 Are you okay? 445 00:17:19,428 --> 00:17:22,348 I don't think so. What are you doing here? 446 00:17:22,428 --> 00:17:24,548 Jesus Christ, this night can't get any crazier. 447 00:17:24,637 --> 00:17:26,547 We almost got killed, okay? Twice. 448 00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:27,847 And then we come in here randomly to get a drink, 449 00:17:27,929 --> 00:17:29,889 and then you two are here. 450 00:17:29,970 --> 00:17:32,100 If this isn't a sign that these two kids are soul mates, 451 00:17:32,178 --> 00:17:34,468 I don't know what is, right, Dawn? 452 00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,723 - Right, Dawn? - Uh, yeah. Sure. 453 00:17:36,804 --> 00:17:39,394 Ye--"yeah, sure"? More like "hell, yeah, sure." 454 00:17:39,470 --> 00:17:40,890 Hey, waiter, listen, 455 00:17:40,970 --> 00:17:42,470 a bottle of your finest champagne 456 00:17:42,553 --> 00:17:43,973 will not cut it. 457 00:17:44,053 --> 00:17:46,053 We need four of those motherfuckers 458 00:17:46,136 --> 00:17:48,176 and then tequila shots, 'cause we're getting crazy tonight. 459 00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:50,511 Oh, man, can you believe this coincidence? 460 00:17:50,595 --> 00:17:52,135 No. 461 00:17:52,220 --> 00:17:55,260 Ok--huh? No? Ah, wha... 462 00:17:55,345 --> 00:17:58,505 Ugh, smug Chia Pet motherfucker. 463 00:17:58,595 --> 00:18:01,635 There's got to be something we missed. 464 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,350 The only other thing we found was this. 465 00:18:04,428 --> 00:18:06,178 They've been buying up Georgina Jeans like crazy. 466 00:18:06,261 --> 00:18:08,181 What? When I went through their quarterlies, 467 00:18:08,261 --> 00:18:09,801 they weren't holding any major positions. 468 00:18:09,887 --> 00:18:11,717 They were up to 40%. 469 00:18:11,804 --> 00:18:14,224 They must've gotten spooked and sold it off or something. 470 00:18:14,303 --> 00:18:16,473 Or they hid it to throw off the Street... 471 00:18:16,553 --> 00:18:19,853 and us. 472 00:18:19,929 --> 00:18:21,759 Captain's log. 473 00:18:21,845 --> 00:18:24,215 Captain Keith T. Shanker reporting for duty. 474 00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:26,553 This planet is full of assholes, a-- 475 00:18:26,637 --> 00:18:28,217 - Feet off the table. - Fucking touch me again, 476 00:18:28,303 --> 00:18:30,603 - and I'll sue. - So we know you don't care 477 00:18:30,679 --> 00:18:32,759 if we tell your son about your boyfriend, 478 00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,385 but how would you feel if we told your son 479 00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:35,760 and your boyfriend that they're going to jail 480 00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:37,845 for illegal share parking? 481 00:18:37,929 --> 00:18:39,639 You know, I think your son's gonna have a really hard time 482 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,220 getting into Brandeis with that on his permanent record. 483 00:18:42,303 --> 00:18:43,513 Believe me, Brad's gonna have a hard time 484 00:18:43,595 --> 00:18:45,095 getting into any college. 485 00:18:45,178 --> 00:18:46,928 Well, I bet your boyfriend's gonna have 486 00:18:47,011 --> 00:18:49,261 a real hard time in prison-- actually, he might like it. 487 00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:52,255 Can we cool it with the gay panic stuff, Deb? 488 00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:54,215 - My cousin's a fairy. - Bullshit. 489 00:18:54,303 --> 00:18:56,513 I don't have any idea what you're talking about. 490 00:18:56,595 --> 00:19:01,045 Liar, liar, jeans on fire. 491 00:19:01,136 --> 00:19:03,386 Nice. See? That was a good, clean one. 492 00:19:03,470 --> 00:19:05,430 Thanks. How do you feel now, Keith? 493 00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,802 ♪ tense music ♪ 494 00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:09,847 Fuck me. 495 00:19:13,345 --> 00:19:17,545 Okay. What do you need me to do? 496 00:19:17,637 --> 00:19:19,967 Be honest, Mo. You didn't know they were here? 497 00:19:20,053 --> 00:19:21,603 And, Dawn, you didn't tip them off 498 00:19:21,679 --> 00:19:23,639 - that I was getting cold feet? - Wait a second. 499 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:24,800 - Why do you have cold feet? - You're getting cold feet? 500 00:19:24,887 --> 00:19:26,927 - Because you are! - I'm-I'm just confused. 501 00:19:27,011 --> 00:19:28,511 Don't you love me anymore? 502 00:19:28,595 --> 00:19:30,965 Yes, he loves you anymore. This is insane, guys. 503 00:19:31,053 --> 00:19:32,473 Cold feet is normal. It's very normal. 504 00:19:32,553 --> 00:19:34,223 - Right, Dawn? - Cold feet are normal. 505 00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:35,893 - See that? - But you got to listen 506 00:19:35,970 --> 00:19:36,890 - to your heart. - I know. 507 00:19:36,970 --> 00:19:39,430 - What the fuck? - Mo, shut up! 508 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,352 Listen, find the person you want to be with 509 00:19:41,428 --> 00:19:43,428 based on who they are, not who they aren't. 510 00:19:43,512 --> 00:19:45,932 Trust me, if you pick a Ted just because a bunch of Jakes 511 00:19:46,011 --> 00:19:49,101 broke your heart, you're gonna be lonely. 512 00:19:49,178 --> 00:19:51,048 W-wait, wait, wait. W-who's Ted and Jake? 513 00:19:51,136 --> 00:19:52,256 - Sixteen Candles. - Sixteen Candles. 514 00:19:52,345 --> 00:19:54,005 That movie's fucked. Long Duk Dong? 515 00:19:54,095 --> 00:19:55,595 Talk about a goddamn minstrel show right there. 516 00:19:55,679 --> 00:19:58,009 All right, the point is, if you marry the wrong person, 517 00:19:58,095 --> 00:20:00,095 you will regret it every day. 518 00:20:00,178 --> 00:20:02,178 Well, just 'cause Dawn should've married her bad boy-- 519 00:20:02,261 --> 00:20:03,891 - This isn't about you. - Oh. 520 00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:07,350 This isn't about Spencer. This is about me. 521 00:20:07,428 --> 00:20:09,428 This me. Tiffa-me. 522 00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:11,262 Well, you used "me" as a metaphor. 523 00:20:11,345 --> 00:20:12,845 - No, I didn't. - Uh, I'm pretty sure 524 00:20:12,929 --> 00:20:15,179 - that you did. - How am I a Ted? I am a Jake. 525 00:20:15,261 --> 00:20:16,471 I've always reminded myself of a Jake. 526 00:20:16,553 --> 00:20:18,053 You're Ted tip to tush. T-E-D, Ted. 527 00:20:18,136 --> 00:20:19,756 You're a little Teddy bear. 528 00:20:19,845 --> 00:20:21,425 Tiff and Blair are perfect for each other. 529 00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:23,102 You don't know that, and I don't know that. 530 00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:24,718 Only they know that. 531 00:20:24,804 --> 00:20:26,434 Guys, it's really fucking simple. 532 00:20:26,512 --> 00:20:28,722 - Are you in love? - Yes. 533 00:20:28,804 --> 00:20:30,724 Are you in love? Hmm? 534 00:20:33,553 --> 00:20:36,103 - I-- - Hey, slut! 535 00:20:36,178 --> 00:20:37,678 You came! 536 00:20:37,762 --> 00:20:39,552 Sluts. 537 00:20:39,637 --> 00:20:41,677 Sorry we're late. We were pre-gaming at Bunny's 538 00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,472 with a new Bartles & Jaymes flavor. 539 00:20:43,553 --> 00:20:45,553 And long story short, we ralphed. 540 00:20:45,637 --> 00:20:46,637 It was a prototype! 541 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,300 And if we're being honest, 542 00:20:48,387 --> 00:20:50,137 after your whole engagement party fiasco, 543 00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:53,430 we just thought you might call the whole wedding off. 544 00:20:58,970 --> 00:21:01,640 Call off the wedding? Call off the wedding? 545 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,350 Call off--off the wedding? 546 00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:04,718 Call off the wedding? 547 00:21:04,804 --> 00:21:07,264 Okay, as if, slut! 548 00:21:07,345 --> 00:21:08,675 - That's so ghetto. - Oh, okay. 549 00:21:08,762 --> 00:21:10,762 Blair and I are stronger than ever, right, Blair? 550 00:21:10,845 --> 00:21:12,385 - Ooh! - Thank God! 551 00:21:12,470 --> 00:21:14,350 'Cause for a second there, I was like, "Ew." 552 00:21:14,428 --> 00:21:17,178 - Ew! - Now let's go to Danceteria! 553 00:21:17,261 --> 00:21:18,851 This place is so last weekend. 554 00:21:18,929 --> 00:21:19,969 They're letting anyone in. 555 00:21:20,053 --> 00:21:21,513 No offense. 556 00:21:21,595 --> 00:21:23,095 Are you trying to get Jap slapped? 557 00:21:23,178 --> 00:21:24,298 I will fucking knock this Barbie bitch's head 558 00:21:24,387 --> 00:21:25,927 off the fucking neck. 559 00:21:26,011 --> 00:21:27,511 Dawn, thank you so much for the talk. 560 00:21:27,595 --> 00:21:29,345 - Bye. - You made me realize that Blair 561 00:21:29,428 --> 00:21:31,048 and I are perfect for each other. 562 00:21:31,136 --> 00:21:32,216 Bye, Care Blair. 563 00:21:32,303 --> 00:21:34,393 Bye, guys. 564 00:21:34,470 --> 00:21:35,970 - Oh. - Wait for me, girls! 565 00:21:36,053 --> 00:21:37,893 Have fun, ladies! 566 00:21:40,136 --> 00:21:41,256 What was that bullshit? 567 00:21:41,345 --> 00:21:43,545 It wasn't bullshit. 568 00:21:46,428 --> 00:21:48,798 I got to go. 569 00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:53,760 - Okay, well, good night. 570 00:21:53,845 --> 00:21:56,095 Fuck you, Mo. 571 00:21:56,178 --> 00:21:58,258 Eh, pbbt! Chicks, right? 572 00:21:58,345 --> 00:22:00,255 - You know what we need to do? - I can't marry Tiff. 573 00:22:00,345 --> 00:22:03,045 What do you--what do you mean you can't marry Tiff? 574 00:22:03,136 --> 00:22:04,546 Of course you're gonna marry Tiff. 575 00:22:04,637 --> 00:22:06,047 - You're not the boss of me. - Technically... 576 00:22:06,136 --> 00:22:08,046 At work, yes, but Tiff is not work. 577 00:22:08,136 --> 00:22:09,846 I mean, yes, she can be very trying at times, 578 00:22:09,929 --> 00:22:12,049 but-but why are you so invested in my relationship? 579 00:22:12,136 --> 00:22:14,716 Because I am literally invested. 580 00:22:14,804 --> 00:22:16,054 What? 581 00:22:17,887 --> 00:22:19,597 Okay, I'm gonna confess something to you. 582 00:22:19,679 --> 00:22:21,299 I know. 583 00:22:21,387 --> 00:22:22,637 You fucked with the toothbrush in my desk. 584 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,720 But that is just a decoy, 585 00:22:24,804 --> 00:22:26,724 as is the toothbrush in the supply closet. 586 00:22:26,804 --> 00:22:29,184 - My real toothbrush-- - Is in a Ziploc bag 587 00:22:29,261 --> 00:22:31,511 in the bathroom in the ceiling tile, second stall. 588 00:22:31,595 --> 00:22:33,095 - Oh, dear God. - That's not the thing. 589 00:22:33,178 --> 00:22:35,388 Listen, Blair, I-- 590 00:22:36,929 --> 00:22:38,799 ♪ tense music ♪ 591 00:22:38,887 --> 00:22:41,257 Okay, when I said we were friends, 592 00:22:41,345 --> 00:22:44,295 that was real-- I meant that. 593 00:22:44,387 --> 00:22:47,797 But the truth is, I've been playing you, kid... 594 00:22:47,887 --> 00:22:49,547 from the beginning. 595 00:22:49,637 --> 00:22:52,637 The coke, the arrest, it was-- it was a con. 596 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,600 I was trying to make sure that you worked for me 597 00:22:54,679 --> 00:22:57,349 so that I could, you know, work on getting those sweet, sweet 598 00:22:57,428 --> 00:22:59,178 ungettable Georgina family shares, 599 00:22:59,261 --> 00:23:00,931 but that was before we were boys. 600 00:23:01,011 --> 00:23:03,141 Now just listen. Before you say anything, 601 00:23:03,220 --> 00:23:04,260 I want you to think, 'cause if there's one thing I know 602 00:23:04,345 --> 00:23:06,095 about you, it's that you're smart. 603 00:23:06,178 --> 00:23:09,508 Now, you just said that you cannot marry Tiff, right? 604 00:23:09,595 --> 00:23:12,345 So you're gonna break her heart anyway. 605 00:23:12,428 --> 00:23:15,548 I mean, why not give her the wedding of her dreams first? 606 00:23:15,637 --> 00:23:18,677 Let's run the Georgina play-- me and you, 607 00:23:18,762 --> 00:23:20,262 together, as a team. 608 00:23:20,345 --> 00:23:21,795 It makes sense. 609 00:23:21,887 --> 00:23:23,637 I mean, it makes more than cents. 610 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,680 It makes dollars. It makes tens of millions of dollars. 611 00:23:25,762 --> 00:23:27,642 For us. For two guys who were never 612 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,100 handed a fucking thing their whole goddamn lives. 613 00:23:33,470 --> 00:23:34,970 Let's do it. 614 00:23:35,053 --> 00:23:36,933 What do you say? 615 00:23:43,136 --> 00:23:45,346 Fuck you. 616 00:23:45,428 --> 00:23:46,848 I'm gonna tell Tiff everything. 617 00:23:46,929 --> 00:23:49,009 And, Maurice... 618 00:23:49,095 --> 00:23:50,965 I quit. 619 00:24:04,929 --> 00:24:06,799 Oh, hey. What's up, man? Good to see you. 620 00:24:08,887 --> 00:24:11,967 Oh, well, well, well. Welcome, welcome. 621 00:24:12,053 --> 00:24:13,803 Mm. Sorry I'm late. 622 00:24:13,887 --> 00:24:17,347 - I, uh, I got caught up. - Hey, hey, no problemo, Kiki! 623 00:24:17,428 --> 00:24:19,548 - Hey, um... 624 00:24:19,637 --> 00:24:21,927 - I, um... 625 00:24:22,011 --> 00:24:24,181 Can I-- can I give you something? 626 00:24:24,261 --> 00:24:26,511 - Uh, yes? - Okay. I'll--just hold on here. 627 00:24:26,595 --> 00:24:28,045 Okay. 628 00:24:28,136 --> 00:24:29,966 This, um, is very special to me. 629 00:24:30,053 --> 00:24:31,053 I want you... 630 00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:33,096 - Mm! - To have it. 631 00:24:33,178 --> 00:24:34,888 - Oh, here, just--okay. - What is happening? 632 00:24:34,970 --> 00:24:36,350 All right, yeah. 633 00:24:36,428 --> 00:24:40,258 Yeah! Here, take a look. Take a look. 634 00:24:40,345 --> 00:24:42,885 - Oh! - You like it? 635 00:24:42,970 --> 00:24:44,850 Yeah, I love it. 636 00:24:44,929 --> 00:24:48,139 I want you to know that no matter what goes down... 637 00:24:50,011 --> 00:24:53,801 - ...I will always love you. 638 00:24:53,887 --> 00:24:55,297 And you say I'm the dramatic one. 639 00:24:55,387 --> 00:24:56,177 - Well... - This is like a scene 640 00:24:56,261 --> 00:24:58,351 from "Steel Fagnolias." 641 00:24:58,428 --> 00:24:59,598 I would've said "Terms of Enqueerment." 642 00:24:59,679 --> 00:25:01,099 - How dare you? - Oh, come on. 643 00:25:01,178 --> 00:25:02,428 Oh, here, drink your juice, Shelby. 644 00:25:02,512 --> 00:25:03,802 Oh, okay, yeah. "Help my daughter." 645 00:25:03,887 --> 00:25:05,467 - Okay. - Oh! 646 00:25:05,553 --> 00:25:06,893 Bingo. 647 00:25:18,637 --> 00:25:21,177 Listen, Spence. 648 00:25:21,261 --> 00:25:24,011 - I'm sorry. - No, baby, I'm sorry. 649 00:25:24,095 --> 00:25:26,425 You know, I've been sitting here, annoyed 650 00:25:26,512 --> 00:25:28,512 that we missed a night together. 651 00:25:28,595 --> 00:25:30,845 But work's a big part of who you are, 652 00:25:30,929 --> 00:25:32,679 and I love who you are. 653 00:25:32,762 --> 00:25:36,892 And I'll take however much of you I can get. 654 00:25:36,970 --> 00:25:40,180 Hey, at least you made it back in time for the comet. 655 00:25:40,261 --> 00:25:42,851 I want a divorce. 656 00:25:42,929 --> 00:25:45,849 ♪ dramatic music ♪ 657 00:25:47,845 --> 00:25:50,045 What? 658 00:26:10,053 --> 00:26:11,973 - Tiff? 659 00:26:12,053 --> 00:26:14,263 - Oh, my God! Aah! - Tiff! 660 00:26:14,345 --> 00:26:17,005 Help me! Help me! Get your hands off me! 661 00:26:17,095 --> 00:26:18,545 Oh! Ah! 662 00:26:18,637 --> 00:26:20,887 Blair, call my dad! 663 00:26:20,970 --> 00:26:22,430 Tiff! 664 00:26:27,553 --> 00:26:30,433 ♪ dramatic percussive music ♪