1 00:00:09,011 --> 00:00:11,011 U-S-A! 2 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,428 Hello, racist bumper-sticker salespeople, 3 00:00:14,428 --> 00:00:16,720 guys who've punched a claw machine, 4 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:20,387 people who frequently graffiti their ex's garage door, 5 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:23,637 teens who will have their Ivy League admission rescinded, 6 00:00:23,637 --> 00:00:25,970 and other shrieking jackals! 7 00:00:25,970 --> 00:00:28,887 I'm here to announce that, in 2020, 8 00:00:28,887 --> 00:00:32,887 win or lose, I will win the election! 9 00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:36,428 I'm walking over here now... 10 00:00:36,428 --> 00:00:39,053 showing you that I'm keepin' it loose... 11 00:00:39,053 --> 00:00:42,512 proving to everyone that I can be a tough walkin' man. 12 00:00:42,512 --> 00:00:44,553 And now I'm moseying on back. 13 00:00:46,011 --> 00:00:49,387 Now, as I explained to ABC's George Snuffaluffagus, 14 00:00:49,387 --> 00:00:51,720 I am now accepting foreign intelligence 15 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,720 on my Democratic opponents. 16 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,303 Simply call the number below! 17 00:00:55,303 --> 00:00:57,303 Operators are standing by! 18 00:00:57,303 --> 00:01:00,929 No more stuff on Biden. That treasure chest is full! 19 00:01:00,929 --> 00:01:03,303 So many people have made tonight possible, 20 00:01:03,303 --> 00:01:07,428 but none more so than Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. 21 00:01:07,428 --> 00:01:11,220 You two have done absolutely nothing to stop me, 22 00:01:11,220 --> 00:01:14,887 and, for that, please accept this statue of a family dog 23 00:01:14,887 --> 00:01:17,220 watching the house get robbed. 24 00:01:17,220 --> 00:01:20,095 You said we'd discuss the infrastructure bill! 25 00:01:20,095 --> 00:01:21,553 You're being too pushy. 26 00:01:21,553 --> 00:01:23,220 Thank you, Mr. President. 27 00:01:23,220 --> 00:01:25,428 -Thank you, everyone! -You're making us blush! 28 00:01:25,428 --> 00:01:27,387 For more on my second-term agenda, 29 00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:31,595 please direct your easily seized attention to the jumbotron! 30 00:01:31,595 --> 00:01:33,845 If you thought President Trump's first term 31 00:01:33,845 --> 00:01:35,303 got your pulse pounding, 32 00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,887 his second term will make your heart explode. 33 00:01:37,887 --> 00:01:40,679 National Guard...on speed dial. 34 00:01:40,679 --> 00:01:43,011 Nuclear secrets...for sale. 35 00:01:43,011 --> 00:01:45,387 Basic human decency...buh-bye! 36 00:01:45,387 --> 00:01:47,470 And think Trump can't spell any worse? 37 00:01:47,470 --> 00:01:48,970 Think aglenn. 38 00:01:48,970 --> 00:01:50,929 Donald Trump 2020. 39 00:01:50,929 --> 00:01:53,095 You're Gonna Get a Rash, Buster. 40 00:01:53,095 --> 00:01:54,512 Alright! 41 00:01:54,512 --> 00:01:56,637 Who wants pig hearts?! 42 00:01:56,637 --> 00:02:00,261 Not enough to go around, so start clawing! 43 00:02:11,220 --> 00:02:13,261 Don, did you put the crime sock on the door? 44 00:02:13,261 --> 00:02:15,178 Yeah, Dad. No one will bother us. 45 00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:17,637 Okay, let's talk shady self-enrichment! 46 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,345 How's our Washington hotel? 47 00:02:19,345 --> 00:02:20,637 We're killing it! 48 00:02:20,637 --> 00:02:23,553 The Chinese spent five million dollars on room service. 49 00:02:23,553 --> 00:02:25,512 It's floor-to-ceiling french toast! 50 00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:27,762 Okay, let's hear from my favorite son. 51 00:02:27,762 --> 00:02:29,011 Ivanka? 52 00:02:29,011 --> 00:02:30,637 Mnuchin gave me the keys to the Treasury 53 00:02:30,637 --> 00:02:33,011 and said on the weekends, anything goes! 54 00:02:33,011 --> 00:02:34,512 What the hell, Pompeo?! 55 00:02:34,512 --> 00:02:36,470 Hey, is this sock on the doorknob up for grabs? 56 00:02:36,470 --> 00:02:38,053 -It's pretty nice. -La la la la la! 57 00:02:38,053 --> 00:02:39,804 I can't hear what's being conspired in here! 58 00:02:39,804 --> 00:02:41,261 Hey, can I talk to you for a second? 59 00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:43,095 Look what you did, Pompeo! 60 00:02:43,095 --> 00:02:45,095 You take the crime sock off the door, 61 00:02:45,095 --> 00:02:47,845 and this place turns into Grand Central Station! 62 00:02:47,845 --> 00:02:50,220 So...can I put this on my foot or...? 63 00:02:50,220 --> 00:02:53,220 Even though Mueller gave you a pass on collusion, 64 00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:55,095 you still have to worry about the money laundering, 65 00:02:55,095 --> 00:02:56,512 the campaign finance violations, 66 00:02:56,512 --> 00:02:58,345 and those other crimes I won't mention in case 67 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,470 there's still recording devices hidden in the lampshades. 68 00:03:00,470 --> 00:03:03,637 Hello. I'll just pardon myself. Are we done? 69 00:03:03,637 --> 00:03:06,345 I could be committing systematic genocide right now. 70 00:03:06,345 --> 00:03:08,720 Okay, it is far from guaranteed that the Supreme Court 71 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,720 will uphold the power to pardon yourself. 72 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,178 Of course they will, Jared. 73 00:03:12,178 --> 00:03:15,887 The ruling was foretold in the Great Prophecy of Valantium. 74 00:03:15,887 --> 00:03:17,136 Let me ask you. 75 00:03:17,136 --> 00:03:19,053 H-How exactly do you think the Supreme Court works? 76 00:03:19,053 --> 00:03:20,595 If you spent less time in the weight room 77 00:03:20,595 --> 00:03:22,553 and more time in class, you would know that... 78 00:03:22,553 --> 00:03:24,553 ...every half moon, the Supreme Court 79 00:03:24,553 --> 00:03:27,887 rises out of the ancient swamps of Kilga-Goranth 80 00:03:27,887 --> 00:03:30,845 to exact their righteous judgment on our kind. 81 00:03:30,845 --> 00:03:32,095 The big, buff justices 82 00:03:32,095 --> 00:03:34,303 wear magical cloaks that they can keep on 83 00:03:34,303 --> 00:03:36,720 even when they go through airport security. 84 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,720 ♪ Justice ♪ 85 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,261 You're actually a lot closer than I thought. 86 00:03:42,762 --> 00:03:44,929 Ooh, justice! 87 00:03:44,929 --> 00:03:47,220 Mmm, justice. 88 00:03:47,220 --> 00:03:49,637 Ooh, justice. 89 00:03:49,637 --> 00:03:51,428 I'm Jake Tapper, and I go to movies 90 00:03:51,428 --> 00:03:54,261 just to shush stepdads and their sons. 91 00:03:54,261 --> 00:03:57,261 Justice John Roberts spoke today at a legal conference 92 00:03:57,261 --> 00:03:59,428 and discussed the power of the president 93 00:03:59,428 --> 00:04:01,428 to pardon himself. Take a look. 94 00:04:01,428 --> 00:04:04,345 Obviously, I'm not going to present my opinion here, 95 00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,512 but I will say that 96 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:08,261 presidential power is not absolute. 97 00:04:08,261 --> 00:04:10,345 Here to analyze Roberts' comments 98 00:04:10,345 --> 00:04:13,178 is constitutional scholar, political expert, 99 00:04:13,178 --> 00:04:15,053 and mezzo soprano -- me. 100 00:04:15,053 --> 00:04:19,053 ♪ Trump is definitely screwed ♪ 101 00:04:20,553 --> 00:04:23,970 I booked our next big-game hunting trip, Don! 102 00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:25,929 They just shove a drugged-up lion 103 00:04:25,929 --> 00:04:27,762 into the back of a Honda Odyssey, 104 00:04:27,762 --> 00:04:29,804 and we get to shoot it through the windows. 105 00:04:29,804 --> 00:04:32,428 I'm afraid you'll have to take those hunting trips alone. 106 00:04:32,428 --> 00:04:34,303 As the eldest, I'll be inheriting 107 00:04:34,303 --> 00:04:36,136 the presidency in 2024. 108 00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:38,553 So if you're launching your political career, 109 00:04:38,553 --> 00:04:41,720 does that mean I'm gonna run the Trump Organization? 110 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,345 You're not cut out for that! 111 00:04:43,345 --> 00:04:46,136 You're meant for dumber shit like ventriloquism school. 112 00:04:49,261 --> 00:04:51,637 I tried, but me and Deion the Donkey 113 00:04:51,637 --> 00:04:53,053 didn't have what it takes. 114 00:04:53,053 --> 00:04:54,887 Then you must show Dad that you can be 115 00:04:54,887 --> 00:04:57,053 an upstanding businessman like me. 116 00:04:57,053 --> 00:04:58,637 Now pretend you lost your factory job 117 00:04:58,637 --> 00:05:01,136 so I can practice nodding as if I care. 118 00:05:01,136 --> 00:05:03,637 W-We're down to one single sheet... Okay. Uh-huh. I don't care. 119 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,011 ...of white bread for my family of eleven. I mean, I do care. 120 00:05:06,011 --> 00:05:07,345 Nodding, nodding. Please, Mr. Trump. 121 00:05:08,762 --> 00:05:10,011 You're not screwed. 122 00:05:10,011 --> 00:05:11,387 You got four out of five 123 00:05:11,387 --> 00:05:13,512 conservative justices in the bag. 124 00:05:13,512 --> 00:05:15,637 Just go schmooze the robes off of him. 125 00:05:15,637 --> 00:05:18,387 I'm not the schmoozer, Mitch. I'm the schmooz-ee. 126 00:05:18,387 --> 00:05:21,011 Check the mug. I just wish I could add more buff 127 00:05:21,011 --> 00:05:23,470 Supreme Court justices who dig my vibe. 128 00:05:23,470 --> 00:05:25,345 That's called "packing the court," 129 00:05:25,345 --> 00:05:27,428 and there's nothing in the Constitution 130 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:28,845 that says you can't do it. 131 00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:32,261 I'm sorry, but why the eff did you not say this earlier? 132 00:05:32,261 --> 00:05:34,512 Upending centuries of judicial protocol 133 00:05:34,512 --> 00:05:37,679 is way easier than schmoozing John Roberts for three minutes! 134 00:05:37,679 --> 00:05:39,053 Just a heads up, though. 135 00:05:39,053 --> 00:05:41,804 The Democrats might have some thoughts on this. 136 00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:47,220 And as Aristotle said, 137 00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:48,387 "Fear is pain... 138 00:05:48,387 --> 00:05:51,929 ...arising from the anticipation of evil." 139 00:05:51,929 --> 00:05:56,595 That concludes my one-slide PowerPoint by Eric Tump. 140 00:05:56,595 --> 00:06:00,136 Sorry about the typo. I couldn't find the backspace. 141 00:06:00,136 --> 00:06:03,387 Eric, you're just not cut out for the family business. 142 00:06:03,387 --> 00:06:06,387 Remember when I let you build Trump International Manhattan? 143 00:06:06,387 --> 00:06:10,053 I believe you're referring to the infamous Jelly Tower. 144 00:06:10,053 --> 00:06:11,929 We saved a lot of money on beans 145 00:06:11,929 --> 00:06:14,095 but lost a lot of money on jelly. 146 00:06:14,095 --> 00:06:15,261 Hmm. 147 00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:21,303 My father liked to dangle his approval in front of me, 148 00:06:21,303 --> 00:06:22,762 and it's only right I do the same. 149 00:06:22,762 --> 00:06:25,261 Prove to me you can handle more responsibility, 150 00:06:25,261 --> 00:06:27,887 and I'll make you my last-ditch pick for CEO. 151 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:32,011 Dad, I'll be so responsible, you'll leave your kids with me. 152 00:06:32,011 --> 00:06:34,345 Fat chance! My kids are assholes! 153 00:06:34,345 --> 00:06:36,261 You wouldn't last a second! 154 00:06:36,261 --> 00:06:38,637 We now join the Senate Judiciary Committee 155 00:06:38,637 --> 00:06:40,595 who is hearing testimony from President Trump's 156 00:06:40,595 --> 00:06:44,220 Supreme Court nominee, My Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell. 157 00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:46,261 So, I crawled out of the drain pipe, 158 00:06:46,261 --> 00:06:48,303 my pants shredded like those things 159 00:06:48,303 --> 00:06:50,428 that slap you at the car wash 160 00:06:50,428 --> 00:06:52,303 when you're hiding out from three guys 161 00:06:52,303 --> 00:06:55,011 with knives Scotch-taped to their knuckles, 162 00:06:55,011 --> 00:06:56,887 and all I've got left to my name 163 00:06:56,887 --> 00:07:01,095 is a baby bottle full of NyQuil and 30 dimes of flake. 164 00:07:01,095 --> 00:07:05,345 So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya gotta get the heck out of Fresno 165 00:07:05,345 --> 00:07:08,178 before you end up married again." 166 00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:12,178 Sir, uh, all we asked was your date of birth. 167 00:07:12,178 --> 00:07:15,345 I can give you the month -- summer. 168 00:07:15,345 --> 00:07:17,804 "Crash-and-burn" is what people are saying 169 00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,762 about Trump's effort to pack the court. 170 00:07:19,762 --> 00:07:22,178 The three remaining nominees withdrew after learning 171 00:07:22,178 --> 00:07:26,136 their wages would be garnished for child support. Yeesh! 172 00:07:30,887 --> 00:07:32,470 Oh, God. 173 00:07:32,470 --> 00:07:35,178 Donald J. Trump, the court finds you guilty 174 00:07:35,178 --> 00:07:38,512 of phony witch-hunt charges made up by losers and fakes! 175 00:07:38,512 --> 00:07:41,345 I sentence you to a million years in prison! 176 00:07:44,428 --> 00:07:46,470 Recreation time is up! 177 00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:48,512 Everyone back in their cells 178 00:07:48,512 --> 00:07:51,595 for 23 hours of sedentary rest! 179 00:07:51,595 --> 00:07:53,053 Hooray! Whoo! 180 00:07:53,053 --> 00:07:55,011 Ahh. I kinda like this. 181 00:07:55,011 --> 00:07:57,428 No one's making me do stuff, food's chewy, 182 00:07:57,428 --> 00:08:00,512 I get cool geometric tattoos from white supremacists. 183 00:08:01,845 --> 00:08:04,345 You said it, Dad! I mean, roomie! 184 00:08:04,345 --> 00:08:06,011 I got a million years in here, too! 185 00:08:06,011 --> 00:08:08,762 How many years is a million years? Let's count. 186 00:08:08,762 --> 00:08:12,345 One, two, three, four, five... 187 00:08:12,345 --> 00:08:14,428 sex -- sick! -- seven! 188 00:08:20,261 --> 00:08:21,679 You were right, Mitch. 189 00:08:21,679 --> 00:08:22,845 I must be the schmoozer, 190 00:08:22,845 --> 00:08:24,387 and Supreme Court, the schmoozees. 191 00:08:24,387 --> 00:08:26,679 Great! What we need is a fancy place 192 00:08:26,679 --> 00:08:30,428 where French guys serve Italian food under Chinese lanterns! 193 00:08:30,428 --> 00:08:31,887 We're in Washington, Rudy. 194 00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:33,929 All the restaurants suck, and there aren't any good 195 00:08:33,929 --> 00:08:35,637 husband-and-wife cabaret acts. 196 00:08:35,637 --> 00:08:37,387 There's only one place ritzy enough 197 00:08:37,387 --> 00:08:39,762 to schmooze Roberts and those other nobodies. 198 00:08:39,762 --> 00:08:42,804 The place where everyone can be whoever they want to be. 199 00:08:42,804 --> 00:08:45,470 As long as they pay the $200,000 fee. 200 00:08:45,470 --> 00:08:47,720 Where on Earth could that be?! 201 00:09:38,553 --> 00:09:41,929 Thank you for all willingly coming to Mar-a-Lago! 202 00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:45,720 For the 1st Annual Supreme Court Gala Spectacular! 203 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,637 Your security detail picked us all up 204 00:09:47,637 --> 00:09:49,303 from our homes in the dead of night. 205 00:09:49,303 --> 00:09:50,929 And they scared the daylights 206 00:09:50,929 --> 00:09:53,595 out of the paparazzi standing in my yard. 207 00:09:53,595 --> 00:09:57,261 Did you know that last year they made two movies about me? 208 00:09:57,261 --> 00:09:58,345 Yes. 209 00:09:58,345 --> 00:10:00,261 Who gives a crap how we got here? 210 00:10:00,261 --> 00:10:02,512 We're away from our jobs, our families, 211 00:10:02,512 --> 00:10:04,303 the specters of our past. 212 00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:05,929 That's the alarming spirit. 213 00:10:05,929 --> 00:10:09,136 Swing vote John Roberts, you're so cute and dangerous. 214 00:10:09,136 --> 00:10:11,804 Come ride with me in my executive golf cart. 215 00:10:11,804 --> 00:10:15,136 The rest of you can ride in Stephen Miller's hatchback. 216 00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:18,428 No eating of the smoked trout in the back seat! 217 00:10:18,428 --> 00:10:21,428 That's for Uber customers. 218 00:10:21,428 --> 00:10:24,095 Does Roberts look like he'll melt in my arms yet? 219 00:10:24,095 --> 00:10:27,011 I'd worry more about your sailor on shore leave over there. 220 00:10:27,011 --> 00:10:29,762 It says you're open at 8:00, but it's 8:02! 221 00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:32,303 I could sue you for false advertising! 222 00:10:33,762 --> 00:10:35,637 He asked the concierge if, instead of a regular room 223 00:10:35,637 --> 00:10:36,762 with a mini-bar, 224 00:10:36,762 --> 00:10:38,720 he could get a mini-room with a regular bar. 225 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,178 I could look after Judge Kavanaugh! 226 00:10:41,178 --> 00:10:42,679 Sure, kid. 227 00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:44,970 Keep that twitchy lush from ruining my schmooze-fest, 228 00:10:44,970 --> 00:10:48,512 and you can be CEO of any of my billion-dollar fronts. 229 00:10:49,637 --> 00:10:51,970 Excuse me. Could I have a juice? 230 00:10:51,970 --> 00:10:55,220 My on-again-off-again boyfriend always gets me a juice. 231 00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:58,178 I told you -- he's a starfucker! 232 00:10:58,178 --> 00:11:00,553 To get the full Mar-a-Lago experience, 233 00:11:00,553 --> 00:11:02,679 you gotta sit with the power players. 234 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:05,178 Rudy Giuliani. God damn it! 235 00:11:05,178 --> 00:11:08,178 I spilled ketchup on the gravy I spilled on my suit! 236 00:11:08,178 --> 00:11:10,178 Shinzo Abe. He's always here. 237 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,178 Then there's this Russian guy. We have an understanding. 238 00:11:15,178 --> 00:11:16,970 He tells me to do stuff, and I do it. 239 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,553 We should really invite over the other justices. 240 00:11:20,553 --> 00:11:22,512 They actually told me they think you stink 241 00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:24,136 and are probably a bad kisser. 242 00:11:24,136 --> 00:11:26,512 The best way to get back at them is to let me pardon myself 243 00:11:26,512 --> 00:11:29,178 for crimes past, present, and future. 244 00:11:29,178 --> 00:11:32,178 I...have to go to the little men's room. 245 00:11:32,178 --> 00:11:34,762 Oy. Way to go, Shinzo. You blew it. 246 00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,470 Take your meal back to your room. 247 00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:38,637 It's always Shinzo's fault. 248 00:11:38,637 --> 00:11:41,887 And don't spill caramel on the bed again! 249 00:11:41,887 --> 00:11:43,261 I know! 250 00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:44,595 So, in order to graduate 251 00:11:44,595 --> 00:11:47,679 from Victor Balloon's School of Ventriloquism, 252 00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:49,762 Deion the Donkey and I needed to execute 253 00:11:49,762 --> 00:11:52,553 the fabled double-donkey hee-haw. 254 00:11:52,553 --> 00:11:54,720 Anyways, you work at, uh...? 255 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,929 SCOTUS! I should have never signed up! 256 00:11:56,929 --> 00:11:59,053 It's the worst thing I've ever done! 257 00:11:59,053 --> 00:12:00,845 Where's my beer?! 258 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:04,011 I worked my whole life to drink a beer right now! 259 00:12:04,011 --> 00:12:07,095 I'm actually not supposed to let you drink. 260 00:12:07,095 --> 00:12:10,762 Uhh! But I like beer! I like beer! I like beer!! 261 00:12:10,762 --> 00:12:12,470 What if I just vouch for you 262 00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:15,011 like the way Squi vouched for me? 263 00:12:15,011 --> 00:12:16,261 You'd do that? 264 00:12:16,261 --> 00:12:19,095 Beep-borp-bup-bup. Hello? Mr. Trump? 265 00:12:19,095 --> 00:12:20,929 Yes, I am sober. 266 00:12:20,929 --> 00:12:23,470 You'll make Eric the CEO tomorrow morning? 267 00:12:23,470 --> 00:12:25,303 I'll tell him right now! Beep. 268 00:12:25,303 --> 00:12:27,136 A round of beers to celebrate?! 269 00:12:27,136 --> 00:12:29,345 Okay! But just one. 270 00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:37,679 G-Gah! 271 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:40,387 Rise and shine, my favorite justice! 272 00:12:40,387 --> 00:12:43,387 We've got an amazing, action-packed day ahead of us. 273 00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,720 How did you get in here? 274 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,804 I have all the keys to all the doors. 275 00:12:46,804 --> 00:12:48,720 The groundskeeper fished the bloated, dead guy 276 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,637 out of the pool, so get your trunks on, 277 00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,178 then you'll let me pardon myself, 278 00:12:52,178 --> 00:12:53,970 then we'll hit the omelet bar. 279 00:12:53,970 --> 00:12:56,303 I know you're trying to exert undue influence on me 280 00:12:56,303 --> 00:12:57,637 to vote in your favor. 281 00:12:57,637 --> 00:13:00,553 And as umpire of the court, I call that a foul ball. 282 00:13:00,553 --> 00:13:02,095 I usually don't do this, 283 00:13:02,095 --> 00:13:05,178 but what if I switched you to a bed-bug free room? 284 00:13:05,178 --> 00:13:07,804 ♪ rock music plays ♪ 285 00:13:07,804 --> 00:13:10,970 Is that the hardest you can slap, Jelly Boy?! 286 00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:13,845 Hey! You promised you wouldn't call me that! 287 00:13:13,845 --> 00:13:16,136 I turned my back on Deion the Donkey 288 00:13:16,136 --> 00:13:17,637 to build Jelly Tower! 289 00:13:17,637 --> 00:13:20,470 Oh, I'm sorry, Jelly Boy! 290 00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:23,887 You gonna cry boysenberry tears out of your marmalade eyes 291 00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:27,512 coming out of your jelly face, Jelly Boy?! 292 00:13:27,512 --> 00:13:29,720 I'm a Jelly Man! 293 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,095 Oww! 294 00:13:31,095 --> 00:13:34,136 Now my face is gonna go from beautiful crimson 295 00:13:34,136 --> 00:13:35,345 to ugly vermilion! 296 00:13:35,345 --> 00:13:37,512 What are you gonna do about it -- 297 00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:41,178 wah-wah cry like you did at your hearing? 298 00:13:41,178 --> 00:13:43,178 I'm gonna head-butt you 'til you die! 299 00:13:43,178 --> 00:13:44,428 Bring it! 300 00:13:44,428 --> 00:13:45,970 One, two... 301 00:13:48,845 --> 00:13:50,845 Donald, quit trying to schmooze the Supreme Court 302 00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:53,470 and just poke them with a poison-tipped umbrella. 303 00:13:53,470 --> 00:13:55,512 We don't have umbrellas in Florida. 304 00:13:55,512 --> 00:13:56,845 It's the Sunshine State. 305 00:13:56,845 --> 00:13:58,970 Then get some kompromat that'll make Roberts 306 00:13:58,970 --> 00:14:00,512 the laughingstock of the whole judiciary. 307 00:14:00,512 --> 00:14:02,095 Ooh, and while you're at it, 308 00:14:02,095 --> 00:14:04,303 do the other justices dirty, too! 309 00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:06,720 That's why you're the leader of the free world. 310 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,220 I can't take all the credit. 311 00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:10,387 You got to give some to the death squads. 312 00:14:11,887 --> 00:14:15,261 Wow! Do you guys know how to party or what?! 313 00:14:16,553 --> 00:14:18,303 And keep that applause going 314 00:14:18,303 --> 00:14:21,053 for our Guy of the Year Award recipient, 315 00:14:21,053 --> 00:14:23,220 Chief Justice Roberts! 316 00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:26,428 Are you any closer to giving me my self-pardon? 317 00:14:26,428 --> 00:14:29,011 I said "no" and I look like a fool. 318 00:14:29,011 --> 00:14:31,553 Fine! Then the only thing left is the group kompromat -- 319 00:14:31,553 --> 00:14:32,762 I mean group photo. 320 00:14:32,762 --> 00:14:35,387 Everyone grab some champagne and hop on stage! 321 00:14:35,387 --> 00:14:37,220 Let's just do this so we can go to bed. 322 00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,428 Sanders, remember. Downward angle, find your light. 323 00:14:39,428 --> 00:14:40,929 I know, I know. 324 00:14:40,929 --> 00:14:42,387 Say "blackmail." 325 00:14:42,387 --> 00:14:43,970 Blackmail. 326 00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,553 Is it hot fire? 327 00:14:45,553 --> 00:14:48,720 ♪ I've got my kompromat, I've got my kompromat ♪ 328 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,136 Wow. You should be on Broadway. 329 00:14:50,136 --> 00:14:52,095 So the Supreme Court will issue a decision 330 00:14:52,095 --> 00:14:54,720 on the presidential self-pardon Monday at noon. 331 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,220 I wonder who I'll self-pardon first. 332 00:14:57,220 --> 00:14:59,261 Hmm. I'm thinking me. 333 00:14:59,261 --> 00:15:01,095 Look at that. As a result of this 334 00:15:01,095 --> 00:15:03,845 compromising leaked photo, the eight justices pictured 335 00:15:03,845 --> 00:15:05,804 have recused themselves from all legal matters 336 00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:07,095 pertaining to the president. 337 00:15:07,095 --> 00:15:08,679 Who would leak such a thing? 338 00:15:08,679 --> 00:15:11,845 I took that in the privacy of a 250-seat ballroom 339 00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:13,470 with 19 entrances. 340 00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:16,011 The hot photo appeared on the Instagram account 341 00:15:16,011 --> 00:15:18,512 of Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. 342 00:15:18,512 --> 00:15:21,095 I want Shinzo's badge and gun on my desk by morning. 343 00:15:21,095 --> 00:15:22,929 This means that, in the upcoming hearing 344 00:15:22,929 --> 00:15:25,136 concerning the president's self-pardon power, 345 00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:27,011 the opinion will be issued at the sole discretion 346 00:15:27,011 --> 00:15:30,720 of the one Justice not recused, Brett Kavanaugh. 347 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:31,970 Ohh! Even better! 348 00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:33,595 He'll give you the kind of justice 349 00:15:33,595 --> 00:15:35,679 that rich, white guys have been passing back and forth 350 00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:37,220 ever since the nation's founding. 351 00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:38,804 All we have to do is make sure 352 00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:40,679 Brett Kavanaugh's on that bench on Monday. 353 00:15:40,679 --> 00:15:43,303 Don't worry. I got my best, weirdest son 354 00:15:43,303 --> 00:15:44,637 taking care of him. 355 00:15:46,553 --> 00:15:48,178 Whoa. 356 00:15:48,178 --> 00:15:49,970 What happened last night? 357 00:15:49,970 --> 00:15:53,261 It's just like that R-rated bachelor-party movie 358 00:15:53,261 --> 00:15:54,970 The Hang Glider. 359 00:15:57,178 --> 00:15:58,970 "Jelly Man, last night reminded me 360 00:15:58,970 --> 00:16:00,804 how much I enjoy being away from it all, 361 00:16:00,804 --> 00:16:02,637 drowning in liquid fun! 362 00:16:02,637 --> 00:16:03,970 Don't come looking for me, 363 00:16:03,970 --> 00:16:05,428 or I'll take the fuck off running! 364 00:16:05,428 --> 00:16:08,095 Signed, coach of my daughter's basketball team, Brett K." 365 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:13,011 I can't find him anywhere, Don! 366 00:16:13,011 --> 00:16:15,387 You're lucky I'm an expert at understanding 367 00:16:15,387 --> 00:16:18,053 the inner workings of a middle-aged party king. 368 00:16:18,053 --> 00:16:19,428 You have any clues? 369 00:16:19,428 --> 00:16:23,637 There's a loafer print headed due west in this mound of vomit. 370 00:16:23,637 --> 00:16:26,178 He flew the coop! I'm coming down there, Eric. 371 00:16:26,178 --> 00:16:28,136 Good thing I have shit loads of Southwest points 372 00:16:28,136 --> 00:16:30,679 from tickets I bought so I could get drunk at La Guardia. 373 00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,929 Wait! I think I know where he is! 374 00:16:32,929 --> 00:16:36,011 Have you ever heard of a town called...Orlando? 375 00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:37,845 Have you ever heard of a town called 376 00:16:37,845 --> 00:16:39,553 "Shut Up, I'll Meet You There"? 377 00:16:41,011 --> 00:16:43,804 Let us bow our heads in prayer to Brett Kavanaugh 378 00:16:43,804 --> 00:16:46,553 for making this lawlessness possible for me. 379 00:16:46,553 --> 00:16:49,387 May he go to bed without getting the spins. 380 00:16:49,387 --> 00:16:50,387 Amen. 381 00:16:50,387 --> 00:16:51,845 Now, what crimes should I commit? 382 00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:55,053 And remember, there are no small crimes -- only short criminals. 383 00:16:55,053 --> 00:16:56,512 Before you commit more crimes, 384 00:16:56,512 --> 00:16:57,929 shouldn't you wait until Kavanaugh 385 00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,720 actually hands down his ruling? 386 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,220 That's strike three, Pompeo. 387 00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,095 Strikes one and two were existing. 388 00:17:03,095 --> 00:17:04,387 Will there be any more innings? 389 00:17:04,387 --> 00:17:05,929 We just found our next crime -- 390 00:17:05,929 --> 00:17:09,387 we're gonna torture Pompeo until he swallows his own tongue! 391 00:17:09,387 --> 00:17:11,053 -That's great! -Let's kill him, huh? 392 00:17:11,053 --> 00:17:13,053 I'm free all day, so just let me know. 393 00:17:14,679 --> 00:17:16,220 These dolphins are kept alive 394 00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:19,011 only by the fish they receive mid-backflip. 395 00:17:19,011 --> 00:17:22,553 Wow! Wait. What the hell are we doing at SeaWorld? 396 00:17:22,553 --> 00:17:26,011 Brett's note said he wanted to drown in "liquid fun." 397 00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:29,804 I used my deductive, future CEO logic to deduce 398 00:17:29,804 --> 00:17:34,095 that SeaWorld is the liquid-fun capital of Florida. 399 00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:37,929 Eric, "liquid fun" is bro-slang for beer! 400 00:17:37,929 --> 00:17:40,095 There's no beer at SeaWorld! 401 00:17:40,095 --> 00:17:42,929 How long has he been gone? Two days. 402 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,929 Two days of drunk stumbling 403 00:17:44,929 --> 00:17:47,095 is four days of sober sprinting. 404 00:17:47,095 --> 00:17:48,470 He could be anywhere, 405 00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:52,261 you irresponsible, grade-A, grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty! 406 00:17:52,261 --> 00:17:54,929 ♪ It's the weekend, it's time to have fun ♪ 407 00:17:54,929 --> 00:17:57,053 Mike Pompeo, for the crime of being 408 00:17:57,053 --> 00:17:59,220 a boring-annoying-dumb loser, 409 00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:01,762 I sentence you to sledgehammering of the legs, 410 00:18:01,762 --> 00:18:04,095 then blowtorching, then poisoning, 411 00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:06,970 and finally being eaten good and slow by fire ants. 412 00:18:06,970 --> 00:18:08,887 If I'm gonna be covered in ants, 413 00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:10,762 can I at least have a picnic with them? 414 00:18:10,762 --> 00:18:13,261 That's it. I'm setting the crossbow to turbo. 415 00:18:13,261 --> 00:18:15,011 It's Eric, sir. Do you wanna talk 416 00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:16,970 or should I just make up something? 417 00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,220 Ugh... 418 00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:19,804 Dad, remember when you said 419 00:18:19,804 --> 00:18:22,845 you'd always love me no matter what? Nope. 420 00:18:22,845 --> 00:18:25,345 I lost Brett Kavanaugh! 421 00:18:25,345 --> 00:18:28,553 D-a-a-ad! 422 00:18:28,553 --> 00:18:30,095 Kavanaugh is gone. 423 00:18:30,095 --> 00:18:32,220 Now I'm just another below-the-law schmuck 424 00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:34,637 who can be thrown in jail like my former lawyer, 425 00:18:34,637 --> 00:18:35,845 former campaign chief, 426 00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:38,595 and three dozen of my closest associates. 427 00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:41,804 I could pardon you if I was president. Hint, hint. 428 00:18:41,804 --> 00:18:44,345 It's been two days 429 00:18:44,345 --> 00:18:47,220 since Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh 430 00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:50,178 disappeared into the humid badlands of Florida. 431 00:18:50,178 --> 00:18:52,136 Search parties continue to comb through 432 00:18:52,136 --> 00:18:54,345 every roadside motel bar 433 00:18:54,345 --> 00:18:57,720 and empty Circuit City with a back door you can jimmy open. 434 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,679 Maybe they found Kavanaugh on Hannity. 435 00:18:59,679 --> 00:19:02,762 With Brett Kavanaugh missing, we all have no choice 436 00:19:02,762 --> 00:19:05,595 but to retreat underground with the survivalist buckets 437 00:19:05,595 --> 00:19:08,178 for sale exclusively on my website! 438 00:19:08,178 --> 00:19:11,887 My favorite is the Hannity Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop! 439 00:19:11,887 --> 00:19:13,887 Mmm! Buy the -- Buy the whole pail! 440 00:19:13,887 --> 00:19:16,845 Melania, I can't go to prison looking this pretty. 441 00:19:16,845 --> 00:19:18,220 I know this is difficult, 442 00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:20,303 but I need you to hit me as hard as you -- 443 00:19:22,303 --> 00:19:24,220 Thanks for pitchin' in, honey. 444 00:19:25,553 --> 00:19:26,887 Drat! 445 00:19:26,887 --> 00:19:28,345 Thought it might be Kavanaugh, 446 00:19:28,345 --> 00:19:31,845 but it's just another dead, bloated guy. 447 00:19:31,845 --> 00:19:33,845 Time to face facts -- you'll always be 448 00:19:33,845 --> 00:19:35,345 the businessman fisher-outer 449 00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:37,178 and never the businessman fishee. 450 00:19:37,178 --> 00:19:40,345 How will I ever live up to my family name? 451 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,428 All I have are my handsome gums 452 00:19:42,428 --> 00:19:46,387 and 28 credits toward my ventriloquism degree. 453 00:19:46,387 --> 00:19:48,720 Forget it, Eric. Your only career path now 454 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,553 is to join my Secret Service detail 455 00:19:50,553 --> 00:19:53,637 and somehow not fall in love with me, à la The Bodyguard. 456 00:19:53,637 --> 00:19:55,178 And good luck because I am... 457 00:19:55,178 --> 00:19:57,553 ♪ Enchanting as ass ♪ 458 00:19:57,553 --> 00:19:59,720 Because all the judges 459 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,595 are either recused or horking into the Everglades, 460 00:20:02,595 --> 00:20:05,345 the Supreme Court will fail to hear my case. 461 00:20:05,345 --> 00:20:07,512 You're the man of the White House now, Mikey. 462 00:20:07,512 --> 00:20:09,720 Here's the presidential suit and tie. 463 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,387 They'll probably be tight on you. 464 00:20:11,387 --> 00:20:15,553 As much as I appreciate the gesture, I shall not accept. 465 00:20:15,553 --> 00:20:18,387 If there's one thing your supporters don't want to see, 466 00:20:18,387 --> 00:20:21,762 it's you being held accountable for your actions. 467 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,428 Pardon or no pardon, you need to fight 468 00:20:24,428 --> 00:20:27,011 to make sure America continues to be a place 469 00:20:27,011 --> 00:20:30,762 where guys like you can get away with anything. 470 00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:37,845 ♪ And I'm with you ♪ 471 00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:39,762 ♪ Tonight ♪ 472 00:20:39,762 --> 00:20:42,553 Eric, are you seriously not gonna put your name in? 473 00:20:42,553 --> 00:20:43,679 They got Sublime! 474 00:20:43,679 --> 00:20:46,261 I see why Brett was so into this beer. 475 00:20:46,261 --> 00:20:49,428 It makes being a failure a lot more palatable. 476 00:20:49,428 --> 00:20:50,929 You didn't fail today. 477 00:20:50,929 --> 00:20:52,762 You failed the moment you tried to be 478 00:20:52,762 --> 00:20:54,553 a bad-ass business Trump like me 479 00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:56,345 instead of an artsy ass-wad Trump 480 00:20:56,345 --> 00:20:58,428 walking around with a donkey on his hand. 481 00:20:58,428 --> 00:21:00,303 I just want to prove I'm responsible 482 00:21:00,303 --> 00:21:03,303 and get Brett Kavanaugh back! 483 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,595 Sorry, Eric. As a child of privilege, 484 00:21:05,595 --> 00:21:07,970 you don't always get what you want the minute you want it. 485 00:21:07,970 --> 00:21:10,345 Sometimes you have to wait for things to fall into your lap. 486 00:21:10,345 --> 00:21:11,804 Ahh! 487 00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:14,178 And next up for karaoke is Coach Brett K! 488 00:21:14,178 --> 00:21:18,637 Uh...how's everybody doin'?! Shut up! 489 00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,303 I don't wanna go to Washington! 490 00:21:22,303 --> 00:21:26,345 Take me to Tobin's garage for whip-its and garlic knots! 491 00:21:26,345 --> 00:21:28,178 You belong on the Supreme Court 492 00:21:28,178 --> 00:21:30,178 deciding the reproductive fate 493 00:21:30,178 --> 00:21:32,387 of every single American woman! 494 00:21:32,387 --> 00:21:34,679 We don't have much time! Floor it! 495 00:21:34,679 --> 00:21:36,804 Is this the end of your presidency? 496 00:21:36,804 --> 00:21:38,220 When you came for Clinton, 497 00:21:38,220 --> 00:21:40,178 he hopped on Jeffrey Epstein's jet 498 00:21:40,178 --> 00:21:43,011 and hightailed it to Harlem to write his memoirs. 499 00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:45,178 When you tried to pin those million Iraq murders 500 00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:47,261 on George W. Bush, he escaped 501 00:21:47,261 --> 00:21:50,011 to his artist's loft to paint bathtubs. 502 00:21:50,011 --> 00:21:51,970 And when you came for William Henry Harrison, 503 00:21:51,970 --> 00:21:54,011 he got pneumonia and died! 504 00:21:54,011 --> 00:21:55,512 But America elected me 505 00:21:55,512 --> 00:21:57,970 to see how much stuff I could get away with, 506 00:21:57,970 --> 00:22:00,261 and I'm not done getting away with stuff. 507 00:22:00,261 --> 00:22:01,804 Mr. President! 508 00:22:01,804 --> 00:22:02,929 Get the hell out of my way! 509 00:22:02,929 --> 00:22:05,095 Mr. President, it's your shithead sons. 510 00:22:05,095 --> 00:22:08,303 Dad! It's your shithead sons! We found Brett Kavanaugh! 511 00:22:08,303 --> 00:22:10,720 He smells like an un-air-conditioned food court! 512 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,303 Sandblast the puke from his face 513 00:22:12,303 --> 00:22:13,679 and get him in that judge dress. 514 00:22:13,679 --> 00:22:14,804 We have no time to lose. 515 00:22:19,887 --> 00:22:21,261 Kavanaugh's on his way. 516 00:22:21,261 --> 00:22:22,679 You need to stall until he gets here. 517 00:22:22,679 --> 00:22:24,178 I'm on it! 518 00:22:24,178 --> 00:22:25,679 For my first stall, 519 00:22:25,679 --> 00:22:28,637 I'd like to take a really long time to say my name. 520 00:22:28,637 --> 00:22:33,261 Ruuuuuudddddyyy Giuuuuliannniii 521 00:22:33,261 --> 00:22:35,387 Crap! That came out way faster than I meant it to! 522 00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:37,136 Alright. What else? What else? Um... 523 00:22:37,136 --> 00:22:38,845 Ah, one of the old favorites! 524 00:22:38,845 --> 00:22:41,428 It was a beautiful September morning, 525 00:22:41,428 --> 00:22:43,053 not a cloud in the sky... 526 00:22:45,053 --> 00:22:46,887 I think he peed! 527 00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:48,720 Oh, good. That means he's alive! 528 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,970 So Lorne Michaels turns to me and says, "Can we be funny?" 529 00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:54,720 Is this over yet? And, totally off the cuff, I said -- What did I say? 530 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,387 I'm meeting with Jeff Katzenberg at 4:00. 531 00:22:56,387 --> 00:22:59,553 I told you, Hollywood's gonna eat you alive! 532 00:22:59,553 --> 00:23:02,220 Wait! Don't marry him or whatever! 533 00:23:02,220 --> 00:23:04,178 Quick, Eric. Get him on the bench! 534 00:23:04,178 --> 00:23:07,387 I would, Dad, but he's too blitzed to speak. 535 00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:10,261 If I'm so blitzed, then how come I can still say -- 536 00:23:10,261 --> 00:23:12,136 BLLUUGHHHH! 537 00:23:12,136 --> 00:23:13,762 There's nothing left to do now 538 00:23:13,762 --> 00:23:15,720 but accept our pitiful failure. 539 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:19,887 If only someone could make Brett Kavanaugh talk... 540 00:23:23,220 --> 00:23:26,720 So, Justice Kavanaugh, do you think my dad 541 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,804 should be able to pardon himself? 542 00:23:28,804 --> 00:23:30,512 I sure do, 543 00:23:30,512 --> 00:23:33,387 as much as I think you need a bath! 544 00:23:33,387 --> 00:23:34,762 Got 'im! 545 00:23:34,762 --> 00:23:38,261 Aww. That's not very nice, Justice Kavanaugh. 546 00:23:38,261 --> 00:23:40,470 You know what's even more not nice? 547 00:23:40,470 --> 00:23:43,261 Charging the president for his crimes. 548 00:23:43,261 --> 00:23:45,095 He is above us all. 549 00:23:45,095 --> 00:23:46,762 Hee haw! 550 00:23:46,762 --> 00:23:48,136 Holy shit! He did it! 551 00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:50,428 He did the double-donkey hee-haw! 552 00:23:50,428 --> 00:23:51,970 Who said that? 553 00:23:51,970 --> 00:23:53,220 Aah! 554 00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:54,970 He bit off his finger! 555 00:23:54,970 --> 00:23:56,804 I don't care if I go to jail. 556 00:23:56,804 --> 00:23:59,470 This is the best thing I've ever seen! 557 00:23:59,470 --> 00:24:02,053 It was a dramatic day at the Supreme Court. 558 00:24:02,053 --> 00:24:04,804 We have these exclusive courtroom sketches. 559 00:24:04,804 --> 00:24:06,595 There's Kavanaugh biting off Eric's finger, 560 00:24:06,595 --> 00:24:10,220 then regurgitating it toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum, 561 00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:11,970 then there's some keep-away. 562 00:24:11,970 --> 00:24:14,136 But Kavanaugh did submit a written opinion, 563 00:24:14,136 --> 00:24:16,220 which I have here. 564 00:24:16,220 --> 00:24:19,387 Okay. This is a bar menu from a West Palm Beach Margaritaville. 565 00:24:19,387 --> 00:24:21,845 As to whether the president can pardon himself, 566 00:24:21,845 --> 00:24:24,512 it's still unclear, but between Dred Scott 567 00:24:24,512 --> 00:24:26,679 and Citizens United, the ruling to allow 568 00:24:26,679 --> 00:24:28,970 "Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos 569 00:24:28,970 --> 00:24:30,637 to be two-for-one on Wednesdays" 570 00:24:30,637 --> 00:24:32,679 is one of the least-harmful decisions 571 00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:34,220 the Supreme Court has ever made. 572 00:24:36,011 --> 00:24:38,720 So, are you allowed to pardon yourself or nah? 573 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,136 No one knows. 574 00:24:40,136 --> 00:24:42,845 So I'll just give it a shot, see if anyone freaks out. 575 00:24:42,845 --> 00:24:45,804 Eric, I want to thank you for tracking down Kavanaugh 576 00:24:45,804 --> 00:24:47,220 and bringing him back here, 577 00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:49,345 no matter how bad it made the city smell. 578 00:24:49,345 --> 00:24:52,303 You've proven you really can handle responsibility. 579 00:24:52,303 --> 00:24:55,303 Does this mean I'm CEO of Trump Org?! 580 00:24:55,303 --> 00:24:56,845 Even better! 581 00:24:56,845 --> 00:25:01,011 I'm making you CEO of Trump Ventriloquism University! 582 00:25:01,011 --> 00:25:03,887 We're opening a Ventriloquism University?! 583 00:25:03,887 --> 00:25:05,679 It's more of a money-laundering front 584 00:25:05,679 --> 00:25:07,970 for which you will be held legally responsible, 585 00:25:07,970 --> 00:25:09,387 but you're the CEO. 586 00:25:09,387 --> 00:25:12,845 When the Feds come, I'll make Deion the Donkey take the fall! 587 00:25:12,845 --> 00:25:14,220 That's my boy! 588 00:25:14,220 --> 00:25:17,095 Now everyone shut up and put the crime sock on the door. 589 00:25:17,095 --> 00:25:18,970 We've got work to do! 590 00:25:20,387 --> 00:25:23,553 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 591 00:25:23,553 --> 00:25:27,011 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 592 00:25:27,011 --> 00:25:29,387 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 593 00:25:29,387 --> 00:25:30,762 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 594 00:25:30,762 --> 00:25:34,011 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 595 00:25:34,011 --> 00:25:36,679 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 596 00:25:36,679 --> 00:25:38,095 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 597 00:25:38,095 --> 00:25:41,095 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 598 00:25:41,095 --> 00:25:46,136 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 599 00:25:48,178 --> 00:25:50,053 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 600 00:25:50,053 --> 00:25:53,470 ♪ He is our president ♪ 601 00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:56,929 ♪ We made him president ♪ 602 00:25:56,929 --> 00:25:59,261 ♪ We did it ♪ 603 00:25:59,261 --> 00:26:03,261 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 604 00:26:03,261 --> 00:26:06,261 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 605 00:26:06,261 --> 00:26:09,762 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 606 00:26:09,762 --> 00:26:13,387 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 607 00:26:13,387 --> 00:26:17,095 ♪ Yeah ♪ 608 00:26:17,095 --> 00:26:19,095 Trump!