Hey, Zainab. Salams.
Salams.
Uh, have you seen the sheikh around anywhere?
I, um... No, he's not here.
‐ What do you want? ‐ I‐‐I just
I gotta talk to him.
I haven't seen him for, like‐‐I don't know,
I think it's been 22 days.
He is not here, okay?
He is out there trying to get new investors.
Ever since everything happened with your friend Dennis,
we lost our biggest donor.
Um.
Yeah, I'm‐‐ I'm sorry about that.
I‐‐is there anything that I could do to help?
Your helping doesn't have the greatest track record.
Yeah.
Well, I‐‐I'm sure your dad will figure it out.
I mean, he's super convincing.
The problem is convincing him to take money.
He was so skeptical of this guy,
and it took me forever to get him to agree,
and now that he's dropped out, my dad's saying,
"Oh, it was always meant to be."
Maybe‐‐maybe it was meant to be.
No, he doesn't get the business side of things.
Now I gotta drive all the way to freakin' Connecticut
and try to convince this Emirati guy
to keep his investment.
Let‐‐let me come with you.
Uh, seriously, I‐‐I can tell him that it was all my fault
and that Dennis was my friend...
Look, thanks, Ramy. And it had nothing to do
with you guys. Thanks for your offer,
but I got this.
Look, I can talk to him in Arabic.
You probably need someone to‐‐to‐‐to translate.
And you speak it fluently?
Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Like, I know these Emirati dudes.
They need someone to come in there and just, like,
throw down some Arabic, be super confident about it.
Ramy... La'a.
That's "no" in Arabic, right?
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
I'll do the talking. You just translate.
Hold on a second, bro.
Are you telling me you're gonna be alone
with the sheikh's daughter?
Does the Sheikh Ali know about this?
He doesn't, but if I can help make this happen,
then I'll get right with the sheikh
and it'll fix everything.
Astaghfirullah.
If you mess this up,
it's really over for you and the sheikh.
This is a highly sensitive situation, okay?
No physical touch, no hugging, no handshake, nothing.
Just get in the back seat, matter of fact.
What? Okay, Ramy, you don't have
to sit in the back seat.
Honey, Mo's right.
You don't know how Ramy is with women.
Look, man, before you hit the road,
read the du'a on traveling with someone
out loud so she can hear that
so she can see what kind of man you really are.
And what kind of man is that exactly?
I haven't figured that out yet.
Uh‐huh.
Ramy, don't listen to these guys
and pretend to be somebody that you're not.
This is the sheikh's daughter.
I'm sure she's used to people putting up a front around her.
Be yourself and focus on what's important.
You have the chance to help the center.
That's huge. MO: Look, man.
When you get in the car, just take over the Bluetooth, okay?
Play some Quran. Put you in the right place.
Play some Abd El Basset.
No, man, I'm talking about some new age shit.
Al‐Rashid. You ever heard of him?
Bro, he's, like, one of the illest reciters in the game.
So you're saying he's better than Abd El Basset?
Have you heard him recite surah An-nur?
Bars!
Okay, obviously the whole Quran is bars, okay?
I'm talking about you sleeping
on Al‐Rashid specifically, okay?
I'm talking about some real
lo‐fi, underground recitation, man.
I'm talking about just a whole new flavor.
Sorta reminds me of when Avicii dropped.
What's with the dog?
Oh, um, yeah.
I gotta kinda, like, bring her with me wherever I go.
Arabs hate dogs, Ramy.
This is gonna look like a sign of disrespect.
No, no, that's‐‐that's a‐‐ a huge stereotype about us.
Seriously, like, I'm surprised
that you would believe something like that.
I'm sure you've faced prejudices
towards, you know, your community.
So to think that‐‐ Okay. All right, all right.
I thought maybe I could just hook up
to the Bluetooth before we go.
Um, there's this, oh man,
really dope Quran reciter, Al‐Rashid.
He's on SoundCloud,
and I thought maybe we'd just kind of
jam out to that on the way
so we‐‐we kinda have all the vibes.
You have a favorite Quran reciter on SoundCloud?
Yeah. Yeah.
It's, like, a pretty vibrant community.
Let's just, uh, drive in silence, okay?
Is that cool?
Yeah. No, silence is
that's vibrant too.
As-salamu alaykum.
Wa alaykumu s-salam.
What'd he‐‐what'd he say?
What? Um, um, it's kinda hard to hear, but...
He said to open the trunk.
In Arabic, he's saying, "Open the trunk."
What'd he say? Um
it was a little‐‐ it was a little staticky,
- different dialect. - This dog,
it has shots? Vaccinated?
Yeah. Neutered?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, it's an NDA form. Yeah, I‐‐I got that.
Give it to me.
Say something nice to me.
What?
Something. Anything encouraging.
Uh, yeah, just, you don't‐‐ don't be nervous.
Let's, um...
Let's just do it, you know?
Just‐‐just do it? You're quoting Nike?
Uh, that's not theirs.
Uh, that's for‐‐ that's for everybody.
As-salamu alaykum!
Alaikum salaam.
As-salamu alaykum.
As-salamu alaykum!
Let's just go in.
As-salamu alaykum.
As-salamu alaykum!
What'd he‐‐what'd he say?
Uh, I think he said something about, like, a tiger,
or a‐‐a bir
the bathroom or... You're a great translator.
'C‐‐'cause I speak Egyptian‐Arabic.
It's a different dialect.
As-salamu alaykum.
Alaikum salaam.
Was that Mia Khalifa?
Who?
She's a famous, uh, actor.
He's met a lot of famous people.
That's me and my tiger, Brent.
He's on vacation right now, visiting his sister.
Mr. Bin Khaled, my name is Zainab.
My father is Sheikh Malik,
and I've been trying to get in touch with you
for the past month.
Yes.
Yes, my assistant told me you've been calling.
Uh, if you're here to get my donation back,
it's out of the question.
Mr. Bin Khaled,
our center is an opportunity
for you to really make a difference.
My father can lead an entire community with your support.
The blessings you would receive, the rewards,
this‐‐this could be your ticket to heaven...
Sir.
This dog is special.
Uh, thank you, sir.
Oh.
Magnificent.
This is no ordinary pit bull.
She looks to be part wolf.
Uh, we're‐‐we're not sure the breed, actually.
She's a rescue.
Like I‐‐I actually rescued her.
She has a name? RAMY: Boomer.
Boomer.
Boom, boom.
Want me to pray this one for you, sir, or you got this?
Yes.
Meet me, mashallah.
Cool.
Join me, brother.
Uh, Boomer can wait here.
I would like to join for prayer as well.
The women's prayer area is down the hall.
Oh, could she come with us?
It‐‐it's‐‐it's okay.
Just convince him, Ramy.
Boomer, sit. Sit.
Stay.
He's calibrating for changes in the Earth's axis
to make sure he's praying precisely to Mecca.
This man is an amazing prayer,
extremely gifted.
He'll do your prayers too.
Is‐‐is that halal?
Trust me, this man was chosen.
He's the LeBron James of praying.
Allahu Akbar.
You recognized Sister Khalifa.
Yeah, I did.
How do you know her?
I met her in my quest to conquer sexuality.
I found myself viewing her videos at an alarming rate.
I needed to stop.
I, uh, I actually have had similar problems,
and the sheikh has been really helpful.
And I feel like if you talk to him
about your problems, it‐‐it would be amazing.
I already figured it out.
I found myself sexually fascinated with Mia's breasts,
but I wondered if I could create
a new relationship with them,
if I could view her breasts differently.
I discovered an old Islamic hadith,
somewhat debated, that states,
"If a person drinks the breast milk of a woman,
"they establish lineage.
They become family."
It was used with women who took in orphan boys
to ensure there'd be no fornication.
Uh‐huh...
So... I reached out to Mia.
I told her about my addiction.
I found her to be a fascinating and compassionate human being.
She wanted to help me.
So we induced lactation, a difficult process,
but we procured the milk I needed.
And I knew
that if I drank her breast milk,
my body would understand.
I cannot jerk off to my own mother.
Yeah, that‐‐that‐‐that's a really good point.
Um...
Would you like a sip?
Is‐‐is that her
I'm sure your sheikh would encourage you
to do anything to stop your deviant behavior.
Are you truly committed to your faith?
Would you do anything to get better?
Mm.
Excellent. RAMY: Uh...
Now... tell me more about your dog.
Uh, you know what?
I'm actually‐‐ I'm gonna go check on her,
and maybe I'll get some water.
Fountain, habibi.
I'll finish our prayers.
Is this your dog? She's so cute!
Yeah, she is.
Um, Mr. Bin Khaled just told me that you guys are friends.
He told you about the breast milk?
Uh, yeah. He‐‐he mentioned something.
When he first asked me, I was disgusted,
but then I understood his intentions.
He just wanted to stop looking at my porn.
Every time he did, he felt shame around it,
and I get that.
So do I.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Plus I owed him a favor.
He got ISIS to leave me alone, so...
ISIS was after you?
I'm not allowed back in Lebanon.
I was banned from the Middle East,
which is crazy
'cause they're the ones who watch my videos the most.
Statistically,
Muslim countries consume more porn than anyone else.
I didn't‐‐I didn't know that.
I thought the Wi‐Fi was, like, slower.
The men who are yelling at me
are the same men who are clicking on me.
Have you clicked on me?
Um... I...
Come.
Mia. Ah, I see you've met Brother.
I just realized
I don't even know your name.
Uh, Ramy.
Ramy?
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Subhanallah. Ramy?
Man, have I got a surprise for you.
Okay.
Get the cart.
I pride myself on being able to tame the untamable.
I've collected lions, tigers, bears,
white people.
White people?
I own a few in Minnesota.
I collect all these things,
and I've exerted my dominance over all of them
as a testament to my strength.
But
I wanted to open up a new chapter in my life
and give in to the only one who could dominate me:
God.
Yeah, of course, Mr. Bin Khaled‐‐.
Yes, and I chose to do that
by donating to this Sufi center
because I felt it was the woke thing to do.
My brothers, they told me not to.
They warned me.
They said, "He's black."
"Get yourself an Arab sheikh and
buy him off to say whatever you want him to."
But I refused.
I wanted a man I could trust to say whatever needed to be said,
and I thought I'd found him.
But then this whole fiasco happened,
and now I'm thinking
my brothers were right all along.
I don't need this kind of heat.
A violent mosque?
It's a bad look. It's dangerous.
Mr. Bin Khaled, why don't you stop by the center,
see it for yourself?
Yeah, because‐‐ look, Mr. Bin Khaled, look.
This guy, you know, he came,
and no one could've known
what would've happened with him, you know?
He‐‐he had PTSD and, uh, that's not our fault.
If anything, that's, like, a foreign policy thing.
You know, I know you know a lot of people.
Maybe, like, Dick Cheney or something.
That's‐‐that's who you should be mad at.
Uh, so what‐‐ what is this exactly?
This is your surprise... Ramy.
Your name.
In Arabic, it means "archer."
You must know this. Yeah, yeah. No, I know that.
Ah, so you must show me your skills!
Oh, my skills. Oh, uh...
You're the rami.
Yeah, yeah, uh, but, sir,
I‐‐I actually have never really fired a bow and arrow before.
I mean, I‐‐I know it's my name, but I...
That's crazy.
That's like if your name was Snowboarder
and you'd never snowboarded before.
You must admit that would be rather odd.
Yeah. Yeah, probably.
I wonder if being named Ramy
makes you a naturally good rami?
This is actually a fascinating experiment.
I wonder if it's in your blood to be great?
What do you think, Kalim?
Is it in his blood to be great?
I don't know, sir.
What should I think?
Kalim, I think you think
that it would be in the hands of God.
- Yes, I think that. - Yes.
If God truly wants me to help your mosque,
then surely he will allow you to live up to your name.
Uh
I'm sorry, you‐‐ you want me to‐‐to‐‐to shoot?
Exactly!
Here's the deal.
You hit that target, you get the money.
You miss,
I get your dog.
What? She's truly fascinating.
If I were white, I would let her kiss me.
Yeah, no. I'm sorry.
You can't have Boomer, so...
What if I just gave you the cash straight up?
Money for the dog.
Uh, Mr. Bin Khaled, Boomer's not for sale.
I'm sorry. Ramy...
Every creature has its price, Ramy.
I sold one of my own brothers three years ago.
Wallahi. He's in Yemen right now.
If Mr. Bin Khaled loves the dog,
don't you think it would be a good idea if she stays here?
I mean, like, there's room for her to play,
and you could come visit.
I promised your dad.
She has to be with me at all times, all right?
She can't leave me. Okay, look, look.
I‐‐I‐‐I understand.
I appreciate that you want to keep your promise,
but we need this.
This would fix everything.
No. I‐‐I‐‐no.
Well, then back to the original deal.
You want the money, you make the shot.
You miss, I get the dog.
How about I give you a practice shot,
then you decide?
Just take out that arrow.
That's it.
Oh!
Wow! Wow!
Great! Well done!
Living up to your name.
Yeah!
I can't wait to see if you hit it.
Yeah, I just hit it.
Yes. That was the practice shot.
Now make the real shot.
No, but I‐‐I just hit the‐‐the target.
On the practice.
It wouldn't have counted had you missed, right?
Wow.
I am really excited to see what happens next.
Um...
Okay. Uh, all right.
I'll just‐‐ I'll just do it again.
Oh...
H‐‐h‐‐how did‐‐ how did you miss that bad?
Yeah, I don't know what happened there.
Kalim, collect the dog.
Yes. No, no. No, no, no.
I'm not giving you the dog, okay?
We're asking you to use your money for something real,
something that could actually help people
instead of using all this fuckin' oil money on bullshit.
Real original, Ramy.
We're not all oil men, okay?
That's a disgusting stereotype.
I was one of the first investors in Match.com.
Yes, some of my money is also oil money,
but also, a lot of it is love money.
Don't be so prejudiced.
Mr. Bin Khaled, look.
Donating to the center would change an entire community.
You could be getting your ticket to heaven, right?
Come on.
I'm your brother.
I drank the milk.
Kalim, how much were we supposed to give them?
Two. 200 million?
- No, no. Just 2 million. - Oh.
Well, that's fine.
Do it, Kalim.
Okay.
My brother. My brother.
My ticket to heaven.
Ramy, you have a way with words, habibi.
That's exactly what Zainab said earlier.
Mr. Bin Khaled, we really appreciate...
This dog respects you. It recognizes your power.
That's why I wanted her so badly,
but
I'll give you your practice shot.
Shukran.
Come, Kalim.
It's your fault we're here in the first place,
but
thank you, Ramy.
I‐‐I just repeated what you were saying.
That guy didn't listen to anything that you said.
I think he respects dogs more than black women.
I mean, I told you that that stereotype
about dogs isn't true‐‐.
But my dad was wrong.
Wh‐‐what do you mean? I mean
I knew this was gonna work out,
and he said no,
and sometimes sheikhs are wrong,
and it is nice.
Yeah, but he‐‐he‐‐he usually is right, yeah?
Okay, yeah.
Yeah. I‐‐I just miss him.
But thank you for giving me a chance to help
after, you know, everything.
I can tell you have the right intentions, Ramy.
The center means a lot to me, you know?
It's a place where people can come to Islam as they are,
and I knew that's what you wanted for Dennis.
So...
Yeah.
Thank you, Boomer.
Thank you so much for your help.
No. No. Hey, no.
She wanted to sell you.
No, no, no.
Seriously, she was gonna fuckin' sell you‐‐.
Don't listen to‐‐ Hey, she was.
No, no, no. She was.
No. You come here. Come here. Don't listen...
No, she was. She was. Don't listen.
Um...
As-salamu alaykum, Ramy.
Uh, wa alaykumu s-salam.
It's‐‐it's really good to see you.
I... I‐‐I missed you.
Hmm.
Thank you for
helping us secure the funds.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Of course. Uh
are‐‐are you okay?
I was very clear with Zainab not to approach.
Prince Abdula under any circumstances,
but she‐‐she just gets these ideas in her head,
and she's...
She's so determined.
It seems now she's, uh, set her sights on you.
Uh, on me? Mm‐hmm.
She has expressed an interest
in exploring the idea of, um...
Marriage
with you.
Marrying me?
Wait, she‐‐me?
That was my
my reaction too.
I was... a little surprised,
and, um, it seems that she admires something about you.
You know, something about your
your‐‐your resolve.
She really loves the way you love the dog.
Well, I, uh,
I‐‐I didn't know that she liked me like that.
To be clear
she'd like to explore the idea of liking you.
Zainab does things the proper way.
Well, um, have you, um
have you told her everything that you know about me?
I've prayed on this. I've prayed, and
um.
As a sheikh,
I have a duty to protect the secrets of my students.
But as a father,
I'd like my daughter to know everything.
So I have a bit of a dilemma.
And I've decided that what would be best
would be if you told my daughter
about your sexual exploits
if you decide to proceed.
And you think I should proceed?
Ramy, I'm gonna tell you what my teacher told me
a long time ago in all her wisdom.
I don't know.
Uh, your teacher said, "I don't know"?
Yes.
I don't know.
At times, there's a conflict of interest
between being a father and a sheikh.
Yeah, no, I‐‐I get that.
It's, like, uh
like when LeBron had to be nice to China.
You know, like, usually he, like,
is really politically active,
but he couldn't say anything 'cause of "Space Jam."
As your sheikh, I will always try to be
be patient and understand, um,
that we all make mistakes, and to
always look at you with compassion and‐‐and love.
I will always try to exhibit
the compassion of the Holy Prophet,
peace be upon Him.
But as Zainab's father
I warn you
do not desecrate my daughter.
Do we understand?
Yeah, we‐‐we understand.
Good. Inshallah, so...
Inshallah.