1 00:00:09,253 --> 00:00:13,727 And now a message from our cartoon president. 2 00:00:13,728 --> 00:00:15,019 My fellow Americans 3 00:00:15,020 --> 00:00:18,936 and temporarily unfurloughed nonessential federal dead weight, 4 00:00:18,937 --> 00:00:21,519 we are one year into my presidency, 5 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:25,269 and it's time to finally admit I am absolutely crushing it. 6 00:00:25,270 --> 00:00:28,560 These past few weeks alone, I've achieved headlines with words 7 00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:33,269 like "porn star," "shithole," and "cognitive function." 8 00:00:33,270 --> 00:00:35,727 It's Showtime. I mean, I can say "shithole," right? 9 00:00:35,762 --> 00:00:38,852 Can I say [bleep] [bleep] 10 00:00:38,853 --> 00:00:42,560 No? We found the line for season one! 11 00:00:42,561 --> 00:00:45,013 So, how did I do it? Well, for one, 12 00:00:45,048 --> 00:00:48,103 everyone knows my brain has great bone structure. 13 00:00:48,104 --> 00:00:51,560 My doctor said that my I.Q. was 180/90. 14 00:00:51,561 --> 00:00:54,959 He said I'm so smart that he doesn't know how my organs function. 15 00:00:54,994 --> 00:00:56,560 I mean, I was a great athlete. 16 00:00:56,561 --> 00:00:59,644 The Yankees wanted me to sign, but I was in talks with the Knicks, 17 00:00:59,645 --> 00:01:02,644 which broke down because, how do you say no to the Yankees? 18 00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:04,602 One time, Steinbrenner's having a party, 19 00:01:04,603 --> 00:01:06,644 and Don King walks in with Roger Ailes 20 00:01:06,645 --> 00:01:10,102 and two of the hottest, youngest pieces of ... [bleep] 21 00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:13,477 So, why is this show called "Our Cartoon President?" 22 00:01:13,478 --> 00:01:14,811 No one knows. 23 00:01:14,812 --> 00:01:18,519 But I'd like to think that it's because we're all in this together, folks. 24 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:22,455 Each and every one of you voted for me, and the ones who didn't, 25 00:01:22,490 --> 00:01:24,769 you kind of wanted to see what would happen, 26 00:01:24,770 --> 00:01:27,978 and it's happening more than you could have imagined. 27 00:01:27,979 --> 00:01:31,852 Now, some are worried that this show might humanize me. 28 00:01:31,853 --> 00:01:33,435 Well, too late, folks. 29 00:01:33,436 --> 00:01:36,729 After my recent physical, Dr. Ronny assured me 30 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:41,019 that I am a human being and there's no cure for that. 31 00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:43,269 I'm also our cartoon president, 32 00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:46,894 and our show ... but really mine ... begins now. 33 00:01:46,895 --> 00:01:50,874 [inhales deeply] [music] 34 00:01:50,909 --> 00:01:52,653 [strains, sneezes] 35 00:01:52,897 --> 00:01:56,109 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 36 00:01:56,561 --> 00:02:00,519 [solemn music] 37 00:02:04,937 --> 00:02:07,560 [woman] President Trump enters this beautiful day 38 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:10,311 with a historically low approval rating. 39 00:02:10,346 --> 00:02:11,394 - [President Trump] Fake news. - According to ... 40 00:02:11,395 --> 00:02:12,727 - [man] ...widely reviled... - Fake news. 41 00:02:12,728 --> 00:02:14,144 - [man #2] ...bad president... - Fake news. 42 00:02:14,145 --> 00:02:15,352 - [woman #2] ...piece of shit... - Fake news. 43 00:02:15,353 --> 00:02:17,310 [man #3] Temperature today ... 38, which is still higher 44 00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:18,062 than the president's approval rating. 45 00:02:18,063 --> 00:02:19,228 - Fake weather. - Tomorrow's ... 46 00:02:19,229 --> 00:02:21,228 [upbeat music] 47 00:02:21,229 --> 00:02:23,769 Okay, Fox & Friends, I'm ready. 48 00:02:23,770 --> 00:02:25,981 ♪ Three white people on a couch ♪ 49 00:02:26,016 --> 00:02:27,269 ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪ 50 00:02:27,270 --> 00:02:28,560 Welcome to "Fox & Friends." 51 00:02:28,561 --> 00:02:33,727 It's 6:00 a.m., and, Mr. President, rise and shine, and I love you. 52 00:02:33,728 --> 00:02:36,852 I don't know what it is. There's just something about this show. 53 00:02:36,853 --> 00:02:38,394 Big week at the White House. 54 00:02:38,395 --> 00:02:40,310 First, the State of the Union address, 55 00:02:40,311 --> 00:02:41,644 delivered before a joint session of Congress 56 00:02:41,645 --> 00:02:44,727 broadcast to the eyes of the nation. 57 00:02:44,728 --> 00:02:46,602 Sucks for whoever booked that gig. 58 00:02:46,603 --> 00:02:50,046 And that will be delivered by none other than President Donald Trump. 59 00:02:50,081 --> 00:02:54,391 And we're also celebrating the president's upcoming wedding anniversary. 60 00:02:54,426 --> 00:02:57,727 Maybe if I'm quiet enough she'll sleep through it. [pops can] 61 00:02:57,728 --> 00:02:59,852 - Oh, Donald. - Damn it! 62 00:02:59,853 --> 00:03:02,560 When you dragged me here from New York, I was sad, 63 00:03:02,561 --> 00:03:05,686 but every year, your anniversary gifts remind me 64 00:03:05,687 --> 00:03:08,477 that behind the suit the size of a beach cabana, 65 00:03:08,478 --> 00:03:11,186 there's a blue-cheese-obstructed heart. 66 00:03:11,187 --> 00:03:13,019 That's why this year I'm giving you 67 00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:16,103 the most tremendous anniversary gift yet. 68 00:03:16,104 --> 00:03:17,978 You're gonna love it even better 69 00:03:17,979 --> 00:03:21,269 - than taking you horse hunting. - Really? You promise? 70 00:03:21,270 --> 00:03:23,269 Hey, I didn't get three women to marry me 71 00:03:23,270 --> 00:03:24,978 by breaking promises. 72 00:03:24,979 --> 00:03:27,934 [music] 73 00:03:29,229 --> 00:03:32,435 Why are you looking at me? There's a TV in the room. 74 00:03:32,436 --> 00:03:34,228 Here's what I don't understand. 75 00:03:34,229 --> 00:03:35,936 Why do they get Hanukkah off, 76 00:03:35,937 --> 00:03:39,352 but I have to go to work on President Trump's anniversary? 77 00:03:39,423 --> 00:03:41,422 [mid-tempo music] 78 00:03:41,423 --> 00:03:45,048 And then Hillary called me to concede, and it was official ... 79 00:03:45,049 --> 00:03:47,298 I had won the presidency. 80 00:03:47,299 --> 00:03:50,464 And that's the daily recap of the 2016 election. 81 00:03:50,465 --> 00:03:53,964 Moving on to top stories. A new Quinnipiac poll shows you've cut 82 00:03:53,965 --> 00:03:56,589 much of the excess fat from your approval ratings. 83 00:03:56,590 --> 00:03:57,714 I mean, you got to love an approval rating 84 00:03:57,715 --> 00:04:01,214 - that's nice and trim. - With a firm ass. 85 00:04:01,215 --> 00:04:05,881 - Nuch Dog coming in hot. - A local deli has named a sandwich after you. 86 00:04:05,882 --> 00:04:07,715 - And you didn't lead with that? - Sir, I hate to interrupt, 87 00:04:07,716 --> 00:04:10,689 but have you prepared your State of the Union speech? 88 00:04:10,724 --> 00:04:13,589 Well, I'm definitely gonna bring up that sandwich thing. 89 00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:15,714 And then maybe I'll announce the national bird. 90 00:04:15,715 --> 00:04:18,589 Mr. President, we already have a national bird. 91 00:04:18,590 --> 00:04:20,006 It's the bald eagle. 92 00:04:20,007 --> 00:04:23,756 You make the bald eagle the national flower. Trump picks the bird. 93 00:04:23,757 --> 00:04:26,505 What happened at the end of today's Fox & Friends? 94 00:04:26,506 --> 00:04:28,922 I only caught the first 170 minutes. 95 00:04:28,923 --> 00:04:32,214 Uh, Brian Kilmeade said you're fantastic? 96 00:04:32,215 --> 00:04:35,380 Kilmeade using a three-syllable word? 97 00:04:35,381 --> 00:04:37,173 What are you hiding? 98 00:04:37,174 --> 00:04:39,256 I give Trump's presidency a 10. 99 00:04:39,257 --> 00:04:42,380 - 10 for me. - Well, I'm gonna go with a 9 100 00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:46,349 because a part of my brain is telling me that all of this is wrong. 101 00:04:46,384 --> 00:04:50,422 My God. I've lost Kilmeade. 102 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:53,630 Gentlemen, I took a look at my polls, 103 00:04:53,631 --> 00:04:57,131 and I'm sad to report that our worst fears have come true. [music] 104 00:04:57,132 --> 00:05:01,298 Only 38% of Americans have good taste in presidents. 105 00:05:01,299 --> 00:05:04,048 [sobbing] Does this mean we're moving again? 106 00:05:04,049 --> 00:05:05,505 Shut up, Eric! 107 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,839 - Shut up, Don! - Yeah, shut up, Don. 108 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,131 Shut up, Eric. 109 00:05:09,132 --> 00:05:11,182 I mean, that's actually why I called you both here. 110 00:05:11,217 --> 00:05:14,473 I love you, but I don't need you trying to goose my poll numbers. 111 00:05:14,508 --> 00:05:15,922 You leave the heavy lifting to me 112 00:05:15,923 --> 00:05:19,298 and stick to your roles ... eating Gushers and barfing in hot tubs. 113 00:05:19,299 --> 00:05:21,380 - You got it, Dad. - Uh, hold on. 114 00:05:21,381 --> 00:05:23,415 Dad, we're the best bros you got, dude. 115 00:05:23,450 --> 00:05:25,505 We know Americans way better 116 00:05:25,506 --> 00:05:28,797 than some pollsters who surveyed Americans. 117 00:05:28,798 --> 00:05:31,964 This is the new normal, Don. But don't worry about all this. 118 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:36,071 I got an easy trick presidents use to juice approval ratings. 119 00:05:36,106 --> 00:05:39,922 War time, baby! Give me that nuclear football! 120 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,006 Hyah! 121 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,797 - Give me that. - Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! 122 00:05:42,798 --> 00:05:46,339 Okay, okay. Fine, fine. 123 00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:49,089 So, uh, anyone have any plans this week? 124 00:05:49,090 --> 00:05:51,006 Give me! Uh, I got... 125 00:05:51,007 --> 00:05:54,505 - Come here. - Forget it. If you're gonna hog the football, 126 00:05:54,506 --> 00:05:57,130 why not just take over the whole government? 127 00:05:58,132 --> 00:05:58,965 [door slams] 128 00:05:58,966 --> 00:06:01,965 - Did he just ask us to wage a coup? - I heard "coup." 129 00:06:01,966 --> 00:06:03,380 - He did, right? - I heard it, too. 130 00:06:03,381 --> 00:06:05,110 - I definitely heard the word "coup." - That's what he heard. 131 00:06:05,111 --> 00:06:08,008 Hey, hey. Keep your pants on, ladies. I'll handle this. 132 00:06:11,381 --> 00:06:12,547 Sir? 133 00:06:12,548 --> 00:06:16,173 I'm not talking to General "Won't Let Me Start a War." 134 00:06:16,174 --> 00:06:21,785 Mr. President, is this about what the mean man said on the TV? 135 00:06:21,820 --> 00:06:25,756 - Maybe. - If you really want to be popular, 136 00:06:25,757 --> 00:06:28,048 you don't use the weapons of war. 137 00:06:28,049 --> 00:06:32,173 You use the strongest weapon in the president's arsenal ... 138 00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:34,048 the State of the Union address. [music] 139 00:06:34,049 --> 00:06:38,298 Every respected leader has used the State of the Union 140 00:06:38,299 --> 00:06:42,922 to lay out an inspiring and unified vision for the future. 141 00:06:42,923 --> 00:06:45,630 Franklin D. Roosevelt and the New Deal, 142 00:06:45,631 --> 00:06:48,797 L.B.J. and the Great Society, 143 00:06:48,798 --> 00:06:53,797 Ronald Reagan and the smooth taste of Chesterfield cigarettes. 144 00:06:53,798 --> 00:06:58,298 And now, President Trump, it's your turn. 145 00:06:58,299 --> 00:07:02,256 [crowd chanting] Trump, Trump, Trump. 146 00:07:02,257 --> 00:07:04,672 [horn blares] 147 00:07:04,673 --> 00:07:07,589 [chanting continues] 148 00:07:07,590 --> 00:07:10,339 We've found the president's tax returns. 149 00:07:10,340 --> 00:07:14,089 They say he's the richest man in the world! 150 00:07:14,090 --> 00:07:15,922 [cheers and applause] 151 00:07:15,923 --> 00:07:17,765 Reporting for duty, sir! 152 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,173 That's it! 153 00:07:20,174 --> 00:07:24,173 I'm gonna give the greatest State of the Union address in history. 154 00:07:24,174 --> 00:07:25,589 Mark my words, I'm gonna ... 155 00:07:25,590 --> 00:07:28,630 [grunting] 156 00:07:28,631 --> 00:07:31,048 That's the closest I've gotten. 157 00:07:31,049 --> 00:07:34,422 Wow. What a rush. I'm coming for you. 158 00:07:34,423 --> 00:07:39,006 But until then, I'm gonna win the State of the fricking Union! 159 00:07:39,007 --> 00:07:41,177 [echoing] Fricking Union! Fricking Union! 160 00:07:41,212 --> 00:07:43,797 Fricking Union... 161 00:07:43,848 --> 00:07:46,014 [solemn music] Okay, Paul, 162 00:07:46,015 --> 00:07:49,348 before I lay out my vision for the State of the Union, 163 00:07:49,349 --> 00:07:51,181 what's the House pyrotechnics budget? 164 00:07:51,182 --> 00:07:55,223 We do not have one, sir. That said, I love where your head's at. 165 00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:59,421 We should totally cap it off with some sweet M80s, right, Nuch? 166 00:07:59,456 --> 00:08:00,430 - Whoo! - Whoo-hoo! 167 00:08:00,431 --> 00:08:02,181 [all whooping] 168 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:06,348 - Gentlemen, if I may... - Whoo-whoo! 169 00:08:06,349 --> 00:08:09,472 Y'all looking at me like I'm... crazy. 170 00:08:09,473 --> 00:08:10,931 I didn't start the whoo-whoos, did I? 171 00:08:10,932 --> 00:08:13,348 It's my solemn duty to remind everyone 172 00:08:13,349 --> 00:08:18,223 the State of the Union is not a self-aggrandizing spectacle. 173 00:08:18,224 --> 00:08:22,639 Ugh. Fine! I guess I'll lay out an "agenda." 174 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,597 Let's hear some lines that'll get me a standing O. 175 00:08:25,598 --> 00:08:29,680 Poor people are gross, so let's put smallpox all over pennies. 176 00:08:29,681 --> 00:08:32,056 Nuch Dog with a banger. Keep it going. 177 00:08:32,057 --> 00:08:34,931 Too many people die every day, 178 00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:37,806 and ... and their perfectly good brains go to waste. 179 00:08:37,807 --> 00:08:44,056 We could use brain tissue as insulation for drafty office buildings 180 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:47,555 or, um, little, uh ... little pillows for big dogs. 181 00:08:47,556 --> 00:08:49,555 These sound great. I mean, that applause ... 182 00:08:49,556 --> 00:08:51,056 It's gonna be huge. 183 00:08:51,057 --> 00:08:53,764 So huge that it might finally fill the hole in my heart 184 00:08:53,765 --> 00:08:57,681 left by my callous, unloving father. [music stops] 185 00:08:57,682 --> 00:09:00,511 [silence] 186 00:09:00,556 --> 00:09:02,806 [unenthusiastically] Whoo-whoo. 187 00:09:02,807 --> 00:09:05,389 Well, how do we know the meeting is over? 188 00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:08,465 Does someone say "ding-ding" or "ding-dong"? 189 00:09:12,099 --> 00:09:16,098 Look, Mike, I hate to do this, but I need to listen to you. 190 00:09:16,099 --> 00:09:18,271 I need to get Melania an anniversary gift. 191 00:09:18,306 --> 00:09:21,223 What do you get the woman who has the man who has everything? 192 00:09:21,224 --> 00:09:23,597 - The Bible says in times of ... - Skip it. 193 00:09:23,598 --> 00:09:27,306 I got Karen and her closest gal pals third-row tickets 194 00:09:27,307 --> 00:09:29,223 to Joel Osteen's prayer fest. 195 00:09:29,224 --> 00:09:32,597 I would have joined them, but my impure thoughts 196 00:09:32,598 --> 00:09:35,327 for an audiobook narrator forced me to take shelter in 197 00:09:35,328 --> 00:09:38,555 - the arms of God for the evening. - So, wait, wait. 198 00:09:38,556 --> 00:09:40,597 Y-You pawned Karen off on someone else? 199 00:09:40,598 --> 00:09:44,348 Why, she loves spending time with her fellow Christ-ettes. 200 00:09:44,349 --> 00:09:47,472 Say, why don't we set up the gals on a night out? 201 00:09:47,473 --> 00:09:48,943 Michael, have you met Karen? 202 00:09:48,978 --> 00:09:51,139 It's like talking to a human shower curtain. 203 00:09:51,140 --> 00:09:55,139 - Why, thank you, sir. - That's not a compliment, Michael. 204 00:09:55,140 --> 00:09:58,098 And then Ohio came in, and I was like, "Wow. 205 00:09:58,099 --> 00:10:01,348 - I mean, I think this might happen." - Yeah, whatever, Dad. 206 00:10:01,349 --> 00:10:03,764 So, I know you said we're out of our depth, 207 00:10:03,765 --> 00:10:05,555 but we can boost your image. 208 00:10:05,556 --> 00:10:08,931 Remember when everyone said you were the dumbest person in the world, 209 00:10:08,932 --> 00:10:12,862 then we showed up on TV, and they were like, "We spoke too soon"? 210 00:10:12,897 --> 00:10:14,306 We could be your new spokesmen. 211 00:10:14,307 --> 00:10:16,806 We should definitely get Susan on the paperwork. 212 00:10:16,807 --> 00:10:19,078 Full disclosure, boys ... I sort of made up Susan 213 00:10:19,113 --> 00:10:21,680 so critics would think I had someone doing paperwork. 214 00:10:21,681 --> 00:10:23,764 Wa... Susan's not real? 215 00:10:23,799 --> 00:10:27,223 - But she sounded so nice on the phone. - That was Jared. 216 00:10:27,224 --> 00:10:28,597 All right. Forget Susan. 217 00:10:28,598 --> 00:10:31,847 Imagine it, Dad. Your two sons on television, 218 00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:35,349 - wearing makeup, kicking ass. - Interesting. 219 00:10:35,350 --> 00:10:38,014 Well, any man willing to put on makeup for me has my trust. 220 00:10:38,015 --> 00:10:42,932 - Go on TV, but no Sunday shows. - Fuck yeah! 221 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:45,014 Stick to friendly confines ... Hannity. 222 00:10:45,015 --> 00:10:47,056 But don't talk about Russia. 223 00:10:47,057 --> 00:10:49,502 I'm good. It's Eric you got to worry about it. 224 00:10:49,537 --> 00:10:51,972 Yeah, actually, Dad, uh, it's me you got to worry about. 225 00:10:51,973 --> 00:10:54,014 Eric, if you're ever in doubt, 226 00:10:54,015 --> 00:10:56,847 you just find a policeman and tell him you're lost. 227 00:10:56,848 --> 00:10:58,348 All right, Chuck and Nancy, 228 00:10:58,349 --> 00:11:01,098 before you try to slip your agenda into the State of the Union, 229 00:11:01,099 --> 00:11:04,555 just know you can't soften me up with a bunch of New York talk. 230 00:11:04,556 --> 00:11:06,181 Of course not, Mr. President. 231 00:11:06,182 --> 00:11:09,889 - We're not going to talk about New York. - What about it? 232 00:11:09,890 --> 00:11:11,983 I was taking the Staten Island ferry the other day. 233 00:11:12,018 --> 00:11:14,549 - Empire State Building. - Hudson River. 234 00:11:14,584 --> 00:11:18,223 - Katz's Deli. - Pizza! Uh, train track! 235 00:11:18,224 --> 00:11:19,555 [together] Central Park! 236 00:11:19,556 --> 00:11:21,389 Five. Okay, you won me over. 237 00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:22,722 What do you want me to do? 238 00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:25,306 Just add the word "progress" to your speech 239 00:11:25,307 --> 00:11:29,680 so we can tell our donors that you capitulated to all our demands. 240 00:11:29,681 --> 00:11:31,056 You don't even have to mean it. 241 00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:32,972 Now you're playing to my strengths. 242 00:11:32,973 --> 00:11:35,098 And, by the way, who's in charge of your party? 243 00:11:35,099 --> 00:11:38,666 Right now it seems like a bunch of seagulls fighting over a potato chip. 244 00:11:38,701 --> 00:11:42,473 [gargling] [spits] 245 00:11:44,753 --> 00:11:45,836 - Ted Cruz! - Aah! 246 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:48,877 - What the hell are you doing here? - What am I doing here? 247 00:11:48,878 --> 00:11:50,961 - What are you doing to your teeth? - I'm brushing them. 248 00:11:50,962 --> 00:11:54,554 You got hair on your teeth? What am I missing here, Don? 249 00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:55,919 What do you want, Ted? 250 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,294 I decided to pick the lock on your bedroom, 251 00:11:58,295 --> 00:12:00,961 sneak into your shower, and wait for you to come in 252 00:12:00,962 --> 00:12:03,460 so I could bounce a State of the Union idea off you. 253 00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:05,836 - Oh, here we go. - Here's what I'm thinking. 254 00:12:05,837 --> 00:12:09,211 Around minute three, you pretend like you've lost your place, 255 00:12:09,212 --> 00:12:12,128 say, "Oh, the hell with it," and let your good pal Ted Cruz 256 00:12:12,129 --> 00:12:13,736 - take the reins. - No can do, Ted. 257 00:12:13,771 --> 00:12:16,575 But if it gets you out of my bathroom, I'll tell people you're 258 00:12:16,576 --> 00:12:19,379 not that bad of a guy so they stop judging a book by its odor. 259 00:12:19,414 --> 00:12:22,336 That's got to be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 260 00:12:22,337 --> 00:12:25,669 And in return, I promise not to stab you in the back 261 00:12:25,670 --> 00:12:28,211 - for the sake of attention. - Great. Anything else? 262 00:12:28,212 --> 00:12:30,294 Now, is everyone brushing their teeth, 263 00:12:30,295 --> 00:12:32,211 or is this, like, an alternative-medicine thing? 264 00:12:32,212 --> 00:12:37,294 As we all know, President Trump and I haven't always seen eye to eye, 265 00:12:37,295 --> 00:12:39,150 but our boy has turned a corner 266 00:12:39,185 --> 00:12:42,460 and decided to do things the Washington way, 267 00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:47,502 and I have agreed to value political expediency 268 00:12:47,503 --> 00:12:50,516 over my conscience. [applause] 269 00:12:51,087 --> 00:12:53,128 [up-tempo music] 270 00:12:53,129 --> 00:12:56,336 - Hannity! - The American people all agree 271 00:12:56,337 --> 00:12:58,336 that the Democrat deserve to drown. 272 00:12:58,337 --> 00:13:01,002 Moving on, let's welcome the greatest sons 273 00:13:01,003 --> 00:13:02,669 of the greatest president in history. 274 00:13:02,670 --> 00:13:05,585 First, let me just say it's an honor to be in the presence 275 00:13:05,586 --> 00:13:07,502 of what used to be Donald Trump's sperm. 276 00:13:07,503 --> 00:13:09,836 - I'm feeling the high. - Great to be here, man. 277 00:13:09,837 --> 00:13:11,919 The presidency is going so well. 278 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,752 Good morning, Sean. I am Eric. 279 00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:18,044 Let's start with the first question your dad told me to ask you. 280 00:13:18,045 --> 00:13:20,128 - Why are you good? - Uh, hate to interrupt, Sean, 281 00:13:20,129 --> 00:13:21,585 but I just need to say right up front 282 00:13:21,586 --> 00:13:23,836 that we are not here to talk about Russia. 283 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:26,143 Of course. That's nonsense! Russia doesn't exist. 284 00:13:26,178 --> 00:13:29,002 Dad told us we're not allowed to talk about it. 285 00:13:29,003 --> 00:13:32,128 Uh, that Russia stuff is secret. I doubt we've even been to Russia. 286 00:13:32,129 --> 00:13:35,128 - I do not recall... - Yes, and anyone who says otherwise 287 00:13:35,129 --> 00:13:37,585 can join Democratic drowning victims in hell. 288 00:13:37,586 --> 00:13:41,044 It's funny, Sean. The Russia stuff is so good at being fake 289 00:13:41,045 --> 00:13:43,669 that it almost feels entirely real. 290 00:13:43,670 --> 00:13:45,294 Totally. But, like, if it was fake, 291 00:13:45,295 --> 00:13:49,419 why would Dad be so mad about it? You'd think he'd be like, 292 00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:51,836 "Oh, that's not a thing, and we're moving on." 293 00:13:51,837 --> 00:13:53,460 Eric, you're talking about it! 294 00:13:53,461 --> 00:13:56,211 Shut up, or Dad's gonna be so mad. 295 00:13:56,212 --> 00:14:01,378 - Dad, we messed it up! - You make it so hard. [crying] 296 00:14:01,379 --> 00:14:04,241 - Fuck you, Dad. - [voice breaking] I'm sorry. 297 00:14:04,242 --> 00:14:05,735 [monoscope beep] 298 00:14:05,770 --> 00:14:07,752 When we come back, 299 00:14:07,753 --> 00:14:11,044 Rudy Giuliani and I will talk over a black doctor, [music] 300 00:14:11,045 --> 00:14:13,859 and later, we'll watch an American flag throw a football. 301 00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,794 Roll the reverse-mortgage ad! 302 00:14:15,795 --> 00:14:18,460 And then they called Wisconsin, and I was president. 303 00:14:18,461 --> 00:14:21,419 - Do you want to hear it again? - Always. 304 00:14:21,420 --> 00:14:24,710 But, first, how's your State of the Union address coming? 305 00:14:24,711 --> 00:14:26,585 Terrific. Stephen Miller's writing it. 306 00:14:26,586 --> 00:14:29,919 I mean, that guy's incredible at channeling my voice. 307 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:33,044 Oh, Anamalick, demon of the unheard, 308 00:14:33,045 --> 00:14:38,128 guide my syntax that it may traverse the valley of darkest woe. 309 00:14:38,129 --> 00:14:39,045 Ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot. 310 00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:43,627 That's great. And I've just been informed of your anniversary. 311 00:14:43,628 --> 00:14:47,752 So, what do you have planned with the little lady? 312 00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:49,877 Well, I'd love to say, but I really don't like 313 00:14:49,878 --> 00:14:53,044 - to throw my wealth in people's faces. - Ah, come on, Donald. 314 00:14:53,045 --> 00:14:56,794 - We're all pretending to be friends here. - Okay, okay. 315 00:14:56,795 --> 00:14:59,961 It was gonna be a big surprise, but here it is ... 316 00:14:59,962 --> 00:15:05,253 limo, dinner, a tremendous luxurious night on the town 317 00:15:05,254 --> 00:15:09,072 for you and Karen Pence. 318 00:15:09,107 --> 00:15:10,128 [applause] 319 00:15:10,129 --> 00:15:14,794 Don't wait up, boys. We're going to a restaurant. 320 00:15:14,795 --> 00:15:16,961 Karen Pence? 321 00:15:16,962 --> 00:15:19,627 She doesn't even know the first thing about fashion. 322 00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:22,919 She told me her favorite designer is Cracker Barrel gift shop. 323 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,270 Honey, until I get a better job, we're stuck here, so make nice with Karen. 324 00:15:26,305 --> 00:15:29,128 - [Cruz] Unh-unh-unh! No tartar in Texas! - Oh, no. 325 00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:30,378 - What's Ted Cruz doing now? - Mnh-mnh-mnh! 326 00:15:30,379 --> 00:15:32,544 When I heard the president and his phony-baloney cronies 327 00:15:32,545 --> 00:15:36,169 in Washingtoni-ony were working on an agenda 328 00:15:36,170 --> 00:15:39,336 that will bankrupt regular folks, I thought, 329 00:15:39,337 --> 00:15:44,172 "What is the most callous, most self-serving thing that I can do?" 330 00:15:44,207 --> 00:15:45,669 And here I am, Ted Cruz! 331 00:15:45,670 --> 00:15:48,836 Calling for a boycott of the State of the Union address. 332 00:15:48,837 --> 00:15:53,336 Additionally, I will be moving forward on brushing my teeth. 333 00:15:53,337 --> 00:15:56,336 Just need to find a toothpaste that goes down smooth. 334 00:15:56,337 --> 00:15:57,669 We know we screwed up by making 335 00:15:57,670 --> 00:16:01,583 a passing reference to Russia, but we can fix this. 336 00:16:01,618 --> 00:16:04,435 We just have to get everyone to feel really bad for us. 337 00:16:04,470 --> 00:16:06,128 And so Eric's gonna go, and he's gonna disappear 338 00:16:06,129 --> 00:16:10,502 - into the Bermuda Triangle. - Really, Eric? You're okay with this? 339 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:14,294 Yeah. I mean, I'm sort of just hearing it for the first time now. 340 00:16:14,295 --> 00:16:15,794 You know what? You've done enough. 341 00:16:15,795 --> 00:16:17,710 You'd better hope my brain makes me tweet 342 00:16:17,711 --> 00:16:19,378 something that distracts the media. 343 00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:21,794 It's really anyone's guess until I get on that toilet. 344 00:16:21,795 --> 00:16:24,961 And the dog on my dress is chasing a bone, 345 00:16:24,962 --> 00:16:28,045 - and the bone is on my back. - Oh, my God. 346 00:16:28,046 --> 00:16:31,836 Now, here's where things get really kooky. 347 00:16:31,837 --> 00:16:35,544 - This dress has pockets. - More wine! 348 00:16:35,545 --> 00:16:37,639 You know what you need, Melanarnia? 349 00:16:37,674 --> 00:16:41,752 You have this look that says, "I'm not from around here." 350 00:16:41,753 --> 00:16:46,212 What if I told you my gay barber stays open late on Mondays? Ooh! 351 00:16:46,913 --> 00:16:51,086 - Honey, I think ... - Do not talk to me right now. 352 00:16:51,087 --> 00:16:54,627 All I was gonna say is that you look like Karen Pence. 353 00:16:54,628 --> 00:16:57,669 She tried to baptize me in reflecting pool. 354 00:16:57,670 --> 00:17:01,253 Would it kill you to go with the flow of the life I blundered us into? 355 00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,191 Donald, when I moved here, [music] 356 00:17:03,192 --> 00:17:06,253 you were the only thing I knew. You were my home. 357 00:17:06,254 --> 00:17:09,585 But when you act like this, I feel like a refugee. 358 00:17:09,586 --> 00:17:11,585 So, tomorrow, I go back to New York. 359 00:17:11,586 --> 00:17:14,378 Katz Deli. I mean don't go, don't go. 360 00:17:14,379 --> 00:17:16,942 - Good night, Donald. - Good night, LaGuardia. 361 00:17:16,977 --> 00:17:19,569 I-I mean M-Melania. 362 00:17:21,365 --> 00:17:26,038 [music] 363 00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:28,880 [dramatic music] 364 00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:31,419 Uhh! Uhh... 365 00:17:31,420 --> 00:17:32,502 Oh, God. 366 00:17:32,503 --> 00:17:35,128 [man] Where's your fire truck, loser? 367 00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:37,627 [crowd booing] 368 00:17:37,628 --> 00:17:43,294 We found Trump's tax return. Turns out, he's only very rich! 369 00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:47,544 - Melania, will you marry me? - Yes, Colin! 370 00:17:47,545 --> 00:17:50,961 Hey, Donald! I used your toothbrush. 371 00:17:50,962 --> 00:17:55,919 [laughing maniacally] [tense music] 372 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,100 Ah, Ted Cruz! 373 00:17:58,287 --> 00:18:01,169 That's a menace! 374 00:18:01,170 --> 00:18:04,129 [soothing music] 375 00:18:06,337 --> 00:18:08,460 He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. 376 00:18:08,461 --> 00:18:12,336 I like people that weren't captured, okay? I hate to tell you. 377 00:18:12,337 --> 00:18:13,982 But what we want to do is to replenish 378 00:18:13,983 --> 00:18:17,086 - the Social Security trust fund. - Such a nasty woman. 379 00:18:17,087 --> 00:18:19,669 Look at that. I was so young. 380 00:18:19,670 --> 00:18:23,294 They're bringing crime. They're rapists. 381 00:18:23,295 --> 00:18:26,294 And some, I assume, are good people. 382 00:18:26,295 --> 00:18:29,002 It's amazing. I still have that same suit. 383 00:18:29,003 --> 00:18:32,502 ...what we're getting. And it only makes common sense. 384 00:18:32,503 --> 00:18:36,211 When did I lose my way, boys? It's this city. 385 00:18:36,212 --> 00:18:40,086 It's these Washington losers with the "you can't say that" 386 00:18:40,087 --> 00:18:42,710 and "you can't put a mini-fridge in your bathroom. 387 00:18:42,711 --> 00:18:46,169 - It would be 'unhygienic.'" - Here's the deal. 388 00:18:46,170 --> 00:18:48,877 Washington's gonna criticize us no matter what we do. 389 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:51,585 So we should just do us, which is you. 390 00:18:51,586 --> 00:18:54,086 I want to see the guy who sued my mom, 391 00:18:54,087 --> 00:18:57,752 the guy who totally owned a Gold Star family on national television, 392 00:18:57,753 --> 00:19:01,294 the guy who slapped me when I underordered at Chili's. 393 00:19:01,295 --> 00:19:02,378 You're right. 394 00:19:02,379 --> 00:19:04,919 You gotta see this guy. "Uh, I don't know what I said. 395 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,378 Uh, I don't remember!" 396 00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:08,294 - That's the real Donald Trump. - "I don't remember." 397 00:19:08,295 --> 00:19:11,253 That's who's gonna win the State of the Union. 398 00:19:11,254 --> 00:19:14,710 - Uh, what should we do? - Just do what you do best, boys, 399 00:19:14,711 --> 00:19:16,627 which, to be clear, is nothing. 400 00:19:16,628 --> 00:19:19,752 Got it. We'll do the most nothing ever, Dad. 401 00:19:19,753 --> 00:19:25,211 [music] 402 00:19:25,212 --> 00:19:28,002 Tonight is President Trump's first State of the Union, 403 00:19:28,003 --> 00:19:30,364 and everyone's wondering, "What will he do?" 404 00:19:30,399 --> 00:19:31,752 Will he embrace Washington 405 00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:34,211 or take a 40-minute call with Carl Icahn? 406 00:19:34,212 --> 00:19:35,253 Make it up the podium stairs 407 00:19:35,254 --> 00:19:38,086 or deliver the address from the doorway? 408 00:19:38,087 --> 00:19:40,336 Mr. President, 409 00:19:40,337 --> 00:19:44,086 I present "State of the Union 2018: Blood Horizon." 410 00:19:44,087 --> 00:19:47,336 Allow me to read you one of the more tame passages. 411 00:19:47,337 --> 00:19:50,086 And, lo, the tide of Caucasian might 412 00:19:50,087 --> 00:19:51,836 will crush down on the shore of Chicago, [music] 413 00:19:51,837 --> 00:19:56,086 turning Lake Michigan seas red with the blood 414 00:19:56,087 --> 00:19:58,456 - of the irredeemably unemployed... - Great stuff. 415 00:19:58,491 --> 00:20:00,044 We can use it for another speech. 416 00:20:00,045 --> 00:20:02,378 I'll tell Susan to keep it on file. 417 00:20:02,379 --> 00:20:06,044 [music] 418 00:20:06,045 --> 00:20:09,253 Melania, the State of the Union is about to start. 419 00:20:09,254 --> 00:20:12,794 I'm going to New York. I have tickets to Stomp in six hours. 420 00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:15,961 Melania, I know you didn't want to come here. 421 00:20:15,962 --> 00:20:17,169 None of us did. 422 00:20:17,170 --> 00:20:20,919 But Hillary didn't go to Wisconsin, so here we are. 423 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,794 And we have to make the best of a bad situation. 424 00:20:22,795 --> 00:20:25,502 [Kushner] Come on, babe, time to go. 425 00:20:25,503 --> 00:20:27,836 We can chitchat when we're all in prison. 426 00:20:27,837 --> 00:20:29,627 [epic music] 427 00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:32,294 I told you guys not to do anything. 428 00:20:32,295 --> 00:20:35,022 We just wanted to show you that we're not bad at everything. 429 00:20:35,057 --> 00:20:37,961 ♪ Duh-da-da-da ♪ 430 00:20:37,962 --> 00:20:40,794 - Do you like it? - Wow. 431 00:20:40,795 --> 00:20:44,627 When you guys confirmed my ties to a hostile foreign power, 432 00:20:44,628 --> 00:20:49,419 I'll admit I was pretty miffed, but this is awesome! 433 00:20:49,420 --> 00:20:51,502 Dad, how about a hug? 434 00:20:51,503 --> 00:20:53,794 I'd love that, but maybe close your mouth first. 435 00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:57,169 - I don't want to have to change my suit. - Oh, it is closed. 436 00:20:57,170 --> 00:21:00,502 - Don, am I crazy? Is it open? - Yeah, Dad, it's open. 437 00:21:00,503 --> 00:21:03,169 It's always open. 438 00:21:03,170 --> 00:21:05,336 [gavel banging] [music] 439 00:21:06,337 --> 00:21:12,294 Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States' son. 440 00:21:12,295 --> 00:21:16,294 Ladies and gentlemen, America is on fire, 441 00:21:16,295 --> 00:21:20,169 and there's only one man who can put it out ... 442 00:21:20,170 --> 00:21:26,394 President Donald J. Truuuuump! 443 00:21:26,795 --> 00:21:31,627 [dramatic music] [cheers and applause] 444 00:21:33,837 --> 00:21:37,627 [engine starts, siren wails] 445 00:21:37,628 --> 00:21:41,919 My fellow Americans, 446 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,378 the State of the Union is... 447 00:21:44,379 --> 00:21:46,931 [horn honking] [cheers and applause] 448 00:21:47,275 --> 00:21:51,461 - I love you, Dad. - I love me, too! 449 00:21:53,420 --> 00:21:58,710 The next seven years will be tremendous! 450 00:21:58,711 --> 00:22:01,669 First, I'm gonna finish this speech, 451 00:22:01,670 --> 00:22:04,890 and it's gonna be a huge success! 452 00:22:04,925 --> 00:22:07,373 Then we're gonna take all the Time's Up pins 453 00:22:07,408 --> 00:22:09,086 and melt them into guns. 454 00:22:09,087 --> 00:22:13,544 And during sweeps week, get your passports ready, 455 00:22:13,545 --> 00:22:17,669 because we're taking the whole country to Hawaii! 456 00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:20,908 [cheers and applause] 457 00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:25,253 Okay, folks, let's bang out these special guests. 458 00:22:25,254 --> 00:22:26,419 Bing, bang, boom. 459 00:22:26,420 --> 00:22:28,044 We got cop, fireman, woman thing, 460 00:22:28,045 --> 00:22:31,669 science guy, the sandwich named after me. 461 00:22:31,670 --> 00:22:34,544 They're all patriots, folks. [cheers and applause] 462 00:22:34,545 --> 00:22:36,544 Loving it! 463 00:22:36,545 --> 00:22:39,752 You know, ever since I won the Electoral College 464 00:22:39,753 --> 00:22:42,378 by the largest margin in history, 465 00:22:42,379 --> 00:22:44,752 Washington has tried to box me in, 466 00:22:44,753 --> 00:22:47,253 make me say dumb dictionary words like "progress," 467 00:22:47,254 --> 00:22:51,419 and give handshakes that end the same day they began, 468 00:22:51,420 --> 00:22:54,305 but that's not who I am. 469 00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:56,775 Donald Trump thinks freely, 470 00:22:56,776 --> 00:22:59,211 brags bigly, and bings bongly! 471 00:22:59,212 --> 00:23:00,129 One moment, I'm talking cake, 472 00:23:00,130 --> 00:23:03,044 and the next, I'm threatening nukes! 473 00:23:03,045 --> 00:23:03,962 [applause] 474 00:23:03,963 --> 00:23:06,752 I'm gonna get it, and I'm not giving it back! 475 00:23:06,753 --> 00:23:08,795 We'll see how you'll like it. 476 00:23:10,711 --> 00:23:12,739 But what I want to talk to you about right now 477 00:23:12,774 --> 00:23:16,877 is my wife, Ivana ... Ivanka, Melanka ... Melania. 478 00:23:16,878 --> 00:23:18,710 Yes, Melania. 479 00:23:18,711 --> 00:23:21,460 She gave up a lot to be here in Washington ... 480 00:23:21,461 --> 00:23:26,253 escalators, pizza, and I don't thank her enough. 481 00:23:26,254 --> 00:23:28,044 [cheers and applause] 482 00:23:28,045 --> 00:23:31,961 I don't thank you enough either. Oh, thank you, Jared. 483 00:23:31,962 --> 00:23:35,169 If you loved me, you'd tell your dad to fire me. 484 00:23:35,170 --> 00:23:37,919 Oh, Jared, that will never happen. 485 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,953 That is why, in the spirit of returning to my impulsive ways, 486 00:23:41,988 --> 00:23:46,460 that I'm gonna name Melania ... oh, I don't know ... national bird? 487 00:23:46,461 --> 00:23:47,994 Do we like that? [cheers and applause] 488 00:23:48,029 --> 00:23:51,320 We like it. Come on up, Bird. 489 00:23:52,878 --> 00:23:55,877 How do you like your anniversary gift? 490 00:23:55,878 --> 00:23:57,502 You're back. 491 00:23:57,503 --> 00:23:58,295 [applause] 492 00:23:58,296 --> 00:24:02,502 Wow, look at these gibblets! All the fixings! 493 00:24:02,503 --> 00:24:04,627 You all want to hear a bird sound? 494 00:24:04,628 --> 00:24:05,794 Caw-caw! Caw-caw! 495 00:24:05,795 --> 00:24:09,169 She's working on it, folks. 496 00:24:09,170 --> 00:24:12,394 [applause] 497 00:24:12,429 --> 00:24:14,836 I give the president's speech a 10. 498 00:24:14,837 --> 00:24:17,294 10 over here. Brian? 499 00:24:17,295 --> 00:24:21,044 I'm gonna say a 9.9 because, again, 500 00:24:21,045 --> 00:24:24,086 a tiny part of my brain ... and it's so small ... 501 00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:27,422 but it's screaming that all of this is completely wrong. 502 00:24:27,457 --> 00:24:31,419 I'll take it. Melania, I won the State of the Union, 503 00:24:31,420 --> 00:24:34,460 and I couldn't have done it without you staying quiet 504 00:24:34,461 --> 00:24:36,294 about the porn star I paid off. 505 00:24:36,295 --> 00:24:39,211 I feel like I won the State of the Union. 506 00:24:39,212 --> 00:24:41,294 Right. Well, you kind of didn't, 507 00:24:41,295 --> 00:24:43,877 because it turns out there's already a national bird. 508 00:24:43,878 --> 00:24:45,710 Not a lot of people know that. 509 00:24:45,711 --> 00:24:49,752 - But there is some good news. - What's this? 510 00:24:49,753 --> 00:24:53,502 An executive order proclaiming that I tried to make you happy. 511 00:24:54,161 --> 00:24:57,599 Donald, thank you. [smooching] 512 00:24:57,634 --> 00:24:58,627 More good news. 513 00:24:58,628 --> 00:25:01,502 My State of the Union ratings were so high, 514 00:25:01,503 --> 00:25:04,960 they asked me to do it again next year! Yay! 515 00:25:05,246 --> 00:25:09,544 [rock music] # Donald Trump is the president # 516 00:25:09,545 --> 00:25:13,003 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 517 00:25:13,004 --> 00:25:15,460 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 518 00:25:15,461 --> 00:25:17,075 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 519 00:25:17,110 --> 00:25:20,044 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 520 00:25:20,045 --> 00:25:22,711 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 521 00:25:22,712 --> 00:25:24,169 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 522 00:25:24,170 --> 00:25:27,169 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 523 00:25:27,170 --> 00:25:33,087 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 524 00:25:33,628 --> 00:25:36,086 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 525 00:25:36,087 --> 00:25:39,502 ♪ He is our president ♪ 526 00:25:39,503 --> 00:25:42,961 ♪ We made him president ♪ 527 00:25:42,962 --> 00:25:45,335 ♪ We did it ♪ 528 00:25:45,336 --> 00:25:49,252 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 529 00:25:49,253 --> 00:25:52,335 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 530 00:25:52,336 --> 00:25:55,836 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 531 00:25:55,837 --> 00:25:59,377 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 532 00:25:59,378 --> 00:26:03,291 ♪ Yeah ♪ [vocalizing] 533 00:26:03,326 --> 00:26:04,301 Trump! 534 00:26:04,378 --> 00:26:06,747 Gotcha. Let's have some fun. 535 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:11,121 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~