-[Harley grunts] -[thunder rumbles]
[Harley grunting]
[Bethany grunts]
Give him up.
I'll never betray the man I love.
Even after he disgraced your family?
-[Bethany grunting] -On a podcast!
[both grunting]
He shot my friend.
Now tell me where he is.
[spits] I'm an ER Nurse.
You'll have to kill me, bitch.
-I was hoping you'd say that. -[metal clangs]
[thunder rumbling]
Get out of our house, clown.
You don't wanna do this.
Try me.
[grunts and snarls]
Uh, fuck.
Bravo! Threatening children.
It's certainly a new color of heroism for the Bat family.
I'm not in the Bat family anymore.
[theme music playing]
Hope my favorite patient's hungry.
-[sighs] -Three pillows?
Come on, LeAnne.
-That is some shabby service. -[Barbara growls]
I said I'd call you when I'm discharged.
I thought maybe your phone was stolen.
Medical facilities are infamous for electronics theft.
I asked for space to adjust to being paralyzed from the waist down
and you keep filling my room with casseroles.
Who do you think washes all these?
I assume LeAnne. Not like she's doing anything else.
Dude, I only have four minutes before shift change
to hack into the billing system.
So, thanks for stopping by.
I think she's on her period.
Oh, Fates, release your grasp.
Take me instead.
When I find the monster responsible for shooting my Babsy,
these old tuna cans are going to tear him limb from limb,
eat the very flesh from his bones,
then make a soothing broth with his carcass
to use as a base in stews.
Then I'm going to learn how to make a stew.
Look, I totally feel you, and I wish I could help,
but I'm taking some me time away from hero-ing.
My first time was in the back of my mom's station wagon.
I did it with 20 other people.
I was the only woman.
Mine was on my wedding night.
My husband's still mad.
But you never forget your first corporate takedown.
To Ivy.
-Aw, thanks. -[applauding]
But, you know, it still feels very unresolved.
Like... Like, nothing's changed.
Change?
Honey, we're trying to get paid.
On to more pressing topics,
-Lex's birthday party on the moon. -[crowd cheers]
You... Lex as in Lex Luthor or...
He's turning 40 for the 16th time.
Guys, we just cheers-ed to me defeating him.
Last year, he rode in on the back of the JFK car
in Jackie's pink suit.
It was so funny.
[all laughing]
Wait, wait, wait. With Lex gone,
we now have the ability to create something new.
Like a... Like an all-female LOD.
We could really do some socially conscious evil.
Right?
Aw, you were serious about that?
That's why I took the job. To make real change.
Ivy, you know how it works.
We win, we lose, we go to parties.
It's business. Don't make it so personal.
Now, in honor of your big day,
which of these sad, flaccid businessmen
do you wanna throw spoiled fruit at?
-[fruit splatters] -[camera shutters clicking]
[Joker grunts] Ugh, oh.
Is this because I lied about killing Nightwing?
See, I had to shoot Batgirl to make up for it.
Now my comeback's double squashed.
I have 1,000 "Joker shot Batgirl" T-shirts sitting at the printer.
I'm going to lose my deposit.
-Order up. -[animals screeching]
[snarling and growling]
Oh, Harley. Come on.
We both know this is not how I die.
Right, this is gonna be too quick with hyenas.
-I'm gonna lose the meat juice. -[Joker grunting]
[shouting and spitting]
How many times must we do this dance?
No, no, no. I'm just debating the perfect way to kill you
that won't offend my friend who hates killing.
I know killer's block when I see it.
How'd you like me to hook jumper cables up to your 'nads?
Jumper cables?
You've seen too many shitty A24 horror movies.
-You're allergic to peanuts, right? -[Joker] Shellfish.
If you were bad, you would have done it by now.
And if you were good, I'd be in jail.
So which is it, Harley?
Are you good or bad? [chuckling]
Maybe I'm neither. Maybe I'm in the middle.
You know who's in the middle?
Normies. Uggos.
That forgettable drip I send my itemized receipts to.
You want vengeance?
-Come at me, dawg. -[cell phone beeps]
[hyenas growl]
Oh, my business goddess needs me.
Damn. How did she even get the camera to that angle?
[laughs] Another stall.
Wait. Can I get some trail mix?
My blood sugar is crashing.
[groans]
-[slurps] -[camera shutter clicks]
[Poison Ivy] Fucking, what the dick?
All these one-percenters and butlers of one-percenters
wouldn't know accountability if it stopped up their golden shitters.
Are we not still happy that you took Lex down?
I mean, it's never enough for you moguls. You're insatiable.
[sighs] I didn't take him down.
He just basically relocated to the moon.
Oh, oh. You know what makes me feel better when I can't destroy my enemies?
Dry humping in the closet.
What are these bags?
They're from the EWBC lunches. Ugh!
Those business tote-cunts.
[Harley reading]
Is that a typo?
You know what? I have an idea.
Wanna be my plus-one to a birthday party on the moon?
[gasps] Do I have time to shave my legs?
Fuck it, yes! Rip out Lex's fillers
and show everyone I am a very decisive revenger,
not a staller.
So, you... Wait, you haven't killed Joker yet?
I'm so sorry to make your thing my thing.
Boss Bitch Level Infinity.
Okay, this one's kind of cute.
No, I know. Let's bring it.
[indistinct conversation]
The mother box.
My favorite means of intergalactic travel and body part. Wink.
Harls, focus.
I can't wait to see those EWBC turncoats' faces
when I fucking destroy that little birthday boy.
Ivy? Oh, you've come to your senses.
Yep. That's what I've done.
And you brought your hag. Wonderful.
Talia al Ghul.
We've met countless times.
Smells like... [sniffs]
-...corporate espionage and Gotham Lady Perfume. -[creature chuckles]
[chuckles] Are we at Lex's b-day party?
You're not a guest. You're luggage.
Everyone knows if you don't kill a hostage in the first 24 days,
it's never gonna happen. [chuckles]
[both grunting]
Ooh, good to see you, girl. [laughs]
I just had my ass done
and if I pop a stitch, I'm out of pocket for touch-ups.
Love your leash. [giggles]
Did you copy it from me?
Oh. Ooh, Harley, come join the plus-ones.
[Harley] Ooh,
playing a little five-card stud with your wives' purse money?
[chuckling] Well, we do like to stir up trouble
while our ladies talk shop.
You know, being an evil She-EO's plus-one is harder than it looks.
Can't wear socks with loafers anymore.
Hmm. That must be a challenge for those of you with feminine ankles.
[laughs] Wit. You are funny.
We have been looking for a funny plus-one.
[both laughing]
Any of you cucks know where I can take a wiz?
Girlfriend, no.
Guests of guests aren't allowed to use Lex's bathrooms.
You'll need to go next door, which requires finding a valet,
and then take a moon buggy, and then--
Yeah, I'll figure it out.
Thanks.
So, now that you've proven to be sound of mind,
I'd love to let you in on my plans
-for Lazaru and the Hot Springs. -[Veronica grunts]
We're taking anti-aging science to the brink of legality.
Edging with the legal system is my love language.
Cheers!
Still waiting on that trail mix.
I'll take baby pretzels at this point, Jesus.
You're lucky I don't feed you to the dark void of space.
[button beeping]
Ugh, no ladies room on the moon.
Fucking figures.
[man groans]
[grunting]
Help me. Harley!
-[gasps] -[groans]
-Superman? -[camera shutter clicks]
No. No photos.
Okay. Do you know where the bathroom is?
Quick! That button turns off the kryptonite force field.
Uh... I don't wanna get involved.
What? What about the hero code?
Okay, I am a neutral third party these days, hello!
Here for the free drinks and mingling.
Oh, and, of course, to support my bae killing Lex
due to their business, but also personal strifes, you know.
She won't be able to defeat Lex. [groans]
He's become too powerful.
Where's that over the hill hosebeast?
[emcee] Welcome!
Our gracious host, Lex Luthor, has planned a night of treats for his 40th.
We've got poppers, crypto scratch-offs,
and now, a performance by Clayface.
I planned to join in person,
but those monsters at moon customs denied
my emotional support capybara.
[clears throat]
[singing] ♪ Happy birth... ♪
-'Tis I! SuperLex Man. -[guests clamoring]
[cheering]
Okay.
He used the ozone laser to block the sun until I was weak enough.
I'm the most powerful man alive.
Then he took me prisoner,
took my cape, drained my powers...
...absorbed him physically and mentally.
...and worst of all,
-he has my hair! -I have his hair.
Oh, fuck. Ivy!
Hey, what about me? [thuds]
♪ Happy Birthday ♪
-♪ To you ♪ -Ivy, how big of you to come.
Sadly, the caterers didn't plan for crashers.
Oh, I'm not here to eat.
I'm here to kill you and then wear your skin as a trophy.
[dog yelps]
[grunts]
[both growling]
-[Lex grunts] -[all exclaiming] Oh!
How does it feel to be less powerful than me in every way?
[scoffs] You have always underestimated me.
[grunts]
I think I estimated you accurately.
-Some light compliments, a gorgeous PR team... -[Poison Ivy grunts]
-...and you became a perfectly ineffective puppet... -Ah!
-[grunts] -...to warm my seat at the LOD while I built this.
[grunts] Oh, I... I... I'll show you who's a puppet.
-[Lex grunts] -[all gasp]
[both grunting]
This is why I don't do private gigs.
I should have learned my lesson at Cher's Easter brunch.
[Veronica] I saw Tony Robbins do this in Miami.
Then he ate my gooch on the sundeck for three hours.
[grunts] Ugh!
Oh, you think this is a party trick?
Wake up! Don't you see how dangerous he is?
Fighting Lex at his own party?
Such a bad look.
Powerful businesswomen take an L and move on.
I thought you would understand that from my mentoring.
Lose my number and my real number.
Screw this. I don't need friends.
I... I'm a powerful businesswoman.
[grunts]
Lady trees, socially conscious evil, splashy words.
But ultimately, you accomplish nothing.
[laughs]
Nobody pins Ivy in the corner.
[grunts]
-[all cheering] -[Harley yelps]
[Poison Ivy grunts]
I get better workouts digesting dairy.
[Harley and Poison Ivy scream]
[laughing]
[all cheering and laughing]
This is so embarrassing.
I just feel like nobody... [sighs]
Nobody takes me seriously.
It... It's almost like you can't change the system from the inside.
We both tried and look what happened.
Wow, you really went through it with the plus-ones, huh?
I actually meant the Bat family.
Screw those narcs.
I mean, you work so hard.
I was basically the Bat family's hot stepmom no one trusted.
Well, that's bullshit.
And by the way, you'd be the hottest stepmom.
Plus, you and I both know it's the kids you can't trust.
I wonder if Princess Ladyfingers still exists,
since, you know, we stopped the apocalypse,
and, like, changed the whole course of history.
We did do that, didn't we?
You know what? Fuck it.
We are so powerful.
Even if none of these assholes can see it,
we're gonna show them anyway.
Oh, I miss seeing that destructive glimmer in your eye.
[gasps] Let's do this!
For our daughter, who may or may not exist
and may or may not try to kill us.
But wait, what are we doing?
We're gonna make the world a better place.
Now, let's go find that dumb ozone laser.
[gasps and squeals]
[moans]
[funky instrumental music playing]
[Jeffrey groans]
-Gotcha, bitch. Gotcha, bitch. -[all cheering]
[laughing]
Jeffrey, you are a trip.
It's funny 'cause I don't even eat cake.
-Seriously, someone take this-- -[motor revving]
[both grunt]
Every woman in STEM knows
that lasers have three functions.
The task they're designed for, removing hair follicles,
and blowing shit the fuck up.
-And that's the function we'll be using. -[cell phone beeps]
Ugh, God, Batgirl will be so great at this
breaking into the laser thing.
She loves codes and typing and shit.
Too bad she's mad at me.
-[yelps] -Shit.
All right. Lex is following us. Call Batgirl.
No, no, no. Listen.
-She needs to focus on her recovery, okay? -[grunts]
-Besides, I can't feed into this computer obsession. -[grunts]
She might become one of those people
who gets addicted to her online life,
and then forgets to eat anything but salt and vinegar chips
-and dies of scurvy. -[grunts]
[engine revving]
[grunts]
[tires screeching]
Fucking call her, Harls.
-Fine. Ugh! -[grunts]
-[cell phone buzzes] -[line connects]
[on phone] It's me, Harley. Don't hang up.
I'm sure you're busy eating powdered applesauce glaring at LeAnne, but--
Stop treating me like a victim.
I get enough from my dad, my doctors,
the old lady who comes in here and thinks I'm her dead husband.
Uh... Didn't know you felt that way. But, uh, yeah.
-I'm calling you for serious world saving help. -[grunts]
Ivy's here. You're on speakerphone.
-[cell phone squeaks] -Hi, Ivy.
Hi. Um, so can you, like, hack into a moon buggy?
Easy. Hit me with the model number.
-[Poison Ivy grunts] -[Harley yelps]
It's printed above the left bumper.
[Poison Ivy] M as in motherfucker,
B as in bitch,
dash, 0, 5, 6, 7.
[Harley] And, listen. Take it slow. If you can't do it--
I'm in.
My buggy's busted.
[Batgirl on intercom] The destination has been rerouted.
[both cheer and laugh]
[grunting]
[screaming]
[grunting]
I demand to talk to whoever's in charge.
Perhaps your male superior?
This is a one-woman operation, asshole.
Batgirl did it! We're in.
What... What are you doing?
[Poison Ivy] Mowing down tech, oil, and cosmetic pharmaceutical companies
in the name of socially conscious evil.
Oh, I love the plan, very emotionally cool, obvs,
but maybe first, let's evacuate the buildings, huh?
I mean, do we really have to, or...
I just remotely pulled all the fire alarms in Gotham.
Okay, now you're just showing off.
Who we gonna blow up first, hot stuff?
Let's rain fire on EWBC!
[Harley squeals]
Veronica Cale's company, boom!
Talia's Wayne shit, boom!
That overpriced oyster place that isn't even good, boom!
What the zuck?
[man mumbles inaudibly]
What the fuck?
[upbeat music playing]
-[Batgirl on speaker] Evacuate the building immediately. -[capybara screeches]
[Clayface] Drats! Bankrupt again.
-Curse you, White Collar Wine. -[crowd clamoring]
[dubstep music playing]
The world needs Batman again. [snaps fingers]
Do it. Call Judge Chase.
Tell him his stepdaughter got an internship at WayneTone Records.
[lawyer on phone] I'll have you out by lunch.
I love when we're in sync like this.
Yeah, like back in '53,
when Dizzy Gillespie horned it up with Charles Mingus.
Turn that thing off. You're gonna break the moon.
[grunting]
Yeah, and for my motherfucking encore,
the Legion of Kaboom!
What? Ivy, are you sure?
What about everything you've built?
I didn't build anything, Harls.
I was just part of the problem.
[crowd screaming]
[Batgirl on speaker] Evacuate the building immediately.
So do we work from home now? Or...
Gotcha, bitch.
Hey, this is kind of weird for me to say,
but your occasional willingness to help people
even while blowing the shit out of them is inspiring to me.
Like, tote bag level-inspiring.
Aw, thanks, Ive.
But it's a real pain in the ass being in the middle.
Baby, you're not in the middle.
You're on the outside.
And that's what I love about you. I mean,
it's your... It's your superpower.
[explosion]
-[grunts] -[device charging]
Steppenwolf! You came?
No RSVP, no problem.
The caterers planned for crashers.
[Poison Ivy] Thanks, Steppy.
No, wait!
-I thought we were business bros. -[device beeps]
We gotta get out of here.
[Jeffrey screeches]
-Oh, shit. Hold my leash. -[Joker grunts]
What... What happened? You forget your purse?
You gonna tell all the hoes in the Justice League a normie saved you?
I always knew you were a hero.
I'm better than a hero.
I'm Harley fucking Quinn.
I started a Fortune 500 company just to commit a crime
worthy enough to land me in Blackgate.
The food is good, but not that good.
Oh. [chuckles] No.
While I'm intrigued to dine at Dominique Crenn's commissary pop-up,
-I actually did it all to be reunited with... [gasps] -[door beeps]
Master Bruce.
Hey, Alfred. Got my own ride. Thanks.
-I'll see you at the Manor. -[reporters clamoring]
[groans]
Oh, shitstick. Did I forget my own birthday again?
What?
-You and me are gonna have some fun... -[Joker yelps]
...A24 horror movie style.
My daughter turned me on to those films.
I don't get them, but I do understand
what jumper cables can do to a man's 'nads.
Someone just shoot me already.
Or at least take me to the printers to pick up my T-shirts.
[heroic music playing]
-[moon rumbling] -[rustling]
God, longest pee ever.
I just had to pay my respects to the GOAT. [exhales]
Hey, so what's next for a couple of outsiders like us?
I don't know.
But, we're gonna do it together.
Right, peanut?
[both moaning]
Wow, that is messed up.
Oh, come on.
My hands weren't even in her pants yet.
I was talking about the moon.
Thanks for your help up there, by the way. You did good.
I wouldn't be here without you, you little nerd.
Well, I'm glad you called me.
It felt good to do something that matters with people I care about.
Even if you did end up blowing up half of Gotham with a laser, you B.
Fuck the rules.
F the rules indeed,
That's why I can't stay in the Bat family.
I quit, too.
Shit, yeah, dog!
Wait.
So is that why you called us out here to the cemetery in the middle of the night?
I thought you guys invited me here.
Mm, sorry for the late-night theatrics, ladies.
Oh, wow. I mean, hey. [chuckles] It's you.
There you are. Where you been, girl?
[grunts and thuds] Yikes.
I'm all right. I'm good.
I... I am standing on a casket, which is, you know, not awesome.
But I was just doing a little light grave robbing
when I stumbled on some missing booty I thought my interest you.
Someone dug up Nightwing.
And they left the custom casket?
[whispering] That was very expensive.
Selina, I'm sorry. Are you looking out for us?
Aren't you supposed to be on some art heist in Monaco?
Maybe the call of the Gotham City sirens was just too seductive.
Pinch my fucking nips!
The Gotham City Sirens is a good nickname for us.
Well, I... I don't know if it's, like, better than the Cobb squad,
-but, yeah, you know... -[all mumbling and disagreeing]
Um, what about the birds of prey?
-No. -I'm not a bird, you know what I mean?
-There's no flying, really. -None of us are even bird-themed.
Well, that settles what's next.
The Gotham City Sirens are gonna find out who stole Nightwing.
I mean, we'll obviously take the weekend off.
What's the worst thing that can happen?
He's already dead.
[Harley, Poison Ivy and Catwoman laugh]
[Batgirl] It's not that funny.
[bell dings]
Now, Damian, don't be alarmed.
Your friend will be a little different, but better.
[Nightwing groans]
Where the fuck is Harley Quinn?
[Talia chuckles]
[theme music playing]