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Previously on Black Monday...
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I came across some Georgina documents.
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Yeah, I think that maybe we purchased
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some Georgina shares
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- back in the day.
- Oh, my God!
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- Who the fuck are you?
- We're with the SEC.
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- We'll be in touch.
- We've had some threats,
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uh, with Tiffany,
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e-ever since Calvin Klein's
daughter was kidnapped.
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Mo and I dated a very long time ago.
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Mo! Damn it.
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So this is it? You're
gonna stay here with him?
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I tried everything to make
this work because I love you.
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Do you even want to get married?
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Those aren't cops.
They're fucking actors.
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Brendan books a pilot every year.
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Dawn, I'm really confused right now.
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_
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So no matter how drunk I get tonight,
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wake me up, because remember,
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we're meeting my folks
downtown at nine a.m.
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to look at that apartment
on the Upper West Side.
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And remind me, what's the difference
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between the Upper West
and the Upper East?
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My mom made up a mnemonic device
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for me as a kid.
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"Upper West, West, West
is best, best, best.
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Upper East, East, East is Jewish."
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Is Nair supposed to burn my
eyes from this distance?
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Yeah, baby.
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Tiff, you know, I've
been doing really well
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at work lately, and we could
afford a place on our own
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if we were willing just to move
a little bit more downtown.
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"Downtown is brown, brown, brown."
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Blair, every newlywed's parents
buy them an apartment. Duh.
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The only thing you should work on
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is letting yourself be happy.
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Everything's perfect.
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Is it? Because we still
haven't really talked
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about the engagement party.
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- What about?
- It was crappy.
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Well, you know what they say.
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"Crappy engagement, happy marriage."
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- No one says that.
- Well, I do.
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How about the fact that I...
didn't come home that night?
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I just assumed you were
busy with work junk,
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and if I assumed correctly,
cross your arms.
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Oh, perfect.
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I just think,
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in light of the last couple months,
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maybe we should think about...
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- ... postponing the wedding.
- No.
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There's that P word again.
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We were in The Times
Vows section, Blair,
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not the disavows section.
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We are getting married,
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we are getting a place
on the Upper West Side,
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and I am getting sozzled at my
goddamned bachelorette party
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wearing a goddamned penis crown.
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And if you agree with all that, blink.
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Oh, God.
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Perfect. I love you.
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Just a minute.
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Who is it?
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Oh, my God!
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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All those fair-weather
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Halley's Comet fans from last year
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don't know what they're missing.
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1987 is the year of the comet.
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There's gonna be 11 visible tonight.
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- Eleven!
- Ooh, is that a lot?
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Only the most since 1912.
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The only person I've seen more excited
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about burning rocks is Lawrence Taylor.
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- Who?
- He's a Giant.
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Crackhead.
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We all have our hobbies.
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Mine is astronomy. Yours is lying to me.
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All right, how about tonight,
we snuggle up on the couch
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with a bottle of wine
and watch your comets?
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And then maybe you won't
sleep on the couch anymore.
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I don't know if I'm ready for that.
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Babe, come on. I said some things.
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You said some things.
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But don't you miss these things?
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Let's "comet"
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to ending this fight.
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I love you.
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Oh, me too.
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Especially when you get
all astronomical with it.
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- Ooh.
- Super hot.
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It's a date.
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Okay, I'll pick up a bottle
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on my way back from Tiff's bachelorette.
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What? Are you serious?
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You think I want to go?
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I told you, the Georgina play
only works if they get married,
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and they're not in a great place.
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We are not in a great place!
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I worked too hard on this.
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And it's a lot of money, baby.
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Twenty minutes.
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I'm not even gonna stay for a drink.
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I promise.
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- Go.
- Thank you, thank you.
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Thank you!
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Wakey, wakey.
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Oh, there he is.
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- Surprise!
- What the fuck?
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Wha... in what world is it
okay to kidnap someone?
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Oh, people kidnap each
other all the time
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for these bachelor party joke things.
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You know, it's called "kidding-napping"
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- for a reason, Blair.
- No, it's not.
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And you used chloroform.
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- Well, that's the napping part.
- Who uses chloroform?
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Uh, Colonel John Hannibal Smith,
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Faceman, Howling Man Murdock...
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Now you're just listing the A-Team.
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- You changed my shirt?
- Blair, they used to...
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- What the fuck is this?
- ... chloroform Mr. T
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all the time, okay? He was
always fine afterward.
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Just because something works
on TV doesn't make it okay.
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Will you just try to have fun?
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- Chad, stop the car!
- Nope. Don't stop shit.
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Come on, Blair. We got a whole
night of surprises planned.
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You're just pissed off about
your engagement party,
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- but to be honest, you...
- I'm not pissed
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about the engagement party.
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I am pissed that you
never say "I'm sorry"
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for anything ever.
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Well, I'm sorry...
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that I have a policy about
never apologizing...
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to white people.
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Why? Because Sting won all
those Grammys over "Thriller"?
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Because of slavery, Blair. Slavery.
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Sorry.
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Man, I thought grabbing you
and going all grand gesture
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would make it up to you in
a two birds, one stone,
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three eight balls, four scores
of Scores girls kind of way.
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It doesn't even matter.
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I don't think I can marry Tiff anymore.
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You don't what?
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Thank you. Good night.
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Good ni... hey, why are we stopping?
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- What the fuck?
- Everyone out of the car!
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- Oh, God.
- Now!
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Another prank?
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Mo, I would've thought
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you would've learned your lesson,
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but, no, you got to double down.
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This isn't a fucking prank, kid.
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What are you, Thug One and Thug Two?
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"Oh, the places you'll go.
The things you will do!"
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Hey, open your mouth again, and
I'll shit up your ass, bitch.
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That sounds complicated.
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- Oh, I'll make it work.
- Oh.
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Hey, let's go Last Dragon
on these motherfuckers.
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Really?
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You son of a...
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Sweet. What's the next surprise?
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So first it was your anniversary.
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Then your daughter's birthday.
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- Then your son's quinceañera?
- Then your aunt died.
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- Then your uncle died.
- Then your car died.
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Then your wife dyed her
hair the wrong shade,
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so you had to rush her to the salon?
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How is that even an excuse?
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Well, what can I say? I'm a busy guy.
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I'm a busy, important,
law-abiding, super-cool guy,
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but I'm here now, so let's get
this ménage on the trois.
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- Keith, we don't want you.
- Oh, well.
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You don't know what you're
missing, 'cause I go downtown.
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We want Maurice Monroe
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for all the illegal shit the
Jammer Group's been up to,
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and you are gonna give him to us.
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And why the fuck would I do that?
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The SEC has taken down
exactly... uh, what is it?
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Oh, zero people?
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Okay, by the time you build a case,
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Reagan... hallowed be thy
name... will make it legal.
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00:07:15,050 --> 00:07:16,439
Well, we're about to change all that.
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We got an open-and-shut
case of stock manipulation.
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So either you cooperate, or
you're gonna go down with Mo.
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You want to go to prison, Keith?
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All right, what do you got?
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This? F.A.T.?
189
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That's all you got? Well,
uh, I hope you like
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your nothing burger with nothing on it,
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because this is nothing.
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Then how do you explain
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the highly abnormal
one-day trading pattern
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for Federal Allied Titanium
on October 20th of last year?
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00:08:00,370 --> 00:08:04,699
It was a prank. A fucking
goof. This is rich.
196
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:08,499
To think that we were afraid
of you two Columb-hos.
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Columbos, but with "ho."
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00:08:10,220 --> 00:08:11,540
- We get it.
- Bullshit.
199
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,279
Call MoStan, okay? Call Ty Daverman.
200
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,949
And he will set you two
chicks straight, okay?
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00:08:16,950 --> 00:08:19,140
- Speaking of straight...
- Deb.
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00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:21,700
You're gay.
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00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:24,360
No, I'm not.
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00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:26,380
You're gay, and we know it.
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00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,950
So why don't you have
a seat, Colum-homo?
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00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:42,360
Thought so.
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00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,740
Someone?
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00:08:49,770 --> 00:08:52,340
- Thank you.
- Dawn? Come on in! Hi!
209
00:08:52,350 --> 00:08:54,340
Hey, uh, sorry I'm super late.
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00:08:54,350 --> 00:08:56,540
Or am I super early? Why is no one here?
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00:08:56,550 --> 00:08:59,420
Let's drank. Waiter! Get
my girl some dranks!
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00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,259
- I'm so glad you came.
- Of course.
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00:09:01,260 --> 00:09:02,799
You know I had to come celebrate
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00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,339
the world's strongest couple.
215
00:09:04,340 --> 00:09:05,379
Well, second strongest
216
00:09:05,380 --> 00:09:08,119
behind Sylvester Stallone and
Brigitte Nielsen, right?
217
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,409
- Those two are yoked.
- You're hilarious.
218
00:09:11,410 --> 00:09:12,739
And you're gonna love my girlfriends.
219
00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:13,840
They're always joking around
220
00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:15,499
and running at least 52 minutes late.
221
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:18,579
I mean, this is, like, so them.
222
00:09:18,580 --> 00:09:20,409
Dickcessory?
223
00:09:20,410 --> 00:09:22,909
Oh, uh, actually, I'm good.
224
00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,700
You're dangerous. No,
I'm good, actually.
225
00:09:24,710 --> 00:09:26,839
No... no white dicks for
me after Labor Day.
226
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:28,620
- Oh! Boom! Again.
- No, it's...
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00:09:28,630 --> 00:09:30,780
Dawn Rickles.
228
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,619
You should charge a two-drink
minimum for yourself.
229
00:09:33,620 --> 00:09:35,919
Get my girl two drinks! Sit.
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00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,600
More piñas coladas, ma'am?
231
00:09:38,610 --> 00:09:40,040
Call me ma'am again.
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00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,790
I want you to.
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00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:45,579
And for you... miss?
234
00:09:45,580 --> 00:09:47,279
Um, I'm-I'm actually good.
235
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I just came to say a quick hello.
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00:09:48,290 --> 00:09:49,829
No, don't leave.
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00:09:49,830 --> 00:09:52,910
I mean, I just... I want you to hang,
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00:09:52,980 --> 00:09:54,759
'cause I really want to
get to know the woman
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00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,540
that stole my Care Blair away.
240
00:09:56,570 --> 00:09:59,839
Wait, Tiff, I-I don't know what
you think is going on, but...
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00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,199
I mean, just 'cause you're his boss
242
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,860
and you make him work late and stuff.
243
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,300
What did you think I meant?
244
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:09,619
That I am his boss and always
making him stay late, working.
245
00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:10,960
Can I have a Scotch?
246
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,999
Oh, this is so scary, Mo.
247
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,500
The car fire's a little
on the nose, though.
248
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,079
It's not a fucking prank, okay, Blair?
249
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,199
We're lost in goddamn Little Beirut.
250
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,960
And I lost a
quarter-of-a-million-dollar car.
251
00:10:21,970 --> 00:10:22,999
Oh, come on.
252
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,079
Okay, it's a quarter of a
quarter-of-a-million-dollar car.
253
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,179
It was mostly, you know, Fiero
254
00:10:26,180 --> 00:10:27,419
with a little Town Car thrown in there.
255
00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:29,740
- But still, it stings.
- No, I mean, "Come on,
256
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,219
I don't believe you."
257
00:10:31,220 --> 00:10:33,850
Look, no offense, but I'm just
gonna get a cab and go home.
258
00:10:33,860 --> 00:10:35,219
I got to figure out what
I'm doing with Tiff.
259
00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:36,760
You know, this is the second
time you've said this shit.
260
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,409
Figure what out? Spill it.
261
00:10:38,410 --> 00:10:40,839
I just feel like me and
Tiff, it's just not...
262
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,460
it just is not...
263
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:45,580
Wow. You thought of everything.
264
00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:47,579
The "cops" are here.
265
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,869
No, no, I didn't set this up.
We should go this way, man.
266
00:10:49,870 --> 00:10:51,499
- Let's go this way.
- No. No, no, no.
267
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:52,860
I'm gonna go talk to the fuzz.
268
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,249
- No, don't go talk to the...
- Yeah.
269
00:10:54,250 --> 00:10:55,829
... fucking fuzz! Hey!
270
00:10:55,830 --> 00:10:57,279
- Officers!
- Blair!
271
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:58,680
Officers!
272
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,879
Hi. I was just wondering
273
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,399
if either of you T.J.
Hooker extras had a chance
274
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,449
to try the canapés at
my engagement party
275
00:11:05,450 --> 00:11:07,019
before you fucking trashed the place.
276
00:11:07,020 --> 00:11:08,639
What? Who the fuck are you?
277
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:09,719
Mo!
278
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:11,599
Next time you call Central Casting,
279
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:12,779
you got to be specific.
280
00:11:12,780 --> 00:11:14,900
Don't just say "big." You
should've said "tough."
281
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:16,300
They sent the fucking Fat Boys.
282
00:11:16,310 --> 00:11:17,959
Please, do not shoot my dumb-ass friend.
283
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,540
Shut the fuck up!
284
00:11:19,550 --> 00:11:21,409
Come on, you got to try to
sell that punch better.
285
00:11:21,410 --> 00:11:22,659
Who'd you boost this
watch off, huh, bro?
286
00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:24,499
Listen, we're not gonna
say anything, okay?
287
00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:25,869
We didn't see anything! Just let us go!
288
00:11:25,870 --> 00:11:27,960
Okay, look...
289
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,399
- I'm tired.
- Blair.
290
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,869
I want to go home. What
are we supposed to say?
291
00:11:31,870 --> 00:11:34,619
"Time out" or "olly, olly, oxen free"?
292
00:11:34,620 --> 00:11:36,019
Fucking actors.
293
00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:37,879
- Oh!
- Shit, that felt real.
294
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,779
Whoa. It is real, you dumb fuck.
Point it at the dirty cops.
295
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:42,329
- Okay.
- Get-get on the ground.
296
00:11:42,330 --> 00:11:44,520
I'm just backing away. I'm sorry.
297
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:47,039
Sorry about this. Thank
you for your service!
298
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,099
Get back here! I'll fucking kill you!
299
00:11:50,950 --> 00:11:52,619
- Get the fuck back here!
- Get back here!
300
00:11:52,620 --> 00:11:54,909
Oh, shit.
301
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,039
Give us a case,
302
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,690
or we'll tell everyone
you're more flaming
303
00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:13,830
than Fire Island, which
works on two levels.
304
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,999
- Come on, Deb.
- We'll tell your wife.
305
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,539
We'll tell Mo.
306
00:12:17,540 --> 00:12:20,199
We'll tell your son.
307
00:12:23,790 --> 00:12:25,260
Okay.
308
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,779
Nice. Told you he'd be in.
309
00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:30,680
No, no, I meant "Okay, go for it."
310
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:34,080
Tell the world that I long for schlong.
311
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,199
Agent Fox isn't fucking joking.
312
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:39,679
I mean, there was a joke in
the way that she said it.
313
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,659
I'm not joking either, okay?
314
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:43,619
You know, God's a funny fuck, isn't He?
315
00:12:43,620 --> 00:12:45,579
Maybe this is the final
push I've needed, you know?
316
00:12:45,580 --> 00:12:47,040
I've been wanting to
tell my family forever,
317
00:12:47,050 --> 00:12:50,199
and Mo only cares that
I'm gay for money, so...
318
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,960
do it.
319
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:54,249
Now, if there aren't
any further questions,
320
00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:56,879
your ho-nors... that's "your
honors" but with "ho"...
321
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,289
- Not your best work.
- No, we, uh...
322
00:12:59,290 --> 00:13:00,859
we got another ace up our sleeves, so...
323
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:02,940
- Mm-hmm.
- We will be back.
324
00:13:02,980 --> 00:13:05,249
Time to break out the big guns.
325
00:13:07,790 --> 00:13:09,449
I'm telling you,
326
00:13:09,450 --> 00:13:11,620
every girl is caught
between a Jake and a Ted.
327
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,320
- Who?
- From Sixteen Candles.
328
00:13:13,330 --> 00:13:14,659
- I haven't seen it.
- What?
329
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:16,439
- No.
- No! You haven't seen it?
330
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:17,469
- Uh-uh.
- Okay.
331
00:13:17,470 --> 00:13:19,679
So Jake Ryan is this super-hot badass.
332
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:20,879
- Mm-hmm.
- And Ted is this dweeb.
333
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,289
- Oof.
- And I'm marrying a total Ted,
334
00:13:23,290 --> 00:13:26,329
which is crazy because all I'd
ever been with are Jakes.
335
00:13:26,330 --> 00:13:27,829
- Oh...
- I lost my virginity
336
00:13:27,830 --> 00:13:29,539
- to a real bad boy.
- Who?
337
00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:32,160
- Bill Laimbeer.
- Ah! The Piston?
338
00:13:32,170 --> 00:13:33,579
More like the noodle.
339
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,299
We went to theater camp together.
340
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:38,039
I hope he was a better actor back then.
341
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,909
- It's a basketball joke.
- Mm.
342
00:13:41,910 --> 00:13:43,439
'Cause...
343
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,240
Anyway, I hear you, honestly.
344
00:13:45,260 --> 00:13:47,249
You know, I was all Jakes,
345
00:13:47,250 --> 00:13:49,659
and then I married a real fucking Ted.
346
00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:50,829
I told you, I told you.
347
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,409
- Oh, God, Dawn.
- Hmm?
348
00:13:53,410 --> 00:13:55,409
Am I making a huge mistake?
349
00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:57,320
- No, no!
- Tell me.
350
00:13:57,330 --> 00:13:59,119
No, I promise you.
351
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,899
Blair... Blair's great.
352
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:03,840
Like, really great. Tiff,
you are a lucky girl.
353
00:14:03,850 --> 00:14:05,700
And you and I, we both know, you know,
354
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,340
bad boys are just bad.
355
00:14:07,350 --> 00:14:08,799
Yeah. Except Jake Ryan.
356
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:09,820
He had a heart of gold.
357
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,249
- Mm.
- When he found out
358
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,289
all Ted wanted was to
lose his virginity,
359
00:14:13,290 --> 00:14:16,240
Jake let him have sex with
his passed-out girlfriend.
360
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,479
- What the fuck?
- I know. Wow.
361
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,749
And that was in movie theaters?
362
00:14:21,750 --> 00:14:23,219
- Yeah.
- And white people were just
363
00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:24,940
like, "Cool"?
364
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,289
Oh, my God.
365
00:14:27,290 --> 00:14:29,519
I guess that is super fucked up.
366
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,289
Yeah, yeah.
367
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,159
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
368
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,119
What's happening? What's happening?
369
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,680
I'm pretty sure Blair tried to
call off the wedding tonight.
370
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:45,999
And it's gonna be super embarrassing,
371
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,699
but I think I'm gonna... just
gonna take him up on it.
372
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:52,020
- No. Why?
- 'Cause we're cursed.
373
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:53,740
We're cursed.
374
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:57,239
I-I... no, no. Just drink your penis.
375
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,119
It's gonna be okay. I promise.
376
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,159
What a fucking night, right?
377
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:02,439
- Oh!
- Oh, you handled that gun
378
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:03,960
- like a champ.
- Shit!
379
00:15:04,020 --> 00:15:05,850
Sorry, I thought it was fake, Mo.
380
00:15:05,860 --> 00:15:07,299
And I am sorry for kidnapping you,
381
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:08,520
but that was fresh.
382
00:15:08,550 --> 00:15:10,659
Yes!
383
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,789
Ooh! What a team, right?
384
00:15:12,790 --> 00:15:14,579
Brains and beauty, witty and pretty,
385
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,419
and, hey, you bring some
shit to the table, too, kid.
386
00:15:16,420 --> 00:15:20,179
Oh, my God, we're alive
in a stolen cop car.
387
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,829
- Yeah.
- We cheated death.
388
00:15:21,830 --> 00:15:24,659
- We fucking did.
- What do we do now?
389
00:15:24,660 --> 00:15:26,829
- Let's drink till we die!
- Yes!
390
00:15:26,830 --> 00:15:28,499
Hey, there's a spot right over here.
391
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:29,740
- All right.
- Okay.
392
00:15:32,370 --> 00:15:34,039
Who breaks up before their wedding
393
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,360
and still ends up happy together?
394
00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:38,619
Lots of people. Uh...
395
00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:41,019
yeah, O.J. Simpson and that
blonde girl he just married.
396
00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:42,360
- Yeah.
- Robert Wagner
397
00:15:42,370 --> 00:15:43,999
and Natalie Wood... I mean,
they married each other
398
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,329
twice and were so happy until...
399
00:15:46,330 --> 00:15:48,690
they drifted apart... literally.
400
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:51,539
And the engagement party
was such a disaster.
401
00:15:51,540 --> 00:15:53,399
Not to mention he was out all night
402
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:54,880
with some prostitute probably.
403
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,600
No, no, probably... not.
404
00:15:57,610 --> 00:15:58,829
I tried to talk to my minister,
405
00:15:58,830 --> 00:16:00,890
but I'm only an Operating Thetan IV,
406
00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:02,839
and he won't discuss it
until I go up the Bridge,
407
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,410
but that's, like, another 100 grand.
408
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:09,159
Trust me, Tiff. You are not cursed.
409
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,860
Yeah? Really?
410
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,699
Then how come no one showed up
411
00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:14,159
to my bachelorette party, Dawn?
412
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:16,719
Maybe they got caught
in the park and killed.
413
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,499
You're sweet.
414
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,249
But I think this is the final sign.
415
00:16:20,250 --> 00:16:21,899
- Check, please.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
416
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:24,449
Maybe it's a good thing your
fake-ass friends didn't show.
417
00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:26,869
- Why?
- Well, you've outgrown them.
418
00:16:26,870 --> 00:16:30,829
Okay? You have new,
sophisticated friends like me.
419
00:16:30,830 --> 00:16:33,579
Right? Now, who needs those skanks?
420
00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:35,199
All we need are drinks.
421
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,020
Haven't you ever fallen
out of love, Dawn?
422
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,949
You know, you keep holding on,
423
00:16:40,950 --> 00:16:43,659
hoping to get that feeling back, but...
424
00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:46,579
the tighter you grip it,
the further away it gets.
425
00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:48,319
And then one day you wake up,
426
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,659
and you're two totally different people
427
00:16:50,660 --> 00:16:54,419
and you wonder how you even got
together in the first place.
428
00:16:56,210 --> 00:16:58,289
Haven't you ever felt that, Dawn?
429
00:17:00,250 --> 00:17:03,249
No.
430
00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:07,120
I've never felt that.
431
00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:10,949
- We're like Miami Vice.
- Exactly.
432
00:17:10,950 --> 00:17:13,040
- Tiff? Dawn?
- Blair?
433
00:17:13,060 --> 00:17:14,659
Are you crying?
434
00:17:14,660 --> 00:17:16,200
Are you okay?
435
00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:19,219
I don't think so. What
are you doing here?
436
00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:21,329
Jesus Christ, this night
can't get any crazier.
437
00:17:21,330 --> 00:17:23,579
We almost got killed, okay? Twice.
438
00:17:23,580 --> 00:17:25,590
And then we come in here
randomly to get a drink,
439
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:26,609
and then you two are here.
440
00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:28,869
If this isn't a sign that these
two kids are soul mates,
441
00:17:28,870 --> 00:17:31,249
I don't know what is, right, Dawn?
442
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:33,619
- Right, Dawn?
- Uh, yeah. Sure.
443
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:36,239
Ye... "yeah, sure"? More
like "hell, yeah, sure."
444
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:37,520
Hey, waiter, listen,
445
00:17:37,540 --> 00:17:39,249
a bottle of your finest champagne
446
00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:40,619
will not cut it.
447
00:17:40,620 --> 00:17:42,079
We need four of those motherfuckers
448
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,500
and then tequila shots, 'cause
we're getting crazy tonight.
449
00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:47,540
Oh, man, can you believe
this coincidence?
450
00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:48,909
No.
451
00:17:48,910 --> 00:17:51,940
Ok... huh? No? Ah, wha...
452
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,289
Ugh, smug Chia Pet motherfucker.
453
00:17:55,290 --> 00:17:58,080
There's got to be something we missed.
454
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:01,119
The only other thing we found was this.
455
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,339
They've been buying up
Georgina Jeans like crazy.
456
00:18:03,340 --> 00:18:04,949
What? When I went through
their quarterlies,
457
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:06,579
they weren't holding
any major positions.
458
00:18:06,580 --> 00:18:08,380
They were up to 40%.
459
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,999
They must've gotten spooked
and sold it off or something.
460
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,700
Or they hid it to throw
off the Street...
461
00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:16,800
and us.
462
00:18:16,820 --> 00:18:18,160
Captain's log.
463
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,140
Captain Keith T. Shanker
reporting for duty.
464
00:18:21,180 --> 00:18:23,329
This planet is full of assholes, a...
465
00:18:23,330 --> 00:18:25,300
- Feet off the table.
- Fucking touch me again,
466
00:18:25,310 --> 00:18:27,369
- and I'll sue.
- So we know you don't care
467
00:18:27,370 --> 00:18:29,539
if we tell your son
about your boyfriend,
468
00:18:29,540 --> 00:18:31,339
but how would you feel
if we told your son
469
00:18:31,340 --> 00:18:33,379
and your boyfriend that
they're going to jail
470
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:34,619
for illegal share parking?
471
00:18:34,620 --> 00:18:36,560
You know, I think your son's
gonna have a really hard time
472
00:18:36,570 --> 00:18:39,099
getting into Brandeis with
that on his permanent record.
473
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:40,289
Believe me, Brad's
gonna have a hard time
474
00:18:40,290 --> 00:18:41,579
getting into any college.
475
00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:42,879
Well, I bet your boyfriend's gonna have
476
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,960
a real hard time in prison...
actually, he might like it.
477
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,039
Can we cool it with the
gay panic stuff, Deb?
478
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,920
- My cousin's a fairy.
- Bullshit.
479
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,289
I don't have any idea what
you're talking about.
480
00:18:53,290 --> 00:18:57,300
Liar, liar, jeans on fire.
481
00:18:57,830 --> 00:19:00,159
Nice. See? That was a good, clean one.
482
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,580
Thanks. How do you feel now, Keith?
483
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:05,920
Fuck me.
484
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:14,420
Okay. What do you need me to do?
485
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,749
Be honest, Mo. You didn't
know they were here?
486
00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:18,000
And, Dawn, you didn't tip them off
487
00:19:18,010 --> 00:19:19,540
- that I was getting cold feet?
- Wait a second.
488
00:19:19,550 --> 00:19:20,860
- Why do you have cold feet?
- You're getting cold feet?
489
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,680
- Because you are!
- I'm-I'm just confused.
490
00:19:23,740 --> 00:19:25,139
Don't you love me anymore?
491
00:19:25,140 --> 00:19:27,560
Yes, he loves you anymore.
This is insane, guys.
492
00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:29,249
Cold feet is normal. It's very normal.
493
00:19:29,250 --> 00:19:30,999
- Right, Dawn?
- Cold feet are normal.
494
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,659
- See that?
- But you got to listen
495
00:19:32,660 --> 00:19:33,660
- to your heart.
- I know.
496
00:19:33,661 --> 00:19:35,940
- What the fuck?
- Mo, shut up!
497
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,219
Listen, find the person
you want to be with
498
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:40,020
based on who they are,
not who they aren't.
499
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,839
Trust me, if you pick a Ted
just because a bunch of Jakes
500
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,869
broke your heart,
you're gonna be lonely.
501
00:19:45,870 --> 00:19:47,829
W-wait, wait, wait.
W-who's Ted and Jake?
502
00:19:47,830 --> 00:19:48,940
- Sixteen Candles.
- Sixteen Candles.
503
00:19:48,950 --> 00:19:50,479
That movie's fucked. Long Duk Dong?
504
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,199
Talk about a goddamn
minstrel show right there.
505
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,040
All right, the point is, if
you marry the wrong person,
506
00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:56,869
you will regret it every day.
507
00:19:56,870 --> 00:19:59,330
Well, just 'cause Dawn should've
married her bad boy...
508
00:19:59,340 --> 00:20:00,500
- This isn't about you.
- Oh.
509
00:20:00,510 --> 00:20:02,880
This isn't about Spencer.
This is about me.
510
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,419
This me. Tiffa-me.
511
00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:08,039
Well, you used "me" as a metaphor.
512
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,779
- No, I didn't.
- Uh, I'm pretty sure
513
00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:11,949
- that you did.
- How am I a Ted? I am a Jake.
514
00:20:11,950 --> 00:20:13,380
I've always reminded myself of a Jake.
515
00:20:13,390 --> 00:20:15,629
You're Ted tip to tush. T-E-D, Ted.
516
00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:16,639
You're a little Teddy bear.
517
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,519
Tiff and Blair are
perfect for each other.
518
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,119
You don't know that,
and I don't know that.
519
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:21,499
Only they know that.
520
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,440
Guys, it's really fucking simple.
521
00:20:23,460 --> 00:20:25,000
- Are you in love?
- Yes.
522
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,740
Are you in love? Hmm?
523
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,020
- I...
- Hey, slut!
524
00:20:33,060 --> 00:20:34,449
You came!
525
00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:36,329
Sluts.
526
00:20:36,330 --> 00:20:38,559
Sorry we're late. We were
pre-gaming at Bunny's
527
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,480
with a new Bartles & Jaymes flavor.
528
00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:42,329
And long story short, we ralphed.
529
00:20:42,330 --> 00:20:43,409
It was a prototype!
530
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:44,699
And if we're being honest,
531
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:46,909
after your whole
engagement party fiasco,
532
00:20:46,910 --> 00:20:48,990
we just thought you might
call the whole wedding off.
533
00:20:55,660 --> 00:20:58,409
Call off the wedding?
Call off the wedding?
534
00:20:58,410 --> 00:21:01,800
Call off... off the wedding?
Call off the wedding?
535
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,039
Okay, as if, slut!
536
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,099
- That's so ghetto.
- Oh, okay.
537
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:07,539
Blair and I are stronger
than ever, right, Blair?
538
00:21:07,540 --> 00:21:09,519
- Ooh!
- Thank God!
539
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:11,390
'Cause for a second
there, I was like, "Ew."
540
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,099
- Ew!
- Now let's go to Danceteria!
541
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,619
This place is so last weekend.
542
00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:17,000
They're letting anyone in.
543
00:21:17,020 --> 00:21:18,200
No offense.
544
00:21:18,290 --> 00:21:20,399
- Are you trying to get Jap slapped?
- I will fucking knock
545
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,640
this Barbie bitch's head
off the fucking neck.
546
00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:24,820
- Dawn, thank you so much for the talk.
- Bye.
547
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,119
You made me realize that Blair
548
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:27,829
and I are perfect for each other.
549
00:21:27,830 --> 00:21:29,179
Bye, Care Blair.
550
00:21:29,180 --> 00:21:31,060
Bye, guys.
551
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,940
- Oh.
- Wait for me, girls!
552
00:21:32,980 --> 00:21:34,840
Have fun, ladies!
553
00:21:36,830 --> 00:21:38,180
What was that bullshit?
554
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:39,940
It wasn't bullshit.
555
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,340
I got to go.
556
00:21:48,910 --> 00:21:50,539
Okay, well, good night.
557
00:21:50,540 --> 00:21:52,869
Fuck you, Mo.
558
00:21:52,870 --> 00:21:54,880
Eh, pbbt! Chicks, right?
559
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:56,980
- You know what we need to do?
- I can't marry Tiff.
560
00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,240
What do you... what do you
mean you can't marry Tiff?
561
00:22:00,260 --> 00:22:01,329
Of course you're gonna marry Tiff.
562
00:22:01,330 --> 00:22:02,829
- You're not the boss of me.
- Technically...
563
00:22:02,830 --> 00:22:05,079
At work, yes, but Tiff is not work.
564
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:06,739
I mean, yes, she can be
very trying at times,
565
00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:09,040
but-but why are you so
invested in my relationship?
566
00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:11,740
Because I am literally invested.
567
00:22:11,780 --> 00:22:12,829
What?
568
00:22:14,580 --> 00:22:16,980
Okay, I'm gonna confess
something to you.
569
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,079
I know.
570
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:19,900
You fucked with the
toothbrush in my desk.
571
00:22:19,910 --> 00:22:21,760
But that is just a decoy,
572
00:22:21,770 --> 00:22:23,920
as is the toothbrush
in the supply closet.
573
00:22:23,940 --> 00:22:25,949
- My real toothbrush...
- Is in a Ziploc bag
574
00:22:25,950 --> 00:22:28,199
in the bathroom in the
ceiling tile, second stall.
575
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,040
- Oh, dear God.
- That's not the thing.
576
00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:32,159
Listen, Blair, I...
577
00:22:35,580 --> 00:22:38,039
Okay, when I said we were friends,
578
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:41,319
that was real... I meant that.
579
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,580
But the truth is, I've
been playing you, kid...
580
00:22:44,620 --> 00:22:46,329
from the beginning.
581
00:22:46,330 --> 00:22:49,520
The coke, the arrest,
it was... it was a con.
582
00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:51,499
I was trying to make sure
that you worked for me
583
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:54,319
so that I could, you know, work
on getting those sweet, sweet
584
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,219
ungettable Georgina family shares,
585
00:22:56,220 --> 00:22:57,940
but that was before we were boys.
586
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,909
Now just listen. Before
you say anything,
587
00:22:59,910 --> 00:23:01,470
I want you to think, 'cause
if there's one thing I know
588
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:02,870
about you, it's that you're smart.
589
00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:06,380
Now, you just said that you
cannot marry Tiff, right?
590
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:09,159
So you're gonna break her heart anyway.
591
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:12,240
I mean, why not give her the
wedding of her dreams first?
592
00:23:12,330 --> 00:23:15,449
Let's run the Georgina
play... me and you,
593
00:23:15,450 --> 00:23:17,039
together, as a team.
594
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,579
It makes sense.
595
00:23:18,580 --> 00:23:20,279
I mean, it makes more than cents.
596
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,540
It makes dollars. It makes
tens of millions of dollars.
597
00:23:22,550 --> 00:23:24,409
For us. For two guys who were never
598
00:23:24,410 --> 00:23:26,869
handed a fucking thing
their whole goddamn lives.
599
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:31,240
Let's do it.
600
00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:33,700
What do you say?
601
00:23:39,830 --> 00:23:40,860
Fuck you.
602
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,619
I'm gonna tell Tiff everything.
603
00:23:43,620 --> 00:23:46,219
And, Maurice...
604
00:23:46,220 --> 00:23:47,780
I quit.
605
00:24:01,620 --> 00:24:03,659
Oh, hey. What's up,
man? Good to see you.
606
00:24:05,580 --> 00:24:08,840
Oh, well, well, well. Welcome, welcome.
607
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,830
Mm. Sorry I'm late.
608
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:14,119
- I, uh, I got caught up.
- Hey, hey, no problemo, Kiki!
609
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,329
Hey, um...
610
00:24:16,330 --> 00:24:18,699
I, um...
611
00:24:18,700 --> 00:24:20,949
Can I... can I give you something?
612
00:24:20,950 --> 00:24:23,440
- Uh, yes?
- Okay. I'll... just hold on here.
613
00:24:23,470 --> 00:24:24,480
Okay.
614
00:24:24,490 --> 00:24:27,000
This, um, is very special to me.
615
00:24:27,060 --> 00:24:28,600
- I want you...
- Mm!
616
00:24:28,660 --> 00:24:29,869
... to have it.
617
00:24:29,870 --> 00:24:31,659
- Oh, here, just... okay.
- What is happening?
618
00:24:31,660 --> 00:24:33,300
All right, yeah.
619
00:24:33,380 --> 00:24:37,039
Yeah! Here, take a look. Take a look.
620
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:39,659
- Oh!
- You like it?
621
00:24:39,660 --> 00:24:41,460
Yeah, I love it.
622
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:46,699
I want you to know that no
matter what goes down...
623
00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:50,579
... I will always love you.
624
00:24:50,580 --> 00:24:52,079
And you say I'm the dramatic one.
625
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:53,359
- Well...
- This is like a scene
626
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,119
from "Steel Fagnolias."
627
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:56,520
I would've said "Terms of Enqueerment."
628
00:24:56,550 --> 00:24:58,120
- How dare you?
- Oh, come on.
629
00:24:58,140 --> 00:24:59,199
Oh, here, drink your juice, Shelby.
630
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:00,819
Oh, okay, yeah. "Help my daughter."
631
00:25:00,820 --> 00:25:02,380
- Okay.
- Oh!
632
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:03,659
Bingo.
633
00:25:15,330 --> 00:25:17,949
Listen, Spence.
634
00:25:17,950 --> 00:25:20,789
- I'm sorry.
- No, baby, I'm sorry.
635
00:25:20,790 --> 00:25:23,199
You know, I've been
sitting here, annoyed
636
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,289
that we missed a night together.
637
00:25:25,290 --> 00:25:27,719
But work's a big part of who you are,
638
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,449
and I love who you are.
639
00:25:29,450 --> 00:25:33,600
And I'll take however
much of you I can get.
640
00:25:33,660 --> 00:25:36,949
Hey, at least you made it
back in time for the comet.
641
00:25:36,950 --> 00:25:39,720
I want a divorce.
642
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,040
What?
643
00:26:06,750 --> 00:26:08,940
Tiff?
644
00:26:08,950 --> 00:26:11,039
- Oh, my God! Aah!
- Tiff!
645
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,789
Help me! Help me! Get your hands off me!
646
00:26:13,790 --> 00:26:15,329
Oh! Ah!
647
00:26:15,330 --> 00:26:17,659
Blair, call my dad!
648
00:26:17,660 --> 00:26:19,199
Tiff!
649
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:29,440
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