1 00:00:09,095 --> 00:00:10,845 [British announcer] Please welcome 2 00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:12,553 Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth 3 00:00:12,553 --> 00:00:14,970 and the guest of honor, the American President, 4 00:00:14,970 --> 00:00:16,011 Donald Trump. 5 00:00:16,011 --> 00:00:19,804 Wow, the two royal families together at last! 6 00:00:19,804 --> 00:00:22,053 We have so much in common -- 7 00:00:22,053 --> 00:00:24,553 inherited wealth, sexual perversion. 8 00:00:24,553 --> 00:00:26,178 Let's get this out of the way -- 9 00:00:26,178 --> 00:00:29,011 yes, I said Meghan Markle is "nasty." 10 00:00:29,011 --> 00:00:30,387 In my defense, 11 00:00:30,387 --> 00:00:33,261 every time I'm about to be a guest in someone's house, 12 00:00:33,261 --> 00:00:35,720 I get into a public feud with their granddaughter. 13 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,011 This suit is tight. 14 00:00:37,011 --> 00:00:39,720 I'm gonna have to peck my way out of it like a baby chick. 15 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,428 Today, I am honored 16 00:00:41,428 --> 00:00:44,220 to sit next to the late, great Barbara Bush. 17 00:00:44,220 --> 00:00:46,220 This is just like my semester abroad, 18 00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:49,303 only I haven't tried to Amanda Knox my roommate. 19 00:00:49,303 --> 00:00:52,845 Happy 75th D-Day anniversary, everyone. 20 00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:56,470 To celebrate, we're grabbin' our sunscreen and big umbrellas 21 00:00:56,470 --> 00:00:59,011 and headin' to Omaha Beach. 22 00:00:59,011 --> 00:01:00,261 Try to ignore Stephen Miller, 23 00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:02,929 who will be honoring the fallen on the other side. 24 00:01:02,929 --> 00:01:04,595 Ohh, I'm so fucking hot. 25 00:01:04,595 --> 00:01:06,679 We won't be honoring John McCain, 26 00:01:06,679 --> 00:01:08,762 who refused to fight in World War II 27 00:01:08,762 --> 00:01:11,053 because of the lame excuse that he was a toddler. 28 00:01:11,053 --> 00:01:13,428 Thank you to my advance team for throwing tarps 29 00:01:13,428 --> 00:01:16,220 over all the gravestones with the name "John" 30 00:01:16,220 --> 00:01:18,428 so I don't get grumpy and have a bad beach day. 31 00:01:18,428 --> 00:01:21,804 They're gonna have to cut me out of this suit over several hours 32 00:01:21,804 --> 00:01:23,345 so I don't get the bends. 33 00:01:23,345 --> 00:01:25,136 I'm so jet-lagged! 34 00:01:25,136 --> 00:01:28,387 I just wanna go back to the hotel and sleep! 35 00:01:28,387 --> 00:01:30,595 I'll be back in time for the luau! 36 00:01:30,595 --> 00:01:33,053 For the last time -- there's no luau! 37 00:01:33,053 --> 00:01:35,804 Ugh! This vacation sucks! 38 00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,970 So let's toast to our nations' eternal friendship 39 00:01:38,970 --> 00:01:43,804 as we live out this scene from a 1980s R-rated comedy called -- 40 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:46,095 I don't know -- Boner-In-Chief. 41 00:01:46,095 --> 00:01:47,470 [applause] Uh-oh. 42 00:01:47,470 --> 00:01:50,345 That drink had a bubble. Hit the deck! 43 00:01:50,345 --> 00:01:53,261 -Oh. -Oh! That is so much better. 44 00:01:53,261 --> 00:01:56,512 Uh-oh, here come the bends! 45 00:01:56,512 --> 00:01:58,637 ♪♪♪ 46 00:01:58,637 --> 00:02:01,470 Aah! Klobuchar! 47 00:02:01,470 --> 00:02:05,220 ♪♪♪ 48 00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:07,804 ♪ Three white people on a coach ♪ 49 00:02:07,804 --> 00:02:09,637 ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪ 50 00:02:09,637 --> 00:02:11,345 [Trump] The Midwest was starving 51 00:02:11,345 --> 00:02:13,095 -before I signed legislation... -Right. 52 00:02:13,095 --> 00:02:14,178 ...to make chickens the size of mailboxes. 53 00:02:14,178 --> 00:02:15,512 -Mm-hmm. -Yeah, right, right. 54 00:02:15,512 --> 00:02:17,011 And not the blue mailboxes either... 55 00:02:17,011 --> 00:02:18,762 Okay. ...the weird locked mailboxes 56 00:02:18,762 --> 00:02:20,220 next to the blue ones... Sure. 57 00:02:20,220 --> 00:02:21,637 ...that the mailman hides his lunch 58 00:02:21,637 --> 00:02:23,345 and nighttime clothes inside. Y-- Okay. 59 00:02:23,345 --> 00:02:24,970 Good news -- Mr. President Trump 60 00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:26,553 is about to break his record 61 00:02:26,553 --> 00:02:28,595 for longest uninterrupted call-in ever! 62 00:02:28,595 --> 00:02:30,428 They're installing suicide nets 63 00:02:30,428 --> 00:02:33,261 outside the closed-caption office as we speak! 64 00:02:33,261 --> 00:02:35,220 [Trump] And it's not just the Mexicans 65 00:02:35,220 --> 00:02:37,095 that are pouring over our borders... 66 00:02:37,095 --> 00:02:39,178 Go off, girl! It's the Portuguese, too, 67 00:02:39,178 --> 00:02:41,428 but I don't see Jim Acosta reporting on them. 68 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:43,303 Jim Acosta is an old family friend, 69 00:02:43,303 --> 00:02:44,845 but now I hate his guts! 70 00:02:44,845 --> 00:02:47,303 [Trump] I say we drop the big one on Portugal. 71 00:02:47,303 --> 00:02:49,595 [whispering] What? What is he talking about? 72 00:02:49,595 --> 00:02:52,178 Let's nuke Jim Acosta, too! If he's in Portugal, 73 00:02:52,178 --> 00:02:54,929 we can do a two-for-one and save on shipping. 74 00:02:54,929 --> 00:02:57,637 So, if you want to grow an extra arm this weekend, 75 00:02:57,637 --> 00:02:59,553 head downwind from Portugal! 76 00:02:59,553 --> 00:03:03,762 ♪♪♪ 77 00:03:03,762 --> 00:03:05,679 Does President Trump's nuclear threat 78 00:03:05,679 --> 00:03:07,720 mean he has gone full-on cuckoo bananas? 79 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,220 A new poll shows 80% of Americans describe him 80 00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:12,053 as "...unstable as a college freshman 81 00:03:12,053 --> 00:03:13,679 who drags his mattress off the bed frame 82 00:03:13,679 --> 00:03:15,095 and sleeps in the closet." 83 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:17,845 Here to comment is Democratic presidential candidate 84 00:03:17,845 --> 00:03:19,178 Senator Elizabeth Warren. 85 00:03:19,178 --> 00:03:21,220 Chuck, the President's erratic behavior 86 00:03:21,220 --> 00:03:22,887 poses a threat to the entire world, 87 00:03:22,887 --> 00:03:25,470 and that is not some buttoned-up senator talking -- 88 00:03:25,470 --> 00:03:28,053 it's laid-back, beer-swillin' Lizzy Warren. 89 00:03:28,053 --> 00:03:29,804 Wow, that is warm. 90 00:03:29,804 --> 00:03:31,887 Or, could this be Trump's first move 91 00:03:31,887 --> 00:03:33,720 in a nine-dimensional chess game? 92 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,970 Absolutely not. Well, only time will tell. 93 00:03:35,970 --> 00:03:37,345 No, Chuck, he's dangerous. 94 00:03:37,345 --> 00:03:39,595 Only time will tell. Thank you, Senator. 95 00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:41,178 ♪♪♪ 96 00:03:41,178 --> 00:03:43,136 Geez, everyone's calling me a whack job 97 00:03:43,136 --> 00:03:45,053 just because I threatened to nuke Norway. 98 00:03:45,053 --> 00:03:46,720 Portugal, sir. 99 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,387 We know I'm not a details guy. 100 00:03:48,387 --> 00:03:49,929 [rumbling] [all screaming] 101 00:03:49,929 --> 00:03:50,887 Oh, no, no, no, no! 102 00:03:50,887 --> 00:03:52,512 The rapture is upon us! 103 00:03:52,512 --> 00:03:54,845 I can't wait to spend eternity in Heaven 104 00:03:54,845 --> 00:03:56,929 sorting buttons with Karen Pence! 105 00:03:56,929 --> 00:03:58,220 Relax, Rapture Randy. 106 00:03:58,220 --> 00:04:00,428 I just ordered a little ballistic-missile test 107 00:04:00,428 --> 00:04:02,637 to make sure the seat of Jim Acosta's pants 108 00:04:02,637 --> 00:04:03,887 stays coated in pee-pee. 109 00:04:03,887 --> 00:04:06,887 Whatever color pills you ate today, eat a different color, 110 00:04:06,887 --> 00:04:08,261 or it's 25th Amendment time! 111 00:04:08,261 --> 00:04:10,053 Is that the one where you have to say if you're a cop? 112 00:04:10,053 --> 00:04:12,136 It's the one where we yank you out of office 113 00:04:12,136 --> 00:04:13,679 for acting like a loony toon. 114 00:04:13,679 --> 00:04:16,053 So someone grounded and rational like Mike Pence 115 00:04:16,053 --> 00:04:18,303 becomes president. [Pence] I understand, God. 116 00:04:18,303 --> 00:04:20,970 I still have more buttons to sort on Earth. 117 00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:22,428 ♪♪♪ 118 00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,053 [British accent] Cheerio. 119 00:04:24,053 --> 00:04:26,637 Leaders around the globe held an emergency summit 120 00:04:26,637 --> 00:04:29,470 to discuss President Trump's threat to annihilate Portugal. 121 00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:32,303 We've obtained audio from the closed-door meeting... 122 00:04:32,303 --> 00:04:34,720 [Macron] The European Union will act decisively 123 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,136 to neutralize this tyrant! 124 00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:38,512 [Merkel] We take the whole "ranting mad-man" thing 125 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,804 pretty seriously here in Germany, you know. 126 00:04:40,804 --> 00:04:42,595 [Putin] Oh, come on, he misspoke! 127 00:04:42,595 --> 00:04:44,762 Isn't Trump allowed one mistake? 128 00:04:44,762 --> 00:04:47,720 No matter who I threaten, Dr. Ronny, I just can't win! 129 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,637 They've got it wrong -- I'm a very stable genius! 130 00:04:50,637 --> 00:04:53,637 According to my Brain-O-Meter, class-action lawsuit pending, 131 00:04:53,637 --> 00:04:55,220 your brain waves are pulsating 132 00:04:55,220 --> 00:04:57,845 at 720 kilowhirls per miliyear. 133 00:04:57,845 --> 00:04:59,136 And that's good, right? 134 00:04:59,136 --> 00:05:00,887 Oh, off the charts, kilowhirl-wise. 135 00:05:00,887 --> 00:05:02,762 I knew it! Just give me a doctor's note 136 00:05:02,762 --> 00:05:05,011 saying I'm not a danger to myself or others, 137 00:05:05,011 --> 00:05:07,261 or I'll do something real bad to both of us. 138 00:05:07,261 --> 00:05:09,553 So why did you threaten Portugal, sir? 139 00:05:09,553 --> 00:05:12,679 I was just doing some thermonuclear free association 140 00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:14,595 with my Fox & Friends, and it stuck. 141 00:05:14,595 --> 00:05:17,178 Now I have to do it or no one will take me seriously, 142 00:05:17,178 --> 00:05:19,011 and if no one takes me seriously, 143 00:05:19,011 --> 00:05:21,011 I'll have to blow up the whole world. 144 00:05:21,011 --> 00:05:23,887 Sounds reasonable to me, and I live in the back of a car. 145 00:05:23,887 --> 00:05:25,178 ♪♪♪ 146 00:05:25,178 --> 00:05:27,345 Bill Shine! Aren't you supposed to be 147 00:05:27,345 --> 00:05:29,470 getting the President re-elected in perpetuity? 148 00:05:29,470 --> 00:05:31,929 I took a long lunch because this is important -- 149 00:05:31,929 --> 00:05:34,387 when I worked at Fox News, I championed you guys. 150 00:05:34,387 --> 00:05:37,345 Hell, I made you who you are. We're your Frankenstein! 151 00:05:37,345 --> 00:05:39,470 Uh, Frankenstein was the scientist. 152 00:05:39,470 --> 00:05:42,261 Godzilla was the monster. Shut up, Kilmeade. 153 00:05:42,261 --> 00:05:44,136 Now my loyalty is to the White House, 154 00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:47,011 so I need you three to stop driving the President crazy. 155 00:05:47,011 --> 00:05:49,845 Oh, stop -- he's no crazier than our loyal viewers. 156 00:05:49,845 --> 00:05:52,637 They adore us so much, they send 40-page love letters 157 00:05:52,637 --> 00:05:53,929 written in their own fluids. 158 00:05:53,929 --> 00:05:55,136 -Awww! -Awww! 159 00:05:55,136 --> 00:05:57,053 Just make the show a little more gentle 160 00:05:57,053 --> 00:05:59,470 until the President stops trying to kill all of us 161 00:05:59,470 --> 00:06:01,762 and goes back to trying to kill some of us. 162 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,053 ♪♪♪ 163 00:06:03,053 --> 00:06:05,220 Daddy, we're here because we care deeply 164 00:06:05,220 --> 00:06:06,637 about not getting irradiated. 165 00:06:06,637 --> 00:06:09,595 Thanks for your concern, but I got this note from Dr. Ronny 166 00:06:09,595 --> 00:06:12,303 saying my brain cholesterol is at an all-time good, 167 00:06:12,303 --> 00:06:14,637 so I'm perfectly capable of running the planet. 168 00:06:14,637 --> 00:06:17,053 Anyway, we asked someone who actually cares about you 169 00:06:17,053 --> 00:06:18,387 to join us... 170 00:06:18,387 --> 00:06:20,095 [Putin] Hey, Donald! Putin? 171 00:06:20,095 --> 00:06:21,387 Yeah, buddy, look, 172 00:06:21,387 --> 00:06:23,595 I'm all for unprovoked military force, 173 00:06:23,595 --> 00:06:26,679 but if it's on the same day you appoint a Terry Fator puppet 174 00:06:26,679 --> 00:06:29,470 to the United Nations, it makes people a little jumpy. 175 00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:32,220 Terry Fator's puppets are notorious instigators. 176 00:06:32,220 --> 00:06:34,470 Not exactly the right temperament for the U.N. 177 00:06:34,470 --> 00:06:36,428 There you go, sort of. 178 00:06:36,428 --> 00:06:37,970 ♪♪♪ 179 00:06:37,970 --> 00:06:40,261 [Earhardt] Bill Shine wants gentle and cerebral? 180 00:06:40,261 --> 00:06:43,220 This is Fox & Friends -- not PBS. 181 00:06:43,220 --> 00:06:44,929 Nobody watches us to chill out -- 182 00:06:44,929 --> 00:06:46,887 they watch us to hear how Ocasio-Cortez 183 00:06:46,887 --> 00:06:49,303 is personally stealing land from white Africans! 184 00:06:49,303 --> 00:06:51,512 There is something to be said 185 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:54,095 for the slow, methodical world-building 186 00:06:54,095 --> 00:06:55,929 of a PBS costume drama. 187 00:06:55,929 --> 00:06:57,428 Slow...methodical... 188 00:06:57,428 --> 00:06:59,428 what the hell are you talking about, Brian? 189 00:06:59,428 --> 00:07:00,762 I wrote some scripts. 190 00:07:00,762 --> 00:07:03,428 Never mind. They're stupid. You don't want to see them. 191 00:07:03,428 --> 00:07:05,512 Of course we don't! Fine, here they are. 192 00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:06,887 I don't know about this... 193 00:07:06,887 --> 00:07:09,428 Whoa, I get to wear a big, tall hat? I'm in! 194 00:07:09,428 --> 00:07:11,261 Me too! Mostly because, 195 00:07:11,261 --> 00:07:14,053 if I disagree with you guys, you'll ignore me anyway! 196 00:07:14,053 --> 00:07:16,595 [sirens wailing, rumbling] 197 00:07:16,595 --> 00:07:20,512 Daddy! You said you'd stop these missile tests! God! 198 00:07:20,512 --> 00:07:21,970 They scare the shit 199 00:07:21,970 --> 00:07:24,095 out of people who are less brave than me! 200 00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:26,720 Listen, I made a promise to someone -- I forgot who -- 201 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,303 that I'd blow up Portugal -- I'm not sure why -- 202 00:07:29,303 --> 00:07:31,011 and I'm not about to embarrass myself 203 00:07:31,011 --> 00:07:33,512 in front of whoever for whatever reason that was. 204 00:07:33,512 --> 00:07:36,387 Daddy...where's Eric? You were supposed to give him a bath! 205 00:07:36,387 --> 00:07:37,595 [dramatic music plays] 206 00:07:37,595 --> 00:07:40,512 You said to wait for you, s-so I did. 207 00:07:40,512 --> 00:07:43,428 His nuts are so small and wrinkly, Dad! 208 00:07:43,428 --> 00:07:45,387 They'll never be normal nuts again! 209 00:07:45,387 --> 00:07:47,470 Relax -- Anyone could have forgotten 210 00:07:47,470 --> 00:07:49,553 their screaming adult son in the bath. 211 00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:52,261 Daddy...what if it had been someone you care about? 212 00:07:52,261 --> 00:07:54,136 Someone...like me? 213 00:07:54,136 --> 00:07:57,845 Oh, my God. My children. My one good children. 214 00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:01,345 Please, Daddy, let us help you make your brain good again. 215 00:08:01,345 --> 00:08:02,845 For the country, 216 00:08:02,845 --> 00:08:05,387 so it'll trust you enough to steal all its money. 217 00:08:05,387 --> 00:08:08,345 And for Eric, whose nuts art in Heaven. 218 00:08:08,345 --> 00:08:11,011 Let's do it. Not just for Eric's nuts, 219 00:08:11,011 --> 00:08:12,637 but the whole country's nuts. 220 00:08:12,637 --> 00:08:13,970 -Cool! -Yay! 221 00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:15,595 [door closes] [water sloshes] 222 00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:18,679 [Eric] Come back if you need c-cold, dirty water! 223 00:08:18,679 --> 00:08:21,804 ♪♪♪ 224 00:08:21,804 --> 00:08:24,387 [Trump] Kids, we all know that the best way to prove 225 00:08:24,387 --> 00:08:27,011 someone is competent, sane, and trustworthy is... 226 00:08:27,011 --> 00:08:29,053 [both] Prime-time televised game show! 227 00:08:29,053 --> 00:08:31,095 Exactly! In one week's time, 228 00:08:31,095 --> 00:08:33,929 I'm gonna show the country, live, on network TV, 229 00:08:33,929 --> 00:08:36,887 that my brain is more functional than Ronald Reagan's 230 00:08:36,887 --> 00:08:38,595 the day he left office. 231 00:08:38,595 --> 00:08:40,553 I'm thinking my doctor who lives in a car 232 00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:43,387 tests me in front of a billion Americans, and we call it -- 233 00:08:43,387 --> 00:08:44,595 Big Brain Showdown! 234 00:08:44,595 --> 00:08:46,428 With a special performance by Jamiroquai. 235 00:08:46,428 --> 00:08:47,887 Love it. At the end, 236 00:08:47,887 --> 00:08:50,387 Dr. Ronny will smash my brain with a sledgehammer 237 00:08:50,387 --> 00:08:52,720 and, if it puffs back up with a big boing sound, 238 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:54,053 everyone will know I'm fine. 239 00:08:54,053 --> 00:08:56,595 I'll check to make sure Jamiroquai isn't touring. 240 00:08:56,595 --> 00:08:59,095 [hushed voice] Ivanka, I really hope he's not touring. 241 00:08:59,095 --> 00:09:01,220 [dramatic music plays] 242 00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:04,553 ♪♪♪ 243 00:09:04,553 --> 00:09:07,804 ♪♪♪ 244 00:09:07,804 --> 00:09:10,887 [man] Three white people in a house... 245 00:09:10,887 --> 00:09:13,720 It's Friendship Manor. 246 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,595 Lady Ainsleyhardt, have you readied the dining room 247 00:09:16,595 --> 00:09:18,428 for this evening's repaste? R-Re-past? 248 00:09:18,428 --> 00:09:20,762 Yes, I have left ample space 249 00:09:20,762 --> 00:09:24,637 between the Duke of Winshire and the Marquess of Aberdingle. 250 00:09:24,637 --> 00:09:27,720 And have you considered my proposal of marriage? 251 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,679 It would secure Friendship Manor for generations to come. 252 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:32,261 I have, Lord Doocifus. 253 00:09:32,261 --> 00:09:34,595 It's just that my heart belongs to another... 254 00:09:34,595 --> 00:09:38,845 ♪♪♪ 255 00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:41,970 This is extremely my shit. 256 00:09:41,970 --> 00:09:42,929 ♪♪♪ 257 00:09:42,929 --> 00:09:45,261 We need to make sure you actually win 258 00:09:45,261 --> 00:09:46,637 Big Brain Showdown, 259 00:09:46,637 --> 00:09:49,970 so let's exercise that noggin with a brain teaser. 260 00:09:49,970 --> 00:09:52,220 After my divorce, I found solace 261 00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:54,720 in the ancient practice of mindfulness. 262 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,553 Okay, a murderer is condemned to death -- 263 00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:58,887 Biased judge, activist court, 264 00:09:58,887 --> 00:10:01,053 appeal it till it gets to Kavanaugh's desk. 265 00:10:01,053 --> 00:10:04,220 -Solved it. -Daddy! Hold on! I wasn't done! 266 00:10:04,220 --> 00:10:07,679 Now just close your eyes and let your thoughts drift away. 267 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:09,720 Whooooosh. 268 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,720 Whoo-- [coughs] 269 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,387 Oh, shit! I swallowed a bug! 270 00:10:14,387 --> 00:10:16,553 Now a bug's gonna grow in my stomach. 271 00:10:16,553 --> 00:10:18,845 Get it out before it goes through puberty! 272 00:10:18,845 --> 00:10:23,011 As punishment, the murderer has to enter one of three rooms -- 273 00:10:23,011 --> 00:10:26,595 one with assassins, one that's on fire, 274 00:10:26,595 --> 00:10:29,595 and one with lions who haven't eaten in years. 275 00:10:29,595 --> 00:10:31,220 Wait, are the lions tigers? 276 00:10:31,220 --> 00:10:33,970 Of course! Actually, wait. Are they? 277 00:10:33,970 --> 00:10:36,178 Sir, the United Nations Security Council 278 00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:37,804 has been on hold for three days. 279 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,053 What should I tell them? 280 00:10:39,053 --> 00:10:40,970 [both] We're doing something! 281 00:10:40,970 --> 00:10:43,553 So I just pull on that thing in the back of your throat 282 00:10:43,553 --> 00:10:45,178 until you barf the bug? Uh-huh. 283 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,178 Back at Wharton, my buddy Brench taught me 284 00:10:47,178 --> 00:10:48,428 that's the "vom-cord." 285 00:10:48,428 --> 00:10:51,553 Hello, zoo? Are lions tigers? 286 00:10:51,553 --> 00:10:54,136 Ask him if lions are tigers. I am. Shut up! 287 00:10:54,136 --> 00:10:55,011 Uh-huh... 288 00:10:55,011 --> 00:10:56,512 Oh... 289 00:10:56,512 --> 00:10:58,470 But how do you know? 290 00:10:58,470 --> 00:11:00,303 They don't know. I knew it! 291 00:11:00,303 --> 00:11:02,345 Ask them if donkeys are horses. 292 00:11:02,345 --> 00:11:03,512 Shut up, Pompeo! 293 00:11:03,512 --> 00:11:05,970 Actually, that's a good question. 294 00:11:05,970 --> 00:11:07,178 ♪♪♪ 295 00:11:07,178 --> 00:11:08,595 [gags] 296 00:11:08,595 --> 00:11:11,470 Do you feel anything? Almost! 297 00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:13,345 All right, I'm gonna.... 298 00:11:13,345 --> 00:11:15,178 I'm grab-- I got something. Hold it. 299 00:11:15,178 --> 00:11:16,428 [gags] 300 00:11:16,428 --> 00:11:18,303 Everything okay over there? 301 00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,220 Yeah, just doing some mediation. 302 00:11:20,220 --> 00:11:21,679 ♪♪♪ 303 00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:23,929 [Earhardt] I love you too, Kilmington. 304 00:11:23,929 --> 00:11:26,845 Even if you are a penniless footman with rotten teeth. 305 00:11:26,845 --> 00:11:29,261 Then there is something I must show you... 306 00:11:29,261 --> 00:11:30,887 ♪♪♪ 307 00:11:30,887 --> 00:11:34,053 [gasps] The will of my uncle, Count Friendship! 308 00:11:34,053 --> 00:11:36,720 Wasn't that destroyed in the orphanage fire? 309 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:37,762 Shh! 310 00:11:37,762 --> 00:11:40,261 But that was destroyed in the orphanage fire! 311 00:11:40,261 --> 00:11:42,387 What'd I say? Knew it. Shut the fuck up! 312 00:11:42,387 --> 00:11:46,387 I found it in Doocifus' chambers, and there's more -- 313 00:11:46,387 --> 00:11:48,679 Doocifus is not your cousin. 314 00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:50,220 He is... 315 00:11:50,220 --> 00:11:53,970 Mister Doonces of 49 Poorman's Lane, Coventry. 316 00:11:53,970 --> 00:11:56,261 So you've found me out, have you? 317 00:11:56,261 --> 00:11:58,553 But if he's not really my cousin, then... 318 00:11:58,553 --> 00:12:00,470 Then you, Lady Ainsleyhardt, 319 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:04,261 are the true heir to Friendship Manor... 320 00:12:04,261 --> 00:12:06,220 -Whoooooaaaa. -Whoooooaaaa. 321 00:12:06,220 --> 00:12:07,345 ♪♪♪ 322 00:12:07,345 --> 00:12:09,762 [Don Jr.] I think Dad's swamp brain might be cured. 323 00:12:09,762 --> 00:12:11,136 He helped me barf up a bug. 324 00:12:11,136 --> 00:12:13,345 And he helped me get that dumb zoo guy fired. 325 00:12:13,345 --> 00:12:15,929 He's gonna be so psyched that he didn't have to visit 326 00:12:15,929 --> 00:12:17,679 an actual mental-health professional. 327 00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:19,428 [Hannity] Now answer me this -- 328 00:12:19,428 --> 00:12:21,178 what has Europe ever done for us?! 329 00:12:21,178 --> 00:12:23,887 [Trump] [screaming] Drag them, Hannity! 330 00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:26,887 As far as I'm concerned, Christopher Columbus 331 00:12:26,887 --> 00:12:29,679 wasn't even born till he got to America! 332 00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:31,428 Tell Spain to lean the other way 333 00:12:31,428 --> 00:12:33,929 because it's Portugal nuke time, baby! 334 00:12:33,929 --> 00:12:36,470 This is the problem, Dad. TV makes you nuttier 335 00:12:36,470 --> 00:12:39,887 than the 23-year-old high-school kid in my two-man fight club. 336 00:12:39,887 --> 00:12:41,762 Sorry, Daddy, but the TVs 337 00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:43,553 are going straight into "insinkerator." 338 00:12:43,553 --> 00:12:44,804 Fine, take it. 339 00:12:44,804 --> 00:12:47,136 Whatever Fox & Friends is doing these days 340 00:12:47,136 --> 00:12:49,929 is extremely not my shit. Get some rest. 341 00:12:49,929 --> 00:12:52,303 Tomorrow, you have to prove to the American people 342 00:12:52,303 --> 00:12:55,845 that you're as with it as a 72-year-old speed-freak can be. 343 00:12:55,845 --> 00:12:57,387 [Eric] Hello? [water sloshes] 344 00:12:57,387 --> 00:12:59,637 I think I'm clean now! 345 00:12:59,637 --> 00:13:01,804 ♪♪♪ 346 00:13:01,804 --> 00:13:04,970 "I love Lady Ainsleyhardt's indomibibble spirit." 347 00:13:04,970 --> 00:13:07,804 It's just nice getting fan mail that doesn't refer to my womb 348 00:13:07,804 --> 00:13:09,970 as an essential weapon in the race war. 349 00:13:09,970 --> 00:13:12,470 "Doocifus is bae"? I don't know what that means, 350 00:13:12,470 --> 00:13:14,970 but it ends in "e," so it's okay by me. 351 00:13:14,970 --> 00:13:17,303 Brian, how do you write these genius scripts? 352 00:13:17,303 --> 00:13:19,345 I installed some beams in my house 353 00:13:19,345 --> 00:13:21,512 and got the feet and inches mixed up, 354 00:13:21,512 --> 00:13:23,178 so every night I run full steam 355 00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:26,679 into a piece of gorgeous, varnished cherry-wood. 356 00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:29,095 And when I come to, there's a "scrimpt." 357 00:13:29,095 --> 00:13:31,929 Wow, this one's signed "Barack and Michelle." 358 00:13:31,929 --> 00:13:34,720 And this one is from the Peabody Foundation! 359 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,220 Guys, you got to feel how thick this paper is. 360 00:13:37,220 --> 00:13:39,095 [all] Ooh! 361 00:13:39,095 --> 00:13:42,679 I think it might be five slices stuck together. 362 00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:44,887 Ohh, it's not! 363 00:13:44,887 --> 00:13:46,303 ♪♪♪ 364 00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:49,679 Daddy, it's almost time for your Big Brain Showdown. 365 00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:51,637 Remember -- it's called underwear 366 00:13:51,637 --> 00:13:54,261 because you "wear" it when you're "under" the sky! 367 00:13:54,261 --> 00:13:57,178 Let's go show this country how coherent I can be 368 00:13:57,178 --> 00:14:00,345 for a short amount of time on television. 369 00:14:00,345 --> 00:14:02,929 [Dr. Ronny] Welcome to The Big Brain Showdown. 370 00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,178 The only show where we test how healthy, buff, 371 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,970 and whisper-quiet the President's brain is. 372 00:14:07,970 --> 00:14:09,720 I'm your host, Dr. Ronny. 373 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,553 Let's meet our contestant. 374 00:14:11,553 --> 00:14:13,387 [female narrator] Born in Queens, 375 00:14:13,387 --> 00:14:16,887 Donald John Trump's colon has the same microbial biodiversity 376 00:14:16,887 --> 00:14:18,679 as an escalator handrail. 377 00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:21,804 Tonight, he's playing for the trust of the American people 378 00:14:21,804 --> 00:14:23,553 and his favorite charity, 379 00:14:23,553 --> 00:14:26,053 Eric's Home for Hypothermic Men. 380 00:14:26,053 --> 00:14:28,720 The showdown consists of 25 questions 381 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,220 that test the memory, logic, and reasoning skills 382 00:14:31,220 --> 00:14:32,553 of the President. 383 00:14:32,553 --> 00:14:36,261 Seven or more correct answers will be considered an A++. 384 00:14:36,261 --> 00:14:37,387 Let's begin. 385 00:14:37,387 --> 00:14:38,679 [dramatic music plays] 386 00:14:38,679 --> 00:14:40,387 Marcus Aurelius once said, 387 00:14:40,387 --> 00:14:43,387 "The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts." 388 00:14:43,387 --> 00:14:44,762 Name a color. 389 00:14:44,762 --> 00:14:46,387 Strawberry. 390 00:14:46,387 --> 00:14:47,470 Correct. 391 00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,178 What song is this? 392 00:14:49,178 --> 00:14:52,679 "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way." 393 00:14:52,679 --> 00:14:54,261 Jingy Bells. 394 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,845 Judges. 395 00:14:55,845 --> 00:14:57,679 We'll accept Jingy Bells. 396 00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,595 John Elway. Correct. 397 00:14:59,595 --> 00:15:01,887 Blair, Jo, Natalie, Tootie, and Mrs. Garrett. 398 00:15:01,887 --> 00:15:03,053 Correct. 399 00:15:03,053 --> 00:15:04,845 And Godzilla was the monster. 400 00:15:04,845 --> 00:15:06,762 Correct. He was brought back to life 401 00:15:06,762 --> 00:15:08,637 when Trinity confessed her love. Correct. 402 00:15:08,637 --> 00:15:10,679 Nine. Correct. 403 00:15:10,679 --> 00:15:12,095 No, wait. 42,000. Correct. 404 00:15:12,095 --> 00:15:15,095 They were being held in the basement of Comet Ping Pong! 405 00:15:15,095 --> 00:15:16,136 Correct. 406 00:15:16,136 --> 00:15:19,261 Marry Kissinger, Fuck McNamara, Kill Nixon. 407 00:15:19,261 --> 00:15:20,428 Judges? 408 00:15:20,428 --> 00:15:21,595 Correct. 409 00:15:21,595 --> 00:15:23,762 And now your final question... 410 00:15:23,762 --> 00:15:26,595 Who's a big, loud boy with a big, healthy brain? 411 00:15:26,595 --> 00:15:28,470 Uh...me? 412 00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,887 Well, let's just say... [dramatic music plays] 413 00:15:30,887 --> 00:15:33,178 ...we will reveal the results after this break. 414 00:15:33,178 --> 00:15:36,011 [crowd awws] They always do this. 415 00:15:36,011 --> 00:15:39,970 Hi, I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of My Pillow, 416 00:15:39,970 --> 00:15:42,804 the most comfortable pillow you'll ever own. 417 00:15:42,804 --> 00:15:43,887 Have you ever thought that 418 00:15:43,887 --> 00:15:45,887 something that was perfectly fine 419 00:15:45,887 --> 00:15:47,679 should be different somehow? 420 00:15:47,679 --> 00:15:49,762 Then buy my pillow. 421 00:15:49,762 --> 00:15:53,470 I could never get a restful sleep because of my pillow, 422 00:15:53,470 --> 00:15:54,845 so one night, 423 00:15:54,845 --> 00:15:57,970 I chucked a brick through a high-school home-ec window, 424 00:15:57,970 --> 00:16:00,220 ripped the sewing machine off the bolts, 425 00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:03,053 and stitched together the American dream. 426 00:16:03,053 --> 00:16:06,303 Call now, or maybe I'll call you! 427 00:16:06,303 --> 00:16:07,679 Welcome back. 428 00:16:07,679 --> 00:16:09,637 I know a lot of hypothermic men 429 00:16:09,637 --> 00:16:11,553 who will be very happy tonight. 430 00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:13,679 Mr. President, you are mentally competent. 431 00:16:13,679 --> 00:16:14,887 [cheers and applause] 432 00:16:14,887 --> 00:16:16,637 -Yay, Daddy! -Yay! Ugh! 433 00:16:16,637 --> 00:16:18,387 I swallowed some confetti. 434 00:16:18,387 --> 00:16:20,178 Ivanka! Pull my vom-cord! 435 00:16:20,178 --> 00:16:21,720 [triumphant music plays] 436 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,970 Was last night's Big Brain Showdown a success? 437 00:16:23,970 --> 00:16:26,303 The EU released a statement saying, quote, 438 00:16:26,303 --> 00:16:28,679 "We take comfort that his family is occupying him 439 00:16:28,679 --> 00:16:30,345 with a make-believe game show." 440 00:16:30,345 --> 00:16:31,679 ♪♪♪ 441 00:16:31,679 --> 00:16:33,720 And now, accepting the Peabody Award 442 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:35,178 for excellence in entertainment, 443 00:16:35,178 --> 00:16:37,679 is the cast of my favorite show, Friendship Manor. 444 00:16:37,679 --> 00:16:40,011 Whoa! Happy days! 445 00:16:40,011 --> 00:16:43,261 Lord Doocifus himself. This is so cool. 446 00:16:43,261 --> 00:16:46,679 To anyone who ever heard the words "you can't," 447 00:16:46,679 --> 00:16:48,345 "no one wants that," 448 00:16:48,345 --> 00:16:50,970 or "don't eat that -- they made it in props," 449 00:16:50,970 --> 00:16:53,762 I am living proof that you can do it all. 450 00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,637 [orchestral music plays] Okay, I'll go. 451 00:16:55,637 --> 00:16:58,387 Keep dreaming! Keep friendshipping! Keep mattering! 452 00:16:58,387 --> 00:17:01,178 Kaitlyn, Kirstyn, and Bryan Jr., go to bed! 453 00:17:01,178 --> 00:17:02,679 Daddy won a Peabody! 454 00:17:02,679 --> 00:17:05,387 [laughs] [audience applauds] 455 00:17:05,387 --> 00:17:06,720 ♪♪♪ 456 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:10,053 Nice job tonight, Dad. You beat the shit out of your brain! 457 00:17:10,053 --> 00:17:12,387 That one question about whether cars go zoom 458 00:17:12,387 --> 00:17:14,804 was pretty tough. Well, see you later, Daddy. 459 00:17:14,804 --> 00:17:16,720 You know we all have, like, five kids? 460 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:17,929 And they call me Mom. 461 00:17:17,929 --> 00:17:20,387 I don't have time to get into it, but it's insane. 462 00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:21,804 Okay, bye! 463 00:17:21,804 --> 00:17:24,762 Ahh, got the night all to myself. 464 00:17:24,762 --> 00:17:27,553 Now, where did I put my mind-enhancing puzzles? 465 00:17:27,553 --> 00:17:30,637 ♪♪♪ 466 00:17:30,637 --> 00:17:32,762 I've looked everywhere. Hm. 467 00:17:32,762 --> 00:17:35,595 Well, it would be fun to treat myself to a little TV. 468 00:17:35,595 --> 00:17:36,679 ♪♪♪ 469 00:17:36,679 --> 00:17:39,387 Oh, yeah. TV gone, too. 470 00:17:39,387 --> 00:17:42,428 [sighs] 471 00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:46,595 Can we swing by Men's Warehouse so I can return this suit? 472 00:17:46,595 --> 00:17:48,929 [vehicle doors open, close] Hey, hey! Fellas! 473 00:17:48,929 --> 00:17:52,095 Did you also get turned away from the Peabody afterparty 474 00:17:52,095 --> 00:17:54,303 because you forgot how to spell your name? 475 00:17:54,303 --> 00:17:55,929 Shut up! Brian, Brian, Brian... 476 00:17:55,929 --> 00:17:58,762 Okay, while you were at these, uh, Golden Snowflake Awards, 477 00:17:58,762 --> 00:18:00,095 we were in the studio, 478 00:18:00,095 --> 00:18:02,428 ensuring the First Amendment rights of white people 479 00:18:02,428 --> 00:18:05,136 to sing the N-word at karaoke, and you weren't there. 480 00:18:05,136 --> 00:18:07,929 But Bill Shine told me to stop driving the President insane, 481 00:18:07,929 --> 00:18:09,804 so I just thought I -- Oh, oh, oh. 482 00:18:09,804 --> 00:18:12,011 That's what you think, Brian? You thought wrong. 483 00:18:12,011 --> 00:18:13,762 Your allegiance is to Fox News -- got it? 484 00:18:13,762 --> 00:18:15,095 We all took the same vows 485 00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:17,804 in Roger Ailes' amphibious sex plane. 486 00:18:17,804 --> 00:18:19,845 But Friendship Manor is life-affirming TV. 487 00:18:19,845 --> 00:18:22,470 Fox News doesn't affirm life -- it de-firms life, 488 00:18:22,470 --> 00:18:25,095 and scares men into thinking their sperm count will drop 489 00:18:25,095 --> 00:18:26,804 if they let their wives drive. 490 00:18:26,804 --> 00:18:28,470 Don't forget that, Kilmeade. 491 00:18:28,470 --> 00:18:30,345 Hey, can we stop at Men's Warehouse? 492 00:18:30,345 --> 00:18:32,637 I want to dig through the discount suit bin. 493 00:18:32,637 --> 00:18:33,804 ♪♪♪ 494 00:18:33,804 --> 00:18:36,136 Huh. No TV in here either... 495 00:18:36,136 --> 00:18:39,303 I'll just sit here alone with my thoughts. 496 00:18:42,470 --> 00:18:44,011 Oh, hi. Good to see you. 497 00:18:44,011 --> 00:18:45,887 I'm gonna need the nuclear football 498 00:18:45,887 --> 00:18:48,428 and an upside-down umbrella full of Diet Coke. 499 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:51,387 Thanks so much. Appreciate it. Love the tie. 500 00:18:51,387 --> 00:18:55,637 [locks clanking] 501 00:18:55,637 --> 00:18:57,095 [lock clanks] 502 00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:58,887 [Earhardt] Brian, I had a question 503 00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,970 about the Baronet's harpsichord teacher. 504 00:19:00,970 --> 00:19:03,178 It's over, guys. Friendship Manor is done. 505 00:19:03,178 --> 00:19:05,303 But Doocifus still has his maidenhead! 506 00:19:05,303 --> 00:19:08,512 Tucker and Sean were right. We should be out there 507 00:19:08,512 --> 00:19:11,845 scaring old ladies into buying barbed-wire doormats -- 508 00:19:11,845 --> 00:19:13,512 not acting out fiction. 509 00:19:13,512 --> 00:19:16,553 But we've got so many stories left to tell! 510 00:19:16,553 --> 00:19:19,720 What about their stories, Ainsley? 511 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,053 [slow music plays] But Ainsleyhardt 512 00:19:21,053 --> 00:19:23,011 is a three-dimension female character! 513 00:19:23,011 --> 00:19:27,053 And who's gonna tell my big, tall hat? 514 00:19:27,053 --> 00:19:29,679 [female narrator] We now present a very special 515 00:19:29,679 --> 00:19:32,845 Brian Kilmeade Presents: Friendship Manor. 516 00:19:32,845 --> 00:19:35,512 Hello, viewers. It's me, Brian Kilmeade. 517 00:19:35,512 --> 00:19:37,303 I mean Kilmington, 518 00:19:37,303 --> 00:19:39,637 or, as you would have learned in the next episode, 519 00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:42,261 Kilmington's brother, who was feared lost at sea. 520 00:19:42,261 --> 00:19:44,095 -Are you kidding me?! -Don't spoil it! 521 00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:47,470 Friendship Manor is going on permanent hiatus 522 00:19:47,470 --> 00:19:50,053 because I don't know how to stand up for myself. 523 00:19:50,053 --> 00:19:51,887 Fare-thee-well. 524 00:19:51,887 --> 00:19:54,804 I'm lost. Did we miss an episode? 525 00:19:54,804 --> 00:19:56,970 I bet it all pays off. Just keep watching. 526 00:19:56,970 --> 00:19:58,553 [sirens wailing, pounding on door] 527 00:19:58,553 --> 00:20:00,553 Dad! Dad! Dad! Daddy! Daddy! Open up! 528 00:20:00,553 --> 00:20:03,553 What's he doing in there? We took away his TV and phone. 529 00:20:03,553 --> 00:20:06,261 Hey, what's that thing that Dad says every day at breakfast 530 00:20:06,261 --> 00:20:08,553 about leaving him alone with his thoughts? 531 00:20:08,553 --> 00:20:11,053 Oh, uh, don't ever leave me alone with my thoughts, 532 00:20:11,053 --> 00:20:12,804 or I'll blow up the entire world. 533 00:20:12,804 --> 00:20:14,387 -Yeah. -Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. 534 00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:17,303 [echoing] Hey! Hey! Do not leave me alone with my thoughts! 535 00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:19,887 I will kill everything forever! 536 00:20:19,887 --> 00:20:21,553 You know what this means? 537 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:24,762 He's having breakfast without us. 538 00:20:24,762 --> 00:20:26,428 Daddy, no! [pounding on door] 539 00:20:26,428 --> 00:20:28,345 We're hungry, too! 540 00:20:28,345 --> 00:20:30,637 [indistinct shouting] So I walk into the 21 Club, 541 00:20:30,637 --> 00:20:33,637 and I see Andre Agassi, and he has his back to me. 542 00:20:33,637 --> 00:20:36,261 And he knew I was gonna walk in. He knew it. 543 00:20:36,261 --> 00:20:38,762 So he'll be dead, too. 544 00:20:38,762 --> 00:20:41,428 I'm Wolf Blitzer and you're watching me realize 545 00:20:41,428 --> 00:20:43,261 I left my lunch in my car. 546 00:20:43,261 --> 00:20:45,095 It's shrimp salad -- it'll keep. 547 00:20:45,095 --> 00:20:46,553 With the President isolated 548 00:20:46,553 --> 00:20:49,136 and in possession of the nuclear football, 549 00:20:49,136 --> 00:20:51,261 European leaders are considering 550 00:20:51,261 --> 00:20:53,011 a preemptive strike on the U.S. 551 00:20:53,011 --> 00:20:55,387 Uh-oh, that's where the shrimp salad is. 552 00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:59,136 Meanwhile, Vice President Pence and the cabinet are deciding 553 00:20:59,136 --> 00:21:01,303 whether or not to remove Trump from office. 554 00:21:01,303 --> 00:21:02,679 Breakups are tough. 555 00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,261 Launch codes are around here somewhere. 556 00:21:05,261 --> 00:21:07,303 ♪♪♪ 557 00:21:07,303 --> 00:21:10,637 Ugh, why's everything so hard to find? 558 00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:13,053 Yikes, that guy looks like crap. 559 00:21:13,053 --> 00:21:14,387 No, you look like crap. 560 00:21:14,387 --> 00:21:16,053 No, you look like crap. 561 00:21:16,053 --> 00:21:17,637 No, you look like crap. 562 00:21:17,637 --> 00:21:19,345 You can't talk to me like that! 563 00:21:19,345 --> 00:21:22,345 But I'm part of you, idiot. I'm your subconscious. 564 00:21:22,345 --> 00:21:23,470 Subconscious... 565 00:21:23,470 --> 00:21:25,804 Is that the room where rodeo clowns hang out 566 00:21:25,804 --> 00:21:27,136 before it's time to go in? 567 00:21:27,136 --> 00:21:28,428 God, you're dumb. 568 00:21:28,428 --> 00:21:30,387 It's the place deep inside your head 569 00:21:30,387 --> 00:21:32,095 where all your emotions live. 570 00:21:32,095 --> 00:21:33,595 And it is rough down here. 571 00:21:33,595 --> 00:21:36,136 Oh, no! I'm crazy, aren't I? 572 00:21:36,136 --> 00:21:38,512 Is that why I'm such a math genius? 573 00:21:38,512 --> 00:21:41,595 You're more of a run-of-the-mill sociopathic narcissist, 574 00:21:41,595 --> 00:21:44,345 who, through a weird twist of fate, can destroy the world. 575 00:21:44,345 --> 00:21:46,178 Okay. What's the bad news? 576 00:21:46,178 --> 00:21:48,679 You'll destroy us with it, you dumb piece of shit. 577 00:21:48,679 --> 00:21:50,345 There's always a catch. 578 00:21:50,345 --> 00:21:51,845 [sirens wailing in distance] 579 00:21:51,845 --> 00:21:54,178 [man] Hey, it's Doocifus and Ainsleyhardt! 580 00:21:54,178 --> 00:21:56,011 We don't do that show anymore! 581 00:21:56,011 --> 00:21:57,512 No selfies! 582 00:21:57,512 --> 00:22:00,095 There they are! The people we've been looking for. 583 00:22:00,095 --> 00:22:01,762 So, like, how are you guys? 584 00:22:01,762 --> 00:22:03,679 Dad is about to blow up the free world, 585 00:22:03,679 --> 00:22:05,387 but, seriously, how are you guys? 586 00:22:05,387 --> 00:22:08,470 Here's some coins, kids. Go play Buck Hunter or something. 587 00:22:08,470 --> 00:22:10,637 He gave them to me. That means I'm in charge. 588 00:22:10,637 --> 00:22:11,929 I'm gonna be good! 589 00:22:11,929 --> 00:22:14,220 The President needs the old Fox & Friends show 590 00:22:14,220 --> 00:22:17,387 to get the steam out of his ears so it doesn't cook his brain. 591 00:22:17,387 --> 00:22:19,220 The old show? But I can't even remember 592 00:22:19,220 --> 00:22:21,804 why wealthy old white men are underprivileged anymore. 593 00:22:21,804 --> 00:22:25,053 Maybe this will jog your memory. "Dear Fox & Friends. 594 00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:27,303 If I didn't have you to talk to, 595 00:22:27,303 --> 00:22:29,720 I would probably kill everybody. 596 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,136 I love you so much. 597 00:22:32,136 --> 00:22:35,553 Yours, the President of the United States." 598 00:22:35,553 --> 00:22:38,679 I was packing up Kilmington's cummerbund when I found this. 599 00:22:38,679 --> 00:22:42,095 And there are 30 more, just like it, all from the President. 600 00:22:42,095 --> 00:22:43,804 He needs us, damn it. 601 00:22:43,804 --> 00:22:46,595 What do you say, Fox & Friends star Ainsley Earhardt? 602 00:22:46,595 --> 00:22:48,595 I actually prefer Friendship Manor. 603 00:22:48,595 --> 00:22:50,929 [both] She's in -- let's go! 604 00:22:50,929 --> 00:22:54,178 All those in favor of removing the President from office 605 00:22:54,178 --> 00:22:55,804 and installing me instead? 606 00:22:55,804 --> 00:22:58,428 Wait! I'm not crazy! 607 00:22:58,428 --> 00:23:00,762 The mirror-me said so! 608 00:23:00,762 --> 00:23:02,345 Yikes. 609 00:23:02,345 --> 00:23:05,178 You guys believe me, right? 610 00:23:05,178 --> 00:23:08,220 Wow, nobody's on my side. 611 00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:10,470 And after all the stuff I've done 612 00:23:10,470 --> 00:23:12,512 for your investment portfolios. 613 00:23:12,512 --> 00:23:14,595 Fine, say goodbye to Earth! 614 00:23:14,595 --> 00:23:18,261 ♪♪♪ 615 00:23:18,261 --> 00:23:19,595 [shrieks] 616 00:23:19,595 --> 00:23:22,845 [all] ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪ 617 00:23:22,845 --> 00:23:24,136 Whoa! It's TV! 618 00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:26,261 Fox & Friends -- activate! 619 00:23:26,261 --> 00:23:28,095 God, I hate that nuclear football, 620 00:23:28,095 --> 00:23:29,428 don't you, Brian? 621 00:23:29,428 --> 00:23:32,053 It makes me sick, yee-uck! 622 00:23:32,053 --> 00:23:33,887 Get rid of it! 623 00:23:33,887 --> 00:23:36,220 Yeah...yeah... I hate it, too. 624 00:23:36,220 --> 00:23:37,970 You know what else makes me sick? 625 00:23:37,970 --> 00:23:39,595 [together] What, Mr. President? 626 00:23:39,595 --> 00:23:42,136 Integration. The trickle-down part of economics. 627 00:23:42,136 --> 00:23:43,887 Swiss Family Robinson. 628 00:23:43,887 --> 00:23:46,053 So, we're just gonna pretend this is fine? 629 00:23:46,053 --> 00:23:47,512 Consider the alternative. 630 00:23:47,512 --> 00:23:49,887 God, guide my hand as I use this device 631 00:23:49,887 --> 00:23:53,303 to wipe the cast of The L Word from Earth. 632 00:23:53,303 --> 00:23:55,970 Trump's cabinet has voted to reinstall the President. 633 00:23:55,970 --> 00:23:58,136 Meanwhile, psychologists unanimously agree 634 00:23:58,136 --> 00:24:01,053 that Trump is a ticking time bomb of unchecked emotion. 635 00:24:01,053 --> 00:24:02,428 But is he? 636 00:24:02,428 --> 00:24:04,970 Or did his bishop just checkmate the media's queen? 637 00:24:04,970 --> 00:24:07,136 I'm Chuck Todd, I pretend to enjoy football 638 00:24:07,136 --> 00:24:10,095 because I'm scared of my dad, and this is Meet the Press. 639 00:24:10,095 --> 00:24:12,553 [Trump] The Arctic shelf is such a drama queen. 640 00:24:12,553 --> 00:24:15,011 I mean, if you're gonna melt, just melt already. 641 00:24:15,011 --> 00:24:16,637 I know that's right. 642 00:24:16,637 --> 00:24:17,845 That's my president. 643 00:24:17,845 --> 00:24:18,887 Shelf bad. 644 00:24:18,887 --> 00:24:20,470 I say we torch the whole thing. 645 00:24:20,470 --> 00:24:22,470 Mr. President, can we take five? 646 00:24:22,470 --> 00:24:25,136 I wouldn't mind popping into the bathroom real quick. 647 00:24:25,136 --> 00:24:27,261 Sure. In the meantime, maybe I'll turn off 648 00:24:27,261 --> 00:24:30,220 all the power grids and see which city screams the loudest. 649 00:24:30,220 --> 00:24:32,136 On second thought, we can hold it. 650 00:24:32,136 --> 00:24:35,679 Luckily for me, I can use my big hat as a toilet! 651 00:24:35,679 --> 00:24:37,428 Why are we still watching this? 652 00:24:37,428 --> 00:24:41,261 Uh, Michelle, I told you, it's going to pay off. 653 00:24:41,261 --> 00:24:42,428 ['80s-style pop music plays] 654 00:24:42,428 --> 00:24:45,512 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 655 00:24:45,512 --> 00:24:49,220 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 656 00:24:49,220 --> 00:24:51,679 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 657 00:24:51,679 --> 00:24:53,011 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 658 00:24:53,011 --> 00:24:56,220 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 659 00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:58,929 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 660 00:24:58,929 --> 00:25:00,345 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 661 00:25:00,345 --> 00:25:03,345 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 662 00:25:03,345 --> 00:25:08,345 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 663 00:25:10,428 --> 00:25:12,303 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 664 00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:15,720 ♪ He is our president ♪ 665 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:19,220 ♪ We made him president ♪ 666 00:25:19,220 --> 00:25:21,553 ♪ We did it ♪ 667 00:25:21,553 --> 00:25:25,470 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 668 00:25:25,470 --> 00:25:28,553 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 669 00:25:28,553 --> 00:25:32,053 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 670 00:25:32,053 --> 00:25:35,595 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 671 00:25:35,595 --> 00:25:39,136 ♪ Yeah ♪ 672 00:25:39,136 --> 00:25:40,720 Trump!