MEN WITH GUNS YELL
ALL RECOIL
Bat seems to be working.
You know the name of this thing?
Galatasaray?
That's a football team.
It's probably Fenerbahce.
Also a football team.
Kebab? Enough!
Shut the fuck up.
Although, he's right,
she's called Kebab because I'm going to make kebab out of you.
Eating people is haram.
I'm not going to eat you. Just kill you.
Ah, that's OK.
No, it's not. Enough!
Now, let me choose. This is like The Walking Dead, innit?
Who dies in that? The Asian one.
Yes! And the white guy too.
Shit. And, brother, if it influences your decision here,
he's got ginger pubes like the guy in The Walking Dead, innit?
He definitely has, yeah. He has.
Why are you putting that out there? Snitch.
Which one of you has to go?
All right.
OK, gentlemen,
it's been a pleasure serving with you, brothers.
I'm ready.
We've all got to go some time.
See you in hell, lads
No diddy.
I ain't never loved a man like I love you, bro.
I love you too, man. I love you, man.
I love you boys from the bottom of my heart.
Shut...shut up.
This ain't a love triangle. It ain't a love triangle, mate.
Eenie, meenie, minie, mo,
which one of you has to go?
Ah, ah! You!
Mate. On your knees!
Is tarah nihen, Uncle, is tarah nihen.
You can't do this. No, no, no, no.
Not like this, Uncle Shadoo.
He's the oldest so it makes sense.
The fuck...? Shut up.
It has been a pleasure being your uncle and your tits.
And my tits...
Thank you.
My tits? What does that even mean?
Yaaa....!
SQUELCH!
HE SOBS
LAUGHTER
No-one can kill Shady, bastards.
Ithe ki ho riha, Uncle?!
Oh, he is not uncle.
He is the great Mohammed Shah Shaheed.
Who the fuck is that?
Or as we like to call him, General Fizzy.
General Who? What?
Lower your guns, my boys.
Me and General Fizzy had our fun.
Let me show you how we know each other.
What the fuck is happening? Yeah, let's show them bastards.
I'm done with you. Bastard, Uncle, bastard!
I'm General Fizzy.
All hail General Fizzy.
Attention - have a drink, be cool.
Mmm, fizzy.
Let's get fizzy, comrade.
Super-fizzy.
Crush your thirst.
Magic fizzy.
Fizzy party.
Go to war with your thirst.
GUNFIRE
Be cool, take a drink.
WOMAN: Portakal suyu! Susuzlugunuzu giderecek!
So, you mean to tell us you dragged us to a scrapyard at gunpoint
and gave us PTSD for bants?
What is bants?
Jokey times. Yeah!
Uncle just wanted to give you something to remember.
Fuck my gadha, but thank you so much.
You should be grateful.
It's a core memory.
He text me before you left the UK and we hatched a plan.
Why didn't you tell us you're a star in Turkey?
None of your business.
And you've followed us all over the city?
Bants?
I suppose you can say.
Wait, so you're like a big deal over here, Shady?
None of your business.
He is a legend.
General Fizzy and his commercial make
the revenues of my company Sondurmek go up by 800%.
Shabas.
So, how'd you become an actor?
Same way I shag your mum -
I just did it.
ALL: Ooft...
Ay-ay-ay-ay. Dayum.
Well, uh, this has been...
..absolutely terrible.
We've got places to be! No!
Tonight, my company throws a banquet to honour General Fizzy
and you must all attend.
HE CHUCKLES
ALL RELAX: Oh, that was good.
That was so good.
Attend!
Or I will kill you all.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, this guy, he got me again.
I can't read these, man. Neither can I.
What the fuck is happening, bro?
Anyway, thank you, brother... This is not bants.
You are coming to fucking the banquet.
Well, boys, I guess we're going to fucking the banquet.
OK, let's. OK? Let's all go and fuck the banquet together.
Chalo. Let's go.
Good bants!
See you at the banquet, boys!
Who's going to get us now?
# Time keeps on slipping
# Into the future
# Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping... #
Oh, hey, hey.
HORN BEEPS
WAKING: Ah!
Oi, oi. Do you know who it is?
This can't be. It is. It can't be.
It's Turkish Uncle Shady!
Lads, lads, suru kari e!
ALL: Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
MUSIC: Ante Up by MOP
What, is this the place? Yes.
Mobeenis, remember you have to answer the phone call
at seven, right?
But first, we will have great party inside! Let's go!
Let's go, Uncle. Whoo!
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the man himself.
Please welcome...General Fizzy!
Let's get this party started, bastards.
MUSIC: Party Up by DMX
# Y'all gon make me lose my mind
# Up in here, up in here
# Y'all gon make me go all out
# Up in here, up in here
# Y'all gon make me act a fool
# Up in here, up in here
# Y'all gon make me lose my cool
# Up in here, up in here
# If I gots to bring it to you cowards, then it's gonna be quick
# All your mans that been to jail before, suck my...
# And all them other cats you run with, get done with, dumb quick
# How the...you gon cross the dog on some bum...?
# There go the gun click, 911...
# All over some dumb... ain't that some...?
# It remind me of a strip club
# Cos every time you come around, it's like, what?
# I just gotta get my...sucked
# And I don't know who the...you think you talking to
# But I'm not him, a'ight, Slim? So watch what you do
# Or you gon find yourself buried next to someone else... #
Oi! Stop it! Give it to me!
Bastard! No, no, bastard, no!
Give it to me.
He's my Mobeen.
No, bas, bas...
HE MUMBLES
Bira, look at me. Ki ho i a?
Be 100% honest. OK.
What's wrong with me? Hey!
Don't say that, man. What's wrong with you?
No, no, seriously, I can't win in life, I can't win with girls.
Bira, don't say that.
There's...there's loads of good things about you.
Like what?
See.
Your mum's a very hospitable woman.
HE MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY
Hey, hey, oi, oi...!
You be strong, strong.
Huh? Be strong, bro, OK? Say it with me now.
Inshallah, I'm going to get a wife.
Strong!
WHISPERS: Inshallah, I'm going to get a wife.
There you go, you never know what's round the corner.
Come. Dance with me.
Ja o, na? Huh?
Ja o!
Oi! Dry your hands. Dry your hands.
Miracles do happen.
Thank you, Allah.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
It's the best thing we've ever done. Ever. I know.
Chai Boyz! Yeah.
What are we doing here?
What is it, man? I was loving it in there.
I was having the time of my life. Yes!
Can you lot shut up a minute?
I just got the drop on Khan's address
but it's a long-arse way away from here.
We have to go now.
Oh, yeah, we need to go. Oh, bira, don't say that.
I just met the love of my life!
Brother, you will get another Tyson Fury-sized Turkish wife,
say Inshallah. Inshallah. There you go.
What about Shady? If we take him away from his people right now,
we're going to cause a riot in here.
I've got a plan, it's going to help us avoid that geezer
with the baseball bat, the mad one, OK? Yeah.
Are we ready for this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know why we came here in the first place.
Chalo, let's go. Yeah, let's go, let's go.
Bismillah, Uncle, let's go.
Sorry, sorry.
Pardon, pardon, pardon.
Who in here would like a free selfie with General Fizzy?
CHEERING
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, it's not free.
400 lira if you want a selfie.
It's 400 lira.
It's not free.
But I will take my shirt off if you want bare chest for 1,000 lira.
Go, go, go!
MUSIC: Hate It Or Love It by The Game ft 50 Cent
# Yeah, let's take 'em back
# Uh-huh
# Coming up, I was confused, my mommy kissing a girl
# Confusion occurs coming up in the cold world
# Daddy ain't around, probably out committing felonies
# My favourite rapper used to sing, "Check, check out my melody"
# I wanna live good so, shit, I sell dope
# For a four-finger ring, one of them gold ropes
# Nana told me if I passed, I'd get a sheepskin coat
# If I can move a few packs, I'd get the hat, now that'd be dope
# Tossed and turned in my sleep that night
# Woke up the next morning, ...had stole my bike
# Different day, same shit, ain't nothing good in the hood
# I'd run away from this bitch and never come back if I could
# Hate it or love it, the underdog's on top
# And I'm gon shine, homie, until my heart stop
# Go 'head and envy me, I'll be rap's MVP
# And I ain't going nowhere, so you can get to know me
# Hate it or love it, the underdog's on top
# And I'm gon shine, homie, until my heart stop
# Go 'head and envy me, I'll be rap's MVP... #
Oh, shit.
Climbing these gates, yeah? If you can reach it.
You'll fit through the little railings.
Yeah, very funny, bhaina cuda.
Mobeenis...
..I just wanted to say this has been so fun, so good for me.
I really like you, man, wallah.
Hey, me too, wallah.
You too, Uncle. Bana dokunma, bastard.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Uh, Mobeenis, one more thing. Yes, brother?
You still owe me money for haircut - don't forget.
God, we are about to die. Can you just let it go?
Well, that why I mention it now.
You have money on you?
There you go.
50p short? Shame on you.
You do know this is a trap, don't you, Mobes Def?
He's took your sister to get you here so he can kill you.
Yeah, and don't forget you have to kill Khan.
That hadn't slipped my mind, big boy.
So, what's the plan? You told me you had a plan.
You've definitely got a plan, right? Plan kiya?
If you've dragged us all here without a plan,
you've absolutely done us.
He does have a plan.
Kill Khan.
No-one's killing Khan!
I've said it 50 times, I'm not going to kill Khan, OK? Yeah?
But remember, you kill Khan or Hakan kills you.
Shit, I might have to kill Khan. No way!
That's the best that you could do? Are you joking?
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER English bastards! English bastards!
Listen! What is the plan?
Here's my plan.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Very nice to meet you.
No, she's not your friend.
Well, gentlemen.
Of all the wankers in the world, Mobes, why this one, why? I know.
Nice to see you too, Nate.
Delivering this bowl of cookie dough to my dad will
prove my way of doing things is the right way.
And, by the way, Hakan?
He's been dealt with.
He's gone to the big kebab shop in the sky.
That's a bit racist. What?
No!
So sorry for your loss, bro.
No, it's not that -
he owed me a tenner! Oh, my God. Kanjos.
Are you going to get us in his house, then, or what?
Ahem.
BUZZER RINGS
It's Nida.
What do you need?
Nothing. It's NIDA.
We don't need anything, thank you.
You NEED to open the door!
SHE KICKS GATE
It's your boss' daughter.
MECHANISM WHIRS
Shit, does he need a new intercom?
Ah, Mobeen.
Welcome to Istanbul.
Welcome to my kingdom.
How does he get up this incline? He's old as shit.
Mobeen.
Don't worry about it.
Assalam Alaikum, beta. Wa Alaikum Assala.
Come on.
This would do me and Mum nice.
So, I've delivered Mobeen. Now what?
Better late than never.
So, guys, everything OK?
Yeah, not...not too bad, I guess. Not too bad, thanks. Hmm?
My cheeks got clapped three times in half an hour.
Bas, please, bas.
Where's my sister?
Burak!
Hey.
OK? I'm OK. Are you? I'm good.
Good, cause when we get out of here,
I'm going to kill you.
You knew he was a mad kuta and you never said a bloody word.
You could have just had this chat on WhatsApp, you know?
Shut up, Saj. Shut up.
Dad, what's going on here?
So, Mobeen,
what was your plan when you got here?
I was, I was going to, um...
You see, you could still save your sister.
You just have to do one more thing for me.
Dad.
Shh-shh.
Come on. Follow me.
I want to show you something.
All of you.
This is all his house?
It's a park!
That's where I burn people, you know? Ha-ha!
Yeah, barbecue time. Ho-ho!
Go on, then. Why am I going first?
Shit, Mobeen.
Ahmed, get everybody out.
Sit.
Sit down!
KHAN LAUGHS
No, no, no, joking, get up.
NERVOUS LAUGHTER
You see Mobeen, Small Heath,
Sharjah, Istanbul,
the organisation is an international one now.
Mubarak. Thank you.
Now, if you'll indulge me for a moment,
I'd like to tell you all a little story.
It's about a man who came to Small Heath, oh,
a long time ago, with nothing.
Sounding like a shit story.
Shut the fuck up!
Sorry, Uncle Jee.
I'm talking!
Sorry, man, chill.
This man worked in a factory.
He was the only Pakistani there, and one day, all his friends
decided to have a party at one of their social clubs.
Together, they moved the furniture.
Together, they had lunch.
Together, they had fun.
But when it came to the time of the party,
his friends looked at him and said two words -
go home.
Bastards!
Allah di kasam, that is sad.
Yeah.
So, this man changed his path.
He made a lot of money and he put some of that money into the
lives of the people that mattered to him most - the community.
He funded hospital wings, schools, housing projects.
You see, Mobeen, you can chuck your morals in the river
but still achieve something.
You can do good things with bad money.
But with no money, can't do anything.
I agree, Dad.
Now, shall I kill this piece of shit? Ah...!
Every time, try to kill me! What? Relax.
Putting a bullet in him gets rid of another headache for us.
Jerry's gone, Hakan's gone, it's just us ruling the ends again now.
I mean, why don't we just kill all of them?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Put the gun down.
You have made enough fucking mistakes recently.
Why am I never enough?
Enough for what?
I can do this. Do what?
I can be you.
Me?
HE LAUGHS
This is because I'm a woman, right?
It's nothing to do with you being a woman.
She's a woman, she can do it!
You're right, I could. Cause your daughter -
shit gangster. ALL Ooh...!
Shut the fuck up.
You couldn't even save your nephew.
And you couldn't save your cousin.
And that's your fault. Oh, so now we're going to have
a row about this? Dad, why do you always do...?
Hey there, guys. Um, sorry to interrupt,
but it appears that you guys have something to work through together
as a family, so, you two take time and, uh, we'll see you later.
Don't even think about it. Get the fuck back here.
All of you, you fucking idiots, get back.
You see... You still don't get it, do you?
You see, to be a leader,
you have to...
..you have to like people.
You need charisma, like him.
What?
I have something for you, Mobeen.
Even when you were a child, I knew.
I knew you were somebody who could be trusted.
This is a gift of trust.
You see, you need to start from the bottom.
You know, even after you were stabbed and betrayed,
you saved the life of the person that means the most...
..by travelling around the world.
This is what a leader looks like.
You're choosing him?
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm, mm.
Do you want to change your mind?
Ooh...
HE MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY
I will do it.
Nida, have some sharm, bas.
That's it.
Go on.
Don't push me. Go on.
LOUD BANG
ALL COUGH
She dead. Mmm.
MUSIC: The One And Only by Snoop Dogg
All hail for General Fizzy.
Oh, shit.
Everybody is dead, bastard.
Very, very dead, bastards.
Oh, oh, oh.
All hail Uncle Bhenchod Shady.
Oi, you, come here.
You OK?
Shit, man, we had a terrible life.
I'm so sorry for your life, OK?
MUSIC: On Me by Sainte
# See the lads been chilling in the T
# Run it, run it
# Yeah, the week day dragging, the food's been slapping
# The packs stay stacking, the cats keep catting
# Late night grind get the money all steep
# Yeah, I need that
# Yeah, the coupe broke down, gotta book me a ride
# That will get me back sides, cos I'm falling off time
# Gotta bell up my slime, get back to the Gs... #
Shit...!
Big Mobeen, I want a car like that.
You don't want a car like that. Yeah, I do, your life is sick.
No, my life is not sick.
You know whose life you want?
That weird old uncle? Oi!
If you only you man knew.
Hey, stay out the mud, kid, yeah?
Can I have £300? For what?
My mate was supposed to buy a laptop
but they gave him a dead cat in a bag.
I still can't believe he didn't check inside.
Listen, when you go to the shop to buy a can of Coke,
you don't check to see if it's got coke in it do you?
Exactly.
Stay out of trouble, yeah?
What you saying, bro? Same old. You OK, yeah? Good.
Oh, you!
How are ya? Good.
My brother. What you saying? You OK?
What's next then, Mobes?
We've got a lot to discuss.
Well, we're just getting started, innit?
I've said this since day one,
I can't escape this life.
But a strong king of the jungle is always good for the ends.
And if it weren't me, it'd be some next man.
At least this way, I can use this bad money to try
and do some good things.
We'll see you around some time.
MUSIC: Bewafa (Nikli Hai Tu) by CJ