1 00:00:23,059 --> 00:00:24,593 Lotta shit happened this season, people. 2 00:00:24,593 --> 00:00:25,800 Lotta shit. 3 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,251 So much shit, I'm compelled to recap that shit for you. 4 00:00:28,251 --> 00:00:30,291 Also, I tested very well as a character, 5 00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:31,861 so the producer would like to shoehorn me 6 00:00:31,861 --> 00:00:33,234 into the show whenever possible. 7 00:00:33,965 --> 00:00:35,232 Okay. Oh, man. 8 00:00:35,232 --> 00:00:36,933 This season's been compellin' as fuck. 9 00:00:36,935 --> 00:00:38,201 Lots of twists and turns. 10 00:00:38,268 --> 00:00:40,271 Cable ACE Award-winnin' stuff. 11 00:00:40,338 --> 00:00:41,338 When we last left off, 12 00:00:41,405 --> 00:00:43,741 that tiny rat bastard, Dr. Psycho, 13 00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:44,804 had betrayed Harley. 14 00:00:44,804 --> 00:00:46,530 Turns out, that tricky motherfucker 15 00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:48,229 was in cahoots with the Riddler. 16 00:00:48,229 --> 00:00:50,014 And, with the help of some bullshit technology 17 00:00:50,014 --> 00:00:51,348 straight out of a comic book, 18 00:00:51,415 --> 00:00:53,850 they now control a army of blood-sucking parademons, 19 00:00:53,917 --> 00:00:56,088 courtesy of Darkseid. 20 00:00:56,088 --> 00:00:57,255 Dark-side? I don't know how to pronounce that shit. 21 00:00:57,255 --> 00:00:59,256 So, now, the only way Harley can stop Psycho 22 00:00:59,258 --> 00:01:00,692 is with the help of the Justice League. 23 00:01:00,759 --> 00:01:02,393 [gulps] But wouldn't you fucking know, 24 00:01:02,393 --> 00:01:04,629 they're trapped in the Queen of Fables' storybook. 25 00:01:04,695 --> 00:01:06,296 Remember that shit from Season 1? 26 00:01:06,364 --> 00:01:07,965 Look at how intricately woven 27 00:01:07,965 --> 00:01:09,233 this storytellin' shit is. 28 00:01:09,299 --> 00:01:11,402 Peabody Award-level shit here. 29 00:01:11,468 --> 00:01:13,004 Further complicating matters is, 30 00:01:13,069 --> 00:01:15,406 the only motherfucker who knows where that book is, 31 00:01:15,472 --> 00:01:16,540 -is the Joker. -[coughs] 32 00:01:16,542 --> 00:01:18,343 But, that dude's a khaki-wearin' amnesiac, 33 00:01:18,409 --> 00:01:19,677 who's somehow whiter now 34 00:01:19,743 --> 00:01:21,945 than when he was the color of paint primer. 35 00:01:22,013 --> 00:01:23,280 And now, our heroine, 36 00:01:23,281 --> 00:01:24,314 Ms. Harley Quinn, 37 00:01:24,316 --> 00:01:25,850 has gone against her better judgement, 38 00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:27,718 and has dumped the Joker back into acid 39 00:01:27,719 --> 00:01:29,387 to jog that motherfucker's memory, 40 00:01:29,453 --> 00:01:30,954 so he can find the storybook, 41 00:01:31,022 --> 00:01:32,189 free the Justice League, 42 00:01:32,256 --> 00:01:34,158 and take down Psycho and his fuckin' army. 43 00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:35,224 [whoops] 44 00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:36,927 This is some George R.R. Martin, 45 00:01:36,927 --> 00:01:38,228 Emmy Award-winnin' shit. 46 00:01:38,230 --> 00:01:39,462 Now, get yourself some popcorn, 47 00:01:39,463 --> 00:01:40,564 and let's watch. 48 00:01:40,632 --> 00:01:44,682 [suspenseful music playing] 49 00:01:50,207 --> 00:01:52,757 [gurgling softly] 50 00:01:57,981 --> 00:01:59,331 [hissing] 51 00:02:03,421 --> 00:02:06,570 [laughing maniacally] 52 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,163 [groaning] 53 00:02:12,229 --> 00:02:13,497 [Harley grunting] 54 00:02:15,332 --> 00:02:17,001 [shouting] Where's the fucking book? 55 00:02:17,534 --> 00:02:19,770 [theme music playing] 56 00:02:21,972 --> 00:02:23,675 [Dr. Psycho laughing] 57 00:02:23,741 --> 00:02:27,711 Begin the taking of Gotham City! 58 00:02:28,312 --> 00:02:30,046 [ominous music playing] 59 00:02:30,848 --> 00:02:31,981 [screeches] 60 00:02:34,085 --> 00:02:36,653 -[whimpering] -[screeching] 61 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:38,199 [whimpering] 62 00:02:38,823 --> 00:02:39,858 [screams] 63 00:02:40,991 --> 00:02:41,991 [all screaming] 64 00:02:44,127 --> 00:02:45,127 [snarls] 65 00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:47,063 [screeching] 66 00:02:49,967 --> 00:02:51,102 [Riddler] Riddle me this... 67 00:02:51,168 --> 00:02:52,637 [inhales] Oh. 68 00:02:53,169 --> 00:02:54,205 What's the next move? 69 00:02:54,205 --> 00:02:55,239 -Not a riddle. -[gasps] 70 00:02:55,306 --> 00:02:57,442 This whole, uh, sidekick thing 71 00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:59,610 has made me real rusty with my rids. 72 00:02:59,676 --> 00:03:02,948 God! Get me Darkseid. 73 00:03:03,014 --> 00:03:05,014 Oh. You want me to get him. 74 00:03:05,081 --> 00:03:06,312 Oh. Sorry. 75 00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:08,819 My phone doesn't have an inter-dimensional data plan. 76 00:03:08,819 --> 00:03:09,840 Good lord! 77 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,014 [sarcastically] Some assistant you are. 78 00:03:11,014 --> 00:03:12,223 Give me my phone. 79 00:03:12,223 --> 00:03:13,441 Okay, Ds. 80 00:03:13,441 --> 00:03:15,526 Deadshot, Deathstroke, Dee Dee, Doctor Aesop, 81 00:03:15,526 --> 00:03:17,895 Doctor Death, Doctor Hurt, Doctor Trapp, 82 00:03:17,895 --> 00:03:19,129 Doctor Rabinowitz... 83 00:03:19,129 --> 00:03:21,399 What is Doctor Rabinowitz's super power? 84 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,000 Skin care. He's my dermatologist. 85 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,100 I get adult acne. 86 00:03:24,168 --> 00:03:25,704 Here it is. Oh! [chuckles] 87 00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:27,705 -I put him under The Darkseid. That's what's wrong. -[phone beeps] 88 00:03:27,771 --> 00:03:28,806 [ringing] 89 00:03:28,873 --> 00:03:31,742 [Joker] What the fuck is your problem, Harley? 90 00:03:31,810 --> 00:03:33,544 I should kill you for that. 91 00:03:33,610 --> 00:03:34,645 Good. You're back. 92 00:03:34,645 --> 00:03:35,847 Now, where's the Queen of Fables' book? 93 00:03:35,847 --> 00:03:37,514 You had it in the tower, the tower collapsed. 94 00:03:37,514 --> 00:03:38,550 What happened to it? 95 00:03:38,616 --> 00:03:40,050 What happened to it? 96 00:03:40,116 --> 00:03:42,186 What happened to me? 97 00:03:42,252 --> 00:03:44,855 Oh, God! Oh, no. 98 00:03:44,923 --> 00:03:45,923 Oh, shit. 99 00:03:45,956 --> 00:03:47,007 What are you doing? 100 00:03:47,007 --> 00:03:48,727 [nervously] I'm starting to remember. 101 00:03:51,395 --> 00:03:54,846 [ominous music playing] 102 00:04:01,138 --> 00:04:02,439 [monitor beeping] 103 00:04:02,507 --> 00:04:06,106 [cheerful music playing] 104 00:04:07,878 --> 00:04:09,528 [inaudible] 105 00:04:21,992 --> 00:04:24,692 [puppy whimpering] 106 00:04:27,331 --> 00:04:28,800 [puppy barking] 107 00:04:30,166 --> 00:04:31,468 [puppy barking] 108 00:04:32,771 --> 00:04:37,608 -[tires screeching] -[crashes] 109 00:04:37,608 --> 00:04:40,158 [cracks knuckles] 110 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,586 What did I become? 111 00:04:48,653 --> 00:04:50,622 A suburban dad. Who gives a shit? 112 00:04:50,687 --> 00:04:52,023 Where's the fucking book? 113 00:04:52,089 --> 00:04:53,223 I'm not helping you! 114 00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:54,391 You're the whole reason 115 00:04:54,399 --> 00:04:56,160 I ended up spending six months of my life 116 00:04:56,161 --> 00:04:57,295 in khaki shorts, 117 00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:58,495 a Hawaiian shirt, 118 00:04:58,562 --> 00:05:00,665 and a cell phone clipped to my belt! 119 00:05:00,665 --> 00:05:02,471 Yeah. Thought you might say somethin' like that, 120 00:05:02,471 --> 00:05:03,935 which is why I'm not giving you a choice. 121 00:05:03,935 --> 00:05:05,870 You can't tell me what to do! 122 00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:06,870 I'm the Joker, 123 00:05:06,870 --> 00:05:09,874 Gotham's clown prince of crime. 124 00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:10,874 I'm gonna-- 125 00:05:10,874 --> 00:05:12,776 Blow up if you don't help me find the book. 126 00:05:12,776 --> 00:05:14,045 Before you came to, 127 00:05:14,045 --> 00:05:15,545 I put a bomb in your head, 128 00:05:15,612 --> 00:05:17,415 and I got the clicker right here. 129 00:05:17,482 --> 00:05:18,783 Hey! That's my bit. 130 00:05:19,283 --> 00:05:20,651 [beeping] 131 00:05:22,252 --> 00:05:23,855 [growls] Fine. 132 00:05:23,922 --> 00:05:26,922 I guess we're going to Bethany's house. 133 00:05:27,257 --> 00:05:29,161 [Batman] I lost communication with the Batplane 134 00:05:29,161 --> 00:05:30,161 around Wayne Tower. 135 00:05:30,161 --> 00:05:32,331 Master Wayne, you know you don't have to narrate for me. 136 00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:34,398 I'm quite adept at context clue. 137 00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:36,100 If I can just get a glimpse of it. 138 00:05:36,168 --> 00:05:37,901 I can use the city surveillance systems 139 00:05:37,901 --> 00:05:38,735 and track it. 140 00:05:38,735 --> 00:05:40,805 -There! No. -[clicking] 141 00:05:40,872 --> 00:05:42,940 No. No. 142 00:05:43,007 --> 00:05:45,843 No. No. No. No. 143 00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:46,911 [clicking] 144 00:05:48,211 --> 00:05:49,613 Computer. Enhance. 145 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:50,814 [Alfred] We have a new OS. 146 00:05:50,882 --> 00:05:52,283 All you have to do is say, 147 00:05:52,350 --> 00:05:53,685 "Hey, Batcomputer," 148 00:05:53,750 --> 00:05:55,386 and then whatever you want it to do. 149 00:05:55,452 --> 00:05:57,088 Hey, Batcomputer. 150 00:05:57,088 --> 00:05:58,456 Zoom in on picture. 151 00:05:58,523 --> 00:05:59,656 Joker's back, 152 00:05:59,723 --> 00:06:01,324 and Harley's with him. 153 00:06:01,391 --> 00:06:02,860 They must be behind this. 154 00:06:03,593 --> 00:06:06,764 It's time for Batman to... return. 155 00:06:06,831 --> 00:06:08,432 [sternly] No, Master Wayne. 156 00:06:08,499 --> 00:06:10,434 Come on, Alfred. I am ready. 157 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,769 Oh, I'm not worried about you. 158 00:06:11,836 --> 00:06:14,237 I just haven't had a chance to disinfect the Batsuit. 159 00:06:14,305 --> 00:06:16,507 Fine. Okay. Clean the suit... 160 00:06:16,574 --> 00:06:17,975 [softly] then Batman begins. 161 00:06:18,309 --> 00:06:19,711 Again. 162 00:06:19,776 --> 00:06:23,226 [ominous music playing] 163 00:06:25,615 --> 00:06:26,850 [screeching] 164 00:06:27,685 --> 00:06:29,420 All right. This all looks perfect to me. 165 00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:30,588 Can we go to the dress fitting now? 166 00:06:30,588 --> 00:06:32,156 Babe, let's at least have Debbie 167 00:06:32,223 --> 00:06:33,257 show us around. 168 00:06:33,257 --> 00:06:34,288 What's the rush? 169 00:06:34,288 --> 00:06:36,699 [nervously] What? There's no rush. There's no rush. I'm chillin'. 170 00:06:36,699 --> 00:06:39,396 So, I heard one of you loves to fondue. 171 00:06:39,463 --> 00:06:41,766 Fon-do I ever! 172 00:06:42,634 --> 00:06:43,701 Fon-damn it! 173 00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:45,670 Oh. We'll figure out a fix for that. 174 00:06:45,737 --> 00:06:47,504 Babe, are you sure 175 00:06:47,504 --> 00:06:49,007 you don't wanna postpone the nupties? 176 00:06:49,007 --> 00:06:50,774 You know, just until we get the whole 177 00:06:50,774 --> 00:06:53,778 "unpredictable flying demons" sitch figured out? 178 00:06:53,845 --> 00:06:57,682 Like, I'm not even sure I can kite down the aisle 179 00:06:57,682 --> 00:06:58,682 in these conditions. 180 00:06:58,682 --> 00:06:59,684 No! Absolutely not. 181 00:06:59,685 --> 00:07:01,052 I'm ready to move forward with my life 182 00:07:01,052 --> 00:07:02,252 and leave some things behind. 183 00:07:02,252 --> 00:07:03,620 And, if we don't do it right now, 184 00:07:03,620 --> 00:07:04,855 those things might catch up with us, 185 00:07:04,855 --> 00:07:05,855 and we can't have that. 186 00:07:05,889 --> 00:07:07,692 [hesitatingly] And... also, like... 187 00:07:07,692 --> 00:07:08,725 I wanna marr... 188 00:07:08,793 --> 00:07:10,560 You know, like, love and marr... 189 00:07:10,627 --> 00:07:11,896 I wanna do that thing with you. 190 00:07:11,963 --> 00:07:14,732 [crying] That was really touching. 191 00:07:14,798 --> 00:07:15,867 Thank you for saying that. 192 00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:17,233 I don't care what Psycho does, 193 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:18,519 this wedding is happening. 194 00:07:18,519 --> 00:07:21,105 So, this, of course, is where we'll put the-- [gasps] 195 00:07:21,572 --> 00:07:22,841 [cell phone ringing] 196 00:07:22,906 --> 00:07:24,709 [Debbie on phone] ...the photo booth. 197 00:07:24,776 --> 00:07:26,711 We'll have all kinds of silly props like 198 00:07:26,778 --> 00:07:28,579 a sign that says "YOLO." 199 00:07:28,646 --> 00:07:30,115 It'll be hilarious. 200 00:07:30,182 --> 00:07:32,617 See, honey? We're in great hands. 201 00:07:32,684 --> 00:07:35,418 [Joker] I can't believe I spent six months 202 00:07:35,485 --> 00:07:38,322 being some loser suburban stepdad. 203 00:07:38,389 --> 00:07:39,824 God damn it! 204 00:07:39,891 --> 00:07:42,862 I'm watering the whole neighborhood. 205 00:07:46,064 --> 00:07:47,064 Get the fuck back! 206 00:07:47,064 --> 00:07:48,598 Hold on! It's not what it looks like. 207 00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:49,834 Well, it looks like he's the Joker, 208 00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:50,869 you're Harley Quinn, 209 00:07:50,869 --> 00:07:52,038 and you're here to rob me. 210 00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:53,038 Two out of three. Not bad. 211 00:07:53,038 --> 00:07:54,538 We're not here to rob you. 212 00:07:54,538 --> 00:07:55,538 There's a book. 213 00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:56,975 A big, fairytale book. 214 00:07:57,041 --> 00:07:59,076 It's hers. She needs it back. 215 00:07:59,076 --> 00:08:00,610 You're gonna have to elaborate, clown. 216 00:08:00,677 --> 00:08:01,946 [groans] 217 00:08:02,012 --> 00:08:04,314 You found me in the rubble of Wayne Tower. 218 00:08:04,314 --> 00:08:05,314 We fell in love. 219 00:08:05,348 --> 00:08:06,668 I read your kids stories 220 00:08:06,668 --> 00:08:08,720 out of what I thought was just a regular fairytale book, 221 00:08:08,786 --> 00:08:10,788 but it was really an evil fairytale book. 222 00:08:10,855 --> 00:08:12,557 And it turns out I was actually the Joker, 223 00:08:12,557 --> 00:08:13,557 but I lost my memory, 224 00:08:13,557 --> 00:08:15,192 then she threw me back in acid. 225 00:08:15,194 --> 00:08:16,560 Now, I'm the Joker again. 226 00:08:16,627 --> 00:08:17,627 [speaking Spanish] 227 00:08:17,694 --> 00:08:19,329 I dated the Joker for six months? 228 00:08:19,396 --> 00:08:20,564 That's fuckin' ridiculous. 229 00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:21,833 Is it any more ridiculous 230 00:08:21,899 --> 00:08:23,500 than pointing that gun at my face? 231 00:08:23,567 --> 00:08:26,670 The gun you think little Sofia and Benicio don't know about? 232 00:08:26,737 --> 00:08:29,206 The gun you've never loaded or shot 233 00:08:29,274 --> 00:08:30,608 in your life? 234 00:08:30,608 --> 00:08:31,608 [growls] 235 00:08:31,675 --> 00:08:33,945 Soy yo, pudding. 236 00:08:34,544 --> 00:08:35,746 Mi corazon. 237 00:08:35,812 --> 00:08:36,847 [lock clicking] 238 00:08:37,981 --> 00:08:40,884 -[groans] -[insulting Joker in Spanish] 239 00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:44,855 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 240 00:08:44,923 --> 00:08:46,657 Give me the book, or I'll kill you. 241 00:08:46,724 --> 00:08:47,892 You're not killin' anybody. 242 00:08:47,958 --> 00:08:49,460 So, nothing we had was real? 243 00:08:49,527 --> 00:08:50,928 The trip we took to the mountains, 244 00:08:50,928 --> 00:08:53,364 the walks we took at night after the kids were asleep, 245 00:08:53,431 --> 00:08:55,331 The Sopranos rewatch we did? 246 00:08:55,399 --> 00:08:58,335 I guess. I mean, I did kind of enjoy those. 247 00:08:58,402 --> 00:08:59,736 But, I didn't know who I was! 248 00:08:59,803 --> 00:09:01,038 I'm the Joker! 249 00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:02,874 Obviously, I'm not going to date 250 00:09:02,941 --> 00:09:04,741 some suburban mom! 251 00:09:06,677 --> 00:09:07,812 That was a little harsh. 252 00:09:07,879 --> 00:09:09,179 I'm the fucking Joker! 253 00:09:09,246 --> 00:09:11,548 [chuckles] I mean, come on! I mean, seriously. 254 00:09:11,615 --> 00:09:12,783 I thought we had something. 255 00:09:12,783 --> 00:09:14,500 But, if you're too much of a coward to try, 256 00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:15,519 then here's your book. 257 00:09:17,421 --> 00:09:21,020 [dramatic music playing] 258 00:09:29,366 --> 00:09:30,500 [screeching] 259 00:09:31,735 --> 00:09:33,238 [shouting in Spanish] 260 00:09:35,605 --> 00:09:37,475 -[Harley] Shit! -No shit. 261 00:09:39,844 --> 00:09:40,845 [call waiting music playing] 262 00:09:40,912 --> 00:09:42,546 [giggles] What's he saying? 263 00:09:42,613 --> 00:09:43,914 [shushes] I'm still on hold. 264 00:09:43,981 --> 00:09:45,950 [on phone] Who interrupts Darkseid's quest 265 00:09:45,950 --> 00:09:47,985 for the anti-life equation? 266 00:09:48,052 --> 00:09:50,020 Uh, it's... [clears throat] 267 00:09:50,087 --> 00:09:52,123 [in deep voice] ...Dr. Psycho. 268 00:09:52,190 --> 00:09:56,027 Ah. The dwarf who called Wonder Woman a slur 269 00:09:56,094 --> 00:09:57,961 that even I dare not utter. 270 00:09:58,028 --> 00:09:59,998 God! That was, like, two years ago! 271 00:10:00,065 --> 00:10:02,667 Also, "dwarf" is considered a slur. 272 00:10:02,667 --> 00:10:04,634 Just FYI. This isn't Wizard of Oz. 273 00:10:04,701 --> 00:10:06,238 [Darkseid] Darkseid does not care. 274 00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:07,438 [sarcastically] Yeah. Why would you? 275 00:10:07,438 --> 00:10:08,899 Okay, so, Mr. Darkseid, sir, 276 00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:11,275 I have recently taken over Gotham City 277 00:10:11,342 --> 00:10:14,745 after organizing all your parademons, and-- 278 00:10:14,812 --> 00:10:16,181 What is your request? 279 00:10:16,181 --> 00:10:18,450 Okay, I'd like that deal that you made with Harley Quinn. 280 00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:20,251 The one that said if she took over Gotham, 281 00:10:20,317 --> 00:10:22,620 you'd help her take over the world. 282 00:10:22,687 --> 00:10:25,956 Darkseid is... late for a meeting. 283 00:10:26,024 --> 00:10:27,792 All right. I'm gonna make this quick. 284 00:10:27,859 --> 00:10:28,993 When I was a little boy, 285 00:10:28,993 --> 00:10:30,861 my mother brought me to the county fair. 286 00:10:30,861 --> 00:10:31,995 There was a Ferris wheel. 287 00:10:32,062 --> 00:10:33,298 A big, beautiful thing, 288 00:10:33,298 --> 00:10:35,366 and you had to be a certain height to ride it. 289 00:10:35,366 --> 00:10:37,067 And, of course, I was too short. 290 00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:38,470 But, my mother would always say, 291 00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:40,004 [in high-pitched voice] "Patience, Eddie. 292 00:10:40,004 --> 00:10:42,673 I'm sure next year you're gonna be big enough." 293 00:10:42,673 --> 00:10:43,740 Let me tell you right now. 294 00:10:43,807 --> 00:10:45,576 The next year rolled around, 295 00:10:45,576 --> 00:10:47,778 and I hadn't gotten any taller. 296 00:10:47,845 --> 00:10:49,147 Years went by. 297 00:10:49,214 --> 00:10:53,017 I hung upside down from my ankles for hours. 298 00:10:53,083 --> 00:10:55,052 I took growth hormones. 299 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:59,090 Anything to ride that big wheel in the sky. 300 00:10:59,157 --> 00:11:00,591 I never did get there. 301 00:11:00,658 --> 00:11:01,658 But, then, one day, 302 00:11:01,725 --> 00:11:04,095 somethin' very unexpected happened. 303 00:11:04,162 --> 00:11:06,331 [giggling] All those people 304 00:11:06,398 --> 00:11:07,966 fell to their death! 305 00:11:08,032 --> 00:11:09,801 [all screaming] 306 00:11:09,866 --> 00:11:12,736 [growling] And it was a rush! 307 00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:15,105 I thought it was so satisfying 308 00:11:15,173 --> 00:11:17,808 to watch all those people die! 309 00:11:17,875 --> 00:11:19,610 And, that's when I decided to hate women. 310 00:11:19,677 --> 00:11:21,778 I'm not sure that tracks. 311 00:11:21,846 --> 00:11:23,815 But, you get where I'm comin' from. 312 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,950 [Darkseid] I will end this transmission now. 313 00:11:26,017 --> 00:11:27,551 [softly] Wait! Wait! Wait! 314 00:11:27,618 --> 00:11:30,254 Most insomniacs who stay up all hours of the night 315 00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:32,923 doing deep dives on Wikipedia would tell you 316 00:11:32,990 --> 00:11:35,960 that 87% of apocalyptian business transactions 317 00:11:36,027 --> 00:11:37,961 are fueled by revenge. 318 00:11:38,028 --> 00:11:40,398 So, I was thinking-- 319 00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:41,399 -[laughing] -What? 320 00:11:41,399 --> 00:11:43,600 Why are you looking at me all weird? 321 00:11:43,668 --> 00:11:44,936 I just read your mind. 322 00:11:45,003 --> 00:11:47,038 What? That's creepy, man. 323 00:11:47,105 --> 00:11:51,975 Sir, what if I bring you the head of Harley Quinn? 324 00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:53,410 I mean, she did break the terms 325 00:11:53,477 --> 00:11:55,179 of her original agreement with you, 326 00:11:55,245 --> 00:11:57,481 and it seems like a good reason to want her dead. 327 00:11:57,548 --> 00:11:59,518 [Darkseid] You would vanquish the woman 328 00:11:59,518 --> 00:12:00,518 who betrayed me? 329 00:12:00,583 --> 00:12:02,620 [chuckles] Yeah! Of course. 330 00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:05,456 I mean, we're already in the process of that. 331 00:12:05,456 --> 00:12:06,662 We're mid-vanquish. 332 00:12:06,662 --> 00:12:09,360 Bring me the head of Harley Quinn, 333 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:10,628 and the Earth... 334 00:12:11,229 --> 00:12:12,763 is yours. 335 00:12:12,830 --> 00:12:15,200 [excitedly] Yes! Fuckin' sweet! 336 00:12:15,265 --> 00:12:18,001 -I mean, it will be done. -[cell phone beeps] 337 00:12:18,068 --> 00:12:21,572 Oh. Soon, the whole world 338 00:12:21,572 --> 00:12:24,174 is gonna bow before me. 339 00:12:24,241 --> 00:12:27,345 Bring me Harley Quinn! 340 00:12:27,412 --> 00:12:28,712 [screeches] 341 00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:31,349 God, your calves are huge! 342 00:12:31,349 --> 00:12:32,349 [squeaking] 343 00:12:32,615 --> 00:12:33,985 [screeching] 344 00:12:34,052 --> 00:12:35,220 [music playing on speaker] 345 00:12:38,222 --> 00:12:39,524 [Poison Ivy] What do you think? 346 00:12:41,058 --> 00:12:44,328 I think this is highly against protocol. 347 00:12:44,395 --> 00:12:46,029 If my mother saw me seeing you 348 00:12:46,029 --> 00:12:47,365 in that dress before the wedding, 349 00:12:47,365 --> 00:12:49,100 she would say something very passive-aggressive 350 00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:50,301 that would bring me to tears. 351 00:12:50,368 --> 00:12:51,535 Where is Harley? 352 00:12:51,535 --> 00:12:53,136 She should be here. Not me. 353 00:12:53,203 --> 00:12:55,072 What? Forget about Harley. She was busy, 354 00:12:55,072 --> 00:12:56,639 and I don't have any other friends, so you're up. 355 00:12:56,639 --> 00:12:59,076 Babe, did you and Harley get into a fight or something 356 00:12:59,143 --> 00:13:00,544 at the ol' bach partay? 357 00:13:00,611 --> 00:13:02,879 It just feels like you've been different since then. 358 00:13:02,947 --> 00:13:04,782 What? No. We're, like, totally fine. 359 00:13:04,782 --> 00:13:05,899 [stammering] We just... She... 360 00:13:05,899 --> 00:13:07,618 She's just got her things, and I've got mine. 361 00:13:07,618 --> 00:13:10,187 It's a classic case of, like, people just, you know, havin' things 362 00:13:10,187 --> 00:13:11,822 that they do away from people. 363 00:13:11,822 --> 00:13:13,424 Plus, she's like not good at this stuff. 364 00:13:13,424 --> 00:13:14,792 You know, it's like, you are. 365 00:13:14,792 --> 00:13:16,094 You are good at this kind of thing. 366 00:13:16,094 --> 00:13:18,296 You are right about that. 367 00:13:18,363 --> 00:13:20,697 [inhales] Okay. Um... [clicks tongue] 368 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,799 Are you totally set on cream? 369 00:13:22,866 --> 00:13:23,868 What? What do you mean? 370 00:13:23,899 --> 00:13:25,635 -The... Isn't this just white? -Nope. 371 00:13:25,702 --> 00:13:27,672 -[screeching] -Oh, shit! 372 00:13:27,938 --> 00:13:29,240 [grunts] 373 00:13:30,408 --> 00:13:31,442 [screeching] 374 00:13:31,509 --> 00:13:34,846 [speaking slowly] We don't speak your language. 375 00:13:34,912 --> 00:13:36,714 Is there another way 376 00:13:36,714 --> 00:13:39,183 we can communicate? 377 00:13:39,250 --> 00:13:40,750 You do know that speaking louder 378 00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:42,386 will not help them understand you. 379 00:13:42,453 --> 00:13:43,721 It... might. 380 00:13:45,755 --> 00:13:47,024 What the fuck? 381 00:13:47,091 --> 00:13:48,759 Shit nuts with a can! 382 00:13:48,826 --> 00:13:49,961 Oh, my God! 383 00:13:49,961 --> 00:13:51,395 I wasn't even sure I wanted a backless dress, 384 00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:52,596 and now I'm stuck with it. 385 00:13:52,663 --> 00:13:53,865 Yeah. I was gonna say, 386 00:13:53,931 --> 00:13:56,667 a backless halter... is a little rural. 387 00:13:56,734 --> 00:13:57,735 [growls] 388 00:13:59,003 --> 00:14:00,504 [growling] I've had it! 389 00:14:00,572 --> 00:14:02,874 I didn't care when they were taking giant dumps 390 00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:04,142 all over the fuckin' city, 391 00:14:04,208 --> 00:14:07,077 but this is a $13,000 Vera Wang! 392 00:14:07,144 --> 00:14:09,480 [nervously] Uh... Okay. Thirteen... 393 00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:12,517 So, you know, are we doin' the traditional thing 394 00:14:12,517 --> 00:14:14,152 where the bride's parents pay for the wedding? 395 00:14:14,152 --> 00:14:15,653 Dr. Psycho's dead. 396 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:16,721 Hold my hair. 397 00:14:16,787 --> 00:14:18,022 Yeah. Sure, honey. 398 00:14:18,089 --> 00:14:21,688 [menacing music playing] 399 00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:24,461 [suspenseful music playing] 400 00:14:26,230 --> 00:14:27,365 [Harley shouts] Get down! 401 00:14:27,432 --> 00:14:28,899 [screeching] 402 00:14:28,966 --> 00:14:31,701 We're not going to find this book. 403 00:14:31,769 --> 00:14:33,303 Ugh. This sucks! 404 00:14:33,303 --> 00:14:35,139 Why don't you just blow my head up right now? 405 00:14:35,139 --> 00:14:36,408 [angrily] It's your fault we're here. 406 00:14:36,408 --> 00:14:37,875 If you hadn't been an asshole to your ex, 407 00:14:37,875 --> 00:14:38,942 she wouldn't have chucked the book 408 00:14:38,942 --> 00:14:40,500 into the jaws of a parademon. 409 00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:41,645 She chucked the book 410 00:14:41,712 --> 00:14:43,081 because she's loca. 411 00:14:43,147 --> 00:14:45,082 She's got it tattooed on her lower back 412 00:14:45,149 --> 00:14:46,918 next to a Tweety Bird. 413 00:14:46,984 --> 00:14:49,254 Although, we did have some good times. 414 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,754 Great. Uh, I don't give a shit. 415 00:14:50,754 --> 00:14:51,788 Let's find the book. 416 00:14:51,788 --> 00:14:52,724 [squelching] 417 00:14:52,724 --> 00:14:54,892 I might actually say 418 00:14:54,958 --> 00:14:57,095 it was the most fulfilling relationship 419 00:14:57,095 --> 00:14:58,196 I've been in. 420 00:14:58,196 --> 00:15:00,498 Jesus Christ! Are you gettin' sentimental? 421 00:15:00,565 --> 00:15:02,100 Where was that when we were dating? 422 00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:04,501 You fell in love with me when I was famous. 423 00:15:04,568 --> 00:15:07,705 When I looked like this. [chuckles] 424 00:15:07,772 --> 00:15:08,940 Bethany fell in love with me 425 00:15:09,005 --> 00:15:11,308 when I was just a square-looking barback 426 00:15:11,375 --> 00:15:13,711 with not a lot of prospects. 427 00:15:13,778 --> 00:15:15,513 Uh, that wasn't the real you! 428 00:15:15,513 --> 00:15:17,615 [shouting] You had forgotten what a piece of shit you are! 429 00:15:17,615 --> 00:15:20,585 I can't believe you were ever a therapist. 430 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:24,489 I'm starting to wonder, 431 00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,957 did I screw something up good 432 00:15:26,957 --> 00:15:28,460 with me and Bethany? 433 00:15:28,525 --> 00:15:29,562 Probably not. 434 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:32,263 Just seeing you toss away your chance at Ivy has... 435 00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:34,764 Has got me thinking about my own love life. 436 00:15:34,831 --> 00:15:37,033 I mean, I don't wanna biff it like you did. 437 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:38,836 Hey! I told Ivy how I felt, 438 00:15:38,836 --> 00:15:39,836 and she didn't feel that way. 439 00:15:39,836 --> 00:15:40,836 [shouting] And end of story! 440 00:15:40,837 --> 00:15:41,905 Water under the bridge! 441 00:15:41,905 --> 00:15:43,240 Right. Right. 442 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,842 [sarcastically] The screaming about it at the mere mention of her name 443 00:15:45,842 --> 00:15:47,578 certainly backs that up. 444 00:15:48,211 --> 00:15:53,017 [screeching in distance] 445 00:15:53,017 --> 00:15:54,184 Fuck, yeah! 446 00:15:54,451 --> 00:15:55,802 [snoring] 447 00:15:59,789 --> 00:16:02,494 Look at these hideous monsters. 448 00:16:02,559 --> 00:16:05,895 Oh, Bethany and I used to cuddle just like that. 449 00:16:05,962 --> 00:16:08,265 God, we could just sit on the couch 450 00:16:08,332 --> 00:16:10,400 and talk about nothing for hours. 451 00:16:10,467 --> 00:16:13,437 We just got each other. 452 00:16:13,504 --> 00:16:15,440 She always had my back. 453 00:16:15,506 --> 00:16:16,606 [sentimental music playing] 454 00:16:17,908 --> 00:16:19,177 Good God! 455 00:16:19,243 --> 00:16:20,445 That's true love. 456 00:16:20,511 --> 00:16:22,113 Then you can't just give up. 457 00:16:22,179 --> 00:16:23,413 Love's a risk. 458 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,048 It may not always go in your favor, 459 00:16:25,115 --> 00:16:26,350 but if it's true love, 460 00:16:26,417 --> 00:16:28,186 you have to fight for it. 461 00:16:28,452 --> 00:16:29,721 [belches] 462 00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:31,322 That is foul. 463 00:16:31,389 --> 00:16:33,057 Ugh! Let's get the hell outta here. 464 00:16:33,124 --> 00:16:37,173 [suspenseful music playing] 465 00:16:39,129 --> 00:16:40,298 [growling] 466 00:16:40,365 --> 00:16:42,033 Maybe it's T. rex rules. 467 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:43,868 If we don't move, they can't see us. 468 00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:46,270 [screeching] 469 00:16:46,336 --> 00:16:48,306 Yeah. I'm pretty sure they can see us. 470 00:16:48,373 --> 00:16:49,707 [growling and screeching] 471 00:16:50,140 --> 00:16:51,241 [grunts] 472 00:16:51,308 --> 00:16:53,544 I can't run in fucking wingtips. 473 00:16:53,611 --> 00:16:55,412 [screeching] 474 00:16:59,116 --> 00:17:02,716 [dramatic music playing] 475 00:17:04,689 --> 00:17:05,690 [shrieks] 476 00:17:07,892 --> 00:17:08,960 [Joker yelps] 477 00:17:10,094 --> 00:17:11,563 [shrieks] 478 00:17:13,163 --> 00:17:14,963 [screeching] 479 00:17:36,988 --> 00:17:37,988 [Joker grunts] 480 00:17:38,789 --> 00:17:40,592 [both panting] 481 00:17:40,924 --> 00:17:41,924 [screeching] 482 00:17:44,461 --> 00:17:48,261 Nice knowin' ya, Mistah J. 483 00:17:49,933 --> 00:17:51,035 [screeching] 484 00:17:51,102 --> 00:17:55,071 [dramatic music playing] 485 00:17:55,071 --> 00:17:57,141 So, you're all in league with Psycho, 486 00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:58,844 and you've gotten back with Joker. 487 00:17:58,910 --> 00:18:00,044 Oh for two, idiot. 488 00:18:00,111 --> 00:18:01,346 Jesus, Bats. 489 00:18:01,412 --> 00:18:02,814 Your time out of the game 490 00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:05,482 has really made your detective skills go to shit. 491 00:18:05,549 --> 00:18:06,584 [Batman] I doubt that. 492 00:18:06,584 --> 00:18:07,719 [Harley] We're trying to save the city. 493 00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:09,220 Psycho's mind-controlled my crew 494 00:18:09,287 --> 00:18:10,320 and all the parademons. 495 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:11,422 And, in order to stop him, 496 00:18:11,422 --> 00:18:12,990 we're trying to free the Justice League 497 00:18:13,057 --> 00:18:14,759 -from Queen of Fables' book. -Oh. 498 00:18:14,826 --> 00:18:17,928 [growls] Oh! That is not the book. 499 00:18:17,994 --> 00:18:20,365 What? Then the actual book is-- 500 00:18:20,431 --> 00:18:21,766 [shouting] Still at Bethany's! 501 00:18:21,833 --> 00:18:24,201 Looks like we're takin' a detour to suburbia. 502 00:18:24,268 --> 00:18:26,103 Bats, tell Zatanna to meet us there, 503 00:18:26,170 --> 00:18:27,204 and bring her wand. 504 00:18:27,270 --> 00:18:29,140 -Who's Bethany? -My girlfriend. 505 00:18:29,207 --> 00:18:31,809 -What? -My ex-girlfriend! 506 00:18:31,809 --> 00:18:33,411 I'll explain on the way. 507 00:18:36,012 --> 00:18:37,114 [screeching] 508 00:18:37,181 --> 00:18:39,450 Okay. You're tellin' me 509 00:18:39,517 --> 00:18:41,018 that Harley and Joker 510 00:18:41,018 --> 00:18:42,854 were in the goddamn nest, 511 00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,088 but escaped with Batman? 512 00:18:45,155 --> 00:18:46,457 [screeching] 513 00:18:46,523 --> 00:18:49,527 And, they're headed east in the fuckin' Batplane? 514 00:18:49,594 --> 00:18:51,429 -[screeches] -Northeast. Whatever. 515 00:18:51,496 --> 00:18:53,196 Shit! What the hell are we gonna do? 516 00:18:53,263 --> 00:18:55,799 -Batman was supposed to be out of commission! -[crashing] 517 00:18:56,667 --> 00:18:57,968 Hey, Psycho! 518 00:18:58,035 --> 00:18:59,837 You tiny-dicked asshole. 519 00:18:59,904 --> 00:19:02,173 I was tryin' to just sit this one out, 520 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,541 but you screwed with my goddamn wedding. 521 00:19:04,608 --> 00:19:07,478 So, either ground your goddamn parademons 522 00:19:07,545 --> 00:19:09,247 until the "I do's" are done, 523 00:19:09,313 --> 00:19:11,214 -or so help me-- -Oh! 524 00:19:11,281 --> 00:19:15,086 Actually, I'm so happy you came, Ivy. 525 00:19:15,152 --> 00:19:18,154 I was really in need of a friend. 526 00:19:18,221 --> 00:19:20,124 [whirring] 527 00:19:21,491 --> 00:19:23,894 [Batman] So, you, the Joker, 528 00:19:23,961 --> 00:19:26,530 were in a relationship with a nurse practitioner. 529 00:19:26,597 --> 00:19:29,232 Technically, she was in nursing school. 530 00:19:29,299 --> 00:19:31,435 And you professed your love to Ivy. 531 00:19:31,501 --> 00:19:33,671 Ugh! Still don't know why you brought that up. 532 00:19:33,671 --> 00:19:34,538 Oh, my God! 533 00:19:34,538 --> 00:19:35,869 It came up organically. 534 00:19:35,869 --> 00:19:38,241 It would've been awkward if I didn't say anything. 535 00:19:38,308 --> 00:19:41,578 Look, we need to get that book before Psycho kills us all. 536 00:19:41,645 --> 00:19:45,048 No. This is mine to do. 537 00:19:47,952 --> 00:19:49,086 [knocking] 538 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,123 Didn't I tell you to fuck off and get lost? 539 00:19:52,123 --> 00:19:55,660 Yes. Yes, you most definitely said both of those things, 540 00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:56,728 but, um... 541 00:19:56,795 --> 00:19:59,964 I just can't stay away, Beth. 542 00:20:00,031 --> 00:20:02,968 You know, I thought I had the perfect life 543 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,368 before I met you. 544 00:20:04,434 --> 00:20:07,238 Maiming, killing, causing general chaos. 545 00:20:07,305 --> 00:20:08,973 I thought I had it all. 546 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,008 But, now, I realize... 547 00:20:11,075 --> 00:20:13,211 I was missing something. 548 00:20:13,277 --> 00:20:16,346 Love is what makes life worth living. 549 00:20:16,413 --> 00:20:20,084 So, Joker went through some changes over the last few months. 550 00:20:20,151 --> 00:20:23,019 I don't wanna blow what could be a great thing. 551 00:20:23,086 --> 00:20:24,923 Like a friend of mine did. 552 00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:27,224 I still have the remote to blow up your fuckin' head. 553 00:20:27,290 --> 00:20:29,493 I wanna give this a shot. 554 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,863 [speaking in Spanish] 555 00:20:31,930 --> 00:20:34,065 [gasps] Oh, baby! 556 00:20:34,131 --> 00:20:35,132 We need that book. 557 00:20:35,199 --> 00:20:37,714 Jesus! Read the fucking room! 558 00:20:42,740 --> 00:20:46,790 [suspenseful music playing] 559 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:50,480 [both gasp] 560 00:20:50,548 --> 00:20:52,416 [weakly] Thank Hera! 561 00:20:52,482 --> 00:20:54,050 That place was hell. 562 00:20:54,117 --> 00:20:56,520 [softly] They made us listen to the same songs 563 00:20:56,587 --> 00:20:59,758 [breath shudders] over and over again. 564 00:20:59,824 --> 00:21:02,226 [trembling] Too soft. Too hard. Never just right. 565 00:21:02,292 --> 00:21:04,028 Never just right. 566 00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:05,896 So, in summary, 567 00:21:05,896 --> 00:21:07,531 we have to take down the parademon army 568 00:21:07,598 --> 00:21:08,866 and get to Dr. Psycho. 569 00:21:08,933 --> 00:21:10,468 No time to waste! 570 00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:13,403 [grunting and groaning] Sorry! It's been a minute. 571 00:21:13,471 --> 00:21:15,973 I should probably get back to Central City. 572 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:17,240 [groans] 573 00:21:21,546 --> 00:21:23,381 I'll go make some coffee. 574 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:24,548 So, is this your new life? 575 00:21:24,548 --> 00:21:25,750 You're gonna go coach a little league team 576 00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:27,285 and get ice cream after the game? 577 00:21:27,351 --> 00:21:28,819 [chuckles] No! 578 00:21:28,886 --> 00:21:31,455 Little Benicio's lactose-intolerant. 579 00:21:31,521 --> 00:21:34,392 Look, lots of dads are serial killers. 580 00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,326 I'm not gonna change who I am. 581 00:21:36,394 --> 00:21:38,462 I just have a better reason to kill. 582 00:21:38,528 --> 00:21:41,066 I am in love! [laughing] 583 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,768 Now, it's your turn. 584 00:21:42,768 --> 00:21:44,803 I told you, I tried. It didn't work. 585 00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:45,703 Ivy said no. 586 00:21:45,703 --> 00:21:47,704 Are you prepared to live with that? 587 00:21:47,771 --> 00:21:49,874 I'm prepared for anything. 588 00:21:51,742 --> 00:21:54,377 Ivy! What're you doing here? 589 00:21:54,444 --> 00:21:57,048 I've got something to tell you. 590 00:21:57,115 --> 00:21:58,682 I am going to kill you. 591 00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:00,585 [dramatic music playing] 592 00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:02,319 -Damn! That shit was tense. -[groans] 593 00:22:02,385 --> 00:22:03,721 See, now, this show is a comedy 594 00:22:03,788 --> 00:22:06,289 that combines both humor and dramatic tension. 595 00:22:06,356 --> 00:22:07,992 -Can I get a Chiron? -[buzzer sounds] 596 00:22:08,058 --> 00:22:09,292 See you all next week. 597 00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:10,627 Same Frank time, 598 00:22:10,694 --> 00:22:11,997 same Frank channel. 599 00:22:12,063 --> 00:22:14,365 I'm gonna get some popcorn in anticipation. 600 00:22:14,432 --> 00:22:16,232 Hey, Chaz. Hook a brother up! 601 00:22:16,299 --> 00:22:18,234 -[laughs] -[slurping] 602 00:22:18,301 --> 00:22:19,703 [spits] There's butter on this! 603 00:22:19,770 --> 00:22:21,105 [shouting] What the fuck, Chaz? 604 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:22,606 I'm watchin' my cholesterol. 605 00:22:23,540 --> 00:22:25,777 [theme music playing]