1 00:00:01,553 --> 00:00:04,136 ♪♪♪ 2 00:00:09,011 --> 00:00:11,136 [announcer] Donald Trump Jr. 3 00:00:11,136 --> 00:00:13,679 is testifying to the Senate Intelligence Committee. 4 00:00:13,679 --> 00:00:17,011 Unfortunately, news cameras are not allowed inside. 5 00:00:17,011 --> 00:00:20,011 [tape whirring] 6 00:00:20,011 --> 00:00:23,053 [man] Would the witness please state your name for the record? 7 00:00:23,053 --> 00:00:25,553 D-- Uh-- [clears throat] Donald Trump Jr. 8 00:00:25,553 --> 00:00:29,720 Uh, previous aliases include "D-T-J," "His Royal Drinkiness," 9 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:33,470 "Señor Bong," "The Freak," "2 Fast, 2 Junior-ous," 10 00:00:33,470 --> 00:00:34,929 and "Sir Shits-Himself." 11 00:00:34,929 --> 00:00:36,762 [woman] Did the President have advanced knowledge 12 00:00:36,762 --> 00:00:38,053 of the Trump Tower meeting? 13 00:00:38,053 --> 00:00:40,428 Yeah, but only because he can see the future! 14 00:00:40,428 --> 00:00:43,345 Like, yesterday, he said he just knows he's going to prison. 15 00:00:43,345 --> 00:00:44,970 That's spooky! [woman] Jesus Christ. 16 00:00:44,970 --> 00:00:46,220 You guys are lawyers, right? 17 00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:49,053 So, okay, I backed over this pizza delivery kid, 18 00:00:49,053 --> 00:00:51,762 and his big-ass Adam's apple dinged my bumper! 19 00:00:51,762 --> 00:00:53,220 Am I entitled to compensation? 20 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,845 [man] Please let's stay on topic. 21 00:00:54,845 --> 00:00:55,929 [tape fast-forwarding] 22 00:00:55,929 --> 00:00:57,970 The secret is to launch the firecracker 23 00:00:57,970 --> 00:00:59,762 from the bottom of your crack. 24 00:00:59,762 --> 00:01:00,970 [tape fast-forwarding] 25 00:01:00,970 --> 00:01:03,428 It stings a little, but you get drunker faster! 26 00:01:03,428 --> 00:01:04,595 [tape fast-forwarding] 27 00:01:04,595 --> 00:01:06,220 Russia collusion? Not I! 28 00:01:06,220 --> 00:01:09,178 I've been crab-fishing on the high seas! 29 00:01:09,178 --> 00:01:10,970 [man] Did you hide a sailor suit in the bathroom? 30 00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:12,470 [woman] How do you feel about your father 31 00:01:12,470 --> 00:01:14,095 putting you in this situation? 32 00:01:14,095 --> 00:01:15,720 Oh, no! Here it comes! 33 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,261 [screaming wildly] 34 00:01:17,261 --> 00:01:18,929 I'll tell you everything! 35 00:01:18,929 --> 00:01:22,470 [tape fast-forwarding] 36 00:01:22,470 --> 00:01:26,679 But when I'm in jail, you guys have to take Kim fishing! 37 00:01:26,679 --> 00:01:30,095 Wait. Does that person have to type everything I say? 38 00:01:30,095 --> 00:01:32,011 [man] Yes, it's the stenographer. 39 00:01:32,011 --> 00:01:34,053 Ass! Whoa! She typed it. [clicking] 40 00:01:34,053 --> 00:01:37,178 Ass, ass, balls! She typed that, too! 41 00:01:37,178 --> 00:01:39,720 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 42 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:41,845 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 43 00:01:41,845 --> 00:01:43,470 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls, ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 44 00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:44,845 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ [woman] Oh, for Christ's sake. 45 00:01:44,845 --> 00:01:46,470 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls, ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 46 00:01:46,470 --> 00:01:48,303 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls, ass, ass, ass, balls ♪ 47 00:01:48,303 --> 00:01:51,053 ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass ♪ 48 00:01:51,053 --> 00:01:52,804 ♪ B-a-a-a-a-alls ♪ [clicking] 49 00:01:52,804 --> 00:01:55,512 She's still typing! [man] That's enough! 50 00:01:55,512 --> 00:01:57,136 And could you read that back for us? 51 00:01:57,136 --> 00:01:58,512 [stenographer] "Ass, ass, ass, balls." 52 00:01:58,512 --> 00:02:00,428 -[chuckling] -"Ass, ass, ass, balls." 53 00:02:00,428 --> 00:02:02,261 ♪♪♪ 54 00:02:02,261 --> 00:02:04,303 You like my sign? 55 00:02:04,303 --> 00:02:06,136 Okay, who built this sign?! 56 00:02:06,136 --> 00:02:09,887 ♪♪♪ 57 00:02:09,887 --> 00:02:13,553 ♪ patriotic music plays ♪ 58 00:02:13,553 --> 00:02:15,512 [President Trump] Pizzuh-hut, Soldiers! 59 00:02:15,512 --> 00:02:19,345 We're here in one of Iraq's most Middle Eastern-y cities 60 00:02:19,345 --> 00:02:23,387 to recognize the troops and women dressed as troops 61 00:02:23,387 --> 00:02:26,762 for their tremendous service in wars or whatever. 62 00:02:26,762 --> 00:02:28,345 Mr. President, I want to introduce you 63 00:02:28,345 --> 00:02:30,679 to one of our bravest, Sergeant Tully. She's -- 64 00:02:30,679 --> 00:02:33,136 [golf club swings] Shit! I friggin' whiffed! 65 00:02:33,136 --> 00:02:35,845 I wish I could be there to shake your dehydrated hands, 66 00:02:35,845 --> 00:02:37,512 but, you know, golf. 67 00:02:37,512 --> 00:02:40,095 We understand. You're very busy, sir. 68 00:02:40,095 --> 00:02:43,011 Hey, you got the next, much worse thing, Mike Pence. 69 00:02:43,011 --> 00:02:45,178 Shake their hands for me, Mikey! 70 00:02:45,178 --> 00:02:47,261 Pardon my use of the Pence family glove. 71 00:02:47,261 --> 00:02:49,637 Karen says, "Touching a career woman's hand 72 00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:52,095 is a backstage pass to Hades' land." 73 00:02:52,095 --> 00:02:55,637 Don't shake her hand loud! It'll distract my swing! 74 00:02:55,637 --> 00:02:57,345 ♪♪♪ 75 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,512 I'm Jake Tapper. 76 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,011 And a reminder for folks at home -- 77 00:03:01,011 --> 00:03:03,053 no talking during my show. 78 00:03:03,053 --> 00:03:06,053 It appears the President would rather grip his five-iron 79 00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,095 than the hand of a soldier. 80 00:03:08,095 --> 00:03:09,470 This behavior has been satirized 81 00:03:09,470 --> 00:03:12,178 by some of America's most skilled cartoonists, 82 00:03:12,178 --> 00:03:15,387 including TV newsman Jake Tapper. 83 00:03:15,387 --> 00:03:18,136 Let's check in with President Chump. 84 00:03:18,136 --> 00:03:21,553 [Tapper] President Chump was golfing, 85 00:03:21,553 --> 00:03:24,970 when he should've been respecting our troops. 86 00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:26,387 ♪ brass fanfare plays ♪ 87 00:03:26,387 --> 00:03:29,720 It seems this presidency is hitting a lot of bogies. 88 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,929 [crowd disappointedly ahhs] 89 00:03:32,929 --> 00:03:34,220 And that's our show. 90 00:03:34,220 --> 00:03:36,887 Sorry we didn't get to the Flint water crisis. 91 00:03:36,887 --> 00:03:38,220 Tapper is relentless. 92 00:03:38,220 --> 00:03:40,053 Announce my resignation before he draws 93 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,804 another President Chump! 94 00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:43,762 Everything's gonna be fine! 95 00:03:43,762 --> 00:03:46,553 Let's just fly you to Iraq to shake a few hands, 96 00:03:46,553 --> 00:03:49,804 hug a few flags, go pat-pat on a tank like it's a Corgi. 97 00:03:49,804 --> 00:03:53,762 How about instead of Iraq, I fly to -- wait for it -- 98 00:03:53,762 --> 00:03:54,762 [both] Mar-a-Lago? 99 00:03:54,762 --> 00:03:56,762 Mar-a-Lago! Yes! 100 00:03:56,762 --> 00:04:00,261 A lot of the club members are military defense contractors. 101 00:04:00,261 --> 00:04:02,345 Why talk to a soldier about war 102 00:04:02,345 --> 00:04:05,595 when you can laugh with a billionaire about war crimes? 103 00:04:05,595 --> 00:04:08,387 You could simply mouth the words "Thank you for your service," 104 00:04:08,387 --> 00:04:10,053 and I'll fill in the voice later. 105 00:04:10,053 --> 00:04:12,595 [as Pres. Trump] "Ehhh! Thank you for your service. Ehhh!" 106 00:04:12,595 --> 00:04:16,845 It's their job! Am I supposed to thank this Robo-Vacuum, too? 107 00:04:16,845 --> 00:04:18,136 Without the Robo-Vacuum, 108 00:04:18,136 --> 00:04:20,220 you'd be ankle deep in Pop-Tart crumbs. 109 00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:22,011 Why don't we just invite Bill Shine back? 110 00:04:22,011 --> 00:04:24,470 He's the king of optics. No, no, Conway. 111 00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:28,095 I got a simple no-fuss solution to put this issue to bed. 112 00:04:28,095 --> 00:04:31,553 It's time to bring home all the brave, sweaty troops, 113 00:04:31,553 --> 00:04:35,345 and no troops means no me sitting on a plane for ten hours 114 00:04:35,345 --> 00:04:37,887 just to shake hands with some guy named Kyle. 115 00:04:37,887 --> 00:04:39,387 Okay. World peace. 116 00:04:39,387 --> 00:04:40,720 Was the Defense Department made aware? 117 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,804 Chopper's too loud! Can't hear you! Ha, ha! 118 00:04:43,804 --> 00:04:45,553 [Don Jr.] Whatever, Louis! 119 00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:48,512 I didn't even want to go hunting with you anyway! 120 00:04:48,512 --> 00:04:50,929 Ever since I started using every waking moment 121 00:04:50,929 --> 00:04:53,011 of my adult life to compliment my dad, 122 00:04:53,011 --> 00:04:54,470 I have, like, no friends! 123 00:04:54,470 --> 00:04:55,804 I'm your friend! 124 00:04:55,804 --> 00:04:58,136 You're not my friend, Eric. You're my brother and enemy. 125 00:04:58,136 --> 00:05:00,345 I'm not even getting likes on this dank photo 126 00:05:00,345 --> 00:05:03,053 of me playing patty-cake with a jaguar carcass! 127 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,512 -Elon Musk liked it. -Yeah, right. 128 00:05:05,512 --> 00:05:10,011 Like Mr. Tesla himself, owner of "stankmemes.com," 129 00:05:10,011 --> 00:05:12,136 would ever like my dumb po-oh... 130 00:05:12,136 --> 00:05:14,804 my...ass. 131 00:05:14,804 --> 00:05:16,428 ♪♪♪ 132 00:05:16,428 --> 00:05:18,220 Joining me now to discuss the President's 133 00:05:18,220 --> 00:05:21,595 sudden mass troop withdrawal -- self-appointed spokesman 134 00:05:21,595 --> 00:05:23,470 for millions of unwitting servicemen, 135 00:05:23,470 --> 00:05:24,762 Senator Lindsey Graham. 136 00:05:24,762 --> 00:05:27,095 The only way to keep this country safe 137 00:05:27,095 --> 00:05:29,720 is to have troops in Yemen for so long 138 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,136 that, when they come home, their dogs forget their scent 139 00:05:32,136 --> 00:05:33,595 and have to take cues from the room 140 00:05:33,595 --> 00:05:35,553 that they should be jumping around all silly-like. 141 00:05:35,553 --> 00:05:39,762 Which brings us to the latest installment of President Chump. 142 00:05:39,762 --> 00:05:40,929 Do I have to stay? 143 00:05:40,929 --> 00:05:42,553 ♪ whimsical music plays ♪ 144 00:05:42,553 --> 00:05:45,970 [Tapper] The President is withdrawing the troops. 145 00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:48,679 You can't do that at the ATM. 146 00:05:48,679 --> 00:05:51,303 It's not the American Troop Machine. 147 00:05:51,303 --> 00:05:52,512 ♪ sad horn plays ♪ 148 00:05:52,512 --> 00:05:54,095 Unfortunately, the only currency 149 00:05:54,095 --> 00:05:56,387 the military accepts is respect, 150 00:05:56,387 --> 00:06:00,053 a phrase made famous by soul singer Aretha Franklin. 151 00:06:00,053 --> 00:06:02,470 ♪ Aretha Franklin ♪ 152 00:06:02,470 --> 00:06:05,512 Tapper, stop! I'm a human being, damn it! 153 00:06:05,512 --> 00:06:07,845 Sir, you can't withdraw the entire military 154 00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,970 just to avoid awkward conversation. 155 00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,470 Just pretend the troops are me 156 00:06:11,470 --> 00:06:13,804 and replicate our natural, jazz-like banter. 157 00:06:13,804 --> 00:06:16,387 The closest our conversations get to jazz 158 00:06:16,387 --> 00:06:18,470 is when I threaten to beat you with a saxophone. 159 00:06:18,470 --> 00:06:20,887 The bottom line is the perpetual war state 160 00:06:20,887 --> 00:06:22,720 only allows the commander-in-chief 161 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:26,762 to add troops or shuffle the more confused ones to the back. 162 00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,387 ♪♪♪ 163 00:06:29,387 --> 00:06:31,595 Bill Shine. What are you doing here? 164 00:06:31,595 --> 00:06:33,178 Kellyanne told me you're upset. 165 00:06:33,178 --> 00:06:34,720 You only called into Fox & Friends 166 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,470 for 70 minutes today? 167 00:06:36,470 --> 00:06:38,095 Bill, everyone acts like 168 00:06:38,095 --> 00:06:41,011 troops sacrifice more than I do for this country. 169 00:06:41,011 --> 00:06:42,845 Did you know they let injured veterans 170 00:06:42,845 --> 00:06:44,428 skip the line at Space Mountain? 171 00:06:44,428 --> 00:06:45,804 Doesn't seem right! 172 00:06:45,804 --> 00:06:48,011 That's exactly what I told Goofy. 173 00:06:48,011 --> 00:06:51,428 It's as if my injury doesn't matter. 174 00:06:51,428 --> 00:06:54,470 [President Trump] It was 1969, and I was shipping out 175 00:06:54,470 --> 00:06:57,011 for my fifth deferment from Vietnam. 176 00:06:57,011 --> 00:06:58,428 Nixon had been elected. 177 00:06:58,428 --> 00:07:01,303 Loser John McCain was still in a P-O-W camp 178 00:07:01,303 --> 00:07:02,929 for being a total loser, 179 00:07:02,929 --> 00:07:05,929 and my foot had an appointment with the podiatrist. 180 00:07:05,929 --> 00:07:09,470 America's most notorious draft dodgers were there -- 181 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:11,595 Dutch, an English major from Yale... 182 00:07:11,595 --> 00:07:14,470 Snake Stan from Harvard, an English major. 183 00:07:14,470 --> 00:07:16,804 And Grunt. By God, he was only 18, 184 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,887 celebrating his last summer before shipping off to Yale 185 00:07:19,887 --> 00:07:22,804 for his double major in literature and English. 186 00:07:22,804 --> 00:07:26,136 Give it to me straight, Doc, exactly how my dad told you to. 187 00:07:26,136 --> 00:07:27,970 You have bone spurs. 188 00:07:27,970 --> 00:07:29,970 ♪ My foot hurts ♪ 189 00:07:29,970 --> 00:07:32,470 -♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ My foot hurts ♪ 190 00:07:32,470 --> 00:07:34,720 I left my innocence on the carpet 191 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,679 of that podiatrist's office. 192 00:07:36,679 --> 00:07:38,428 We all did. It's disgraceful 193 00:07:38,428 --> 00:07:41,095 how America treats its draft-dodging scions! 194 00:07:41,095 --> 00:07:42,512 I'll handle this. 195 00:07:42,512 --> 00:07:44,428 You just focus on being the first president 196 00:07:44,428 --> 00:07:47,303 to say "dongasorus" on Yom Kippur. 197 00:07:47,303 --> 00:07:49,553 [Don Jr.] Did you know Elon Musk went bald 198 00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:52,595 and genius-scienced an entire new head of hair? 199 00:07:52,595 --> 00:07:54,136 Just like Dad! 200 00:07:54,136 --> 00:07:56,011 Dad's hair is real, idiot! 201 00:07:56,011 --> 00:07:57,637 [line ringing] 202 00:07:57,637 --> 00:07:58,887 [cellphone rings] 203 00:07:58,887 --> 00:08:01,095 [coughing] 204 00:08:01,095 --> 00:08:03,845 Any moment now, I will be high. 205 00:08:03,845 --> 00:08:06,929 Hello? This is Elon Musk. You're living in a simulation. 206 00:08:06,929 --> 00:08:10,845 Hey! This is Don Junior Trump. You know, from the news? 207 00:08:10,845 --> 00:08:14,595 Ohh. Don Junior Trump. How did you get my number? 208 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,387 You tweeted that you paid five million bucks 209 00:08:16,387 --> 00:08:18,345 for the number 420-6-9. 210 00:08:18,345 --> 00:08:19,679 Oh, lé cool. 211 00:08:19,679 --> 00:08:23,136 So you're the Trump kid with the jaguar carcass? 212 00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,679 Yeah! You should come by and shoot it some more! 213 00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:28,637 And maybe hang out? Is that awkward? 214 00:08:28,637 --> 00:08:31,261 -Desperate, much?! -I'm nervous! 215 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,387 No, no, it's not awkward turtle. 216 00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:35,470 I'm pretty busy innovating right now. 217 00:08:35,470 --> 00:08:36,804 [notification chimes] Uh... 218 00:08:36,804 --> 00:08:39,553 But I could come by in, like, 18.4 minutes. 219 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,553 ♪♪♪ 220 00:08:41,553 --> 00:08:43,762 [Shine] Look at these brave soldiers. 221 00:08:43,762 --> 00:08:46,220 This is how we're gonna fix your handshake problem. 222 00:08:46,220 --> 00:08:49,845 For decades, rumors spread that this flag planting was staged, 223 00:08:49,845 --> 00:08:53,095 a bigger sham than Glenn Beck becoming a scarf guy! 224 00:08:53,095 --> 00:08:54,512 But validity doesn't matter 225 00:08:54,512 --> 00:08:57,053 if the story is prime for marbleizing. 226 00:08:57,053 --> 00:08:58,720 Don't shake it. Fake it! 227 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:02,512 Shine, last time I participated in a misinformation campaign, 228 00:09:02,512 --> 00:09:05,637 I became president of the United States. Barf. 229 00:09:05,637 --> 00:09:07,553 Fair enough. I guess you could sacrifice 230 00:09:07,553 --> 00:09:09,929 one weekend and fly to Iraq... 231 00:09:09,929 --> 00:09:14,470 ♪♪♪ 232 00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:16,470 Describe when you feel the pain in your feet. 233 00:09:16,470 --> 00:09:18,428 Every time I almost serve in the military, 234 00:09:18,428 --> 00:09:21,428 it stings pretty bad. 235 00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,387 I've already made one sacrifice for this country, Bill, 236 00:09:24,387 --> 00:09:26,053 and I'm not about to make another. 237 00:09:26,053 --> 00:09:28,053 Then, Mr. President, let's fake 238 00:09:28,053 --> 00:09:31,261 you shaking a soldier's hand. 239 00:09:31,261 --> 00:09:32,595 What the hell was that? 240 00:09:32,595 --> 00:09:34,095 A fake-out, sir. 241 00:09:34,095 --> 00:09:35,303 Oh, I get it. 242 00:09:35,303 --> 00:09:37,428 Do that again, and I'll fucking kill ya. 243 00:09:37,428 --> 00:09:40,178 ♪♪♪ 244 00:09:40,178 --> 00:09:41,720 [President Trump] So, what's the best way 245 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,220 to fake this troop handshake? 246 00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:45,261 I-I'm new to this whole lying thing. 247 00:09:45,261 --> 00:09:46,595 [uproarious laughter] 248 00:09:46,595 --> 00:09:48,553 Okay, okay. 249 00:09:48,553 --> 00:09:49,929 [laughter continues] I said okay! 250 00:09:49,929 --> 00:09:52,387 This country has a rich history of fakery, 251 00:09:52,387 --> 00:09:55,428 like pretending we care about human rights in South America 252 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,220 and not just their tasty bananas. 253 00:09:57,220 --> 00:09:59,595 If you need any fake Iraqi backdrops painted, 254 00:09:59,595 --> 00:10:02,887 it's watercolor week at Karen's heterosexual art class. 255 00:10:02,887 --> 00:10:04,136 I can take every textbook 256 00:10:04,136 --> 00:10:06,136 and paste a bit about you visiting Iraq 257 00:10:06,136 --> 00:10:09,053 over the ten-word summary on that whole Rosa Parks bus thing. 258 00:10:09,053 --> 00:10:12,553 These are the worst goddamn pitches I've ever heard! 259 00:10:12,553 --> 00:10:14,136 And Bill O'Reilly once pitched me 260 00:10:14,136 --> 00:10:16,303 a call-in show titled Late Night Whack Off. 261 00:10:16,303 --> 00:10:18,261 We're just gonna film it on a soundstage. 262 00:10:18,261 --> 00:10:21,011 Can my actress wife play a flight attendant or something? 263 00:10:21,011 --> 00:10:23,470 -No! -Don't blame ya. She sucks. 264 00:10:23,470 --> 00:10:25,428 Just need to be able to tell her I tried. 265 00:10:25,428 --> 00:10:28,804 [Don Jr.] I can't believe I'm boozing with Elon Musk. 266 00:10:28,804 --> 00:10:31,637 It's nice to hang with someone not trying to cancel me. 267 00:10:31,637 --> 00:10:33,970 People talk about me like I'm Dr. Evil. 268 00:10:33,970 --> 00:10:35,720 But Dr. Evil rules. 269 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,512 And Mini-Me, too! [chuckles] 270 00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:39,679 Shit. Rest in peace, Mini-Me. 271 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:41,345 I really thought I'd win the public's love 272 00:10:41,345 --> 00:10:42,845 with my new hyperloop, 273 00:10:42,845 --> 00:10:45,679 but not even a luxury-car portal for billionaires 274 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,011 could turn my image around. 275 00:10:47,011 --> 00:10:49,845 No matter how hard we try, we just can't get poor 276 00:10:49,845 --> 00:10:52,178 and therefore ugly people to like us. 277 00:10:52,178 --> 00:10:54,512 -To real friends! -And Mini-Me! 278 00:10:54,512 --> 00:10:56,679 ♪♪♪ 279 00:10:56,679 --> 00:10:58,512 [President Trump] Who are we getting to direct this 280 00:10:58,512 --> 00:10:59,929 handshake video -- Woody Allen, 281 00:10:59,929 --> 00:11:02,011 Bryan Singer, Mario Batali? 282 00:11:02,011 --> 00:11:05,345 I'll film it. I was the visionary behind Jesse Watters 283 00:11:05,345 --> 00:11:08,261 going down to Chinatown to mock first-generation immigrants 284 00:11:08,261 --> 00:11:10,345 who can't quote Tommy Boy. Cool! 285 00:11:10,345 --> 00:11:13,136 Now, I'm thinking the troops come out to their theme song, 286 00:11:13,136 --> 00:11:15,637 which is just the word "money" 500 times. 287 00:11:15,637 --> 00:11:17,178 Um, that's The Apprentice. 288 00:11:17,178 --> 00:11:19,845 Okay. How 'bout this -- instead of troops, 289 00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:22,428 we bring in tax-evading sitcom sidekicks, 290 00:11:22,428 --> 00:11:24,053 bald country musicians, 291 00:11:24,053 --> 00:11:26,428 and a young, weeping Piers Morgan. 292 00:11:26,428 --> 00:11:29,345 -Celebrity Apprentice! -It worked then; it'll work now! 293 00:11:29,345 --> 00:11:32,261 I'd like to get to some of the stars if I can, 294 00:11:32,261 --> 00:11:34,553 but, if not, maybe upload my consciousness 295 00:11:34,553 --> 00:11:36,929 into, like, that star... or even that one. 296 00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:39,470 Elon, this has been the best night of my life, 297 00:11:39,470 --> 00:11:41,553 and I once saw the Cash Cab drive by. 298 00:11:41,553 --> 00:11:44,261 Hey, do you think my dad would want one of your hyperloops? 299 00:11:44,261 --> 00:11:45,387 He'd probably prefer it. 300 00:11:45,387 --> 00:11:47,095 Air Force One's toilet flushes scary. 301 00:11:47,095 --> 00:11:48,595 Well, here's the great thing. 302 00:11:48,595 --> 00:11:50,679 You don't need a toilet on the hyperloop. 303 00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:52,553 You go so fast, your body's only capable 304 00:11:52,553 --> 00:11:54,887 of discharging orgasmic delirium. 305 00:11:54,887 --> 00:11:56,303 But how would we pay for it? 306 00:11:56,303 --> 00:11:58,887 I've been in the red ever since I went all-in on currency 307 00:11:58,887 --> 00:12:00,762 for a fake country called Abo Dabbo. 308 00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:02,762 Uh, do you think getting funding from Congress 309 00:12:02,762 --> 00:12:05,095 would be fire or, like, suss? 310 00:12:05,095 --> 00:12:07,762 Good luck getting it through those vanilla dorks. 311 00:12:07,762 --> 00:12:09,804 They wouldn't even let my dad build a wall 312 00:12:09,804 --> 00:12:11,762 between refugees and their newborns. 313 00:12:11,762 --> 00:12:13,804 Don't worry. I'm from Silicon Valley. 314 00:12:13,804 --> 00:12:16,762 With a smoke machine, disorienting house music, 315 00:12:16,762 --> 00:12:19,929 and the unblinking confidence of a YouTube pickup artist, 316 00:12:19,929 --> 00:12:22,303 anything is possible. 317 00:12:22,303 --> 00:12:25,387 That star's pretty cool. So many cool stars. 318 00:12:25,387 --> 00:12:27,345 ♪♪♪ 319 00:12:27,345 --> 00:12:30,136 This reminds me of the good ol' days at Fox News. 320 00:12:30,136 --> 00:12:33,929 I bet Roger Ailes is in heaven right now, groping down on us. 321 00:12:33,929 --> 00:12:35,470 My brother started Blackwater 322 00:12:35,470 --> 00:12:37,595 and gave me some tips to get into character -- 323 00:12:37,595 --> 00:12:39,553 back straight, chin up, shoot a few civilians. 324 00:12:39,553 --> 00:12:41,720 [Mnuchin] Oh, that's a good idea. We should do that. 325 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,303 I'm late. Whatever. 326 00:12:43,303 --> 00:12:44,512 Go over there and shake 327 00:12:44,512 --> 00:12:46,720 Lieutenant Mnuchin's hand, please. We're rolling. 328 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,970 Well, wait a second. I have to shake a hand? 329 00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:50,428 -Jesus fucking hell! -Ugh! 330 00:12:50,428 --> 00:12:52,845 Fine, fine! Shut up! 331 00:12:52,845 --> 00:12:54,679 And...action! 332 00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:57,804 Wow! Troops! We love the troops! 333 00:12:57,804 --> 00:13:00,637 Oh, no! Enemy attack! I'm so brave! 334 00:13:00,637 --> 00:13:02,762 No other president has ever done this! 335 00:13:02,762 --> 00:13:04,595 I must really love our troops! 336 00:13:04,595 --> 00:13:06,220 [sighs] We'll fix it in post. 337 00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:09,762 No other president has ever done this! 338 00:13:09,762 --> 00:13:11,804 I must really love our troops! 339 00:13:11,804 --> 00:13:14,595 Okay. I'm going to re-defeat ISIS! 340 00:13:14,595 --> 00:13:15,970 [President Trump grunting] 341 00:13:15,970 --> 00:13:18,637 [wham! boing! pop! squeak!] 342 00:13:18,637 --> 00:13:20,470 [President Trump grunting] 343 00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:22,261 [President Trump] Ahh! That's right, ISIS! 344 00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:23,470 [boxing bell dings] 345 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,053 Alright, that's all set. 346 00:13:25,053 --> 00:13:27,345 This handshake has once again proved 347 00:13:27,345 --> 00:13:30,095 our President's undying primordial love 348 00:13:30,095 --> 00:13:31,387 for this country! 349 00:13:31,387 --> 00:13:35,512 Folks, we're having a parade for him across the entire nation 350 00:13:35,512 --> 00:13:37,303 right now led by me! 351 00:13:37,303 --> 00:13:39,762 Let's go! [imitates parade march] 352 00:13:39,762 --> 00:13:43,178 Looks like President Chump has become President Champ. 353 00:13:43,178 --> 00:13:44,595 [boxing bell dings] But instead of 354 00:13:44,595 --> 00:13:48,136 climbing the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, 355 00:13:48,136 --> 00:13:51,970 like Rocky did, he's climbing the ranks of best Presidents. 356 00:13:51,970 --> 00:13:54,261 ♪ Yeah, hey ♪ 357 00:13:54,261 --> 00:13:56,679 [Don Jr.] Cory Booker's up there? 358 00:13:56,679 --> 00:14:00,178 That guy's cool as ass! He wears jeans on the weekends. 359 00:14:00,178 --> 00:14:02,512 Just remember -- be as cold and inhuman 360 00:14:02,512 --> 00:14:04,178 as the technology you're selling. 361 00:14:04,178 --> 00:14:06,679 Thanks. 362 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,595 Oh, and, Elon? 363 00:14:08,595 --> 00:14:09,720 Yeah? 364 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:10,929 Thanks. 365 00:14:10,929 --> 00:14:13,887 ♪♪♪ 366 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:16,720 I'm here to revolutionize the world 367 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,845 by installing mass transit for the rest of us. 368 00:14:19,845 --> 00:14:22,053 People who flip out if the flight attendant 369 00:14:22,053 --> 00:14:25,303 asks us to alter our behavior in literally any way. 370 00:14:25,303 --> 00:14:27,387 As a resident of Silicon Valley... 371 00:14:27,387 --> 00:14:28,887 -[senator 1] Ooh! -[senator 2] He lives there. 372 00:14:28,887 --> 00:14:31,720 ...I know what it takes to build this hyperloop 373 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:34,720 fast, cheap, and with technology. 374 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,345 I've been told technology is the future of tech! 375 00:14:37,345 --> 00:14:39,303 Here's a normal train going very slow as ass. 376 00:14:39,303 --> 00:14:40,887 -[senator] Boo! -[Booker] Boresville! 377 00:14:40,887 --> 00:14:42,553 [Schumer] Where's the technology? 378 00:14:42,553 --> 00:14:45,345 But here is my hyperloop, going so fast! 379 00:14:45,345 --> 00:14:46,428 Look at it go! 380 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,387 It's faster than the slow one! 381 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,762 Hey, Schumer, what's the most annoying thing 382 00:14:50,762 --> 00:14:51,970 about mass transit? 383 00:14:51,970 --> 00:14:54,095 When loud groups of unruly teenagers 384 00:14:54,095 --> 00:14:55,720 mock my sensible shoes. 385 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,470 We're on our feet all day! 386 00:14:57,470 --> 00:15:00,470 My hyperloop takes the mass out of mass transit. 387 00:15:00,470 --> 00:15:02,720 It's just you and your car underground. 388 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,970 [senator] So it's a car tunnel? 389 00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:06,512 Turn up the fog. 390 00:15:06,512 --> 00:15:09,011 [senators] Ooh! Great fog tech! 391 00:15:09,011 --> 00:15:11,428 For a hyperloop from -- and I'm thinking randomly -- 392 00:15:11,428 --> 00:15:13,345 Washington, D.C., to Mar-a-Lago, 393 00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:16,220 all I'm asking for is $40 million. 394 00:15:16,220 --> 00:15:17,762 Make it a billion, and you have a deal! 395 00:15:17,762 --> 00:15:20,261 [applause] 396 00:15:20,261 --> 00:15:23,929 [all chanting] Speech! Speech! Speech! 397 00:15:23,929 --> 00:15:26,720 Bill, we did it. We made it look like I did it. 398 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,804 How are you this good at optics? 399 00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:31,637 Let's just say... I'm seeing 20/20! 400 00:15:31,637 --> 00:15:32,887 [laughter] Oh, no. 401 00:15:32,887 --> 00:15:36,011 Shut the hell up until I get it! 402 00:15:36,011 --> 00:15:38,011 [feedback whines] Hey, everyone. 403 00:15:38,011 --> 00:15:41,261 My wife bought me a Sony Mini-DCR HC26 404 00:15:41,261 --> 00:15:44,303 a couple Christmases ago, so I caught some fun bloopers. 405 00:15:44,303 --> 00:15:46,095 Enjoy. 406 00:15:46,095 --> 00:15:48,303 Uh-oh. Here we go. 407 00:15:48,303 --> 00:15:49,929 [beep] 408 00:15:49,929 --> 00:15:51,470 Thank you for your shervish. 409 00:15:51,470 --> 00:15:52,679 -Shervish?! -Wait, wait. 410 00:15:52,679 --> 00:15:54,303 [laughter] 411 00:15:54,303 --> 00:15:55,845 [beep] He said what?! 412 00:15:55,845 --> 00:15:57,804 Thank you for your service. 413 00:15:57,804 --> 00:15:59,053 [Conway] Oh, my God! 414 00:15:59,053 --> 00:16:01,136 [Shine] Oh, my God! Call an ambulance! 415 00:16:01,136 --> 00:16:03,011 [beep] Oh, no. 416 00:16:03,011 --> 00:16:05,095 Where is Mnuchin, anyway? 417 00:16:05,095 --> 00:16:07,053 God. I don't even know why I'm doing this. 418 00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:09,637 I genuinely hate the troops. [laughter] 419 00:16:09,637 --> 00:16:11,178 You shouldn't laugh at that! 420 00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:13,345 Honestly, it should turn your blood cold. 421 00:16:13,345 --> 00:16:17,178 Because I am serious. I absolutely hate the troops! 422 00:16:18,887 --> 00:16:20,261 [Pompeo] Pompeo Productions. 423 00:16:20,261 --> 00:16:21,345 [gunfire] 424 00:16:21,345 --> 00:16:22,387 [applause] 425 00:16:22,387 --> 00:16:24,512 Wow. I'm glad you guys like it. 426 00:16:24,512 --> 00:16:26,720 I was nervous when I posted it on YouTube. 427 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,345 [glass shatters] 428 00:16:29,345 --> 00:16:33,136 I can feel everyone's mad at me, but, again, I don't know why. 429 00:16:33,136 --> 00:16:34,512 [feedback whines] 430 00:16:34,512 --> 00:16:38,428 ♪♪♪ 431 00:16:38,428 --> 00:16:40,428 I'm Wolf Blitzer, and every morning 432 00:16:40,428 --> 00:16:43,512 I wake up in a suit, unsure how it got on my body. 433 00:16:43,512 --> 00:16:44,845 According to a blooper reel 434 00:16:44,845 --> 00:16:48,220 posted by YouTube user "CoolSecretAgent63," 435 00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:51,553 the footage of Trump shaking the hand of troops was staged. 436 00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:53,929 Joining me now, a man whose brain makes him stutter 437 00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:56,679 out of sheer self-preservation, Rudy Giuliani. 438 00:16:56,679 --> 00:16:59,053 Is it true the troops are so insulted 439 00:16:59,053 --> 00:17:01,053 that they no longer want the president to visit? 440 00:17:01,053 --> 00:17:02,595 Now, let me stop you right there, Shep. 441 00:17:02,595 --> 00:17:05,553 Clearly, Donald Trump didn't shake the hand of a real soldier 442 00:17:05,553 --> 00:17:08,220 because he's too lazy to fly to the Middle East. 443 00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:11,011 Uh-oh! Maybe if I say the same thing backwards, 444 00:17:11,011 --> 00:17:12,720 it's like clicking "undo." 445 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:13,970 [making rewind noises] 446 00:17:13,970 --> 00:17:16,178 -I'm so sorry, sir. -Sorry? 447 00:17:16,178 --> 00:17:18,053 The troops found out the video's fake, 448 00:17:18,053 --> 00:17:20,720 and now they hate me so much they don't want me to visit? 449 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,136 Shine, you did it! Whoo! 450 00:17:24,136 --> 00:17:27,303 So, if we convert my dad's bed into the elevator, 451 00:17:27,303 --> 00:17:29,887 he could ride his mattress all the way to Mar-a-Lago! 452 00:17:29,887 --> 00:17:31,595 [sighs] Where's the power source? 453 00:17:31,595 --> 00:17:33,887 Ugh! All this thinking has sobered me up. 454 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,095 Want to go to Bringo's? 455 00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:36,845 It's eleven-dollar Coors' night! 456 00:17:36,845 --> 00:17:39,053 Uh, how 'bout you go and I'll meet you there? 457 00:17:39,053 --> 00:17:41,345 Sometimes a genius needs to work alone, you know? 458 00:17:41,345 --> 00:17:43,303 What's the point of being a genius 459 00:17:43,303 --> 00:17:45,595 if you don't have a best friend to share it with? 460 00:17:45,595 --> 00:17:48,220 What's Albert without Einstein? 461 00:17:48,220 --> 00:17:51,845 Yeah, man, go for it. Whatever you need. I'm good. 462 00:17:51,845 --> 00:17:53,387 [President Trump] I'm heading to Mar-a-Lago 463 00:17:53,387 --> 00:17:54,845 for some well-earned me time. 464 00:17:54,845 --> 00:17:57,929 If Melania asks where I am -- Oh, who am I kidding? 465 00:17:57,929 --> 00:17:59,720 Hey, where's the salute-y guy? 466 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:00,845 You mean the Marine? 467 00:18:00,845 --> 00:18:03,303 He went AWOL when he saw that blooper reel. 468 00:18:03,303 --> 00:18:05,929 Well, one more arm lift I don't have to do today. 469 00:18:05,929 --> 00:18:07,929 Also, your pilots went AWOL, too. 470 00:18:07,929 --> 00:18:10,261 Some people just don't have the personal fortitude 471 00:18:10,261 --> 00:18:12,011 to work for people they hate. 472 00:18:12,011 --> 00:18:14,512 So, you're saying I have to... 473 00:18:14,512 --> 00:18:16,303 [gasps] walk? 474 00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:18,303 ♪ My foot hurts ♪ 475 00:18:18,303 --> 00:18:20,470 I'd rather ride in a shitty hatchback 476 00:18:20,470 --> 00:18:21,970 with Satan himself! 477 00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:24,220 Did someone say hatchback? 478 00:18:24,220 --> 00:18:27,095 All aboard the S.S. S.S.! 479 00:18:27,095 --> 00:18:28,345 ♪♪♪ 480 00:18:28,345 --> 00:18:32,303 Ugh! Elon is six hours late. My Coors is piping-hot now! 481 00:18:32,303 --> 00:18:35,470 Merging technology and government 482 00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:37,845 is an important step Congress must take. 483 00:18:37,845 --> 00:18:40,095 Today, Elon Musk's hyperloop. 484 00:18:40,095 --> 00:18:42,345 Tomorrow, functional voting machines 485 00:18:42,345 --> 00:18:44,095 that don't collapse when you close the curtain. 486 00:18:44,095 --> 00:18:46,845 This hyperloop will have serious BDE, 487 00:18:46,845 --> 00:18:49,470 which, of course, stands for Big Dick Energy. 488 00:18:49,470 --> 00:18:51,970 Yeah. Uh-oh. I said it. Can you turn this off? 489 00:18:51,970 --> 00:18:53,679 The hyperloop is gonna break the Internet. 490 00:18:53,679 --> 00:18:54,929 What does the fox say? 491 00:18:54,929 --> 00:18:56,512 He says, "Anyone who doubts the hyperloop 492 00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:58,011 can cash me outside, how 'bout dah!" 493 00:18:58,011 --> 00:18:59,512 Can you turn this off, please? 494 00:18:59,512 --> 00:19:01,762 Hey...What? Just wanted to take another look 495 00:19:01,762 --> 00:19:03,553 at this hyperloop. [sobbing] Turn it off, please! 496 00:19:03,553 --> 00:19:07,178 Let me tell you guys, the hyperloop will be lit A-F. 497 00:19:07,178 --> 00:19:09,387 Hyperloop, Felicia! Please turn it off! 498 00:19:09,387 --> 00:19:13,387 I've always dreamed we'd drive south together, doing 90, 499 00:19:13,387 --> 00:19:16,595 tailgating some Hispanic family road-tripping to Disney. 500 00:19:16,595 --> 00:19:18,720 Can't we just put on the radio? 501 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,303 How about the one CD that's stuck in there? 502 00:19:21,303 --> 00:19:25,011 [Mussorgsky's "Night on Bald Mountain" plays] 503 00:19:25,011 --> 00:19:27,178 Ah-ah. Don't touch the knob. It only gets louder. 504 00:19:27,178 --> 00:19:29,178 You have any snacks or anything? 505 00:19:29,178 --> 00:19:32,345 Doritos Nacho Blasters? Cheetos Nacho Blast 'Ems? 506 00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:35,303 Something even better than junk food -- Soylent! 507 00:19:35,303 --> 00:19:38,512 All your daily vitamins in one thick lurid cream. 508 00:19:38,512 --> 00:19:40,553 How much longer is this gonna be? 509 00:19:40,553 --> 00:19:43,470 This car is sort of the opposite of that bus from Speed -- 510 00:19:43,470 --> 00:19:46,553 once you get over 60, it immediately blows up. 511 00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:49,095 And that's how I found out that I'm susceptible to cults 512 00:19:49,095 --> 00:19:50,929 but immune to cyanide capsules. 513 00:19:50,929 --> 00:19:52,387 Oh, look, we're here. Let me out! 514 00:19:52,387 --> 00:19:54,095 Hold on. You have to open all the doors at once, 515 00:19:54,095 --> 00:19:55,387 or it doesn't work. 516 00:19:55,387 --> 00:19:58,261 Mar-a-Lago. The one place in the world 517 00:19:58,261 --> 00:20:01,178 where I'm welcomed with open, gold watch-covered arms. 518 00:20:01,178 --> 00:20:03,887 ♪ dramatic music plays ♪ 519 00:20:03,887 --> 00:20:08,220 Oh, no! Every board member is a defense contractor! 520 00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:11,970 Forget the troops! I pissed off Lockheed Martin! 521 00:20:11,970 --> 00:20:13,804 Lockheed... 522 00:20:13,804 --> 00:20:18,095 M-a-a-a-artin! 523 00:20:18,095 --> 00:20:20,512 ["Night on Bald Mountain" plays] 524 00:20:20,512 --> 00:20:22,136 Don't feel bad about getting kicked out 525 00:20:22,136 --> 00:20:23,553 of your own country club, sir. 526 00:20:23,553 --> 00:20:26,261 I've been kicked out of three Red Robins this week 527 00:20:26,261 --> 00:20:27,595 just for scent alone. 528 00:20:27,595 --> 00:20:29,345 Why is it so hot? 529 00:20:29,345 --> 00:20:31,637 I can't turn on the AC without awakening 530 00:20:31,637 --> 00:20:34,595 a nasty colony of hornets currently breeding in there. 531 00:20:34,595 --> 00:20:37,845 [weakly] Just. Take me. Back. 532 00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:39,261 -Boo! Boo! -Troop hater! 533 00:20:39,261 --> 00:20:41,261 [man] Respect the troops! 534 00:20:41,261 --> 00:20:42,553 I hate the people, 535 00:20:42,553 --> 00:20:45,261 but the people aren't supposed to hate me. 536 00:20:45,261 --> 00:20:47,762 I had military-grade wipers installed 537 00:20:47,762 --> 00:20:49,345 just for these situations. 538 00:20:49,345 --> 00:20:51,929 Comes in handy literally every moment of my life. 539 00:20:51,929 --> 00:20:53,887 -This button? -No! That's the AC! 540 00:20:53,887 --> 00:20:55,220 [hornets buzzing] 541 00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:57,011 Arm yourself! It's the queen! 542 00:20:57,011 --> 00:20:59,261 [Don Jr.] Thanks for coming, Jeff Bezos. 543 00:20:59,261 --> 00:21:01,762 I prefer my billionaires without a full head 544 00:21:01,762 --> 00:21:03,387 of luscious high-tech hair. 545 00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:06,303 I'm glad you called and that your father put aside our feud 546 00:21:06,303 --> 00:21:08,512 to learn how Amazon is revolutionizing 547 00:21:08,512 --> 00:21:10,887 the way our economy hollows out the middle class. 548 00:21:10,887 --> 00:21:13,220 Sure. Hey, you know what would be fun? 549 00:21:13,220 --> 00:21:15,637 Doing an Instagram video just for fun. 550 00:21:15,637 --> 00:21:18,553 Hey, Elo-- Er, shit. Hey, everybody! 551 00:21:18,553 --> 00:21:21,470 I'm here with my best billionaire buddy, Jay-zos. 552 00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:24,095 Is Amazon kicking around any cool innovations? 553 00:21:24,095 --> 00:21:26,428 A flying skateboard? Really funny glasses? 554 00:21:26,428 --> 00:21:28,136 We're adding low-cost housing 555 00:21:28,136 --> 00:21:29,845 to our intercontinental cargo ships 556 00:21:29,845 --> 00:21:31,804 so Amazon Fulfillment Families can sort 557 00:21:31,804 --> 00:21:33,970 recurring toiletry orders from the comfort 558 00:21:33,970 --> 00:21:35,595 of their own intermodal containers. 559 00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:37,637 Uck! Why did I think you'd be cool?! 560 00:21:37,637 --> 00:21:40,804 Your claim to fame is delivering a single tube of toothpaste 561 00:21:40,804 --> 00:21:42,011 in nine pounds of cardboard. 562 00:21:42,011 --> 00:21:43,512 Talk about an understatement. 563 00:21:43,512 --> 00:21:45,970 I won't talk about that actually! 564 00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:48,637 [President Trump] Those guys had it made. 565 00:21:48,637 --> 00:21:51,387 A beach covered in blood and guts is still a beach. 566 00:21:51,387 --> 00:21:54,428 There's still time to save yourself, Mr. President! 567 00:21:54,428 --> 00:21:57,637 Senator Lindsey Graham? What are you doing here? 568 00:21:57,637 --> 00:21:59,845 I'm always right behind you, 569 00:21:59,845 --> 00:22:03,178 just in case you need something like a bottle of water, 570 00:22:03,178 --> 00:22:05,512 a folksy saying with racist undertones, 571 00:22:05,512 --> 00:22:07,762 or if you're ever having trouble with the troops... 572 00:22:07,762 --> 00:22:09,512 The last one! Just go meet 'em. 573 00:22:09,512 --> 00:22:12,553 It's not a sacrifice for you. It's a sacrifice for them. 574 00:22:12,553 --> 00:22:14,220 They're the ones who gotta climb 575 00:22:14,220 --> 00:22:16,178 out of their bunks at 2 a.m. for a photo op 576 00:22:16,178 --> 00:22:18,345 even though on the ballot they wrote in "Ron Paul." 577 00:22:18,345 --> 00:22:21,261 But I specifically said I wouldn't go. 578 00:22:21,261 --> 00:22:23,720 How can I betray my principles? 579 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:27,387 I used to say Donald Trump was evil human garbage, 580 00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:30,387 but then my best friend who didn't like me died, 581 00:22:30,387 --> 00:22:33,095 and I needed a new best friend who didn't like me, 582 00:22:33,095 --> 00:22:34,428 and that's you. 583 00:22:34,428 --> 00:22:35,804 ♪♪♪ 584 00:22:35,804 --> 00:22:37,553 [Awesome Chris] Hey, this is Awesome Chris, 585 00:22:37,553 --> 00:22:39,428 and I'm gonna pour 40 ounces of Patrón 586 00:22:39,428 --> 00:22:41,553 into this helium balloon and swallow it. 587 00:22:41,553 --> 00:22:43,679 I wonder if Awesome Chris would be my friend. 588 00:22:43,679 --> 00:22:45,595 -Hey. -What are you doing here? 589 00:22:45,595 --> 00:22:47,679 Shouldn't you be with Cory Booker 590 00:22:47,679 --> 00:22:49,220 and his cool weekend jeans? 591 00:22:49,220 --> 00:22:52,136 Eh. Seeing you with another pursed lipped billionaire 592 00:22:52,136 --> 00:22:53,887 made me miss our laughs. 593 00:22:55,387 --> 00:22:57,887 Remember when we yelled at that waitress for being old, 594 00:22:57,887 --> 00:22:59,553 and she heard us and frowned? 595 00:22:59,553 --> 00:23:01,720 [chuckles] I never meant to use you. 596 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,762 I just saw an opportunity to leverage our friendship 597 00:23:03,762 --> 00:23:06,261 for financial and political gain, and I took it. 598 00:23:06,261 --> 00:23:08,261 You should've just told me that! 599 00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:10,595 I heard your father needs to get to Iraq. 600 00:23:10,595 --> 00:23:12,845 I could sure use some help building a hyperloop. 601 00:23:12,845 --> 00:23:15,345 But Iraq is a hundreds of miles away. 602 00:23:15,345 --> 00:23:18,428 Once you get into the ground, every point is equidistant. 603 00:23:18,428 --> 00:23:21,845 Equi-what?! You are a genius! 604 00:23:21,845 --> 00:23:23,929 [announcer] Tesla Motors. 605 00:23:23,929 --> 00:23:25,512 ♪♪♪ 606 00:23:25,512 --> 00:23:29,220 The future is affluent. 607 00:23:29,220 --> 00:23:32,637 ♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪ 608 00:23:32,637 --> 00:23:34,845 ♪ It's solar power for the elite ♪ 609 00:23:34,845 --> 00:23:36,595 ♪ Solar power for the elite ♪ 610 00:23:36,595 --> 00:23:40,053 ♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪ 611 00:23:40,053 --> 00:23:43,595 ♪ Electric cars for the one percent ♪ 612 00:23:43,595 --> 00:23:47,261 ♪ Millionaires fighting climate change in style ♪ 613 00:23:47,261 --> 00:23:48,637 ♪ In a car made by that guy ♪ 614 00:23:48,637 --> 00:23:51,178 ♪ Who called that Thai diver a pedophile ♪ 615 00:23:51,178 --> 00:23:52,970 ♪ Pedophile, pedophile ♪ 616 00:23:52,970 --> 00:23:54,845 ♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪ 617 00:23:54,845 --> 00:23:58,053 ♪ Electric cars for the elite ♪ 618 00:23:58,053 --> 00:23:59,470 Friends, family, 619 00:23:59,470 --> 00:24:01,595 the millions of people who wanted to be here 620 00:24:01,595 --> 00:24:03,804 but had to pick up a friend from the airport, 621 00:24:03,804 --> 00:24:05,970 today, I head to the Middle East 622 00:24:05,970 --> 00:24:09,136 to shake the hand of a United States soldier. 623 00:24:09,136 --> 00:24:10,470 When will I return? 624 00:24:10,470 --> 00:24:12,512 No one knows, but probably later tonight. 625 00:24:12,512 --> 00:24:14,345 Lindsey, if I don't make it back, 626 00:24:14,345 --> 00:24:15,804 I give you permission to become 627 00:24:15,804 --> 00:24:18,178 an engorged leech upon Mitt Romney. 628 00:24:18,178 --> 00:24:21,470 Thank you, Mr. President. Give that hand hell! 629 00:24:22,762 --> 00:24:24,470 Oh, shit, no pilot. 630 00:24:24,470 --> 00:24:27,136 The military still hates me for hating them! 631 00:24:27,136 --> 00:24:28,387 Handshake is canceled. 632 00:24:28,387 --> 00:24:30,512 Should we just blow up America and start over? 633 00:24:30,512 --> 00:24:34,178 Dad! Wait! I made a friend. 634 00:24:34,178 --> 00:24:36,011 Don, this isn't a time for jokes. 635 00:24:36,011 --> 00:24:38,845 I'm serious! He has this tube, and you get in, 636 00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:40,470 and it's a car, and then you -- 637 00:24:40,470 --> 00:24:41,845 He can explain it better than me, 638 00:24:41,845 --> 00:24:45,053 but you go right to Iraq in, like, ten minutes or something. 639 00:24:45,053 --> 00:24:49,845 ♪♪♪ 640 00:24:49,845 --> 00:24:53,178 Don't worry, Mr. President. We worked out all the kinks. 641 00:24:53,178 --> 00:24:54,345 Who's "we"? 642 00:24:54,345 --> 00:24:56,220 Oh, me and your son Don Jr. 643 00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:57,804 Oh, this will not work. 644 00:24:57,804 --> 00:25:01,053 Relax. I know what I'm doing. I'm from Silicon Vall-- 645 00:25:01,053 --> 00:25:03,637 [explosion] 646 00:25:04,762 --> 00:25:07,512 [weakly] Wh-Wha-- What happened? 647 00:25:07,512 --> 00:25:09,720 You blew up, Dad! It was awesome! 648 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:10,845 And Elon Musk? 649 00:25:10,845 --> 00:25:12,470 He died doing what he loved -- 650 00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:15,762 spending lots of money to explode a thing nobody wanted. 651 00:25:15,762 --> 00:25:18,970 And he'll get to die again, someday. 652 00:25:18,970 --> 00:25:20,720 Elon! You're back! 653 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,345 Well, I downloaded my personality from the cloud 654 00:25:23,345 --> 00:25:25,261 into a genetically altered corpse. 655 00:25:25,261 --> 00:25:28,679 I won't give any more details because they're a tad immoral. 656 00:25:28,679 --> 00:25:32,178 Dad, you got wounded while trying to visit a combat zone! 657 00:25:32,178 --> 00:25:33,845 You're a hero! 658 00:25:33,845 --> 00:25:37,387 ♪♪♪ 659 00:25:37,387 --> 00:25:40,804 And so I stand here in... 660 00:25:40,804 --> 00:25:43,303 Doggy Bag, Iraq... 661 00:25:43,303 --> 00:25:45,887 to shake the hand of the brave citizen 662 00:25:45,887 --> 00:25:50,178 who injured himself on his way to the line of duty -- me. 663 00:25:51,845 --> 00:25:54,261 I encourage the men who serve 664 00:25:54,261 --> 00:25:57,553 and women who abandoned their gender to serve 665 00:25:57,553 --> 00:26:00,929 to take their own hand and shake the hell out of it. 666 00:26:00,929 --> 00:26:02,679 Lord knows I'm not gonna. 667 00:26:02,679 --> 00:26:03,970 Y'all nasty! 668 00:26:03,970 --> 00:26:06,762 -Can we go back to bed? -Ron Paul revolution! 669 00:26:06,762 --> 00:26:09,637 And that was the President earlier today in Iraq, 670 00:26:09,637 --> 00:26:11,303 giving us the inspiration 671 00:26:11,303 --> 00:26:14,762 for another installment of President Chump... 672 00:26:14,762 --> 00:26:17,929 who, after his injury, could receive a Purple Heart. 673 00:26:17,929 --> 00:26:21,095 All he needs is a brain and some courage, 674 00:26:21,095 --> 00:26:25,387 and he'll be the wizard of Washington, D.C. 675 00:26:25,387 --> 00:26:27,762 [chuckles] Those are always fun. 676 00:26:27,762 --> 00:26:30,178 Now on to the looming nuclear war 677 00:26:30,178 --> 00:26:31,929 between India and Pakistan. 678 00:26:31,929 --> 00:26:33,428 ['80s-style pop music plays] 679 00:26:33,428 --> 00:26:36,512 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 680 00:26:36,512 --> 00:26:40,011 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 681 00:26:40,011 --> 00:26:42,470 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 682 00:26:42,470 --> 00:26:43,804 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 683 00:26:43,804 --> 00:26:47,011 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 684 00:26:47,011 --> 00:26:49,720 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 685 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,136 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 686 00:26:51,136 --> 00:26:54,136 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 687 00:26:54,136 --> 00:26:59,136 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 688 00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:03,095 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 689 00:27:03,095 --> 00:27:06,470 ♪ He is our president ♪ 690 00:27:06,470 --> 00:27:09,970 ♪ We made him president ♪ 691 00:27:09,970 --> 00:27:12,303 ♪ We did it ♪ 692 00:27:12,303 --> 00:27:16,220 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 693 00:27:16,220 --> 00:27:19,345 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 694 00:27:19,345 --> 00:27:22,845 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 695 00:27:22,845 --> 00:27:26,387 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 696 00:27:26,387 --> 00:27:30,178 ♪ Yeah ♪ 697 00:27:30,178 --> 00:27:32,011 Trump!