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♪♪♪

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[crowd chanting] U-S-A!

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Hello, racist
bumper-sticker salespeople,

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00:00:14,428 --> 00:00:16,720
guys who've punched
a claw machine,

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00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:20,387
people who frequently graffiti
their ex's garage door,

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00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:23,637
teens who will have their
Ivy League admission rescinded,

7
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and other shrieking jackals!
[crowd cheers]

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I'm here to announce that,
in 2020,

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00:00:28,887 --> 00:00:32,887
win or lose,
I will win the election!

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[crowd cheering]

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00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:36,428
I'm walking over here now...

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00:00:36,428 --> 00:00:39,053
showing you
that I'm keepin' it loose...

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proving to everyone that
I can be a tough walkin' man.

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And now I'm moseying on back.

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00:00:44,553 --> 00:00:46,011
[crowd cheers]

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Now, as I explained to
ABC's George Snuffaluffagus,

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I am now accepting
foreign intelligence

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on my Democratic opponents.

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Simply call the number below!

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Operators are standing by!

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No more stuff on Biden.
That treasure chest is full!

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So many people
have made tonight possible,

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00:01:03,303 --> 00:01:07,428
but none more so than
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.

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You two have done
absolutely nothing to stop me,

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and, for that, please accept
this statue of a family dog

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watching the house
get robbed.

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You said we'd discuss
the infrastructure bill!

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You're being
too pushy.

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Thank you, Mr. President.
[crowd cheering]

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-Thank you, everyone!
-You're making us blush!

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For more on
my second-term agenda,

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please direct your easily seized
attention to the jumbotron!

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[narrator] If you thought
President Trump's first term

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got your pulse pounding,

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his second term
will make your heart explode.

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National Guard...on speed dial.

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Nuclear secrets...for sale.

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Basic human decency...buh-bye!

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And think Trump
can't spell any worse?

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Think aglenn.

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Donald Trump 2020.

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You're Gonna Get
a Rash, Buster.

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[President Trump] Alright!

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Who wants pig hearts?!
[air cannon firing]

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Not enough to go around,
so start clawing!

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♪♪♪

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[whistling]

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♪♪♪

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♪♪♪

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[President Trump] Don, did you
put the crime sock on the door?

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Yeah, Dad.
No one will bother us.

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Okay, let's talk
shady self-enrichment!

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How's our
Washington hotel?

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We're killing it!

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The Chinese spent five million
dollars on room service.

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It's floor-to-ceiling
french toast!

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Okay, let's hear
from my favorite son.

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Ivanka?

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Mnuchin gave me the keys
to the Treasury

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and said on the weekends,
anything goes!

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What the hell,
Pompeo?!

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Hey, is this sock on
the doorknob up for grabs?

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-It's pretty nice.
-La la la la la!

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I can't hear what's
being conspired in here!

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Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?

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Look what you did, Pompeo!

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You take the crime sock
off the door,

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and this place turns into
Grand Central Station!

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So...can I put this
on my foot or...?

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[Jared] Even though Mueller
gave you a pass on collusion,

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you still have to worry
about the money laundering,

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the campaign finance
violations,

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and those other crimes
I won't mention in case

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there's still recording devices
hidden in the lampshades.

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Hello.  I'll just pardon
myself. Are we done?

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I could be committing
systematic genocide right now.

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Okay, it is far  from guaranteed
that the Supreme Court

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will uphold the power
to pardon yourself.

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Of course
they will, Jared.

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The ruling was foretold in
the Great Prophecy of Valantium.

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Let me ask you.

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H-How exactly do you think
the Supreme Court works?

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If you spent less time
in the weight room

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and more time in class,
you would know that...

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[President Trump] ...every
half moon, the Supreme Court

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rises out of the ancient swamps
of Kilga-Goranth

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to exact their
righteous judgment on our kind.

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The big, buff justices

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wear magical cloaks
that they can keep on

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even when they go through
airport security.

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♪ Justice  ♪

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You're actually a lot
closer than I thought.

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♪♪♪

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[President Trump]
Ooh, justice!

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Mmm, justice.

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Ooh, justice.

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I'm Jake Tapper,
and I go to movies

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just to shush stepdads
and their sons.

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Justice John Roberts spoke
today at a legal conference

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and discussed the power
of the president

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to pardon himself.
Take a look.

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Obviously, I'm not going to
present my opinion here,

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but I will say that

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presidential power
is not absolute.

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Here to analyze
Roberts' comments

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is constitutional scholar,
political expert,

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and mezzo soprano -- me.

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♪ Trump is definitely screwed  ♪

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♪♪♪

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I booked our next big-game
hunting trip, Don!

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They just shove
a drugged-up lion

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into the back
of a Honda Odyssey,

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and we get to shoot it
through the windows.

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I'm afraid you'll have to take
those hunting trips alone.

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As the eldest,
I'll be inheriting

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the presidency in 2024.

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So if you're launching
your political career,

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does that mean I'm gonna run
the Trump Organization?

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You're not cut out
for that!

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You're meant for dumber shit
like ventriloquism school.

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♪♪♪

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I tried, but me
and Deion the Donkey

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didn't have
what it takes.

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Then you must show Dad
that you can be

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an upstanding businessman
like me.

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Now pretend you lost
your factory job

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so I can practice nodding
as if I care.

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[sobbing] W-We're down
to one single sheet...
Okay. Uh-huh. I don't care.

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...of white bread for
my family of eleven.
I mean, I do care.

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Nodding, nodding.
Please, Mr. Trump.

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♪♪♪

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[McConnell]
You're not screwed.

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You got four out of five

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conservative justices
in the bag.

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Just go schmooze
the robes off of him.

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I'm not the schmoozer, Mitch.
I'm the schmooz-ee.

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Check the mug. I just wish
I could add more buff

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Supreme Court justices
who dig my vibe.

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That's called
"packing the court,"

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and there's nothing
in the Constitution

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that says you can't do it.

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I'm sorry, but why the eff
did you not say this earlier?

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Upending centuries
of judicial protocol

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is way easier than schmoozing
John Roberts for three minutes!

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Just a heads up, though.

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The Democrats might have
some thoughts on this.

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[both screaming wildly,
glass shatters]

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♪♪♪

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[Eric]
And as Aristotle said,

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"Fear is pain...
[groaning]

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00:05:48,387 --> 00:05:51,929
...arising from the
anticipation of evil."

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00:05:51,929 --> 00:05:56,595
That concludes my one-slide
PowerPoint by Eric Tump.

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Sorry about the typo.
I couldn't find the backspace.

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Eric, you're just not cut out
for the family business.

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00:06:03,387 --> 00:06:06,387
Remember when I let you build
Trump International Manhattan?

156
00:06:06,387 --> 00:06:10,053
I believe you're referring
to the infamous Jelly Tower.

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We saved a lot of money
on beans

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but lost a lot
of money on jelly.

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Hmm.

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♪♪♪

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[cackling wildly]

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My father liked to dangle
his approval in front of me,

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and it's only right
I do the same.

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Prove to me you can handle
more responsibility,

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and I'll make you
my last-ditch pick for CEO.

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Dad, I'll be so responsible,
you'll leave your kids with me.

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Fat chance!
My kids are assholes!

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00:06:34,345 --> 00:06:36,261
You wouldn't last
a second!

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[C-SPAN narrator] We now join
the Senate Judiciary Committee

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00:06:38,637 --> 00:06:40,595
who is hearing testimony
from President Trump's

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00:06:40,595 --> 00:06:44,220
Supreme Court nominee,
My Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell.

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[Lindell] So, I crawled
out of the drain pipe,

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my pants shredded
like those things

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that slap you at the car wash

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when you're hiding out
from three guys

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with knives Scotch-taped
to their knuckles,

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and all I've got left
to my name

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is a baby bottle full of NyQuil
and 30 dimes of flake.

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00:07:01,095 --> 00:07:05,345
So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya
gotta get the heck out of Fresno

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before you end up
married again."

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00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:12,178
Sir, uh, all we asked
was your date of birth.

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I can give you the month --
summer.

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"Crash-and-burn"
is what people are saying

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00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,762
about Trump's effort
to pack the court.

185
00:07:19,762 --> 00:07:22,178
The three remaining nominees
withdrew after learning

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00:07:22,178 --> 00:07:26,136
their wages would be garnished
for child support. Yeesh!

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[thunder rumbling]

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00:07:28,345 --> 00:07:30,887
[President Trump groaning]

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00:07:30,887 --> 00:07:32,470
Oh, God.

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00:07:32,470 --> 00:07:35,178
[Judge] Donald J. Trump,
the court finds you guilty

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00:07:35,178 --> 00:07:38,512
of phony witch-hunt charges
made up by losers and fakes!

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00:07:38,512 --> 00:07:41,345
I sentence you to
a million years in prison!

193
00:07:41,345 --> 00:07:43,136
[gavel bangs]

194
00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:44,428
[cell-door slam echoes]

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00:07:44,428 --> 00:07:46,470
[warden]
Recreation time is up!

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00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:48,512
Everyone back in their cells

197
00:07:48,512 --> 00:07:51,595
for 23 hours
of sedentary rest!

198
00:07:51,595 --> 00:07:53,053
Hooray!
[prisoner] Whoo!

199
00:07:53,053 --> 00:07:55,011
Ahh. I kinda like this.

200
00:07:55,011 --> 00:07:57,428
No one's making me do stuff,
food's chewy,

201
00:07:57,428 --> 00:08:00,512
I get cool geometric tattoos
from white supremacists.

202
00:08:00,512 --> 00:08:01,845
[rattling]

203
00:08:01,845 --> 00:08:04,345
You said it, Dad!
I mean, roomie!

204
00:08:04,345 --> 00:08:06,011
I  got a million years
in here, too!

205
00:08:06,011 --> 00:08:08,762
How many years is a
million years? Let's count.

206
00:08:08,762 --> 00:08:12,345
One, two, three,
four, five...

207
00:08:12,345 --> 00:08:14,428
sex -- sick! -- seven!

208
00:08:14,428 --> 00:08:17,970
[screaming]

209
00:08:17,970 --> 00:08:20,261
♪♪♪

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00:08:20,261 --> 00:08:21,679
[President Trump]
You were right, Mitch.

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00:08:21,679 --> 00:08:22,845
I must be the schmoozer,

212
00:08:22,845 --> 00:08:24,387
and Supreme Court,
the schmoozees.

213
00:08:24,387 --> 00:08:26,679
Great! What we need
is a fancy place

214
00:08:26,679 --> 00:08:30,428
where French guys serve Italian
food under Chinese lanterns!

215
00:08:30,428 --> 00:08:31,887
We're in Washington,
Rudy.

216
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:33,929
All the restaurants suck,
and there aren't any good

217
00:08:33,929 --> 00:08:35,637
husband-and-wife
cabaret acts.

218
00:08:35,637 --> 00:08:37,387
There's only one place
ritzy enough

219
00:08:37,387 --> 00:08:39,762
to schmooze Roberts
and those other nobodies.

220
00:08:39,762 --> 00:08:42,804
The place where everyone can be
whoever they want to be.

221
00:08:42,804 --> 00:08:45,470
As long as they pay
the $200,000 fee.

222
00:08:45,470 --> 00:08:47,720
Where on Earth
could that  be?!

223
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:52,637
♪♪♪

224
00:09:38,553 --> 00:09:41,929
Thank you for all willingly
coming to Mar-a-Lago!

225
00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:45,720
For the 1st Annual Supreme Court
Gala Spectacular!

226
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,637
Your security detail
picked us all up

227
00:09:47,637 --> 00:09:49,303
from our homes
in the dead of night.

228
00:09:49,303 --> 00:09:50,929
And they scared
the daylights

229
00:09:50,929 --> 00:09:53,595
out of the paparazzi
standing in my yard.

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00:09:53,595 --> 00:09:57,261
Did you know that last year
they made two  movies about  me?

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00:09:57,261 --> 00:09:58,345
[Justices, annoyed]
Yes.

232
00:09:58,345 --> 00:10:00,261
Who gives a crap
how we got here?

233
00:10:00,261 --> 00:10:02,512
We're away from our jobs,
our families,

234
00:10:02,512 --> 00:10:04,303
the specters of our past.

235
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:05,929
That's the
alarming spirit.

236
00:10:05,929 --> 00:10:09,136
Swing vote John Roberts,
you're so cute and dangerous.

237
00:10:09,136 --> 00:10:11,804
Come ride with me
in my executive golf cart.

238
00:10:11,804 --> 00:10:15,136
The rest of you can ride in
Stephen Miller's hatchback.

239
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:18,428
No eating of the smoked trout
in the back seat!

240
00:10:18,428 --> 00:10:21,428
That's for
Uber customers.

241
00:10:21,428 --> 00:10:24,095
Does Roberts look like
he'll melt in my arms yet?

242
00:10:24,095 --> 00:10:27,011
I'd worry more about your sailor
on shore leave over there.

243
00:10:27,011 --> 00:10:29,762
It says you're open at 8:00,
but it's 8:02!

244
00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:32,303
I could sue you
for false advertising!

245
00:10:32,303 --> 00:10:33,762
[beatboxing]

246
00:10:33,762 --> 00:10:35,637
He asked the concierge if,
instead of a regular room

247
00:10:35,637 --> 00:10:36,762
with a mini-bar,

248
00:10:36,762 --> 00:10:38,720
he could get a mini-room
with a regular bar.

249
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,178
I  could look after
Judge Kavanaugh!

250
00:10:41,178 --> 00:10:42,679
Sure, kid.

251
00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:44,970
Keep that twitchy lush
from ruining my schmooze-fest,

252
00:10:44,970 --> 00:10:48,512
and you can be CEO of any
of my billion-dollar fronts.

253
00:10:48,512 --> 00:10:49,637
♪♪♪

254
00:10:49,637 --> 00:10:51,970
Excuse me.
Could I have a juice?

255
00:10:51,970 --> 00:10:55,220
My on-again-off-again boyfriend
always  gets me a juice.

256
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:58,178
I told you --
he's a starfucker!

257
00:10:58,178 --> 00:11:00,553
To get the full
Mar-a-Lago experience,

258
00:11:00,553 --> 00:11:02,679
you gotta sit
with the power players.

259
00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:05,178
Rudy Giuliani.
God damn it!

260
00:11:05,178 --> 00:11:08,178
I spilled ketchup on the gravy
I spilled on my suit!

261
00:11:08,178 --> 00:11:10,178
Shinzo Abe.
He's always here.

262
00:11:10,178 --> 00:11:12,720
[speaking Japanese]

263
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,178
Then there's this Russian guy.
We have an understanding.

264
00:11:15,178 --> 00:11:16,970
He tells me to do stuff,
and I do it.

265
00:11:16,970 --> 00:11:18,011
[grunts]

266
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,553
We should really invite over
the other justices.

267
00:11:20,553 --> 00:11:22,512
They actually told me
they think you stink

268
00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:24,136
and are probably
a bad kisser.

269
00:11:24,136 --> 00:11:26,512
The best way to get back at them
is to let me pardon myself

270
00:11:26,512 --> 00:11:29,178
for crimes past,
present, and future.

271
00:11:29,178 --> 00:11:32,178
I...have to go to
the little men's room.

272
00:11:32,178 --> 00:11:34,762
Oy. Way to go, Shinzo.
You blew it.

273
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,470
Take your meal
back to your room.

274
00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:38,637
It's always
Shinzo's fault.

275
00:11:38,637 --> 00:11:41,887
And don't spill caramel
on the bed again!

276
00:11:41,887 --> 00:11:43,261
[Abe] I know!

277
00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:44,595
So, in order to graduate

278
00:11:44,595 --> 00:11:47,679
from Victor Balloon's
School of Ventriloquism,

279
00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:49,762
Deion the Donkey and I
needed to execute

280
00:11:49,762 --> 00:11:52,553
the fabled
double-donkey hee-haw.

281
00:11:52,553 --> 00:11:54,720
Anyways,
you work at, uh...?

282
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,929
SCOTUS! I should have
never signed up!

283
00:11:56,929 --> 00:11:59,053
It's the worst thing
I've ever done!

284
00:11:59,053 --> 00:12:00,845
Where's my beer?!

285
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:04,011
I worked my whole life to
drink a beer  right now!

286
00:12:04,011 --> 00:12:07,095
I'm actually not supposed
to let you drink.

287
00:12:07,095 --> 00:12:10,762
Uhh! But I like beer!
I like beer! I like beer!!

288
00:12:10,762 --> 00:12:12,470
What if I just
vouch for you

289
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:15,011
like the way
Squi vouched for me?

290
00:12:15,011 --> 00:12:16,261
You'd do that?

291
00:12:16,261 --> 00:12:19,095
Beep-borp-bup-bup.
Hello? Mr. Trump?

292
00:12:19,095 --> 00:12:20,929
Yes, I am  sober.

293
00:12:20,929 --> 00:12:23,470
You'll make Eric the CEO
tomorrow morning?

294
00:12:23,470 --> 00:12:25,303
I'll tell him right now!
Beep.

295
00:12:25,303 --> 00:12:27,136
A round of beers
to celebrate?!

296
00:12:27,136 --> 00:12:29,345
Okay! But just one.

297
00:12:29,345 --> 00:12:30,929
[squeaking]

298
00:12:30,929 --> 00:12:33,428
♪♪♪

299
00:12:33,428 --> 00:12:35,387
[sea birds crying]

300
00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:37,679
[clanging]
G-Gah!

301
00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:40,387
Rise and shine,
my favorite justice!

302
00:12:40,387 --> 00:12:43,387
We've got an amazing,
action-packed day ahead of us.

303
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,720
How did you get in here?

304
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,804
I have all the keys
to all  the doors.

305
00:12:46,804 --> 00:12:48,720
The groundskeeper fished
the bloated, dead guy

306
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,637
out of the pool,
so get your trunks on,

307
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,178
then you'll let me
pardon myself,

308
00:12:52,178 --> 00:12:53,970
then we'll hit
the omelet bar.

309
00:12:53,970 --> 00:12:56,303
I know you're trying to
exert undue influence on me

310
00:12:56,303 --> 00:12:57,637
to vote in your favor.

311
00:12:57,637 --> 00:13:00,553
And as umpire of the court,
I call that a foul ball.

312
00:13:00,553 --> 00:13:02,095
I usually don't do this,

313
00:13:02,095 --> 00:13:05,178
but what if I switched you
to a bed-bug free room?

314
00:13:05,178 --> 00:13:07,804
♪ rock music plays  ♪

315
00:13:07,804 --> 00:13:10,970
[slurring] Is that the hardest
you can slap, Jelly Boy?!

316
00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:13,845
[slurring] Hey! You promised
you wouldn't call me that!

317
00:13:13,845 --> 00:13:16,136
I turned my back
on Deion the Donkey

318
00:13:16,136 --> 00:13:17,637
to build Jelly Tower!

319
00:13:17,637 --> 00:13:20,470
Oh, I'm sorry,
Jelly Boy!

320
00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:23,887
You gonna cry boysenberry tears
out of your marmalade eyes

321
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:27,512
coming out of your
jelly face, Jelly Boy?!

322
00:13:27,512 --> 00:13:29,720
I'm a Jelly Man!

323
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,095
Oww!

324
00:13:31,095 --> 00:13:34,136
Now my face is gonna go
from beautiful crimson

325
00:13:34,136 --> 00:13:35,345
to ugly vermilion!

326
00:13:35,345 --> 00:13:37,512
What are you
gonna do about it --

327
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:41,178
wah-wah cry like you did
at your hearing?

328
00:13:41,178 --> 00:13:43,178
I'm gonna head-butt you
'til you die!

329
00:13:43,178 --> 00:13:44,428
Bring it!

330
00:13:44,428 --> 00:13:45,970
[both] One, two...

331
00:13:45,970 --> 00:13:47,512
[both scream]

332
00:13:48,845 --> 00:13:50,845
Donald, quit trying to
schmooze the Supreme Court

333
00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:53,470
and just poke them with
a poison-tipped umbrella.

334
00:13:53,470 --> 00:13:55,512
We don't have umbrellas
in Florida.

335
00:13:55,512 --> 00:13:56,845
It's the Sunshine State.

336
00:13:56,845 --> 00:13:58,970
Then get some kompromat
that'll make Roberts

337
00:13:58,970 --> 00:14:00,512
the laughingstock
of the whole judiciary.

338
00:14:00,512 --> 00:14:02,095
Ooh, and while
you're at it,

339
00:14:02,095 --> 00:14:04,303
do the other justices
dirty, too!

340
00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:06,720
That's why you're the leader
of the free world.

341
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,220
I can't take
all the credit.

342
00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:10,387
You got to give some
to the death squads.

343
00:14:10,387 --> 00:14:11,887
[classical music plays]

344
00:14:11,887 --> 00:14:15,261
Wow! Do you guys know
how to party or what?!

345
00:14:15,261 --> 00:14:16,553
♪♪♪

346
00:14:16,553 --> 00:14:18,303
And keep that applause going

347
00:14:18,303 --> 00:14:21,053
for our Guy of the Year
Award recipient,

348
00:14:21,053 --> 00:14:23,220
Chief Justice Roberts!

349
00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:26,428
Are you any closer
to giving me my self-pardon?

350
00:14:26,428 --> 00:14:29,011
I said "no"
and I look like a fool.

351
00:14:29,011 --> 00:14:31,553
Fine! Then the only thing left
is the group kompromat --

352
00:14:31,553 --> 00:14:32,762
I mean group photo.

353
00:14:32,762 --> 00:14:35,387
Everyone grab some champagne
and hop on stage!

354
00:14:35,387 --> 00:14:37,220
[Justice] Let's just do this
so we can go to bed.

355
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,428
Sanders, remember.
Downward angle,
find your light.

356
00:14:39,428 --> 00:14:40,929
I know, I know.

357
00:14:40,929 --> 00:14:42,387
Say "blackmail."

358
00:14:42,387 --> 00:14:43,970
[Justices] Blackmail.
[camera shutter clicks]

359
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,553
Is it hot fire?

360
00:14:45,553 --> 00:14:48,720
♪ I've got my kompromat,
I've got my kompromat  ♪

361
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,136
Wow. You should be
on Broadway.

362
00:14:50,136 --> 00:14:52,095
So the Supreme Court
will issue a decision

363
00:14:52,095 --> 00:14:54,720
on the presidential
self-pardon Monday at noon.

364
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,220
I wonder who
I'll self-pardon first.

365
00:14:57,220 --> 00:14:59,261
Hmm. I'm thinking me.

366
00:14:59,261 --> 00:15:01,095
[Cooper] Look at that.
As a result of this

367
00:15:01,095 --> 00:15:03,845
compromising leaked photo,
the eight justices pictured

368
00:15:03,845 --> 00:15:05,804
have recused themselves
from all legal matters

369
00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:07,095
pertaining to the president.

370
00:15:07,095 --> 00:15:08,679
Who would leak
such a thing?

371
00:15:08,679 --> 00:15:11,845
I took that in the privacy
of a 250-seat ballroom

372
00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:13,470
with 19 entrances.

373
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:16,011
The hot photo appeared
on the Instagram account

374
00:15:16,011 --> 00:15:18,512
of Japanese Prime Minister
Shinzo Abe.

375
00:15:18,512 --> 00:15:21,095
I want Shinzo's badge and gun
on my desk by morning.

376
00:15:21,095 --> 00:15:22,929
This means that,
in the upcoming hearing

377
00:15:22,929 --> 00:15:25,136
concerning the president's
self-pardon power,

378
00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:27,011
the opinion will be issued
at the sole discretion

379
00:15:27,011 --> 00:15:30,720
of the one Justice not recused,
Brett Kavanaugh.

380
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:31,970
Ohh! Even better!

381
00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:33,595
He'll give you
the kind of justice

382
00:15:33,595 --> 00:15:35,679
that rich, white guys have
been passing back and forth

383
00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:37,220
ever since
the nation's founding.

384
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:38,804
All we have to do
is make sure

385
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:40,679
Brett Kavanaugh's
on that bench on Monday.

386
00:15:40,679 --> 00:15:43,303
Don't worry. I got
my best, weirdest son

387
00:15:43,303 --> 00:15:44,637
taking care of him.

388
00:15:46,553 --> 00:15:48,178
[weakly] Whoa.

389
00:15:48,178 --> 00:15:49,970
What happened
last night?

390
00:15:49,970 --> 00:15:53,261
It's just like that R-rated
bachelor-party movie

391
00:15:53,261 --> 00:15:54,970
The Hang Glider.

392
00:15:54,970 --> 00:15:57,178
♪♪♪

393
00:15:57,178 --> 00:15:58,970
[Kavanaugh] "Jelly Man,
last night reminded me

394
00:15:58,970 --> 00:16:00,804
how much I enjoy
being away from it all,

395
00:16:00,804 --> 00:16:02,637
drowning in liquid fun!

396
00:16:02,637 --> 00:16:03,970
Don't come looking for me,

397
00:16:03,970 --> 00:16:05,428
or I'll take the fuck off
running!

398
00:16:05,428 --> 00:16:08,095
Signed, coach of my daughter's
basketball team, Brett K."

399
00:16:08,095 --> 00:16:10,178
[screams]

400
00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:13,011
I can't find him anywhere, Don!

401
00:16:13,011 --> 00:16:15,387
You're lucky I'm an
expert at understanding

402
00:16:15,387 --> 00:16:18,053
the inner workings
of a middle-aged party king.

403
00:16:18,053 --> 00:16:19,428
You have any clues?

404
00:16:19,428 --> 00:16:23,637
There's a loafer print headed
due west in this mound of vomit.

405
00:16:23,637 --> 00:16:26,178
He flew the coop!
I'm coming down there, Eric.

406
00:16:26,178 --> 00:16:28,136
Good thing I have shit loads
of Southwest points

407
00:16:28,136 --> 00:16:30,679
from tickets I bought so I could
get drunk at La Guardia.

408
00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,929
Wait! I think
I know where he is!

409
00:16:32,929 --> 00:16:36,011
Have you ever heard of
a town called...Orlando?

410
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:37,845
Have you ever heard
of a town called

411
00:16:37,845 --> 00:16:39,553
"Shut Up,
I'll Meet You There"?

412
00:16:39,553 --> 00:16:41,011
♪♪♪

413
00:16:41,011 --> 00:16:43,804
Let us bow our heads in prayer
to Brett Kavanaugh

414
00:16:43,804 --> 00:16:46,553
for making this lawlessness
possible for me.

415
00:16:46,553 --> 00:16:49,387
May he go to bed
without getting the spins.

416
00:16:49,387 --> 00:16:50,387
[all] Amen.

417
00:16:50,387 --> 00:16:51,845
Now, what crimes
should I commit?

418
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:55,053
And remember, there are no small
crimes -- only short criminals.

419
00:16:55,053 --> 00:16:56,512
Before you commit
more crimes,

420
00:16:56,512 --> 00:16:57,929
shouldn't you wait
until Kavanaugh

421
00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,720
actually hands down
his ruling?

422
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,220
That's strike three,
Pompeo.

423
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,095
Strikes one and two
were existing.

424
00:17:03,095 --> 00:17:04,387
Will there be
any more innings?

425
00:17:04,387 --> 00:17:05,929
We just found
our next crime --

426
00:17:05,929 --> 00:17:09,387
we're gonna torture Pompeo until
he swallows his own tongue!

427
00:17:09,387 --> 00:17:11,053
-That's great!
-Let's kill him, huh?

428
00:17:11,053 --> 00:17:13,053
I'm free all day,
so just let me know.

429
00:17:13,053 --> 00:17:14,679
[dolphin chittering]

430
00:17:14,679 --> 00:17:16,220
[host] These dolphins
are kept alive

431
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:19,011
only by the fish
they receive mid-backflip.

432
00:17:19,011 --> 00:17:22,553
Wow! Wait. What the hell
are we doing at SeaWorld?

433
00:17:22,553 --> 00:17:26,011
Brett's note said he wanted
to drown in "liquid fun."

434
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:29,804
I used my deductive,
future CEO logic to deduce

435
00:17:29,804 --> 00:17:34,095
that SeaWorld is the liquid-fun
capital of Florida.

436
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:37,929
Eric, "liquid fun"
is bro-slang for beer!

437
00:17:37,929 --> 00:17:40,095
There's no beer
at SeaWorld!

438
00:17:40,095 --> 00:17:42,929
How long has he been gone?
Two days.

439
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,929
Two days of drunk stumbling

440
00:17:44,929 --> 00:17:47,095
is four days
of sober sprinting.

441
00:17:47,095 --> 00:17:48,470
He could be anywhere,

442
00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:52,261
you irresponsible, grade-A,
grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty!

443
00:17:52,261 --> 00:17:54,929
♪ It's the weekend,
it's time to have fun  ♪

444
00:17:54,929 --> 00:17:57,053
Mike Pompeo,
for the crime of being

445
00:17:57,053 --> 00:17:59,220
a boring-annoying-dumb
loser,

446
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:01,762
I sentence you to
sledgehammering of the legs,

447
00:18:01,762 --> 00:18:04,095
then blowtorching,
then poisoning,

448
00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:06,970
and finally being eaten
good and slow by fire ants.

449
00:18:06,970 --> 00:18:08,887
If I'm gonna be
covered in ants,

450
00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:10,762
can I at least have
a picnic with them?

451
00:18:10,762 --> 00:18:13,261
That's it. I'm setting
the crossbow to turbo.

452
00:18:13,261 --> 00:18:15,011
It's Eric, sir.
Do you wanna talk

453
00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:16,970
or should I just
make up something?

454
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,220
Ugh...

455
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:19,804
Dad, remember
when you said

456
00:18:19,804 --> 00:18:22,845
you'd always love me
no matter what?
Nope.

457
00:18:22,845 --> 00:18:25,345
I lost Brett Kavanaugh!

458
00:18:25,345 --> 00:18:28,553
[crying] D-a-a-ad!

459
00:18:28,553 --> 00:18:30,095
Kavanaugh is gone.

460
00:18:30,095 --> 00:18:32,220
Now I'm just another
below-the-law schmuck

461
00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:34,637
who can be thrown in jail
like my former lawyer,

462
00:18:34,637 --> 00:18:35,845
former campaign chief,

463
00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:38,595
and three dozen
of my closest associates.

464
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:41,804
I could pardon you if I  was
president. Hint, hint.

465
00:18:41,804 --> 00:18:44,345
It's been two days

466
00:18:44,345 --> 00:18:47,220
since Supreme Court Justice
Brett Kavanaugh

467
00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:50,178
disappeared into
the humid badlands of Florida.

468
00:18:50,178 --> 00:18:52,136
Search parties
continue to comb through

469
00:18:52,136 --> 00:18:54,345
every roadside motel bar

470
00:18:54,345 --> 00:18:57,720
and empty Circuit City with
a back door you can jimmy open.

471
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,679
Maybe they found Kavanaugh
on Hannity.

472
00:18:59,679 --> 00:19:02,762
With Brett Kavanaugh missing,
we all have no choice

473
00:19:02,762 --> 00:19:05,595
but to retreat underground
with the survivalist buckets

474
00:19:05,595 --> 00:19:08,178
for sale exclusively
on my website!

475
00:19:08,178 --> 00:19:11,887
My favorite is the Hannity
Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop!

476
00:19:11,887 --> 00:19:13,887
Mmm! Buy the --
Buy the whole pail!

477
00:19:13,887 --> 00:19:16,845
Melania, I can't go to
prison looking this pretty.

478
00:19:16,845 --> 00:19:18,220
I know this is difficult,

479
00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:20,303
but I need you to hit me
as hard as you --

480
00:19:22,303 --> 00:19:24,220
Thanks for
pitchin' in, honey.

481
00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:25,553
♪♪♪

482
00:19:25,553 --> 00:19:26,887
[Eric] Drat!

483
00:19:26,887 --> 00:19:28,345
Thought it might be
Kavanaugh,

484
00:19:28,345 --> 00:19:31,845
but it's just another
dead, bloated guy.

485
00:19:31,845 --> 00:19:33,845
Time to face facts --
you'll always be

486
00:19:33,845 --> 00:19:35,345
the businessman
fisher-outer

487
00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:37,178
and never
the businessman fishee.

488
00:19:37,178 --> 00:19:40,345
How will I ever live up
to my family name?

489
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,428
All I have
are my handsome gums

490
00:19:42,428 --> 00:19:46,387
and 28 credits toward
my ventriloquism degree.

491
00:19:46,387 --> 00:19:48,720
Forget it, Eric.
Your only career path now

492
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,553
is to join
my Secret Service detail

493
00:19:50,553 --> 00:19:53,637
and somehow not fall in love
with me, à la The Bodyguard.

494
00:19:53,637 --> 00:19:55,178
And good luck
because I am...

495
00:19:55,178 --> 00:19:57,553
♪ Enchanting as ass  ♪

496
00:19:57,553 --> 00:19:59,720
[President Trump]
Because all the judges

497
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,595
are either recused
or horking into the Everglades,

498
00:20:02,595 --> 00:20:05,345
the Supreme Court
will fail to hear my case.

499
00:20:05,345 --> 00:20:07,512
You're the man of
the White House now, Mikey.

500
00:20:07,512 --> 00:20:09,720
Here's the presidential
suit and tie.

501
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,387
They'll probably
be tight on you.

502
00:20:11,387 --> 00:20:15,553
As much as I appreciate the
gesture, I shall not accept.

503
00:20:15,553 --> 00:20:18,387
If there's one thing your
supporters don't want to see,

504
00:20:18,387 --> 00:20:21,762
it's you being held accountable
for your actions.

505
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,428
Pardon or no pardon,
you need to fight

506
00:20:24,428 --> 00:20:27,011
to make sure America
continues to be a place

507
00:20:27,011 --> 00:20:30,762
where guys like you
can get away with anything.

508
00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:34,970
♪♪♪

509
00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:37,845
♪ And I'm with you  ♪

510
00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:39,762
♪ Tonight  ♪

511
00:20:39,762 --> 00:20:42,553
Eric, are you seriously
not gonna put your name in?

512
00:20:42,553 --> 00:20:43,679
They got Sublime!

513
00:20:43,679 --> 00:20:46,261
I see why Brett
was so into this beer.

514
00:20:46,261 --> 00:20:49,428
It makes being a failure
a lot more palatable.

515
00:20:49,428 --> 00:20:50,929
You didn't fail today.

516
00:20:50,929 --> 00:20:52,762
You failed the moment
you tried to be

517
00:20:52,762 --> 00:20:54,553
a bad-ass business Trump
like me

518
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:56,345
instead of an artsy
ass-wad Trump

519
00:20:56,345 --> 00:20:58,428
walking around with
a donkey on his hand.

520
00:20:58,428 --> 00:21:00,303
[crying] I just want to
prove I'm responsible

521
00:21:00,303 --> 00:21:03,303
and get
Brett Kavanaugh back!

522
00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,595
Sorry, Eric.
As a child of privilege,

523
00:21:05,595 --> 00:21:07,970
you don't always get what you
want the minute you want it.

524
00:21:07,970 --> 00:21:10,345
Sometimes you have to wait for
things to fall into your lap.

525
00:21:10,345 --> 00:21:11,804
[Kavanaugh] Ahh!

526
00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:14,178
[karaoke host] And next up
for karaoke is Coach Brett K!

527
00:21:14,178 --> 00:21:18,637
Uh...how's everybody doin'?!
Shut up!

528
00:21:18,637 --> 00:21:19,845
♪♪♪

529
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,303
[Kavanaugh] I don't
wanna go to Washington!

530
00:21:22,303 --> 00:21:26,345
Take me to Tobin's garage
for whip-its and garlic knots!

531
00:21:26,345 --> 00:21:28,178
You belong
on the Supreme Court

532
00:21:28,178 --> 00:21:30,178
deciding
the reproductive fate

533
00:21:30,178 --> 00:21:32,387
of every single
American woman!

534
00:21:32,387 --> 00:21:34,679
We don't have much time!
Floor it!

535
00:21:34,679 --> 00:21:36,804
[man] Is this the end
of your presidency?

536
00:21:36,804 --> 00:21:38,220
When you came for Clinton,

537
00:21:38,220 --> 00:21:40,178
he hopped
on Jeffrey Epstein's jet

538
00:21:40,178 --> 00:21:43,011
and hightailed it to Harlem
to write his memoirs.

539
00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:45,178
When you tried to pin
those million Iraq murders

540
00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:47,261
on George W. Bush, he escaped

541
00:21:47,261 --> 00:21:50,011
to his artist's loft
to paint bathtubs.

542
00:21:50,011 --> 00:21:51,970
And when you came
for William Henry Harrison,

543
00:21:51,970 --> 00:21:54,011
he got pneumonia and died!

544
00:21:54,011 --> 00:21:55,512
But America elected me

545
00:21:55,512 --> 00:21:57,970
to see how much stuff
I could get away with,

546
00:21:57,970 --> 00:22:00,261
and I'm not done
getting away with stuff.

547
00:22:00,261 --> 00:22:01,804
[man] Mr. President!
[reporters shouting questions]

548
00:22:01,804 --> 00:22:02,929
[Conway] Get the hell
out of my way!

549
00:22:02,929 --> 00:22:05,095
Mr. President,
it's your shithead sons.

550
00:22:05,095 --> 00:22:08,303
Dad! It's your shithead sons!
We found Brett Kavanaugh!

551
00:22:08,303 --> 00:22:10,720
He smells like an
un-air-conditioned food court!

552
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,303
Sandblast the puke
from his face

553
00:22:12,303 --> 00:22:13,679
and get him
in that judge dress.

554
00:22:13,679 --> 00:22:14,804
We have no time to lose.

555
00:22:14,804 --> 00:22:17,595
♪♪♪

556
00:22:17,595 --> 00:22:19,887
[tick echoes]

557
00:22:19,887 --> 00:22:21,261
Kavanaugh's on his way.

558
00:22:21,261 --> 00:22:22,679
You need to stall
until he gets here.

559
00:22:22,679 --> 00:22:24,178
I'm on it!

560
00:22:24,178 --> 00:22:25,679
[clears throat]
For my first stall,

561
00:22:25,679 --> 00:22:28,637
I'd like to take a really
long time to say my name.

562
00:22:28,637 --> 00:22:33,261
Ruuuuuudddddyyy
Giuuuuliannniii

563
00:22:33,261 --> 00:22:35,387
Crap! That came out way
faster than I meant it to!

564
00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:37,136
Alright. What else?
What else? Um...

565
00:22:37,136 --> 00:22:38,845
Ah, one of the old favorites!

566
00:22:38,845 --> 00:22:41,428
It was a beautiful
September morning,

567
00:22:41,428 --> 00:22:43,053
not a cloud in the sky...

568
00:22:43,053 --> 00:22:45,053
[Kavanaugh groaning]

569
00:22:45,053 --> 00:22:46,887
I think he peed!

570
00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:48,720
Oh, good.
That means he's alive!

571
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,970
So Lorne Michaels turns to me
and says, "Can we be funny?"

572
00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:54,720
Is this over yet?
And, totally off the cuff,
I said -- What did I say?

573
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,387
I'm meeting with
Jeff Katzenberg at 4:00.

574
00:22:56,387 --> 00:22:59,553
I told you, Hollywood's
gonna eat you alive!

575
00:22:59,553 --> 00:23:02,220
Wait! Don't marry him
or whatever!

576
00:23:02,220 --> 00:23:04,178
Quick, Eric.
Get him on the bench!

577
00:23:04,178 --> 00:23:07,387
I would, Dad, but he's
too blitzed to speak.

578
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:10,261
If I'm so blitzed, then
how come I can still say --

579
00:23:10,261 --> 00:23:12,136
BLLUUGHHHH!

580
00:23:12,136 --> 00:23:13,762
There's nothing left
to do now

581
00:23:13,762 --> 00:23:15,720
but accept
our pitiful failure.

582
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:19,887
If only someone could make
Brett Kavanaugh talk...

583
00:23:19,887 --> 00:23:23,220
♪♪♪

584
00:23:23,220 --> 00:23:26,720
So, Justice Kavanaugh,
do you think my dad

585
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,804
should be able
to pardon himself?

586
00:23:28,804 --> 00:23:30,512
[Kavanaugh impression]
I sure do,

587
00:23:30,512 --> 00:23:33,387
as much as I think
you  need a bath!

588
00:23:33,387 --> 00:23:34,762
[Don Jr.] Got 'im!

589
00:23:34,762 --> 00:23:38,261
[normal voice] Aww. That's not
very nice, Justice Kavanaugh.

590
00:23:38,261 --> 00:23:40,470
[Kavanaugh impression] You know
what's even more not nice?

591
00:23:40,470 --> 00:23:43,261
Charging the president
for his crimes.

592
00:23:43,261 --> 00:23:45,095
He is above us all.

593
00:23:45,095 --> 00:23:46,762
[Eric and Kavanaugh impression]
Hee haw!

594
00:23:46,762 --> 00:23:48,136
Holy shit! He did it!

595
00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:50,428
He did the
double-donkey hee-haw!

596
00:23:50,428 --> 00:23:51,970
[grumbles]
Who said that?

597
00:23:51,970 --> 00:23:53,220
[chomps]
Aah!

598
00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:54,970
He bit off his finger!

599
00:23:54,970 --> 00:23:56,804
I don't care if I go to jail.

600
00:23:56,804 --> 00:23:59,470
This is the best thing
I've ever seen!

601
00:23:59,470 --> 00:24:02,053
It was a dramatic day
at the Supreme Court.

602
00:24:02,053 --> 00:24:04,804
We have these exclusive
courtroom sketches.

603
00:24:04,804 --> 00:24:06,595
There's Kavanaugh
biting off Eric's finger,

604
00:24:06,595 --> 00:24:10,220
then regurgitating it
toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum,

605
00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:11,970
then there's some keep-away.

606
00:24:11,970 --> 00:24:14,136
But Kavanaugh did submit
a written opinion,

607
00:24:14,136 --> 00:24:16,220
which I have here.

608
00:24:16,220 --> 00:24:19,387
Okay. This is a bar menu from a
West Palm Beach Margaritaville.

609
00:24:19,387 --> 00:24:21,845
As to whether the president
can pardon himself,

610
00:24:21,845 --> 00:24:24,512
it's still unclear,
but between Dred Scott

611
00:24:24,512 --> 00:24:26,679
and Citizens United,
the ruling to allow

612
00:24:26,679 --> 00:24:28,970
"Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos

613
00:24:28,970 --> 00:24:30,637
to be two-for-one
on Wednesdays"

614
00:24:30,637 --> 00:24:32,679
is one of the least-harmful
decisions

615
00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:34,220
the Supreme Court has ever made.

616
00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:36,011
♪♪♪

617
00:24:36,011 --> 00:24:38,720
So, are you allowed
to pardon yourself or nah?

618
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,136
No one knows.

619
00:24:40,136 --> 00:24:42,845
So I'll just give it a shot,
see if anyone freaks out.

620
00:24:42,845 --> 00:24:45,804
Eric, I want to thank you
for tracking down Kavanaugh

621
00:24:45,804 --> 00:24:47,220
and bringing him back here,

622
00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:49,345
no matter how bad
it made the city smell.

623
00:24:49,345 --> 00:24:52,303
You've proven you really
can handle responsibility.

624
00:24:52,303 --> 00:24:55,303
Does this mean
I'm CEO of Trump Org?!

625
00:24:55,303 --> 00:24:56,845
Even better!

626
00:24:56,845 --> 00:25:01,011
I'm making you CEO of
Trump Ventriloquism University!

627
00:25:01,011 --> 00:25:03,887
We're opening
a Ventriloquism University?!

628
00:25:03,887 --> 00:25:05,679
It's more of
a money-laundering front

629
00:25:05,679 --> 00:25:07,970
for which you will be held
legally responsible,

630
00:25:07,970 --> 00:25:09,387
but you're the CEO.

631
00:25:09,387 --> 00:25:12,845
When the Feds come, I'll make
Deion the Donkey take the fall!

632
00:25:12,845 --> 00:25:14,220
That's my boy!

633
00:25:14,220 --> 00:25:17,095
Now everyone shut up and put
the crime sock on the door.

634
00:25:17,095 --> 00:25:18,970
We've got work to do!

635
00:25:18,970 --> 00:25:20,387
['80s-style pop music plays]

636
00:25:20,387 --> 00:25:23,553
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

637
00:25:23,553 --> 00:25:27,011
♪ Donald Trump
is the president  ♪

638
00:25:27,011 --> 00:25:29,387
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president?  ♪

639
00:25:29,387 --> 00:25:30,762
♪ Yes, he is  ♪

640
00:25:30,762 --> 00:25:34,011
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president  ♪

641
00:25:34,011 --> 00:25:36,679
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president?  ♪

642
00:25:36,679 --> 00:25:38,095
♪ Yes, he is  ♪

643
00:25:38,095 --> 00:25:41,095
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president  ♪

644
00:25:41,095 --> 00:25:46,136
♪ Donald Trump
is the president  ♪

645
00:25:48,178 --> 00:25:50,053
♪ Donald Trump  ♪

646
00:25:50,053 --> 00:25:53,470
♪ He is our president  ♪

647
00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:56,929
♪ We made him president  ♪

648
00:25:56,929 --> 00:25:59,261
♪ We did it  ♪

649
00:25:59,261 --> 00:26:03,261
♪ Donald Trump
is the president  ♪

650
00:26:03,261 --> 00:26:06,261
♪ We elected Donald Trump  ♪

651
00:26:06,261 --> 00:26:09,762
♪ Donald Trump
is the president  ♪

652
00:26:09,762 --> 00:26:13,387
♪ Donald Trump
is the president  ♪

653
00:26:13,387 --> 00:26:17,095
♪ Yeah  ♪

654
00:26:17,095 --> 00:26:19,095
Trump!