♪ upbeat music playing ♪
‐ And that's when I realized I'd been wrong about my face shape for years.
It turns out it is a heart shape.
It's just one of those hearts that's really round.
‐ Wow, that's crazy, and a very interesting conclusion
to why you thought the Gilmore Girls revival was a failure.
‐ Ladies, join us in the conversation pit.
We were just sharing our personal mission statements
for the employee wellness retreat this weekend.
IZZY: Oh my gosh, amaze.
Okay, so mine is gonna be to be more confident.
Wait, no. Um, less indecisive.
Actually, I'm not sure.
ALISON B.: Mine's to do a full digital detox.
Celeste's beach house has lightning‐fast Wi‐Fi,
but the only connecting I'll be doing is with Mother Nature
and my gorgeous colleagues.
Jules, it was such a bummer that you had to miss last year's retreat.
And the one before that.
‐ I know. I really hope there's not another specific reason
why you can't come this year.
‐ Ooh, yeah, um... [clears throat] about that.
ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon and welcome to the fifth annual running
of "What excuse will Jules use to get out of attending the company retreat?"
Jules has been making tremendous headway these last few months,
getting closer with her friends in and outside of work.
But this event really stands to solidify
her position as, quote, "one of the girls."
‐ [bell rings] ‐ And they're off!
‐ Um... [clears throat] the thing about this weekend is, uh...
ANNOUNCER: It's Grandma's Funeral up in front
with Food Poisoning half a length behind! ‐ Come on!
‐ There's a situation, um, with my bathroom.
ANNOUNCER: And here comes Plumbing Issues looking strong out of the first turn.
‐ Obviously I would love, ahem, to attend the retreat, um...
ANNOUNCER: Plumbing Issues is trailed by the rest of the pack.
Nephew's Bar Mitzvah, Totally Forgot, and Parents in Town bringing up the rear!
Wait a minute, out of nowhere, a dark horse is picking up speed!
It's She's Gonna Go!
Into the final straightaway, it's She's Gonna Go for third!
‐ And that's why this year I'm...
‐ She's Gonna Go for second! ‐ ...going.
‐ She's Gonna Go for the win by a nose!
[gamblers groan]
♪ theme song plays ♪
‐ The retreat is gonna be way more fun with you there, Jules.
I was so over being the only one without a partner for couples' colonics last year.
‐ Uggh! ‐ What?
The email said to pack athletic wear.
‐ Did it say pack athletic wear
for a nine‐year‐old boy on his way to soccer practice?
'Cause that's what this is.
‐ Uh, can I help you with my mail? STELLA: No, I'm good.
‐ Oh, so we're just committing casual felonies now.
‐ No, I get my mail sent here sometimes, you know that.
‐ I feel certain that I didn't.
‐ You're just a person that doesn't lose important bills and documents and stuff.
‐ So, a person?
‐ Oh look, time to get your teeth cleaned. ‐ Oh, man.
Hey, I liked that.
‐ Oh, no, you're right. It's too cruel.
‐ Thank you. ‐ No, I meant for the people of Goodwill.
‐ Oh, my God, Stella, are you pen pals with George Clooney?
‐ No, no. Amal.
What I really need are business school acceptance letters.
‐ Look, you're gonna get somewhere great.
It's all gonna work out, 'cause life is amazing.
Holy shitballs, nope!
‐ Okay, you're officially having too much fun with this.
‐ What? I'm in a good mood.
You know, that can happen when your hot, successful older boyfriend
tells you he loves you. ‐ Oooh!
‐ Wow! ‐ It's no big deal.
We're just two mature adults who just happen to have discovered
that our souls mesh perfectly
in a delicate symphony of desire and spiritual fulfillment.
‐ Well, I'm very happy for you.
‐ Thank you. And I'm very happy for you.
Seriously, Jules, it's a big deal that you're going to this retreat.
I mean, you've really been putting in the effort to be
a functioning woman with actual friends who are not her cat.
‐ Yeah, I feel like I have been doing amazing at being a girl lately.
‐ Eeh, no one said that. ‐ Slow your roll.
‐ You thought a Bioré strip was that land between Israel and Egypt.
‐ For me. Amazing for me.
I just have to go in there with an open mind.
IMELDA: We need to do more than open our minds.
We need to release our breath
and engage our pelvic floor.
‐ [goat bleating] IMELDA: Let the goats absorb
the negative energy.
[goat bleats]
Ladies, let's give a warm welcome to Imelda,
who is leading us as retreat mother for the fourth year in a row.
[goats bleating]
I am so very happy to be back here at my Malibu home,
perfectly situated between beach and forest,
sand and sky... ‐ [goat bleating]
‐ ...the drummer of Imagine Dragons and the heir to the Capri Sun fortune.
Humble head, Jules.
Hosting this retreat every year is such an honor for you girls
that I only wish I had someone like me in my life
to be the person that I am for you.
But since I cannot be me, I have Imelda.
‐ Every experience is a birth.
Except for birth.
Which is a continuation. Continuation.
Now let's inhale for a violent scream.
[inhales sharply]
♪ women singing in African language ♪
♪ rhythmic African music playing ♪
[music continues, gulls calling]
‐ Laura's floating pretty far out.
‐ Laura's meditating, Jules. We shouldn't interrupt her.
‐ She's on her own journey.
♪ music continues ♪
[Alison B. whimpering]
[Imelda humming]
‐ That is what the ostrich represented, you do love your sister.
‐ I do! I really do!
‐ Nourish yourselves, ladies.
‐ She's ready.
‐ Oh, good.
‐ Um... has anyone seen Laura?
[gong sounds]
‐ Have you ever had your energy read before?
‐ No, actually. But it was either this or cervical acupuncture.
‐ Shhhh. Speech disrupts the work.
‐ Sorry. I mean you did ask me a question‐‐
‐ Did I? ‐ Yes.
‐ Shhhhh.
I'm now going to begin to penetrate your auric shield.
You may have a very intense reaction.
Try to remain calm, even though this will be very frightening.
[chanting loudly]
I'm sensing something. Let's try to help it emerge.
[chanting]
There's something inside you.
A seed.
It's incubating. Growing.
It will get bigger and bigger until one day, it will be born.
‐ You know what? Um, as much as I'm loving
this very intense, uh, scary prolonged face touching,
I think we're all late to stuff a lavender pouch, you know?
Because, as you know, uh, they don't stuff themselves.
[chuckles] Shall we, ladies?
IMELDA: One more thing.
Once this energy is given life, everything you know will have to change.
‐ Cool, cool. Very chill note to end on.
‐ Wanna know when you're gonna die?
‐ Oh, um, no thank you. ‐ Okay.
‐ Oh, hey, Celeste. Sorry, I was just gonna get a glass of water.
‐ Jules, the pH water's in the fridge.
So... how's your retreat?
Are you loving the experience of being here?
Are you thriving? ‐ Oh, yeah.
Um... absolutely.
My experience has been the thriviest.
‐ Jules, I know you don't normally join us.
Is it the other girls. Are you feeling excluded?
‐ No. Um, no, not at all.
I've really liked getting closer to the girls at work.
‐ It is so important to have women in your life that you can rely on.
‐ Yeah, I've definitely learned that lately.
I actually went through a breakup earlier this year.
Um, I was dating Ramona Hess's brother?
‐ Oh, I love Ramona. She's getting married this spring.
‐ Yeah. Actually she was the one
who recommended me when I first got my job at Woom.
‐ Well, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup,
but it's really important for you to focus on your career right now.
Relationships are hard, especially for strong women.
[sighs] I'd be lying if I said that Woom hadn't gotten in the way of my marriage.
‐ Oh, yeah, you're... you're married. I don't think I've ever met your husband.
‐ He's allergic to the limelight, that one.
He mostly hides out here to be close to the hospital
and I stay at our penthouse to be near work.
I mean, it isn't perfect.
He wanted kids, but Woom is my baby, so...
I will say this, though:
if someone is your person, you will find a way to make things work.
That's what Colin and I have done.
‐ Someone talking about me?
CELESTE: Were you eavesdropping?
I didn't say anything bad that wasn't true.
‐ Just grabbing a beer. I know, I know, no boys allowed.
Whoa! Thank you. Quite an arm on that one.
When are you going to finally take my suggestion
and start that company softball team?
‐ Don't start with the softball team again.
‐ Fine, fine, I get it.
You don't want my male energy interrupting the sacred space of femininity.
‐ Oh, Jules. You look sick.
‐ No, I'm, um‐‐ Excuse me.
[vomiting, coughing]
‐ Poor Jules.
‐ Oh, God, I can't believe this is happening.
‐ I know. It's unbelievable.
‐ Wait. You know? ‐ Yes. It's what Imelda said.
The life force growing inside of you, the puking,
your recent rampant casual sex.
‐ "Rampant" is a strong word.
‐ It's obvious you're pregnant.
I do hope it's a girl.
‐ Well, I hope it's a nothing because that's crazy.
I mean, I don't feel sick because some woman
who makes her own deodorant thinks I'm pregnant.
I feel sick because I was in the kitchen with Celeste and I saw...
Um... It doesn't matter. Uh...
I just don't feel good.
‐ You know what's not an effective form of birth control, Jules?
Denial.
This girl I went to college with, Ashley Zamora,
started gaining all this weight sophomore winter
and everyone was like, "Oh, don't worry, it's just the stress of finals,"
and then one night she had really bad stomach cramps...
[snaps fingers] had a surprise baby at the Sigma Nu Spaghetti Dinner.
‐ Fine, I'll... take a test,
but "something growing inside me that needs to come out"
might not be a baby.
It might be a piece of information
that you really, really, really need to tell someone,
but you have no idea how because it could ruin her entire life.
‐ "Ruin." That could be a really pretty girl's name.
‐ You know what, I'm gonna go home early.
‐ You could spell it with two O's. That is so cute.
‐ Two minutes.
Two minutes.
That's not long. How long has it been?
Fourteen seconds? Are you fucking kidding me?
Okay, calm down. [clears throat] Calm down.
You feel sick because of Colin. You are not pregnant.
You're on birth control.
This test has no purpose other than to give you peace of mind.
Like vitamins.
‐ [timer beeps] ‐ [whimpers]
[sighs] Oh, thank God.
This is officially the most beautiful thing I've ever peed on.
‐ Hey! ‐ Aaah.
Madison, what are you doing here?
‐ Well, Izzy said you came home sick and said I should check to see
if you gave any more thought to her spaghetti dinner story?
What's going on?
‐ Oh, it's nothing.
‐ Oh, my God, are you pregnant?
‐ What? Uh, no, no.
‐ Well then what's wrong, something else?
‐ No, no, no. No, no, no. It's definitely not something else.
MADISON: Jules! ‐ Uh...
So it has to be the first thing.
‐ Oh, oh, my God. Come here.
Oh, my God.
Wait. Wait, how did that happen, don't you have an IUD?
Yeah, but, uh, I think the doctor put it in backwards or something?
She's a lefty, so...
‐ Well, look, whatever you decide, I'm here for you, okay?
God, you must be freaking out.
‐ Yeah, I definitely am.
I mean, I feel like out of nowhere today I got saddled with this...
situation that I didn't ask for
and I feel completely unprepared for how to handle.
‐ Well, just remember: you have options.
‐ It doesn't feel like I do.
‐ Jules, it's 2019. You have a choice.
But, if you really feel that way, look, I know you'll be able to handle it.
You'd be a great mom.
‐ Ha, what makes you say that?
‐ You're a great friend.
[sighs]
Morning sickness?
‐ Something like that.
[ringtone chiming]
‐ Hey, Stell.
‐ You guys, I'm at USC. And I'm celebrating!
‐ Oh, my God. Did you hear about business school?
‐ Did you get in? ‐ No, I got rejected,
but I did get accepted into doing
whatever the fuck I want for the next two years.
And also forever.
‐ Stella, I don't think campus is the best place for you right now.
Look, I'm gonna send a Lyft to take you back to Jules's, okay?
‐ No, no, no, I have to stay here, I have to talk to the Dean.
I have to face my demons.
My dean‐a‐mons. My dean demons?
My de... My de... [laughing]
My deanamons. ‐ [phone beeping]
‐ Okay, look, I promise to help you deal with this,
but I think we have to go get Stella, she's had way too much to drink.
‐ Yeah, I could use a drink myself. ‐ Jules!
‐ Right. Because I'm super pregnant.
So, never mind.
♪ hip‐hop playing ♪
‐ Oh, whatcha got there... economics?
Supply and demand?
More like suck a dick, am I right? ‐ Uh... hey, Stell.
‐ I'm just telling these children to get all the knowledge they can
because they might not be able to come back.
I guess they don't teach you to listen in college these days.
[hisses] MADISON: Okay, okay.
Let's leave Gen Z alone for a minute. Let's sit down.
[Stella sighs]
‐ You know, I really thought that I was smart enough to get in, but I was wrong.
‐ Stella, this is one school.
You still have a bunch you haven't heard back from yet.
‐ But this was my safety school.
Okay? And your safety school is supposed to be like your back burner guy,
like Scotty with the neck tattoo.
If Scotty with the neck tattoo doesn't want to fuck you, then you're done.
‐ Babe! Scotty with the neck tattoo is always gonna wanna fuck you.
His neck tattoo is of you.
‐ I don't wanna be on these steps anymore. I wanna go to class.
MADISON: Okay, wait, Stella, it's nighttime, there is no class.
Look, I can deal with this if you're too overwhelmed by, you know, everything.
‐ Oh, I'm fine. We just have to get her to bed.
‐ You're right. She's about to transition from fun drunk to sad drunk.
[Stella sobbing]
It's okay, Stell. It's okay, you're okay.
‐ I'm not good enough for business school.
I'm just a beautiful idiot like...
James Franco!
‐ You are not James Franco, Stella.
STELLA: I am!
I mean, everyone thinks I've not done anything with my life
because I'm fun and I don't want to,
but now everyone's gonna know the truth that I always knew... that I'm stupid!
‐ Oh, Stella, please, no one thinks that.
‐ No, don't gimme a hug!
Just admit that I'm stupid or leave me alone.
‐ We have got to get her to bed.
‐ [both] Oh, no, no, no, no!
‐ You're holding her wrong, you have to support her head.
‐ Guess my maternal instincts haven't kicked in yet.
‐ This is why we needed to feed her.
She's never gonna go down if she has an empty stomach.
‐ Fine, gimme the Taco Bell.
‐ I don't want Taco Bell! I wanna be a busi‐ness student.
‐ I know, sweetie. I know.
Look... can you take a sip of this for me?
Good, open up, open up. ‐ There you go.
MADISON: Oh! She's spitting up!
‐ Okay. ‐ Test it first. It might be too hot.
‐ [Stella sighs] MADISON: It's okay, I know.
‐ No, it's mild. ‐ [Stella sobs]
MADISON: Okay, here you go, Stella.
‐ Oh, thank God she's finally settling. ‐ Okay.
‐ I wanted a Cheesy Gordita Crunch! ‐ [both] No, Stella, bad!
‐ Bad, Stella, no! ‐ Stella, that's very bad!
‐ Okay, you know, it is time to go to bed. ‐ No!
‐ I will read you memes until you fall asleep.
[whispering] She's gonna be a nightmare tomorrow.
[sighs]
[power switch clangs]
[metallic rattling]
‐ What's happening?
‐ [cart creaking] ‐ Just breathe.
You're going to be fine. It's just a tiny secret
that will destroy a relationship and a marriage.
‐ Oh, I can't tell her. It's gonna be too painful.
‐ It's gonna come out, one way or the other.
‐ But I'm not ready yet.
‐ Jules, you have to push, okay? Push.
‐ Ruin! As in you're gonna ruin Madison's life.
‐ Please, I don't wanna do this. I'm scared.
‐ Now, now, it's gonna be okay.
‐ No!
‐ Are you okay?
You're gonna wake up Stella. I just got her down.
Wait... Wait, this is negative.
‐ Oh... It is?
‐ Yeah. You're not pregnant.
Okay, what is going on?
‐ Uh, I... must have read it wrong.
‐ [stammering] What, you read it wrong? It says "not pregnant."
‐ Um... You know, it's getting so late.
‐ Jules, we're not gonna not talk about this.
‐ It's nothing. ‐ No, you lied about being pregnant all night.
It's obviously something. What is going on? Tell me.
‐ I can't. ‐ Jules!
‐ Colin's married!
‐ Yeah, I know that.
He's separated.
‐ No... he's still married.
To Celeste.
‐ Celeste? Like...
Like your boss?
Wait, no! No, no, no! [stammering] I've always said
I didn't wanna know who his ex‐wife was.
It was my decision not to know.
‐ This is what I'm trying to tell you. They're not getting a divorce.
They're not even separated. ‐ No, that's impossible.
‐ I know it's crazy, but he doesn't come with her to any events,
and they have a second place downtown where‐‐
‐ She's obviously lying. ‐ I don't think so.
‐ Jules, she's lying.
She's ashamed that he left her, so she's lying.
‐ Madison, I saw him at the beach house.
‐ Just stop! Look, I have no idea why you're doing this.
What is wrong with you?
‐ What's wrong with me?
This has nothing to do with me. I'm trying to tell you the truth.
‐ Oh, the truth. Like your fake fucking baby you've had all night?
‐ Look, I know how heartbroken you must be right now.
‐ Oh, yeah, and you'd be the expert on that, wouldn't you?
Considering Jeremy dumped you, which is the only reason
you started hanging out with me again in the first place.
‐ Madison, please don't lash out at me because I'm trying to follow the rules
of whatever girl code you're constantly telling me about.
I'm just trying to do what you're supposed to do in this situation.
I mean, do you think this was easy for me?
‐ Oh, I'm sorry all these rules were such a burden for you, Jules.
How dare I try to help you make connections with people
instead of sitting at home!
You know what? Consider yourself officially off the hook.
JULES: I'm not trying to be off the hook, but you make it so hard sometimes.
I'm just... I'm just... You're trying to push me away right now.
‐ You know, you're right. You know, maybe this is too hard.
Maybe we should both stop trying to make you into something you are never going to be.
‐ Oh, what's that?
‐ A real friend.
♪ Rihanna playing "Stay" ♪
[door opens, closes]
♪ Not really sure how to feel about it ♪
♪ Something in the way you move ♪
♪ Makes me feel like I can't live without you and ♪
♪ Takes me all the way ♪
♪ I want you to stay ♪
♪ Won't you stay? ♪
♪ Round ♪
♪ And around and around ♪
♪ And around we go ♪
♪ On now, tell me now ♪
♪ Tell me now ♪
♪ Tell me now you know ♪
♪ Whoo‐ooh‐ooh ♪
♪ Reason I hold on... ♪