pulsing, energetic music
[Dani] How'd it go with Nat?
Did she give us permission to live together?
She didn't say no.
She just said she wants to know you better.
Are you dating me or her?
Oh, my. Daniela...
I think I'm gonna go back to school.
[Sophie] I mean, wow, that's incredible.
[Angie] Are you breaking up with me?
Worst first night of college ever.
[Kayla] I mean, you're single and in L.A.
Ooh.
This could be, like, my ho phase.
[Shane] You and me, let's open that second bar.
I'll do anything with you.
Oh, no. You've got the itch.
What itch?
[Alice] Things get too real,
you get restless,
and then you start to, like, wiggle.
Please. I don't wiggle.
I need to go.
[Alice and Bette] Yes.
[Bette] I need to go! Oh, my God.
[Tina] You're... you're not thinking clearly.
You love it here.
You love your friends and your job.
[Bette] That's true.
That's all true, but I love you more.
Please, may I come with you?
No, they just have something real, you know.
That would be nice.
[Daniela] I'm sorry for reacting
the way I did earlier.
I love you.
I don't find trouble, yeah
Trouble finds me
[sirens wailing]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[indistinct radio chatter]
You look good,
but we should bring you in for observation.
[Gigi] Okay. Thank you so much.
[paramedic] White female, conscious,
presenting with head injuries...
Hi.
Hey, you.
gentle music
-Whoa. -That's my face.
-Sorry. -Mm.
I think I might have just pressed glass into your skin.
You've always been good in crisis.
-Yeah. -[paramedic] Sorry, ma'am.
[Dani] Hey, I'm looking for my girlfriend.
-[paramedic] Yeah, she's there. -[Dani] Oh, thank you.
Hey.
Hey, I got here as fast as I could.
Great.
Oh, my God.
-Are you okay? -I am okay.
[Nat] I'll just wait outside.
-Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. -Sorry.
I'll be right back, okay?
Nat?
[Dani sighs]
Uh, thank you for getting here
-as fast as you did. -Oh.
Yeah, I'm her emergency contact,
so I had a head start.
Oh, well, that's...
Which we should change, you know?
It should be you.
Right.
[paramedic] Only one of you can ride.
Oh, that-that's me.
Yeah.
[Nat] Well, call me if you need anything.
I'll be around.
"Trouble's Comin'" by Rayelle
It's going down, down, down
You can feel it all around, round, round
Ain't no way to stop it now, now, now
Better start running
Running, running
[stage bell ringing]
[Alice] Can you believe
they let me make this show a hundred times?
Yes. It's gonna be a great show.
Oh, my God, the dating show segment?
-Yeah. -Genius.
Thank you. The flowers look great.
And all the contestants have been vetted, right?
Yes.
Okay, 'cause I'm looking for the one.
Right. No cults, no mixed martial arts and...
[assistant] What do you think?
-Yes. -[assistant] You got it.
...no improvisers of any kind.
Yeah, that last one's very important.
-[sighs] -What if this really works?
I mean, what if I find my person?
-Oh, my God! Yeah. -Wouldn't it be amazing?
-Soso and Allyce? -That's us.
I'm sorry if I'm butchering those.
My coworker Kim here got bit by a pig at her family reunion
and her thumb hasn't been the same.
-Oh, sorry about your thumb. -[Kim] Thanks.
Right, well, I'll see you out there.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh! You. Alice.
Uh, yeah, that's me. [chuckles]
[Taylor] Yeah, I mean,
I guess I shouldn't be surprised given where I am,
I mean, physically...
-Oh, in the... -Here. Yeah.
-Yeah. Lines up. -Yeah.
'Cause the show's called Alice...
Hang on.
I can add a little something special here.
Kim usually does the latte art,
but I'll give it my best shot.
Ta-da.
-Oh, you made a, um... -I can do a heart,
but that just felt a little obvious,
so I went with chaos.
Or a little modern art.
[chuckling] It was nice to meet you.
-Yeah, you, too. -Good luck on the show.
Oh, are you gonna stay and watch?
[Taylor] No, no, no, no.
Um, I'll have to overanalyze this conversation
for like two hours, so...
Why? It's going so well.
[laughs]
No, you should stay and watch.
It's-it's nice to have real fans in the audience
and not just confused tourists who think
they're here to see Ellen.
[chuckling] Sold.
Okay, great.
slow, wistful music
[door opens]
[door closes]
-Hey. -Hey.
Going to the new bar. Want to break some shit?
-Uh... yeah. -Yeah?
That actually sounds like a dream come true.
[Shane] Let's go.
[Finley] Holy shit.
-[Shane] Let's have some fun. - "Pony" by Ginuwine
I'm just a bachelor
I'm looking for a partner
Someone who knows how to ride
Without even falling off
Got to be compatible
Takes me to my limits
Girl, when I break you off
I promise that you won't wanna get off
If you're horny
Let's do it, ride it, my pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
If you're horny, let's do it
Ride it, my pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
[grunting]
Hey.
[panting]
You think I'd be, like, good at school?
[panting] What?
You know, like, college.
I don't know. Were you any good before?
-No, not really. -[door opens]
Yes, I love that place. I'll meet you there. Um...
Sorry, can you hold on just one second.
Um, hi. What the hell do the two of you think you're doing?
We don't start demo until tomorrow.
[Shane] I know. I know, I know, I know,
but we got a head start, and look how much we got done.
I mean, check that out.
Come on. Come on, have a whack.
It's a maj stress reliever. Have a whack.
No, Finley, I don't want to give it a whack.
All right. Your loss.
Oh, shit! Fuck!
Okay.
I'm gonna stop the water.
I got it! I got it!
Finley, go around the corner.
It's not a big deal, Tess.
-Truly. Just calm down. -You there?
Yeah, actually, can you meet me here?
Great, I'm gonna text you the address right now.
Okay, bye.
This is exactly why
you should not be fucking around in here.
-It's just... -[Tess] I have got so much
on my plate already and now, this.
-Tess, it's just an accident. -You're gonna have to tell Alice
that I can't make it tonight
because I'm gonna be here waiting for a plumber.
[Shane] Why? No, no, no.
I can help with that.
Your help is how this happened. So thanks, but no thanks.
[Shane sighs]
[panting] All right, then.
I should just stay out of your way then.
Hmm?
-Yeah. -Yeah, I will.
[sighs] Oh, my God.
slow, tranquil music
[Sophie] Did you get the chocolate fountain?
[Dani] Yup. Whatever Alice wants, I'll make it happen.
It's her show. [chuckles]
-Oh, yeah. -Okay, leaving now.
-All right, see you there. -Bye.
Hi and bye.
Have you seen my other earring? Is it in the bathroom?
I didn't see it.
Mm. I'm sorry. [kisses]
Just borrow a pair of mine.
Your car's gonna be here at 3:00.
He's usually a little early, so...
-[Gigi] Okay. -[knock on door]
Not that early.
Oh, it's...
Nat.
-Hi. -Hi.
Um...
Sorry, what are you... what are you doing here?
Oh, hi. Uh, Gigi just called me.
Oh.
I can't get ready on my own,
and I didn't want you to be late.
Yeah. [chuckles]
Happy to help.
-Right. -Yeah.
No. Sure, that's great.
[chuckles]
Yeah. Um, I will...
see you... both
at Alice's show later then?
[Nat] Oh, yeah.
I will be there.
Margaret Cho is on my bucket list.
-[chuckles] Not to... -Great.
...fuck, just meet.
-Sure. Right. Um... -[chuckles]
All right. I love you.
Love you.
Bye!
[door opens]
-Hi! -Hi.
-How are you doing? -[door closes]
Uh, I feel like shit.
-[chuckles] -But I'm on a lot of drugs.
-Nice. -No, I'm good.
Honestly... [stammers] I've had five days off.
I can't remember the last time I had five days off.
Oh. Well, I actually do remember.
Yeah, it was when you got hand, foot and mouth from the kids,
and I don't think you went out in public for, like, a week.
Okay, fine.
Last time was when I had hand, foot and mouth.
Yeah.
Do you want to talk about...
...what happened the other night?
No.
-[laughing] -All right. [chuckles]
I mean, honestly, it was...
it was nothing.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-Right? -Mm. Yes.
slow, somber music
Yeah, no, no. It's-it's good, Mom, I swear.
Jordi's just... having trouble with boundaries
and, like, texting me a lot.
But I'm fine, you know?
I'm-I'm excited for class, you know?
I feel like it's, um...
a fresh start, you know?
Okay. I love you.
Yes. Yes, yes, it's on my keychain.
Okay. I love you. Bye.
[soft chatter]
Hey, y'all! Um, my name is Samuel Hendrix.
I am your professor.
We're gonna investigate our own individual creativity, 'kay?
Um, I am a poet,
a songwriter, a lousy piano player
and I wrote a book once.
That therefore qualifies me
to be your Introduction to Creative Writing instructor.
-Welcome, y'all. -[chuckling]
-Okay... -[whispers] Fuck me.
So...
we're gonna...
we're gonna jump right in.
-Hey! -Hey!
-Happy 100th. -[gasps]
The chart.
-Right? -Oh!
God, where it all began.
Just a reminder of your humble beginnings.
I love it. Let's hang it.
Take that down. I can't stand this picture.
I did your hair for that.
Well, I like my hair. I just...
This is better.
[Shane] Right?
[Alice] Love it!
-Ugh. Oh-- -Do you still talk to her?
-No. No, no. -She was really cute.
Um, Bette and Tina got me
-those flowers. -That's nice.
-Pretty. -Glad they're making it work.
Mm. Tom got me a basket of Bic pens.
-That's odd. -Well, you know, I turned down
-the marriage proposal. -Right.
But he's still able to be a good friend.
Or he's still hoping.
[sighs]
Honestly, either way is fine.
Is this for me, too?
-What? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. -This one.
That's just my old hair products.
Oh. Yeah, I don't want that.
I know you don't, but Ivy does.
And I figured I'd give 'em to her, so...
Okay.
Do you know where I can find her?
-Yeah. Over here. -[clears throat]
You two really hit it off the other night.
-No, it was just work. -Mm.
Where's Tess?
Unfortunately, she's not able to make it.
So she wanted me to send you her love.
Well, I'm sorry she's gonna miss it.
Me, too.
Oh. Real quick--
don't sit in the front.
I don't want to give too much away,
but there is a lube slip-and-slide.
It might get a little messy.
How do you come up with this shit?
Okay, so, VIPs are gonna hang
-in the Alice lounge. -Huh.
I got this queer winemaker to sponsor it.
Um, the list is getting pretty long though,
so I'm thinking we do overflow in the greenroom.
All right, that sounds... good.
I mean, that'll work.
-Um... -Oh, hey, how's Gigi?
Uh, you know, ribs take a while to heal.
But other than that, she's fine.
Okay. Well, hey, um... [clicks tongue]
when's she's feeling better,
why don't you guys come over for dinner?
-With me and Finley. -Uh...
M-Maybe.
Ouch.
I said maybe.
-Come on. -[scoffs]
-This bitch. - Didn't see that coming
Didn't see that coming
There's also, I think, like, a pipe or something
-rattling in the ceiling. -Okay.
Could be animals.
-Rats. -[Finley] Uh-oh.
I stopped feeding 'em.
Okay, I'm gonna check everything out.
Okay, great. Thank you.
If you need anything from me, just come
and find me. I'll be here all day.
-Sounds great. -'Kay.
Tess, please don't stay here.
I'm the one that broke the pipe.
I know, but--
Listen, you shouldn't have to stay with the plumber.
I-I want to. Really. Please?
[stammers] No, it's fine.
My sponsee's already on the way and--
I got the highlighter. I got the book.
-I know the AA deal. -[chuckles softly]
-I can't ask you to do that. -No,
you're not asking.
Please?
I want to.
Let me make this right.
Come on. Go be with Shane.
I was...
way harsh on her earlier.
soft, somber music
[indistinct chatter]
[Hendrix] Next week's gonna be a deep dive into structure,
so be ready for that.
Also, if you want to hear some great writing,
my buddy is doing a reading at the campus bookstore.
Hi, excuse me. Will you just wait one second?
-Yeah. -Um, yeah, that's it.
Um, hi.
Uh, I have a quick question for you.
[quietly] Um...
it is you, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew it was you. [laughs]
[laughs] Hi!
Um, yes, I just--
I wanted to say I'm sorry about...
like, kissing you the other night.
Um, just please know that won't, like, ever happen again.
I had just broken up with my first girlfriend
who I was in love with, and my moms are, like,
getting back together, which is, like, a whole thing.
And it's my-- it's my first week of college.
Anyway, I just want you to know
if-if you want me to, like, drop your class, I totally will.
I'm happy you're in my class.
Okay.
Okay. Great.
I'll see you next week?
See ya.
lighthearted music
[chuckles]
[stage manager] Give Alice five.
[assistant] I thought you gave Wardrobe ten.
Yeah, but we got to give Alice five so she gets here on time.
-Oh, gotcha. -[Shane] No, no, it's yours.
Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
-You don't need to thank me. -Five minutes.
That was collecting dust in my garage.
What?
This is literally liquid gold.
Y'all hear that? Nobody touch my shit.
-This is a no-fly zone. -[hairdresser] Okay, okay.
[announcer] 15 minutes, everyone.
15 minutes till showtime.
All right, I'm gonna go get my seat.
You don't want to hang back here?
This is where all the fun is.
"All Diamonds" by Nightgames
I'll find a place
For myself...
[comedian] I feel lots of love here, people.
-[Dani] Okay. -[comedian] Uh-huh.
-You know what time it is. -All right, can I get you
any water or anything? You want some...
Oh, I heard there was champagne.
[audience whooping, laughing]
No, you're-- I mean, you're probably busy. I-I could get it.
-[Dani] No, I-I can get it. -You're so busy.
I will get it.
-You sure? Okay. -Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How you feeling?
-You okay? -I'm fine.
-Go do your thing. -Okay.
Well, the show starts in ten,
if you need anything before then.
[Nat] Oh! I do.
Uh, these are for Alice.
Yeah. I wanted
to get her flowers, but the lady by the side
of the freeway only had oranges today, so...
there you go.
S-So you got oranges?
[chuckles] Okay.
-Yep. -Wonderful.
I'll see she gets these.
-Thanks. -Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I feel like she didn't think that was funny.
-I wouldn't take it personally. -[chuckles]
'Kay.
You got some fluff in your hair.
Oh.
-Thanks. -Mm-hmm.
Got it?
Hair's looking healthy.
You finally using new products?
Yeah, actually.
It's, uh, called Grape Jelly by Eli.
Yeah, it's applied by just flinging it across the table.
-[chuckles] -It's in high demand.
I'll try and get you his number.
[snorts softly]
[audience laughing]
I saw you when I got hit.
Yeah, I-I can't believe how fast I was able to get there.
No.
The way they say your life flashes before your eyes.
I saw you and the kids.
My family.
soft, sentimental music
I'm sure it was just... the adrenaline.
-You know? That's all. -[Dani] Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
[comedian] What are they?
That's right.
Um, she didn't bring you a glass.
No. [laughs]
You know what? That's okay. Actually,
I think I have a reusable straw in here.
-[chuckles softly] -Let's see.
upbeat, funky music
Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Whoo! Let's take it from the top now
Take it from the top...
Finley?
-Hi! -Hi.
-Carrie, right? -Yes, hi.
-Hi, how are you? -I'm good.
-Nice to meet you. -Thank you. You, too.
You know, Tess described you so perfectly.
-Oh. -She said, "Leonardo DiCaprio
from Romeo + Juliet."
And with the hair and everything, I totally see it.
Wow, that is weirdly the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.
Wow.
God, I must be on some kind of gender journey, huh?
Yeah. I wouldn't know enough about that to say.
-[chuckles softly] -So what do we do?
Uh, yeah, sit down.
-Right here? -Yeah.
Okay.
Wait, so how do you know Tess?
I hit rock bottom. I went on a bender.
That's when Tess became my sponsor.
So, I'm here
to tell you about the tsunami of depression that...
kicked my ass after I found out
that my fiancée got back with her ex.
-Shit. [inhales sharply] -Yeah.
Well, we got this puppy to guide us.
-So, silver lining. -Okay. Right.
-Yeah, it can't hurt, right? -Yeah.
But, listen, I got to hit the head first.
I, like, pounded, like, a gallon of iced tea on the way here.
Course. Uh, the water's out in here,
but right around the corner is Dana's.
Pop in there, there's a bathroom.
Okay, great. And, listen, I got a free sub with my punch card.
If you want one, take it.
Oh, sweet. Thanks.
What-what is it?
Uh, it's turkey and cheese, no dressing.
I don't like wet bread.
[door opens]
Copy that.
[door closes]
Kegel and hold. Kegel and hold.
Don't sneeze.
Oh, no. Don't sneeze.
Okay.
Almost there.
Oh, occupied!
-Oh, geez! -Oh.
-Oh, my, oh... -Oh, my God.
-Oh, boy. Oh, boy. -No, no, no, no, no, oh, my God.
Oh, my God, let me look at it.
-Oh, it's really coming out. -Is it? Oh, no.
There's no, um, toilet paper.
-[laughs] You... -Oh, my God.
-Oh, it hurts when I laugh. -Oh, my God.
Oh, it's in my mouth. I taste the blood.
-What do we do? -Oh, I have an idea.
-Come here, come over here. -I need something.
Come over here, come over here.
[Misty] Okay, it's working.
It feels okay, actually.
-It looks amazing. -Thank you.
[both laughing]
Okay. Um, this one?
-Yes? -I'm going to take it out,
because it was kind of really bleeding,
so I'm gonna stick a new one in.
-Okay. Right. -Okay?
Okay, here we go. You ready?
-Go. Gentle. -Okay.
Don't freak out, don't freak out.
[exhales] We did it.
Oh, I can breathe again.
-Not for long. -You got it?
-I'm going to jam it slowly... -Oh? Yeah, that's nice.
-You okay? -Not too hard.
-You good? -That's good.
-[chuckles] Okay. -Thank you.
-Looks good. -My name's Carrie.
-I'm Misty. -It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, yeah.
You do well under pressure.
It's a good thing I know so much about leaky pipes, I guess.
-Right. -Yeah.
Holy shit, what the hell happened?
-It's a long story. -Yes, it is.
Yeah, we're all good, though.
-Yeah, we're good. Yeah. -Yeah. Don't worry.
Oh, there's, like, no toilet paper
in this whole entire bathroom.
Oh, that's actually my fault.
I, um, yeah, I was supposed to do that.
-[Misty] Okay. -Are you sure you're good?
-Yeah, yeah. We're good. -We're good.
-You're good. -We're good.
[clears throat] Okay...
Ooh, la, la...
[Sophie] All right, contestants, are you ready?
Here are your microphones, all right?
You're gonna talk into them like this,
-blah, blah, blah. -[clattering]
-Wait a minute. -Somebody cut her off.
Where's contestant number three?
[slurring] Are these Beyond Beef,
or are these the real deal?
[assistant] Guys, just be aware of what's going on.
[muttering] Anybody-- you don't know.
Mmm... [slurping]
[gasps softly] Fuck my life.
[exhales]
[Alice] You know, I'm much better with emotional ties.
[audience laughing]
This feels a little more literal.
[laughter]
But it does remind me a lot of a relationship I was in once.
Oh...!
-[cheering] -[Alice] I did it!
Thank you.
[announcer] Hang tight, everyone.
15 minutes until the next segment.
There's nothing suspicious about anything you're doing.
What, am I not being discrete?
Uh, no. You'd be a terrible criminal.
Oh, please. I could commit crimes.
Yeah, and not get away with it.
That's just mean. It's mean and it's wrong.
[quietly] I could... kill.
[chuckling] Or maybe pillage something.
Can I tell you something?
Mm-hmm.
I keep trying to understand what I was feeling in that moment.
Like, what it means that I saw you.
Do you think it means anything?
Are you smizing at me?
Smizing?
From Top Model?
[chuckling]
Can you please stop making me laugh?
-My ribs are bruised. -What? What do you watch?
My ribs are bruised.
Well, stop saying ridiculous things.
You're the one being ridiculous.
Um, actually, you're the one with a head injury.
You were concussed and now you're drinking on painkillers,
so I'm pretty sure you're not thinking straight.
Safe to say.
-We met at 18. -I know.
-Well, you were 19. -No, you're older than me.
-No, I'm not. -Yes, you are.
-I-I always mix that up. -I know, I don't understand.
-You were 18? -Yes.
[Nat chuckles]
gentle music
[chuckles]
-Dani, Dani, Dani! -Thank you so much.
-Dani, I need a favor. -Thank you.
Why don't you carry your own tampons?
-What? No. I... -Hi.
I-I lost a contestant for the dating game,
and I need someone.
Can you please do it for me?
[stammering] It's in six, six minutes.
No. I have to go get Billie Jean off the red carpet.
She won't stop smiling for the cameras.
You do it. You got it. Go.
God! Why are you the worst?
slow, dramatic music
[announcer] All right, everyone in the audience,
we are gonna start in just a few minutes.
-Please take your seats. -[applause]
intriguing music
You know, your timing could not have been more perfect, really.
Well, I'm just glad it's getting put to some good use.
[Ivy] You know, I think I need, like,
a little bit of a revamp.
I've just been on those dating apps.
Like, they're terrible.
-Oh, those dating apps... yeah. -Absolutely terrifying.
Yeah. And I've been out the game for like... two years.
-Two years, huh? -Yeah.
-I had a kid. -I know you had a kid.
You mentioned that when I met you.
You don't seem like the type that wants to see pictures
so I'm not gonna show you.
I'd see, I'd see it if you'd like to show it to me.
-Oh, yeah? -I'm not against it.
Okay. [chuckles]
She is everything
and she has also sucked me dry.
I just don't feel like myself all the way, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah. [clears throat] I can relate to that.
I think I need to get back on the horse.
I think you're gonna do just fine.
Hi, guys. I need a favor. Um...
Can you get her ready in, like, four minutes?
-She's not talking to me. -We'll do it.
-Yeah. -Oh, my God, amazing.
-Okay, sit down. -Hi.
-What's your name?
-Taylor. -Hi, Taylor.
I'm Ivy, this is Shane.
-Hey, Taylor. -Hey.
Yeah, we're gonna take really good care of you.
Do you have any do's, any don'ts?
Uh, just no red lipstick.
My mom subjected me to pageants as a toddler,
so it's very triggering.
Okay. Take it away. Do your thing.
Taylor.
-[chuckles softly] -May I?
Yeah.
[producer] And we're rolling.
[applause and cheering]
[Alice] Welcome back to my 100th episode.
As many of you know, I'm currently single,
so I figured what better way to meet someone,
than on TV in front of a studio audience?
-[laughter] -So to help me out today,
we've brought the original bisexual comedienne,
a woman who has paved the way for so many of us,
my first crush, my friend, Margaret Cho!
[cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
Hey!
Thank you!
Oh, this is so exciting.
So, you know how this works, we have some contestants,
we're gonna ask them some questions.
Alice is gonna decide
amongst three candidates who's best, right?
Yes, well, you're going to help me.
[Margaret] I'm gonna be making some snide commentary
-from over here... -[laughter]
It's gonna be so fabulous.
-I'm so excited. -Sounds dreamy.
-Let's start. Okay. -I love it.
[cheering]
Okay.
Contestant number one,
tell me about yourself.
-Hi, Alice. -Oh.
-Ooh, that is a deep baritone. -Okay.
I'm into it.
I'm from a small town in Montana,
where rush hour is a moose in the road.
Oh, this is gonna be simple.
Um, Ivy, can you grab me
that product in your bag?
Yeah, I just want to see what it is.
No.
Uh, just find a nice backdrop outside or something.
Get singles, get groups. I need options.
Thank you. Hi.
Everything looks so good.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go home.
Oh, it's early. Are you feeling okay?
Yes, but I just really want to get back.
Okay, okay. I'll call you a car.
No, no, no. Don't worry about it.
Nat's going to take me.
[sighs heavily]
What's going on?
What do you mean?
I mean, what's going on with you and Nat?
-Nothing is going on. -Okay.
-We can talk more later. -No.
I'd like to talk about it now.
[Alice] Contestant number one,
why don't you tell me how you spend your days?
I'm a veterinarian for a nonprofit
that rescues animals from natural disasters.
[audience] Aww.
[laughs] He's perfect.
Definitely a serial killer.
[laughing] Agreed.
Okay, let's move on to contestant number two.
Can you beat the butt-dialing rescue vet from Montana?
-I'll try. -[gasps]
Um, I was born in India, raised in New York.
Uh, I run a cold storage start-up for NFTs.
[Margaret] Oh.
-Cold storage for NFTs? -I have no idea what that means.
-[laughter] -[Margaret] Number two,
what is the most embarrassing thing
that's ever happened to you?
The most embarrassing thing
that's happened to me was I threw up in the front car
of a roller coaster, on a first date.
-[audience] Ooh... -[Margaret] Wow.
[Shane] Looks great.
[Taylor] I don't know why
I have to be on TV right now, but...
All right, we're done. Let's go, we got to go, we got to go.
-Come on. -Okay, okay.
Oh, wait, don't forget this.
You want a girl that can just, you know,
really go up...
-And down. Yeah. -...and go down.
-[laughter] -We like that...
[Shane] All right, good luck, have fun.
-She looks great. -She does, yeah.
ALICE: Okay, contestant number three.
Same question.
-Number three? -Don't be shy.
[Margaret] Don't be shy, number three.
-Okay, go answer the question. -[Margaret] Number three?
Okay, okay. What's the question?
Say something funny about yourself.
Um. Something, um... I'm, uh...
Something funny about me?
I'm from Normal, Illinois.
[Alice] That's more of a fact than a joke,
but, okay, I'll play.
What's so normal about it?
[Margaret] And would I fit in?
Um, uh, the people,
I-I guess, make it normal, um...
That voice sounds so familiar.
So, number three, what's the most embarrassing thing
that's ever happened to you?
I mean, well, this moment
-would have to be up there. -[laughter]
And, number three,
who is your hero, and why?
Oh, gosh, um... was it animal or human?
-[laughter] -Aw, that's so cute.
upbeat, energetic music
-All right, I got one for you. -What's that?
One time, after a bottle of Goldschläger, remember that?
One-way bus ticket, Kansas City to L.A.
Just picked up everything and moved.
God, I hate moving.
It's like the worst thing in the world to me.
Yeah, but at least I used to do stuff.
It's like, being sober
makes it harder to make those moves, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Like, I've got a whole list of shit I just haven't done.
Really, like what?
I mean, I got this college application.
It's been saved on my desktop for months.
It's due at midnight,
and I just, like, I can't pull the trigger.
[Carrie] Well, you got to do that
or you're gonna regret it your whole life, you know?
[Misty] Okay.
So everything's done.
Um, if you have any problems, your boss has my info.
Again, I'm-I'm really sorry about everything.
-Yeah. -Really, the nose and, you know.
But the tampons worked. Your nose looks perfect.
[Carrie] I think it looks better than when I came in.
-[laughs] It was fun, so... -Yeah.
You know, it was-- it wasn't good,
but it was good, you know?
-Right. Okay. -All right.
-Bye. It's, um... -[Misty] Yeah, sorry.
Good night.
You like her.
I don't know her.
You ask her out, I'll send in
-my college application. -[door closes]
Deal.
-Wait, what? -Deal.
No, I was fucking around!
-No, you send that shit. -Fuck.
Wow, she's doing it. Okay.
[sputters]
upbeat, energetic music
Okay. [sighs]
Holy shit, I did it.
-I did it. Did you do it? -I did it.
-[screams] -I did it!
-[laughing] -Can you believe it?
-No! -Thursday night.
-You got a date. -Well, no.
-It's not actually a date. -What is it?
I sort of joined her bowling league.
I'm the newest member of
"I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter."
[chuckles softly] You know what?
Playing the long game. I'll take it.
[radio playing]
Okay.
Mama, Gloria,
I'm heading out now.
Don't be late, Deb, I've got a shift at 8:00.
Mama, it's me.
Remember, your sister Deb is in Florida.
Oh, right.
You never should've married him.
[radio announcer] Speaking of songs of yesterday,
here's Carly Simon with her hit, "You Belong to Me."
["You Belong to Me" by Carly Simon playing]
[Patty] This is my song.
Oh, my God.
[laughs] She used to blast this song
in the car when she would drive me to school.
Were you looking for my reaction?
Like, lean out the window smoking cigarettes.
It would piss all the other moms off so much.
I believe it.
Carly Simon once bummed a cigarette from me.
You never told me that. That is so cool!
There's certain things a mother should never tell her daughter.
[both laughing]
Come dance with me, come on.
I would love to.
You belong to me
Tell her, tell her you were fooling
You belong to me
You don't even know her
You belong to me
Tell her that I love you
You belong to me
[Shane] So you've been working here how long?
Like six, seven months... ish?
-Really? -Yeah.
-Surprised I hadn't met you. -Well, you didn't look.
-I didn't know. -Oh, okay.
[chuckles]
You know, it didn't take you that long to, like,
jump right back in.
-And you did that, so... -No, no, no, no, don't--
You can't give me that kind of credit.
I was-- I was following your lead.
Mm.
"Bad" by Azure
Come with me.
[door closes]
Red wine stained keys, a melody
Suffocation of a broken heart
Violently sweet, till I bleed
Your cigarettes, they linger on my mouth
Oh, I never should have let you call me baby
It burns every time I hear it lately
I've come undone
Oh, I never thought I'd drown in your ocean eyes
A part of me lives on your bedside
I don't know why I want you so bad
Can't get you out of my head
Maybe I'm crazy 'cause I don't care if you hate me
I don't know why I want you so bad
Can't get you out of my head
Maybe I'm crazy 'cause I don't care if you hate me
I don't know why I want you so bad
Don't know why I want you so bad
So, what-what is going on between you two?
Nothing.
I can feel it, okay?
On the ambulance, our lips touched.
[stammers] It was nothing.
-It was an accident. -Are you trying to hurt me?
Of course I'm not trying to hurt you.
Okay, then, what we have is good.
Why are you doing this?
We have a good thing.
I'm just...
I'm confused.
You're confused?
When I... got hit...
...I saw Nat and the kids.
And not me.
I don't know what it means. That's why I'm telling you.
What are you saying to me right now?
[sighs] I don't know, I need time.
Okay. You take your time.
I'm done.
[Taylor] And this all happened in the backseat
of the family Astro van.
[audience laughing]
Oh, shit. Um, you know what?
Uh, Miss Cho, could you actually just forget I said that?
Oh, contestant three,
I don't think I can unring that bell.
There's no shame in masturbating in the back of your family's car
as long as your family's not there.
[Margaret] No shame at all, three. No shame.
-For me there is a little. -[bell tinkling]
Oh, you know what that bell means,
we have time for one last question.
-What do you think, Alice? -I think I'm ready.
-Okay. -It's very simple.
[Margaret] Yes.
Why do you want to date me?
What's not to love?
Aww!
Smart, sexy and beautiful. The full package.
[audience murmuring]
We should do this every episode.
[audience laughing]
Uh, well, they promised me
a coffee mug if I did the show, so...
[loud laughter]
The free mug?
[laughing] Wow. What do you say, Alice?
Loveable, full package, free mug.
And unlike women's reproductive rights in America,
this choice is entirely yours.
-[murmured agreements] -[Alice sighs]
I don't know, Margaret. They're all so dateable.
[audience yelling numbers]
Mm... There's one person
that I would like to get to know better.
Contestant three, I choose you!
-[confetti popping] -[cheering]
[Margaret] Contestant three, come on down.
Two and one,
uh, meet me in my dressing room.
-You. -It's me.
-[laughs] -The coffee stand.
Yeah.
You're funny.
[chuckles] For a regular gal. Yeah.
[Margaret] All right.
We're here, we're queer!
And we have love.
-Love is love is love! -Love it.
Until the Supreme Court takes that away from us, too.
[laughter, cheering]
And pee after sex, everyone, don't forget!
Thank you so much for having me, Alice, thank you.
Good night, everyone!
Are you okay?
No.
You can sleep on my couch, if you want.
No, I'm fine on my own.
[sighs] But you should really let me drive.
Oh, don't worry, I only had a couple sips.
I just mean you're a really bad driver.
[Dani] Fuck you! Fuck you!
-[Nat] Whoa! -[Gigi] Jesus, what is--
What is that?
-[Gigi] Can you please drive? -Fuck you!
-They're my oranges! -Yeah, go!
-[Gigi] Can you please drive? -[Nat] Those are a gift!
-Nat, could you please drive? -[Nat] I spent $20 on them.
I understand, could you please--?
-That was for my ex! Our ex. -Jesus.
[tires screeching]
[groans]
[pants]
slow, dramatic music
slow, funky music
[Sophie] ...so much.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Good job.
-[sighs] - Been feeling defeated
Oh, no...
Hey.
What the hell happened to you?
This is the second time
that the person I wanted to marry ran off with someone else.
Ha ha.
Oh... orange?
-Yeah. Thanks. -Mm-hmm.
[grunts]
Don't fall down, baby, don't fall down
Don't fall, just...
-Hey, you're gonna be okay. -Mm.
You got this. You'll bounce back.
You... [chuckles]
You're the most together person I know.
[scoffs] Not anymore.
-Turns out, that's you. -[laughs]
I don't... mm, I don't know about that.
You're crushing at work.
Made it through rehab with Finley.
Been going through changes
Oh...
Hey, um,
I was just gonna grab my stuff and go home. [chuckles]
-Yeah. Me, too. -[clears throat]
Threw it all away
Everyone makes mistakes, yeah
Oh, no, don't fall down...
Hey, uh...
You want to come over?
Don't fall down, baby, don't fall down...
Um... Are you...?
Are you trying to get back together with me right now?
-[laughing] -Because, um...
No. No, no.
Not a fucking chance.
Yeah. I'll see you at the house then.
-Okay. -Yeah.
See you later.
Things are gonna get better
I was, like, this close to falling.
[laughing] I was like...
-Hey! We did it! -[cheering]
[whooping]
Great job, everybody. Great job.
[upbeat music playing]
Hey!
Are you-are you leaving?
The party's just getting started.
Yeah, yeah, I'm just gonna head home.
You don't want to cash in on that big date?
[laughs]
-Really, no, it's-it's okay. -Oh.
I mean, hey, I-I got the free mug.
They threw in two extra T-shirts, so...
-Nice. -I'm good.
Yeah, that's enough.
-Hey, listen... -Yeah?
...really, congratulations on everything.
I mean, you should be really proud of all of it.
Big chef's kiss for you and your big night.
Um, you're not regular.
Yes, I am. [chuckles]
Well, so am I.
There's a 45-foot picture of you outside.
Okay, I've been you.
A long time ago, I dated someone famous
when I wasn't, so I know it's different.
But I'm just a person.
And I like your weird sense of humor.
You know, that's, that's not the compliment
I think you think it is.
And you're cute.
Well, you know, I can't speak to that one so much, so...
Come on, one date. One regular date.
What do you say? Just...
You can keep the T-shirts.
[chuckles]
I don't know about the mug.
[laughing]
I cannot believe I missed Alice in a straitjacket.
-[laughing] -I know, and that Velcro target?
Oh, my God, that was a hit.
-It was so good. -[shrieks] I'm sure.
-[laughs] -Oh.
[Sophie] Well, um, yeah, I think
-Shane's backstage somewhere-- -Hey, Tess.
You showed up.
-Hi. -Hi.
Yeah. [kisses]
-I'm sorry I'm late. -Oh.
I would have been here sooner,
it's just my mom was having this, like,
-really amazing moment-- -It's okay, it's okay.
-Yeah, it's okay. -Okay.
Um...
I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier.
All is forgiven.
Yeah.
But I think they wrapped, didn't they, Sophie?
-[Tess] Oh. -Yeah, we wrapped.
-[Shane] Yeah. -Yeah, but there's...
there's a party.
I know, but I'm exhausted.
-Okay. -Is that okay?
Can we just go home?
That's okay, let's go home.
-You sure? -Yeah, let's go home.
I'm sorry you drove all the way over here,
-but is that all right? -No, it's fine.
Okay.
Thank you, Sophie.
[Sophie] Bye, guys, have a good night.
-Bye. -Bye, Soph.
Bye.
Great show.
Uh...
Uh, same-same to you.
'Cause I'd really, really miss ya
So cool, cool, cool, baby, shake that
You're the best in the room, you don't have to try
Show no fear when you cross the line
Even when it rains, you bring the shine...
[Micah] Hey.
[Finley] What...? What'd I say?
Relax, I'm just going to get something to drink,
go to my room,
and you can have your special night with Sophie.
-You'll be fine. -Thank you.
-I love you. -Yeah. You, too. Hey.
Hey, you know, if there's any leftovers,
that steak looks amazing.
It's chicken.
-Oh. -[door opens]
Hey.
Hey!
-[chuckles] What is this? -We're celebrating.
-We are? -Yeah.
-Your 100th episode. -Aww.
And... [kisses]
I applied to college.
Stop.
-What? [laughs] -I know.
That's amazing.
-I know. -I'm so excited for you.
So I thought we could, you know, celebrate us,
and have a little romantic dinner, and then,
-you know, maybe after... -Oh, okay.
Oh.
-Hi. -Hi. [laughs]
-Hi. -Hey. Sorry.
[quietly] I tried to call you. Gigi broke up with her.
Figured I'd come piss in your hallway for a change.
[Finley] Oh.
I mean, if that'd be helpful, by all means, please do.
Truce?
Now what I really want to do is pull you into a big old hug.
-You shouldn't do that. Yeah. -And I won't.
[gasps] Is that cake?
-Yes, it is. -[Micah] I heard Dani.
Which means it's not a date night.
-Not anymore. -I want some of that cake.
-Wait, you made cake? -[laughing] No.
I was with the, uh, plumber all day.
But I picked up tres leches,
and I also found out what the tres leches were today.
Uh, what did you think they were before?
Mmm.
Cow, goat and breast.
-Wow. -No.
[laughing]
So, you thought they put breast milk...?
Ooh, there's got to be
Something more out there for me
Ooh, I've got to keep my head up
Keep my head up
Ooh, there's nothing like
Rising up after the fight
Ooh, I've got to keep my head up